CHAPTER ONE

THE GHASTLIEST THIRTEEN HOURS… THIS YOUNG SENSITIVE SOUL… HAS EVER EXPERIENCED… IN HER LIFE…!

And just then… my body was suddenly roughly seized… by pairs of unseen hands...! Then… as my heart lurched in sudden terror... I was swiftly being pushed along… up a narrow… wobbly gangplank… as if I weighed no more than a bag of feathers..! And then I was suddenly being hurtled... plunged head first... and pitched down… into what seemed like the very bowels of the earth..!

My body landed with a jarring thud… right on top of a canvas sack… and having the sense… that there was a vast space… around me… in my new unfamiliar surroundings… was utterly terrifying... And my heart filled with dread... acutely aware of how nerve-wrackingly pitch black… dank… and foul-smelling… the atmosphere all around me was...

Everything had happened so fast - one minute I was standing on the dock… with my sister… and the next minute… I was being indiscriminately manhandled… raised dizzyingly up... up... up… then plunged down... down... down...!

And now I had this dreadful… overwhelming sensation… that I was all alone… abandoned in some desolate… awful pit... doomed to stay there… for all eternity…!

Feeling utterly alone and abandoned… I wondered whether I had been deserted by my family… for I could not recall seeing any member of them… nor hearing any of their voices… ever since being roughly shoved on board the crude… odious vessel... which was now stinking… of a mixture of oil and fish…

Getting shakily to my wobbly knees… and slithering down the sack… I leaned against it… in the inky darkness… trembling with fear... much too frightened… to stand up… to even take a single step forward... and suddenly unable to move... I got all panicky... my imagination running riot..:

"Maybe they've sold you... have no more use for you... Remember all the times Papa called you stupid and brainless… and “dumb cluck…” … come to think of it… always in front of Xenia… claiming that he had never asked for you to be born… and that the only purpose… for your existence… was to make yourself useful to others…?

Maybe you're being shipped off to some wealthy mandarin in Shanghai… after all... or sold into slavery... for you with your alabaster white skin… blonde hair… and blue eyes… would be a rare valued commodity… in the Far East... you definitely fit the bill...

Remember the time you were kidnapped… and barely escaped with your life… when you were barely seven years old…? It was on the night… of that shocking morning… when you accidentally discovered… that Xenia's good looks were artificial… very cleverly and artistically contrived... into a false “mask of beauty” … followed by that shocking… naked… lewd daik-san… and that Incredible Miraculous Experience…?

CHAPTER TWO

TWO OF THE MOST SHOCKING… AND ONE OF THE MOST INCREDIBLY MIRACULOUS EXPERIENCES… OF MY SEVEN YEAR OLD LIFE… ALL ON THE VERY SAME DAY…!

At the time… I happened to be visiting Papa and Xenia… over the school holidays… in their new love nest… for the very first time… since they had gotten married… And in the excitement… of the novelty of the experience… of finding myself all alone in the house… with my now brand new step-mother… Xenia… who used to be Auntie Xenia… I believed that this morning… was a perfect opportunity… to establish a closer relationship with her… undisturbed…

Also in view of the fact… that her precious husband… Theo… had just left the house… a little while ago… to go to his office… and for the very first time… had not woken me up… at the crack of dawn… to join him in his upstairs attic gym… for gruelling exercises… then climbing up and down the yama… behind his house… before breakfast…

It had been his determination… to make a world class athletic champion… out of me… a rigorous training program… that he had instituted for me… when I was barely three years old… even having a set of special… miniature dumbbells made… specifically for me…!

And feeling suddenly liberated… on impulse… I had happily skipped into their bedroom… barefoot… without knocking - something I had never… ever done before… entering somebody's private quarters… without first politely knocking on their door… waiting to be invited in...

And as I gaily flung their bedroom door open… with a huge grin of greeting… on my face… I was suddenly brought up short… in the doorway… the smile instantly frozen on my lips… shocked and startled… to see quite the most hideous apparition… I had ever seen in my life… much worse even… than some of the ugly white… ghost-like masks… of the traditional "Kabuki" characters… I had been accustomed to seeing on stage… in Japanese Kabuki theaters...

For what my astonished eyes now beheld… reflected in the huge dressing table mirror… across the spacious master bedroom… was the grotesque-looking face… of what appeared to be some gargoyle..!

Puzzled and mesmerized… all I could do was just stand there… rooted to the spot… staring at this repugnant visage… for the longest moment - it seemed like an eternity - before it finally dawned on me… that the ugly face I was looking at… was actually none other than that of my Russian step-mother's… Xenia..!

She had gasped in shock… at first… when she suddenly saw me standing reflected behind her… in the mirror… and it was as if time had frozen still… as two pairs of eyes… one pair blue… round with shock… and another pair… a dirty grey-blue… round with a mixture of surprise… and dismay… stared at each other for the longest time… their gazes riveted upon each other's faces...

Then Xenia's body gave an involuntary shudder… and shrugging her shoulders… pulling her beautiful silk peignor closed… sighing resignedly… she beckoned for me to come closer to her...

My first reaction… had been to turn tail… and bolt out of the room… get away from the repulsive sight of my stepmother's barely recognizable features... But noticing her naked look of vulnerability… I suddenly felt sorry for her… and doing her bidding… shyly sidled up to her...

When I was standing by her side… she grasped me by my arm… then looking earnestly into my eyes… turned my body towards her dressing table mirror… and told me to take a real good look… at her naked face...

Peering at her in her mirror… examining her visage more closely… I reeled back… horrified... Xenia was only in her early thirties… but her face looked drawn… and haggard… much of her skin… wrinkled and lined… and on top of it all… there were many bald spots on her head… and what there was of her hair… now damp from the bath she had just taken… was sparsely wispy… and limp...!

Taking in my look of sheer horror… Xenia… realizing the importance… of gaining her step-daughter's acceptance… gently sat me down… next to her on her vanity chair…

And as I breathed in the exquisite scent… of her expensive bath salts… she patiently began explaining to me… that the wrinkles… and lines… on her face… were the ravages… of what a harsh life… had done to her… living in Harbin… where her father had fled to… with her… after the collapse of the Romanov empire… and later on… moving to Shanghai… barely able to eke out a living there…

She dramatically embellished… on how hard it had been for her… growing up… even way back… when she lived in her homeland… Mother Russia… with her stern military father… General Bogoluboff… who had been in devoted service… to Tsar Nicholas… in the White Russian Army… and who had never forgiven her… for not being a boy… the son he had wanted so desperately… to follow in his footsteps… instead of siring yet another daughter...

Desperate to awaken feelings of sympathy in me… she confided further… astonishing me all over again… that my Papa Rau… had never seen her face… without any "make-up" on… without her elaborate "mask of beauty" … in place… and that he never would… because he had fallen in love… with the illusion… she had created for him...! Adding passionately… that she would rather die… than have her beloved Theo see her… as she really looked..!

Turning towards me… on her vanity seat… her head and face resembling a repellant death's-head… she gripped me by my arms… and looking deep into my eyes… the intensity of her expression… seeming to burn holes… into my head… making me suddenly fearful… she said in an intriguing… heavily accentuated Russian accent… but annoyingly mispronouncing my name…:

"I vaant yu to no… Grad-zella... zat yu arr de only perrson in de verld… who hes sin my neked fess… in its fright-evokink riellity… vidout my "massk off beautty" on..!"

And with tears in her eyes…:

"Ent I vaant yu to promiss mie… nevair to tell enyboty… abautt vaat yu hev jest sin... Pliss… I begg off yu... let it bie our very oon siecrett... jest bitvin de too off us... yess?"

It was the very first time in my life… that a grown-up was asking me… no… begging me… to keep a secret… and the enormity of her plea… filled my seven year old being… with heretofore unfamiliar sensations...

Suddenly… I no longer felt like a little girl of seven… but somehow instantly transformed… into an adult..! And sensing the serious responsibility… of what my step-mother was asking of me… that I never divulge the truth… about her false looks… to another living soul... ever... made me feel very grown-up… indeed…

Gazing back into Xenia's troubled grey-blue eyes… as earnestly as I could… I sincerely vowed… with all my heart… to keep her secret… adding silently to myself…

"As God Is my Witness…"

For I was much too shy… to share with anybody else… out loud… the especially unique… private relationship… I had always enjoyed… with my Heavenly Father… ever since I could remember…

And at the same time… fervently reminding myself… never… ever… to use the advantage… of knowing her terrible secret… to demand any special favors from her...

"But on one condition..."… I suddenly found myself saying… dismayed to see how alarmed she became… then quickly reassuring her… my words coming out in a rush…:

"Don't worry… Xenia... all I want… is to be allowed to watch the steps you take… to make up your "mask of beauty"... whenever I want to..."

"Off cuorrse yu cen votch mie... venevair yu vish..." … she agreed… smiling with relief... - although her smile looked more like a stretched rictus… of a skeleton's skull… making me want to shudder with revulsion… all over again... But I could see that she was very relaxed now… all the tension of a moment ago… gone from her gargoyle features...

Xenia then turned back to her big dressing table mirror… which had enormous bulbs… framing it all around… which glaringly… and mercilessly lit up every line… every wrinkle… on her skin…

And thus began my education… in cleverly applying "make-up" … a word I was hearing… for the very first time... And as she dabbed... and pressed... and patted... and stroked her face gently... she gave a running commentary… imparting her jealously kept secrets… of how she had learned to use the magic of make-up… very skillfully - one kind for the daytime… and another kind… for the evening...

"Remember how… for the next two hours… you had watched… fascinated… while Xenia slowly and carefully… transformed her unattractive… prematurely old face… and straggly… wispy hair… into something unbelievably lovely… by contrast… most effectively… using a cornucopia of lotions… creams… powders… tubes… sticks… and false hair pieces…?

And remember when it was finally over… her face once more transformed… into a lovely look… that was familiar to you… her face closely resembling that of the famous film star… Myrna Loy… but with her hair coiffed exactly… like that of the other famous movie star… Kay Francis… with her trademark center parting… and you stood up… suddenly drawn to the bright sunshine… streaming through the glass windowpane… into the bedroom window…?

And how… happening to glance down outside… you were startled to see that "daiku-san" (Japanese term for construction laborer) … standing just outside the garden gate… easily recognizable… because of the typical clothing he was wearing…: a hip length… loose jacket… made of heavy dark blue cotton… called a "happi" coat..?

And how… to your horror… when he noticed you looking down at him… he had stepped back… showing that he was stark naked… from the waist down…!?

And how insolently he stood… with his hands on his hips… grinning up at you... leering suggestively... vulgarly thrusting his hips out at you... beckoning you to come down and join him…?!

Remember how frightened you had first become… the "daiku-san" reminding you of your narrow escape… from being kidnapped by one… when you were barely four years old… and how you had then seethed with righteous indignation… disgusted… and enraged… that he had dared to insult you so lewdly… you a proper little lady… through and through… and not only a lady… but a special daughter of God… and how all you had wanted to do… was to rush downstairs… and knock him down…?"

Even though it was true… that I had actually only experienced… living on this planet… for a little over seven years… too many painful shocks… had already filled my short life… and now today… it just so happened… that the enormity of the shocking events… of that morning… one after another… was just simply too much… for my young… tender… sensitive self… to bear... And now… seeing the … brash young daiku-san… was the proverbial straw… that broke my camel's back…

Because just yesterday… at four a.m. sharp… as was Papa's usual custom… ever since I was three years old… he had abruptly yanked me out of bed… waking me from a deep sleep… and forcing me… barely awake… to get dressed in my sports outfit… and join him in his makeshift gymnasium… up in the attic… and vigorously work out with him… for an hour… in all kinds of strenuous physical exercises… including hefting the bigger… heavier dumbbells… a second set… he had had specially made for me... the first designer small set… used when I was three…

If I had harbored any secret hopes… that things would be different… after my parents' recent divorce… when it was arranged between them… that I spend some school holiday time with Papa… and his new bride… Xenia… in their new house… I was very much mistaken…

For except for this morning… nothing had changed… as far as his rigorous discipline for me… was concerned - Papa was still adhering strictly… to his gymnastic regimen for me… still insisting… on all-round physical fitness…

In fact… yesterday morning… immediately following the usual hour of push-ups… sit-ups… bending… stretching and skipping rope… workout session… and climbing up and down… over and over… the rough hemp rope… he had installed… hanging down from a crossbeam… across the ceiling... his rules had not changed… by one iota…

For there was still no respite to speak of… whatsoever… afterwards - not so much as a glass of water… or anything to eat… and he had stunned me down to my aching toes… by abruptly announcing… that now that I was seven years old… we would be exercising a half hour extra… every morning… and that from now on… with each birthday… another half hour of exercise… would be added… whenever I visited him and Xenia…!

