Chapter 1
The Momentous Advent... Into My Life... At The Tender Age Of Five... Of Neurotic "Auntie Xenia"... Being The Second Grownup... European Female...!

Sitting on the train... headed for the port city of Nagasaki... the further away from Yokohama... we were travelling... it hit me... more and more... that we were actually leaving... nay... "escaping" the country... and without official permission...!

And not wanting to get all nervous and jittery... about what that really meant... fearful of yet another one of those strange... debilitating heart attacks... coming on... I decide to distract myself... by reminiscing further... about my ten years... of growing up in my beloved... fascinating Nippon... Land Of The Rising Sun...!

During one of his frequent business trips abroad... to the cosmopolitan metropolis of Shanghai... Papa met the ultimate love of his life... Xenia... at a dance club... where she was employed... as a taxi dancer...!

She and her older sister... were living there... as Russian refugees... having moved away from Harbin... in Northern China... to where her father... renowned General Bogoluboff... of the White Russian army... and loyal to Tsar Nicholas... had fled to... with his two daughters... when the Bolsheviks... had defeated his regiment... ultimately imprisoning... then executing the Tsar... and his family... and overrunning his beloved country... Mother Russia...

I had just passed my fifth birthday... when the hitherto generally peaceful atmosphere... of our home - as far as I was concerned - was tumbled... into violent upheaval... by the appearance... on our doorstep... one afternoon... of Papa Rau... with a strange lady on his arm... whom he... beaming with pleasure... promptly introduced to me... as my new "Auntie Xenia...!"

"And this is my darling Nadia...!"

... he had announced proudly... looking down at me... smiling broadly... making me think... that I had never before... seen him look so happy...!

Neither did I know... that this would be the very last time... I would hear him call me... by that very special name of his... that he had chosen for me... as soon as he laid eyes on me... at about two months old... in my bassinet... in the Turin family palazzo... in Italy...

I had smiled in greeting... stepped forward... curtsied... and politely taken the lady's limp hand in mine... like I had been taught to do... instinctively understanding... that Papa wanted very much... to impress this strange lady... by letting her see... how well-behaved his children were... beginning with his youngest daughter... who happened to be the first... to emerge from his house... with the intention... of playing in the garden...

But as I looked up into her face... seeing how forced... and artificial... her own smile was... I suddenly instinctively "knew"... deep down inside me... that this odd looking lady... did not care for children at all - in fact... that she felt very uncomfortable around them...!

And... as I realized this truth... for the very first time in my life... I felt as if I had grown in age... and wisdom... and "knew"... with a certainty... that I could not explain... or deny... that her soul... was very narrow... and shallow... which understanding... made me feel strangely... as if I was the mother... and she the child...!

And with a wrenching... painful stab... in my heart... I realized that my carefree... happy babyhood... with my adored Papa... was suddenly... and definitely... now over with...!

Not long after that momentous encounter... a precursor of events... that would change my life enormously... I recall how... once again... I overheard Prima telling Mummie... about Papa bringing this strange Russian woman... to the house... proudly wanting her... to meet his three children...

And how Mummie... becoming very angry... had told her twelve year old daughter... Prima... that she had agreed to Papa's bringing his mistress... back with him to Japan... and setting her up in a house... since it had long been obvious to both of them... that their marriage was dead... but with the ultimatum... that the children were never... ever... to meet her... for she did not want them to become confused... and upset...

And how Papa... agreeing wholeheartedly... with his wife's reasoning... had promised her... to keep his mistress... and the children... apart from one another...

Needless to say... there had been a heated confrontation that night... between Mummie and Papa... with Mummie finally ordering Papa... to pack his bags... and get out of the house... for good... and go and live with his Russian whore...!

And even though the atmosphere in our home... was filled with a palpable heavy pall... after he left... I could not help but feel sorry for Papa - poor man... he obviously had wanted to show off his children... to this new "Auntie Xenia"... at whose side... he had looked so happy and pleased... with her arm firmly tucked under his... so proud at how beautiful... and well-mannered... his children were... hoping that they... in turn... would approve of her... and love her as much as he did...

The upshot of Papa's and Mummie's angry blow-up... was that they had both finally agreed... that it would be better... all round... for them to get divorced from each other... since neither of them wanted their children... to have to cope with the confusion... of living in two households... Mummie saying that she hoped the divorce... would not be too traumatic... for little Tzi-Tzi... being barely five years old...!

Chapter 2
Only Six Years... With A Mostly Absentee Mother...! ... And Yet How Well She Prepared Me For Life... On One Single... Unforgettable Night...!

Sitting in my treetop... talking to my beloved Angel Friends... I found myself wondering... to Them... why I had clung so closely... to my adored Mummie... whom I rarely saw... during the six years... I daily had her in my life...!

With her always palming me off... to various village Amahs... to be taken care of... while she went off to the YCAC... to play her favorite game of tennis... during the day...

And with her husband gone abroad on business trips... for weeks on end... she would go back to the Club... in the evenings... to dance the night away... in the arms of her many admirers...

And every time... she would come... to say Goodnight to me... before leaving for the Club... I would thrill... at the sight of her... standing in the bedroom doorway... so exquisitely beautiful... and so regal in bearing... her exceptionally tall... slim body... swathed in yet another expensive evening gown of silk... or satin... and I would delight in the sparkle of her jewels...

And I would inhale... the heady scent of her delicate perfume... wafting towards me... as she bent her head gracefully... saying in that soft... lilting... Italian accent of hers...:

"Good night Tzi-Tzi darling... and I wish you a very pleasant time... on your visit to God... in Heaven...!"

I was so enthralled... and enchanted... by my adored Mummie's imperious... regal beauty... that it never once occurred to me to wonder... why she never came up to me... to tuck me in... and kiss me Goodnight... but always just stood in the doorway of the bedroom... I shared with my six year older sister... Prima...!

Of course... there were the first two years... of living in Peking... with just Mummie and Papa... where I had her all to myself... but alas... I have no memory of my time with them there... which my mother has told me... was very cozy and happy... with Papa... so smitten... and enchanted with me... his Darling Nadia... that he rarely went away on business trips...!

Was I so attached to her... because... deep down... I knew that I would not have her in my life for long... during my all important formative years...?

Recalling those six precious years... hardly spent with my mother... whom I had always loved... and adored... with all my heart... reminded me... of how well she had prepared me... to think for myself... on just a few rare occasions... helping me to become an independent human being... who ultimately would be able to stand on her own two feet... in this quixotic... crazy world...

For instance... I remember well how... from a very early age... whenever I did something... that caused her disapproval... of my actions... after she had told me not to do it... and I invariably asked... tossing my head of curly golden curls... defiantly...:

"Why not?"

She would never respond with a sharp...:

"Because your Mummie said so...!"

But she would always say instead..:

"Tzi-Tzi tell Mummie... why she shouldn't do it...!"

Thus... my very wise mother... barely in her early twenties... asking me to think for myself... would immediately make me feel... as if my opinion... counted for something... making me feel more grown-up... as if she was talking to an intelligent person... on her own level...!

And it was as if she was letting me know... that she had complete faith in me... trusting that I would give her an intelligent... reasonable answer... for my misbehavior... as young as I was...!

And it wasn't long... before I had completely stopped acting... by and large... on rash impulse alone... eager to avoid her disapproval... resorting instead... to thinking long and hard... before an intended action... delighted to see... how it pleased her...

And I firmly believed... in my heart... that my mother was showing... how much she not only loved me... but respected me... as well... which realization... made my heart swell with love for her... more than ever before...

Although... sad to say... once my mother... was out of my life... true to my astrological sign of Aries... I resorted to the usual willful... headlong impulsiveness... of the ram... which always led to my downfall... foolishly and stubbornly convinced... that it was far more exciting... to act on impulse... than to carefully pre-think an intended action first... which stupidly giving into... had ultimately brought me a great deal of unhappiness... as I grew older... and as the years passed by...

Until the Miraculous Grace... of following the True Spiritual Way of Life... called SUBUD... came into my life... when I was in my thirty-first year... which Way... gradually helped... in curbing my altogether rampant... detrimental... independent willfulness... and impulsiveness... which turbulent life... as I grew older... is fully described... in the sequel to this book... titled... "From Seven Hells... To Seventh Heaven... SUBUD..."... which is currently being re-edited... for the very last time... although PARTS   I to III... are ready to be read... on this Holy Website... "SUBUD Stories..."...

Getting back to my first precious six years... with my mother... I remember vividly... on yet another occasion... when she made me think for myself...

I must have been about five and a half years old... with my beloved Papa... gone for good... to live with his new love... Xenia... at the time... when Mummie delighted me one day... by telling me... out of the blue... that she had decided to take me with her... to the next Saturday Night Club Dance... at the YCAC...!

And she thrilled me further... by asking... how would I like to go shopping with her... that very afternoon... to buy some nice evening clothes... an elegant new gown for herself... and my very own party dress - my very first - to wear to the unexpected special occasion...!

With Papa Rau no longer living with us... I remember how different my Mummie was... much lighter and happier... and I was so thrilled... to have so much rare singular attention... lavished on me... and that for the very first time in my life... she would actually be taking me shopping with her...! Instead of always sending me off with my Amah... with instructions to her... on what to buy for me...!

I looked forward... to spending hours and hours... in different stores... trying on many beautiful dresses... but to my chagrin... she had taken one look... at the very first dress shown to her - and said...:

"Look Tzi-Tzi darling... it matches perfectly the blue of your eyes...!"

And turning to the beaming saleslady... she briskly said..:

"We'll take it...!"

And I had thought... with a sinking heart...:

"Oh no... our very first... wonderful afternoon of shopping together... can't possibly be over with... not so soon...!"

And I was glumly disappointed... that there were to be no long... exciting hours... of going from store to store... looking at the fabulous displays of clothes - I was forever dressing up in Mummie's beautiful... grown-up evening gowns... trying on her hats... and high-heeled evening shoes... preening in front of her mirror... wishing I were already a grown up...

But I was wrong... because finding the perfect shoes... to match my sky blue... frilly party dress... took all afternoon... so that I did get to see an awful lot of dresses... and hats... and shoes... shoes... shoes... until I thought I could not bear for another shoe clerk... to take off my shoe... and put on my foot... yet another glittering evening sandal...

Beside myself with excitement... and happiness... I could hardly wait for Saturday night to come... and I remember how sl..o..o..wly... that week had dragged by... excruciatingly slowly...

But the Night of Magical Firsts for me... did finally arrive... and I was swept up into the headiness... of getting all dolled up... dying to proudly accompany... my exquisitely beautiful mother... to the very grown-up Country Club... even sporting a great big blue bow... in my short... now straight hair...!

My hair was short... and straight... because when Mummie instructed my favorite Amah Suzuki... recently... to take me to a barbershop... to get my long hair trimmed... she had taken me... to a Japanese establishment...

And because I was already tall for my age... the barber had thought I was a schoolgirl... and had cut off my long... naturally curly hair... shocking it into going straight... from then on...!

Giving me the traditional Japanese schoolgirl hairstyle... he had cut my hair short... and straight across... to just below the ears... and straight across my forehead... in bangs...!

And both Mummie and Papa had been very shocked... and dismayed... when I came home... to see that all my rich... long... curly crowning glory... was gone...!

As I proudly gazed up... at my gorgeous... queenly mother... so resplendent... and regal looking... in her glittering red satin evening gown... setting off so perfectly... the flawless symmetry... of her slim body... and enhancing her dark... beautiful looks... with the whiff of her expensive perfume... delighting my senses... my heart almost burst... with proud admiration...

And as we appeared together... in the doorway... leading into the huge ballroom... my senses were already keyed up... with tremendous excitement... and I was almost bowled over... when everybody in the room stopped talking... and dancing... for a moment... their heads turned... towards the exquisitely beautiful lady... standing proudly in the entrance... holding a tall little girl... by the hand... who came up to her hips... their admiring eyes... riveted on them... filled with curiosity...

And my mother stopped for a moment... as if to acknowledge their homage... the epitome of a regal Countess... (the fact of which... I had no knowledge at the time... not until I was twenty-one... and reunited with her... in South Africa... when she offered me the title... as my rightful heritage...!)

And as my mother... glided past the archway... of the ballroom... I noticed many admiring male glances... following her intently... as she regally swept across the room... with me now trailing awkwardly... and self-consciously... behind her... And I was most relieved... when we finally reached the table... specially reserved for her... delighted to see her name... "Vera Rau"... printed on a little plaque...!

As we sat down... everybody resumed with their talking... and their dancing... and I looked around me... at the scene that met my eyes... for the very first time in my life... and it was quite incredible...

First of all... my ears were assailed... by the most beautiful... melodic music - an English Waltz... I was to learn later - played by a real live orchestra...!

And then my eyes goggled... at the roomful of elegant ladies... all decked out... in their exquisite evening gowns... their arms and throats... dripping with expensive jewels... as they dipped and swayed gracefully... on the dance floor... to the music... their pliant bodies... tenderly held... in the arms of their partners... who were equally dressed formally... for the occasion... in their smart-looking tuxedos... some of the men quite handsome...

Then there was the sweetly cloying scent of flowers... filling my nostrils... and I could see that... everywhere I looked... there were cascades of exotic bouquets... arranged all around the room... making the vast ballroom look very festive... indeed...

Mummie had just told me to relax... and enjoy the evening... when a handsome man... suddenly materialized at her elbow... and bowing most courteously... asked her for a dance...

Whereupon... she had smiled graciously... and nodding in acquiescence... stood up... and as she did so... I noticed that she was quite a bit taller than he was... and idly wondered... whether that fact would upset him... but his eyes were shining with admiration and pleasure... as he led her away to the dance floor... looking as proud as a peacock...

Meanwhile... I was sitting with my elbows bent... propped up on the table... my chin cupped in my hands... totally rapt... as if in a trance... very much overcome... to be there... among all the beautiful grown-ups...

The dreamy music... softly caressing my senses... was mesmerizing and enchanting... And I could imagine myself... being held closely... in the arms of some tall... dark and handsome stranger... his adoring dark eyes... gazing tenderly down into mine... as my beautiful evening gown... rustled and swished... across the polished surface of the dance floor...

....And was startled to hear Mummie's voice at my elbow... asking... in a sharp tone... just short of sarcasm... whether I was enjoying myself... and whether I was learning anything... or was I just sitting there like a fool... wasting valuable time...?!

"My darling Tzi-Tzi... why do you think your Mammie brought you especially here... tonight... where you could be among all the grown up people...?

It was not so that you would just sit here... waiting for her... to return to you... in between dances... but for a very specific purpose...!"

And seeing that she now had my undivided attention... she went on... explaining further... in that charming Italian accent of hers...:

"What I want you to do... Tzi-Tzi darling... is to learn a very valuable lesson tonight... for your life... and as you grow older... and for your future... You can make a game out of it... if you like... But your Mammie really wants you to seriously listen... to what she is saying to you..."

And with her jet black eyes now... filled with an expression of earnestness... she continued...:

"While I am away from the table... dancing... I want you to pay very close attention... to all the grown-ups in the room... watch how they speak... and interact with each other...!"

And as I raised my eyebrows... thoroughly non-plussed... at my mother's odd request... not quite sure what "interact" meant... she chuckled softly... reassuring me... that what she was asking of me... was for a very good reason... which I would truly come to realize for myself... later on...

There was such a tone of seriousness... in her voice... that I suddenly realized the extent... of her genuine concern for me... as if I was not merely a baby... in her eyes... but a real person... who mattered...!

Determined not to disappoint... my precious Mummie... the next time a gentleman... called at our table... to ask her for a dance... and she regally swept off with him... I occupied my time alone... by seriously fixing my attention... now upon this couple... now upon that cluster of grown-ups... whether they happened to be sitting... at their tables... conversing and drinking... with one another... or out on the dance floor... observing their behavior... very closely... just as my adored Mummie... had so earnestly asked me to do...

When my mother... returned to our table... a while later... I eagerly reported to her... what I had noticed... about the people... I had been observing... and her whole face... lit up with pleasure...

And for the rest of the evening... she sat closely huddled with me... declining all further requests for dances... no matter how charming... or handsome... the man was... and gave me one of the most valuable lessons... I have ever learned in my life... coaching me... explaining intelligently... so that I could understand... why certain people behaved... in the way they did - for instance... if a man laughed too loudly... he might possibly be trying to cover up... his own sense of inadequacy...!

That Magical Night... stood out... as one of the most important... in my life... and I am forever indebted... to my mother... who prepared me to walk... among my fellow human beings... with all my senses alert... becoming able to distinguish the genuine... sincere people... easily singling them out... from the artificial "phonies..."

I learned... by closely observing people... the reasons... for their different behavior... and mannerisms... and the way in which they conversed with each other... and a great deal about character traits... in general...

And as I grew up... I continued to observe peoples' behavior... very closely... coming to recognize... how some of them... tried to cover up their character flaws... thinking they were being very clever...

In fact... I became so good... at sizing people up... and analyzing them... that when I married... my first husband... Brian Scott... at the age of about twenty-seven... a big teddy bear... of a boy-man... with a heart as soft... and as big... as the ocean... and he showed signs... of being mentally unbalanced... I gently persuaded him... to see a psychiatrist... for much needed help...!

He was the kind of person who... with compassion... oozing out of every pore... would... upon coming upon the scene of an accident... think nothing... of picking up the injured stranger... and rush him to the nearest hospital... demanding the best possible care... of the doctors and nurses...!

He was seeing a reputable psychiatrist... at the time... because in the three years... we had been married to each other... he had never been able to consummate our union...!

He kept putting me up... on this pedestal of adoration... worshipping the ground I walked on... loath to dirty... the purity of my body... with his base sexual desires... obtaining sexual gratification... only from girls... he had grown up with... and who did not interest him romantically... in the least...!

After several sessions... with my husband... the psychiatrist duly asked... to meet his wife... and in explaining my five years younger husband... as I knew him... to the doctor... who was a surprisingly young man... he had become very impressed... and asked me... where and when... I had obtained my degree... in psychiatry...!

For... according to him... I had apparently given a compassionate... in-depth character analysis... of such accuracy... that it convinced the doctor... that I must have a doctorate... in psycho-analysis...!

And when I told him... that I had no such degree... but that I had always been fascinated... and interested to learn... what made people "tick"... he was astounded... and even suggested... I take a quick course... and go into partnership with him...!

(The very strange... and poignantly sad story... of our doomed relationship... making the acquaintance... obliquely... of a stranger... who was an ardent fan... whilst I lay unconscious... in a seven month long coma...!... is fully described... in "Seven Hells..." ... under the PART relating to... "The Poignant Saga... of Nadia and Brian...!")

Where I failed miserably... was in the affairs of the heart... because... being so starved for affection... denied me while growing up... I would throw myself too quickly... into emotional involvements...

And often in the full realization... that my lovers... were actually men of shallow... insincere character... but... nevertheless... pretending to myself... that they possessed noble traits... of true mature manliness... even to the point of foolishly believing... that my sincerely loving... compassionate... nurturing understanding... of their flaws... would help make them change... into real men... of noble character...

My foolish heart kept hoping... praying... and trusting... that each relationship - and there were quite a few... I am ashamed to say - about which I was deeply... and sincerely committed to... never playing the field... by casually dating a different man... every night... would last... but they never did...

Today... in having the most wonderful man... for a husband... these past almost thirty-five years... a man who incidentally... I would never have chosen... or been attracted to... initially... not being "my type"... I have learned the hard way... that what really matters... for a relationship to last... between a man and a woman... is Inner Compatibility... alone... and above all else...!

For all other relationships... based solely on sexual... or mental compatibility... are doomed to fail... eventually... even after forty years... or more...!

For a marriage to last... it is imperative... that one's union... is that of soul to soul... and that both husband and wife... allow the Power of The One Allah Almighty God... to Guide... and Lead them... in their holy union... with each other... and that they harbor... no secrets of any kind... whatsoever... from one another... otherwise their marriage... is doomed to fail... sooner or later...!

Chapter 3
Mummie's Tzi-Tzi Darling... Is Shocked To Learn... When She Finally Reaches Her Mid Thirties... How Much Her Adored Mother... Had Always Loathed... And Despised Her... And Her Very Existence... Even Before She Was Born...!

My blissfully naive illusions... about my adored mother... over the years... of our reunion... gradually became cracked... then rudely shattered... when I reached my mid thirties... some twelve years... after I was finally... at long last... joyfully reunited with her... in South Africa... when I was twenty-one... eagerly looking forward... to making up... for all those lost thirteen years... of aching for her... and being forced to live without her...

I was not in the least bit interested in boyfriends... or any romance... with them... but wanted only to spend every precious free moment possible... with my adored Mummie...

Throughout those turbulent years with her... I was subjected to one soul shattering shock... after another... inflicted by her... on my adoring of her self... alas... with the complication... that her lovers... three of them... one after the other... fell head over heels in love... with thoroughly uninterested... twenty-one year old... innocent me...!

With her by now... having become a quasi alcoholic... embittered... because her extraordinary... Madonna-like beauty... was finally beginning to fade... and life had continued... to deal her nasty blows... even though she now had an adoring husband... although twenty years younger... than she was... and only three years older... than her Tzi-Tzi Darling...!

She shocked me the greatest... one day... and to the core... about three months... before my Miraculous... overnight Liberation... of the stranglehold she had... over my loving heart... by confessing... as "in vino la veritas..."... her life-long loathing... and repugnance of me... and my very existence... even before I was born...!

Noticing how much I had changed... in the past year... since we had last seen each other... much quieter... with my having relocated... to the port city of Durban... she had become more and more curious... about SUBUD... and the SUBUD Way of Life...

And within a short time... especially after meeting my soul mate... Richard... whom it was the Will of God... to be the channel... to "Open..." ... and "Awaken..." my Inner self... and of whom she greatly approved... as my fiancé... with our Spiritual father... Beloved Bapak's Blessing... she asked to receive the Contact... with the Great Holy Life Force of Almighty God... and duly had her Inner self... "Awakened..."... and "Opened..." ... into the Glory of SUBUD...

However... during the customary three month waiting period... before her "Opening..." ... giving her the opportunity... to be absolutely sure... that she wished to Receive... this Great Blessing... and to also teach her patience... it was the Will of God... that she already begin to experience... her "It Must Out" Period...!

Which in SUBUD... means that deep-seated traits of negativity... when one harbors feelings... that are detrimental to one's self... and which are harmful to one's character... Are Made by Almighty God... to Gradually Come to the surface... and Erupt... out of oneself... like poison...!

