1. Finding a marriage partner

IF you ask whether 'A' should marry 'B', it is actually rather an awkward question to answer. For, in the matter of marriage, it cannot be said definitely that 'A' should 'marry 'B'. As for marriage, this is something that should take place, but it cannot be stated that 'A' should marry 'B'.

If you happen to meet and associate with a woman, and while you are with her always feel as if you were with your mother or your sister, so that your love for the woman in whose company you are is based on sympathy and affection which you feel towards your mother or your sister; and if likewise the woman, on her part, while she is in your company feels as though she were in the company of her father or her brother, so that she feels as if she were with her protector, then it can be said that the woman is very suited to become your permanent life-companion.

Well now, Bapak asks you, does your relation with the young woman you mention approach what Bapak has explained above? If it does, then it is fitting for your marriage to her to be carried out as soon as possible. But if it does not and you feel only physical love towards her, Bapak cannot give his agreement. Bapak leaves it to you yourself to make the decision.

From Pewarta Kejiwaan Subud Vol. VII, No. 1, page 17 –(letter) 1969.

2. Marriage ceremony

IN the latihan, we feel our unity with God. It can happen that in Subud between helpers and between members, but usually more between helpers, there arises a feeling of closeness and close brotherhood between, for example, men helpers and women helpers. Although Bapak has often explained this and has clearly given instructions and has forbidden this sort of thing, yet it still frequently happens that, for example, in his latihan, a man will receive a feeling that so-and-so, his girl friend or his woman acquaintance, another Subud member, is his real wife or his real partner. And maybe she also receives the same thing in tile latihan - but the trouble is that she may be already married to someone else.

This is something that is very dangerous, and that is why Bapak has to speak about it very clearly, because Bapak reminds you again that the thing that penetrates everywhere and can become one with everything is the jiwa - but the physical body is something that is local, is just here, and cannot go everywhere and be everywhere and be in contact with everything. So what is possible for the jiwa is not possible for the physical body. So what is experienced by the jiwa, it is not necessary for the body always to follow that.

That is why in religion there are rules made, and very clear rules laid down, about the relationship between men and women, so that if a man wants to marry a woman then he has to go through a certain ceremony, and only if he has gone through that ceremony are they allowed to live together and so on.

This is why Bapak wants to warn the helpers that you should be aware of this problem, and you should be able to give advice to members so that there are not confusion and difficulties and problems arising as a result of a lack of understanding of this.

Because if there were not these rules and these regulations that, for example, exist in religion, our life would be completely chaotic, and it is only through this that human life can achieve a true morality and a correct organization.

From Pewarta Special Supplement No. 6, page 121 - relevant recording: 77 BCN 2.

A MARRIAGE ceremony can be performed only in accordance with religious and civil laws. Subud has no right to meddle in such matters.

From Pewarta Kejiwaan Subud, Vol. VIII, No. 1, page 13.

3. Union of jiwas

IT is true that what Bapak is talking about is what is usually referred to nowadays as sex, but this fact - that is, the union of man and woman - is actually the basis or the most important thing in the life of man, because it is the cause or the motive for a man to work hard. In other words, the thing that makes a man willing to work hard in life, and to wish to achieve something in life, is his wife. And through his wife he will receive children. So it is clear that the fundamental or the foundation of man's life in this world is the union between man and woman. A man will not strive to achieve in life unless because of the needs of his wife and his family. That is the reason why, in religion, it is very strongly forbidden for a man to have sexual relations with a woman of bad character, or something like that; and also it is very much forbidden for a man to have relations with a woman other than the woman who is his wife, because if he does that he will not be able to obtain the reality of the union of man and woman, such as Bapak has described.

That is why Bapak advises us Subud members now who have received the latihan kejiwaan - from now on, whenever we experience, whenever we have a union with our husbands or wives, that we should, at that moment, not bring into it any form of thinking or any problems or anything at all that we have, but rather to put aside completely everything other than just to be aware of the power of God and to be aware of ourselves exactly as when we are doing the latihan kejiwaan. If we can do that we will, sooner or later, be able to receive the proof of the reality of the union of the jiwa. That is, as a result of the union, at the moment of the union and afterwards, we will experience a satisfaction which we cannot compare with anything else in this world. From that feeling which we get at the moment of the union of the jiwa, there will arise a true feeling of love between husband and wife, so that they will feel completely united and this will make their life together completely harmonious.

From Pewarta Special Supplement No. 6, page 117 - relevant recording: 77 BCN 2.