All my pleas of exhaustion… had fallen on deaf ears… and when I had complained… that my thighs were becoming chafed and sore… he scolded me for being such a cry baby… saying that I needed to toughen up… telling me that I would be very grateful to him one day… when I became a famous world class athletic champion… and how I would thank him… for having been so strictly regimental… in training me… to grow up to become a healthy… physically strong girl...

As soon as the extra half hour was up… ignoring my feeble groans of protest… he had heartily announced that… as usual… we would be taking our early-morning-before-breakfast-walk… hiking briskly together… up the yama (mountain)… that rose up behind his house...!

And as tired as I was… despite the trembling of my knees... despite my legs… threatening to give way… any second... I knew I had no other option… but to obey him… And in desperation... I had done the only thing I could... I had turned to my Heavenly Father… for His Comfort… and His Help...

I desperately wanted to find favor… in my adored Papa's eyes… and hated to see that familiar look of disappointment in them...

So heaving a great sigh of determination… firmly believing… that God Would Not Let me down… I stoutheartedly resigned myself… to trudge up the yama… with my loved/feared Papa… which on this particular morning… seemed to loom up… ever so much larger… and higher… than ever before…!

Somehow… convinced that It Could Only Be By The Grace Of God Alone… I had always managed to keep up with my father… my throat always painfully parched... my stretched lungs… threatening to burst… any second... and that memorable morning… had been no different...

When… at long merciful last… we finally reached the summit of the yama… with me panting like a dog… and my tongue hanging out... my legs suddenly gave way... And I collapsed onto the soft… dewy grass... All I wanted… was to just die there… lying on the blissfully welcoming… cool… cool carpet of green...

I was so exhausted… that even the spectacular sunrise… which usually thrilled me to the core… filling me with awe… and wonder… at the magnificence… of my Heavenly Father’s Creation… failed to excite me…

Expecting to hear Papa's scornful voice… scolding me... his scathing words of wrath… raining down upon my aching body… any moment... chastising me for being so weak… I lay there… cringing... waiting for Papa's angry… verbal onslaught… not daring to look up at him...

But to my utter amazement… he let out a whoop… pleased as punch… and grinning broadly… told me how proud he was of me..! So pleased… in fact… that even though I was now too big… and too old… to ride up on his shoulders anymore… as a reward… he would carry me all the way down the mountainside… piggy-back..!

As usual… after the grueling morning ritual was over… I was always expected to gorge myself… with a hearty breakfast of porridge… with milk and sugar… soft-boiled eggs… toast with jam… and a huge… ice-cold glass of milk - the only real enjoyment for me… and which Miraculously… always quickly restored my energy… full tilt...

Our morning exercise rituals… always started out well… with me enjoying them very much… but the more Papa took me past my comfortable stride… the more of a dreaded ordeal they became…

And yesterday morning's session… after a break of a year… when I had become a permanent boarder… at the ISY… had been no different… from the other dreaded early morning travails… only worse… because of that added thirty minutes… which seemed to drag on and on… seeming to drain away… the very last ounce… of my strength...

And then there had been the totally unexpected shock… that Xenia's gruesome… "naked" face had given me… making me painfully aware… that for the past year… since she had come into my life… as my new Auntie… every time I had gazed upon the loveliness of her face… I was actually being deceived… not seeing a really true representation… of her image… but being cleverly fooled… by her false "mask of beauty"...!

And then the low-down… dirty daiku-san… exposing himself so disgustingly… leering up at me… just at the moment… when I had digested… rationalized… understood and accepted… Xenia's awful… deceptive… tragic truth...

And… of course… on top of all the above… having to bear the constant… empty aching void… that the loss of my mother… had left inside me… which never seemed to diminish… by the slightest degree… often making me wonder… what terrible karmic debt… I had reaped… to have my adored mother… Taken away from me… and I would cry myself to sleep… at night… in my loneliness… and unbearable… aching longing for her…

And all of a sudden… because of all the foregoing… and more… in a single morning… at the tender age of about seven… added to all the other… shocking experiences… one after another… during the past seven years… something in you had cracked - you could feel the enormous pain of it…

And you had rushed out of Xenia's room… and raced downstairs… without letting her know… what you had seen… intent in your heart… to at least give the odiously evil daiku-san… a thorough tongue-lashing… with lots of effective Japanese swear words...

And the closer you got to the gate… where he was still insolently standing… grinning at you… a towering righteous rage… had filled your entire being… and at the same time… that particular Superhuman Strength… that an Angel of God… Had Given you… Helping you to escape from being kidnapped… for the first time… when you were about four… Vibrated throughout your whole body… and you made a Giant Leap towards him… taking the wind out of his sails… to see a little slip of a girl… come barrelling towards him…

And you began attacking him… paying him back… for all the ual abuses… you had been helplessly subjected to… as a baby girl… by him… and his kind… when your Amahs sold you to them… to be “inspected”… and fondled… in the dirty back rooms… of the little village shops…

(The reader should know… that at the original time… of writing this part of my book… I had no memory of the sexual abuse… perpetrated on me… for all the terrifying ordeals of them… had been Mercifully Erased from me… by my Heavenly Father… that very morning…

But now… in reediting… this chapter… in 2006… I can write about those helpless… degrading experiences… for the memory of them… was restored to me… with the help of my Beloved Soul mate Richard… during his recent Visitations… fully detailed in my Second Open Letter… under Chapter heading “VISITATIONS…” … the disgusting details of which… I once again… humbly ask forgiveness for… should they be too offensive… to my readers… )

And you beat the insulting daiku-san so severely… kicking and scratching… and pummeling… even knocking some of his teeth out… that he ran off… howling in pain…

Yes… I remembered that incredible day… as if It Was Etched… in my very Soul… because something uniquely Extraordinary… had taken place… just as I turned… to go back inside the house... feeling very pleased with myself…

Standing in the bright sunshine… in my bare feet… I had suddenly Felt A Great Sense… Of Something Very Odd… Rising Up In My Chest...! Totally overcome… by the Strange… Unfamiliar Sensation of it… I had stopped dead in my tracks… on the winding pebbled footpath...

And as I stood there… stock still… surrounded by bushes… and shrubs of a profusion of colors… the bloom of nature… bursting forth… in all her glory... around me… It Was As If I Had An Overwhelming Sense… That Time Had Come To A Strange Kind Of Standstill..!

And then… It Was As If Something Very Large… And "Knowing" … Filled Up my chest... And It Was Very Painful... And Welling Up... Filled My Whole Body… Vibrating it... the Strange Sensation... Accompanied By A Terrible Feeling… Of Almost Unbearable Anguish..!

And then... my mouth Was Made To Open… and… As If From The Very Depths Of My Soul… Came The Sound Of My Own Voice… But Not As That Of A Little Seven Year Old Girl… But As That Of A Fully Mature… Grown Up Adult...! And Like A Great Roaring… My Voice Had Cried Out…:

"Oh God... My Merciful… Heavenly Father… My Soul Is In Such Agony… And This Humble Daughter Of Yours… Beseeches You… To Let Me Return To You… Now… To My True Home In Heaven…”

“And If Not… Then Please Let This Lifetime… Be The Very Last… Of My Many Reincarnations… Upon This Planet Earth…!”

“And Let Me Endure… Whatever I Must… To Be Cleansed… And Purified… Of All Sins… Incurred In Past Lives… In This… My Very Last Lifetime… That I May Never Again… Have To Return To This World… Which Is Indeed Fraught With Evil…!”

As my voice died away... it seemed as if I was willing to stand there… in the garden… for all Eternity... For I was utterly convinced… that if I moved… even just a fraction… I would miss hearing God's Reply… to my fervent plea..!

After the longest time… it seemed... I began to experience… a Deep Inner Awareness… of Accepting Affirmation… deep within my soul...

And then I saw a Diaphanous Umbrella… Come Floating Gently Down… Hovering just above my head… And I felt a Tremendous Upsurge… of the Most Unutterably Blissful JOY… Spreading Throughout my entire being... Permeating every part of my body...

And I Felt the Warm Glow… of my Heavenly Father's Divine Love… Washing over me... Enveloping me… from the very tips of my bare toes… to the very tips… of my long fingers... and throughout every brain cell… in my head... even to the very ends of my hair..!

And from that very moment... I "knew" … deep inside me… that this lifetime… was to be my very last… on this planet earth... I "knew" also… that I would have to be very self-critical… and self-observant... watching over my own actions… and the words that I spoke… even more carefully… than ever before… from then on...

While all these Grave… Serious Realizations… Kept Flooding Throughout my entire being... They Were Accompanied… by a Very Wide Sense… that Standing under the Protective Umbrella… was a Divine Sign… for me… of God’s Holy Grace... Making me feel Overwhelmed… and Greatly Blessed… by my Beloved Creator... as I Blissfully stood there… under the Gossamer Canopy… Basking in His Gentle… Everlasting… All-Encompassing… Merciful Love...

I could Sense Almighty God's Infinite Approval of me… and my boundless love for Him... feeling… as never before… that I was indeed… a cherished daughter of His...

And this is an Inner Feeling… that Has Accompanied me… throughout all the years… the days… hours… minutes… and seconds… of my life… even unto this very day... as I re-edit this work… on December 14th … 2006… for the very last time… at the age of seventy-six and a half… sitting at the computer… in my wheelchair… squinting at the page… with only the use of my left eye… since my right eye… has been virtually useless… for over these past eight years…

Except for those devastatingly soul-searing times… when I Have Been Made… by the All-Wise Will of God… to Periodically Experience… what has come to be termed… "The Dark Night of the Soul"...

During those horrendously soul-taxing times… the usual awareness… of the Loving Power of Almighty God… Flowing… Throughout my being... Making me feel blissfully serene… and in harmony… with my universe... Is Suddenly Taken Away... for a while...

And I have come to realize… that those Times… are to Show me… how devastating it can be for me... to breathe... to function... in short… to live... nay… even to just exist... without God's Great Holy Life Force… Gently Pulsating… within my very being... When the Holy Grace… of His Infinite Spirit… Perfectly Guiding… my every thought… and action… is absent... how utterly and thoroughly different... and meaningless... as if dead... life can be... making me feel indescribably bereft...

For the rest of that Holy… Momentous Day… as I looked around me… in awe… everything seemed to be Magnified… a hundred-fold… in significance... and in my awareness… from the Brightness… of the spectrum of colors… of the rainbow… in each blade of grass... each petal… of each delicate flower... to the myriad textures of flora… and fauna… everywhere... the majestic trees… and every leaf thereon... as if seen through a Special Magnifying Glass... on loan to me… that Glorious Day… by my Merciful and Loving Heavenly Father…

And as I gazed at all of Almighty God's Wondrous Beauty… surrounding me… with the Air So Still… and so Calm… and so Peaceful… it was as if I could even hear the flowers Singing to me… as if honoring me…! And the stately trees… seemed to be Bending Down towards me… in respectful homage… “recognizing” me… as Being Specially Favored… by their Creator…!

And even the darling… chirping birds… in the sky - “God's Little Playmates” - being the title of a poem… I had written about them… when I was five… singing their unique Praises… to their Creator on High... Looked Brighter... and seemed more real … to my Miraculously Altered Sight...

It was as if I was really “Seeing” the trees… bushes… flowers… and birds… and the soft green grass… beneath my bare feet… for the very first time...!

And as I marvelled… full of awe and wonder… at my Heavenly Father’s Holy Wondrous Creation… around me... it seemed as if my feet… never touched the ground - I was Floating On Air... Light As A Feather... and I felt that I Had Been Given Some Kind of Special Grace… to See Things… as they really are...!

At the same time… as the hours… of my incredibly Blessed Day… wore on… I began to Experience… more and more... a Sense of my soul… Expanding... Stretching... Widening... to contain whatever it was… that God… in His Infinite… Loving Wisdom… and Mercy… Was Gradually Putting inside me... Divinely Endowing me with... to “endure whatever I must…”

But on this particular day… and from then on… for every dawning day… thereafter… the spontaneous rush of love… for God's Divine Handiwork… flooding my being… was far greater… than it had ever been before...

And I had the beginnings of understanding… of how one's feelings… can be stretched wider… and grow deeper... one's soul actually experiencing… the wonderful feeling… of being at one with nature...

And as I felt the Strange Enlarging Sensation... deep down inside me… I "knew" … that I would have to endure much… in this lifetime... to atone for all the sins… of past incarnations... not only of mine… but of my ancestors… as well… feeling a very real… Inner connection to them… although in this lifetime… I had never known… in person… any true relatives… apart from my mother… no aunts or uncles… no cousins… no nephews or nieces… and neither any grandparents… nor my real father…!