And since I was the target... of her life-long resentment... and often in her company... as a Heavenly Reward... for bringing yet another soul back to Him... my Beloved Heavenly Father... Had Removed... from my heart... overnight... when I was in my mid thirties... and in my 3rd year in SUBUD... on the very night... of my mother's "Opening..."... my life-long... deep... hurtful... self-destructive adoration of her... from me...!

So that... from then on... I became thoroughly indifferent towards her... fine if I saw her... and equally fine if I didn't...! And she no longer had the power... to hurt my sensitive psyche... with her snide... thinly veiled... sarcastic remarks... criticisms... and hurtful put-downs...!

So that... as I calmly listened to her... Being Made by Almighty God... To Spew Out... her life-long hatred... and resentment of me... directly to me... at the oddest times... and even in public... although... strangely... I was the only one who heard her...! ... she no longer had the power... to hurt her Tzi-Tzi darling...!

No longer... would she be able to make her daughter feel off balance... and unworthy... as she had so often... in the past... causing a detrimental inferiority complex... to arise in her... whenever she was in her Contessa mother's imperiously proud... regal presence... ever self-conscious... especially when... at twenty-one... she had grown an inch taller... than she was...!

And it was with utter amazement... that I heard her telling me... venomously... how... from the very beginning... even before I was born... I had been a piercing... irritating thorn in her side...!

And how thoroughly disgruntled... and annoyed she had been... when her husband... Theodore... having heard about his wife's Miraculous birth... and curious to see the newborn "brat"... for himself... had finally come to Italy... when I was a few months old...!

And taking one look down at me... lying gurgling happily... in my crib... with my crossed eyes... instead of dismissing me contemptuously... as an odd looking... repulsive infant... he had remarked... on my unusually long body... legs... arms and fingers... with awe... and immediately lost his heart to me...!

Declaring that I could not possibly be his... because nobody in his family... had ever had blue eyes...! Nevertheless he would give me his name... and raise me as his own daughter... for I looked like the perfect specimen... for him to train... into becoming a world class athletic champion... as soon as I could walk...!

But first of all... he was going to correct my slightly crossed eyes...!

And as he dotingly exercised them daily... with loving patience... until they were no longer crossed... he gave me a new name... stating that he preferred to call me... by his very favorite Russian name... of all... Nadia...!

Insisting that his now precious baby... "darling Nadia"... never be far away from him... he had installed my crib... in their bedroom... and apparently... I had spoiled the times of intimacy... between them... by standing up in my crib... and staring at them... with my big blue innocent eyes... during their lovemaking... making my mother feel most uncomfortable... and unable to relax...!

For it seemed as if my blue eyes... were looking straight into her soul... accusingly... as if letting her know... that I knew her deep dark secret... of how she had tried to get rid of me... even before I was born...!

And during the two years... the three of us lived together in Peking... when she heard me softly singing to myself one day... in the garden... she suffered a jolt... of a combination of fear and guilt... for my voice sounded exactly like her mother's... when she used to sing soft lullabys to her... as a baby...!

So now... recently having become... a Christian Scientist... she became convinced... that I must be the reincarnation... of her mother... who had died... when she was barely four years old... and I became even more of a guilty reminder to her... of her sin of attempted murder...!

And to complicate things further... she was never quite sure... whose child I was...!

Because... when she honestly told her husband... when she was twenty-two... during their "open" marriage... that she had fallen deeply in love... with the dashing Englishman... Arthur Cannon... and to please refrain... from being further sexually intimate with her... being such a stickler for physical health... and wholeheartedly believing... that a regimen of regular sexual intercourse... was vitally important... for one's wellbeing... he had insisted... on continuing to assert... his conjugal rights with her...!

And it was only when she saw me... years later... as a nineteen year old... during our very brief reunion... of a few days... in Zurich Switzerland... after the War... that she noticed... that I was the spitting image... of her greatest... first true love... Arthur... in looks... and in build... and gracefulness...!

During her six months of "It Must Out"... my mother Was Made... to confess to me... that during those first six years... of about two years in Peking... China... and four years in Kobe... Japan... she could never feel like a real mother to me... nor could she ever pick me up... and lovingly hold me close to her breast... or even ever give me a kiss...!

Nor by contrast... could she ever spank me... or lay a hand on me... in anger... but barely managed... to fearfully tolerate... my perpetually annoying existence...!

Because I was forever a pricking thorn in her side... a constant reminder to her... of the public scandal... and humiliation... her imperiously proud... twenty-two year old young self... had been subjected to...!

When her married lover's wife... had shot herself dead... in the middle of the dance floor... at the YCAC... whilst hurling vile accusations... at the "Italian harlot... and home wrecker..." ... as she was dancing... in the arms of her lover... the distraught woman's husband... Arthur... and already pregnant with me... their very precious... special love-child... until that fateful night of tragedy...!

Chapter 4
Mummie's Tzi-Tzi Darling... Also Hears... For The Very First Time... All About How Much Her Adored Mother... Loathing... And Despising Her... Had Tried To Abort Her... In Vain...! And All About The Publicity Generated... About Her Miraculous Birth... On The Holy Day Of Easter Sunday... Just After Her Mother... Had Accidentally Swallowed... A Deadly... Poisonous Solution Of Lye Mixture... In Her Ninth Month...!

On that momentous rainy afternoon... in her house in Pretoria... South Africa... in 1963... my mother was also Made To Confess to me... for the very first time... how she had been banished... back to her homeland Italy... to "get rid of the brat..." ... by her enraged husband... whose good name... now was tainted by public scandal...!

And how... longing... and yearning... to be back in the arms of her lover... she had become frustrated... when nobody would perform an abortion... neither doctors... or even medical students... or nurses... on her now most definitely unwanted... and despised thing... and no longer her precious love-child... growing inside her... whether another girl... or boy... no matter how much money... she offered them...!

And even more so... when I... the despised love-child... conceived in adultery... was Miraculously born... on the Holy Day of Easter Sunday... at eleven in the morning... just as the church bells were ringing... calling the faithful... to prayer... right after she had accidentally swallowed... a deadly... poisonous solution of lye mixture... in her ninth month...!

And she told me... further... how my subsequent birth... had caused a great deal of public attention... once again... with people coming from miles around... to bless the beautiful Madonna-like mother... and her Miracle baby... with the press dubbing her "Graziella"... meaning "Little Grace of God..."!

However... she was still leading me to believe... that I was either born... in her Zia Lucia's house... or in a hotel room... and not at the family palazzo in Turin...! That fact was Clarified for me... years later... by a most extraordinary Encounter... with an Angel of God... at of all places... an outdoor Mitch Miller Concert... in Miami...!

(The full incredible Spiritual Experience... is told under PART IV... Chapter 19... of this book...)

And my mother was forever blaming me... in her heart... for losing the only man... she had ever truly loved... when she was twenty-two... because of the huge public scandal generated... when her lover's wife... had shot herself dead... in the middle of the dance floor... at the YCAC... while she... already pregnant with me... until then her precious love-child... was blissfully enfolded... in the loving arms... of the woman's husband... dancing with him...!

Being born of such a sunny... happy... and optimistic disposition... and full of adoration... for my precious Mummie... living under the same roof with her... but rarely seeing her... because she was always off to the YCAC... to play tennis... palming me off... into the care of various village Amahs... during those first six years... I was blissfully unaware... and never knew... how much she resented... my very existence... not even by one iota...!

Because I was always... in overwhelming awe of her... and bedazzled by her regal... exquisite beauty... and quite happy... to just trail behind her... in her shadow...!

Happy to say... shortly after her soul deep... purging confessions... of what we in SUBUD refer to... as the period of "It Must Out...! ... and even continuing... after her Inner "Opening..." ... and "Awakening..." ... for about three more months... until all the pent-up poison... Had Been Made to Spew out of her... a real loving mother and daughter relationship... began to flower between us...

(Under Part IV... in Chapter 15... is a full account... of my mother's agonizing seven months... spent hiding away... in her favorite aunt Zia Lucia's house... fearful of her formidable Nonna's wrath... all the while... longing and pining away... for her beloved Arthur... while I... the increasingly loathed thing... inside her... which she was blaming... for keeping them apart... grew and grew...!

And in Chapter 16... is a more detailed description... about the unusual circumstances... of this ever humble to God soul's Miraculous birth... on April 20th... 1930... the Holy Day of Easter Sunday... which incidentally... is also the birth date... of the diabolical... megalomaniac lunatic... Adolf Hitler... who is now writhing in agony... in the very pits of Hell...!)

...whom this SUBUD soul Received about... as being born... with a very high soul... who came to believe... that he was God...! ... when her Beloved Spiritual Father... Bapak... Revealed to her... the real date of her birth... as April 20th... and not April 10th... which she had always been led to believe... by her mother... carelessly flinging to her despised daughter... that she did not know the exact date of her birth... and had chosen the number ten... because it was easy to remember...!)

Chapter 5
How Papa's "Darling Nadia's" Blissful Life... Changed So Greatly... Almost Overnight... With The Ominous Advent... Of Strangely Odd... Fractured... Fiercely Possessive... "Auntie Xenia"... Becoming The Love Of His Life...!

(When I wrote about my "blissful life"... I had no memory... of my two years... of helpless babyhood sexual abuse... not until I was seventy-two...! That time of terrifying... disgusting horror... between the ages of about two and a half to four and a bit... is fully revealed... and described... as shown in the Table of Contents... under "Heavenly Visitations..."!)

Continuing to confide... in my Angel Friends... way up high in the treetop... that afternoon in July... 1940... I told them how... shortly after that memorable night... at the Country Club Dance... with my mother... my whole life had changed... and rather abruptly...!

It seemed that... almost in no time at all... with the divorce proceedings now underway... situations in the Rau household... which was now solely occupied by Mummie... and her three children... Prima... Remo and myself... sans Papa... were quickly transformed... and to a very great extent...

Shortly after the huge blow-up... between Papa and Mummie... Papa had promptly packed his bags... and without so much as a backward glance of regret... left his marriage of twelve years... that he had shared with Vera... ever since she was barely sixteen... who had soon become the mother... of his two children... Prima at sixteen... and Remo at seventeen... immediately and eagerly setting up a brand new household... with his precious new Russian love... Xenia... the daughter of the famous Russian General Bogoluboff...!

He had also left his common-law Japanese wife... of seven years... without a backward glance of regret... after she had given birth... to a baby girl... when she was only sixteen... replacing her with sixteen year old Vera... whom he had contracted for... in an arranged marriage... between himself... and her formidable grandmother... after he had ravished her... when she was an innocent virgin of fifteen...!

I honestly do not remember the actual day... Papa left our house for good... but do remember spending many outings... with him... and his new love... Xenia... thereafter... hiking through the magnificent mountains of Japan...

But I do remember being told... very abruptly by Papa... during our very first excursion together... out into the countryside... with his new beloved... right in front of her... as she stood there smugly... with a pleased look on her face... that since I was growing up... to be a big girl now... he would not be calling me "darling Nadia"... his special Russian name for me... anymore... but only by my first Italian name... of "Graziella"...!

I remember crying into my pillow... all night over it... shocked by the callous way... in which my adored Papa... had made his unexpected... blunt announcement... and right in front of the to me... still comparatively strange lady... as well... making me feel awkward... intimidated... and shy... all at the same time...

And I suddenly knew... deep down inside me... that the very special bond... that Papa and I had shared... between us... whether happily splashing about together... stark naked... at the Yayu Communal Baths... at night... or exercising together... daily... pre-dawn... in his attic gym... or hiking through the beautiful mountains... just the two of us... for the past three years... had now been irretrievably severed... and for good...!

From then on... and as the years went by... poor Papa Rau... had to put up with new experiences... in his new life... with his new... emotionally scarred... and neurotic... insecure... fractured wife... Xenia - mostly her fierce possessiveness... and smoldering jealousy...!

And there were many occasions... when he was put into positions... where he had to choose... between siding with his children... or with her - almost... needless to say... always sympathizing with his adored beloved...

Chapter 6
Papa Falls In Lust With Me... And Out Of Guilt... Almost Chokes Me To Death... Realizing Many Years Later... That It Was Because... He Had Caught Me... Dancing Ballet... Stark Naked... In The Light... Of A Full Moon...!

Moving forward in time... even I... her most favored... of his children... experienced an occasion... when I too... became the brunt... of her possessive jealousy... when I was about sixteen... and finally as tall as Papa... when he happened... one day... to ring the doorbell... of our top floor apartment... in Zurich Switzerland... instead of using his key... as usual...

I was just about to lay... the table for lunch... which was my daily duty... and being nearest... to the front door... had gone to open it...

And he had taken me completely by surprise... by spontaneously sweeping... all five foot ten of me... up into his arms... and whirling me around and around... in the hallway... with the greatest exuberance...!

I was so bowled over... by his unexpected display of affection... conduct... most rare for him... that I was stunned... and it had taken quite a while... for me to realize... that Papa was actually showing me some affection... after so many years... of exhibiting cold... quasi-indifference...!

And just as I was beginning to enjoy... being whirled around... in my father's arms... recalling the special... wonderful rare times... we had shared... alone together... one glorious day each... in both Hollywood... and in New York... and a few months... the previous year... when we had both gone to the Christian Science church together... on Sundays... Xenia had spoilt it all... by appearing... from around the corner...

And immediately taking in the scene... of her beloved Theo... and his daughter... wrapped in each other's arms... she had begun to pout...

Complaining in her irritating... whining voice... she had peevishly chided me... querulously asking... why I was not helping her out... in the kitchen - this was during our fourth year... of living together... in Zurich Switzerland... in 1946... and when having the luxury of servants... as in Japan... was a thing of the past...

Immediately... the special warm spell... between Papa and I... had been broken... and suddenly feeling guilty... that his display of affection towards me... was so obviously displeasing... to his beloved... he had abruptly let go of me... flinging me violently away from him...!

Then... in an exaggerated tone of annoyance... not even giving me a chance... to defend myself... to proclaim my innocence... he had scolded me... for leaving poor Xenia all alone... to do all the housework by herself... harshly berating me... for being so selfishly thoughtless...!

Then Papa had launched... into his usual tirade... reminding me... for the umpteenth time... that he had never asked... for me to be born... so I had better appreciate... all the sacrifices... he was making... in order to give me a decent home... and good education... at least... and how he expected me to reimburse his generosity... by taking care of him and Xenia... financially... when they retired to Hawaii... in their old age...!

And in my mind's eye... I was rewinding the handle... of the gramophone ... playing the same old monotonous record of a dirge... over and over again...

And about two weeks later... out of frustration... and guilt... my adored/feared Papa... tried to kill me... by choking me to death... because he had fallen in lust with me...!

(The full story... of that terrifying... horrendous afternoon... is fully told... in "Seven Hells..." ... under the PART... "Europe"... relating to "Zurich Switzerland..."... currently being re-edited... for the very last time...)

Naturally... being so young and innocent... at the time... I had no realization... of that fact... and remained ignorant... and puzzled... at Papa's gross... unexpected display... of first affection... then violence towards me... for years and years...

And it was not until a few years ago... when I shared those two puzzling episodes with Farlan... my beloved husband... as I was writing about them... that he explained the true reason... for Papa's unusual behavior towards me... and I Received that familiar Inner Feeling of Confirmation... that my husband... spoke the truth...!

And it suddenly occurred to me... whether Papa had fallen in love with me... at that time... because he had come home... from an outing... with his beloved Xenia... one night... soon after I... at the age of sixteen... had become a fledgling opera singer... to find me dancing ballet... stark naked... with a male ballet dancer friend... from the Opera House... in the brightness of a full moon... on a warm summer's night...!

And expecting to be scolded... and punished by him... to my amazement... he believed me... when I told him... that our dancing ballet... exuberantly together... had been totally innocent...!

(My five years of living Hell... in Zurich... Switzerland... mostly alone with Papa and Xenia... surrounded by the environment... of the by and large humorless... narrow-minded... petty German Swiss... is also fully described... in the sequel to this book...)

And yet... with all of Papa Rau's nerve-wracking mental... and physical cruelty... and harsh indifference towards me... right after his beloved Xenia... came into his life... in the final analysis... it was the Will of God... that he also Receive... His Very Special Grace... of SUBUD...!

And that I... his brainless... "dumb cluck" daughter... would be the one instrumental... in getting his Inner self... "Awakened..."... and "Opened..."... some twenty-three years later... albeit posthumously... after his spirit... first entered my body... as he was about to pass on... into the Magnificent Glory... of his Afterlife...!

And without us ever reuniting... in person... but only in written correspondence... with each other... during the last two years of his life... after total non-communication between us... for seventeen years...!

(That incredibly Miraculous story... of how the Angels of God... Led him to me... after some seventeen years of separation... with no contact of any kind... between us... whatsoever... because of his gross betrayal towards me... while I was a student in England... is also fully described... in "Heavenly Visitations..." ... under PART III... Chapter 1...)

Sitting in the treetop... baring my soul... to my Angel Friends... confiding my most unusual past life to them... including that memorable afternoon... in 1940... when my life-long kyodai tomodachi... Miko-chan... had turned on me so viciously... with each unburdening... of relating different painful... shocking experiences... I would invariably feel much lighter... as if a huge burden... Had Been Lifted... off my shoulders...!

Chapter 7
A Most Unexpected Rare Day... Of Happiness... Alone With My Adored/Feared Papa Rau...!

And then I noticed... that the setting sun... was touching the tip of the mountains... in the far distance... a sign to me... that it was time to go home... and face the music...

And from this new hide-away tree... too... my Angel Friends... gently Floated me down... to the soft carpet of grass... Bidding me a Loving Farewell... Promising me... that They Would Always be Close to me... Protecting me... For It Was Thus... That Almighty God In Heaven... Had Decreed to Them...!

When I arrived home... all restored... with my hair re-braided... as expected... but with my heart... beginning to hammer... as I walked into the front door of the house... I was very relieved to find... that Papa had not yet come home... from his office... and I wondered whether I should simply show the disciplinary note to Xenia first... which by now... was burning a hole in my pocket...

And suddenly "feeling..."... that that was the right thing to do... I went in search of her... finding her in her bedroom... as usual... grooming herself especially... into her second... false... special "Mask of Beauty"... to present herself... to her beloved Theo... for the evening hours...

When she read the note... from the Convent... instead of scolding me... to my amazement... she burst into laughter... seeing in her mind's eye... how idiotically comical... I always looked... whenever I made that peculiar grinning grimace... and she reassured me not to worry... and to leave the note with her... to show to Papa...!

Not only did he also roar with laughter... upon reading the complaint about me... but to my further amazement... he personally took me to the Convent... the following morning... which happened to be my piano lesson day... ordering a taxi for us...!

And presenting himself... to the Mother Superior... he patiently explained to her... that his daughter... was not deliberately making faces... at the nuns... but that she had suddenly developed a peculiar... uncontrollable habit... which he was quite certain... would not last much longer...!

And he was right... Because from that moment onward... the bad habit simply left me...!

Probably from the shock... of my father... taking the special time... to come to the aid... of the "dumb cluck..."... as he was so fond of calling me... especially when I could not calculate the sum total... of five or six digit numbers... being added... or multiplied... or subtracted... in my head... dismissed summarily to my room... without dinner... as punishment... for being so brainless...

That was truly a Magical Day... not only with Papa... taking the time... to defend me... to the convent nuns... but he spent the rest of the day with me... as well...!

Deciding to see for himself... how my music lessons... were coming along... he ordered another taxi... and we drove together... to Miss Shapiro's...

And there... for the very first time... he really listened to my playing of the piano...!

And he was so delighted... especially at Miss Shapiro's glowing approval... of how I played... Beethoven's beautiful... "Moonlight Sonata" ... "with a great deal of feeling..." ... she said...

And he let her know... that I had probably played so well... because he always insisted... that I practiced the piano daily... after school... for at least two hours... the first hour with scales... and the second... with whatever piano piece assignment... Miss Shapiro had given me... to learn to play...

Very proud of me... as a reward... he took me out to lunch... with him... at a fancy Japanese restaurant... afterwards... it being the very first time... in years... of just the two of us... being alone together...!

And we gorged on a shared... favorite... delicious Sukiyaki feast... chattering away to each other... in Japanese... to fit the occasion... just like we used to... when we hiked through the majestic mountains... alone together... before Xenia came into his life...

And the only thing... which would have made it more complete... was if we had both been dressed up... in one of our expensive... colorful silk kimonos...

That unexpected Day... truly turned out to be Magical... where we shared a rare closeness... absent between us... for so many years...!

Chapter 8
French/Italian... La Contessa... Vera Quarta Turin... Meets Bavarian... Alfred Stempfle... On The Very Day... Of Her Official Divorce Decree... From Romansch/Swiss... Theodore Rau...!

It so happened... that Divine Providence Decreed... that Mummie should quickly... also have a new serious love... in her life...!

And it happened... on the very day... that she held the final divorce papers... from Theodore Rau... in her hands...!

And it was on her favorite playground... the tennis court... that she met the man... who was to change her life... playing against him... in a doubles tournament match...!

He was no match for her... on the tennis court... but by the time the game had ended... he had won her heart - something about his warm brown eyes... and gentle... old world courtliness... instantly captivated her...

His name was Alfred Stempfle... and he was from Bavaria... in the Southern part of Germany... with degrees in Civil Engineering... just transferred to Japan... as Managing Director... of the only inter-oceanic pipeline company... in the world...!

Watching how deftly... and with ease... this tall gypsy beauty... with her laughing dark eyes flashing... skillfully caught each ball... on her raquet... never seeming ruffled... or out of breath... her exceptionally long legs... and long arms... a great asset to her prowess... Alfred had become utterly enchanted... losing his heart to her... right then and there... on the tennis court... even before the game was over...!

Now that Vera was free of Theodore... for good... it seemed as if a great weight... had been lifted off her... and as young as I was... I could not help but notice the sudden change... in her demeanor...

She was now twenty-eight years old... and I had never seen her look more beautiful... Her intelligent... jet black eyes... with their restless... inquisitive look... seemed to shine brighter... than ever before... and her silky black hair... which she had had trimmed shorter... soon after she and Papa separated... was arranged in a very attractive coiffure... and crackled with life... shinier than ever before...

In fact... all of her seemed to be more alive... sparkling with renewed energy... and high spirits... and being deeply in love again... made her femininity blossom... like a flower... as never before...

The fact that she was extremely intelligent... speaking five languages fluently... impressed Alfred... immensely... and when he met us... her three children... he was instantly charmed... at how well-behaved we were... in adult company... delighted beyond measure... at our impeccable table manners...

Quirkily interesting to note... both Alfred and Papa... resembled each other... a great deal... both carrying their broad-shouldered physiques... in the manner of healthy athletes... with good builds...

