Chapter 1

Lisboa... Portugal... Utterly Enchanting For Yours Truly... But Devastatingly Heartbreaking... For My Beloved Sister... Prima...!

Upon later reflection... it dawned on me... that I had most probably... unwittingly aided and abetted... an illegal smuggling operation... and that... more likely than not... some valuable gems - perhaps diamonds...? ... had been sewn inside the body of the doll...! And who would look less conspicuous... and more innocent... and natural... than a young girl... with her hair done up in braids... holding a doll in her arms...!?

And I found myself... fervently hoping... that the smuggled gems... were not for personal greed... but maybe to pay for ways... to help resist the war... through the pockets... of brave underground fighters... about which I had heard about...

As soon as I sat down... next to Prima... in the dark... I surreptitiously handed her Alan's precious... folded over note... which she quickly put away... into her coat pocket... with one hand... while gratefully squeezing my hand... with her other one...

There was very little to see... as we flashed through town... in the taxi... since the city of Lisbon... was blacked out... and under strictly enforced curfew... And I don't remember too much about the hotel... except that it had an old-world grandeur about it...

But I do remember... that it boasted an enormous dining room... very dimly lit... by candlelight... the walls draped heavily... from ceiling to floor... in rich... dark red velvet... the color of Burgundy wine... which had the effect of muffling the sound of voices... in the room... and which was furnished... with elaborately carved tables of heavy oak... the chairs... like the drapes... upholstered in rich... dark red velvet...

As we all sat around the huge... oblong dining room table... hardly able to see each other... in the dimness... little did I know then... that Papa's demand... that the members... of his family... strictly adhere to his ruling... of eating their meals together... would be instrumental... in helping to cause... the greatest tragedy... in Prima's young life...!

Chapter 2

The Poignant... Tragic Story... Of Prima's Very Brief... Fatal Marriage...!

It was only nine years later... on the eve of my departure... for South Africa... in the first week of June... 1951... while sitting at the kitchen table... in her charming... two storey mansion... in Zurich... all cozy and warm... on the very last night... that I would ever see my beloved sister... again... that she confided to me... for the first time... how real grief... such as she had never... ever... experienced before... in her life... had suddenly struck her... starting with our very first night in Lisbon... on the eve of the 9th of March... 1942...!

As we sat in her kitchen... that last night... with our heads close together... she finally filled me in... on what had so poignantly transpired... after Papa... noticing how anxious she was... to leave the dining table... had deliberately and maliciously... lingered over his food... only excusing her... as dessert was about to be served... which she had vehemently declined having... ever self-conscious... about her weight... after her recent... adolescent “baby fat” phase...

She had never been able... to talk to me about it before... because the confiding of it... dredged up such painful memories for her... memories of a bittersweet romance... that had most cruelly... been nipped in the bud... through no fault of her own... but through Papa's meanness... that particular night... of all nights... no doubt using the perfect opportunity... to pay her back... for her frequent non-attendance... at the family meals... aboard ship... and also through the fickle fingers of fate...

I already knew... of course... of her secret marriage to Alan... on board the “Serpa Pinto...”... their marital union... sanctified and blessed... by the good man of God... Reverend "Whipped Cream" Whipple... from Canada...

Sitting in her cozy kitchen... on what was to become... the very last night... we would ever share... on earth together... neither of us had any idea... that we were destined... to never see each other again...!

It was also to be... my very last night in Zurich... for I would never be returning to Switzerland... ever again... the country... which had caused me so much heartache... and shocking suffering... (all told in “Seven Hells...”)

Now... in June... 1951... with Prima happily married... for the past seven years... to the shoe tycoon... Jonni Weibel... and being the mother... of their two children... a darling boy... Johnny... and girl... Sylvia... I was recalling... how... when I briefly lived with them... upon my return from England... I had washed... by hand... dozens of little baby Johnny's soiled diapers... and also Jonni's icky handkerchiefs... in appreciation of their taking me in... still reeling in shock... from Papa's gross betrayal... of believing total strangers... that I was a lesbian...!

And I had no inkling... that yet another daughter... would be born to them... while I was living in South Africa... and that she and Jonni... would soon become divorced... from each other... because he could no longer tolerate... her careless... nymphomaniac behavior... and her drinking... his years of long-suffering... understanding patience... finally exhausted... petered out...!

Sitting in her cozy kitchen... on what was to become... the very last night... we would ever share... on earth together... neither of us had any idea... that we were destined... to never see each other again...!

It was also to be... my very last night in Zurich... for I would never be returning to Switzerland... ever again... the country... which had caused me so much heartache... and shocking suffering... (all told in “Seven Hells...”)

Barely twenty-one years old... I was finally... about to be reunited... for good... with my adored Mummie... in South Africa... after thirteen long... aching years of separation from her...

And now I was listening... to the heart wrenching... poignant story... of my sister’s never-to-be-forgotten... terrible night in Lisbon... nine years earlier...

Apparently... Alan... who had hovered nearby... to hear what hotel... the Rau family... would be staying at... and overhearing the Cook's Tour representative... mentioning its name... had quickly written a note... passing it on to me... suggesting that they meet each other... in the hotel cocktail bar... immediately after dinner...

And Papa acting so perversely... by prolonging the dinner hour... stretching it into longer than two... before he would allow her... to be excused from the table... had made her painfully aware... that she would be late... for their arranged rendezvous...

So that... as soon as she was excused... without even stopping first... in the powder room... to freshen up... she had dashed out through the vast... deserted... impersonal-looking lobby... into the suddenly cozy atmosphere... of the romantically lit cocktail bar... where she was sure... her dearly beloved... would be anxiously waiting for her...

But when she saw... that it was empty... she was very disappointed... and glad at the same time... pleased that she had arrived there... before her precious lover had... but impatient... that fate was still keeping them apart...

Trying to quell a stab of anxiety... that flared up inside her... she settled down... in a dark corner of the room... telling herself to think positively... imagining to herself that... at any second now... his tall... handsome frame... would come sauntering through the door... a la Gary Cooper... exuding an aura of quiet... manly self-assurance... and how he would quickly put all her mounting fears to rest...

She tried to remain calm... but she was awaiting his arrival ... with eager anticipation... her yearning heart... beating faster... the longer she sat...

It was the first time... they had been separated... from each other... for more than hour... and her longing... to feel his strong arms around her... holding her close... made her ache for him... unbearably...

Then she happened to notice two men... sitting at the far end of the bar... engaged in animated conversation... with each other... in what she presumed... to be the Portuguese language... one man being the bartender... and the other a customer...

Watching them... she idly mused on how... for the first time in her life... she seemed to be going unnoticed... by a man... which was a refreshing change... from her usual experience... of attracting men to her... like bees to honey... moths to a flame... wherever she went...

How quirky... fickle fate is... for ironically... when this one crucial time... in her life... she should have drawn attention to herself... she didn't...!

She waited and waited... darting anxious looks... first at her expensive Rolex wristwatch... which Papa had given her... in New York... right after his successful business arrangement... with the prestigious company... then at the clock... on the wall... as the seconds... and minutes... ticked by inexorably... until she realized... that nearly an hour had passed...!

Then it seemed... as if the two men... at the bar... who had been deeply engrossed... in their discussion... their heads close together... from time to time... raising their voices... in heated argument... their arms gesticulating vehemently... had finally run out of words... to say to each other...

And the bartender... idly glancing around the cocktail bar... in search of potential customers... happened to notice... the striking... dark haired young lady... sitting all by herself... at a small table... in the far corner of the room... and from her posture... he surmised... that she had been sitting there... for quite some time...

He instantly felt a flood of guilt... at having neglected her... and as if galvanized... into action... he raced out... from behind the counter... emerging at her side... bowing obsequiously... jabbering profuse apologies... in rapid Portuguese... abjectly sorry... for not having noticed... such a "bella dona"... and what was her pleasure...

She knew a smattering of Italian and Spanish... and was able to convey... to the fawning bartender... that she was waiting for someone... and was not interested... in ordering a drink just yet...

Suddenly... a light seemed to dawn... on the man's swarthy face... for he asked her... whether she was waiting for “un hombre militare”... (a military man)... and upon her eagerly nodding "Si si"... he dashed back behind the counter... and reemerged... producing a folded piece of paper... with a flourish... grinning from ear to ear...

At the sight of it... Prima went pale... knowing instinctively... that something was terribly wrong... and her heart pounding... with trepidation... she almost snatched the note... out of his hand...

With trembling fingers... and tears in her eyes... she barely managed to unfold... the precious little piece of paper... And upon seeing her beloved's handwriting... for the second time... except for his signature... on their Marriage Certificate... which was snugly tucked away... in her handbag... she felt her spirits soar... for a moment...

Only to be dashed... a second later... when she read the words... which seemed to be undulating... up and down... through the blur of tears... hardly able to believe... that her beloved new husband... of barely a week... had written to tell her... that he had waited for her... as long as he could... but having received orders... to fly to London... that very night... leaving Lisbon Airport... at 1O p.m... sharp... he could not wait for her... a second longer...!

Frantic... and almost out of her mind... seeing that she barely had twenty-five minutes... to get to the airport... wherever that was... she raced outside the hotel... praying that she would find a taxi... that would get her there... in time for a tender farewell...

Another precious five minutes... were spent... flagging down taxis - four in all - trying to talk the taxi drivers... into taking her to the airport... without success...

For all four of them... that she had hailed... became instantly suspicious... adamantly refusing... to taxi a young girl... out in the street... all alone at night... after curfew... hardly stopping their cars for her...!

She was about to give up... in despair... when she spotted a stationary taxi... off the main street... just around the corner... from the hotel... and her heart... surging with hope... once more... made a dash for it... only to find the driver... sitting behind the wheel... fast asleep... snoring his head off...

Now filled with a sense of tremendous urgency... she shook the man awake... and a few more precious minutes... were taken up... trying to explain... as best as she could... in sign language... that she had to get to the airport right away...

Despite the drama... of the situation... it must have been quite a comical sight... to see plumpish... buxom Prima... who still had traces of her baby-fat... waving her arms about... desperately trying to demonstrate... a flying aeroplane... to the half-sleepy taxi driver... who kept up a querulous...: "Que.. que..?"... cupping his hand over his ear...

And then... when he finally understood her... he obstinately shook his head "No" at her... unwilling to go... all the way to the airport... not only because there was a curfew on... but because of strict gasoline rationing... as well...

But she finally touched his sense of romance... when she begged... with tears unashamedly streaming down her cheeks...: "Mi amor... mi amor"... going through the motions... of an aeroplane in the air... once again... gesturing beseechingly... that her "amor"... was flying away to "la guerra"... and that she had to get to the airport in time... to see him off...!

The man's heart softened... and finally agreeing to take her... telling her to pray to "Deus"... that the "polizia"... would not stop them... since it was against regulations... he drove at breakneck speed... at the same time... trying his best... to calm her down... clucking reassuringly... that there was plenty of time... for them to get to the airport...

But when they finally did arrive... it was two minutes past ten... too late... and all she saw... was the blinking running lights... of the aircraft... in the distance... as it lifted up... into the darkness... of the starless night sky...