(Naturally… I had no conscious knowledge… at the time… that mine was a heritage of nobility… and that in their positions of nobility… bringing with them power… and wealth… many of my ancestors… on my Countess mother's side… had taken unfair advantage… of the people… entrusted to their care… subjecting them to cruel abuse… by cheating… and clever deception… and even murder… in their rabid greed… to attain more wealth… more power...)

Feeling this unexpected blood-tie… to my ancestors… and the enormity… of the Spiritual Burden… that was mine to endure... the debt of atonement… of the indisputable “Divine Law of Cause and Effect"... I "knew" also… that I would survive the ordeals… on my Karmic Plate… somehow… even if only by the skin of my teeth...

CHAPTER THREE

KIDNAPPED YET AGAIN… THAT VERY SAME NIGHT…!

To get back to that soul-searing day… in 1937… it so happened that… on that very night… I was actually kidnapped... for the second time… whisked away… to the very mountain top… that Papa and I had just climbed… the previous morning…!

It all seemed like a vague dream afterwards… because of the very fact that… when I went to bed that night… I was still feeling Extremely Mellow… as if Wrapped in a Very Pleasant Cocoon... floating on Cloud Nine...

In fact… my jaws were aching… because I had not been able to stop smiling… since my wonderful "Spiritual Awakening" … that incredible morning... Feeling Euphorically Beatific… for the rest of that Exceptionally Glorious Day… and into the soft… gently enfolding hours of the night…

All throughout the daylight hours… my heart had been Overflowing… with Tender Feelings of Love… for everything… and everybody… around me... even Xenia… and her usually irritating… whining voice… much more than ever before...

In the past… ever since I was very little… whenever my baby eyes… had alighted on a delicate flower in the garden… or a lovely flowering bush… or stately tree… or even a bird… (to my mind God's little s)... each one distinctive… and no two alike…I would feel a rush of love… flooding my entire being… for whatever I happened to be gazing fondly at...

And I would find myself cooing lovingly... talking… and singing aloud… to them all... at the same time… feeling my deep… eternal love for God… my Heavenly Father… inside me...

And as I lovingly gazed all around me... I would be filled… with an overwhelming sense of awe… at the Magnitude… of the Divine Perfection… of His Wondrous Creation...

In fact… from the very first moment… that I heard His Name mentioned… by another human being - overhearing my mother talking to my sister Prima - I must have been about five… at the time - something deep inside me… had "responded" … with a conscious "knowing" feeling… of boundless… unconditional love for Him...

And it was quite a pleasant… reassuring sensation… to realize that I was no longer alone… in my awareness of Him… this familiar Inner Contact… with my Creator… which had filled my breast… privately… ever since I could remember...

I remember falling asleep that night… still with that Wonderfully Deep Blissful Feeling… Deep Inside me... thanking my Heavenly Father… over and over… for the Divine Wondrous Gift… and the Great Revelation… He Had Bestowed upon me…

At the same time… telling Him… how affectionately proud I was… of my Papa… that he had deliberately foregone… our usual early morning exercises… that morning… in the hope that his beloved Xenia and I… would bond with each other… and my head seeming to sink deliciously… right into my pillow... in my very own bed… in my very own bedroom… a first for me…

But then I was suddenly startled awake… with a jolt… and instantly alert... found… to my amazement… that I was sitting on the grass...! And not only sitting on a carpet of green… but that my body was propped up against something hard and unyielding…!

Shooting into my brain… came two realizations…:

I was somewhere high up… outdoors... for I felt the familiar chill of a mountain breeze... and it must be nighttime... because it was pitch black… directly in front of my eyes..!

Puzzled... I glanced around me… feeling somewhat disoriented... and noticed… at a little distance away to my left… a small bonfire… around which I could vaguely distinguish… three or four men… crouched down on their haunches... They were gesticulating… talking to each other loudly… in gruff… guttural Kata-Kana (low-class Japanese)...

And as I sat there… becoming more and more nonplussed... before allowing fear… to overwhelm my dazed senses... I wondered groggily… whether I was dreaming... because I had no idea… how I had gotten up there… quite certain now… that I was sitting on a mountain top… for there was an odd feeling of familiarity… about my surroundings...

Then I noticed the little clearing… where the little "cha uchi" (tea house) stood… deserted now... and the little shrine… next to it… where the Shinto believers… left their offerings of food… to pay homage to the "yama no genki"… (mountain spirits) … and to appease their anger... You could always find these shrines… on Japan's mountaintops… for the Japanese firmly believed… that"genkis" resided there… to protect them... down below…

Gazing at the lonely-looking little tea house… I recalled the many times where Papa… Xenia and I… after climbing to the top… during one of our Sunday excursions… had sipped refreshing cups of green "cha"… sitting outside on the balcony… with its beautifully sculptured balustrade… of bright crimson… and its gaily fluttering paper lanterns… strung up above our grateful heads...

Then all of a sudden… it flashed through my mind… that I was actually sitting… on the very same grass… that I had plunked down my exhausted body upon… at the summit of the very same mountain… that Papa and I had climbed… only yesterday morning…!

And as I realized this astounding fact... marvelling... all of a sudden… it seemed as if I instinctively "knew" … exactly what I was supposed to do...!

And for the very first time… in this lifetime… I Was Made to make my whole body feel still... Made to empty my head… of all disquieting thoughts... and my heart of all feelings of fear… and anxiety...

Then turning my awareness Inward.. I found myself asking inside myself… in a very sincere… reverend tone of voice..:

"Am I in mortal danger...?!"

And lo and behold… I heard a Quiet Answer Come… from what I came to recognize… later on… and from then onwards… as my Guardian Angel's Voice…!

And what He Whispered in my right ear… which became His Way of communicating with me… was..:

"No... But You Have Been Kidnapped… Again…!"

Hearing His reassuring Voice… made me suddenly feel… as if I could face anything… and anyone… no matter how big… or how menacing... and there was not a shred of fear inside me...!

I suppose that I could have made a run for it… then and there… but something inside me… wanted the confrontation… with these three thugs... something inside me… demanded to have my courage tested..!

I knew that my height of about five feet five inches… had probably automatically given them the impression… that I was about nine or ten - certainly not barely seven years old...

So I waited to see what would happen… greatly reassured by the comforting Presence… of the Ethereal Being… I was now calling my Guardian Angel...

And it was only then… that I noticed… that I was not alone… there were three other children there… beside me… sitting propped up against the tree next to mine..!

And then I noticed… with a prick of alarm… that unlike my own unfettered body… theirs were hampered… by having their hands tied behind their backs… their ankles bound… and their mouths gagged..!

And as I looked closer at them… I saw by the pale light of the fire… that they were beautiful Eurasians… a handsome angelic looking boy… and two exquisitely beautiful girls… averaging about nine to eleven years old…

I already knew about the very lucrative Sex Slave Market Trade… in the Far East… and in Japan particularly… where there were many Eurasians… and other people… of mixed races… inhabiting the larger cities... The daily newspapers were always full of reports of missing children… mostly Eurasian… because so many of them… were so uniquely exquisite… and even an occasional Caucasian or two..!

After my first narrow escape… from almost being kidnapped… by a lowly daiku-san… when I was about four… my amah Suzuki… had told me all about the slave trafficking… warning me to be on the look-out for the dangers… lurking around every corner… of the city streets... and even in the villages… and to protect myself… from becoming easy prey… to the skulking predators… looking for the one vulnerable victim… to pounce upon… and whisk away… never to be seen again… by her family…!

I knew that young… white-skinned… fair-haired… blue or green-eyed Caucasians… fetched the highest prices… in the Sex Slave Market… and that they were much sought after… by wealthy Orientals… and Chinese mandarins... and for the better-class s of Shanghai… Singapore… Macao and Hong Kong...

Next highest were the Eurasians… many of the girls… from a very early age on… exquisitely beautiful... the boys… likewise… exceptionally handsome...

Not daring to move... I watched the louts… recognizing from their particular… familiar dark blue happi outfits… and crude manner… that they were indeed the dreaded… low-class daiku-sans..!

Not daring to take my eyes off them… I wondered… in amazement… why I had not been tied up and gagged… as well...

And before I could give myself any logical explanation… with my gaze riveted to the fireside… my attention was drawn… as the three ruffians suddenly rose to their feet... Their voices became loud and strident… and from what I could understand… they were arguing about "baishu suru" (tampering with) the human merchandise..!

One of them kept insisting… that he had a score to settle… especially with the "wakai burondo no josei shojo" (young blonde girl)... and he would not be satisfied… until he wreaked his vengeance… upon her... No… he was not going to "ni oshiiru" (force his way) upon her… (whatever that meant) … but he was going to rub her face… in his "kasu" (feces) … then force her to eat it..!

And just as he gutturally barked out the word "kasu" … he turned his head abruptly… in my direction… and I recognized the insolent daiku-san… from that very morning…!

And as my heart began to pound… with sudden trepidation… I could not help but notice… en passant… that he had unusually even white teeth… for a Nipponese… giving him quite a handsome… dashing appearance... but now spoiled… because I had knocked two of them out…

At his insistent vehemence… his partners-in-crime… threw up their hands in resignation… saying that they were washing their hands… of the whole affair… telling him to go ahead… and do what he wanted to do...

I saw him grinning… and rubbing his hands together… in anticipation of the abject indignity… he was going to subject me to… and to my amazement… instead of cowering in fear... as I watched his movements... I felt myself grow in stature... as I had that morning of Special Grace...!

And feeling a sense of Righteous Outrage... my chest swelled up… full of determination… to confront this uncouth lout… and whatever he had in mind for me..!

No sooner did I resolve to stand my ground… when the daiku-san… started to swagger towards where I was still sitting... Keeping myself perfectly immobile... propped up against a large boulder... I thought it prudent… to pretend to be fast asleep...

I waited… sitting stock still... absolutely "certain" … deep inside me… that this ruffian… would never get the better of me... not while my Guardian Angel Friend… Was Right There… beside me... My heart was full of utter faith… that no harm would befall me...

Then the daiku-san was standing right above my body... and just as he was about to bend down towards me... suddenly feeling an Enormous Tingling Strength… Coursing Throughout my body... I was Made to Shoot up to my feet... and looking him straight in the eye… fearlessly... I Spat in his face…!

Dazed and disoriented... losing his balance... he reeled back at my unexpected attack… letting out a guttural shout of surprised…: "Arra!"

And before he could regain his composure… confident of having the upper hand... I began railing at him in fluent Japanese... And with each hurled expletive… into his astonished face... I kept shoving him backwards firmly… with both hands... at the same time rapidly uttering curses at him with each shove… shouting..:

"Bakayaro - ghunshik-sho..." … heaping insults on him and his ancestors… with such conviction and authority… giving him no opportunity… to regain his balance... that he finally toppled over onto the hard ground..! And all the while… I poked him in his chest... I felt as if I had the Strength of Samson… in my arms…!

He looked around frantically… for his companions… but they were nowhere to be seen… Then I heard the sound of stentorian snoring… coming from the far side of the bonfire... and I grinned down at my now terrorized… helpless victim... totally in my power... lying sprawled at my feet...

Roaring at him in a tone of outrage… I told him that if he ever dared to show his face… at our doorstep again… I would stick a Samurai sword… in his gut… committing "subuku" on him...!

"Wakaru-deska?" I roared at him… "Anata-wa bakayaro desu - totemo warui desu... ne...?"… I jeered… scolding him… (do you understand… you cursed dreg of humanity…? You are very vile... aren’t you…?)

"Hai hai" (yes yes) he whimpered… grovelling at my feet… cowering… bending way over… again and again... his head touching the ground… in traditional Japanese obeisance… pleading over and over… stuttering…:

"Go-go… men nasai... I I-Jin-san… go-go… men nasai..." (forgive me… foreign one… forgive me...)

Now that I had the thug… at my mercy… I was curious to know… how he had brought me up there… and gruffly demanded an answer from him... commanding him to obey... still appearing to be very angry… and disgusted with him…

Stammering… shamefaced… he told me how he had easily shinned up the drainpipe… at the side of our house… in his tabi feet… leaving his "kutsus" (shoes) behind... then climbing up on to our roof... had looked into each window… until he had located my bedroom... then finding the window open… had swiftly stepped inside…! It had been as simple as that...

Noticing that I was deep in sleep… he had simply picked me up… and silently gone down the staircase… and out the front door... holding me tightly to his chest..! Then… carrying me on his back… putting his "kutsus" back on… he had climbed up the mountain… to meet up with his other cronies...

Amazingly… always having been a very sound sleeper - probably off in Heaven… visiting - I had never woken up once… during all the time it had taken him… from picking me up… to depositing me on the mountain top..!