Both were of the same height... at five feet ten inches... both had straight... finely textured hair... brushed straight back... the differences being... that Alfred's hair... was a rich chestnut brown... and his eyes were large... brown and warmly liquid... whereas Papa Rau's hair... was the color of golden sand... and his eyes were a piercing emerald green...

Both of them being extremely health-conscious... they exercised daily... on dumbbells and weights... and took brisk walks... before breakfast... and neither drank... nor smoked... but the most amazing quirky thing... was the fact... that they were both born... on the same day and month... being March 12th... although Alfred... was a few years younger...!

I immediately took a great liking... to Uncle Alfred Stempfle... impressed by his old world courtliness... and his warm-hearted... gentle nature... and thoroughly intrigued by his quiet... calm demeanor...

Chapter 9
My Precious Mummie... Going Off On Her Honeymoon... With Dear Uncle Alfred... Seems Lost To Me... Forever...!

It was a great pity... that I was not told... of my precious Mummie... and dear Uncle Alfred's impending marriage... and honeymoon... For it would have been so much easier... to hear the truth... and that they would be returning to me...

Perhaps they honestly thought... that a five and a half year old little girl... would not understand... what the words "marriage"... and "honeymoon"... really meant...

Instead... I was abruptly told one night... that my most precious Mummie... would be going away... and that I had to be a brave little girl...!

Naturally... I had immediately thought... that my Mummie would be going away forever... and I was inconsolable with grief... wanting to cry my hurting heart out... despite the many false sounding reassurances... that she would be returning soon... uttered by an American Christian Science lady friend of Mummie's... who had agreed to look after us... while she and Alfred were away... on their honeymoon...

And as she sat up with me... through the long... long night... gently cradling me closely... in her arms... rocking me back and forth... each time an aching sob... welled up in my throat... she would stop me... earnestly telling me... that if I cried... I would be making my Mummie... very unhappy... and surely I did not want my Mummie... to become sad...!

So... believing her... I had held the tears back...

And if the truth be known... it was not until thirty years later... to the day... that I finally got to cry my heart out... over the deep ache... that terrible night... had left inside me... as I finally sobbed my pain out... in the loving arms... of my soul mate... Richard... the man for whom I had not only drowned myself for... in my last Japanese incarnation... but the very same man who... Oh Joy... had brought the Miracle of SUBUD... into my life...!

Perhaps that is why I have no recollection... of their matrimonial ceremony... although I have seen the wedding photographs... in which both Prima and myself are shown... as large as life... dressed prettily... as flower girls... in matching blue party dresses... Prima with a ribbon in her gorgeous... naturally curly chestnut hair... and me with a bow... in my Japanese school girl... straight... short bob haircut...!

I must have been in a state of shock... and just going through the motions for... most unusual for me... I am not smiling... in the photographs... and in fact... am looking straight into the camera... with a dazed... puzzled expression... on my face... as if I had no idea... what I was doing there...!

Mummie going away... on her honeymoon... the way she did... was my very first separation from her... and it felt as if my soul... had been split in two... leaving behind an aching... empty void...!

And when she returned... a few weeks later... on the arm of her new husband... glowing... her eyes sparkling... and with rosy cheeks... I knew... instinctively... that my very own precious Mummie... was now lost to me... irrevocably... and forever... lost to me... and that somehow... things would never again... be quite the same between us... not ever again...!

Nothing could quell the uneasy feeling inside me... that somehow... in some strange way... I would never be Mummie's "darling little Tzi-Tzi" ... again... "Tzi-Tzi" to her... because I had been born sneezing... making the sound of "Tzi" ... but always only twice... and every time I sneezed... she would marvel... at how so much water... could be coming... out of such a teeny tiny nose...!

Also there was the fact... that she felt queasy... about calling me Graziella... knowing that the name meant... "Little Grace of God" ... not wanting a constant reminder... of my Miraculous birth... and that the enthusiastic press... had dubbed me... the Miracle baby... thus... with the approval of hundreds of well-wishers...

Never again... would I hear her coo to me... tenderly... expressing her love for me... in Italian... softly murmuring endearments... like...:

"Cara mia... tesora mia... bambina mia...!"

... which were all wishful thinking... on my part... for I never remembered... any such tender words of love... from her... nor ever being picked up by her... and lovingly cradled... close to her breast... nor even being kissed by her... anywhere on my person... not ever...!

And what is more... as far as I know... there are no baby pictures of me... anywhere...! And if smitten with me Papa... had taken any... they were probably all destroyed... by my mother... after they separated...!

Chapter 10
A Very Brief... Happy Interlude... Of Six Months... Living In A Lovely House... With My Adored Mummie... And Her New Love... Who Is Now... Dear Papa Alfred... To Me...!

When we all moved into a new... two storey house... that Alfred had provided... for his new... ready-made family... a few days... after their return from their honeymoon... I was delighted to find... that I was to have my very own... very nice bedroom... for the very first time in my life... with both Prima and Remo... each having their own as well...!

I also noticed very soon... that Mummie was very rarely... calling me "Tzi-Tzi darling" ... but joining Uncle Alfred... who had asked me to call him "Papa Alfred"... from then on... she was also calling me "Graziella" ... instead... just like Papa... who had suddenly stopped calling me... his "darling Nadia"...!

Papa and Xenia got married... almost at the same time... as Alfred and Mummie did... and I have no recollection... of attending their wedding... either... subsequently having been told... that only Prima and Remo had gone to it... my having been left out... because I had suddenly become quite ill...!

This was Alfred's very first experience of marriage... and he found it a bit much... finding himself... an instant father to Prima... a tempestuous... free-spirited... gypsy-wild... boy crazy twelve year old... Remo... a musical genius of eleven... and little Graziella... barely six... although tall for her age...

He specifically preferred her... most of all... especially because she posed no reminder... of his wife's ex-husband... like her other two children did... not being born... of his own flesh and blood... (a fact I was not to know about... until I was nineteen... during a two week... memorable reunion... alone with my mother... in Germany... after the War...!)

I also found out then... that he had wanted to legally adopt me... and only me... but Mummie had insisted... that he would have to adopt all her children... or none of them...

And hearing... in Germany... about how harshly... Papa had treated me... after Xenia came into his life... with tears of regret in her eyes... my mother begged me to forgive her... for her poor lapse in judgment...!

And as I stood there... amazed... because it was the very first time in my life... that my mother was expressing a genuine emotion... on my behalf... she went on to astonish me further... by letting me know... that Papa Rau... was not my real father... but that I was the daughter... of a handsome Englishman... named Arthur Cannon... whom I greatly resembled... in every way...!

Then seeing how shocked I was... she softened the blow... by telling me... that all she had been aware of... was how much Papa... had adored me... ever since he first laid eyes on me... in my bassinet... in Italy... and while we lived together... as a family... first in Peking... then in Japan... with no idea... how his attitude towards me... had changed so abruptly... with the advent of Xenia... into his life...

I adored Alfred's gentle... peace-loving nature... but his perpetual grave air of over-seriousness... would give me the naughty urge... to imitate him... then erupt into giggling fits... at the dining table... And I would often be dismissed forthwith by him... in a stern admonishing tone of voice... that somehow... never quite rang true...

And my comical imitations... and giggling... being very infectious... soon had everybody else spluttering... at first... Then... unable to help themselves... they would burst out... into roars of outright laughter... Mummie included until... having dismissed everyone... poor Alfred invariably would find himself... sitting all alone... in the huge dining room... at the huge dining table...

And suddenly feeling very foolish... and not liking the sensation... one little bit... he would hastily summon us all back into the dining room again... blushing... and looking very sheepish...

Mummie got pregnant... during the first year... of her marriage... And it wasn't long... before she became concerned... about her children's further education...

And soon wanting only her deeply cherished Alfred... all to herself... looking forward... to the birth of their child... conceived in true love... she made plans to have Prima... Remo and I... sent away... as permanent boarders... at the International School of Yokohama... dividing only our Christmas vacation time... between her and Alfred... one year... and Papa and Xenia... the next...

All our summer vacations... were to be spent at the school's summer resort... in Karuizawa... situated high up in the Japanese alps... a few miles away from the active volcano... Asama...!

I rebelled mightily... at the very idea of becoming Europeanized... being forced to learn English grammar... accustomed as I had always been... to mostly and naturally conversing... in Japanese...

And the thought... of daily eating unappetizing English food... repulsed me to the core - ugh...!

I even went so far... as to lock myself in my room... for three days... refusing to eat... for in my mind... it was unthinkable... to regard myself... as any other nationality... than predominantly Nipponese...! And I did not want anything... ever to change that... But hunger getting the better of me... I was ultimately forced to give in...

So... at barely six years old... trembling with trepidation and dread... my heart hammering wildly... in my chest... I had allowed myself... to be taken... to the boarding school... holding on tightly to Prima's and Remo's hands... for dear life... the ISY becoming... my very first experience... of formal European education...!

Chapter 11
A Step Back In Time... To A Very Vivid Memory... Of My Previous Lifetime... As A Nipponese... And Reincarnation... Into This Lifetime... As A Caucasian...!

Until that time... most of my education... had been Oriental... from my succession of different village Amahs... who naturally accepted the fact... that since I already spoke fluent Japanese... even from a very young age... never questioning how that was... they would automatically treat me... a white-skinned... blue-eyed... blonde haired little girl... as one of their own...!!!

They also taught me... all about Japanese customs... codes of honor... and culture... Karma... and Reincarnation... all of which... somewhere deep inside me... I knew all about... already...!

For I knew the exact sacred spot... on top of the cliff of "Dai-shichi no Kami..." (Seventh Heaven)... where I had re-entered this world... in this lifetime... with an Inner compulsion... to visit it... periodically... all by myself... ever since I was about seven...!

Having "lost face"... I had drowned myself... below the cliff... and longing to be reunited... with my beloved foreigner betrothed Englishman... (my soul mate Richard)... who had betrayed me... with my younger... beautiful "chiisai itoko" (little cousin)... my spirit had risen up... to the top of the cliff...

And noticing the lovers lying there... in the bright moonlight... entwined in each other's arms... on the soft grass... believing the female... to be Nipponese... like myself... because of her long black hair... and yellowish complexion... my spirit had entered her body... at the moment her lover... ecstatically passed on into her yearning... receptive body... the all important... drop... of The Water of Life...!

Years later... when I was in my mid thirties... my mother confirmed for me... that "Seventh Heaven..." ... was indeed... the very special place... where she and her lover... Englishman Arthur Cannon... my real father... had had their romantic trysts... and where I... their precious love child... had been conceived...!

Chapter 12
The Fascinating International School Of Yokohama... My New Home... Away From Home... Where I Happily Rub Shoulders... With Students... Of All Nationalities... And All Ages... From All Over The World... Instantly Feeling Right At Home... With All Of The Day Scholars... Thrilled And Delighted... To Learn All About Their Fascinating... Distinctive Character Traits... Different Religions... Cultures... Customs... And Traditions...!

However... as things turned out... I need not have been so apprehensive... because... surprisingly... from my very first day... at the ISY... I quickly became thoroughly intrigued... by seeing so many children... of all ages... from so many different countries... of the world... and all at the same time...!

Hearing them jabber away... to each other... in their uniquely fascinating... strange-sounding tongues... was most captivating... to say the least... Furthermore... to my utter surprise and delight... I immediately felt right at home... amongst all of them...!

English obviously becoming a world language... if not THE world language... the International families... were more than happy... to have their children educated... in English... at Reverend Pott's widely famous... "International School of Yokohama"... which incidentally... is still in operation today... although renamed... "Yokohama International School"...!

I remember that for me... it was the most fascinating... and educational... four years of my life... serving me very well indeed... for the future ahead... when I myself... would be traveling to many countries... meeting... and associating closely... with people... of all nationalities...!

First in Europe... especially when I became a fledgling opera singer... at the age of sixteen... rubbing shoulders... and blending in voice... with hundreds of refugee artists... from many other countries... ravaged by the War...!

And later on... when I was in the hotel... and entertinment business... in South Africa... and both Southern... and Northern Rhodesia... meeting people from many other countries... and associating with them... as well...

My friends at school... with whom I became familiar... in a very short time... were from most of the countries of the world... such as... to name the ones I remember... apart from us three Swiss/French/Italian Rau children...:

Spain... Italy... France... Greece... Australia... Portugal... Germany... Turkey... Belgium... Austria... Ireland... Scotland... England... Hawaii... Nova Scotia... Canada... - not to mention many of the Slavic countries... such as Rumania... Hungary... Bulgaria... Czechoslovakia... Russia... and Yugoslavia... and one very naughty boy... from the USA... about a year and a half later...

There was even a cute boy from Luxembourg... a grand duchy... in Western Europe... north of France... a brother and sister... from the kingdom of Liechtenstein... situated east of Switzerland... and believe it or not... even two siblings... brother and sister Eskimos... from Lappland...! And last but not least... a dark-skinned boy from Jamaica... (If I've left any nationality out... please forgive me...)

Then... of course... there were quite a number of exquisitely beautiful... Eurasian girls... and interestingly handsome... super-intelligent Eurasian boys... half Caucasian/Japanese - or Chinese... or Formosan... etc... I think you get the picture...

By the same token... all the students came from different religious backgrounds... as well... so that our school boasted Christians... Muslims... Jews... and adherents of Orthodoxy... etc...!

And since it was our parents' wish... that we... the Rau children... join the Anglican Christ Church of England... that is how... at the age of six... I came to be a bona fide... regular member... of the International Church Choir... happily singing my praises... to my beloved Heavenly Father... for the Sunday morning... and evening services...

I was to learn quickly... about the various... general... nationalistic character traits... and temperaments... of the children I met... from the ages of about six to eighteen...

For instance... how stiff... and reserved and aloof... the British were... how sly... and secretive... most of the Slavs were... how incredibly "soulful..."... the Russians were... their deep emotions... either reaching up to the heavens... in ecstasy... or plunging down... to the depths of hell... in deep gloom and doom... looking extremely morose - I very rarely saw them striking the "happy medium..."

I also learned how stingy... and tight-fisted... the Scotch were... and how poetic the Irish waxed... quick to short spurts of anger... but when in a good mood... charmingly full of the blarney... The Australians... on the whole... reminded me of solid rocks... stolid... and yet boisterous... when they got rolling...

Then there were the oh so passionate Spanish children... their dark eyes smoldering... with intense emotions... their bearing and manner... loftily aloof... as they arrogantly held their heads up high... letting everybody know... that they were the proud descendants... of a nation... that had once conquered... a great part of the world...!

The long... L-shaped facility... for the school... fashioned of durable wood... and painted light grey... was built down one of the wide spurs of the magnificent Bluff... close by the Anglican Church...

One half of the building... boasted a second floor... with windows set in along the length... of the long hallway... facing towards the back of the school... and the dense thicket of bamboo trees... where it was always dark... because the height of the building... obscured any sunlight... from getting through...

On the opposite side... of the long hallway... there was a row of large classrooms... with wide... sliding wooden doors... their windows facing the school's playground... accommodating some thirty students... from the ages of five - in the first room - up to fifteen... in the last room... at the end of the long hallway...

Right underneath... running along the classrooms... was the huge dining room/auditorium... The whole structure was adequate... not only for day scholars... but for permanent boarders as well... who were housed in the dormitory... on the ground floor... on the other side of the L... adjacent to the principal's office...

Chapter 13
In Meeting Dear Mrs. Mendoza... our Portuguese/Hawaiian Housemother... I Become The Roommate... Of Her Nine Year Old Daughter... Elena/Eileen... The Fiend From Hell... Experiencing My Very First... Of Being Loathed... And Despised... By Another Human Being...! Elena's Jealousy... Ultimately Leading Her... Into An Uncontrollable... Destructive... Frenzied Rampage... Of Fury...!

The dormitory side of the building... was next to the steep main road... and well removed... from the daily traffic of students... coming and going... between the hallways... at the other end of the L... and the dining room... and naturally off limits... to the day scholars in attendance...

My new home away from home now... was on the ground floor... of the long... L-shaped part of the school building... designated as a dormitory... for the housing of the permanent boarders...

And we were supervised by our housemother... Mrs. Mendoza... a kindly Portuguese/Hawaiian lady... in her mid-thirties... with warm brown eyes... who not only had a heart... as big as the ocean... but who also possessed an innate wisdom... in how to relate naturally to children...

We took to each other right away... and our relationship would have been perfect... except for her daughter... Elena... who... for some peculiar reason... was ashamed... of her Latin heritage... preferring to be called Eileen... about three years older than I was...

And who... immediately upon seeing how easily... her mother and I got along... became consumed... with envy and jealousy... and amazed us... by the incredible lengths she would go to... in trying to discredit me... in her mother's eyes...!

Nine year old Eileen was determined... to make the life of my six year old self... a living Hell... every single day... we found ourselves... alone together... never missing an opportunity... to belittle me... in front of her mother... sneering at how dumb... and stupid I was... when the intricacies of mathematics... eluded me... a subject at which she excelled... and at which I... alas... failed miserably...

I would get by sometimes... when my dear... dear... Guardian Angel Friend... Whose Divine Acquaintance I made... when I was about four and a bit... when He Rescued me... from being kidnapped... for the lucrative... Oriental Sex Slave Trade... occasionally Whispered the solution... into my right ear... during Math Class... as I sat at my desk... feeling idiotic beyond words...!

But the more Eileen... who was built like a steamroller... exhibited her smoldering... negative feelings towards me... the more she made me feel... as if I was her elder sister... even though she was quite a bit taller... than I was...!

And my understanding heart... overflowing with deep compassion... for her terrible sickness... growing more and more... with each passing day... made me treat her exceptionally kindly... which only made her resentment of me... burn ever fiercer... in her hating breast...

And she probably would have caused me... serious bodily harm... eventually... but luckily for me... she feared her mother's wrath... just enough... not to attack me physically... resigning herself... to giving me doses... of her piercing... glaring stares... out of her dark brown eyes... instead... whenever I turned my head towards her... as we lay in our adjacent beds...

And it would drive her crazy... whenever I quietly said... with all the sincerity... that was in me... that I understood her hatred of me... perfectly well... and how it was my fondest wish... that we become friends one day... always simply smiling serenely... right back at her... totally unfazed... by her venomous... fierce looks...

Eileen must have been very relieved... when I was removed... about six months later... to our Canadian Math teacher... Miss Maclean's house... when I contracted contagious chicken pox... the only childhood illness... I ever experienced...!

But when I returned... a few weeks later... all nicely healed... and armed with my precious new Shirley Temple doll... standing encased... in one side of her special steel trunk... and in the other side... lovely dresses hanging on hangers... below which were a row of shoes... costumes from her charming movies... and half eaten box of golf ball shaped chocolate lollipops... both presents sent to me from New York... by my adored Papa... more than happy... to have her play with my doll... and share my candy... she was livid with envy... and refused any overtures of friendship... on my part...

But the day ultimately came... soon after... when Elena/Eileen exploded... and she went on a rampage of uncontrollable... frenzied fury... while I was away in class... at my favorite French Lesson... satisfying herself... by tearing into my few cherished possessions... gleefully smashing... my exquisite Shirley Temple doll... repeatedly... against the edge of our shared chest of drawers... managing to break... my treasured and only doll's legs... and tearing up the pages... of my favorite animal book... and precious "Arabian Nights"... and my collection of Japanese fairy tales...!

So engrossed was she... in her vengeful... destructive actions... that she was totally unaware... that her mother... was standing in the doorway... shocked into disbelieving immobility... by her daughter's frenzied behavior... alarmed at the manic expression... in her enormous... bulging eyes... and at the ferocity... with which she attacked her loathed and despised roommate's belongings...!

But when her daughter Elena... whom she refused to call Eileen... grabbed up a pair of scissors... lying near by... and headed for the shared closet... where our school uniforms were hanging... neatly washed and ironed... a further reminder to her... of her mother's loving handiwork... her mother became even more alarmed... and shaking herself... out of her stupor... hastily sped away... to summon Reverend Pott... the principal... for help...

But the poor girl... was in such an uncontrollable frenzy by now... foaming at the mouth... snarling like a cornered animal... her wildly disheveled... long dark brown hair... whipping about her distorted features... that it ultimately took four teachers... to subdue her...!

For the rest of that day... there was an excited buzz... running through the school... and a lot of heightened... wide-eyed whispering going on... between the students...which instantly and abruptly ceased... as soon as six year old Graziella... very curious... came into their presence...!

So that I never learned about Elena's frenzied rampage... of my belongings... not until I returned to my room... late that afternoon... after a vigorous session of physical exercises... with Mr. Turtle... from Wales... to do my usual homework... at the little desk...

And I found Mrs. Mendoza... waiting for a sweating... but highly exhilarated... tall for her age... "Graziella..." ... with her arms wide open... to envelop her... close to her breast... without saying a single world... after her most loving way... of perfectly pronouncing her name...!

And holding a very taken aback me... in her arms... for quite a while... she then led me to my bed... and sitting me down... still with her arms around me... and gravely looking... straight into my eyes... she very quietly explained... in her charming Portuguese/Hawaiian accent... what her out of control daughter... had done... to my precious belongings... that morning... and how very sorry she was... that she had not protected me from her anger... and jealousy... much sooner...!

And as I sat... cradled in her comforting arms... in a state of shocked disbelief... I dared to look around the room... and saw... to my great dismay... that all my precious collection of three books... were gone...!

And then I noticed the steel trunk... sitting on the corner of the desk... and breathed a sigh of relief... that I still had my precious Shirley Temple doll... at least...

But then my eye was caught... by a flash of bright red... and looking up... saw... to my amazement... that my precious Shirley Temple doll... was standing on top of the dresser...! And she was dressed in a beautiful... Spanish flamenco costume... which flared out... in flounces... which reached down to the surface... on top of it...!

And I instantly knew... that my beloved doll's legs... had been broken... and that dear... kind Mrs. Mendoza... had spent that day... sewing... and that her loving hands... had created the lovely costume... which would hide my precious Shirley's broken legs...!

And a surge of enormous love for her... swept through me... and with tears in my eyes... I hugged her... and thanked her... over and over... for her thoughtful kindness...

And then I tried my best... to hide my sadness... from her... at having lost all my precious three books... concentrating on the fact... that thanks to Mrs. Mendoza... I still had my precious... beautiful Shirley Temple doll... now transformed.. into a lovely Spanish flamenco dancer...!

Apparently Elena had tried to destroy the trunk as well... but because it was made of genuine... heavy steel... she had been unsuccessful... not even able to make a dent in it...!

Lying in bed that night... and all alone in the room... for the first time... reflecting on poor... consumed with jealousy Elena... and what I had lost... through her... I sent up a prayer... to my Heavenly Father... for her... and thanked Him... for the Miracle... that had Prevented her... from being successful... in slashing my school uniforms... with her sharp scissors...!