And as she watched the plane... growing smaller and smaller... through the blur of her tears... a gaping... aching emptiness... filled her whole being... and she felt heartbroken... that she had not been in time...

In precious time... to hold her beloved... close to her breast... just once more... time to whisper to him... how much she loved him... and how much she would pray for him... asking God... to Watch over him... while the terrible war... separated them... and then... after all the madness was over... Bring him back to her loving arms... once more... safe and sound...

All the way... back to the hotel... sitting in the back seat... Prima writhed in agony... over the cruel blow... fate had dealt her... denying her even a chance to say... to her beloved husband... of barely a week...:

"Farewell... my darling... and God Speed..."

And in trying to console herself... she thanked her lucky stars... that at least... she had been prudent enough... to have given him her father's business address... in Zurich... whilst still on board ship...

Why... there would... in all probability... be a letter from him awaiting her... by the time she arrived there... in just a few day's time... she cheerfully told herself...

Chapter 3

Prima's Dream World... Of Love... Is Devastatingly Shattered... Even More... In An Instant...!

All I knew... at the time... was that my beloved sister's shattering... of her Dream World of Love... had all come to ugly light... one morning... about a month later... after we were finally settled... in our new home... in Zurich... Switzerland...

We occupied the whole fourth floor... of an old-fashioned apartment building... with no elevator... but five flights of stairs... which also led up... to an outside attic... which became Remo’s room... situated a block or so away... from Papa’s office... down near the beautiful large lake... Zurcher See... visible in the distance... to our right... from our balcony...

On that fateful morning... a cablegram had arrived... at Papa's office... together with a parcel... addressed to a Mrs. Alan Dixon... care of The Overseas Trading Company... Zurich... Switzerland... the contents of which... shocked Papa to the core...!

When... upon opening the cablegram... he read... that the British War Office... deeply regretted having to inform... Mrs. Alan Dixon... nee Prima Vera Rau... that her husband... Flight Lieutenant Alan Dixon... had died a heroic death... while in service... to the British Royal Air Force... duly conscripted... from the Canadian Air Force... having been shot down... in his plane... during a bombing raid... over Germany...!

Papa had come home immediately... in a towering rage... armed with the incriminating items... and angrily zeroed in on Prima... who was dreamily playing... Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata"... on the piano... in the dining room... no doubt... thinking of her beloved husband... Alan...

And he demanded to know the meaning... of the contents... of the cablegram... spluttering that there must be some mistake... for how could a daughter of his... who was only seventeen and a half years of age... and therefore still a minor... possibly be married... and he... her father... not know anything about it...?

Hearing Papa shouting... I had rushed into the dining room... to see what all the commotion was about... and saw... with an instinctive feeling... of wrenching alarm... in my heart... Prima first slowly reading the cablegram... that Papa had angrily thrust... into her face... holding it in trembling fingers...

Then... in a stunned daze... as if in slow motion... getting to her feet... and turning to the parcel... which Papa had disdainfully thrown... onto the dining table... she opened... what appeared to be a shoebox... her shoulders slumped... crestfallen... as she fingered the few... pathetic personal possessions... and only remains... of her dearly beloved husband... of less than a month...:

His shiny insignia... of silver wings... his wristwatch... his toilet articles... a few other odds and ends... and very little else...

For once... at the sight of the raw... grief-stricken look... on her face... Papa's usual anger... at his wayward... high-spirited daughter... was checked... and wordlessly handing her... the agony-causing cablegram... he forcefully propelled me out... through the glass doors... of the dining room... in front of him... into the dark hallway...

Standing there... as he went off to talk... to his beloved Xenia... with only the glass French doors... separating me... from my suffering sister... I felt so utterly helpless... my whole being... yearning to be with her... longing to comfort her... But I knew... deep down in my heart of hearts... that she needed to be alone... in her great sorrow...

As if things... were not bad enough... as they were... Xenia... upon being filled in by Papa... rushed out of their bedroom... and began behaving abominably... crying hysterically... wringing her hands... theatrically... that... suddenly enraged... for the first time... since I had known her... I wanted to slap her... but hard... knock some sense into her...!

Wailing about the disgrace... that Prima had brought down... upon the Rau family... smearing its good name... with scandal... just as her mother had... (whatever that meant)... moaning dramatically... that she had had no idea... that she was harboring... under her roof... a shameless bride... who was legally under age...

And she insisted... that Papa must make immediate arrangements... to annul the shameful union... of his daughter... to a man she had hardly known...!

And to add insult to injury... she had the audacity... to cruelly proclaim... and in a loud voice... so that Prima... could hear every single word... that boy-crazy Prima's so-called "marriage"... could have been nothing more... than a meaningless... fleeting shipboard romance...!

And as she kept on... with her vicious insults... the glass doors... to the dining room... suddenly opened... choking off Xenia's vile tirade... in mid-sentence...

And as we all held our breaths... expecting Prima to pounce... on her loathed and despised step-mother... thoroughly enraged... at her narrow-minded... cruel pettiness... were shocked to see her emerge... looking thoroughly dejected... holding the devastating cablegram... and the precious shoebox... and its contents... close to her breast...

And as she slowly... shuffled past us... her feet seeming to drag behind her... we could all see... how her face had turned... a horrible chalky white...

And for the very first time... in my life... I saw my sister... utterly defeated... by the cruel blow... fate had dealt her... seeing its crushing effect on her... as she... with shoulders slumped... and eyes downcast... went into our roomy joint bedroom... next to the front door... closing the door softly behind her...

Meanwhile... Papa managed to calm Xenia down... leading her back towards their bedroom... way at the other end... of the long hallway... with his arm draped comfortingly... around her heaving shoulders...

And there was now a deathly quiet... throughout the whole... spacious apartment... as I stood... all alone... out in the hallway... my heart aching in sympathy... for my dearly beloved sister... longing to go in to her... but knowing... deep down... that I should leave her alone... in her heartrending grief... for the present...

I expected to hear her... sobbing her heart out... but there was no sound... whatsoever... from behind the closed bedroom door... which filled the atmosphere... with an eerie... heavy ambiance... just like the instant... before an earthquake strikes...!

And no sooner than that thought... crossed my mind... when the earth shook violently... beneath my feet...!

And all the brand new... delicate... Lalique glassware... bought by Xenia... displayed proudly... on top of the buffet table... in the dining room... began to tinkle... as they were made to jostle... against each other... then... as the quake intensified... they were smashed... against each other... breaking into a million... shattering pieces...!

The strong quake lasted... for quite a few minutes...!

And as I stood... in the middle of the long... dark hallway... all alone... bracing myself... against the walls... with my monkey arms... and long legs... stretched out... with a strong feeling... inside me... of utter trust and faith... in the Protection... of my Heavenly Father... never in a million years... did I imagine... that an earthquake... could happen... in Europe... let alone... in Zurich... Switzerland... of all places...!

Growing up in Japan... I was so used to them... occurring yearly... between the months of October and February... and I was absolutely flabbergasted... realizing that not even in Europe... could I escape them...!

Then... as I stood there... in the darkness... of the long hallway... I found myself wondering... whether my Heavenly Father... through the sudden Shaking... of the earth... Was Expressing His Mighty Wrath... at His son... Theodore Rau... for treating His loved daughter... so cruelly... whom... for this particular lifetime... He Had Loaned out to him... as his daughter...!

The newspapers... and radio reported... that evening... that the seven minute earthquake... of that day... generated up in the mountains... above Zurich... was most unusual... the last one having occurred... over thirty years ago...!

Now... sitting with my beloved sister... in her cozy... warm kitchen... on the eve of June 7th ... 1951... just two months... into my twenty-first year of life... for once sober... she was telling me... about the double tragedy... that had struck her so cruelly... not only of having her husband... of barely a month... suddenly wrenched away from her... so abruptly... but of the fact that... as she held the British War Office cablegram... in her hand... and looked down... upon her beloved's pitifully few mementos... displayed in the shoebox... she knew that she was carrying... in her womb... the precious fruit... of their love... for each other...!

And as I sat there... utterly dumbfounded... she confided further... how she had subsequently been forced... to tell Papa... about her pregnant condition... desperately hoping... to change his mind... about annulling her precious marriage...

But his reaction... to her desperate plea... had been... first... disdainful disgust... then adamant insistence... that he make arrangements... not only to annul her so-called farce... of a marriage... but to terminate her pregnancy... as well... and forthwith...!

To all her beseeching... begging her father... since her beloved Alan... was lost to her forever... in death... to at least allow her... to have his child... as a living... breathing reminder of him... and the deep love they had shared... for each other... he turned a deaf ear...

Ranting and raving... at his daughter... he reminded her harshly... that she was not yet eighteen... therefore according to Swiss law... legally still a minor... much too young... to be married... let alone become a mother...

And when his daughter... her Leoness flaring up... angrily reminded him... that he himself... had married her own mother... when she was only sixteen... giving birth to her... when she was barely seventeen years old... he disdainfully brushed aside that fact... as being of no consequence...!

(She very prudently... left out the shameful part... of reminding him... of how he had first raped her... when she was only fifteen... which her mother... always treating her... like a younger sister... than a daughter... had already told her all about... when she was only twelve...!)

He tried to convince his daughter... that having a child so young... all on her own... meant having to make necessary sacrifices... in order to raise it properly... and what about her interrupted... uncompleted education...?

He simply could not understand... how she could want to throw her life away... so easily... reminding her sternly... how she would be minimizing... her opportunities... for another favorable marriage... later on... when she was suitably older... for no man in his right mind... would want to be burdened... with a much too young mother... already saddled... with another man's child...

Sobbing bitter tears... as she recalled... her enormous grief... and sorrow... and the perpetual... empty aching void... left inside her... at the loss of her precious baby... she told me that... even though she had given birth... to two wonderful children... after she married shoe tycoon... Jonni Weibel... later on... when she was twenty-one... she still longed for a living... breathing reminder... in memory... of the greatest love... she had ever known...

Even though their time together... had been so brief... she still ached... to hold Alan's child... in her arms... still suffered greatly... from the loss of it... to Papa’s enforced abortion... angry at herself... for having been so weak... as to give in... to his angry demands... that she end her precious pregnancy...

At that time... abortions were strictly illegal... in Switzerland... but being such new arrivals... in the country... and Prima being legally under age... short of running away... she was ultimately forced to have the developing fetus... removed from her womb...

And she told me... how she had never been able to forgive her father... for inflicting such painful agony on her... Her marriage was privately... legally annulled... as well...

Sitting with my sister... in her kitchen... I was shocked beyond words... as she unburdened... her soul to me... especially since we had not only shared... the same bedroom... at the time... but the very same... king size bed... just like we did... in Japan...!

And even then... I had never had any inkling... of the double agony... she was suffering from... and at such a tender age...!

The sudden loss... of her new husband... and following right on the heels of her loss... the horrible crime... of having a doctor take a human... living embryo... her precious baby... from her womb...!

And doubly shocked... when she finally confessed... the real reason... for that time... when I had accompanied her... to the doctor’s office...!