Satisfied now that I had the whole story… I admonished him sternly… one last time… then ordered him to untie the boy and girls… who were still lying bound and gagged... their eyes huge… with a mixture of fear… and amazement… at the scene before them… of the muscular daiku-san… turned into a quivering jellyfish… by the mere slip of a girl..!

The daiku-san quickly untied the children… and helped them to their feet… bowing and scraping… begging their forgiveness… "Go-men nasai... go-men nasai"… over and over… completely transformed into a cowering… servile supplicant..!

With one last warning to him… not to give chase… I addressed the Eurasian children… suggesting that they run away from there… as quickly as possible...

They nodded their heads… smiling… and wanted to thank me… but I waved them off with a hasty…: "Sayonara... O-yasumi-nasai..." (good-bye… sleep well…)

But as they scampered off… they called out…: "Domo arigato… Sera-chan..."! …

leaving me very puzzled… over the fact that they knew my name…!

I waited until they had run safely past the sleeping men… heading for the footpath… that would take them down to the little Japanese village… nestled below… at the foot of the yama… in the opposite direction… to my way home… skirting past the now dying fire… as they fled from their captors...

As they disappeared from view… I looked down with derision… at the still fawning daiku-san… cowering at my feet...

Then turning my back abruptly… I left the area… running down the mountainside... very grateful now… that all the twists and turns of it… were so familiar to me… since I had already climbed the yama so often...

As I raced away… I thought I heard the sound of running footsteps... and my heart lurched in my chest... suddenly very fearful… that I was about to be overtaken... but then realized… to my great relief… that it was the sound of my own bare feet… pounding down the hard footpath of the mountain..!

Running like the proverbial wind... I glanced back periodically... imagining that I could hear thundering footsteps… racing after me... but it was still only the sound of my own flying feet… tearing down the steep mountainside… going as fast as I could...

There was no pursuit whatsoever… from the ruffians… and as I ran for my life... longing for the safety of my own bedroom… aching to get under the warm soft covers… of my own bed... at the same time… marveling at my recent display of courage... I could hear the occasional beating of wings… whooshing around my head... then the loud hoot of a night owl… right in my ear… startling me... its furry body barely scraping my cheek... as it swooped low in flight...

I finally reached the foot of the yama… and slipped through our gate... But as I walked up the garden path… heading for our front door… I suddenly froze dead in my tracks... How on earth was I going to get back into the house… with the door obviously securely locked for the night…? Then I remembered about the daiku-san telling me… that he had left the house by our front door… and prayed that it was still unlocked...

Stepping up to the door... keeping my fingers crossed... I pushed against it tentatively... and I could have shouted for joy… when I felt it give easily… opening up onto the dark hallway...

Breathing a sigh of relief… I tiptoed upstairs… very cautiously... praying all the while… that the stairs would not creak... so that Papa would become alarmed… and come out of his room… to investigate... It would never do… for him to catch me in the expensive silk pajamas… he had given me… and in my bare feet...

Since I was forbidden to go downstairs… after going to bed… (midnight snacks were strictly taboo) … I would have had a lot of explaining to do... But Providence was on my side… and I reached my room safely… without disturbing my slumbering parents...

Now suddenly exhausted… from that night’s dangerous adventure… I barely had enough breath… to thank my Heavenly Father… for Sending His Guardian Angel… yet again… to Help rescue me… and shyly thanked my dear Guardian Angel Friend… as well… before I fell asleep…

The sun streaming through my bedroom window… woke me up… and as I lay… cozy and warm… under the covers... I mulled over the fact… that I was still in bed… and not having been wrenched out of bed… pre-dawn… to exercise with Papa…!

And now that it was broad daylight… I found myself wondering… about the previous night's extraordinary events… and came to the conclusion… that the kidnapping episode… could never have happened… in reality… I must have dreamt it all...

Contemplating the unlikelihood… that I actually would have been able to confront… and face down… a brawny… muscular laborer… and a grown-up adult… to boot… in real life… made me all the more certain… that my so-called “kidnapping” … must have been nothing but a bad nightmare… which… albeit… had ended well...

Papa… knocking on my door… urging me to get a move on… summoning me for our early morning exercises… claiming that it was not too late… to get in at least an hour… even though he had overslept… intruded on my thoughts… about the strange dream…

He was very disgruntled because… for once… he had overslept… thus affording me a much needed extra hour of sleep… for which I smilingly thanked my Heavenly Father… and also my now Guardian Angel Friend… secretly… in my heart... knowing that They had caused Papa… to sleep late…!

Thoroughly convinced now… that it had all been a bad dream… I pushed back the covers… to get out of bed… hoping that I would be able to cope better this morning… than the other morning… with the extra half hour...

I inspected my thighs… which did not seem to be too red… from the rough rope… and the swelling had seemed to go down somewhat… also… although my muscles still ached...

Then I happened to notice my feet... and with a jolt… saw that the soles of them… were inexplicably caked with dirt..! My head reeled with dizziness... my heart beginning to pound...

"Wait a minute..." … frantically trying to calm myself down... find a simple logical explanation… for my dirty feet... But then realized… that there wasn't any… because… before I had gone to bed last night… I had been squeaky clean… having taken my usual nightly bath… and even shampooed my own hair… for the very first time… Xenia telling me I was now old enough… to wash my hair by myself…!

So I finally had to accept the fact that… as mind-boggling as it seemed now… with the sun shining brightly into my room… bringing with it a sense of reality... what I had experienced the night before… had actually happened... had actually taken place - it had not been just a nightmare… after all…!!!

I never ever breathed a word… about the events of that night… to a single solitary soul… mainly because I did not think that anyone would believe me… especially Papa… and now share that incredible episode… with my hopefully many dear readers… for the very first time in my life… writing about it here...

CHAPTER FOUR

THE DIVERSE CRUELTIES… OF MY AUTHORITARIAN PATRIARCH… FIRST WITH THE DREADED… “DIVE BOMB ABURAMUSHIS…”!

Leaning against the huge canvas sack… in what I was now calling The Stinking Black Hole of China… l found myself thinking dark thoughts… going back over the past mostly hellish two years… of living in our torture house… on the Bluff… now that I was mercifully free… of having to live there…

If the weather was pleasant… I would be allowed to play… for a little while… in our garden… before dinner… and happily transformed out of my restricting school uniform… into one of my comfortable… expensive silk kimonos… usually bright red… or blue… and embroidered with beautiful exotic flowers… that Papa would give me… whenever he was exceptionally pleased with his business…

And I would while away the pleasant twilight time… with one of my latest Christmas presents… a genuine Nipponese "oibane" (shuttlecock) - the bat ingeniously covered in rich material… painted on one side… with the raised embossed rendering… of a beautiful Geisha girl… elegantly dressed in her colorful silk kimono of red and gold… her exquisite… demurely cocked head… covered with real raven hair… elaborately coiffed in the traditional Japanese Geisha hairstyle… complete with delicate… tinkling… silvery hair ornaments...

But before bedtime… I had to undergo the worst nightly ordeal imaginable... an hour of such horrible terror… that no girl of a mere ten years of age… should have to go through… and which had been going on now… for a long… long year… and four long… long months…:

Ever since the five of us… began living together… for the very first time… and in the same house… as a family… when the ISY was forced to close down… in early 1940…, because of the war… and we three children… could no longer be permanent boarders there…

It was the day after my tenth birthday… when the Rau children… were finally baptized… by dear Papa Bear… Reverend Pott… at the school… being his last religious service… before he left Japan… for England…

Papa Rau and Xenia… were resentful… that their years of care-free world traveling… combining business with pleasure - a never-ending… blissful… whirlwind honeymoon… to exotic… romantic faraway places - happily unencumbered by two wild teenagers… and one awkward adolescent… had been so totally… and abruptly disrupted… and curtailed…

And Papa… now having his unwanted children… thrust upon him… had spitefully been enforcing… a very strict regimentation of discipline… in his household… over which he ruled… as absolute patriarch… brooking no protests… or complaints… from any single member of them… not even his beloved wife…!

Adamantly refusing to tolerate… any sign of weakness… under his roof… he seemed to concentrate harsher discipline… especially upon me… his youngest… and the one child… for unfathomable reasons… that he alone knew… than upon any of his older children...

So that… every single night… after dinner… focussing his attention… singularly in my direction… having taken off his business suit… he was now also dressed in an expensive black silk kimono… embroidered with a huge gold dragon… with huge emerald green eyes… just like his… and a long snaking tongue… of bright red…

This was a tradition… that he and I shared… ever since I was a tyke… when he took me with him… to the Yayu Communal Baths… and now… both of us comfortably dressed… in our silk kimonos… his brilliant emerald green eyes flashing… always insisting… that we continue to speak to each other in Japanese… when we were wearing our kimonos… he would brusquely order me to follow him… and without fail… he would head straight for the little lavatory… under the staircase… opposite our front door...

He… a firm believer in physical wellbeing… and health… no longer proudly paraded around the house… stark naked… showing off his magnificent physique… hanging weights from his penis… in order to enlarge it… like he used to… when he and my mother were married… and we lived together… under the same roof… in Kobe… no doubt because of his Russian wife’s narrow… disapproving Russian Orthodox outlook… but he insisted on keeping his usual habit… of shedding his business suit… and donning his comfortable silk kimono… whenever he was at home…

And no matter how hard I prayed… for the ground to swallow me up... to be spared this nightly terrifying test of endurance… as I obediently walked behind him... barefoot… in my kimono… quaking inside… with the most terrible feeling of sinking panic... very aware of the fiercely menacing dragon… on Papa’s back… like an evil… taunting… devilish omen… I always ended locked up... all alone... inside what I came to call the "Chamber of Horrors..."

Switching on the glaring bright light inside… his face expressionless… Papa would order me… speaking in commanding guttural Japanese… to wash my face and hands… and brush my teeth… then sit down on the toilet seat...

And once I had done so… trying my very best… to put on a brave front... not to cower in abject fear… and terror… in front of him... he would push the little square window… wide open… with the strict admonishment… that I was not to move... not even a muscle... until he returned for me...

Then he would exit the small washroom abruptly… compounding a thousandfold… my sense of utter desolation... leaving me there… all alone… with my face and hands scrubbed clean… and the lingering taste of peppermint… in my mouth… to face… and overcome… the terrifying revulsion… of my loathsome arch enemy..:

THE HUGE… SLEEKLY SHINY… REDDISH-BROWN… HARD-SHELLED… FLYING… "DIVE-BOMB” ABURAMUSHIS…” (giant cockroaches) … so prevalent throughout Japan…

Within minutes… as I sat rigidly… in the little corner… on the toilet seat... as if turned to stone... in fearful anticipation... - the mind-numbing terror… never abating… in the slightest… with the repetition of the ghastly… nightly ordeals - the narrow room… would soon be filled… with the dark bodies… of the loathed and despised… huge insects... hundreds of them... as the aburamushis… frenzied by the glaringly bright light bulb… in the ceiling… would quickly locate me… and swarm all over my cringing body…

The deafening… buzzing noise they made… set my teeth on edge... jangling my nerves... making the bile rise in my throat... And when I could no longer bear the feel of them… crawling all over me… and the awful sound of them… as I sat… cringing on the toilet seat... without fail… I would invariably keel over… in a dead faint... when they would continue to side-swipe my body...

And as I fell over... certain my pounding heart… would stop beating... from sheer fright... the weight of my body… would squash some of them… onto the stark white tiled floor...

And the stark contrast of the white walls… white basin… and white floor… and their dark bodies… flying around and landing… would make them look even bigger… than they actually were… engulfing my panic-stricken senses… with undulating waves of anguish… and horror... freezing my whole being… with such rigid fear... that I was unable even to cry out to my Heavenly Father… for His Help..!

When I recovered consciousness… I would be overjoyed with relief… to find myself back… in my own bedroom… blissfully snuggled naked… under the covers… in the bed I shared with my beloved sister… my body no longer twitching… with the loathsome feel… of the abominated aburamushis… happy to see her loving face… as she hovered protectively over me… with a look of grave concern… in her dark gypsy eyes...

But then… as I wondered whether Papa had removed the odious uglies… from all over inside my kimono… incongruously blushing… at the thought of his hands… on my naked body… as he carried me up the steep stairs… and looked beyond her… to my innocent looking kimono… neatly draped over the chair… I would invariably notice our handsome patriarch… standing proudly… in his dragon kimono… in the doorway... filling it like a giant… implacable… monolith... waiting for me to see the look of derisive scorn… in his piercing green eyes... and my heart would give a despairing lurch...