Then I comforted myself with the fact... that at least all my other... precious Japanese domburi dolls and presents... and games... given to me over the years... by my succession of village Amahs... and Hana-san and Cook-san... were safely in my very own bedroom... at Mummie and Papa Alfred's house... waiting for me to enjoy them... during the forthcoming Christmas school holidays...

For some strange reason... in Elena's rampage... she had overlooked Shirley Temple's adorable wardrobe... which were replicas of her costumes... from her movies... simply concentrating on ripping only her... out of her receptacle... where she stood... in one side of the trunk...!

So now what I was left with was a wardrobe... in the other side of the trunk... which was full of lovely dresses and shoes... which my precious Shirley... was no longer able to wear... because the dresses... would have shown her broken legs... and she no longer had any feet... to wear the cute little shoes...!

So since Shirley Temple... was the only doll I had... at the school... I quickly gave away... my precious trunk wardrobe... to the first little girl... day scholar... I took to... who was from Belgium... And she was delighted... to have them... for her favorite doll... who only had the one dress... she was wearing... and the one pair of shoes... on her feet... and who knew all about the world famous child movie star... Shirley Temple... and loved her... as much as I did...!

It was never made quite clear to me... what happened to Elena/Eileen... after that terrible day... for we no longer shared the same room together... And since we did not attend the same classes... except for Math... where she stonily ignored me... I saw very little of her... from then on...

And whenever I happened to be at the school... instead of away... at the lovely beach house... of the Gandossi's... my Italian boyfriend Guido's family... to which Prima... Remo and I... were frequently invited... to spend our weekends... whenever Papa and Xenia... were overseas... on their combination business/pleasure trips... I would only catch short glimpses of her... Mrs. Mendoza... and "Papa Bear" Pott... making sure... that her daughter and I... were strictly kept apart... from each other...!

And for the rest of the next almost four years... I was very fortunate... to have the room... all to myself... with sweet Mrs. Mendoza... whom I adored... always like a tender... loving mother towards me... like the times... when she would reassuringly cradle... already tall me... in her arms... through the terrifying nights of earthquakes... and roaring typhoons... every year... between the months of October and March...!

For there were no other permanent boarders... at the school... who were as young as I was... being the only six year old student... who was too tall for her age...!

Chapter 14
A Gross Insult... To The Discerning Palate... Of Being Forced To Eat... The Most Unappetizing Form... Of English Cooking... Ugh...!

At the kindly... warm-hearted Gandossi's... the weekend Italian specialties... such as Spaghetti Bolognese... Lasagna... or Linguine Alfredo... were always deliciously seasoned... and hearty... and most satisfying...

But the bland... unappetizing... unimaginative English food... served at the ISY... during the week days... in particular... at lunch and dinner times... were the worst... and torture... for me to swallow...!

First of all... being forced to eat a dish... containing five stewed prunes... swimming in revolting-looking... dark brown thickish liquid... first thing every single morning... imbued in me a life-long aversion... to those shriveled-up looking... unappetizing objects of food... never mind how much they are loaded... with healthful vitamins... and contributed to regular bowel movements...!

The hateful prunes... were followed... by a bowl of porridge... which was quite palatable... if you added some milk... and a little sugar to it... (for some strange reason... sugar and I have never been great friends... for the consumption of it... always manages... to hurt my teeth... starting as a very young child...!)

And then... as I grew older... anything sweet tasting... as the first ingested food... was prone to giving me peculiar pains... in the head... which invariably would branch out... into the full-scale... dreaded migraine attacks...!

(This was a regular affliction... which I was destined... to begin suffering... from my very first period on... already when I was almost twelve... as a form of purification... on a very deep level... of my noble ancestors' grossly evil sins... committed against those poor unfortunates... in their power... every three weeks... and which continued... even after... my necessary pan hysterectomy... when I was thirty-seven...!

And which finally... Praise God... ended... overnight... a few years ago... in my mid seventies... when my dear Angel Guardian Angel Friend... Informed me of that Fact... by Whispering into my right ear... as usual...!)

Then we were served... two soft boiled eggs in egg cups (my second way... of knowing... and liking how to eat them... the first way being raw)... with a plate... on which were two slices... of white toasted bread... and a small square pat of butter - never enough for me... because the bread... being too dry... for the narrow gorge... of my long neck... would invariably cause me to choke on it...!

(All my life... I have easily choked on food... with the nasty sensatuion... of my throat being closed up...! And I did not know... until I was in my late sixties... when a medical procedure... in hospital... finally corrected it... that I was actually born... with a marked restriction... of the deodenum... of my digestive system...!)

And of course... as accompaniment... there was the traditional English standby... Rose's Orange Marmalade... the very same brand... that was endorsed... by the British royal family... accompanied by... either a glass of milk... for the younger children... or cups of tea... for the older students...

Here we have a strange phenomenon where... because I very much liked the taste and texture of it... I was quite unaware... of the harmful... negative effect... it was having... upon my body...!

I am speaking of the dairy product milk which... only upon reaching my mid-thirties... I finally came to realize... was the culprit... that caused an irritation... in my throat... invariably forcing me to clear it often... for about thirty minutes... every single time... soon after I finished drinking... a delicious glass of ice cold milk... to the annoyance of everyone... within earshot... be it members of my family... then teachers or co-pupils... as a child... at the ISY... or friends... and employers... and co-workers... as an adult...!

But strangely... Cook-san's daily preparation of his delicious... special "Chichi Supu"... for his little Sera-chan... being made of a mixture of milk and seasoned flour... never irritated my throat... not once...!

Luncheons and dinners... at the ISY... were the worst for me... who was so used to delighting my taste buds... on richly seasoned... tasty European... and Japanese cuisine...

But the bland... English way... of cooking... consisting of various dishes... of unseasoned boiled foods... either rubbery beef... or chicken... with all the natural juices... cooked away... or boiled fish... usually cod... everything served with uninteresting looking... limp... and over-boiled vegetables... could hardly be enjoyed... being most unappealing... in looks... and barely palatable... in taste...

So that I developed the life-long habit... of sprinkling great amounts of salt... on my food... before even tasting it...!

Which actually turned out to be a blessing... in disguise... in the end... for when my twelve year old lungs were examined... by the Swiss authorities... which condition was to decide... whether or not... they would allow me... to reside in their country... the doctor had discovered a shadow... on one of them...!

And he had exclaimed... how fortunate I was... to have a physical system... that was abundantly saturated with salt... which... in his opinion... no doubt... had prevented the spread of tuberculosis... and perhaps even been instrumental... in healing my diseased lung...!

The only bright sparks... in the otherwise dull... unappetizing meals... were the desserts... consisting of either blancmanges... custards or puddings... of various flavors... so that when we got up... to leave the table... we at least had the delicious flavors of either vanilla... chocolate... strawberry or banana... lingering in our mouths...

Except when caramel custard... or butterscotch... was on the menu - the taste of burnt sugar... whether in desserts or candy... has always made me nauseous...!

Apart from the revolting stewed prunes... we were never served fruit... or green raw salads... or cheese... or even soup... with our meals... ever...!

And as far as sweets were concerned... we were normally issued... three pieces of candy... each... every Saturday afternoon... as a treat... provided we had not infringed any House Rules...!

I always opted... for the sour lemon drops... or peppermint rock candy... sucking on each piece slowly... so that I could savor its unique flavor... for as long as possible...

And as far as snacking in between meals was concerned... it was strictly forbidden... at least whilst on the school grounds... and only water was allowed... for refreshment...

The bland tasting... unappetizing English food was tolerable... because there was a wonderful relief from it... on every Wednesday evening...

Because that was the wonderful time... when we... the International Choir... not only joyously sang glorious Praises to God... our Heavenly Father... but there were always some delicious specialties... lovingly prepared and cooked... by some of the lady members... from different countries... for us to happily feast on...

Now I understand... even more fully... why I have always so easily preferred Japanese... and other Oriental cuisine... not only for their unique... delicate flavors... but because of their "slippery" textures... never over cooked... often raw...

From my earliest memory... I have been accustomed... to swallowing raw eggs... with my bowl of boiled rice... incidentally excellent for enhancing the sound of one's vocal chords... for... acting like a rich lubricant... their texture produces full... velvety tones... which I found out... particularly... when I became a fledgling opera singer... at the age of only sixteen... standing at five feet ten inches...!

When I found out... at the age of about eight... that all our meals... at the school... were being prepared... by a Japanese Cook-san... I was horrified...!

And determined to find out... why all his food was so unappetizing... and unseasoned... I angrily confronted him... in the kitchen...

And railing at him... in fluent Hiragana... he responded most apologetically... with many bows... and "Gomen na sais"... explaining that he was under strict supervision... to cook food... in only the English way... and no other... and how every such meal... he was forced to cook... greatly saddened his heart...!

I thought of going to "Papa Bear"... and appealing to him... but then realized... that I would be greatly insulting him... because all his life... he had probably been accustomed... to only the English way of cooking... thus believing it to be the best... he was offering his International students... who... out of great respect... and love for him... never complained...!

Chapter 15
The Extremely Well Organized... Orderly Fashion... In Which The ISY... Was Being Run... And Operated...!

The offices of our principal... Reverend Reginald Percival Pott... were also situated... in the boarding section... of the building... on the ground floor... bending into the huge dining hall/auditorium...

And above it... on the second floor... was a long row of schoolrooms... with sliding wooden doors... in which students... from the ages of five to eighteen... were instructed... according to the British school system... and its precepts...

We were all issued school uniforms... one kind of outfit for autumn... winter and spring... and another for the summer months... which we were all expected to wear... whilst on the school grounds...

For the cooler seasons... we wore a dark grey... beltless woolen tunic... with a square neckline... underneath which we wore a long-sleeved white shirt... made of heavy cotton... with a plain red necktie... looped like the boys did theirs... and woollen... knee-high stockings of grey... with a wide red band... around the top edge... always to be worn... folded over... precisely four inches...

And for the shorter summer months... we wore light-weight cotton dresses... each one in soft pastel shades of either pink... blue... green or yellow... straight and also beltless... for ease of movement... with narrow... white Peter Pan collars... and likewise narrow turned up bands of white... on the short sleeves...

Reverend Pott's entourage of excellent teachers... consisted of himself... as the principal... and Misses Mann and Bell... Mr. Turtle... and Miss MacLean...

Miss Mann was the epitome of her name... tall and large-boned... who... like a man... always took long strides... when she walked... She was slightly swarthy of complexion... with an enormous wart on her chin... out of which a fat black hair grew - ugh... repulsive to look at... And she had a long... horsey face... wearing her jet black hair... in a short no-nonsense bob... humorless... never smiling... very mannish in dress and manner...

And although she looked the epitome of the three "f's" - fierce... ferocious... and forbidding... she incongruously never treated her charges unfairly... or with excessive harshness... And when she opened her mouth to speak... out would come... quite surprisingly... the most charming... lilting accent... of the Irish...!

Miss Bell... who was from Scotland... and whose name suited her perfectly... by great contrast... was a small and dainty creature... looking very fragile... and ultra-feminine... always wearing lacy... frilly blouses... her delicate-looking... reddish-blonde hair... softly framing her heart-shaped face... in undulating waves... an interesting slant to her blue-grey eyes... giving her a natural demure look...

She also had a faint smattering of freckles... across her retroussé nose... her complexion otherwise... a peaches and cream... and charming dimples in her cheeks... And it was fascinating... to hear the distinctive Scottish "burr"... in her voice... whenever she spoke...

Both ladies were middle-aged spinsters... and were our excellent Geography and History teachers... respectively... extremely knowledgeable... in their fascinating subjects...

And then there was Mr. Turtle... a gay-hearted... well-muscled... handsome Welshman... forever bubbling with good humor... in his early thirties... with laughing green eyes... who sported a mop of curly red hair... on top of a round face... that was always red... from getting sunburned... and who had a most pleasing... light tenor voice...

His duties were to train us... in the athletic field of Gymnastics... the intricate parrying... and thrusting of Fencing... Basketball... Field Hockey... as well as coaxing our vocal chords... into producing melodious sounds in Singing... encouraging grace of form... in Folk Dancing... and dexterity of fingers... in Handicrafts...!

In addition to sing-songing our favorite silly ditty... which went...:

"Me do no... Me no care... Me go marry a millionaire...!

If he die... Me no cry... Me go marry another guy...!"

...we devised another silly ditty... to remember our teachers' names by... which went...:

"The Mann put the Turtle in the Pott... and the Bell rang...!"

We also had Miss Shapiro.. a very studious... accomplished pianist... also in her mid-thirties... who was a Russian Jew... She would come to the school to teach... whenever there was a pupil... taking piano lessons... usually twice a week... such as in the case of her favorite piano virtuosi... Prima and Remo... whose accomplished piano playing... she was forever praising... with great approval...

When Miss MacLean... our Canadian Math teacher retired... about two years later... at the age of seventy-five... Reverend Pott took over... as our Math and Geometry teacher... as well as continuing to teach us English and Latin... in addition teaching Algebra... to the older students only...

Everything was fine at the ISY... from the very outset... of each student's attendance... from the youngest... to the oldest... being treated... as an intelligent human being... of whom it was expected... that he or she... become responsible... by observing certain House Rules... so that the whole school... could be run... in an orderly fashion...

Reverend Pott was convinced... that his idea... of treating his motley throng of International students... with their varied backgrounds... of culture... traditions... and customs... and religions... from all different parts of the world... as self-respecting... intelligent... reasoning human beings... was indeed a good one... and seeming to work out beautifully... for all in all... they seemed to be very well behaved... towards one another...

In his wisdom... he had very cleverly devised... a very simple way of instilling... a sense of worth... in his pupils... making each and every one of his charges... feel responsible... for one another... by dividing all the students... from the very youngest... to the oldest... into becoming members... of one of the five Houses...: Red... Blue... Green... Yellow or White...

So that... whenever a pupil committed an infraction... depending on the House... he or she belonged to... a mark of demerit... would automatically be entered... against that House...

For instance... if the Red House... had won the Basketball... or Hockey match... playing against the Blue House... the previous weekend... because a member of the Red House had been... let us say... caught talking in class... during a lesson... the following week... the Blue House would have automatically won that match... by dint of the culprit pupil's default...

Thus each individual... throughout the school... no matter what age... was made acutely aware... of his/her responsibility... to his/her respective House...

And in order to avoid favoritism... or cliques forming... as every new term started... the selection process of members... for each House... was carried out... by drawing slips of paper out of a hat... in rotation... until each student... had drawn a different House... from the term before...

How incredibly wise... Reverend Pott was... in his endeavor... to treat all human beings... of all ages and races... fairly... and equally... and without prejudice... of any kind...

So that we... in turn... following his excellent example... grew up free of racial... or any other kind of prejudice... ever tolerant and mindful... of our fellow human beings... no matter what color... or race... for we were all truly brothers and sisters... in the Eyes of God... our Creator... and we tried to remember to be kind... and considerate... towards one another... at all times... despite our national... and religious differences...

Chapter 16
An Equal Combination Of Education... And Sports... At The ISY...!

Mealtimes... were always observed and eaten... in the huge dining hall... below the classrooms... the eighty or so pupils seated... at either of four long tables... strictly supervised... by one of our teachers... sitting at the head of each table... where all conversation... was forbidden... once a student sat down...

Except to quietly ask for condiments... to be passed along... and then only in the current language... of the week... which could be either French... German... or even Latin and Japanese...!

So that if French... happened to be the selected language of the week... and a student had forgotten... what the French word for "butter" was... for example... then he or she... would be forced to forego having any...!

I did not mind the strict discipline at all... and loved all the school lessons... except for Arithmetic and Geometry which... incidentally... I have never had a real use for... throughout my life... except for simple addition... multiplication and division... so that I could manage... the handling of money...

However... possessed of an instinctive flair... and ear... for foreign tongues... I soon mastered the languages of English... Latin and French... with the greatest of ease...

And since I already spoke fluent Japanese... both upper class Hiragana... remembered from my previous incarnation... and colloquial Katakana... from my succession of village Amahs... having been my main languages... for the past five years... I could honestly say... that by the age of eight... I could speak and write... already in five languages...!

I would love to have learned German also... like Prima and Remo were studying... to both speak and write... so that by the time... our next Christmas holidays... with dear Papa Alfred... Mummie and their baby son Hansi... rolled around... at the end of that year... I would be able to proudly converse with Papa Alfred... in his own mother tongue...

But... sad to say... German was not in my class curriculum... the language considered to be too complicated... for six year olds to learn... so that I had to content myself... with learning to speak and write in English... Latin and French... and write in Japanese... only...

English History fascinated me no end... making me aware... how very long... mankind had been populating the planet earth... reading about each bloody war of theirs... whether against the Vikings... or the Goths... and later on... against Spain and France... and even India... and South Africa...!

And learning about the past of Britain... made me realize... that mankind... on the whole... had actually learned very little... about love and compassion... for their humankind... as they went about... making the same monumental blunders... over and over... under God... brother against brother... reveling in warring against each other in battle... killing... pillaging... raping... and looting each other... indiscriminately...!

So tragic... that each nation... was ruled by the ever diabolical emotional mixture... of fear and greed... fearful that if they did not show their might... and power... abroad first... they would be challenged... overpowered... and conquered... themselves...

How sad... that even unto this very day... in the year 2009... mankind still has not learned... to truly trust his fellow man... still is primarily governed... by fear and greed... only now it is the fear of nuclear annihilation... and who will press the button first... the fatal button... that will ultimately destroy the whole world... and thus all of mankind...!

The greatest sin of all... alas... is the undeniable fact... that mankind... on the whole... keeps ignoring the indisputable Truth... that... in the Eyes of The One True Allah Almighty God... each and every one of us mortals... are His children... therefore... each other's brothers... and sisters... in the truest sense of the word... irrespective of the color of our skin... or how we choose... individually... to worship our Creator... or in what tongue... we happen to converse in... nor even whatever varied traditions... and customs... we nationally observe...

Brother fighting against brother... the one slaying the other... recommitting the despicable sin... of Cain against Abel... over and over... throughout the bloody centuries... continues to be the most terrible... heinous act of abomination... that man can perpetrate... against his fellow man... and is yet to be atoned for... either singly... or nationally...!

For no single... solitary soul... or nation... on earth... can escape... the Absolute Divine Law of Cause and Effect... Which Is...:

"As Ye Sow... So Shall Ye Reap...!"

And the Divine Proclamation of...:

"As Ye Do Unto Others... So Shall It Be Done Unto You...!"

Both These Divine Laws of God... are still in effect today... even in our modern... supremely advanced technological age... as the Holy Commands of our Creator... Allah Almighty God... as they always Have Been... throughout the centuries...!

More and more... we... mankind... seem to forget to abide... by the cardinal virtues of...:

Justice... Love... Prudence... Temperance... Tolerance... and Fortitude...

These are admirable principles... upon which the whole of mankind... in his human nature... should be basing itself on...

Geography... on the other hand... taught me how fascinatingly big... our planet earth... really is... and I hungered with curiosity... to see what the rest of the world looked like... beyond the Sea of Japan... and the Pacific Ocean...

Hoping and praying... that some day soon... God Would Grant me my wish... to explore other nations... learn more about other cultures... a tantalizing taste of which... I was getting... here and there... from closely associating... with my fellow International school friends...

Little realizing... that in the years to come... in His Granting... of my fervent wish... I... the youngest of the Rau children... would be the one... who would become the globetrotter... the one to experience... after about two years in China... and almost ten years in Japan... living on various fascinating continents...!

This included... after five hellish years in Zurich... Switzerland... and a year in my beloved England... and a further two and a half years... back in Zurich... (nine years)... the dark continent of Africa... first living in South Africa... where I was personally exposed... to the extremely cruel... Apartheid Policy...!

Then in Southern and Northern Rhodesia (sixteen years)... and the continent of North America (now thirty-eight years)... respectively... with three fascinating years... spent... living on the island of Antigua... and sailing around the romantic... tropical islands... of the Caribbean...

And ending up... of all places... in the world... here in peaceful Grand Bay... Alabama... where I have been residing... for the past eighteen years... on three acres of property... inherited by my husband...!

Having been trained by Papa... from when I was a mere tot... in athletics... I loved all sports... from the deft parry... and thrust... of Fencing... keeping my equilibrium... staying nimble on my feet... adroitly avoiding the prick of my opponent's épée... to bouncing the basketball... and tossing it with ease... into the hoop... because of my exceptional height... of already five feet five... to running relay... and solo races... quickly earning for myself the nickname of... "Grazi-Longlegs"... because I could easily outrun... not only rivals... of my own age... of six and a half... but even the seventeen year olds...!

And of course... during recess... I would be either... happily jumping rope... or playing Hopscotch... or running around... playing Tag... always physically active...

Everything to do with the arts... I lapped up... loving to sing... especially first of all... all hymns and psalms... then operatic arias and ballads... songs of all nationalities... and the gaiety of Folk Dancing... mastering all the intricate steps... with ease...

But anything... requiring the use of my hands... be it the execution of lettering... on a piece of paper... or any fine line drawing... or painting with water colors... or sewing... or knitting... or fashioning any object... creatively... with my exceptionally long fingers... was a total fiasco... making my teachers... throw up their hands... in disgusted exasperation... and earning me the worst grades imaginable...!

And there were many times... when I would doubt the famous German artist's prophesy... who... while painting a lovely portrait... of my exquisitely beautiful mother... had told her... prophetically... when I was about four and a half years old... that I would do great things... with my hands... one day...!

And I had to wait another nineteen years... before I understood what the artist had meant... when my hands... finally became useful... by becoming a channel... for Divine Healing... when... in joyous service... to my Heavenly Father... His Holy Power... would Flow through my exceptionally long fingers... Miraculously healing the sick... and even terminally ill patients...!

But that's another story... all told... in "Seven Hells..." ... under the PART... relating to "Southern Rhodesia..." ... in the Table of Contents...

However... two incredible... incidences of Miraculous Healing... while I myself was lying gravely ill... in two hospitals... are fully described... in this book... also... under Part III... in Chapters 20 and 23... respectively...

Chapter 17
My Adorable Little Baby Stepbrother... Hans Reiner... Is Born...!

The day finally came... when the first school term was over... and I remember how excited Prima... Remo and I were... to be going home to see Mummie and Alfred... for Christmas... and looking forward to meeting our new baby brother... for the very first time...

It was going to be so wonderful... to be back in the warm bosom of Papa Alfred and Mummie's home... once again...

While we were away... at the ISY... Mummie had duly given birth to him... her second son... and on the very same day and month... as her firstborn son... Remo Guido... being July 19th...!