When her father... had made secret arrangements... through his many business connections... for his daughter... to be illegally aborted... of her precious baby... and ordered... that she accompany him... to the doctor’s office... for some strange reason... she had revolted... and told him... firmly... that she would only go... if her little sister Graziella... accompanied her... and no one else...!

And when she asked me one day... soon after she got the tragic news of her husband’s untimely death... whether I would care to go with her... to see a doctor... to get a prescription... for her shattered nerves... to help her in her grieving... over the loss... of her beloved Alan... I had readily agreed...

And all the while... she snuggled close to me... in the taxi... on the way to the doctor’s office... I held her close to me... as she finally sobbed her heart of grief out...

And all the while... I held her in my arms... telling her tenderly... to let it all out... soothing... and comforting her... as much as I could... I had not the slightest idea... whatsoever... as the taxi drove us inexorably... towards a devastating event... that would change my cherished sister... forever... that she was pregnant... with her beloved Alan’s child...!

If I had known... I would have begged her... not to go through... with what I knew to be the most terrible sin... in God’s Eyes... urging her... that we turn the taxi around... and go and see the kindly Behren’s... in their charming chalet... up in the mountains... certain that they would shelter us... and help Prima... to keep her baby...

Now I understood more fully... why she had suddenly developed... an "I don't care" attitude... turning to alcohol... and loose living... and one lover... after another... to try to forget the agony... tearing at her heart...

For she also knew... deep down inside her... that it was a sin... to take a human life... In her own fashion... she too... had a deep abiding faith... in Almighty God... and felt that she had fallen... from His Divine Grace...!

My heart going out to her... in soul-deep sympathy... I asked...:

"Why in Heaven's name didn't you tell me... let me share some of your pain with you...? We could have gone to that nice young couple... the Behrens... for their help...”

She replied... smiling wistfully through her tears...:

"I wanted to spare you... the ugly side of life... as much... as I could... because I have always felt... more like a mother... than a sister to you... and tried my very best... to protect you... from the harsh realities of life... for as long as I could...!"

Hearing the sincerity... in my sister's voice... my heart overflowed with love... for this very special human being... who had chosen... to suffer in silence... even as her little sister... much taller than she was... lay cuddled up next to her... in their big king size bed...!

I honestly don't know... if our positions had been reversed... whether I could have been so stoically silent... unselfish... and caring...

Neither did I have any inkling... that memorable night... that within two years... I myself... would allow my precious baby... to be taken... from my most reluctant womb... because my adored... married lover... to whom I had turned to... when my mother rejected me... had threatened to leave me... if I went through... with my pregnancy...!

On that deeply meaningful night... of Prima... baring her soul to me... I also found out... for the first time... how she had saved my life... bodily rescuing me from a fire... that had engulfed our house... in Kobe... when I was too little to remember...

At tremendous risk... to her eight year old self... she had run back... into the burning inferno... and snatched me from my crib...! And she told me... how Miraculous it was... that I had slept through the whole dangerous event... never once waking up...!

She also told me... of yet another incident... when I had fallen out of our shared bed... onto my head... landing on the sharp metal edge... of the Senko mosquito repellant... set on the floor... at the head of our bed... which not only had singed my hair... but nastily gashed open my scalp... as well...!

Again... Miraculously... I had slept through the whole event... climbing back into bed... without ever waking up...!

Meantime... Prima... at about nine years old... lying beside her three year old little sister... had woken up... to see her pillow... drenched with blood... and had screamed for help... Lucky that she did wake up... for she may have very well bled to death... in her sleep...!

I have no recollection... of that episode... either... except that... to this day... I have a little bald patch... on the crown of my head...!

Perhaps Prima... bared her soul to me... in such depth... that last day... and night... because in her heart of hearts... she "knew"... that we would never see each other again... in this lifetime...!

Although we did keep up a steady correspondence... with each other... for many years... throughout our years of separation... from one another...

Chapter 4

Prima's Most Unpleasant Purification Latihans... For Alcoholism... After I Introduce Her... To The Miracle of SUBUD...!

I duly got her "Opened"... into SUBUD... And when she was given her SUBUD name... of Rafaella... she became inspired... in her forties... to learn to play the guitar...!

But unfortunately... there came a time... when she stopped worshipping her Beloved Creator... the SUBUD Way... of unconditional surrender to Him... because her Latihans... had become most uncomfortable...

At first... she Was Made To Feel Drunk... even though she was stone cold sober...! And Just Stood... in her state of surrender... to her Heavenly Father... for the required thirty minutes...

But then... after a few months... her Latihan changed...

Surrendering herself... to her Heavenly Father... in the Latihan Kejiwaan... in an instant... she Would first Feel Dizzy... in her Spiritually Awakened Head... and Soon Feel... as if she were roaring drunk... although there was not a drop of alcohol... in her body... at the time...!

But then... in this God Willed State of Inebriation... Her Heavenly Father... Would Gradually Force His Daughter... Down To Her Knees... At First... For A Little While... Then Push Her Further Down... To The Floor... Until Her Head Was Touching It...

But that was not enough... for her Process of Purification... of years of alcohol abuse... Because soon... Her Head Would Be Made... To Bear Down Hard... Into The Floor... As If Drilling A Hole Into It...!

It should have been very painful... but Miraculously... she felt no pain... just uncomfortable... Because She Remained... With Her Head Drilling Hard... Into The Floor... For About Twenty Minutes...

Unfortunately... as this uncomfortable Process... kept Repeating itself... over and over... for quite a few months... instead of being patient... and accepting... what her Beloved God... Was Doing to her... for her own good... the day came... when she Was Told... within herself... that henceforth... she would no longer have the desire for alcohol...

And instead of being joyful... about her Divine Deliverance... from an addiction... which had become thoroughly uncontrollable... over quite a number of years... when already at the age of twenty-one... she was medically diagnosed... as having alcoholic poisoning... in her system... for the third time... she rebelled...!

Not wanting to give it up... she duly stopped... surrendering herself... to her Heavenly Father... in the Latihan Kejiwaan of SUBUD... with utter trust... and faith in Him... and with a feeling inside her of patience...

Very unhappy... she begged me to come to her... to help her... but by this time... I was suffering... with repeated God-Willed Strokes... and completely bed-ridden...!

It seems as if this form of particular Purification Latihan... is Received by alcoholics... for not only did my alcoholic husband... Rene... have the identical type of Latihan... as my alcoholic sister... but so have a number of other alcoholics... who came to SUBUD... to Receive Spiritual Growth... and Development... from their Creator... Almighty God...!

Chapter 5

Prima... Fatally Shot... By A Spurned Lover... Has A Near Death Experience... Where She Is Sent... Straight To Hell... The Shocking Experience Of Which... Results in Her... Finally Giving Up Alcohol... Altogether... For Good...!

I had a very interesting Spiritual Experience... when... one night... while patiently... and unconditionally... surrendering myself... to my Beloved Allah Almighty God... in the Latihan Kejiwaan of SUBUD... all of a sudden... my Guardian Angel Informed me... Speaking in my right ear... as usual...:

"Your Sister... Is No Longer Living On Earth... But She Is In Hell...!"

Being in a deeply surrendered state... I did not react startled... or shocked... and tried to quietly accept... His terrible news... and with a great feeling of love... for her... I surrendered my beloved sister... to the Loving Arms of her Creator...

And then... after a little while... my Guardian Angel Spoke again... Saying...:

"Are You Willing... Right Now... To Go Into The Bowels Of Hell... And Rescue Your Sister...?"

Immediately... without an instant's hesitation... and with all the fervor... that was inside me... I answered that I would...

There was a Heavenly Silence... for another little while... then my Guardian Angel Said...:

"She Is Now Being Helped...!

Very relieved... I naturally believed... that my sister had passed over... into the Afterlife... and was Being Helped... out of Hell... into Heaven...

And was thoroughly bowled over... when a few years later... a letter arrived from her... to inform me... that our mother... had passed away...!

There had been quite a gap... of some years... in our correspondence... so that there was a lot of catching up... to share with each other... albeit tentatively... at first...

Then some letters later... she shyly wrote... about a most astonishing experience... she had...

Telling me about the time... when... after being fatally shot... by a jealous lover... and being declared dead... by the doctors... she had Miraculously... come back to life... after about fifteen minutes... of experiencing... the most frightening thing... in her life... when she found herself... in the terrifying pits of Hell...!

My sister's fatal shooting... happened... at the exact time... my Guardian Angel... Visited me... with her living in Zurich... Switzerland... and I in Tampa... Florida... in the USA...!

About two years... after our resumption... of corresponding with each other again... regularly... during which time... she told me... that her near death experience... had shocked her... into giving up alcohol completely... in 1985... three years... into my bedridden stroke time... my Guardian Angel Informed me... one day... that she was no longer... living on earth...!

Chapter 6

Between the ages of eighteen... and twenty-one... Our Roles Become Reversed... Where I Become... My Alcoholic Sister's Fierce Protector... With The Help... Of My Guardian Angel...!

Upon reflection... looking back... upon our association... as siblings... where she did her best... to protect me... in the crucial moments... of my babyhood... and early youth... I... in turn... protected her... on many an occasion... as an adult... between the ages of 18... and 21...!

When often hopelessly in her cups... helpless... her little sister... who now stood at a daunting five foot ten... would be the one... to be Guided... by her Guardian Angel... to stride fearlessly... into low dives... and bistros... and bars... rescuing her beloved big sister... from the lewd attentions... of unsavory characters... trying to take advantage of her... in her inebriated state...

On one occasion... I walked into a bar... Prompted yet again... by my Guardian Angel... Who Informed me... that my sister... was in trouble... again... just as a man was sticking his hand... down the front of her dress... as she sat lolling drunkenly... on the bar stool...

And becoming enraged... at the degrading sight... my Guardian Angel... Once Again... Gave me the Superhuman Strength... that I needed... And I lashed out... and Belted the drunk... one in the chops... satisfactorily knocking out... one of his teeth...!

It seemed as if my Heavenly Father... Had Decreed... that our roles... were to become reversed...!

For it was I... who had become the "big sister"... And I would think nothing... of having to make doubly long trips... boarding numerous busses... to get us safely... back to her mansion...

And we would often be greeted... at the door... by her worried... anxious husband... who... although he worshipped... and adored her... could not control... her wild ways... and stop her nightly jaunts... to bars... to drink... and even sometimes... bring some strange man... back to their mansion... to sleep with her... when her husband was away... on business...!

But there were also times... when she brought some drunk home with her... even when her husband was home...!

And between the two of us... we would get rid of the equally drunk... bewildered... would be lover stranger...!

Then we would make certain... that she... who had become alarmingly thin... got some nourishing food and coffee... into her alcohol riddled body... undressing her... and tucking her into bed... and generally taking care of her... when she was too sick and weak... or depressed... or simply unable and unwilling... to take proper care of herself...

Then with Jonni... thanking me profusely... for bringing his beloved wife... safely back to him... making the long journey back... to my rented room... in the city... usually in the wee hours... of the morning...!

I would often arrive... back at home... just in time to undress... wash... change... and go out again... immediately... to get to work on time... for I had to be at the office... very early in the morning...