Satisfied to see the tears of shame… start trickling down my cheeks… he would make some scathing remark about me… and my disgusting… nauseating weakness... and would abruptly turn heel… and leave… with the following words of doom… echoing like an ominous promise..:

"Warera tamesu futatabi asu yoru…!” (We try again tomorrow night..!")

And as he carelessly flung the terrifying words… over his shoulder at me… I would be filled with a nameless dread… As if he had firmly shut the door behind him… shutting me out… as if sealing my fate… I would be left… feeling terribly belittled… in bitter agony… that I had failed my adored father… Papa Rau… the unbeatable… magnificent Judo/Karate champion… that I so much admired… yet once again…

Devastated to the core… I would silently sob my heart out to my Heavenly Father… far too shy to plead out loud… begging Him… with all my heart… to please stop Papa's nightly torture... pleading for release… from the awful soul-wrenching pain… I was feeling... And finally… utterly exhausted emotionally... I would cry myself to sleep… in my big sister's comforting arms...

Then… about two months ago... OH JOY OF JOYS... a Miracle Happened...!

And it seemed as if my fervent prayers… had finally Been Answered… at long… long last... For… after being forced to endure the horrendous… nerve-wracking ordeal… every single harrowing night… for the past fifteen months - except for Saturdays… when Papa and Xenia went off together… to the Yokohama Country Club Dance - they started to play cards together… discovering that they enjoyed playing after dinner every night… in particular a game called "Jass" … not unlike Bridge...!

CHAPTER FIVE

… AND THEN WITH THE FEARSOME "GENKI..."!

During the past year and a half… on those Saturday nights… whenever Papa and Xenia went to the YCAC… to dine and dance… on a Saturday night… I was allowed a special treat… and Papa would order my favorite Japanese take-outs… such as "Soba" (thin) or "Udon" (thick) … noodle & vegetable soup... for me… from the village… below our house… before he left for the Country Club Dance…

Left all alone in the house… except for our servants… who had their own quarters… in the back… Prima and Remo also always absent… being invited to their friends’ houses… I would be in Seventh Heaven… at first… savoring my special treat… of the huge steaming hot bowls… of delicious noodles… tofu and vegetables… swimming in a richly flavored chicken broth… deftly delivered by a young boy… on his bicycle… eating my meal with our servants… in their quarters… on those Saturday nights… where there was plenty of light…

But my joy was double edged with terror… because after I finished eating… lingering over my delicious meal… for as politely long… as possible… I was expected to go back… into the main part of the house… and sit in the living room… but forbidden to put any lights on…!

The reason given to me… for not being allowed to turn on any lights in the house… during Papa's and Xenia's absence… was that… since I was the youngest… and therefore insignificant… it would be a waste… to spend his hard earned money… on only me… for electricity… which was very expensive…!

It seemed that now that all his hopes and dreams… of making a world class champion athlete… out of me… had been dashed to smithereens… because of my weak heart… his affection for me… had turned to resentment… and he became cold and distant… losing all interest in me… except to dole out harsh discipline…

I had dared to protest… only once… the first time they had gone out... and in retaliation… was reminded by Papa… that he had never asked for me to be born...! But since I had been born... I should expect nothing more from him and Xenia… than what they felt like offering me… out of the goodness of their hearts...!

And for the rest of the time… I should expect no more… than a modicum of tolerance… of my existence..! Unless… of course… I made myself useful to them... the only reason they would accept me..!

Ever since we started living with Papa and Xenia… under the same roof… when I was ten… Papa also continually reminded me… and very seriously… of his high expectations… to be financially supported by me… when I grew up… earning a substantial living… so that he and his beloved Xenia… could retire in comfort and luxury… in Hawaii...!

Adding that it was only right… that I should reimburse him… for all the huge amounts of money… he had spent on me... for the enormous quantities of food… that went into my stomach... for the expensive clothes… I wore on my back... for the decent roof… over my head... for the light and heat… that he provided… for my physical comfort... and last but not least… for the exorbitant cost of the education... for the dumb cluck that I was…!

(I found out years later… that that was a blatant lie… for it was Papa Alfred… who had paid for our education… at the ISY… and not Papa Rau... since it was my mother… who had gotten custody of us… In all fairness to him… perhaps he was referring to the cost of education he spent… on me… at St Maur's Convent for Girls...)

Besides… he added… my mettle… would be well tested… if I could show him… that I had the courage… to be left all alone in the house… in the pitch dark… without being afraid… sternly admonishing me… not to even try to disobey him… by thinking that he would not know… if I did put any lights on… because he had conjured up the services… of a "Nippon no Genki"… (Japanese spirit) … to spy on me from the garden… outside the house...!

Naturally… I never even once attempted… to put any lights on in the house… but made it a point to eat slowly... taking an inordinately long time… to consume my huge bowls of "Soba" or "Udon" … in Cook-san and Hana-san's quarters... usually invited… with much solemn bowing… to partake of some of their own food... such as my favorite crunchy… pickled vegetables… "daikon" (radish) …and "kyabetsu" (cabbage)... which Hana-san always kept stocked… in her pretty red lacquer jars...

Prolonging the time… before I would have to go back into the empty… cavernous… pitch black house… all alone... as long as was politely possible… much too shy and embarrassed… to beg to be allowed to stay… with Cook-san and Hana-san… in their brightly lit rooms… until my family's return... - I would rather die… than have them know… of my cowardice and fear - I would traditionally observe the bowing ritual of thanks… "Gochiso-sama..." …and bid them a falsely hearty… "Oyasumi-nasai..." (Good night)…

Then… taking a deep breath… trying to quell the pounding of my fearful heart... I would straighten my shoulders... and smiling bravely at Cook-san and Hana-san... wave nonchalantly... and force myself to go back into the now creaking… menacing… looming… pitch black house...

Where… fearful and trembling… in the inky dark... I would wait interminably long hours... longing to see the familiar faces… and hear the happy voices… of either Papa and Xenia... or Prima... or Remo... back home safe and sound... to protect me... their reassuring presence… dispelling my terror...

And I was always very acutely aware… that only the flimsy front door… separated me… from the fearsome "Genki"… prowling around outside... For some strange reason… I was far too embarrassed… to pray for help... let my Heavenly Father Know… what a craven coward… His almost adolescent daughter had become…!

I had been acquainted… with the scary "Genkis" … ever since I was three years old... from the spine-tingling stories… my amahs had told me... and they were very real to me... even at ten and eleven...!

So you can imagine… how petrified I was… to dare to even look outside… through the windows… into the dark night... where the fearsome "Genki" lurked... expecting to see his hideous… leering… menacing face… pressed against the window pane… spying on me with glee..!

And I would be so frightened… trembling… sitting in the pitch dark… of the huge living room… enduring the long… dragging hours… especially when I saw the red eyes of the evil Genki… in the garden… peering in at the big windows… grinning at my terror of him… my imagination running rampant… never once realizing… that the “red eyes” … were probably the lights of glowworms… and fireflies…

Only once… did I dare to disobey Papa… when I longed to be under the comforting covers… of my bed upstairs… convincing myself… that the frightening Genki… would not be able to reach that high up… to peer into the bedroom windows…

But as I slowly trudged up the steep stairs of Mount Everest… as usual… ever conscious of my weak heart… in the pitch dark… feeling like an abject craven coward… riddled with guilt… I suddenly felt something… run across my hand… and up my arm… on the bannister…

And panicking… I raced all the way up… ignoring the fact… that my weak heart… already pounding in fear… would be further taxed… alarmingly… and I was headed for another of those awful… lurching type of accelerated heartbeats… which were so unbearable… that all I could do… when they happened… was to lie down… on my bed… and surrender myself… to the Loving Arms… of my Heavenly Father… with utter trust… and faith… in Him… Who Had Created… my very being… and Knew me inside out… and far better… than I knew myself…

And ever since that creepy-crawly thing… probably a geji-geji… (Japanese centipede)… had crawled along my arm… as I climbed up the stairs… in pitch darkness… to go to my bedroom and sleep... I had been much too afraid… to attempt it again...

And from then on… like a yellow-livered coward... I had cringed in the darkness… of the living room... crouching down as close to the floor… as possible... trembling... my heart beating like a hammer... making sure to keep well away from the windows... feeling utterly vulnerable… and exposed... hating myself… for being so spineless... waiting for endlessly l-o-o-ng… dragging hours on end… for my elders to come home...

CHAPTER SIX

MY SUDDEN… DELIVERING MIRACLE…!

Getting back to the Miracle that Happened… One night… instead of being forced to go with Papa… to the terrifying "Chamber of Horrors" … he ordered me to go all by myself… expecting me to first put the light on… brush my teeth… wash my face and hands… as usual… like an obedient daughter should… then open the windows… to let the terror-inspiring horrors in…!

Overjoyed at being left to my own devices… I obeyed gladly… as far as going into the lavatory on my own… was concerned… but I could not… for the very life of me… switch the light on… nor even open the windows…!

And as I hastily ed… brushed my teeth… and nervously washed my face and hands… in the dark… the little room… dimly illuminated… by the outside light… just below the roof… on the back corner of our house… where… if I craned my neck upwards… and back to the left… I could see the inevitable swarms of the loathsome aburamushis… as well as hear their nerve-wracking buzzing… and pinging… as they hit the huge… bare light bulb outside… making me jump… all I could do was hope and pray… with all my heart… that Papa would not come in… to check up on me...

As I meekly reemerged from the lavatory… on the first night… on my own… shaking with trepidation... in my beautiful silk kimono… riddled with guilt… because I had not had the courage… to obey Papa to the letter… I was disgusted at myself… for my cowardice - why… I was anything but a coward… in all other aspects of my life… except for the dreaded Genki…

Because my being was filled with my unshakeable faith… and trust… in my Heavenly Father… and gratitude for the Protection of His Guardian Angel… Who seemed to be at hand… whenever I was in danger… I was able to feel some modicum of courage… as I noticed that Papa hardly looked up… from where he was sitting… so appealingly handsome… dressed in his traditional black silk kimono… absorbed in his game of cards… at the green baize card table… set up in the middle of the living room… beyond the French glass doors...

As I turned the corner… to my right… starting to climb the endless “Stairs of Mount Everest...” … I called out a hopefully nonchalant-sounding… lilting… “O Yasumina..sa..i Papa-san…" and a “Good nig..ht Xe..ni..a" … through the closed French glass doors…

Dismayed to hear that the tone of my voice… sounded nervous and quavery... certain that they were bound to detect… how guilty I felt… my heart started hammering with fear...

But to my great surprise… and enormous relief… they did not even bother… to look up at me… utterly engrossed in the cards in their hands… but merely waved an absent-minded "Good night" back… Papa never even bothering to ask… whether I had obeyed him…!

So… as the nights wore on… with much the same repeated scenario… I seized… more and more… the advantages of Papa Rau's continued inattention… carefully watching his noble profile… as I crouched in the pitch dark… of the entranceway… noticing how he never once looked up… from his intent concentration… on his cards… to cast a curious glance… in my direction… noticing that he only looked… from the cards in his hands… to his beloved Xenia… sitting across from him… from time to time… passing some comment… about her moves and strategies...

Papa's continuing to ignore my whereabouts… after dinner… gave me the courage… to pretend that I had been to the dreaded Chamber of Horrors… without actually setting one foot inside the frightening room..!

Then… putting on an exaggerated show… of seeming to be trudging back up the stairs… loudly yawning my head off... I would breezily call out…: "Good ni..ght... God Ble..ss... " … in both Japanese and English… with the two of them continuing to not even bother to look up from their game… absent-mindedly waving their arms… and sometimes not even responding to my call at all..!

As nerve-wracking as the nightly ordeal was… always in danger of having my duplicity found out… to my great relief… I managed to fool them… every single time..!

I hated deceiving Papa… feeling the familiar guilt-weight… of the "Lie Stone" … inside my chest… which I had asked my Heavenly Father for… as a Divine Reminder… whenever I told an untruth - this was after I told my very first lie… at the age of four… to my adored mother… when I narrowly escaped being kidnapped… for the White Sex Slave Market… with the Timely Help… of my Guardian Angel… making His acquaintance… for the very first time… in my life…

But my boundless terror… of that little "Chamber of Horrors" … far exceeded… having to bear its unpleasant weight... Besides… I knew that He always Forgave me… after I explained away my valid reasons to Him… about my deep-seated aversion to those horrible insects… before I fell asleep...

And I never woke up feeling heavy… because by morning… the weight of the "Lie Stone" … would have Been Lifted off my chest… and I would feel nice and light… and Mercifully Forgiven… once again..!