And because his father was Bavarian... instead of more Italian names... she and Alfred had decided to give him the German names of Hans Reiner...

From the very beginning... Mummie... for the first time... in her life... was feeling like a real mother... because at sixteen and seventeen... when she... as a coldly contracted for bride... in an arranged marriage... between her formidable Nonna (grandmother)... and twice her age... and ravisher... Theodore Rau... had given birth to Prima... then Remo... she had been much too young... to experience... any real maternal feelings...

And now she was totally captivated... by her new baby... her adored little son... happily living together... with her new husband... Alfred... in their cozy love nest... doting on him... showing how much she adored him... in a million little ways... always fiercely protective of him... like a lion over her cubs...!

She even stopped playing tennis so much... preferring to stay at home... with her precious little baby boy...!

As for me... when I first beheld him... during those wonderful first Christmas holidays... with Mummie and Papa Alfred... I instantly fell in love... with my little... adorable baby brother... at first sight... calling him Hansi... but Mummie... so fiercely over protective of him... would not even let me hold him... at first... claiming that he was much too little...!

I would have loved to mother him... happily taking him for walks in his pram... and thrilled to bits... if Mummie would let me give him his bath... but she never allowed me to fuss over him... like I wanted to...

But one day... she relented... finally giving in... to my constant pleading... and allowed me to walk him outside... in his pram... just for a little while...

And after more begging... she finally relented... and allowed me to take my adorable little baby brother... for longer walks... in his pram... and noticing how motherly... and tender I was towards him... Mummie even let me bathe him... occasionally... and I remember being puzzled... why I could not take him outside... to show him the beautiful white snow... on Christmas morning...!

That Christmas holiday... with Mummie and Papa Alfred... alas over too soon... was one of the happiest times... of my already turbulent life...

Chapter 18
Some More Fascinating... Shameful History... About Nippon...!

Many is the night... after yet another bloody history lesson... when I would find myself... in deep conversation... with my Heavenly Father... my heart heavy... as I contemplated the appalling Japanese history... whereby those in power... had been cruelly oppressing their brothers... like the gentle people of Korea... and Formosa... beginning way back in 1876...!

When Japan... in flexing her conquering instincts... ventured beyond her shores... for the very first time... and true to her national character... the way she had done it... was very sly... and underhanded...!

First... she had her warships... bombard the Kanghwa forts... then she obtained an acknowledgement from China... that Korea was an independent state... after which she very cleverly... simply "absorbed" her "neutralization"... into Japan...!

Her reasons for wanting to secure Korea... were obvious... since the peninsula... was the important "bridge" ... between her... and the mainland of China... and Formosa... because it was situated across the route... from the south... from where the European powers... in their reasoning... would have to come...

Weeping over the gross stupidity of mankind... I remembered... from my past incarnation... as the daughter of a ruling Shogun... how proudly... the Japanese Shogunate... the very name Shogun... derived from the title... "Great Resister of Barbarian Incursions"... had tried to remain in power... and how failure... to resist such incursions... had struck at the very core... of the system... leading to a general uprising... which in turn... had led to virtually all of Japan's ports... being opened to foreign trade... for the very first time... around 1856...!

Full of sorrow... at my fellow man's inhuman actions... towards his fellow brothers... my sensitive soul... agonized to my Heavenly Father...:

"How could my beloved Nippon... noble "Land of the Rising Sun"... have become so avaricious... like her European brothers...?

For as You Already Very Well Know... throughout the past seven years... she has been most active indeed... in her greedy quest... to acquire more land...!"

For instance... on September 19th 1931... Nippon's formidable armies... had invaded Manchuria...! By embarking on a rampage... of merciless pillaging... and looting... they had crippled the country... completing its occupation... by January... of the following year... taking a mere four months... to conquer the militarily ill equipped nation...!

It is no wonder... that the League of Nations condemned Japan... as shameful aggressors... in the year 1933...!

However... heedless of their condemnation... ever greedy for more power... more recently... on July 7th... 1937.. Japan's military hordes... had occupied Peking... China... as retaliation... for their own soldiers... having been fired upon... by them...!

And on the 26th... of the same month... Japan had launched a hostile attack against China... without even declaring War...!

And then... adding insult to gross injury... by the following month... their soldiers had landed in Shanghai...!

Continuing their aggressive rampage... across the Orient... Nanking was the first to fall... to the marauding invaders... on December 14th... and within a short time after... all of Northern China was taken...!

All the newsreel reportage... was devastating... when I went to the movies... always showing footage of "Nippon no heitai-san" ... in training... or on the march... the news reporter bragging... about yet another easy conquest... as the aggressive hordes... ruthlessly tramped across Asia...!

With Japan's armies... gobbling up region after region... city after city... throughout the length and breadth... of the Far East... I begged my Heavenly Father...:

"Oh Heavenly Father... Please Enlighten... all Your Created souls of humankind... from East to West... to be filled with nurturing love... and compassionate understanding... one for another... throughout the whole universe... and Your sons and daughters... kindred brothers and sisters... not hate each other... consumed with overwhelming greed... - Amen..."

Chapter 19
Magical Alpine Karuizawa... Where I Learn All About Agriculture... And Animal Husbandry... Taste Homemade Ice Cream... For The Very First Time... And Also Learn To Swim... All At The Age... Of About Seven And A Half...!

During our first... following short spring break... after a wonderful Christmas holiday... happily spent with Papa Alfred... Mummie... and baby Hansi... Prima and Remo... were invited to spend their break... at some friend's home... who was closer to their age...

So that I... being much too young for them... was sent off to the beautiful coastal area of Nara... by train... accompanied by Papa and Xenia's Amah... Hana...(meaning flower)... with Papa sending her to me... once again... to spend my short break... with him and Xenia... in their brand new... beautiful two storey house...

The first time I met Hana... was when Papa sent her... especially to nurse me... the never-to-be-forgotten day... I got so badly sun burned... when I was about five and a half... the unexpected... very first cruelty of Papa... towards me... on that horrible... shocking day... fully described below...

And now... at about seven years of age... visiting Papa and his new bride Xenia... at Nara... I had no inkling... whatsoever... in advance... that my sensitive psyche...would first be subjected... to two horrendous shocks... one after the other... then followed by a Miraculous Revelation... on that never-to-be-forgotten day...!

The first shock... was being abruptly exposed... to Xenia's false "Mask of Beauty"... and the second... a lewd... insolent young Daiku-san...!

But then... right after those horrible shocks... this God loving soul... Was Given a Miraculous Revelation... by Him...!

You Specially Chosen of God souls... may read all about that incredible Day of firsts... in great detail... in Chapter 2 onward... under Part I-B... of this book... and the Wondrous God-Given Revelation... is also featured... under the streamer... "Close Encounters Of The Spiritual Kind..."

When the longer summer holidays came around... later that year... a number of permanent boarders... were put on a train... and taken to Karuizawa... a fashionable resort town... a couple of hours... northwest of Tokyo... situated about 1,000 meters above sea level... in the "Nippon no Kozan"... the Japanese Alps region... which range of steep mountains... roughly divides the narrow main island of Japan... down the middle...

Being quite one of the most beautiful verdant places in summer... and covered with a thick blanket of snow... in the winter... it nestles high up in a valley... over which towers the awesome... periodically active volcano... Asama... majestically visible... in the distance...

Our main building... cabins and swimming pool... were surrounded by virginal dense forests... and clear... ice cold mountain streams... And during the pleasant... balmy days... the weather never getting too hot... because we were so high up in the mountains... we were introduced to agriculture... and taught how to grow our own vegetables...!

We even had some livestock... a friendly cow... who gave us fresh milk every day... and her calf... whom I named "Blondie"... because her coat was so silky... and of a pale gold... as well as a mean-tempered billy goat... whose usefulness... I never found out... poor Prima being chosen... to take care of it...

The funniest sight... was seeing my plumpish sister... getting led many a merry chase... all over the steep... rocky mountain trails... pounding furiously... after her wayward billy goat...

And just as she finally caught up with him... panting with the exertion of running... lunging for the long... trailing tether... he... watching her warily... out of the corner... of his bulging eyes... would... at the instant her fingers were about to touch the rope... get a devilish gleam in his eye...

And giving a frisky leap into the air... he would skitter away from her... then run down the steep mountainside...

This same hilarious scenario... every evening... where the billy goat would always be the one to decide... when to stand meekly still... to let his mistress... finally lead him back to his stall... would repeat itself... over and over...!

We also had our own hens... who obligingly laid just enough fresh eggs for us... every single day...!

And we even churned our own ice cream... taking turns... experimenting with mixing the flavors... of the different berries... which grew so abundantly wild... in the woods... which for me... was a first... and became... from then on... my very favorite kind of dessert...

But upon returning to the ISY... fully expecting yummy ice cream... to be on the future menu for dessert... I was dismayed to find... that it never was...! And wondered why on earth... we had been taught to make it...!

It was a wonderful summer... and I even learned how to swim properly... very cleverly coaxed... by both Prima and Remo...

I had no idea... that I would become so terrified... because whilst standing in the empty pool... busily scrubbing away... at all the greenish slimy dirt in it... I was not in the least afraid... not even when it began to fill with fresh... icy mountain water... coming up to my knees... and then up to my thighs...

But when the water in the pool... reached up to my chest... I was amazed to feel a sudden terror gripping me... recalling the time... when I was about five and a half...!

When during an outing with Papa... and my new Auntie Xenia... at beautiful Honmoku Point Beach... without any warning... while I was happily sitting... on top of Papa's broad shoulders... while he waded out... into the Pacific Ocean... he had suddenly tipped me over... head first... into the water...!

Expecting me to instinctively swim... I had greatly disappointed him... by becoming utterly stunned... and terrified out of my wits... had sunk straight to the bottom... like a stone... instead...!

Thoroughly disgusted with me... he had reached down... and hauled me up by my hair... and as punishment... he had forced me... to lie out... in the blazing hot sun... for the rest of the day... without any food... or drink... whatsoever...!

And when he and Xenia... finally brought me back home... to my mother... that evening... and she saw the pitiful sight... of her darling little Tzi-Tzi... standing in front of her... in shock... shivering... with chattering blue lips... and with her whole body burning... and as red as a lobster... she had erupted into a towering fury... such as I had never seen before...!

And angrily railing at him... while he stood in the front doorway... with a sheepish grin of guilt... on his face... losing control... she had whipped the gun... out of the drawer... of the small table... in the hallway... trembling with outrage... and shot at a very surprised Papa... fortunately only grazing his arm...!

I was rushed to hospital... where my whole sunburned body... and face... were first smeared all over... with cooling calamine lotion... then wrapped up... from head to foot... in bandages... just like an Egyptian mummy...!

And Papa... out of guilty remorse... had sent his faithful Amah... Hana... to personally look after me... and a gramophone... and some special records... delivered to the house... to distract me... from scratching... the unbearable itching... as my major sunburn... developed huge blisters... in healing...!

And every time... I started scratching... dear Hana-san... keeping a close watch on me... as I lay in bed... would get very agitated... warning me vehemently...:

"Iye... Sera-chan...! De nai hikkaku anakta no karada...!" (No... don't scratch your body...!)

And she would race to the gramophone... frantically wind it up... then put on a record for me... to distract me from wanting to scratch...

One of them... was my very favorite... "The Music Goes Round and Round"... which Papa and I... pre Xenia... used to happily sing together... with him accompanying us... playing his guitar...!

And now... about two years later... scrambling out of the swimming pool... in Karuizawa... nothing could coax me back in... even though the cool... clear blue water... looked so very inviting...!

Then Remo produced a rubber ring... from somewhere... and in between blowing it up... and looking into my eyes... very earnestly... both he and Prima... patiently explaining... that I could not possibly sink to the bottom of the pool... while wearing it around my waist - on the contrary... I would float very pleasantly... on the top of the water... they gently and lovingly... urged me to go on and try it...

Lulled into believing them... I put on the rubber ring... and very gingerly... sat down on the edge of the pool... dangling my feet... in the icy cold water... loving the way it tingled... lapping at my toes...

And after a while... trying my very best... to overcome my fear... dreading the idea... that my older sister and brother... might think me a coward... I signalled that I was now ready... to be immersed into the pool...

Whereupon... Prima and Remo... very gently lowered me... into the ice cold water... which immediately made my teeth chatter...

Becoming instantly afraid again... I begged them to take me out... but they smiled... and cajoled tenderly... that I had to at least try and move my arms and legs... and gently pushed... on my rubber ring... so that my already long body... was floated away... from the side of the pool...

Immediately I panicked... but seeing them sitting there quite close by... calmly observing my progress... with a watchful eye... was most reassuring...

And without thinking... I was suddenly kicking my legs... and slapping my hands... on the surface... loving every minute of it... thrilled to bits... when they told me... that what I was doing... was called the "dog paddle"...!

I was simply amazed... that I was not sinking... to the pitch black bottom... and becoming bolder... was soon happily splashing about... all around Prima and Remo... even venturing a little further out... from the side... where the whole pool... suddenly seemed to have become quite enormous to me... making me feel like nothing... but a tiny water bug... who was creating insignificant ripples... on its smooth surface...!

Then Prima and Remo... never taking their eyes off me... reassuring me no end... after a little while... beckoned me back to them... complimenting me... on how easily... I had taken to the water... just like a duck... they said... making my seven and a half year old heart... want to crow with happiness... at being the oh so rare center of attention... of both my older siblings... for the very first time... and at the same time...!

And then... without me being aware... of what was happening... whilst engaging me in conversation... Remo was surreptitiously letting the air... out of my ring...!

Then both of them suggested... that I had better swim off again... or else the cold of the water... would set my teeth chattering anew... and I willingly obliged... now confidently kicking... my extra long legs... sweeping my arms about... in the chilly water... happy as a quacking duck... being one of my very favorite animals...

Whilst I was thus happily engaged... showing off to Prima and Remo... venturing further and further... into the middle of the pool... I suddenly noticed... that the ring around my waist... had gone quite flat...!

And in an instant... the understanding dawned on me... that I must have been swimming... under my own steam... for quite some time... and Praise be to God... had not sunk...!

So... instead of panicking... without a second's hesitation... I swept the ring off... over my head... and laughing with Joy... kept on paddling... totally unafraid... loving every second... of feeling the deliciously cool... what I came to call... the Water of Life... caressing my body... extremely proud of myself...

I have Prima and Remo to thank... for so cleverly teaching me... not to be afraid of the water... undoing the damage... that Papa had thoughtlessly inflicted... upon my tender psyche... on that horribly cruel day... his very first towards me...!

Thereafter... until the magical day... of my wonderful... private discovery... I became a perfect pest to them... preferring to "dog paddle" ... in the refreshing... crystal clear mountain water... of the pool... every single day... but always begging them to be there... either to be swimming with me... or to watch over me...

One of my other favorite pastimes... was to immerse myself... in the Japanese wooden bath tub... every night at bed time... and because the water in it... was heated by the furnace... ingeniously installed... inside its frame... the water always stayed comfortably hot... never cooling... and I often dozed off in it... lulled by its soothing... steady warmth...

Chapter 20
My Discovery... Of A Secret Garden Of Eden... And A Family Of Tame Baby Frogs... Who Become My Adorable Pets...!

One fine day... after breakfast... on impulse... and true to my Aries pioneering spirit... I decided to venture all alone... out into the dense forest... fringing our main building... and the deeper in I went... the more hushed... and quieter... the atmosphere became... enfolding itself all around me...

And I suddenly felt overcome with awe... becoming aware... that I was being surrounded by giant trees... that were more than likely hundreds... or even thousands of years old...!

I had always felt a special kinship with trees... far more than with flowers... and had often wished... that they would talk back to me... imparting their ancient secrets of wisdom... For I instinctively knew... that they had witnessed much... throughout their long... long existence...

The deeper I ventured... the more I felt... as if I was standing in the Holy Cathedral of Almighty God...! And the hushed atmosphere... of the awesome forest... made me feel very reverent... and humble before Him...

My footpath was a carpet of thick leaves which... every time the breeze rustled through the branches of the trees... towering way up above my head... would send down a fresh shower... of silvery-green leaves... on top of my golden head... like a Blessing...!

All of a sudden... I came upon a mountain stream... and was delighted to notice... how it formed a miniature waterfall... a little bit upstream...

And giving in to another sudden impulse... I undid my braids... letting my long golden hair loose... threw off all my clothes... and waded... stark naked... into the ice cold... crystal clear Water of Life... first ankle-deep... then knee-deep....!

And by the time I reached the cascade... invitingly trickling down... in occasional gushes... from a higher plateau... I felt just like Eve... in the Garden of Eden... and happily splashed about... under the stream of icy cold water... my tall for my age... long... naked body... tingling all over...

All of a sudden... I felt that I was not alone...! Darting an anxious look behind me... I noticed three of the most beautiful... bright green baby frogs... that I had ever seen in my life...!

There the three of them sat... perched on a fairly large stone... jutting out of the middle of the stream... And I saw that they were all squatting perfectly still... staring unblinkingly up at me... out of coal black... inquisitive eyes...

And before I knew it... I was laughing... and talking to them... and found myself giving them their individual names...: "Emerarudo" (Emerald)... "Kogyoku" (Jade) ... and "Midori Akambo" (Green Baby)... for the littlest one of them...

For the rest of that magical summer vacation... they became my secret friends... greeting me with little squeaky croaks... as soon as they saw me appear through the trees... as I softly called out to them by name...

And in no time flat... I was letting my golden hair loose... and stripping down to the altogether... and wading into the icy cold stream... first heading for the little waterfall... where I jumped around... underneath it... vigorously rubbing my arms and legs... until my body had warmed up...

Then I quietly lay down... in the middle of the crystal clear water... and there my little froggie friends would be... crowding around my ankles... happily hopping on and off my naked feet... at first... then becoming bolder... as they became more and more accustomed... to my presence... they would even hop on and off my naked body... never exhibiting the slightest trace of fear...

I loved the sleek... cold feel... of their little bodies... their tiny webbed feet... tickling my stomach... And I learned... that they loved to have their throats... and backs... stroked gently... which would make them utter a kind of contented purring... as all three of them... sat in a row... happily squatting... on my naked chest...

Every time I went back to my secret hideaway... I half feared... that I would find my little friends gone... But throughout all the days... of that special... magical summer... I always found them there... waiting to greet me...!

And although very careful... not to stay away... from our quarters... for too long... for fear of having my presence missed... by my elders... which never happened... I was nevertheless drawn... like a magnet... to that very special... virginal spot... in the woods... many... many times...

Deliriously happy... to be nakedly whiling away many hours... with my newfound little friends... playing gentle splashing games with them... swimming... and gently conversing with them... in our very own... private little Garden of Eden...!

Although I would have loved to have shared my special Paradise... with everybody else... I instinctively knew... deep down... that something very precious... would be spoiled... if I took anybody else there with me...

Somehow... I knew that they would not understand... the special bond I had... with the enveloping trees... that surrounded me protectively... the gently meandering stream... and waterfall... and my cute little froggie friends...

Only just recently having been taught... by Remo... to ride the brand new bicycle... which had been my last Christmas present... from Papa Alfred and Mummie... I had been thrilled to be told... that it would be joining all the other bicycles... belonging to the older students... accompanying us on the train...!

And now that I also had a bike... like Prima and Remo... made me feel more like a part of them... and I happily cycled along with them... on their afternoon bicycle rides... along the trails... around the beautiful mountainous regions of Karuizawa...

Chapter 21
A Very Dirty... Cruel Trick... Is Played On Me... Teaching Me A Very Valuable Lesson... Of How... "Pride Goeth Before A Fall..."!

One gloriously sunny day... after my early morning romp... with my little froggie friends... in my lovely... secret little Garden of Eden... on a sudden impulse... as I got dressed... I decided not to re-braid my hair... but leave my waist long tresses loose... when I returned... to the main quarters for lunch...

And was delighted... when none of the elders scolded me...! And it was absolute Heaven... to feel the summer breezes... gently riffling through my long... wavy tresses... as I cycled along the steep mountain trails... that afternoon... with Prima and Remo... - a brand new experience for me...

I preened... pleased as punch with myself... as I sat on my brand new bicycle seat... and graciously tilted my head... smiling straight into the camera... as Remo took one snapshot... after another of me... And the look of admiration in his eyes... made me feel quite beautiful... just like my very favorite movie star... Deanna Durbin... about whom I'd been told... recently... that not only were our singing voices very similar... but that I now also looked like her...!

All afternoon... the other International girls there... of all ages... kept coming up to me... begging me to let them touch my beautiful hair - "spun like gold"... they said... in tones of whispered awe... in their different... charming accents...

And I... feeling so proud and happy... as if my chest were about to burst... would bend my head down... to their level... letting them run their fingers... through the thick strands... of my glorious pride and joy... which had finally recovered from the shock... of the Japanese school girl haircut... when I was about four and a half years old...

For once too tired to take a bath... I had fallen into my bed... immediately after supper... exhausted and happy... to have been the center... of so much admiring attention that day... so rare... for awkwardly tall me...

And as sleep overtook my contented self... I smiled... marvelling over the power... that my glorious crowning glory of hair... had exerted... over my school chums that day... making them act... ever so friendly towards me... smiling openly into my eyes... as they lovingly ran their fingers... through the thick golden tresses... that my Loving Heavenly Father... Had Blessed me exceedingly with...

And it was not until the following morning... when my school-mates descended upon me... en masse... suddenly bursting through the door of my cabin... without knocking... waking me out of a deep... happy sleep... crowding around my bed... smirking... snickering... and jeeringly pointing... that I was shocked... and dismayed... to discover... that my gorgeous hair... was matted all over... with wads and wads... of sticky pink chewing gum...!

And as the truth dawned on me... how false my chums' excessively friendly overtures... towards me had been... and why they had been so eager... to touch my tresses... tenderly running their fingers... through my golden strands... I became deeply saddened... by their duplicity... and cruelty...

The tears sprang to my eyes... and a heavy sigh... came out of my chest... But more than that... I was embarrassed... and very annoyed at myself... for having been so stupidly duped... How could I have been so utterly naïve...?

I watched... sickened... as all the girls took turns... traipsing around my small room... pantomiming my proud gestures... of the previous afternoon... cocking their heads... and smiling... as if into the camera... with one of them pretending to take pictures... "oohing..." ... and "aahing..." ... then going off into peals of derisive laughter... as they saw the hurt look on my face...

Finally tiring of their cruel game of torment... just as these girls... of all nationalities... were about to race back outside... their exit was suddenly blocked... by the appearance... of my tall... big brother... Remo... who had come to investigate... what all the commotion was about... in his little sister's cabin... next door to his...