Although chronically anemic... because of my heavy loss of blood... during my monthly cycles... needing lots of rest... usually ten hours of sleep a night... whenever my sister needed me... I Would Be Given a Special Grace... of not needing to sleep... at all...!

Dropping everything... when my Guardian Angel Called me... I would rush to her rescue... with Him Accompanying me... my overpowering love... and concern for her... being of the utmost importance to me... making me easily able to function... at my work place... after rescuing her... without any sleep... at all...!

And there were many occasions... on weekends... when hotels would be raided... by the Swiss police... who had nothing better to do... than look for adulterous couples...!

And Prima would invariably be found in bed... drunk... with some equally drunk stranger... who was not her husband... in his hotel room...!

And the punishment... meted out by law... for adultery... was for the female... to do public service... such as cleaning out the filthy... dirty latrines... throughout the city...!

And punishment for the male... caught in bed with a female... who was not his wife...? There was none... for the male was never to blame... only the female... even if she was young... and naive enough... to be his daughter...!

And Jonni and I... would often find ourselves... at the police station... to bail drunk Prima... out of jail... for sleeping with a strange man... who was not her husband... in one of the raided hotels...!

Chapter 7

Our Torturous Train Rides... In Early March... 1942... First Across Beautiful... Peaceful Portugal...!

Waking up... on solid ground... after over a week at sea... was quite a unique experience indeed... As I finally laid my head down on the soft pillow... of the feathery hotel bed... that first night ashore... more than ready to transport myself... into the waiting arms of Morpheus... I had experienced the same undulating sensation... my body seeming to gently swing up... then down... just as at sea... as the ship... rode the waves...!

And here... again... just as when on the night we arrived in Los Angeles... after almost two months at sea... I was once again... feeling the same sensation... which most pleasantly... was rocking me to sleep...

And I was enjoying the sensation so much... as it lulled me to sleep... that I hardly noticed... when Prima quietly came... into our shared hotel room... with her heart heavy... and filled with longing... for her beloved Alan... whom she had not been able to bid a fond farewell to... and silently slipped under the covers... next to me... snuggling close... even though she had her own bed... to sleep in...!

On the following morning... awakening for the first time... in my life... on European soil... since my first two months of life... in Italy... I felt quite relaxed and rested... and not one bit fearful and afraid... now that I was finally finding myself... dangerously close... to the edge... of the bloody arena of war... that was saturating... much of the European continent...

The city of Lisbon... had come to life early... and from our hotel window... I could hear the overpowering noise and smell... of the peculiar ambiance... that was Portugal... as people noisily hustled and bustled... busily going about their business...

While Prima was in the bathroom... I occupied myself... by staying by the window... my eyes and senses... glued to the populous scene below... For after the quasi-confinement of the ship... it was quite startling... to see and hear... so many people... at one time...!

Our hotel stood... in the middle... of the main square... of the city... and everywhere I looked... I could see elaborately ornate... sculptured buildings... which gave the city its quaint... historically old-fashioned charm...

Since Cooks Tours... had made first class train reservations... for the Rau family... on the Wagons Lit... which would take us non-stop... straight through... from Lisbon to Zurich... taking no more than forty-eight hours... at the most... we were expecting... to leave Lisbon... by mid-morning... the following day...

Rather than spending the one and only day before departure... sightseeing... Papa and Xenia... thought it prudent... to attend to more practical matters... by spending their precious free time... shopping for essentials... especially since we would be traveling through pathetically poverty-stricken Spain... not yet recovered... from its recent... devastating Civil War...

And when they returned... to the hotel... some hours later... quite exhausted... but reasonably satisfied... they unpacked their shopping bags and parcels... sorting out and distributing various items... to the members of their family...

One of the items... turned out to be an enormous straw hamper... packed to the brim... with all sorts of canned... and packaged foods... including different kinds of miniature breads... sausages... cheeses and fruits... which Xenia proudly produced... with a grand flourish... expecting praises of "Hallelujah"... from her family...

And she was mortified... to see everybody... laughing at her good-naturedly... passing remarks... at how "over well-prepared"... she was being... Remo teasing her affectionately... and even her adored Theo...

But as things grimly turned out... it was a very good thing... that she had had the foresight... to include a food hamper... on her shopping list... otherwise... ... but I am running ahead... of my adventurous narrative...

We all had an early night... and the next morning... bright and early... braving the chill morning air... we embarked on the world famous Wagons Lit train... ensconced... to my mind... compactly cozy and comfy... in our very own separate compartments...

I was looking very much forward... to my very first experience... of first watching the countryside of Portugal... go by... from my comfy window seat... wondering how it would differ... from the countryside of Spain... its next door neighbor...

Then relishing the thought... of actually sleeping on a berth... once again... on a train at night... just like on that memorable trip... on the Super Chief Pullman train... from Los Angeles to New York... with dear Bill... in cheerful attendance...

For some reason... I thought we would be traveling... for a whole day... through Portugal alone... and I must say... I was quite disappointed... when Remo corrected me... telling me how wrong I was... to think that our train journey... from Portugal to Switzerland... would take longer than a day...

However... as things ultimately... and quirkily turned out... he was very wrong...!

Under more normal circumstances... Remo would probably have been right... but because of fuel rationing... and other reasons... which can drastically alter... the normal state of things... during war time... even in neutral countries... our train seemed to inch slowly... across the countryside... stopping at every station... for long periods of time... leisurely off loading... and on loading weary... travel-trodden passengers... before chugging slowly on again...

And although the scenery... was pleasant enough... at first... with lots of beautiful green fields and farmlands... cows peacefully grazing away... the sun brightly shining down... on the peaceful... pastoral scenes... the longer the day dragged on... and on... the engines endlessly chug-chugging... the hotter and hotter it got...!

And when... in the afternoon... the sun streamed in... through our side... of the uncurtained windows... the now most uncomfortably hot... narrow compartment... became unbearably stifling...

To break the monotony... Remo suggested... that we eat some of the food... from Xenia's precious hamper... but she responded... with a tight-lipped... "forr emeerrgency situvaishons only!"... holding on to the enormous basket... for dear life... and refused to relinquish it from her lap - not even her beloved Teo... could cajole it... away from her...!

Every now and again... I noticed how quiet Prima was... much too quiet... it seemed to me... her nose deliberately buried... behind some magazine or other... and for a brief moment... I would wonder... what was bothering her... for I felt that something definitely was...

Her heart was probably aching... for her beloved Alan... I thought to myself... then wondered briefly... whether he was sitting somewhere else... on the train... waiting anxiously for her... and that from behind her magazine... she was looking... for the perfect opportunity... when she could slip away... to be with him... without arousing Papa's suspicions... too much...

But the only time... she left the compartment... and only for short periods of time... was to go to the toilet cubicle...

Well... then... maybe he had gone on ahead of her... and was waiting for her... in some prearranged secret place of rendezvous... in some hotel in Zurich... Yes... that sounded more plausible...

Because he could just as easily... fly from Zurich... to London... to join the RAF...

And I relaxed... feeling content... that quite soon my big sister... would be in the loving arms... of her beloved... once again...

“Yes... but I really did not know that for certain... did I?”... I mused to myself... getting a bit worried...

“Supposing that was not the case at all... and I am just imagining their getting together in Zurich... wanting everything to be absolutely perfect... for my adored sister... wanting only her happiness...?”

Becoming more and more unsettled... then no longer wanting to drive myself crazy... speculating on what the true situation... might be for Prima... in case it might be an unhappy one... I made myself ignore the fact... that her strange... quiet behavior... was unnatural for her...

The railway line... had disbanded the usual practice... of attaching a dining car... for its passengers... so that all our meals... were served in our compartments... consisting mainly of sandwiches... with assorted fillings... and cups of very weak coffee... the sipping of which... immediately caused my heart to act up... unpleasantly... for a while...!

I duly went to bed... that first night... eager to experience... sleeping on an upper berth... of a train... once again... albeit only a mite disgruntled... since my stomach... kept growling in protest... that it had not had its fill...

And all night long... as I lay near the ceiling... being shunted gently... from side to side... I tried to shut out visions of enticing... steaming platters of delicious... culinary masterpieces... their delectable aromas... wafting up my nose...!

And I spent the night... far from how I had imagined it would be... cozily nestled... under the blankets... being rocked pleasantly... by the chug-chug-chugging... of the train's engine... but miserably... restlessly thrashing about... groaning in protest... over my half starved state... unable to get a proper night's sleep...

And just before Mr. Sandman... finally closed my eyes... and I drifted off to dreamland... and yet another visit... to my true Home in Heaven... I could have sworn... that I could hear muffled sobs... coming from down below me... where Prima was lying... But by then... I was far too exhausted... from hunger... and my own restlessness... to summon up the strength... to sympathetically ask her... what the matter was...

And when our French compartment attendant... at the ungodly hour of six o'clock... in the morning... rattled his keys... across our door... for a moment... then unlocking it... proffered steaming hot cups of coffee... under our noses... with a cheerful...: "Bon Jour mes jolies Mesdemoiselles..."... I could have kissed him with relief... for I knew his coming... signalled... that the coveted sandwiches... would not be far behind...

But as I climbed down... the short stepladder... to get dressed... a wave of dizziness... suddenly swept... over my body... making my legs tremble... and I felt terribly weak all over... and forgot all about asking Prima... why she had been sobbing... into her pillow... during the night... but bursting into tears myself... instead... seething with frustration... that I was feeling so sapped of energy...

And upon seeing the sorry plight... I was in... Prima immediately became solicitous... and a part of me was glad... that my sorry condition... was helping make her forget... her own unhappiness... for a while... as she set about... helping me get my clothes on... propping me up... at the tiny wash basin... so that I could at least wash my face... and brush my teeth... even though I was now... quite a bit taller... than she was...

By the time we were finally both ready... to leave our compartment... to join Papa and Xenia in theirs... bravely facing the world... once again... I was fiercely occupying myself... scheming for ways and means... in which to wrest Xenia's precious food hamper... away from her...

The weakly brewed... sweetened coffee... having further stimulated my appetite... to an unbearable pitch - I had to eat... and soon... my rapidly growing body... demanding to be fed... otherwise... I would go stark staring mad... with gnawing... ravenous hunger...!

I don't remember exactly... how many sandwiches I consumed... but I do remember... they were many - I believe I asked for four packages - before my stomach... finally settled down... more or less satisfied...!

Chapter 8

And Then... By Total Contrast... Through The Pitiful Devastation... Of Civil War Ravaged Spain...!

And then began the dreariest... longest day of my life... traveling uphill now... through the Spanish countryside... the border of which... we had crossed... some time during the wee hours of the morning... just before dawn...

And it was the most shocking... and depressing sight... to behold mile... after devastating mile... the cruel aftermath... of what the Civil War of the twenties... had wrought...:

As far as the eye could see... there was nothing... but pathetic scenes of ruins... skeletal frames... where once magnificent houses... had probably once stood... proud and stately... and more undiscernible piles of rubble... the further inland... and upwards... we slowly chugged along...