And… once again… full of optimism… that there would be no more nights of torture… for me… for I was born… with an ever burning… optimistic spirit… in my breast… always fervently believing… just like Scarlett O’Hara… of “Gone With the Wind” (#s 479, 483, 730, 923, 999, 1000 & 1080 of The Little Cilandak Video Library) … that “tomorrow is another day…”… that tomorrow would finally be the dawning day… when Papa’s cruelties towards me… would cease… and ours would be a happy home… with everybody truly loving each other… and openly caring for each other… as they should…

Naturally… I often ended up… going to bed… with a full bladder… not to mention unbrushed teeth… and unwashed face and hands… having to wake Prima up… in the middle of the night… begging her to accompany me downstairs… to that dreaded "Chamber of Horrors" … holding onto her hand tightly… for dear life… perpetually fearful of seeing… and hearing… those terrifying… "kamikaze aburamushi" dive-bombers… again...

I never allowed her to put the light on… either… my imagination running wild… that one of the dreaded monsters… might have somehow found its way… into the little room... All the while trembling with fear… all five feet six inches of me… sat on the edge of the toilet seat… hardly able to pee… as I clutched at five foot four Prima… never letting go of her hand… hating myself… for being such a craven coward...

No amount of trying to tell myself… that they were equally God's creatures… and therefore I should learn to love… or at least… accept them… as part of His Creation… lessened my terror of them… and even at the mere mention of the word “aburamushi” … or “cockroach”... my whole body would start trembling… with nauseous revulsion… and fear...

We children were never allowed to use the upstairs bathroom… adjoining the master suite… when Papa was in the house… except for our weekly baths on Saturday evenings... and had to cope the best we could… in washing ourselves… daily… at the basin of the tiny “Chamber of Horrors…”

But during the daytime… whenever there was no school… due to Taifu (typhoons)… or Kozui (floods)… or Jishin (earthquakes)… occurring usually between the months of October and February… Xenia would let me use their bathroom… and I would luxuriate… as long as possible… in the sudsy… perfumed hot water… liberally helping myself… to her array of exquisitely scented bath oils… bath foams… and expensive perfumes...

CHAPTER SEVEN

THE HEART-WRENCHING REASON… FOR MY LIFELONG TERROR OF ABURAMUSHIS… ROACHES… PALMETTOS… ETC…!

I was in my mid thirties… before I finally understood… my lifelong terror of the cockroach species… and why... When my mother… from whom I had been separated… in the real sense… for thirteen long… heart-breaking years… not a day going by… when I did not feel the soul-searing pain… of being separated from her… ever feeling as if torn… from her beloved side… she whom I had always worshipped and adored… ever since I had first laid eyes upon her… told me the following shocking… heart-wrenching story...

Apparently… when I was a mere infant… only a few months old… lying in a cot… in a hotel room… in the port city of Genoa… Italy… where I was born… I had experienced a terrifying ordeal...

Because it was such a warm night… 38 year old Theodore Rau… had opened the window by my bed… to let the ocean breeze in… and concerned that I might become afraid of the unfamiliar surroundings… in the dark… he had left the light on for me… before going downstairs… with his 23 year old exquisitely beautiful… French/Italian Contessa wife… Vera… to the hotel dining room… for dinner...

While they were enjoying their delicious dinner… amid the busy hustle and bustle of the ambidextrous waiters… adroitly maneuvering their trays piled high with platters of spaghetti… and other delectable Italian specialities… skillfully weaving in and out… between the crowded tables... the orchestra accompanying a handsome… swarthy tenor… lustily singing passionate Neapolitan love songs... my mother swore that she could hear me crying… despite all the noise going on around her… the waiters and their clattering dishes... the music playing...!

She wanted to get up right away… and go upstairs to their suite… which was on the fifth floor… to check up on me… but her husband… getting annoyed… had remonstrated with her… exclaiming…:

"How on earth can you hear baby Nadia crying… from way up there… through all this noise… Vera..? You must be imagining things... And if she is crying… never mind… let her cry... it's good for her… crying will make her develop a pair of healthy strong lungs... maybe she will become an opera singer...! (how prophetic)… Now... no more fretting about the baby… finish your dinner first...!"

But my mother felt extremely uneasy… because she thought she could hear me screaming by now... And drawing a deep breath… summoning up courage to defy her much older husband… to whom she had been married… since she was only sixteen… insisting that she had to go upstairs… to investigate… she rose from the table… and hurried away from the dining room... despite his spluttering protests…

As she approached their suite… I was screaming so loudly… that her ears seemed to reverberate… with the piercing sound... making her stagger and reel...

And becoming very alarmed now… she had rushed into the room… and seen… to her horror… an enormous black… flying cockroach… sitting right in the middle of my chest..!

My face was bright red… and almost apoplectic… Born cross-eyed… my blue eyes were wide open… with the most awful expression of terror in them... and my body was rigid with shock... as if paralyzed…!

I have no conscious memory of that… no doubt… petrifying event… nor what horrors… my heIpless self… had been subjected to… before my mother came rushing into the suite… but my subconscious mind… has never forgotten… making the terror… I obviously experienced that night… flare up… all over again… making me tremble with fear and dread… at the mere sight of a cockroach… to this very day… although I no longer faint… like I used to...

I can barely tolerate the smaller species… but the huge Japanese aburamushi… and those prevalent… along the coastal cities in South Africa… Hawaii… and now in the Deep South of the United States… where I am currently living… in Alabama… and what the Floridians call the palmettos… all flying types - all places it has been my fate… to have lived in - rekindle all the remembered… familiar terror … and repugnance in me… every single time...

Even to this very day… I can barely utter the loathed word "cockroach" … without feeling nauseous… and repulsed...

CHAPTER EIGHT

PAPA RAU’S FURTHER DIABOLICAL CRUELTIES… TOWARDS ME… INCLUDING MY FRAGILE HEART… BEGUN ON THE FOURTH OF JULY… 1937… THE AMERICAN DAY OF INDEPENDENCE…!

These ghastly nightly ordeals… with the dreaded dive-bomb aburamashis… also aggravated… and increased… the bouts of unnerving heart palpitations… which I had been experiencing… ever since about three months after my seventh birthday...

Papa had been training me… to become an Olympic athlete… ever since I was very little… and because I was born… with exceptionally long legs… especially my thighs… I was able to outrun… anybody my age… and even older - my unusually long legs.. no doubt… a contributing factor… to my athletic prowess…

On that memorable day - it was the 4th of July… 1937 … in celebration of the American Day of Independence… I was duly entered to run a 100-yard dash at the YCAC… (Yokohama Country & Athletic Club)… with one unusual feature..:

As we reached the half-way mark of the race… we were expected to bend down… and pick up one of the six small American flags… with their bright red white and blue stars and stripes… stuck neatly in a row in the ground… one for each runner… before racing back with it in our hands… to the starting line…

As I raced like the proverbial wind... way ahead of my competitors… as usual… certain that this race… was going to be yet another feather in my cap… knowing that many bets had been placed on me… as the Club’s favorite… I was very confident of an easy win…

But… as I reached the half-way mark... and bent down to pick up the cute little miniature flag… out of the ground… I suddenly felt my heart lurch... then begin to pound… at an alarming rate… much much faster… than it ever had… after any previous physical exertion… such as after playing a vigorous game of basketball… at which I excelled - no doubt… my height of five feet five inches… being a definite advantage - or after an exuberant mock duel… with fencing foils… or after folk dancing… to my heart's content… or after a strenuous ballet lesson… or even after running like the wind...

I loved dancing… and all kinds of sports… and Papa had been so proud of my athletic achievements... He had harbored such high hopes for me… and ever since I was a little tyke of three… he… a black belt Judo and Karate Champion… had been training me daily… on a set of dumbbells… he had had specially made for me..!

Every single morning… before dawn… he would wake me… dress me in my brightly colored romper suit… and taking me by the hand… lead me upstairs to the attic… where he had set up his gym… and carefully put me through the paces… of all kinds of exercises… including lifting the little dumbbells…!

And after we finished exercising… in the attic… he expected me to climb up the yama (mountain) … behind our house… with him… every single morning… before dawn… come rain or come shine..! And there was never any breakfast… beforehand… either… nor even a glass of water… not until we had first climbed up… and then down the yama…!

My Papa always expected me to climb up the yama… all by myself… where… when we reached the top… when the night sky… was full of twinkling stars… full of awe… and wonder… holding hands… we would wait… to watch the spectacular rising of the sun… together… in the beautiful Land Of The Rising Sun… a Glorious Spectacle… of God’s Magnificent Creation… like nowhere else on earth…

But on the downward trip… he would reward me… by lifting me up onto his shoulders… And I would be so happy and proud… to have pleased him… that I felt like crowing my head off… sitting there on top of the world… holding tightly onto his curly golden head... For those early… pre-dawn exercises… followed by morning hikes… were always our very special… precious times… alone together...

Knowing that Papa was there… on that day of American Independence… loudly cheering me on… at the sidelines… expecting me to easily win the race… reminded me of the last time I had let him down… when he expected me… at the age of about five and a half… to swim automatically… like a fish… after suddenly throwing me off his shoulders… into the deep Pacific Ocean… during an outing with him… and my new Auntie Xenia… at the popular beach at Hommoku Point…

And how furious… and disgusted he had become… when I… totally unprepared… startled and shocked… instantly sank straight to the bottom… like a stone… instead…!

In a towering rage… he had yanked me up by my hair… spluttering and choking... then… as punishment… forced me to lie in the scorching sun… for the rest of that day… with no food to eat… or water to drink...!

And as a result… I had suffered dehydration… sun stroke… and a horrible third degree sunburn… all over my body… my snow-white tender skin… turning as red as a lobster...

Papa and Mummie were estranged by then… and he was happily living with his brand new love… Xenia… and on that occasion… had gotten Mummie's permission… to have me spend the day with them… at the beach...

And as Papa unceremoniously… and contemptuously… dumped me back on my mother's doorstep that evening… my face and body bright red... my lips turning bluish-purple… my whole body shivering uncontrollably… in agony... Mummie… at the horrible sight… of her youngest daughter's pitiful condition… had become extremely enraged… at her husband…

"You monster…" … she screamed… "Look what you've done to little Tzi-Tzi...!" … and furious at his careless… callous neglect of me… her jet-black eyes glaring at him with hatred... her beautiful face now twisted into a grimace of horror... her usually regally cool… calm bearing… abandoned... outraged... her ferocious Italian blood… boiled in her veins...

And... before anybody knew what was happening… she had whipped out the gun… kept in the hallway table drawer… and shot at him..! She had tried to aim for his heart… but because she was trembling with fury… she missed… and fortunately for him… only grazed his arm instead...

Papa had recoiled… astonished… very surprised and taken aback… by his wife's unexpected… vicious attack… and holding onto his bleeding arm… had left hurriedly… to rejoin his beloved Xenia… who was waiting for him… sitting in the car… trembling… fearful that his hysterical wife… might take another shot at him… and this time not miss… doing him grievous bodily harm… or maybe even kill him…!

I remember being rushed to the hospital… and how the doctor had smeared my body all over… with cooling… soothing calamine lotion… before bandaging me from head to toe… just like an Egyptian mummie…!

And what sheer agony I went through… when the itching started… with poor Suzuki… my ever faithful… dearly loved amah… doing her very best… to distract me from scratching… as the huge blisters on my skin… began to dry up… and start peeling… all over my body...

Papa… feeling guilty… and remorseful… had sheepishly sent me a gramophone… and a number of records... And whenever I started to scratch… Suzuki would race over to it... frantically wind it up... and play one of the records of our very special favorite songs… such as "The Music Goes Round And Round..." where… whenever it came to the part: "...and it comes out here" … I would giggle… because it reminded me of the happy times… when Papa used to tickle me… relentlessly and ferociously… on the word "here..." … making me gasp… the tears of laughter… rolling down my cheeks...

Or our other favorite…: "Hallelujah I'm A Bum..." …which we used to sing together… his rich tenor… and my soprano voice… blending in beautiful harmony together… with him accompanying us… on his Spanish guitar...

These wonderfully happy… carefree times… between Papa and myself… his "darling Nadia" … took place… before Xenia came into his life… when everything changed so abruptly… the advent of this new… neurotic… possessive… insecure woman… who soon was to become my stepmother… spoiling forever… the very special close bond… that had existed between us...

Beginning with very quickly insisting… that he no longer call me by his favorite name for me… fully aware… in her jealousy and resentment… that "Nadia" … happened to be a Russian name… being her own nationality… she slyly reminded him… that it was only proper… that he call me by the Italian name… "Graziella" … chosen first by the Italian woman… who had given birth to me… now that there was possibly some very real doubt… that I was actually his daughter… by blood! (Naturally… I knew nothing of that part of her speculation… at the time...)