And in an instant... all the girls were affected... by his tall... Errol Flynn look-alike... handsome presence... and some of the older ones... began to look up at him flirtatiously... sidling up close to him... batting their eyes coquettishly up at him... and giggling nervously...

But he ignored them all... and brushing them aside... strode purposefully... into my cabin...

And at the sight of his anxious... concerned face... something inside me gave way... and I burst into a torrent of tears... unable to stop myself...

And seeing how distraught I was... he turned angrily... on the simpering girls... and roared...:

"WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO MY LITTLE SISTER...?"

En masse... they recoiled... startled at this handsome dreamboat's rage... then shame-faced... with some of them bursting into tears... they ran out of my cabin...

With one giant stride... Remo was by my side... and sitting down on my bed... he gathered my heaving body... close to his chest...

It was the very first time... in my life... that my big brother... was tenderly holding me... in his arms... comforting me... as I sobbed out my sorry tale of woe... my face red with embarrassment... for him to learn how stupidly gullible... I had been...

Twelve and a half year old Remo... was exhibiting so much unaccustomed tenderness towards me... murmuring soothing words of understanding... This was a side of him... I had never seen before... and I thrilled to the bottom of my toes... proud to have such a compassionate... loving human being... for a big brother...

And when he took it upon himself... to comb out my thick hair... instead of summoning Prima... to do it... working very carefully... painstakingly... and patiently... separating each strand... from the sticky wads of chewing gum - over a hundred at least - at times having to cut away some of it... I marvelled at his gentleness... as he tried his level best... not to hurt me... by pulling down on my hair...

And it ultimately took him over two hours... to remove all the wads of chewing gum... and restore my crowning glory... to its natural shiny state... with only a few strands... here and there... needing to be cut off...

That first summer vacation... was quite the most memorable for me... Not only did I learn to swim... and make special friends... with three of the cutest little baby frogs... but I learned how easily... foolish pride could trip me up... the saying... "Pride goeth before a fall"... so aptly true...!

Chapter 22
This God Created Soul's Most Extraordinary Life... Which Is Specially Monitored... Guided... And Directed... By Her Beloved Heavenly Father... Allah Almighty God... And The Miraculous Way... In Which the Glorious Blessing of SUBUD... Came Into Her Life...!

In fact... I never quite realized... until I was well into my forties... that my whole life... has actually been Specially Monitored... and Guided... and Directed... by my Beloved Heavenly Father... Allah Almighty God...!

Simply because... as I grew older... especially from the age of twelve... onward... after dear Sister Theresa... was no longer in my life... came more and more... under the impression... that since I was such a brainless "dumb cluck"... according to my adored/feared Papa... God Would Be Wasting His Valuable Time... Spending it especially... on worthless... insignificant me...!

There was also the fact... that I naturally believed... that everybody else... also had Guardian Angels... Who Whispered Warnings... into their ears... and who... like myself... felt it was a sacred relationship... not to be talked about... with anybody else...!

Perhaps that belief... was a Blessing in disguise... after all... because it prevented me... from becoming Spiritually arrogant... regarding myself... as Being Specially Favored by God...

Here are some examples... about my unusual life... of Being Closely... And Divinely Monitored...:

Whenever I would become overly proud... or extra pleased with myself... whether in the way I looked... or because I had just happened to say something... really clever and witty... or had excelled... in an extra successful performance on stage... or because of some particularly brilliant accomplishment... like in a piece of writing... executed more than satisfactorily... I would almost instantly... in short shrift... Be Shown the error of my ways...!

...Either by Being Made... to trip myself up... literally... stumbling over my feet... stubbing my toes painfully... and sometimes... whilst in the act of preening... mentally patting myself... on the back... feeling as proud as a peacock... would even Be Made... to fall flat on my face...!

And this jolting... and embarrassing shock... of having my extra tall body... witnessed by others... Being Suddenly Thrown to the ground... by an Invisible Force... especially in company... would immediately restore me back... to my more normal... humble self...!

Furthermore... I have never Been Permitted... to drink more than three sips... at a time... of any alcoholic beverage... even while absentmindedly engaged in conversation... the fourth sip invariably... Causing My Upper Sensitive Lip... To Be Painfully Nipped... Seemingly By The Glass... Every Single Time...!

Also... every single time... of many... whenever I went to a Chinese restaurant... and happened to order Pork Chow Mein... because I was ever curious to know... what pork tasted like... without fail... by the time the dish arrived at my table... The Meat Would Be Stinking Rotten...!

And there have been other occasions... which I have written about... in my sequel to this book... my Spiritual Odyssey... "From Seven Hells... To Seventh Heaven... SUBUD"... where I was very definitely Shown... in no uncertain manner... for instance... after eating some Forbidden to me ham... by Being Made to Become Totally Paralyzed... for about six... agonizing... most uncomfortable hours...!

And while I lay in bed... with my entire body... Totally Paralyzed by God... feeling utterly helpless... The Stink Of Pig... Which He Had Forbidden Me To Eat... Oozed Sweatily... Out Of Every Pore... In My Now Six Foot Two Body... From The Very Tip Of My Scalp... Instantly Drenching My Thick... Long Hair... To The Tips Of My Toes... With My Soaked Nightie... Clinging Uncomfortably... To My Body...!

And feeling thoroughly ashamed... I heard the Voice of my Heavenly Father... once again... Reminding Me... That The Abomination... Of Eating Of The Unclean Flesh... Of The Pig... As Jesus Warned... When He Walked Upon The Earth... Was Absolutely Forbidden To Me...!

Even if I happened to be starving... at the time... which I borderline was... earning only $8.00 a week... as a lowly cleaning lady... for the Catholic church...!

At the time... I was Being Punished... not only by earning a pittance... but also by Being Forbidden... to worship my beloved Heavenly Father... in the Latihan Kejiwaan of SUBUD... and to observe the fasting month of Ramadan... most beneficial for the soul...!

Divinely Punished... because I had allowed... my unfaithful husband... to divorce me... against God's Will...!!!

He was very happy... living with a woman... who met his passionate needs... which I could never fulfill... because of the deep seated sexual trauma... I was suffering from... ever since I was seventeen... due to my brutal sexual assault... by a German POW... when I was a student in England...!

There is also the very real fact... that... even the smell of bacon... has always made me instantly nauseous... and the much too salty taste of it... barely on the tip of my curious tongue... has made me want to vomit...!

And whenever pork chops... were on the menu... at the family dinner table... in Zurich... Switzerland... pork being cheap... and plentiful... and not rationed... during the War... every single time... from the very beginning... when... always ravenous... because I kept growing and growing... I was curious... about the taste of it... as a piece of it on my fork... touched my tongue... I would immediately Be Made... to convulse into a Hacking... Choking... Coughing Fit... annoying my family... immensely... and which only abruptly Stopped... the moment... I spit the piece of pork chop out...!

Today... having reached the ripe old age of seventy-nine plus... I can honestly bear witness... and express my eternal gratitude... to my Creator... my Beloved Heavenly Father... Allah Almighty God... for Seeing to it... that I was Specially Divinely Protected... and closely Monitored... throughout my long... unusual... and most extraordinary life... According to His Perfect Will for me... His eternally loving daughter... thus...:

"Thank You Heavenly Father... Allah Almighty God... from the very depths... of my worshipping... grateful being... for Directing... and Guiding... Your loving daughter... throughout the moments... of her most unusual... extraordinary life... So Perfectly...

Knowing full well... that she was destined... to be a despised... rejected... unloved... embarrassing... and awkwardly too tall... love-child... conceived in adultery... yet born Miraculously... on Your Holy Day of Easter Sunday...! And whom You Had Caused to be Named... "Graziella" ... meaning "Little Grace of God..."!

Born Miraculously... because her exquisitely beautiful... Madonna-like... young... twenty-three year old... Contessa mother... had accidentally swallowed... a bottle of poisonous lye mixture... in her ninth month of pregnancy...!

And You Had Caused... an Amazing Miracle to Happen... by Making the Congealing Poison... Liquify... and Spew out of her mouth... as she fell to her knees... fervently begging You... for forgiveness... for having tried to get rid of the increasingly despised thing... growing in her belly... which was keeping her apart... from the loving arms of Arthur... the love of her life...!

And Your loving daughter... thanks You also... for Blessing her exceedingly... by Sending down to her... a Special Guardian Angel... when she was barely four years old... Who... at crucial times of her life... either Rescued... or Warned her... even though she defiantly disobeyed His Warnings... not just once... but three times...!

The first time... when she just turned twelve... the second time... when she was about twenty-seven... and the third... when she was about forty-two... which actually meant... that she was disobeying... Your Perfect Will for her... Conveyed to her... via her Guardian Angel... always Speaking in her right ear... thereby causing herself... great needless suffering...!

And for all those audacious... arrogant times of disobediences... of thinking that she knew better... what was right for her... than Your Perfect Self Did...! Your humbly regretful daughter... begs Your Forgiveness... for the more than umpteenth time...

And she Thanks You... For Never Letting her get... too far beyond the range... Divinely Allowed her... where she could be in danger... of drifting into the realm... where the satanic influence... of the seven cardinal sins... especially pride... could easily trick her... into foolishly succumbing to them...

And Thank You also... for the times... of my "Dark Night of the Soul"... when... for an agonizing while... You Removed from me... all awareness of Your Perfectly Guiding... Holy Life Force... inside my being... Which I had always felt... like a Gentle Vibration... ever since I could remember... so that I could truly feel the Reality... and Pain... in my soul... of what the hours... of my life were like... without feeling Your Constant... Loving... Approving Reassurance... inside me...!

And Thank You... for all the times... You let me be of Special Service to you... such as the happy occasions... when You Sent me to lost souls... to bring them back to You...

And then there were those years... when You Would Fill my hands... with Your Power of Healing... Making Sure... that I witnessed... many amazing Miracles of Healing... even of the terminally ill... with all the pre X-rays... and after X-rays... taken... showing that they were fully cured... amazing and baffling... the hospital doctors...!

And even twice... while I myself... lay flat on my back... very ill in hospital...! And both times... Healing thirteen stranger patients... all of whom... Your Heavenly Angels Had Appeared to... in their dreams... the night before... Telling them to go to... first the patient named Nadia or Grace... then a few years later... to the patient named Graziella...!

And it became obvious to me... that both times... I happened to be ill in hospital... there assembled also... were thirteen particular souls... whom it was Your Will... that they become Miraculously cured... and all at the same time...!

Those second number of thirteen patients... became my very last Service to You... of being Your most willing channel... for Divine Healing... because You Decided... that the time had finally come... for Your loving daughter... to become exceedingly Blessed... by being Inwardly "Opened..." ... and "Awakened..." ... to Receive an Increased Awareness... of Your Great Holy Life Force... through the Miraculous Glory of SUBUD... in her thirty-first year of life...!

So that she could experience... the most important process... of Spiritual Growth and Development... for her Glorious Afterlife... Perfectly Directed... and Guided... by You... and also be Gradually Purified... by You... of her own... as well as those of her many evil ancestors' sins...

And after I had attended... to all the thirteen stranger patients... except for one... whom I knew... from years ago... while lying flat on my back... too weak... and ill... to be able to sit up... suffering from yet another kidney infection... because I only had one functioning kidney... the other one never having developed... (until years later... through Worshipping You... in the Latihan Kejiwaan of SUBUD...) ... You first Put me... into a Deep Sleep...!

And as I awoke... some hours later... You Had Sent another one of Your Heavenly Angels to me... Who... Appearing before me... in all His Splendor... of a Snow White Business Suit... Commanded me... to Rip All The Tubes... From My Body... Rise From My Sick bed... Get Dressed... And Follow Him...!

And obeying His Command... as He Gave me the familiar... Super Human Strength I needed... to do so... as soon as I had ripped the sixth tube... from my body... without a drop of blood... I was instantly... Miraculously Healed...!

Thus Your Heavenly Angel... Led me to SUBUD... that very day... through a suddenly Materialized... Corner Tearoom... which Vanished... after I left it... via an interview... and prestigious job... finding for so long elusive SUBUD... at of all places... The Insurance Company of North America...!

The year before... just after my divorce... from mentally unbalanced Brian... in Bulawayo... Southern Rhodesia... a kindly giant... whom You did Not Wish me to marry... but I did... mostly out of gratitude... because he had nursed me... as an ardent fan... and perfect stranger to him... through the seven month long Coma... it was Your Will that I experience... yet another Miracle...!

Not only did You Cause... a Special Little Book Catalogue... with the quaint title of... "The Mystic Book Shop of London"... to Suddenly Materialize... right in front of two of your most devoted worshippers... my dear kindred in spirit... Greek friend Dimitri... and myself... in the Presence... of one of your Heavenly Angels...!

But as the Magical Pages Fell Open... on my coffee table... and we saw the book... "Concerning SUBUD" ... by John Bennett... advertised... and said the Holy Word of "SUBUD"... out loud... with a sudden feeling of awe... and reverence... inside us... pronouncing it correctly... as "SOOBOOD"... You also Caused a Strange Kind of Flutter... to Cross the Inside... of my chest... and an Explosion... inside the chest of Dimitri...!

Thus You Imprinted... within your humble... God worshipping souls... Your Heavenly Seal... of the Wondrous Grace... and Blessing of SUBUD... Letting them know... irrefutably... that all their years of searching... for a True Path... that would lead them... straight back to You... their Beloved Heavenly Father... had finally come... to a Glorious end...!

(During that long... long year... of aching longing... I had searched for SUBUD... in vain... first in Southern Rhodesia... then back in South Africa... immediately ordering... pre-paid... "Concerning SUBUD"... from the little book catalogue... with never a response from them... neither of the precious book... nor a letter of apology... that the book was sold out... nor a refund of my money...!)

And after being exceedingly Blessed... to Receive Contact... with Your Great Holy Life Force... which I felt even more strongly... Gently Vibrating inside my being... as I already had... ever since I could remember... there were those times... when You Would Send me... to Your Created souls... who were about to pass on... to the Glory of their Afterlives... but who were afraid... so that I could help them leave earth... peacefully... and Inwardly "Opened..." ... and "Awakened..." ... by Your Command...!

And then there were other times... when You Sent me... to save floundering marriages...!

And last... but by no means least... Thank You... For So Cleverly Curbing my self-destructive... willful and impulsive... Aries born traits... following which... always turned out wrong... causing me great suffering...

By Training me... with...:

"Now Inner Life Only... No More Outer Life...!"

...at the very outset... of Your Uniting me... when I was forty-five... but by Your Will... still looking twenty years younger... in Holy Matrimony... with one of your devoutly sincere... Beloved sons... Farlan... a comparative stranger to me... in a strictly Jiwa to Jiwa (soul to soul) relationship... which You Guided and Directed... Not Allowing us... to relate to each other... from our hearts... but only from our Jiwas... very difficult for romantic me...!

You Also Abruptly Stopped... All of My Working... In The World... which I loved... making my fiercely independent self... totally dependent upon him... a young man... who was twelve years younger... and whom I would never have chosen to marry... not being "my type"... besides the fact... that I felt it most unfair... that I could never have borne him any children... of his own...!

You Knew that Your loving son... genius Farlan... is a very rare... noble soul... and Chose him... as my husband... Knowing that he would take excellent care of me... throughout the so far... thirty-four plus years... of our marriage...!

And even after You Abruptly Stopped... the intimate side... of our union... for all time... after only seven years...! Forbidding us to divorce each other legally... until his soul mate Ismana... (my dearest "itoko" cousin... from my previous Japanese incarnation)... accepted him... as her husband... According to Your Perfect Will... for them...!

Immediately after which... You Kept me totally bed-ridden... for seven years thereafter... suffering one God-Willed Stroke... after another... and at the same time... Reminding me... "Allah Guiding..." ... and "Obey Allah..." ... as well as constant Reminders... that You Were About to Call me Back Home To You... at any moment... as You also periodically... Commanded me...: "Now Write... About Your Ancestry...! ... About Your Childhood...! ... About Your Life...!"

And especially during the past twenty-six years plus... after I rose from my sick bed... but continued to suffer periodically... with more God-Willed Strokes... Ancestral Purification Migraines... because of the evil deeds... of my ancestors of nobility... in power... and debilitating heart conditions... and menopause... etc... and even after I became blind... in one eye... about ten years ago... You still Command me... to Write...!

And Your Constant Reminders... that I am in my final end days... are Evidenced... by the sensation... of a baseball pressure... in my head... due to the many God-Willed Strokes suffered... over the years...!

You Knew... that Farlan... who had since become... only a SUBUD Brother... for me... would continue to be a wonderful... caring... nurturing human being... seeing to it... that all my needs... were taken care of... while he himself... born under the sign of Libra... and ruled by Venus... the "Goddess of Love"... is comparatively healthy...!

Yet this noble son of Yours... has continued to live a celibate life... for all these years... patiently waiting... for his soul mate Ismana... to accept him... as her husband... with her soul... residing in his Jiwa... and periodically... plaintively calling out his name...!

And Thank You... for Having one of Your Angels... Show me... the Magnificent Golden Cape... and Bejeweled Crown... that Your loving son... Farlan... has earned for himself... in SUBUD Heaven... because of his great generosity of spirit... when he freely offered... his inherited three acre property... called "Little Cilandak..." ... to the SUBUD Brotherhood...

So now... Your loving daughter... Thanks You... most sincerely... and gratefully... for her Beloved husband/brother/protector Farlan... and for all the Rich Blessings... and Perfect Guidance... Direction... Angel Protection... and Monitoring... You Have Granted her... including Seeing to it... that the forbidden to her... unclean flesh of the pig... was never eaten by her... and also that no more than three sips of alcohol at a time... were Allowed her... throughout her long... often turbulent life...

For all the above... and more... this trying to be humble... and obedient of your Will for her... loving daughter of Yours... Thanks You... with all her heart... with all her soul... and with all her strength... and with every fiber... of her ever God Worshipping being...

And Your loving daughter... thanks You... for all her significant SUBUD Names... at different times... as she progressed... in her Spiritual Growth and Development... such as first Grazia... meaning "Big Grace of God"... when You Added... yet another inch... to her already extra long body... to six foot two... then Laura... and then finally Muftiah... thirty-five years ago... as her very last SUBUD name... and which is to be her name... in SUBUD Heaven... as well...!

And she promises... when You Call her... to go to her soul mate Richard... as You Asked of her... not just once... but five times...! ... during Your very Special Visitations to her... as fully described... under "Heavenly Visitations..." - Amen... (So Be It)"

All of the above... wonderfully Awesome... Spiritual Experiences... of this ever trying to be humble to God SUBUD soul... now for the past forty-eight years... are more fully described... in her Spiritual Odyssey... "From Seven Hells... to Seventh Heaven... SUBUD..." ... as detailed in the Table of Contents...

However... under Part III... of this book... from Chapters 20 onwards... there are more fully described... some of the Incredibly Awesome... Miraculous Episodes... of her extraordinary life... as briefly described above... regarding Divine Healing... the irrefutable Proof... about the Miracle of SUBUD... etc... etc...

&&&&

Chapter 23
The Reason Why Spiritual Growth... And Development... Is Of Primary Importance... For Every Single... God Created Soul... While Still Living... And Before Leaving Earth...!

Perhaps I should explain here... to those Specially Chosen souls... who have Been Led here... to click onto this Holy Website... "SUBUD Stories..."... by the Angels of God... and not by accident... the reason... why I am Being Made... from time to time... to digress from the narration... of this adventure story... "From The Shadow... Of The Rising Sun..." ... as well as from my Spiritual Odyssey... "From Seven Hells... To Seventh Heaven... SUBUD..."... and also "Heavenly Visitations..." ... etc...

It is because... of the many Heavenly Visitations... from my Beloved Spiritual Father... Bapak... over the years... such as right now... on the Holy Night of Christmas Eve... December 24th... 2009... at 11.32 p.m... while re-editing this book... for the very last time...

Bapak... who passed on... to the glory of his Afterlife... when he was an old man of eighty-five... yet appears to her... in Spirit... as youthful... and vibrantly alive with energy... once again reminds his loving SUBUD daughter... to write here... of the importance... of sharing one's True Spiritual Experiences... with others... and that the very real Truth of them... are far more vitally necessary... for lost... frightened and bewildered mankind... to hear and read about... than any other subject...!

(This very special... Holy Date... happens to be an ever constant... bitter-sweet reminder... of the momentous... Magical Night... when... at twenty two and a half... I had felt a highly enlightened male soul... enter my body... at the instant my lover John... in whose arms I blissfully lay... poured all his love into me... thereby passing... into my receptive body... the oh so precious Drop... of The Water of Life...!

I had named my beloved son... Marco... and for four blissful months... John... who had longed for a son... for so many years... and his Choochi... had gloried... in his distinct presence... developing beautifully inside her loving being... with no discomfort... of any kind... such as morning sickness...!

But then... I am greatly ashamed to confess... I had subsequently "murdered" him... in the fifth month... out of fear and cowardice... when my twice older... married lover John... whom I adored... being a well known musical celebrity... and becoming influenced... by his envious of our love... so-called friends... fearing for his reputation... and popularity... being ruined... had threatened to leave me... if I went on with my pregnancy... thereby committing my first... and greatest sin of all... in my life...!)

(Our poignantly tragic... four year love story... is told in detail... in my Spiritual Odyssey... "From Seven Hells... To Seventh Heaven... SUBUD..." ... under the title of... "The Tragic Saga Of John... And His Adored Choochi..." ... as indicated in the Table of Contents... under the PART... referring to South Africa...)

Muftiah's Beloved Bapak... now dictates further... that one's Spiritual Experiences in life... are most important... because of the fact... that in front of every single... Created by God soul... there is only his Spiritual Life... and Spiritual Way of Living... in Eternity... to look forward to... and that the ongoing Development... and Growth... of his Spiritual Self... is all that he will need... in his Afterlife... nothing else...!

And that... during his lifetime on earth... he should be concentrating... primarily... on his own Spiritual Growth and Development... since the development... of his mind... and the emotions... of his heart... only useful to him... while living on earth... being his lower forces... will not accompany him... into the Paradise of his Afterlife... but be left behind... here on earth...!

Because if a soul... has not developed Spiritually... while still living on earth... when he passes on... into his Afterlife... he will not be able to move his Spiritually dormant limbs... nor use his Spiritually dormant speaking voice...!

There is also the fact... that for those doomed souls... who did not at all develop... and grow... Spiritually... while living on earth... their terrible fate... after death... is not to go up to any Heavenly Realm... but to remain close to earth... enduring what is termed... "the hell of being earthbound"... for they will continue to exist... ruled by their lower forces... as they were... when they were alive... which will remain... attached to them...!