And then... to make matters worse... we realized that thick black dust... was beginning to seep in... through the windows... into our compartment... quickly transforming it... into a hazy mist... which stung our eyes... making them smart painfully... with tears... its fine grains... scratchily penetrating their way... into our clothing... making our skin itch... unbearably... Our nostrils became clogged... with the particles... our mouths grittily tasting the dry... choking... chalky texture of it...

And still the train crawled... upwards... at a snail's pace... unwilling to go any faster... And still there were the endless piles... of stone and plaster rubble... mile after mile...

What an ordeal it was for us all... as we choke-breathed in... the thick dust... barely able to croak out... our discomfiture... as we sat huddled miserably... in the unbearable heat... trying futilely... to shield our heads... with our arms... crazily hoping... to keep some of the dust out... each one of us silently... and desperately... praying for deliverance...

Trips to the washroom... to get our handkerchiefs... saturated with water... to help relieve... some of the discomfort... were fruitless... since there were already long queues... of equally suffering passengers... waiting in line... with the same idea in mind...

It seemed as if our train... was carrying most of the population... of Southern Spain...! - everybody headed up... towards Madrid... situated in the very middle... of the country... between east and west... and north and south... in hopes of leaving their pitiful lives of pittance... behind them...

Sick to their very souls... of having to scrape their fingers... to the bone... for their meager living... in the rubble... of what was once... one of the most richly fertile areas of Spain... dreaming their dreams... born of desperation... in hopes of finding new beginnings... in the comparatively undestroyed city of Madrid...

All these desperate natives... of the land... asked for... was another chance... to live... where they could earn an honest day's work... so that they could... once more... hold up their proud heads... defiantly letting the world know... that they were not yet beaten... into the dust... of Spanish soil... which had run red... and soaked through... with the spilled blood of its courageous defenders...

I found myself thinking... of dear old Mr. Ruetli... and the gentle Behrens... and their adorable little son... baby Rainer... from who we had parted company... back in New York... and who were probably all already well settled... in Switzerland... wondering how they had survived the ordeal... of crossing Spain... on a slow-as-a-snail train...

The only bright spots... during that long... hot second day... when the train ground... to yet another slow halt... at some local station... on the outskirts... of some undistinguishable little village... was to be able to purchase... from little boys... their skeletal bones sticking out... their puny bodies... barely covered in rags... bags and bags... of the most delicious oranges... I have ever eaten... bright orangy-pink... on the outside... blood red... and sweetly juicy... on the inside... from the famous province of Valencia... where they were cultivated...

The following poignant scenario... never failed to repeat itself...:

As soon as the train came abreast... of yet another outdoor station platform... hordes of hollow-cheeked... gaunt youngsters... would converge on it... in swarms... holding up their wares... of exquisitely wrought... wooden handcrafts... colorfully woven serapes... and blankets... and the world famous... Valencia oranges - no other food was available...

And they would lift up their skinny arms... all of them holding aloft... their precious merchandise... even standing on tiptoe... on their trembling... spindly legs... barely reaching up... to the windows... of the train... with beseeching looks of desperation... in their eyes...

And at the pitiful sight... my heart would go out to them... and I would fiercely wish... that I had the money... to buy all their wares from them... so that they would at least... for a while... be able to feed the hungry mouths... of their families... and keep the ravening wolves of starvation... from their doors...

The monotonous scenery... of heartbreak and ruin... mile after mile... on both sides... of the railway tracks... was extremely hard... for sensitive me... to take in stride... and I found myself weeping... in heartfelt sympathy... for the sad plight... of these proud Spanish people... so obviously having been brought down very low... by their Fascist ruler... Generallisimo Franco’s greed for absolute power... over his people...

And I sent up a silent prayer... for the wellbeing... of all those proud souls... who had... and still were suffering... so much privation... fervently hoping... that the Spanish people... had finally learned their lesson... that selfish greed corrupts... and can only bring misery... to everyone it touches... in its wake...

We finally... and at long last... of almost unbearable endurance... of the onslaught of chalky... choking... sooty dust... and relentless heat... chugged into the comparatively dust-free city of Madrid... at dusk...

And of a sudden... there was no more sad rubble... to be seen... no more ruined landmarks...!

And I thought to myself...:

"Thank God my eyes don't have to behold... anymore pitiful scenes of devastation... and my body have to endure the effects of it..."

And as my stomach... suddenly let out an ominous growl...:

"And I hope we can finally get a decent hot meal now...!"

Then the startling announcement came... down the cars... that there was to be an unexpected hitch... and that the French train... would not be traveling on... into France... and Switzerland... after all... for there was a rumor circulating... that the Germans... were making their way down southward... of “la belle France”...!

We were further informed... that all passengers would be put up... for the night... at the finest hotel... Madrid had to offer... at Wagons Lits’ expense... of course... and that there would be a neutral Spanish train... available to them... the following afternoon... one that would safely take them on... for the rest of their journey... to Switzerland...!

Chapter 9

Yours Truly... Is Brought Up Very High... In Unexpected Opulence... In A First Class Hotel... In Madrid...!

As we finally stood at the counter... of the opulent... grand hotel... to sign in... surrendering our passports... all of us weary... dusty and dirty... I hardly noticed... the four large room keys... placed in front of us...

Naturally... I assumed... that Prima and I would be sharing a room... as we had in Lisbon... and wondered... puzzled... and half awake... what the extra fourth key was for...

And when the reception clerk explained... at Papa’s questioning... that we were to have... at our disposal... compliments of the hotel... suites of our own... the import of what he was saying... still didn’t register...!

Not even when Papa and Xenia designated... where all the luggage should go to...

Not until we were escorted... up to our rooms... in the ornate elevator... by the smartly uniformed hotel porter... keys in hand... who first opened... one enormously tall double door... of white... with gold trimmed edges... beckoning for Papa and Xenia to follow him...

Then reemerging... a short while later... while Prima... Remo and I... stood in the long... carpeted hall... with its ornate wallpaper... of white and gold... waiting... he proceeded down the hall... to another... similar tall double door... opening it with another key... beckoning for Remo to follow him inside... and coming out... a short while later... escorted his last two ladies... a little further down the opulent hallway...

Coming to yet another tall... white and gold double door... he opened it... and beckoned to Prima... to follow him... so we both entered what I saw... to be an enormous suite... very richly furnished... and seeing the enormous bed... through a doorway... made a beeline for it... wanting nothing more... than to thrown myself down on it... because I was so exhausted...

But the porter stopped me... and quickly handing Prima... the enormous key... to the suite... he beckoned that I should follow him outside...!

And to my utter amazement... he led me to the very next tall... imposing gold and white double door... right next to Prima’s... and opened it with the fourth key...!

And intimating... that I should follow him inside... he led the way... into the most gorgeous... luxurious hotel suite... I had ever seen... far more luxurious... and opulent... than our hotel suite... at the Swiss Dauphin Hotel... in Manhattan...!

Immediately noticing the thick... lush... snow white carpeting... I quickly took my shoes off... and let my tired feet... deliciously sink... into the comforting... rich texture of it...

And standing wide-eyed with wonder... in the middle of the ultra opulent... exquisitely furnished suite... with its rich décor... of white and gold... it finally dawned... on my befuddled... exhausted mind... as the porter... noticing my delight... grinned at me... nodding his head vigorously... that all this richness... was being given to me... all mine... my very own hotel suite... to luxuriate in...!

I wasn’t dreaming... for there... right in front of me... were my very own... two suitcases...!

The luxury of the spacious hotel suite... after having had to endure the increasingly narrow... stifling confinement... of our train compartment... for the past twenty-four hours... twelve of them... chokingly sooty dust-filled... was most welcome... indeed...

And after we all... freshened ourselves up... and shed our dusty clothing... putting on fresh ones... we sat down to a sumptuous feast... of delicious Spanish specialities... in the enormous hotel dining room...

Treated like royalty... by the hotel staff... we were perfectly served... with everything cooked to perfection... each enticing entrée platter... such as delicous Paella...

This delectable Spanish specialty... consists of Saffron flavored rice... and a concoction of seafood... pungently redolent... of garlic and spices... and virgin olive oil...

And the sumptuous meal... was topped off... with their famous dessert... called "flan"... a kind of caramel custard... which I did not care for... For some reason... my palate has never been able to tolerate anything... tasting of burnt sugar... such as butterscotch... and now flan...!

And that night... after a quick hot sitz bath... so tired... that I did not even realize... that I could lie... full length in it... with my tummy... happily full to bursting... and for once... too tired to brush my loose tresses... a hundred times... I fell into the soft folds... of the bedcovers... of the enormous bed... falling fast asleep... before my head even touched the pillow...!

Feeling delightfully Delivered... by the Loving Hands... of my Heavenly Father... I just barely had time... to thank Him... fervently... with my last moment of consciousness...!

The following morning... bright and early... I awoke to the sun... streaming in... through the French glass doors... and running to them... dressed in my expensive... pure silk... bright red... Chinese lounging pajamas... noticed that my hotel suite... boasted a narrow wrought iron balcony...

Similar to the one... situated in Lisbon... this hotel was... likewise sitting... on a square... in the middle of the city... from which I could survey... and admire... the beautiful... lush landscape... for miles around...

And standing there... gratefully breathing in free... dust-free air... for a welcome change... I thought to myself... how similar in looks to Lisbon... Madrid was... with the same highly sculptured... elaborately carved edifices... with smaller buildings... humbly nestled... in between tall ornate ones...

But I did not get a sense... of quaint old-fashioned charm... as I did in Lisbon... but I did get a sense of the passion... and pride... of the Spanish people... fiercely burning... in their breasts... as I noticed... how one handsome man after another... walked nobly... with his head held high... and just barely short of strutting...!

And how the olive-skinned senoritas... many dressed in colorful native costumes... exhibited themselves proudly... in the streets... their beautiful dark eyes... smoldering with barely concealed looks... of pretended haughty disdain... but very aware... of how the arrogant men... cast them piercing glances... as they glided past them... their brightly colored skirts swishing...

From the way their bodies... undulated seductively... I almost expected them to break out... into the passionate dance... of the flamenco... any moment... clicking their castanets...!

And as I watched... fascinated... I thought to myself... that this romantic tableau... of veiled seduction... before me... was much more exciting... by far... than watching a movie...!

Reluctantly stepping back... into the cool interior... of my opulent suite... for I could have stayed there... on the balcony... gazing out at the fascinating scene below... forever and ever... I idly wondered... whether Prima... was now with her beloved Alan...

And just as I did so... there was a discreet tapping... on the door... and going to open it... there in front of me... stood a smartly uniformed waiter... dark and devilishly handsome... who... with a deferential bow... smilingly walked past my astonished gaze... into the suite... wheeling a cart... laden with dishes and platters... announcing... with a gleaming smile... of perfect white teeth... in a charming Latin accent...:

“La Bella Senorita's breakfast... compliments of the hotel...!”

After he silently withdrew... all I could do was stand there... as if rooted to the spot... all kinds of emotions... flooding through my being... at this most unexpected event...!

Never before in my life... had I been exclusively served... by a waiter... in the privacy... of a plush... luxurious hotel suite...! And I couldn't quite accept it... as a natural happening... within the bounds... of my limited experience...!