Now… today… on the American Day of Independence… as I held the little American flag… clutched tightly in my hand… wanting only to lie down and die - it seemed as if my heart had taken complete control… of my entire body - I managed to dredge up… from somewhere deep inside me… one last ounce of strength… and courage... determined to overcome this sudden… most unusual… overwhelming and frightening… lurch/hammering of the heart… this awful… quickly draining of strength affliction... and to win the race...

With superhuman effort… seeing that the other runners… were gaining up on me… I desperately prayed for the strength needed… to be able to finish the race… and by the Grace of God alone… somehow ran all the way back… winning by I know not how many lengths… because… just as I reached the starting point... first in line... amid all the cheering… and applause… and shouts of "Bravo"... something gave way inside me... and my knees buckling... I fainted dead away... just as my prize… a darling little red satin-lined sewing box… its cover encrusted with sparkling gems… of all colors of the rainbow… was thrust into my hands..!

When I came to… lying on the ground… the first person I saw was Papa… and the disgusted look on his face… was exactly the same… as on the day I disappointed him… at the beach…

And in a towering rage… he snatched my precious prize… still clutched in my hands… and threw it on the ground… stomping on it… crushing it to smithereens… at the same time shouting at me… derisively… about how I had shamed him… in front of all his colleagues… by showing such weakness… in front of everybody… by fainting dead away…!

Unable to bear his wrath… feeling the awful weight of my lurch/hammering heart… barely able to get a breath… I enraged him further… by fainting again…

And when I regained consciousness… the second time… was very surprised… to find myself lying on a hard surface… in a doctor's office..! Papa was there… and I could see by his face… that he was still seething with anger...

And as soon as he saw that my eyes were open… he gave me a derisive… piercing stare... wanting me to see how thoroughly disgusted he was with me... totally ignoring the fact… that I was still fighting for every breath... and that all I could do… was continue to lie there… panting… clearly distressed… and bewildered… by the continuing… frightening… lurch/hammering of my heart...

There were no words of sympathy… or concern… forthcoming from him… none whatsoever… only scathing words… voicing his bitter disdain...

Glaring down at me… he subjected me to a lengthy… shouting tirade… about how everybody at the Country Club… had been witness… to seeing the shameful spectacle of a daughter of his… collapse in public... What a dishonor... what humiliation... he raged... and with him… the father… standing right there in plain sight… to see his athletic daughter… "lose face" … in such a disgraceful manner...!

Ranting and raving at me non-stop… as I lay there… on the uncomfortable hard surface… fighting for every breath… much too weak to move even a limb… I knew that he would never let me live my shame down… not as long as I lived...

In my hitherto lifelong… blind admiration of him… it never once dawned on me… how it could be… that my very own father… was exhibiting such heartless cruelty... more concerned with his false sense of betrayal… than with my own life-threatening well-being… callously ignoring my extreme suffering...!

Then… as rotten luck would have it… just as the English doctor… entered the room… my heart suddenly stopped pounding… and my physical strength was somewhat restored…!

So that when he tried to induce another one of those particularly frightening… lurching kind of heartbeats… by making me bend up and down… vigorously... all to no avail... Papa had become very impatient… sneering with derision… when no amount of bending… or stretching… would bring on another “heart attack”..!

When the doctor told Papa… after examining my heart… astonished that he could barely find a heartbeat… that he found it advisable… that I give up all kinds of physical exercise… in the immediate future… at least for a little while… suggesting that the attacks might cease… if I were not that physically active in sports… Papa had snorted..:

"Nonsense… she's my daughter… strong as an ox… no puny weakling...! I have been training her… ever since she was three years old… And I simply refuse to have her turn into a sissy… I shall get a second opinion… from another doctor...!"

And… taking me by the arm… he practically yanked it out of its socket… and promptly marched me out of the startled doctor's office… without a by your leave...

Papa never took me to see another physician… simply refusing to accept my strange affliction… that had no name… especially since the doctor had been somewhat puzzled… remarking that my attack… could have possibly been caused by a glandular disorder… or perhaps by my obvious accelerated physical growth - already two inches in the past eight months - and would probably cease… once I reached my full height...

But he was wrong… for I continued to suffer the instantly debilitating heart palpitations… through the years… and even after I had stopped growing… reaching five feet ten and a half inches… by the age of fifteen… half an inch taller than Papa… and six feet two… by the age of forty-two… and even to this very day… suffering them daily now… with heart medications… no longer of any help…

And it was my fate… to have to wait another twenty more years… before my chronic condition… was finally medically diagnosed… while I happened to be in a doctor’s office… on another medical matter… when an attack suddenly came on… in his presence… as "paroxysmal tachycardia" …!

Meanwhile… my life… from that first day on… became a living hell of torment...

First… whenever I spent my school vacations… with Papa and Xenia… then… when we were all living together… on a daily basis… under the same roof… with Papa either completely ignoring my sudden panting… or jeering at me… uttering scathing… denigrating remarks… every time I had an attack…

And he would revel in taunting me… telling me that it was just my way… of getting some attention… reminding me of the day I had fallen down the stairs… as a baby… when… noticing how much attention… it had gotten me… I had deliberately started to throw myself down the stairs… practically every day… thereafter! (That stupidity caused me to weaken even more… the congenital spinal condition… in my lower back… which I had been born with…)

These most unpleasant heart palpitations… averaged about two a week… usually lasting half an hour… always unpredictable… attacking me any time… and anywhere... even without being preceded… by any physical exertion..!

And my reaction to them… was always the same…: I simply had to lie down… as soon as possible… for at the slightest onslaught… I could feel the strength… rapidly draining away… from my body...

But as soon as an attack was over… Papa would expect me to get back up on my feet again… and pronto...! And all my pleas… to please let me rest… just for a little while longer… would fall on deaf ears...

He would adamantly tolerate no weaklings… under his roof… and expected me to "exercise mind over matter"… like the Christian Scientists did… which religious scientific thought… he had been dabbling in… off and on… for the past few years…!

In desperation… realizing that Papa was not about to ever give me any sympathy… and might even cause my death… with his most harsh… unrelenting treatment… I decided to hide the attacks from him… becoming quite adept… at learning to conceal… the sudden enervating onslaught… from everybody else… as well… going on about four and a half years now… learning to keep the attacks to myself… hiding my agitated state… as best I could...

I was ever fearful… that Papa would see the pounding of my heart… through my clothes… before I managed to ask to be excused… from the dining table… or the living room… usually on the pretext… that I had some homework to do - we always had to first ask permission… to leave a room…

Even though I knew that I was deceiving him… I reasoned… that If Papa was not aware… that I was having a heart palpitation attack… I could have the precious extra time… needed so desperately… to rest my greatly weakened body...

Feeling very sad… I would slowly trudge up the steep thirty-seven steps… as if I was climbing Mount Everest... and having finally reached the top of the stairs… with my last belabored breath… I would stagger… panting… into the bedroom… that Prima and I shared together… sink onto our shared… soft king size bed... and give myself up totally… to my Heavenly Father… Whom I loved… and trusted… with all my heart and soul… and with every fiber of my being…

And as I lay there… thoroughly drained of strength… feeling as if I was dying… I could Feel Him Lovingly Cradling me… In His Arms…

And I patiently waited… for His Will… to be Done unto me... “knowing” deep inside me… that… in my lonely suffering… I deserved what was happening to me… and that I was paying off… some enormous Karmic Debt… that I had reaped… in some previous lifetime...!

I also surrendered to Him… my perpetual longing… to see the different countries… I had heard so much about… over the years… from my International friends… at the ISY… intrigued to learn more about their different cultures… and traditions… resigned to the possibility… that that might never happen… for in my thoroughly weakened state… my Heavenly Father Might Decide to end my suffering… by simply letting me expire in His Loving Arms…

CHAPTER NINE

“AS YE DO UNTO OTHERS… SO SHALL IT BE DONE UNTO YOU…!”

This was confirmed for me… by my husband’s ex wife… Luzilla… who was extremely psychic… when I was in my 13th year… of the Glory of the Miracle of SUBUD… my final Heavenly Path… for Spiritual Growth… and Development… after years and years of searching…

Luzilla’s husband… Farlan… had sent her to me… because he refused to grant her the divorce… she kept asking him for… not until he Received his own Guidance… from Allah Almighty God… that It Was His Will… that he should do so…

Upon which I reassured her… that she had come to the right place… because I knew all about disobeying God’s Will… regarding marriage… for I myself had done so… running away from my difficult to live with… moody husband… not just once… but three times… the childish man-child… whom my Heavenly Father Had Commanded me to marry… in my 6th year in SUBUD… when I was 37…

And how I had always been Brought back to him… by Being Commanded to do so… by my Heavenly Father… Telling me… that there was only one place on earth… for me… and that was beside my husband… even from as far away as South Africa… having left him… the last time… on a trimaran… floating somewhere… in the Caribbean sea…!

Upon which Luzilla responded… by informing me… that God Had Had Nothing To Do… with her marrying her husband… who was very much younger than she was… but that it had been entirely through her own intentions… and influencing of him…

Whereupon… realizing that her situation… was nothing like mine… I told her about our SUBUD Sister… the International Hungarian movie star… Ilaina Bartok… who was charmingly trying to get me to join her… in Hawaii… and would she surrender to Allah Almighty God… with me… to get some Guidance from Him… about the matter…

She readily agreed… but then started to focus a great deal of attention… on my right arm… which was in a cast… at the time… yet again… and yet again… afflicted with tendonitis..!

(That incredible experience… of a Miraculous Deliverance… from being killed outright… when I fell down… head first… down a steep outdoor staircase… to the cement floor below… is fully described… in the sequel to this book…)

And noticing Luzilla’s intent concentration… I found myself opening up to her… about the curious fact… that I seemed to injure my right arm… frequently… through tripping… and falling down… from my great height… of now six foot two… resulting in tendonitis… requiring casts to be wrapped around it… for months at a time… just like it now was… during her visit to my apartment… that day…

And as I expressed my wonderment to her… she began to Receive strange images… about me… and my mother… telling me that she had something important to tell me… after our surrender together… to Allah Almighty God…

During our worship… of the One God… in the Latihan Kejiwaan of SUBUD… I Received that I would be “foolish” … and “hungry” … if I went to Hawaii… to join Ilaina Bartok… and my SUBUD Sister Luzilla… Received that I would be going to Hawaii… but not alone… but with my future husband… either deliberately omitting to tell me… that the man she was talking about… would actually be her own husband…! … or not having Received that fact…

(That was a most unique SUBUD union of marriage… my very last… between him and myself… which was largely Inner to Inner… Forbidden to relate to each other… from our hearts… and which was Perfectly Orchestrated… Directed… and Guided… by Almighty Allah…

A very unique bond… which lasted for seven incredibly interesting years… until my first Allah-Willed Stroke… when I was 52… which kept me bedridden… for a further seven years… suffering one Stroke after another…

And during which time… I was Commanded… to begin writing my epics…

All also fully detailed… in my sequel to this book… my Spiritual odyssey… “FROM SEVEN HELLS… TO SEVENTH HEAVEN… SUBUD…”)

When our worship was over… with both of us feeling very quiet… and at peace… within ourselves… Luzilla began to tell me… that my right arm… was particularly connected… to my mother… and that I had used it against her… in a very bad way… in a previous incarnation…!

And she unfolded for me… a fascinating episode… of a lifetime… in ancient Roman times… when my mother and I were fervent Christians… and how my faith had been very strong… while jam-packed in a dungeon… with many other Christians… even knowing… that our terrible fate… was to be killed by lions… in the great Colosseum of Rome…!

And how I encouraged everybody… imprisoned with me… to have courage… and be strong of heart… and faith… trying to comfort them… reassuring them… that in only just a little while… we would all be with Jesus and God… in Heaven…

But… when my mother and I were roughly pushed… into the huge arena… by Roman guards… and I saw the ferocious lions… with their mouths all bloody… from having attacked previous victims… my strong faithful heart of courage… suddenly failed me… and I became so ly afraid… that I pushed my mother… in front of me… with my right arm… to be devoured… by the lions first… before me…!

And because I had done… such a terrible thing… I had reaped a karmic debt… which would involve… my right arm… and also my heart… which had lost courage… and faith… !

And that is why I had suffered the physical heart affliction… all my life… and why there was no sympathy for me… at all… from others… when they saw me suffering… with heart palpitations…!

Not until during my first SUBUD marriage… in my third year in SUBUD… when for the very first time… in my life… I was given the tender loving sympathy… and loving concern… that I had always yearned for… from my husband… when he witnessed one of the attacks… for the first time…!!!