This means that... all the while... they will be constantly longing... for their physical body... through which they enjoyed eating... and drinking... and smoking... and sports... and sexual pleasures... etc... which are now being forever denied them...!

This ever humble to God SUBUD soul... as Grazia... well remembers... the shock she experienced...when coming home... to the Hotel Residensie... one night... after Group Latihan... with her SUBUD Sisters... "seeing" a number of ghostly... pathetic looking... lost souls... hovering around... outside the hotel...!

And even more shocked... and dismayed... when she "saw"... that they had followed her... down to the cellar... and to the swinging doors... of the only Ladies Cocktail Bar... in the city of Pretoria... adjacent to the hotel's very popular Cellar Restaurant...!

She had experienced... a very Powerful Latihan that night... and during the twenty minute walk... back home... she noticed that her Inner Awareness... had become greatly heightened...!

And she now understood... why she had been able to "see" these pathetic... lost souls... as horrified... she realized... that they were waiting... for some weakened... drunk person... to come out... whose body they could easily invade... and take over... and possess... and through whom... they could enjoy their earthly physical delights... once again...!

At thirty-four years of age... this was Grazia's very first... unsettling experience... of "seeing" dead people...!

And thereafter... for the life of her... she could never go down to the cellar... and enter the Ladies Cocktail Bar... on the two Group Latihan nights... to entertain the patrons... with her songs... as she usually did...

But ignoring the ghostly... lost souls... hovering outside the hotel... she would quickly go directly upstairs... to the lovely hotel suite... which she shared... with her new husband... hotelier Rene Heere... a little fearful... that they might follow her... but to her great relief... they never did...!

From then on... until she learned to drive a car... in the USA... when she was in her forties... whenever she happened to walk past the establishment... of a bar... she would always "see" the lost souls... hovering outside... waiting for some hapless... weakened drunks to emerge... so that they could invade... and possess their bodies... and through whom they could once again...enjoy all those things they had loved... when they were alive...!

This is why it is so vitally important... that... a God Created soul... never allows himself... to become so weakened... through the imbibing of alcohol... to the point of drunkenness... which will expose him to the danger... of becoming possessed... by a lost... body hungering soul...!

And it is equally important... that... while still living on earth... a God Created soul... should get his Inner self "Awakened..." ... and "Opened..."... to Receive Contact... with the Great Holy Life Force of his Creator... Almighty God... Which Will Lovingly Protect him... and Cause him... to Truly Grow... and Develop... Spiritually... according to His Perfect Will...

So that... during the thirty minutes... of the most precious Latihan Kejiwaan... of SUBUD... men alone with men... and women alone with women... because their forms of Spiritual Growth and Development... are different... the Power of Almighty God... Can Gradually Bring To Spiritual Life... the dormant Spiritual counterpart... of their physical beings... by Moving His Created souls' limbs... and Activating their voices... so that they will be able to move their Spiritually Awakened limbs.. to walk... and run... etc... and speak... sing Praises to God... etc... in the Euphoric Bliss... of their Eternal Afterlives...!

And at the same time... the Power of Almighty God's Great Holy Life Force... Gently Vibrating... inside His Created souls' "Opened"... and "Awakened..." exceedingly Blessed beings... also Gradually Cleanses... and Purifies... their dirt... and sins... both their own... (six percent)... as well as those of their ancestors... (ninety-four percent)... which have been passed on down to them... through their blood lines... the heavy weight of which... they have been carrying inside them... the measure and degree of which... are Known only to God...

And there is the extra Great Blessing... of a Spiritual Bonus... where the Great Holy Life Force of Almighty God... Felt within His Created soul's Inwardly "Awakened..." ... and "Opened..." being... Will Guide... and Direct Perfectly... the moments of his/her life... so that he/she... will no longer think wrong thoughts... nor feel wrong feelings... no longer make wrong decisions... and make grave mistakes... causing themselves... and those around them... great unhappiness...

Thus God's Created children... in their One-on-one... unique Relationship... with their Loving Creator... will be Greatly Blessed... by Him... by living lives of Inner Peace.. Grace... and Harmony... with all those around them...

As it was... In The Beginning... when every Created soul of God... Had Perfect Inner Contact with Him... and had the moments of his life... Guided... and Directed... Ideally by God Almighty... whereby he lived a life of Peace... Grace... and Harmony... with all his kindred brother and sister souls...

Until the black day came... when God's Created soul discovered... that he had a mind of his own... that could think... and emotions... in his heart... that he could feel... gradually preferring to follow their dictates... instead of the Perfect Guidance... and Direction... of his Creator...!

And his mind... and heart... being impure... caused him to think wrong thoughts... and feel wrong emotions... which increasingly caused him... more and more unhappiness... the more he followed their dictates... and their influence...

Finally... God's Created children... crying out to their Creator... in despair... his Merciful Creator... Almighty God... Would send down to earth... a Spiritually Enlightened soul...

And this soul was Spiritually Enlightened... because... while living on earth... he did not follow... the dictates of his mind... nor the emotions... of his heart... but only allowed himself... to continue to be Guided... and Directed... Perfectly... by the Great Holy Life Force of his Creator... Almighty God... which he had Felt inside his being... like a Gentle Vibration... when he was living in his Spiritual Heaven... and now here on earth also...

And for a while... the people would follow the Perfect Guidance... and Direction... which the Spiritually Enlightened soul... Receiving from Almighty God... would share with them... and there was Peace... Grace... and Harmony... amongst them...

Until the sad day came... when once again... they... becoming full of their own proud egos... would prefer to follow their own clever minds... and emotions of their hearts... once again... gradually plunging themselves... first into unhappiness... then into despair... as they continued to think wrong thoughts... made wrong decisions... and were fooled... by the fickle emotions... of their impure hearts...

And once again... crying out to their Creator... in despair... He Would once again... Send down to them... another one of His Spiritually Enlightened souls... whose main message would be... that in order to Receive Bountiful Blessings from God... their Heavenly Father... and Creator... all they needed to do... was to sincerely surrender themselves to Him... in full trust... and faith in Him...!

And so... down the ages... the same scenario... kept repeating itself...with greatly Enlightened souls... such as Abraham... Moses... Jesus and Mohammed... Being Sent down to earth... by their Creator... to help the despairing souls... to surrender themselves... unconditionally... to their Creator... Almighty God... in full trust... and faith in Him...!

Only this time... through his last Spiritually Enlightened soul... Muhammad Subuh... Beloved Bapak to us... his SUBUD children... Almighty God Made it Possible... for this Beloved son of His... to pass on the Contact... with his Great Holy Life Force... into each worthy in the Eyes of God soul... Specially Chosen by Him... to Receive this Very Special Blessing...!

So that every Specially Chosen by God... Inwardly "Awakened..." and "Opened..." ... now a Richly Blessed SUBUD soul... can also become the channel... to pass on the Contact... with the Great Holy Life Force of Almighty God... with a SUBUD Brother... appointed by Bapak... as his Spiritual Helper... passing on the Contact... to another Specially Chosen by God... Blessed man... and an appointed SUBUD Sister Spiritual Helper... passing on the Contact... to another Specially Chosen by God... Blessed woman...

It should be made clear... that Bapak's appointed... SUBUD Helpers... are not necessarily... more Spiritually advanced... than the Blessed souls... being "Opened..." ... and "Awakened..." ... through them... The degree... and measure... of every God Created soul's Spiritual Growth... and Development... are Known... only to God... and they could possibly be... already more Spiritually advanced... than the SUBUD Helpers... passing on the Contact... to them... of God's Great Holy Life Force...

To explain further... about SUBUD...:

SUBUD is not a new religion... or a sect of any religion... Nor is it a Teaching... It is only a symbol for... "the possibility for man... to follow the right way of living..."

SUBUD is an abbreviation of the Sanskrit words... Susila... Budhi... and Dharma...

Susila... means to be able to live... according to the Will of God... as really true human beings...

Budhi... indicates... that in every creation... in every creature of God...including man... there is Divine Power... that Works within him... as well as outside him...

Dharma... means the possibility... for every creature... including man... to surrender himself completely... to the Will of God... with utter trust... and faith in Him... of whom man... is only a creation... and has... therefore... inevitably...to submit himself... to the Will of his Creator...

So in a nutshell... Susila Budhi Dharma... means to follow the Will of God... with the Help of the Divine Power... of His Great Holy Life Force... that Works... both within us and without... by the way of sincerely... and patiently... and unconditionally... surrendering oneself... to the Perfect Will of Almighty God...

Unconditional surrender... to one's Creator... meaning... that one will neither pray for... nor ask for... nor expect anything in particular... for oneself... from Him... but that only the Perfect Will of Almighty God... Be Done unto one...

Susila Budhi Dharma... is the symbol... of what we are practicing... in the Latihan Kejiwaan (meaning Spiritual Exercise)... of SUBUD...

This means... that whatever happens... in the Latihan Kejiwaan... is entirely Willed by Almighty God... and Comes to us... each individual... according to his unique nature... character... and personality...

Because there is the fact... that Almighty God... Who Knows... and Understands... each and every one of us... inside and out... and far better... than we know... and understand ourselves... Knows Exactly what we need... in order to ultimately Grow... and Develop... into becoming human beings of noble... excellent character... according to His Perfect Will...

This means that... during the Latihan Kejiwaan... of SUBUD... Almighty God... is gradually Bringing to Life... our long dormant Spiritual selves... so that we will be able to be fully mobile... in the Bliss... of our Afterlives...!

So that... in essence... during our Latihan Kejiwaan... of SUBUD... we Specially Blessed souls... are Being Prepared... for the Glorious Eternity... of our Spiritual Afterlives...!

Elsewhere... on this holy website... "SUBUD Stories..." ... is set up... the only general Talk... that Bapak ever gave... to the public... titled ""TALK TO APPLICANTS"... in which... among Great Spiritual Truths... Bapak explains a great deal... about the possibility... for a True... One-on-One Relationship... between Almighty God... and His Specially Blessed... Created soul... through the Latihan Kejiwaan of SUBUD...

Muftiah's Beloved Spiritual Father...Bapak... would like her now to refer you... the "Angel Tapped"... Specially Chosen Reader... to his book... "Susila Budhi Dharma..." ... which he wrote... more than fifty years ago...!

And that in his book: "SUSILA BUDHI DHARMA" ... Bapak wrote about the sad Spiritual condition of mankind then... and reminds the reader now... that what he said then... applies even more... to the sorry Spiritual state of mankind... today... because of its even greater advancement in science... and technology...

This means that man's material successes and achievements... through the power... of his clever thinking... upon which he has preferred to depend... more and more... actually leads him further and further away... from his Inner self... which means further and further away... from his Inner Contact... with the Power of his Creator... Almighty God's Great Holy Life Force...!

Read Bapak's own Story... titled... "THE COMING OF THE LATIHAN..."being his fascinating account... of how he... Muhammad Subuh... meaning "Dawn"... became the very first human being... on this planet earth... and in this century... to Receive Inner Contact... with the Great Holy Life Force... of his Beloved Creator... Allah Almighty God...!

And this Miracle... witnessed in the sky by thousands... Manifested itself... by a Brilliant Ball of Light... Which Descended from Heaven... and Entered... into the top... of young twenty-two year old Muhammad Subuh's head... late one night... during one of his customary walks outdoors...!

And this Holy Experience... utterly Transformed young Muhammad Subuh... who... for three hundred and sixty days and nights... with not a wink of sleep... or rest... was Trained... for his Holy Mission... which was ultimately to be called SUBUD... to pass the Holy Contact... of the Great Holy Life Force... of Almighty God... to other special... worthy in the Eyes of God souls...!

"THE MEANING OF SUBUD"... published as a book... are Four Talks... given by Bapak... in London... at Friends' House... during the SUBUD International Congress of August 1959... which are most enlightening... having become chosen... as the book for people... interested to learn all about SUBUD... to read... which this forty-eight year old SUBUD soul... highly recommends...

As Beloved Bapak... leaves his loving SUBUD daughter... Muftiah... he reminds mankind... once again... that this world... is actually ruled... by the satanic forces... and that is why evil projects... happen so easily... and are so successful... whereas good projects... have a hard time... getting established...!

And in order to be protected... from the evil influence... of the beguiling satanic forces... it is vitally important... that a God Created soul... remembers his Creator... often... throughout the hours... of his days and nights... and that he should call His Holy Name... at least ten times... every twenty-four hours...!

You Specially Chosen by God... dear souls... reading this... may be interested to know... that for the past thirty-five years... after her Heavenly Father... suddenly Commanded her... to no longer worship Him... as a Christian... but as a Muslim...! ... she Has Been Receiving... Extra Special Guidance from Him... Whom she was Commanded to call... by the Holy Name... of "Allah..." ... and no longer... her Beloved Heavenly Father... or Almighty God...!

She was also Commanded... not to study... the religion of Islam... with her heart and mind... but to worship Almighty Allah... Inwardly only... Islam meaning... for her... to be totally obedient... and surrendered... at all times... to His Perfect Will for her...

Thus... this ever trying to be humble to God soul... has been extremely Blessed... to call her Beloved Creator's Holy Name... at least a hundred times a day... and night...! ... by spontaneously Receiving... to utter the following Holy Reminders...:

"Obey Allah...!" ... "Allah Guiding...!" ... and "Amen Allah...!"

And also various Holy Reminders... that she should be ready to leave earth... at any moment...!

In addition... she also spontaneously Receives... from time to time... these Holy Words of Prophecy... such as...:

"Jesus Is Coming... Sweeping Across Time... Amen...!" ... "Giant Coming... Amen...!" ... "Nations Rising... Amen...!" ...

And last but not least... periodically...:

"Jewish Time Now Over... Amen...!" ...

And only once...:

"New York No More... Amen...!"

Curious to know... the meaning of "Giant Coming"... upon asking for Enlightenment... she Received an Awareness... of the Great Weeping... and Wailing... of suffering mankind... and the Great Sorrow... throughout the earth...!

So it appears... that a Giant Upheaval... is about to befall mankind...!

Also... this soul had a dream... wherein she saw giant beings... treading upon largely sinful earth... leaving great fires... of Purification... behind them... where they had walked...! And furthermore... they were able to read the minds of mankind... so that they could never be outwitted... overwhelmed... or overpowered by them...!

Chapter 24
Dirty... Nasty... Sex Obsessed Walter... Our Only American Student...!

When our glorious summer holidays... in Karuizawa... were... alas... over... and we returned to the ISY... there was a nasty... rude shock... awaiting us...!

And the nasty shock... was in the form... of a new male student... the only one... from the United States of America... whose name was Walter Standish...

At ten... he was as tall... and as skinny and gangly... as I was... at now a little past seven and a half... with straight... long wheat-colored hair... always falling in his face... and piercing blue eyes... boldly staring out of a tanned face...

He had a perpetual smirk... on his face... and was always snickering... annoying everybody within earshot... making them instinctively avoid him... like the plague...!

I thanked my lucky stars... that Walter was only a day scholar... and not a permanent boarder... otherwise I don't know how we would have coped with him...

Because he was a dirty boy... with a dirty mind... obsessed with sex...!

Us seven and eight year olds... didn't know the term for it then... being mostly innocent... so that we just came to label him... "Dirty-Waltie..."

"Dirty-Waltie" was forever cajoling the little girls... with the promise of some candy... into going behind the schoolhouse with him... Then once having lured them there... he would charm them... into lifting their skirts up high... then lowering their panties... to show him their secret place... usually with the promise... that they could have the candy... hidden in his fists... after they did what he asked...

But then... enticed... once they were standing in front of him... with their panties down... around their ankles... their dresses way up high... above their waists... he would sneer at them... pointing derisively at their naked "shu-shus"...

Then jeering at them... he would open his fists... to show that there was no candy... hidden in the palms of his hands... And overcome with shame... at having been duped by him... they would start to cry...

I never fell for Walter's dirty shenanigans... never went with him... behind the schoolhouse... for the old O-Baa-san... had taught me only too well... during my traditional Nipponese sex initiation... when I was about four and a half... about keeping my "himitsu no maho no zaiho" (magical treasures) inviolate... only for the eyes... and touch... of my Otto-san (husband)... when I became an "otona tsuma" (young adult wife)...

So that Walter came to hate me... and with a passion... and contrived a nasty habit... of waylaying me... hiding around the corners... of the long dark hallway...

And when I came skipping along... heading for my classroom... blithely unaware... he would stick his foot out... and trip me... sending me sprawling... hoping to get a good peek... up my skirt... But I'm proud to say he never saw anything... and only caught me twice... for I became very wary of him... and his nasty tricks... after that...

One day... we all - boys and girls his age as well - decided that "Dirty- Waltie"... needed to be taught a good lesson... and for life...!

And without even thinking... of reporting his nasty behavior pattern... to our superiors... we zeroed in on him - it was right after our session... of wonderfully exhilarating Folk Dancing...

We had just finished dancing the Maypole Dance... with him becoming my new partner... because he was a bit taller... than my usual partner... my adored boyfriend... Guido... Walter and I now leading everybody else... because we were now the tallest in our Dancing Class - same height of about five feet six inches...

And about twenty of us cornering him... of one accord... we joined hands around him... in a circle... in the middle of the school grounds... preventing his escape...

Taking turns... we told him... in no uncertain terms... exactly what we thought... of his disgusting behavior... and all the time we scolded... and railed at him... not a one of us... ever once laid a finger on him...!

When we had all had our turns... in giving him a good tongue-lashing... each one of us talking earnestly to him... he amazed us all... by breaking down in tears... his handsome features twisting... as he sobbed...!

And between heaving gulps... he told our gaping faces... that all he had ever wanted... was to be accepted... as one of us... nothing more... But because he was the only American... and taller than the rest of the other boys his age... he had felt like an outsider... awkward... and out of place... and tried to cover up the unpleasant feeling... by being mean and nasty...!

Then turning to me... looking very earnestly into my eyes... he begged me to please forgive him... for tripping me...!

And before I could answer him... he went down on his knees... and looking up at each little girl... he had humiliated... with tears in his eyes... and spreading out his arms wide... implored them all... to please forgive him... for tricking them... and for all the bad things... he had done to them... behind the schoolhouse... making them cry...

Seeing that Walter... was genuinely sorry... for his obnoxiousness... we all readily forgave him... and from then on... he was totally transformed... always polite and courteous... and considerate... with no more smirking... and snickering... becoming one of the sweetest boys... in the school...!

We discovered... that he had a penchant... for writing beautiful poetry... as well... and he subsequently won many prizes... for his sensitive imagination...!

Unbeknownst to us... Reverend Pott had been watching the whole scene of scolding... from his office window... and was very pleased... at the grown-up way... in which we had handled Walter... proving to him... that his idea of treating all his students... as self-respecting... intelligent... reasoning human beings... was indeed a good one... and working out beautifully...

Chapter 25
On My Tenth Birthday... I Become Secretly... Gloriously Baptized... By Dear "Papa Bear"... Reverend Pott... Together With My Sister Prima... And Brother Remo... At The ISY... On Both The Happiest... And Saddest Day... Of My Young Life...!

In October... 1939... the ISY was forced... to officially close its doors of education... but because Papa and Xenia... were still traveling overseas... together... on their long... extended business/pleasure trip... and Mummie and her new husband... Alfred... and baby Hansi... had sailed off to South Africa... expecting us to join them... when the school term was over... the Rau children... had no home of their own to go to...!

So they continued living on at the school... being the last of the students... carrying on with their education secretly... all three of them... in the same classroom... at the same time...!

It was a most pleasing situation for me... one that made me feel very grown up... especially to be a part... of advanced studies for students of Prima's and Remo's ages... now almost sixteen and fifteen... respectively...

Our teacher was none other... than the vastly revered principal... Reverend Reginald Percival Pott... an aristocratic-looking... handsome man... in his mid thirties... whose greyish-blue eyes... often half closed... always had a dreamy... faraway expression in them...

And yet... he had initially come to Japan... some fifteen years earlier... single-minded of purpose... successfully converting many Japanese people to Christianity... to worship The One True Almighty God...

Being an Englishman... and with his country... being at war with Japan... he knew he was risking his life... the longer he stayed behind... in Japan... but his concern... for the well-being... of the Rau children... far exceeded regard for himself... and his own safety...

Then he accidentally discovered... about six months later... that neither one of the Rau children... had been Divinely Baptized yet...!

I was just about to celebrate my tenth birthday... so he chose that special day... the 1Oth of April... 1940... to perform the holy rite of baptism... on all three of us... feeling the school... to be the wisest choice of place... to carry out the Holy Ceremony...

For he dare not venture out to his church... a mere ten minute walk uphill... away from the school... fearing possible arrest... by the Japanese "keikan" (policeman)... in plain clothes... who had been seen... lurking about... around the school grounds...!

But "Papa Bear"... Reverend Pott... need not have unduly concerned himself... because... by some Saving Grace... when the "keikan" happened to catch sight of him... and saw the clerical collar... and long black cassock... with hanging silver cross... that he always wore... he had mistakenly assumed... that he was a Catholic priest... and therefore protected... by his holiness... the Pope... thereby exempt from Japanese jurisdiction... and had gone away... leaving Reverend Pott... and the school alone... thereafter...!

I remember standing proudly... between my brother and sister... in the huge dining room... empty now... except for the small table and four chairs... standing in the center of it... the size of the school family... now reduced... to only the four of us...!

The rows of long tables... and benches... were now pushed against the wall... unused...

And as I gazed at them... I was reminded... with a pang of poignancy... that they had once been occupied at meal times... for almost four carefree years... by a chattering horde of students... of all nationalities... all excitedly jabbering away at each other... in their different tongues... until they were sharply reprimanded to stop... often reminding me... of how the Biblical story... of the "Tower of Babel"... must have been like...!

They were sadly all gone now... the huge room... at times... seeming to echo their young exuberant voices... and at other times... emanating an eerie... ghostly silence...

Dear Mrs Mendoza... had gone back to Hawaii... with her daughter Elena... and our meals were still being prepared... by the faithful Japanese cook-san... who had been converted to Christianity... years ago... by Reverend Pott...!

My heart was pounding... with breathless anticipation... at being anointed with Holy Water... thus forever putting an irrevocable Holy Seal... on my special... lifelong Inner relationship... with my beloved Heavenly Father... Almighty God...

And I felt a strange Shudder... Rippling throughout my whole body... followed by an overwhelming Wave... of indescribable JOY... spreading throughout my chest... in that instant... feeling very much Loved... and Accepted... by my Creator... as Reverend Pott... devoutly sprinkled my head... with the Holy Water... murmuring his words of Blessing...

