The Greatest Dilemma... Of Muftiah's Marriage... Concerns Cooking... For Her Husband...!

The following... disconcerting aspect of Muftiah's marriage... she feels to share... with her SUBUD Sisters... particularly those of you... who were aware... of her frustrating predicament... throughout the years... some of whom... even Tested with her about it... with no satisfactory Solution... Received... to her ongoing dilemma... (because she had already Received Perfect Guidance about it... herself... when she lived in Hawaii!) ...

It concerns Cooking... for your husband...!

This soul had always enjoyed... puttering away in her kitchen... using all the gadgets... meticulously measuring out the ingredients... for the delectable recipes... putting together delicious meals... especially for the special man... in her life...

And she had often been complimented... on her intriguing use of herbs and spices... and clever imagination... in the presentation... of her special dishes... ever since she had graduated... from the compulsory cooking school of the Swiss government... at the age of eighteen...!

During her hotel years... she was introduced... to the culinary art... of haute cuisine... from France... Italy... Spain... and Sweden... already knowing about the Far and Middle East... including Indonesia... and had a natural flair... for preparing exotic foods... of all nations...

Therefore... in view of all her previous... successful experiences... in the kitchen... she naturally anticipated no problems... whatsoever... in carrying out her wifely duty... of cooking delicious meals... for her beloved new husband...

How wrong could she be...!

For from the very first meal... she lovingly... and carefully prepared for him... as his wife... everything... but everything... in the cooking department... went from bad... to worse...!

First of all... he acted as if she was trying to poison him... demanding to know... what each and every ingredient... in the food was...!

Secondly... he would proclaim rudely... that he could not eat the succulent dishes... she proudly lay before him... pushing his plate... away from him... declaring with ill-concealed repugnance...:

"I can't eat this... your heart is in it...!"

And her feelings... would be so hurt... that she would dissolve in tears...

Thereafter... ever the born optimist... she tried her very best... to "leave her heart out"... of her cooking... but to no avail...

Then her better half suggested... that she should try to Receive... what... and how to cook for him... like the proper Rohani SUBUD Muslim wife... that she was...!

So... trusting... and respecting him... implicitly... she earnestly tried to... but Nothing Would Come... no matter how many times... and different ways... she tried...!

Although she did Receive... the most interesting Revelation... that her husband was fatally poisoned... by a jealous loved one... in one of his previous incarnations... when he was a world renowned pianist...!

Muftiah had heard all the stories... about the ideal... SUBUD Way... of cooking...:

The wife remaining... in a quiet state... close to her Jiwa... as she prepared... and cooked the food... so that the husband would benefit... by eating his wife's "quiet" food... the content of which... would calm his feelings... after a day spent... clawing his niche out... in the rat-race hustle and bustle... of the competitive working world...

But what Muftiah... would experience... as soon as she entered the kitchen... to cook their dinner... with all the best intentions... in the world... was anything... but a quiet state...!

Quite the contrary...! There she would be... standing in the kitchen doorway... having spent a lovely quiet day... all by herself... feeling very close to her Jiwa... for the past seven hours or so...

Happily preoccupying herself... with "Making Muftiah Happy"... either by knitting Farlan... yet another elaborate sweater... or knitting some baby clothes... for one of the pregnant SUBUD Sisters... or making handcrafts... to give away... to little SUBUD children... usually in a very quiet... peaceful state...

But one step... into the kitchen... and all that wonderful Inner Quiet... would be gone... in a flash!

And she would become a bundle of nerves... feeling terribly guilty... as if she had no business... being in the kitchen... on behalf of her husband...!

For a very few times... he was able to eat her food... even enjoying it... so she happily made a list... of those dishes... he had liked... But the next time she served... any one of them... he would reject them...! So she threw her list away... in despair...

Muftiah's dilemma... finally reached a point of exasperation for her... about a year... into their marriage...

They happened to be living... near the top floor... in the only high-rise building... in Hilo... Hawaii... overlooking the Pacific Ocean... in their Heavenly hideaway... at the time... and she begged Allah for Help... pouring out her soul to Him... because Farlan had... yet again... rudely rejected her food...!

And to her enormous surprise... this time she was successful... and even more amazed... For His Guidance... Came Loud And Clear... Like A Cajoling Chuckle...:

"...Well Then... Don't Cook For Him Anymore...!"

So... before her courage could fail her... as soon as Farlan came home... from his Art class... at the university... that afternoon... a course which he was taking... on the G.I. Bill... she blurted out... what Almighty Allah... Had Just Told Her...!

And... instead of getting derisively angry with her... as she well expected him to... his reaction was great joy...!

Delightedly smacking his lips with relish... he crowed...:

"Oh boy"... "Now I can have all my favorite foods... hot dogs... French fries... and hamburgers...!"

Fast foods... that she would never ever dream... of serving him... for dinner...!

For Muftiah was firmly convinced... that her much too thin... lanky husband... whose bones stuck out... alarmingly... should have nourishing... well-balanced meals...

She was already well aware... that for breakfast... (he was always Awakened promptly... at 4 a.m.) ... he would have a doughnut and coffee... at some all-night doughnut shop... or café... and then a hamburger and coke... at MacDonalds... for lunch...

His daily routine... rarely varied...

It would have been so much easier for her... to give him what he wanted... more of the same... but for the life of her... she could not bring herself... to serve him more... of such junk foods... for she wanted so much... to contribute... to his health... and wellbeing... earnestly believing it her wifely duty... to do so...

For a while... after her Guidance... to stop cooking for Farlan... things in the kitchen... went along quite smoothly... each of them... happily preparing... their own meals... until she became quite ill again... and had to spend long periods... in bed... suffering heavy purification... with Farlan now having to cook... for both of them...!