It was right after I returned from the hospital… visiting a terminally ill friend… who was deathly afraid to die… helping him with his transition… to the Glorious Afterlife… (That Miraculous Experience… is also fully detailed… in “FROM SEVEN HELLS…”)

Luzilla’s revelation was astonishing… for I had long kept my heart affliction… a secret… from others… except for doctors… as much as possible… suffering in silence… and now understood perfectly… why… from the very beginning… when they first started… when I was about seven… Papa had been so indifferent about them… giving me no sympathy… whatsoever…!

And I also finally understood… why my mother… whom I had always worshipped… and adored… could never truly love… or trust me… although because of our long thirteen years of separation… from each other… I was blissfully unaware… of her distasteful… bare tolerance of me…!

And it wasn’t until I got her Gloriouly “Opened…” and “Awakened…” into SUBUD… when I was 33… and she was 55… that she Was Made to openly confess to me… by Almighty God… how much I had always been a repugnant thorn… in her side…!

(There is much more about our strange love/hate relationship… in my sequel to this book…)

Whereas I began paying my karmic “heart debt” … at a very early age… my “right arm debt” … did not begin… until my second SUBUD marriage…when I was 37… in my 6th year in SUBUD… having Received to divorce my alcoholic husband…

(Those turbulent relationships… of first living a Hellish life… with a French/Dutch… bon vivant… hotelier alcoholic… in marriage… for three years… and then with a moody French/Canadian… also for three years… and how I left him… being my third husband… three times… are also fully described… in “FROM SEVEN HELLS…”)

CHAPTER TEN

PAPA’S UNEXPECTED… RARE ACTS OF KINDNESS…!

Sitting propped up against the smelly sack… on the Chinese junk… still feeling full of doom and gloom… I found myself agonizing over the fact… that I had become such a huge disappointment to Papa… feeling so guilty and ashamed - in my blind… ignorant adoration of him… never once contemplating the fact that he… whom I admired so much… was treating me… his youngest daughter… so unfairly… and so cruelly… and that he could not possibly love me… after all..!

I kept reminding myself… how the doctor had hinted… that the heart attacks would cease… once I was fully grown… and I longed for that day… when I would be fully restored… into Papa Rau's good graces again… vowing fervently to myself… that I would make it all up to him… I would become the olympic champion… of his secretly darling Nadia… some day… even if it killed me..!

And as the awful heart palpitations continued… on a regular basis… finally forcing me… to give up all my favorite sports… I was in despair... falling into a deep state of depression… so unhappy… that the day came… when I was even barely able… to eat my food… which was usually never a problem for me… because I had such a voracious appetite… always hungry… as I kept growing… and growing…

Until Papa surprised me… one day… by unexpectedly coming home… in the middle of the afternoon... He was carrying a bulky package… under his arm… and as we happened to accidentally meet each other… on the Mount Everest stairs - he on his way up… and I on my way down - coming abreast of each other… without looking at me… he had abruptly thrust the brown parcel… which was large and heavy… into my hands… with a curt: "For you!" … nearly making me lose my balance...

Startled and puzzled… I had sat down hard on the step… clutching the mysterious parcel… close to my chest… then eaten up with curiosity… had unwrapped the paper covering… then and there...

And… bowled over with delight… was amazed to see two brand new books… "The Prince and the Pauper" … by Mark Twain… and "Goodnight Sweet Prince" … being the biography… of none other than one of the greatest Shakespearean actors of all time… Papa's look-alike… John Barrymore...!

As I marvelled at the profile portrait of the great man… so identical to Theodore Rau’s… very moved… and with tears stinging my eyes… I had looked up the staircase to thank Papa… but he had already disappeared around the landing...

I was deeply touched - what a strange unpredictable man… Papa Rau was… exercising so much harsh discipline… upon me… for weeks… and months… on end… then exhibiting such a loving… complete turnaround gesture of kindness...!

Holding the two precious books… in my hands… I was reminded of the first time… besides all the silk kimonos… from his import/export business empire… that Papa had given me a gift… for no rhyme… or reason…:

He happened to be away… in New York at the time… on a business trip… and I had contracted chicken pox… forced to spend endless weeks… in quarantine… with Miss MacLean… our elderly Canadian math teacher… in her house…

I remember the morning very well - I was about six and a half at the time… and my body was itching all over… like crazy… from the ugly red spots...

And as I sat on my bed… exasperated… trying very hard not to scratch myself… the door suddenly opened… and in walked Miss MacLean… beaming… with a great big parcel in her hands… It was postmarked New York… and I got very excited… and practically ripped the paper covering off… in my eagerness to see what Papa had obviously sent me...

And could hardly believe my eyes… when I beheld… not just one present… but two… one being a large flattish box… and the other what looked like a miniature sea-going trunk..!

Dying of curiosity… my maddening itching… totally forgotten for the moment… I pulled the lid off the box… and oohed… and aahed… with pleasure… to see rows and rows… of chocolate brown lollipop sticks… all shaped just like golf balls…!

And when I opened up the doors of the silvery trunk… there… to my delight… standing in one side of it… was a genuine Shirley Temple doll… dressed in an outfit… from one of her movies… complete with her trademark curly… golden ringlets… and adorable dimples…!

And in the other side… there was a complete replica wardrobe… of more outfits… from all the movies Shirley Temple… had starred in… her dresses hanging up neatly on a rail… Even darling little pairs of shoes… and sandals… were standing side by side… in little shoe racks underneath the dresses! And underneath the platform… three drawers… in which were her underwear… and other accessories… neatly folded…

I was so thrilled… to get such unexpected wonderful gifts… from Papa… overseas - I had been so fearful… that he would be very annoyed… that I had finally become ill… with my very first disease… for one of his favorite sayings was…:

“If you’re physically fit… you’ll never get sick…!”

which he believed… with all his heart… bragging that he had never been sick… a day in his life…!

And I had been expecting a scathing letter from him... chiding me jeeringly… for being so weak… as to contract such a stupid disease… as Chicken Pox…

From ever since I could remember… from my earliest years… when he undertook to personally… and vigorously train me… physically… he had been so proud… always boasting… that his darling little Nadia… never had colic… whooping cough… or any of the other babyhood illnesses… no siree… not his little darling…

And here… out of the blue… had come these beautiful presents… and even with a Get Well card… saying… in his own handwriting…: "To My Darling Nadia" … signed "Regards From Your Papa..."!

Then there had been that other time… after Papa took me to see my very first Deanna Durbin movie… "100 Men and a Girl" (#1709 of the Little Cilandak Video Library) … when I was about eight going on nine... And I had thrilled… every time she sang… loving the rich… clear… bell-like timbre… of her beautiful voice… remarkably like my own… I was told by Papa…!

And… from his very next trip abroad… he had come home… with a special album of her records for me… with her smiling face… from scenes in her movies… featured in a charming round portrait… in the middle of every record... And I had been so deeply touched… to have been remembered… and so specially by him… during his long absence...

And now these unexpected books… just as I was wondering… about taking up reading… in earnest… since I could no longer lose myself gloriously… in my favorite sports...

Papa must have finally accepted… the irreversible fact… that my athletic days… were over for good… and that I would never become… the world class athletic champion… that he had so long hoped for… ever since he first thoroughly examined my body… as a baby… making remarks to his young wife Vera… about the extraordinariness… of my already exceptionally long legs… and arms… and fingers… a perfect specimen for athletics… that he was going to train… as soon as I was able to walk…!

And as far as my crossed eyes were concerned… he would soon fix that… And he did… by patiently… and carefully focusing… all his attention… on exercising my eyes… until they were no longer crossed… taking him about a month… before he was satisfied… that I had perfect eyesight… before I was a year old…!

(I found out about all of Papa’s plans for me… when my mother enlightened me… when I was in my mid thirties… about how much Papa had loved me… patiently making it his business… to cure my crossed eyes… and vowing to train me… as a world class athlete… ever since he first laid eyes on me… when I was about three months old…)

And gazing down at my precious gifts of books… I decided then and there… at the age of ten and a half… that somehow… Papa did love me after all… even though he never said so… nor did he ever express any real… physical affection… towards me…

Aside from riding on his shoulders… when I was little… either when we climbed our yamas together… or when we went to the Japanese "Yuya" communal baths… together… in the evenings… when I was a tyke… I could not ever remember… being hugged tightly… to his chest… in a loving embrace… nor ever having been kissed by him… on my cheek… or anywhere else…

For years now… ever since Xenia had come into his life… when I was about five… about a year before he and Mummie divorced… the only times I felt his hands… was when I wasn't fast enough for him… and he would give me a playful whack… on my bottom… at the same time saying…: “Allez-op..." … chastising me for being such a slow-poke...

And I… in turn… trusting him completely… would invariably turn around… giggle... and as our eyes met… in a secret affectionate language… all our very own... we both would laugh our private little laugh... then impulsively explode… with a…:

"Nov shmoz kapop...!" …

in unison - which was the favorite expression… of our mutually favorite cartoon character… "The Little King" … and which had become our very own special… secret saying...

This brief moment of shared intimacy… would invariably disgruntle Xenia… who hated being made to feel left out… and she would glare at me… with undisguised resentment… at her beloved Theo's rare display of affection… towards his youngest daughter...

She would whine pettily… and poor Papa would feel guilty… and I would once again… become the brunt of his angry frustration… at always being forced to choose… between his beloved wife… and in the deepest recesses of his heart... his secretly precious… "darling Nadia"...

CHAPTER ELEVEN

“AH HA…! THE DEVIL MADE YOU DO IT…!”

Then the black day came… about a year ago… when Papa… overhearing me Praising my Heavenly Father… out loud… in song… when I thought myself to be all alone… had become inordinately jealous… for he could hear… by the tone of my voice… how fervently I loved Him… and he embarked on yet another idea… to torment me… deciding cruelly… to work on undermining my precious faith… in my Beloved God… in the following manner..:

In entering my adolescent phase… prematurely… during the past year… when I was about ten and a half years old… and five foot six tall… I became very clumsy… feeling very awkward… and self-conscious… about the obvious signs… of my developing female form... which often made me feel unsure of myself… and off balance...

For instance… of a sudden… objects held in my hand… such as chinaware… as I was doing my duty… of laying out the dinner table… would slip through my fingers... and crash to the floor… shattering to pieces...

And Papa would choose to use these incidents… to his advantage… and instead of getting angry with me… which was his normal reaction… when I displeased him… rebuking me with sharp words… he would decide… perversely… to taunt me… by pouncing on me… startling me out my wits… pointing his finger at the mess I had made… and gleefully crowing..:

"Ah ha… the devil made you do it..!"

The first time it happened… I had reacted so startled… at this sudden turnaround of his… shocked down to my toes… that I found it very hard to believe… that my very own father… could be so diabolical...! This was an exceptionally mean… sadistic… dark side of him… I had never seen before…

But as the days wore on… and he never missed an opportunity… to cruelly taunt… and tease me… with the devil… even when I suddenly had difficulty… in tying my shoelaces properly… and I became extremely nervous… and started to believe… that perhaps I had somehow slipped into the hands… and control… of Satan… and thus having fallen… from the Divine Grace… of my Heavenly Father… had gradually sunk to feeling… that I no longer had any right… to confide in Him… as I had been doing… ever since I could remember..!

This dreadful… worthless feeling inside me… lasted until we left Japan… when overnight… it seemed… Papa abruptly stopped taunting me… with the devil...

And to my great relief… my strong faith in God… was instantly restored… and I felt even more Blissfully Worthy… feeling like one of His Cherished daughters… once again..!

CHAPTER TWELVE

A VERY UNIQUE… JAPANESE BABYHOOD…!

Trying to cheer myself up… in that pitch black… “Hell Hole of China…” … I thought of my earliest memory… of happy existence… in this life… as a three year old… living in Kobe… Japan… where I promptly and easily made friends… not only with the children of my father’s business associates and employees… but with all the Nipponese children in the village… as well… adjacent to the street… at the end of which our large European-style house… made of brick… and complete with modern plumbing… stood…

Since I spoke fluent Hiragana… (the language of the upper-classes) … already in Peking… as a two year old… without ever yet having stepped foot on Japanese soil… and without ever having been taught…! … I was instantly and naturally accepted… as one of them… and was welcome… in every single wood-and-paper house...

My friends' parents always treated me… as one of the family… and I was forever invited to sit down on the "tatami" (woven straw floor mat) … upon which a low table stood… and partake of their delicious Japanese delicacies… such as "sushi"… (filled rice rolls encased in sheets of edible "nori" (seaweed)… "sashimi" (raw tuna fish) … “komekeki” (salty rice cakes) … “O Sembei” (rice and sesame seed crackers) … and other culinary delights…

It quickly became a habit for me… to run from house t