So that all I could do... was just go on... standing there... like an idiot... gawking... wondering whether I was having a wonderful dream...!

Then my tummy... let out an awesome growl... bringing me abruptly to the present...!

And delighted... that I was not in the middle... of a fairy tale dream... after all... my body galvanized into action... and tossing my golden mane of hair back... I whipped off the protective white cloth... from the cart... and beheld a feast... fit for a queen...!

Lifting off the cover... from one of the silver containers... a tantalizing whiff... of aromatic herbs and spices... assailed my quivering nostrils... and my bulging eyes beheld... sitting neatly... on the enormous oval platter... an assortment of delectable meats... such as calve's tongue... and cheese-sausage... tiny round broiled tomatoes... and a spicy potato pancake... everything prettily garnished with sprigs of something leafy... and bright green... that I had never seen before...

Gingerly I took a bite... of the small leaf... off its stem... and instantly fell in love... with the taste... of what I later came to know... was called parsley...

(Ever since... that incredible morning... in that opulent hotel suite... in Madrid Spain... I have always relished nibbling... on these delicious sprigs... of colorful green... and never leave them uneaten on platters... often asking... whomever I happen... to be dining with... whether I could please have them... since it soon becomes obvious to me... that they have no intention of eating them...

Sometimes... even helping myself unabashedly to them... from other uneaten diner's plates...! They are so good for one's health... full of nourishing things... such as chlorophyll... which naturally sweetens one's breath...)

There was also a small basket... in which nestled... wrapped in a serviette... a warm loaf... of homemade bread... rough and heavy in texture... and there was also yellow butter... and a small jar of thick... golden honey... for me to partake of...

And to drink... there was a large pot of steaming... pale brown... hot coffee... already liberally mixed with milk... and sweetened... And of course... the standard bowl... of the most delicious Valencia oranges...

I gorged myself... savoring each... and every morsel... sitting on the ornately carved... fragile-looking... Louis XIV chair... at the small... round... carved table... near the balcony... every inch of my excited body... feeling like a member of royalty... a stately queen...!

And after I had finished dining... on my delectable feast... feeling to take full advantage... of the unexpected windfall of elegance... and unexpected privacy... decided to treat myself... to another bath... in the lovely bathroom... but this one was going to be nice... and long... and luxurious...!

Chapter 10

And Then Brought Down Very Low... In The Same Opulence...!

From long habit... first on board the Klipfontein... then later at the Swiss Dauphin Hotel... I removed the silver bangles... from my wrist... which had been my Christmas present... on board ship... from Papa... laying them down... on the ornate dressing table... as usual...

But just as I did so... an odd feeling... that I should not leave them there... swept over me...!

But still enjoying the heady sensation... of feeling like a queen... I shrugged off the odd queasiness... and chastising myself... laughed... leaving them lying there... on the dressing table... shiny bright... all twelve of them... sitting neatly in a row...

Then... catching a glimpse... of my happy face... in the huge carved mirror... on the wall... above the dressing table... I stood back... admiring myself... regretting... with a sigh... that my gangly... skinny form... was not alluringly draped... in some filmy pink negligee...

Dreaming of yards and yards of diaphanous material... billowing out behind me... like lovely Ginger Rogers wore... so often... in her musicals... with Fred Astaire... to suit the opulence... of the elegant hotel suite... instead of the common... Chinese red... pure silk lounging pajamas... Papa had given me last Christmas... in Japan... even though I knew... that they were very expensive...

Shrugging... I started to glide across the room... headed for the bathroom... loving the sensation... of my bare feet... sinking into the rich texture... of the lush... snow-white carpeting... underneath... telling myself that nothing... but nothing... was going to spoil... the glorious richness... of my very special... “Queen for a Day...”

While I was soaking... in the large... old-fashioned bathtub... with lion's claws... for feet... made of snow-white porcelain... I was happy... as a lark... to be able to submerge... the whole length... of my now five foot eight and a bit body... stretched out all the way... completely... in a long tub... for a change...!

Thoroughly enjoying the delicious feel... of the oily hot... perfumed water... lapping against my skin... from the bath salts... I had lavishly sprinkled... into the bath... I heard sounds of movement... coming from the bedroom... and idly thought... it must be the hotel maid... come to clean... and tidy up... and used her as an excuse... to stay in the bathtub longer...

I was almost dozing off... when I suddenly realized... that I had been in the tub... an awfully long time... and cocking an ear... wondering about the hotel maid... hearing no more sounds... was satisfied that she had gone...

I got out... feeling squeaky clean... from head to toe... my whole body scented... with rich perfume - it was amazing how much black dust... came out of my hair... when I shampooed it - towelled myself off... in a thick terry cloth towel... provided by the first-class hotel... and reemerged... stark naked... sauntering majestically back... into the opulent... plush bedroom suite...

...And the very first thing I noticed... was that my precious silver bangles... my cherished Christmas present... from Papa... were glaringly gone... vanished into thin air...!

Instantly... my euphoric bubble... burst... and I felt sick... to my stomach... and dropping to my knees... searched frantically... for the precious pieces... of the very first jewelry... I had ever owned...

Groping along every inch... of the rich plush... snow-white carpet... my urgent long fingers... dug into the thick pile...

I even peered... under the bed... in the fond hope... that they might somehow... have fallen off the dressing table... and rolled underneath it...

All the time... I feverishly hunted for them... I kept chastising myself... for having been so stupidly careless - I should have realized... that the temptation... to steal something valuable... such as my twelve shiny bangles... made of genuine... pure silver... would have been almost impossible to resist... for a lowly-paid hotel maid...

Trying desperately... to distract myself... from the awful gnawing... in the pit of my stomach... at my heart-breaking loss... I deliberately forced myself... to ponder on the fact... that the poor woman - I had no idea how old she was... for I had never laid eyes on her - probably needed them... far more than I did...

And ultimately giving up... the frantic search... I consoled myself... with the noble... generous thought... that the high price fetched... from selling... genuine silver jewelry... would help the girl... or woman... feed the hungry mouths... of her family... for a while... at least...

So I would not be reporting her... to the hotel manager... for she would surely have been fired... if I did...

And with my heart in my mouth... I hoped against hope... that Papa would not notice... that the jangling bangles... which I always wore... and the sight of which... always pleased him... were missing from my wrist...!

Chapter 11

Another Slow... Excruciatingly Dreary... Train Journey... Across The Terrible... Heartbreaking Devastation... Of What Should Have Been... “La Bella Espagna”...!

My putting somebody else's more than probable needs... before mine... helped stem the recurring spreading... of the awful sick feeling... in the pit of my stomach... every time I was reminded... of the sudden loss... of my precious bangles...

At the same time... it would dawn on me... that I would most certainly be in... for a good tongue-lashing - no doubt about it - especially as soon as Xenia's sharp... beady eyes... past which nothing ever escaped... unnoticed... saw that the bangles... which she knew I loved... and wore constantly... and never took off... except for bathing... and going to bed... for the night... were conspicuously absent... from my left wrist...

Upon sight of which... she would... no doubt... pointing accusingly... at my bare left arm... gleefully pounce on me... with a shrill... irritating...:

"Grad-zella...! Vai arr yu nott vearrink ze beautiful... expienssive silveer benkles... zet yur Papa ent Ai gev yu forr Chriestmass...?"

And while I was thinking these dark thoughts... feeling the awful queasiness... in my stomach... all over again... and becoming gloomier and gloomier... by the minute... Prima suddenly burst through the doorway... panting and out of breath...:

"Hurry up and get dressed...! We've got less than twenty minutes... to get packed... and be downstairs...!"

The note of urgency... in her voice... as I stood before her... stark naked... snapped me out of the doldrums...

And in the concentration... of quickly getting myself dressed and packed... I put aside... for the moment... all thoughts... of my painful loss... very grateful... that Prima did not notice... how close to tears I was... which undoubtedly... would have led to renewed... pain-provoking questions by her...

And when we finally reached downstairs... racing all the way... we were just in time... to get pulled into the roomy taxi... by Remo... Papa and Xenia... being already installed... in the interior of it... Xenia... as usual... impatient and fretting... that we would miss the train...

Then she noticed... that my thick golden tresses... were gloriously loose and flowing... the way in which I longed... to wear my hair... more and more... the older... and taller I grew...

And although... still slightly damp... from my bath... not having had enough time to braid it... she ordered me abruptly... to turn my back to her... and plaited my thick tresses... into the hated pigtails... which always reminded me... of my longing... for the day to come... when I would no longer have to hide my glorious... crowning golden glory...

And as she tenderly braided my "choost laik engels golt" hair... in the darkness of the taxi... as it speeded... towards the train station... I was very glad... that she had not noticed... that the shiny bangles... were missing from my wrist...!

And very surprised... when she produced two narrow strands... of bright red ribbon... from somewhere... and tied bows... onto the ends of my pigtails... over the usual rubber bands... saying...:

“Grad-zella... Ai no hau mach yu vant to veer yur hair laik Prima... so I tot ze pritty ribbons... wud mek yu heppy...!”

And I just sat there... stunned... my throat all choked up... and very moved... by this odd step-mother of mine... who... normally consumed by insecure jealousy... could be so kind... hardly able to thank her... for her rare thoughtfulness...

But as things turned out... we were more than early... for one hitch after another... delayed the departure of the train... with much shouting... cursing... and shaking of fists... at each other... by the engineers... porters... and irate... red-faced passengers... who futilely huffed and puffed... their indignant frustrations...

As we were to learn... the Spaniards are notoriously known... for their utter disinterest... in beating the clock... hence their penchant... for causing infuriating feelings... in the breasts of non-Latin types... for their tardiness... and procrastination...

Any time something... needs to be done... the usual response is..: "Si si... manana...!"... always preferring to delay... to the next day... anything that needs to be done today...!

And no amount of cajoling... or offers of extra money... will be an incentive for them... to work any faster... the innately stubborn streak... in their character... insists on taking things easy... carrying out their chores... at a leisurely pace... Perhaps that is why so few Spaniards... have heart attacks...?

Thus... instead of the train leaving Madrid... at eleven that morning... it finally... slowly steamed out of the station... at a little before three... so that for close to four hours... we were forced to sit... confined to our carriage... with every ten minutes or so... falsely being informed... that we were about to move off...!

Compelled to sit on the train... with other people... packed in... shoulder to shoulder... like sardines - without the privacy... of our own compartment... this time... suffering the stifling stench... of sweat-drenched... unwashed bodies...!

And the airless heat... of over 95 degrees... two quite dreadful combinations... that were almost unbearable... to endure... made me almost lose consciousness... at times...!

And still not a single word... was said... about my missing bangles... neither by my parents... or siblings... who were too absorbed... and caught up... in their own frustrated feelings of distress...

But strangely... the sight of my perky bright red ribbons... resting on both sides... of my now slightly growing breasts... did serve to cheer me up... from time to time... making my discomfort... a little more bearable...!

When we finally... actually did feel the jolting motion... of the wheels... under our feet... signalling... that we were indeed about to move... we all held our breaths... praying that this time... it would not be a false alarm...