And she found herself... becoming envious... of his ability... to Receive... what to cook for her... He seemed to know... just what his wife needed... and the food he served her... in bed... always tasted delicious... and not only that... but invariably... his food... often cured her illness of the day... as well...!

Years later... when Muftiah finally realized... that Farlan actually did not "live to eat" ... but "ate to live"... and did not particularly depend on... nor require... nutritional... well-balanced meals... to function on... she confesses... that she selfishly favored... her own preference in foods... rather than his... knowing full well... that she did not have the energy... to prepare two separate menus... each night...

Besides... since she is what she eats... and has always Been Forbidden... to exercise... Receiving that all the physical exercise... she needed... Was Given to her... during her Latihan Kejiwaan... she knew that she would have gained weight... enormously... if she ate all those fattening foods... that he... being so hyperactive... could eat so nonchalantly... without gaining a single ounce...!

Then came the inevitable day... when she felt very guilty... about Farlan doing all the cooking for them... and felt the need... to make herself feel useful to him... as an ordinary wife... again...

Sincerely believing... that she had not been successful... in cooking for him... because there was still some dirt in her... regarding the way she had cooked... for the other previous significant men... in her life... that first had to be Purified... out of her... hence those strange episodes of illness... recently...!

So she began cooking for the two of them... once again...

Doggedly... Muftiah tackled the kitchen... once more... forcing herself to cook... although she continuously felt an inner... nagging feeling... of wrongness about it...!

She also had another bugaboo... that plagued her... a very real concern... about appearing "Spiritually arrogant"... to her husband... as she had been... towards her previous French/Canadian husband... Jacques/Mark...

Looking back... it seems that... throughout their years... together... she would have no trouble... cooking for Farlan... whatsoever... whenever they were Made to experience... a period of poverty... unable to afford... eating out... at a decent restaurant... During those down times... he would love every dish... she prepared for them...!

But when they could have afforded to eat out... and should have... she would ignore... the subtle Inner Prompting... to suggest it... especially when he was always so happy... to be back home... in his "quiet... peaceful haven" ... once again... his tall lanky frame... striding in the front door... with a great big smile of relief... on his face... happy that she was still there... always afraid... that she wouldn't be...!

Naturally... Muftiah never had the heart... to suggest... going out to dinner... not when he was so happy... to shut out the roiling jungle out there... for a few hours... So she would keep quiet... and serve the dinner... she had just finished cooking... with great effort...

And each dinner... would turn into yet another tearful fiasco... of a disappointment... every single time...!

Curiously enough... they seemed to always live.. where there was a decent restaurant... close by... even within a short walking distance... of their apartment building...! And it would have been so easy... to just go there... to eat...!

But the only times... they did eat out... were on weekends... when they could afford to... usually followed... by going to see a movie... the one pastime... they both loved to share equally... together...

Although... after seeing a movie... Muftiah was Never Allowed... to happily discuss it... with her husband... afterwards... always being Made... to Yawn her head off... so that she quickly no longer remembered... what movie she had just seen... and delighted in...!

This was an ongoing Process... that never varied... when Receiving to Yawn her head off... would instantly make her mind... become a total blank... in order to keep her empty... so that Almighty Allah... Could fill the being... of His loving daughter... with His Perfect Guidance... for her...!

Why couldn't she Receive... like he did... Muftiah fretted...

Periodic Testing about Cooking... never resulted... in any satisfactory answers... for her... always ending along the lines of...:

"...There Is Absolutely Nothing... You Can Do About It...!"

Whenever Muftiah met a new SUBUD Sister... ever hopeful... she would ask her... if she had any trouble... cooking for her husband...

And her response invariably... would be a puzzled "No"... accompanied by a pitying... slightly disgusted look... as if to say...:

"Don't tell me that you can't even manage such a simple thing... as putting some food together... for your husband...?!"

And Muftiah would become embarrassed... feeling exposed and flawed... a total failure... as a fellow female...

Then... resigned to her fate... she would wait... patiently... living for the day... when she would be able to cook... for her beloved husband... Farlan... "from her Jiwa"... as he expected her to...

After her frequent illnesses of Marriage Purification... she would return to the kitchen... and ever the optimist... try to do her wifely duty... once again... wanting desperately... to do her share...

But each time she tried... remembering all the times... she had happily cooked... for the men in her life... with great feelings of love for them... in her heart... and who always loved... her delectable dishes... with all the best intentions... in the world... the same difficulties... would return...

And to make things worse... Farlan became firmly convinced... that a SUBUD Muslim wife... should automatically be able to cook... from her Jiwa... and often reminded his wife... of the fact...!

Unable to please her husband... in the cooking department... Muftiah became ever more... a source of bitter disappointment to him... and to herself...

For she had always loved... cooking delicious dishes... for the significant men in her life... whom she had always loved... with all her heart... and loved the special... fulfilling feeling... that cooking for them... gave her...

By stark contrast... however... she never had any trouble...whatsoever... cooking for herself... not ever..! Never once feeling nervous... or guilty... but on the contrary... feeling that gentle Fountain of Joy... Bubbling inside her... which frequently made her sing joyously... as she happily prepared food... for herself...!

In every other department... she was a devoted wife... doing her share... of looking after her husband's clothes... washing and drying them... and sewing on buttons... on his shirts... etc...

She also took care... of all the monthly bills... having devised a simple bookkeeping system... and checked the Cheque stubs... against the monthly bank statements... All these regular activities... going along smoothly... without a hitch...!

...read more in Chapter 31

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