4. Union of husband and wife

ACTUALLY the moment when a human being is not influenced by the lower forces is the moment when he unites with the opposite sex. In other words, at the moment of union between man and woman. Because at that moment when we experience the union between man and woman, at that moment we are ,tot aware of our needs in this world, of our worries, of our problems and so on. We only feel at that moment the bliss. And 'this is something Bapak tells you - actually, it is a secret of life, but Bapak feels it necessary to explain this to you - so you have a rather wider understanding of life than heretofore. It is at that moment that we have the opportunity to remember our Creator, or to feel our bond with the Creator. But usually it is not like that. Usually, at that moment, the man is only aware of the woman, and the woman is only aware of the man. But, in fact, that moment is provided in order that they can both be aware of God. So for the man, the existence of the woman at that moment is only the equipment, or what he needs, for that. But actually the purpose of it is to be aware of his connection with God Almighty, and vice versa for the woman.

From Pewarta Special Supplement NO. 6, page 118 - relevant recording: 77 BCN 2.

5. Sex

THE sex act which is moved by the nafsu influences our inner feeling causing it to become hot, and it awakens action and behavior which are full of passion just like an animal. This is why those who are accustomed to clearing their inner feeling normally only have sexual intercourse after midnight, when everything is peaceful roundabout and already clear of the influence of thought.

If we Subud people who have for a long time received the latihan practice it in this way, then the nature of our sexual union will be similar to when a Subud member is doing latihan, that is at that time we will feel only patience, acceptance, sincerity and surrender to the One Almighty God.

Apart from what Bapak has said above, if the sex act is done by someone only because of the nafsu or wish to mate frequently, and during the sex act he experiences a behavior similar to an animal, and furthermore, generally does it mostly before midnight or even in daytime, then this is clearly sex which is awakened by the nafsu and by a jiwa which is low. This was Bapak's reply.

From Bapak, {letter} 31 July 1978.

6. On birth control and abortion

ONCE I asked Bapak about this, and Bapak said that from the spiritual point of view, this represents a blockage, as it is unnatural. But if there is a good reason for birth control - for example, the welfare of the family or a happy family life - then Bapak said it is all right to follow this practice; but not abortion. Abortion is completely wrong. As to what kind of birth control is best, Bapak commended that this concerns the physical side, so it is best to seek a doctor's advice as to what type to use. A doctor knows more about this than a helper.

From Ibu Siti Rahayu to International Helpers. 2 August 1980.

7. To find harmony in your marriage

AS Subud members there is only one way for you and your wife to find harmony in your marriage and that is for both of you to follow diligently the latihan kejiwaan of Subud, for the correction of something that is wrong, especially in marriage, can be done by none other than the power of God Almighty which envelops us within and outside our being and manifests in the latihan kejiwaan.

Bapak explained that the source of disharmony in marriage is the influence of the lower forces which have come to be the inhabitants of you and your wife, and this influence cannot be put aside or softened unless through the power of God Almighty. This is the reason why Bapak advises you both to accept this reminder from Bapak; that is, that both of you should diligently do the latihan kejiwaan of Subud, so that your being and that of your wife may truly be purified of the mistakes which have settled in the inner feeling of both of you.

From Bapak, (letter) 1 August 1977.

8. Warning to those not yet married

IT happens also among us - that after several years of being married, suddenly a husband and wife feel that because originally they are not attracted by the human force but by another force, their love cannot really make them one. Suddenly they feel unsuitable, or unsuited to each other, and then there is a temptation to finish with it, to 'give up the whole business and try again. But this is not right, because they have already children and they have been married for a long time probably. Yes, sure it was a mistake. They made a mistake when they got married, but now as human beings they must show themselves true to their promise as a human being, as a noble creature, to carry through their mistake and to struggle to put right the mistake which they made.

And how can we struggle in this situation? We can only struggle with God Almighty. So that, actually, the way then is to surrender this to God Almighty, and to continue with our latihan kejiwaan so that gradually the mistake that we have made can be put right.

Now Bapak addresses his words specifically to those of you who have not yet got married. It is very important for you really to pay attention to your latihan kejiwaan. Always in your seeing, your smelling, your tasting, your feeling, always stick close to the influence of God Almighty, so that you can begin to distinguish more and more between the different kinds of forces which influence you when you see, when you hear, when you smell, and so on, and also when you feel. So that when the time comes for you to get married you will not make a mistake, like others have done before you. You also have to struggle. Those who have made the mistake and now are married, they have to struggle, through the latihan kejiwaan, to correct that mistake and to make it right. But those who have not yet got married must also struggle to make sure that when the time comes they will not make a mistake, because they are already aware of being able to make tile right choice.

From Pewarta Special Supplement No. 5, page 89 relevant recording.' 77 OSL 4.