But there was the unmistakable sound of a chug... then another... and the wheels... groaning and squeaking... underneath our hot feet... lurched... and gradually inched forward... slowly at first... then a little faster... out of the sweltering... cavern-like darkness... of the train station... into the blinding light of day... into mid-afternoon...!

But if we had hoped... for some relief... there was none... In fact... it was worse... for now we had the blinding sunlight... streaming in through the unshaded windows... on both sides of the carriage... to contend with...!

And then... in no time at all... it seemed... the civilized... beautiful city of Madrid... being left behind us... we were once again... gazing out upon devastating scenes... of ruins and rubble...

And the further we travelled... upwards... towards the French border... so were we once more subjected... to the most unpleasant experience... of being forced to inhale... the infernal... sooty black dust which... like before... gradually seeped in... through the cracks... of the windowpanes... the fine particles of grain... insinuating into our clothing... and onto our skin... stopping up our noses... and clogging our throats... the thickness of it... most chokingly unpleasant...

And throughout the whole carriage... one could hear people... choking... and coughing... desperately trying not to deeply breathe in... the only air available...: dust and stench-filled pollution...!

It was a living nightmare... and another test of endurance... all over again... and as on the last Portuguese train... this Spanish train... also inched along... refusing to go any faster...!

Mile after slow... tortuous mile... upwards... stopping for long periods of time... at every little village... or platform... and sometimes no platform... the snail train simply stopping... to pick up bedraggled-looking passengers... standing at the side of the railway tracks... along the way...!

And as before... the same pathetic... heartbreaking scene... repeated itself...:

Skinny... "rags-and-bones" boys... would converge on the train... like a pack of hungry wolves... half-starved... their huge... haunted eyes... staring out of hollow-cheeked sockets... having seen much too much... of the terrible effects... of human deprivation... for children so young - many of them barely nine and ten year olds...

And... despite my own hellish discomfort... my heart would go out to them... and their plight... and I would fervently wish... once again... that I had the money... to buy up all their beautiful... life-like wood carvings... and all their blood-red Valencia oranges...

But unlike the previous train trip... through Portugal... this time... the desperate people... that boarded the train... came on it... with their pungently smelly livestock... consisting primarily... of bleating goats... and clucking... live chickens... in straw baskets...!

And now... the added stench... and noise... of animals... to the already overpowering odors... of unwashed body sweat... was nigh intolerable... to say the least...

Papa and Remo took turns... half-heartedly taking trips... to the one tiny washroom... way at the other end... of the carriage... armed with little strips of cloth handkerchiefs... from us all... hoping that the endless queue... in front of it... would have shortened considerably... but it seemed to be getting longer and longer... each time they went to investigate...!

Then mercifully... at about six o'clock... in the evening... while we tried to doze off... leaning on each other's shoulders... the blazing hot sun... finally set... abruptly disappearing... behind a low hill... in the distance... and dusk crept over us... for a very brief while... then plunged us... into total darkness...!

Then after about twenty minutes or so... the interior of our car... was lit up... with a feeble... yellowish light... and our dejected spirits... perked up a bit... until we realized... that the light was much too dim... to read... or play cards by...

We had long ago... already consumed... the two flasks... of iced water... that Xenia had prudently procured... from the hotel kitchen... back in Madrid... and there were still hours to go... before we reached the French border...

Now that it was pitch black outside... it seemed as if the train stopped... more frequently... and for even longer periods of time...!

And every time it stopped... creeping cold air... would permeate our carriage... until we were all wearing extra sweaters... and with our fellow passengers... sitting huddled... even closer together...

Practically sitting... in each other's laps... our lips chattering... and involuntary shivers... attacking our chilled bodies... right down to the marrow... we all even put on our winter overcoats... until we all looked like fat... stuffed penguins... especially Xenia... in her rich... Russian sable fur coat...

Then... when we all felt... that we could not stand another second... of our miserable suffering... at about ten o'clock... a carriage attendant... swept through our carriage... stopping every now and again... to deposit lunch boxes... followed by his assistant... bearing steaming mugs of beverages... who cheerfully offered us... a choice of tea... or coffee...

Never in my life... had anything been so welcome... as the meager contents... of the lunch boxes...

And as I devoured... my thinly filled sandwiches... one of sardines... and the other of egg... and gulped down the already sweetened hot tea... and sucked... on a customary... succulent... blood-red Valencia orange... I Sent Up a grateful prayer... to my Heavenly Father... thanking Him... For His Oh So Timely Deliverance...

And with my tummy now... somewhat fullish and warm... I snuggled down... next to Prima... leaning on her shoulder... sighing contentedly... doing my best... to shut out the fetid odors... still pervading the atmosphere... so nastily...

Thanking God... that at least... the animals were now sleeping... their constant... noisy bleating... and clucking... finally stopped...

And found myself feeling drowsy... soon drifting off to pleasant dreams... in the now utterly quiet... over-crowded train carriage...

Chapter 12

A Most Unpleasant Confrontation... With An Arrogant... Spanish Officer... Resulting In Our Being Bodily... Thrown Off The Train... Because Of Me...!

It seemed but a moment later... when I was abruptly woken up... by the train... coming to a jolting... sudden halt... and rubbing my eyes... tried to peer... outside the window... to see whether we had already crossed the French border...

But all I could see... was nothing but total... pitch black darkness... even when I raised my eyes heavenward... and my heart sank a little... to see that there were neither moon... nor stars... shining above my head... that night...!

Then an eerie feeling... of having sunk into some huge... black... bottomless pit... suddenly engulfed me... and I shivered involuntarily... with a stab of fear... coursing throughout my whole body... from head to toe...!

And I "knew"... with utter certainty... that something of great consequence... and unexpectedly ominous... was about to befall us...!

And sure enough... as I leaned back... in my seat... focusing my attention... on the more friendly... lit up interior... of the train... the rumor filtered down to us... in excited whispers... that we were actually stopped... at the Spanish/French border...!

And after an interminable time... of sitting silently stationary... amongst people... of highly charged Latin temperament... hard put to hold in their breath... their eyes sparkling... in excited... anticipation... of the drama... about to unfold before them - giving us the clear impression... that we were lodged... in the middle of a volcano... about to erupt in full force... any second... - the rumor spread... like wildfire... that there were uniformed officials... boarding our train... !

Immediately the rumor... reached our carriage... the excited whispers... burst into a cacophony of noise... people vehemently gesticulating... voicing their speculations... and opinions... some sitting wringing their hands... in supplication to their Madre de Dios... feverishly mumbling their prayers...

And amidst all this noise... and tumult... an extremely handsome and tall... olive-skinned... rakishly mustachioed Spaniard... resplendent in a uniform... glittering with medals... and with braided epaulettes... at his shoulders... boots polished to a high gloss... suddenly made an imposing appearance... at the other end... of our doorway...

And casting a swift appraising glance... over the passengers... his dark eyes flashing... proceeded to strut arrogantly... towards us... stopping to check each passenger... hardly taking more... than a brief moment... to examine the papers... of his own people... but taking much longer... his manner downright hostile... and greatly suspicious... when looking over official documents... of white-skinned foreigners...!

Thus he finally arrived... at our end... and officiously began barking out orders to Papa... to produce all Passports... and Visas... of his family... "pronto"...!

And Papa duly complied... speaking pleasantly... to the official... in fluent Spanish... in the hope of softening... his obvious stiff air of hostility...

But all Papa's efforts at camaraderie... resulted in a curt uplifting... of the arrogant official’s hand... silencing him... with a piercing... disdainful look...

And my hackles of outrage rising... I had to fight... the overwhelming urge... to jump up... and slap the pompous ass's face... mightily... for being so blatantly rude... to my very brave father... who had never once... shown his fear... to his family... during the whole dangerous... perilous journey... from Japan... to Europe...

And as if reading... my baleful thoughts... his eyes suddenly flicked over towards me... then ran insolently... down my body... like black blades... of ice-cold steel... making me suddenly feel unpleasantly vulnerable... and exposed... despite all my heavy covering... and I shuddered... my face flushing red... with embarrassment...

The suspicious idiot... lingered an extremely long time... over our papers... minutely and painstakingly... examining each Passport...

Then glancing through the last Passport... which happened to be mine... a frown crept over his features...

And looking scornfully down at Papa... his perfect white teeth flashing... through his thin... Clark Gable moustache... in an insolent grin... his finger jabbing... in my direction... he shouted out something... that sounded like...:

“Vuestros esposa...!”

And I saw Papa... get red in the face... with a stunned expression... shocked... his mouth dropping open...!

Then he shook his head vehemently... trying to explain something... to the arrogant official... saying something like...:

“No no... Senor officiale... esta es mi esposa...!”...

And taking Xenia's arm... he shook it... to prove a point...

But the official only snorted... disdainfully dumping our Passports unceremoniously... back onto Papa's lap...!

Then he just stood there... his hands on his hips... teetering back and forth... on his heels... his piercing black gaze... raking each and every one of us... for the longest time... but lingering on me... the longest...!

Then I made the biggest mistake... of my life... by jumping to my feet... prepared to do battle... with this arrogant... strutting... pompous nincompoop...

Because... when he saw how tall I was... standing practically nose to nose with him... a huge look of understanding... flashed into his eyes... and shaking his head... pointing at Xenia... who was now sitting cowering... against her beloved husband... he insisted...:

“Ella es vuestros hermana... la duenna por vuestros familia... no es vuestros esposa... si si...!”...

And while rapidly saying some more words... in Spanish... nodding his head up and down... for emphasis... at the same time... he roughly pushed me back down... on my seat... with one huge hand... on my chest...

And as his jet black gaze... bored into mine... filled with an expression of utter contempt... I stared right back up at him... defiantly... my fierce blue glare... never wavering from his...

Even though he was physically stronger... this pompous ass... was not ... going to get the better of me... no siree...!

Then Xenia... still tightly clutching... her enormous straw hamper... on her lap... started to whimper... and looking up at her husband... tearfully asked... in a quavering voice...:

"Teo... vat iss itt... vat iss ronk... vat iss heppenink...?"

And I could hardly believe my ears... when Papa abruptly answered her... in a fierce whisper... at the same time... flicking a look of sheer annoyance... over at me...:

"The jackass... simply refuses to believe... that Graziella is my daughter...!

And for some strange reason... he is convinced... that she is my wife...!!!

And that you are my sister... and caretaker... of my family...!

He keeps on insisting... that he knows it to be true...!"

...glaring at me now... with unconcealed anger... as if his embarrassing predicament... was all my fault...!

And as the import... of his words... washed over me... and sunk in... all I could do... was just sit there... utterly flabbergasted... listening to Papa fiercely whisper... the mind-boggling explanation... to his beloved wife... Xenia...!

Then the arrogant official... startled us... by abruptly barking out an order to Papa... and grabbing him... by the arm... swept up all the Passports... off his lap... putting them into his pocket... and hauled him... to his feet...!

And before I knew it... we were all being roughly manhandled... and being shoved... through the doorway... and then thrown off the train... one by one...!

Xenia was still hanging on... for dear life... to her precious food hamper... and vanity case... Prima was clutching her vanity case... and the rest of our luggage... after a few moments... was thrown out after us...!

Chapter 13

A Freezing Night... Of Frightening Uncertainty... Trudging Through The Pitch Black Night... Of God Forsaken Spain...!

As the five of us... stood huddled there... in the icy cold... pitch black of night... dimly lit by the train... without any idea... where we were... our luggage scattered around... at our feet... none of us daring to think... how we would be able to manage... to get to Zurich... without our precious life-line Passports... we reeled in collective bewilderment... at having had our fate... so cruelly changed... in the blink of an instant... and so abruptly...!

And then something sharp... hit my face... stinging it painfully... and instantly reacting... reaching up... my fingers curled around... what felt like a small booklet... before it hit the ground... And at the same time... something hit my shoes... And bending down... I felt around... realizing that another small booklet... had been thrown at me...!

Wondering... “What on earth...?”... it suddenly dawned on me... that the small booklets... being thrown off the train... must be our precious... life-line Passports...!

And excitedly telling my family... about them... everybody else bent down... feverishly groping around for them... on the ground... and despite the pitch black... all around us... Miraculously... all four vitally important Passports... were retrieved...

Now that our precious belongings of luggage... and Passports... were restored to us... we were a little more relieved... but then watched helplessly... as the dimly lit train... disappeared into the distance... plunging us all back... into total pitch black darkness...!

Sensing my family... standing so forlornly... at my side... I felt a stab of overwhelming guilt... that I had been the cause... of us being thrown off the train...!

And as the enormity... of my innocent culpability sank in... I simply wanted to curl up and die... then and there... for having inadvertently been the instrument... of causing them... their present dire predicament... and feelings of confusion...

I was just about to suggest to Papa... dramatically... that he have no more to do with me... but to disown me... abandon me... when I was surprised... to hear him chortling... his voice sounding eerie... in the pitch black...:

"Well... it won't do us any good... to just stand here... and freeze to death... so let us make the best... of our unfortunate situation... and try to find out where we are...

Remo... take off your belt... and loop it through as many suitcases... as you can... and carry them hanging... from your neck... and I’ll do the same... Xenia will be holding onto her precious food hamper... and her vanity case... and Prima her vanity case...”

In the pitch dark... I could hear the sound of Papa and Remo... removing their belts... and dealing with all the suitcases...

Then... in the eerie pitch black... I heard Papa’s voice... once again... saying...:

“Now that that’s been done... let us all link our arms together... with Papa and Remo... on the outside... to keep our ladies safe... on the inside...

And so that we don’t lose track... of each other... in this devilish dark... let us start walking... in the direction the train went... otherwise we will surely all freeze to death...!"

Now that the dimly lit train was gone... we could not see anything at all... neither each other... nor even our hands... in front of our faces...! So that Papa's voice... was eerily disembodied... freezing cold... inky darkness...

Then I heard Remo's angry voice... tinged with fear... as he roughly groped for my arm... and linked it through his... hissing...:

"It's all your fault... Crazy-Ella...! ... that we're in this hopeless mess... I hope you're satisfied...!"

He was using a mean... teasing... hurtful epithet... I had not heard... from him... not since when we lived on the Bluff... in Yokohama...!

To which Papa sharply rebuked him... saying...:

"Come on... Remo... you know better than that... It's not Graziella's fault... that she’s much taller... than she should be... for her age... her height making her look... so much more grown up...

Besides... there is the obvious fact... that she does not resemble... any one of us... with her blonde hair... snow white skin... and blue eyes...

So it was quite natural... for that idiot Spanish official... to be suspicious... in these uncertain times... of war...”

Then... his voice softening...:

Now surely you're not afraid... of a little setback... are you...? Trust your Papa... has he ever let you down...? No... and he never will...!"

To which Remo... feeling quite ashamed... of his outburst... sheepishly squeezed my arm... murmuring affectionately...:

"Sorry kiddo... I didn't mean what I just said... friends again...?"

And my heart singing... I squeezed his arm right back... implying yes... and almost skipping... jauntily and proudly... walked at his side... my infernal pigtails... with their new bright red ribbons... now tucked inside my new New York... Shirley Temple... lovely winter overcoat... with Prima on my other arm... holding her vanity case tightly... in front of her... and clinging to me so hard... that I lost all feeling in it...

And I realized... with my heart... full of sympathy for her... that she was still petrified... of the dark... as a result of the many times... when Papa had locked her up... in a dark closet... for hours on end... when she was little... in an effort to control her wild... wayward... gypsy ways...

Groping our way forward... we sensed... that we had been thrown off... at some siding or other... and felt under our feet... that we were walking on a narrow... wooden platform... which soon sloped downward... a few feet further on... depositing us on rocky ground...

Still linked to each other... arm in arm... we made our way gingerly forward... and although my eyes grew accustomed... to the dark... I was still unable... to see a thing... in front of my face... but I could hear the slight thumping noise... the suitcases made... slung from Papa’s and Remo’s necks...

Then Papa suggested... that we march briskly... to keep our bodies... from getting too chilled... and we suddenly heard him singing out... the old familiar marching refrain... in his beautifully melodic... lyrical tenor voice... making me wish... he had his guitar with him...:

"Left... left... left my wife with forty-five chil-dren... Right... right... right in the mid-dle of the kitchen ta-ble...!"

And as we marched in tempo... switching our legs... to Papa's called out... emphasized "Left"... and "Right"... our voices blending with his... in perfect harmony... especially mine... for we had sung many duets together... over the years... following his lead... fond memories... flooded through my mind...

Recalling the carefree days... when Papa... Xenia and I... went hiking together... exploring the beautiful countryside... and majestic mountains of Japan...

And how often... Papa and I would briskly march along together... loudly belting out the stupid... inane words... in unison... with poor Xenia... panting... her cheeks huffing and puffing... her mincing little steps... desperately trying to keep up... with our long strides...

And just as she did then... so did she spoil our fun... shortly after... by panting... huffing and puffing... begging Papa to slow down... So he reluctantly slowed us down to a normal walk again...

And as we trudged along... at a slow pace... for some peculiar reason... I was suddenly remembering... the terrifying time... when I was about seven... when Papa tested my courage... over the enormous... thundering... maddened bull... while hiking along together... through the beautiful mountains... above Nara...

Vividly recalling... walking... along a narrow dirt road... both sides of which sloped sharply upward... for about three feet... into dense shrubbery... when all of a sudden... from out of nowhere... a great big black... maddened bull... with huge... jutting sharp horns... came thundering down the narrow road towards us...!

I happened to be happily walking/skipping along... in front of Papa and Xenia... at the time... because the road was too narrow... for the three of us to be walking... side by side...

And at the sight... of the huge beast... my heart stopped with fright... and I was rooted to the spot... as it came galloping... dangerously closer and closer... snorting... with its nostrils flaring... and its huge hooves... shaking the ground... under my feet...!

As I stood there... as if turned to stone... petrified... I was startled to hear Papa... laughingly call out my name... which was so rare for him... from behind me... saying in a taunting voice...:

“Well Graziella... what are you going to do now...!? Let us see... how smart a daughter of mine is...!"

And his challenging... mocking voice... as I slowly turned around... to face him... made me vaguely realize... with a shock... that he was addressing me... by my given Christened name... which he hardly ever did...!

And I was further shocked... to see him... easily scooping his precious beloved... under one powerful arm... and agilely leaping up the steep embankment... on the side of the road... with her... to safety... leaving seven year old me... standing there... all alone... to face the terrifying beast...!

But then... before I knew it... I found myself... at the top of a telephone pole... both my long monkey arms... tightly wrapped around it... hanging on for dear life...! And had absolutely no idea... how I had gotten up there...!!!

And from that safe height... looking down... I saw the snorting black reddish bull... lumbering by... beneath me... its shiny flank... hitting the pole... shaking it... and the ground... like an earthquake...!

And when Papa... wondering what had happened to me... looked around... and spotted me... way up high... wrapped around the telephone pole... like a monkey... he roared with laughter... saying...:

“You used your brains... after all... and your Papa... is very proud of you...!”

And I was so deliriously happy... to be basking... in his verbal approval... for the first time in my life... that for the life of me... I couldn’t tell him the truth... that I had no idea... how I had landed... way up on top of the telephone pole...!

Secretly thinking to myself... that it must have been my Guardian Angel Friend... Who Had Already Rescued me... A Number Of Times... Who Had Picked Me Up... And Willy Nilly... Whisked Me Up There...!

That was the one... and only time... I was directly praised... by my pater... whose approval... and respect... were a constant striving effort... for me to attain... and it finally took this dangerous incident... with the raging bull... to get one...!

He would praise me to others... I came to learn... as the years went by... but except for that one time... he never did... to my face...

On the contrary... he was forever telling me... to try harder... shouting with exasperation...:

“For Heaven’s Sake... use your brains... dumb cluck...!”

Always impatiently frustrated... that I didn’t have any...!

Now... somewhere in God-forsaken Spain... where it seemed... as if we were walking... for hours and hours on end... trudging along... our heads bowed down wearily... and my freezing legs... beginning to tire... aching painfully... I suddenly wondered... what would have happened... if I had remained... rooted to the spot... as the raging bull... thundered towards helpless me... on that fateful afternoon...!

And now that I was older... I dared to think the unthinkable... that Papa had actually... not cared a damn... that the huge bull... could have easily trampled me to death... in its headlong rampage...!

And just as I wondered... these dark thoughts... Remo suddenly let out a yelp... shouting excitedly...:

"Look... there's a light... straight on ahead...! It seems to be coming out of the ground... maybe it's a campfire...!

Why don't I just go on ahead and investigate it... scout around... since I'm able to walk much faster... on my own...?"

Papa gave his go ahead... and being able to see clearly in the dark... with his green cat's eyes... Remo left our side... walking ahead briskly... with the suitcases... still slung around his neck...

Papa... blessed with green eyes... as well... also had very good night sight... and watched Remo's progress... with interest for a while...

Then he let out a startled exclamation... stopping us all dead in our tracks...:

"Well my goodness... I just saw Remo... suddenly disappear... straight into the ground...!"

And as we stood there... fidgeting nervously... in a quandary... wondering what to do next... whether to go on ahead... in search of Remo... or to stay put... he suddenly reemerged... minus his load of suitcases... and flanked by what looked like... from the reddish light behind them... two robed and hooded figures... all dressed in black...!

They approached us... for a little distance... then stopped... beckoning for us to come forward... and join them...

And as we still stood... rooted to the spot... feeling uncertain - my heart was pounding alarmingly... with fearful dread - Remo broke away from them... and ran back towards us... shouting...:

"It's all right... we're among friends... Come on...!"

And leading the way... he told us excitedly... how he had come upon a huge hole in the ground... out of which a light was faintly shining... and how... when he went down it... to investigate... he had suddenly found himself... in a vast cavern-like... underground chamber...!

By this time... we had reached the hooded figures... and to our amazement... saw that they were none other than Catholic nuns...!

And when they graciously extended their hospitality to us... inviting us... with gentle smiles... to join them... we were all delighted... and very much relieved...

End Of Part XII - Thirteen Chapters

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