And I felt my Heavenly Father's Love... Surge throughout my whole being... from the very ends of my hair... to the very tips of my fingers and toes... just like I had... on that memorable day... when... at only seven years old... I had begged Him... for this lifetime... to be my very last on earth... and He Had Blessed me... His loving daughter... with the most Incredible Heavenly Revelation...!

Then I experienced an overwhelming urge... to throw my arms up into the air... wanting to bend my head way back... so that I could look up Heavenward... shouting out "Hallelujah"... at the top of my lungs...

But paradoxically... at the very same time... I was also feeling very shy... and vulnerable... and humble... which immediately stopped me from expressing my high-spirited jubilation...

I can only speak for myself... because neither Prima nor Remo... shared with me... how they felt... about their Holy Baptism - I just noticed that they were both unusually quiet... standing on either side of me... with their heads bowed...

It was quite the most wonderful... Holy Birthday Present... I had ever Been Given... and as I basked happily... in my new Blessed State... feeling all dreamy and glowing... it took quite a while... for Reverend Pott's voice to sink in... for his words to penetrate... and bring me crashing down... from ecstatically floating... way up high... on Cloud Nine...

For what my adored "Papa Bear" was saying... shattering my wonderful state of Euphoric Bliss... in an instant... was that he was to bid us a final farewell... on the morrow...!

And as the three of us... reeled in shock... at his startling news... he went on to say... that he had just received a telegram from Mr. Rau... announcing his forthcoming arrival.... at Yokohama Harbor... from Manila... in the Philippines... the following afternoon... asking the Reverend... to please see to it... that his three children... meet the ship... the very vessel... that the Reverend himself... hoped to leave on... which was quite possibly... his very last avenue of escape... and more than likely the last chance... for him to get out of Japan...!

Hearing his words of doom... realizing that this was truly to be Goodbye... forever... between us... I thought my heart would break... into a million pieces... with overwhelming sorrow...

Chapter 26
My Very Special... Unique Relationship... With Dear "Papa Bear" Reverend Pott...!

And as it dawned on me... that "Papa Bear"... had just performed his very last Holy rite in Japan... I could not bear the thought... of never seeing his dear sweet face again... nor being under his intelligent supervision... for Reverend Pott... always treated all of his students... respectfully... and as persons who mattered... addressing them as equal... responsible human beings... from the very youngest of us... to the oldest...

Never again... would he be sitting on my bed... throughout the long... long night hours... selflessly devoted... to keeping vigil... at my bedside... gently pulling my gloved hands... away from my mouth... every time I instinctively started to bite my nails... in my sleep... understanding... at long last... why there had always been puzzling... ragged tears... in the area of the fingertips... in the mornings... before he started to keep bed-watch over me...!

And never again... would he take me up on his knee... when I was sent to his office... in disgrace... for having talked during class...

My heart always sank... when I found him sitting at his desk... as our Principal... hoping and praying... with every step I took... along the long... dark hallway... that I would not find him in...

Not because of the punishment... he was required to mete out... but because I was so ashamed of myself... for having been disobedient... thereby disappointing him... yet again... and I would have preferred the ground... to swallow me up... than have him see my devastating shame...

He... in turn... had a very soft spot for me... and always hated to see me sent to him... for punishment... and the tears would spring to his eyes... as he steeled himself... to give me the required disciplinary four whacks... on my open left palm... with his ruler... hating every moment... he was inflicting pain... on his precious little "Goldilocks..."

And when it was over... he would see me bravely trying to hold back the tears... hiccupping... not because of the physical pain... which was bad enough... my palm red and stinging... for hours afterwards... but because of the terrible shame... of having him as a witness... to my naughtiness...

He would be so sorry... for having had to hurt his precious little "Goldilocks" - his pet name for me... and I... in turn... would always call him "Papa Bear" - that... after my punishment... he would immediately heft me up onto his knee... hugging me close to him... telling me how much he had hated... having to punish me...

And then... speaking in soft tones... he would express his hope... that I would understand... that it was to teach me necessary self-discipline... for my life in the future... and how important it was... for his six year old little "Goldilocks"... to be ever mindful... of the Divine Rules... the Golden... as well as the Ten Commandments...

And he would remind me... also... to be ever considerate... and mindful... of my responsibilities towards others... that is if I wanted to become a truly Divinely Favored daughter of Almighty God... our Heavenly Father...

There had been that terrifying time... when I had found a watch... on the school grounds - I must have been about six and a half then - and without thinking... I had picked it up... and put it in my tunic pocket... with the intention of turning it in to "Papa Bear"...

But some Russian student... had spotted me pocketing the watch... and had shouted out... pointing at me accusingly...:

"Thief... thief...!"

He startled and scared me so badly... that all I could do was just stand there... rooted to the spot... my face beet-red... tongue-tied... unable to utter a single word... to defend myself... which... no doubt... must have made me look very guilty...

Soon a crowd had gathered... and becoming petrified... at the accusing looks... on their jeering... hostile faces... I had suddenly found my legs... and made a dash for the dormitory washroom... to hide from my tormentors...

And that is where Reverend Pott... Prima and Remo... ultimately found me... cowering and shivering... in one of the stalls... And it took them a long... long time... to coax me out of there...

And when I finally emerged... still quaking... Remo began to angrily scold... and reprimand me... for taking something... that did not belong to me...

But dear "Papa Bear"... had folded me... into the comforting black folds of his black cassock... tipped my chin up... gazed for a long... long time into my eyes... and satisfied with what he saw there... softly said... that he knew that his dear "Goldilocks"... could never steal anything... that didn't belong to her...!

And it was only then... that I found my voice and... hiccuping with nerves... producing the watch... from my pocket... explained away my innocent action...

Then there had been the thrilling occasion... when our International school choir... was going to sing Handel's "Hallelujah" Chorus... on radio... for Christmas - I was about eight and a half... at the time - and I remember being so keyed up... that I had been in an absolute dither for weeks... about the exciting... forthcoming event...

Every rehearsal... our voices exuberantly raised in unison... as we sang the great composer's inspiring music... made our Australian sports coach... and music teacher... and conductor... Mr. Turtle... beam with pleasure... and it made my heart soar... to be a part of it all...

Contemplating the idea... that our grand choir... in which... OH JOY... my own soprano voice... was to be featured in solo passages... no less - transmitting its glorious vocal sounds... over the airwaves... reaching into the homes... of thousands of people... made my chest swell with enormous pride... and it was almost too awesome... for me to take in stride...

And I could hardly contain my impatience... waiting with baited breath... over many a sleepless night... for the great day of the momentous occasion to dawn...

But then... as bad luck would have it... I had stupidly talked in class... and got caught... And as punishment... "Papa Bear" was forced to tell me... that I would be forbidden to go with the others... saying... with tears in his eyes that... since it had already been announced... that all infractions of House Rules... would result in disbarment... from singing on radio... in all fairness... to the other students... he could not just make a special exception... in my case...

And he had held me close to his chest... as I sobbed my disappointment... in his arms... wailing as if my heart was breaking...

And yet... despite my overwhelming grief... I knew that his decision... was fair and just... and to punish me in this way... knowing how much I loved to sing... hurt him... as much as it was hurting me...

That dear... gentle... always so calm... quiet-spoken man... so handsome... so tall... and so noble of bearing... and spirit... taught me so much... in the four short years... he was in my life... forming and shaping my character... and personality... in a positive way... and I am forever grateful to him... and his very special... nurturing love for me...

When... years later... once more briefly reunited... with my mother... in Germany... at nineteen... I had confided to her... how much Reverend Pott... had meant to me... to my great surprise... she underwent a spurt of jealousy... and tried to maliciously smear his good character... and name... by telling me... that he had seduced Prima... when she was only twelve... subsequently engaging in an affair with her...!

Naturally... I refused to give credence... to her nasty insinuations - nothing could ever make me believe anything foul... or abnormal... about this wonderful... saintly man...

Why... in all the times... I had sat on his lap... from the age of six to eight... he had never once behaved... in any way... other than as a father... concerned for the sensitive feelings... of his child... Nor had he ever touched... or fondled me... on any intimate part... of my body... in a salacious... or prurient manner... not ever...

And when I subsequently asked my sister... about it... she had laughed... saying she could never imagine... going to bed with a frocked man of God...! Besides... she had always felt a deep respect for him... and his wisdom... in running the ISY... also regarding him as a saintly man... just like I did...

Chapter 27
The Fascinating Story... Of How The International School Of Yokohama... Came Into Existence... After The Great Kanto Earthquake And Fire Of September 1st... 1923...!

There is a fascinating story... behind the founding... of The International School of Yokohama... and how Yokohama... became a cosmopolitan port city...

Reverend Reginald Percival Pott... being a Minister... of the Anglican Christ Church of England... a church headed by their sovereignty... had come to Japan... as a young man... after World War I... not only to minister to the already fairly large Caucasian population... of some 2,000 people... at the already established Church... in Yokohama...

But also to spread Christianity... to the more than 500,000 Japanese.. and other Asian peoples... living around the port city... strongly feeling... that God's Mission for him... was to convert them... from their heathen ways of pagan... idol worshipping... to the true worship... of The One Almighty God - eternally Omnipotent... Omniscient... and Omnipresent...

After years of traveling the width and breadth... of the Orient... patiently teaching the doctrine of Christianity... to its peoples... it came to his attention... that there was a great... renewed influx of people... coming to Japan... from many different countries... all over the world... the families mostly settling... in and around the port city of Yokohama...

This was during the twenties... after "The Great Kanto Earthquake And Fire"... the overwhelming catastrophe... occurring on Saturday... September 1st... 1923...

When exactly at 12:00 noon... gigantic earth tremors had struck... lasting a good four minutes... killing thousands upon thousands of people... some Caucasians... but mostly Japanese... and other Asians... followed by many aftershocks... killing more people... and destroying many more buildings... easily toppling them like match sticks..!

Then... as if the earth tremors... were not enough... not twenty minutes later... devastating fire had broken out... destroying everything in its path... in downtown Yokohama... and even swiftly spreading up the hills... to the beautiful Bluff... soon leaving the whole cliff scarred... and charred black with desolation...!

The beautiful houses... were either toppled... squashed like pancakes... or slid in pieces... down the hillsides... leaving wide swathes of bleak... barren areas... where green hills... flourishing in dense greenery... once lushly rolled... carpeting the countryside...

Now all that was left... of the thousands of magnificent trees... were nothing but pitiful... blackened silhouettes... their beautiful branches... swept bare of foliage...

And looking down from the Bluff... one could see the awful havoc... that the gigantic earthquake... and fire... had wrought... for as far as the eye could see... the entire port city of Yokohama... was either engulfed... in a blaze of fire... or in smoking ruins...!

Theodore Rau was living in Kobe... at the time... but happened to be in Yokohama on business... that disastrous... ill-fated day... And by a Miracle... apart from some minor cuts and bruises... from falling debris... he was unharmed...

Naturally... he had assisted... in helping the more seriously injured people... calming the shaken European survivors... who were not used to earthquakes... as he was...

And... always being in the habit of taking his camera with him... everywhere he went... he had taken thousands of snapshots... filling up album after album... of the awful wasteland of Yokohama... that once was...!

His devastating pictures... were incongruously pasted... in between snapshots of himself... dressed in nothing but a "fundoshi" (loin-cloth)... standing smiling... into the camera... with his arms around the shoulders of his Japanese "tomodachis" (friends)... equally clad... only in their "fundoshis"...!

Reverend Reginald Percival Pott... had gazed up... at the solitary arch... the only part of his Church... built twenty years earlier... on the Bluff... that had remained intact... and not destroyed... by the catastrophe...

Then looking all around at the rubble of massive chunks of brick and steel... towering breast high... realizing that the structure... would have to be rebuilt again... the idea came to him... to erect a special school... in addition to the Church... for all the multi-lingual children... of the rapidly growing cosmopolitan port city... to attend...

And more and more enthused by his idea... he passed on his innovative recommendations... to his superiors... the Anglican Church Council... in England... with the clever suggestion... that they simply name their enterprise... "The International School of Yokohama"...!

And he was delighted to receive... almost immediately... their most enthusiastic approval... for the projects... with their heartfelt blessings... reasoning that the tuition fees... for the school... would duly pay... for the rebuilding of the Church...

The Japanese "Daiku-sans" ... and "kensetsu no hatarakites"... being accomplished construction workers... and agile carpenters... in short shrift... had first rebuilt the Church... on the top of the Bluff... almost as if in defiance to the elements... of lashing typhoon winds... and awesome earthquakes...!

For it was being erected... on the exact spot... where the earlier structure had been... a beautiful edifice of rough-hewn stone... its interior and exterior... exact in every detail... to Reverend Pott's detailed specifications...

The unique school building... has already been described above... under Chapter 12...

So... with the blessings... of the sovereignty... and with Reverend Pott having had the Christ Church of England rebuilt... on the spectacular Bluff... with its breathtaking... panoramic view of the Pacific Ocean... stretching for miles out to sea... as well as a specifically International school... close by... he made good on his word... and duly instituted a vigorous... all out campaign... to get parents of all nationalities... to agree to have their children... educated there... under his excellent tutelage...

Chapter 28
How The Far East... Met The West... And Vice Versa...!

For over two hundred years... Japan had stubbornly kept her doors closed... to the outside world... until the day came... in 1853... when an American Commodore... Matthew Perry... in command of American warships... entered Yedo (present-day Tokyo)... managing... during negotiations... to secure the ruling Shogunate's agreement... to open up two ports... thereby giving access to American ships... and also to sanction residency to Consuls... on its insulated shores...

These ports were Shimoda... on the Izu Peninsula... and Hakodate... in the northernmost Japanese territory... on the island of Yezo (present-day Hokkaido)... respectively...

Then in 1855... Townsend Harris arrived... being the first American Consul... to ever set foot in Japan... and defying convention... immediately established his Consulate... and in the Japanese temple of Hangakuji... no less..!

Then... renewing negotiations with the Shogunate... he obtained another treaty... in 1858... opening three more ports...:

Kanagawa... in Tokyo Bay... Hyogo (present-day Kobe)... and Nagasaki... on the southernmost island of Kyushu...

(The role of Townsend Harris... was excellently portrayed by John Wayne... in a movie... called "The Barbarian And The Geisha"... (#1522 of the Little Cilandak Video Library) ... one hundred years later... telling all about the significant part he played... in cementing amicable relations... between America and Japan...)

Other nations... following suit... quickly obtained similar treaties... and in 1859-60... foreign merchants made haste... to establish themselves... in this ripe territory...

One story goes that... concentrating on Yedo... the Shogunate's capital... located at the edge of the Bay... offering the best prospects... the merchants rubbed their hands... with greedy anticipation... until they realized... with dismay... that its waters... were too shallow for large vessels...!

Consequently... they had to opt for Kanagawa... a well populated village... about sixteen miles... down the Bay... on the western shore... instead... designating it as their treaty port...

Although boasting excellent inns... suitable as important bases... for operations on the Tokaido - an already much traversed highway... linking Tokyo to Kyoto commercially... Kanagawa was disappointing... as a starting-off point for development... being locked in between coastal hills... and an enormous marsh... extending two miles down the Bay... to the next headland... merging into paddy-fields...

But then it was observed... that there was a long beach... backed by firm ground... that extended in depth... towards the headland... which the villagers had named "Yoko-hama"... meaning "Cross-beach"... because the strand had been converted... to a separate island... by a creek running alongside the headland... connecting the Bay... with the inland lagoons...

Becoming very excited over the potential... that this little strip of land... and the deep waters off shore... had to offer... being far more advantageous... as a trading port... than Kanagawa... the pioneer merchants... diverted all their attention and energies... to transforming the little fishing village... into a proper port... clearing the ground... defining the waterfront... reclaiming some of the marshy terrain... and widening the canals...

They decided to convert the lower side of the islet... an area about half a mile square... exclusively for the occupation... of the foreign trade settlers... while the upper half... would be utilized... for similar development... by the Nipponese...

Although there was no actual barrier... separating the two sections... the broad avenue... called Nippon-dori... running from the site of Commodore Perry's Treaty House... and ending in a patch of swamp... naturally became the invisible demarcation line... between the settlements of the foreign traders... and the Japanese...

With amazing alacrity... spurred on by their visions... of untold wealth... surveys were conducted... measurements taken... plans drawn... and streets laid out...

Choice lots were selected and allocated... and construction work begun... with the plots... running along the wide water-front boulevard... called "The Bund"... (still in existence today)... going to the wealthiest... and most prestigious... of the Far Eastern companies...

They built eye-pleasing... residential-looking offices... complete with wide verandas... and living quarters upstairs... for the managers and their families... the whole surrounded by picturesque gardens... making sure that their ugly looking godowns... like warehouses... were located on Water Street... the thoroughfare situated directly behind their premises...

Meanwhile... the treaty-conscious Consuls... American... and now British... as well... stubbornly remained in Kanagawa... for a while... But prudence soon dictated... that they relocate to rapidly developing Yoko-hama... where both first established residential Consulates... at the end of Water Street... on the creek side...

Later on... they moved to more suitable locations on Nippon-dori... opposite the impressive Japanese government buildings... where they were soon joined... first by the Russian... and then by several other country's Consulates...

Thus Nippon-dori... was ultimately transformed... into an imposing International street... giving it a distinctively official... and diplomatic appearance... and ambience...

The Yedo Shogunate... were very relieved... to see the "gaikokujin" (foreigners)... vacate their original treaty port of Kanagawa... especially since they feared an escalation... of the hostile skirmishes... that had occasionally occurred between them... and the Samurai... along the Tokaido Road...

This might very well have led to reprisals... from Commodore Perry's armada of Black Ships... lying-to off the coast... Therefore... keeping a wary eye on them... they had been more than willing... to co-operate... in building up the little fishing village of Yoko-hama...

And the other story is that the proud... fierce Samurai... being a suspicious lot... distrusted the strange-looking... white-skinned "gaikokujins"... and in order to avoid dangerous conflict of interests... since they were already well established in commerce... busily trafficked back and forth... on the ancient highway... Tokaido... running between the Shogunate capital Yedo (present day Tokyo)... and the imperial capital of Kyoto...

Fearing trouble... the Shogunate decided to move the port for foreign trade... to the sleepy little fishing village of Yoko-hama... nearby... Besides... they reasoned... the area would be ideal... for the foreigners' large merchant ships... for the waters around there... were very deep...

Whichever of the stories... may be true... the fact remains... that Yokohama flourished... soon becoming a major International sea port... for foreign trade... attracting more and more foreigners... and more and more Japanese... as time went by... filling the coffers of the merchant traders... to bulging and overflowing proportions... making them fat and happy with prosperity...!

The affluent merchant traders... built prestigious hotels... starting with "The Grand" and "The Bund"... (rebuilt after "The Great Kanto Earthquake" ... and still in operation today)... and The British... and the Americans... built their Settlement Camps... and Naval Hospitals...

Then... one by one... the International financial institutions... started to establish themselves... in this rapidly important becoming harbor trading port... situated on Tokyo Bay... beginning with the Specie Bank... Japan's only Foreign Exchange Bank... still in operation today... followed by the Hong Kong Bank... the Chartered Bank of India... the International Bank... the Deutsche-Asiatische Bank... the Russo-Asiatic Bank... and others... And even the American Express Company... opened up a Japanese branch... in Yokohama..!

Then... as time went by... the British settlers... set on creating a familiar English atmosphere... of social life... in this strange exotic land... thousands of miles away from home... built the famous Yokohama Country & Athletic Club... (the YCAC)... on spacious grounds... (the very same grounds... where my mother won her many tennis trophies... some seventy years later... and I competed in relay races... ten years after that...!)

Complete with cricket... and soccer fields... the YCAC offered a familiar atmosphere... where members could indulge... in their favorite pastimes... during weekends... playing their card games... drinking their imported gin and beer... in the grandiose Clubhouse... and dancing all night until dawn...

Apparently... the YCAC still thrives today... its vast grounds of green lawns... tennis courts... and cricket pitch of turf... still intact... its membership... still as International... as it was... when I lived in Yokohama... about seventy-one years ago... and ran in relay races there...!

The inhabitants of Yokohama... being such an interesting mixture of Cosmopolitan Internationals... it stood to reason... that some of them would display some outstanding talents... in the fields of art... so that it wasn't long... before they were staging concerts... amateur theatricals... and other forms of entertainment...

The ships' anchorage... being open to the elements... was frequently swept by storms... that forced operations to stop... and in 1891... it was therefore decided... to build a protective breakwater... starting at the lower end of the Bund... and curving around to Kanagawa... thus forming a large... safe harbor... with an entrance... half-way around...

Some years later... a steel pier was built... to accommodate passenger liners... long enough for two ships to berth... on either side of it... which was a Godsend for travelers... who previously had been compelled... to complete the last leg of their voyages... by riding to port... in sampans... or launches... from their ships... anchored miles off shore...!

Yokohama... alas... in its proximity to Tokyo... was bypassed... in political importance... but it soon earned a reputation... as a perfect destination for British... American... Japanese... and French passenger liners... bringing tourists from abroad regularly... by the thousands...

And then there were the sailors... from the foreign ships... who brought good fortune... to the many bars and cabarets... that thrived near the various piers...

But the carousing... rough seamen... who frequented the low-down dives... taverns... pool rooms and grog-shops... springing up between fruit and fish stalls... in the Chinatown District... and all run by shady characters... also brought disorder... with their savage brawling... the neighborhood soon becoming notorious... earning for itself the nickname of "Blood Town..."!

The "gaikokujin" (foreigners)... were not permitted to own land outright... in the Settlement... and on the Bluff... but the Japanese government... who retained ownership... allowed them to hold a perpetual lease... promising to keep good maintenance... of the roads... give them police and fire protection... postal and telegraph services... and be responsible... for all their utilities...

In addition... they insisted on their right... to control all harbor activities... and were adamant... in exercising these responsibilities... magnanimously conceding... that in all other matters... the "gaikokujin" would be left alone... to conduct their own affairs...

Until 1899... all foreigners enjoyed Extra-territoriality... shortened to "Extrality"... and were under the sole jurisdiction... of their Consular Courts... Travel was not permitted... farther than twenty-five miles inland... without a special Pass...!

However... this restriction did not faze the foreigners too much... for there were many scenic spots... on the seashore... and up in the surrounding hills... easily accessible... for weekend outings...

Hiking... horseback riding... and bicycle trips... became some of the more favored pastimes... and those fortunate to own yachts... enjoyed sailing around the uniquely spectacular... breathtaking headlands... and Tokyo Bay... where the unpolluted water... always shimmered blue-green... in the sun...

Thus Yokohama thrived... for many years... as the port... through which the mainstream of foreign trade flowed... virtually all the silk... Japan's main export... at the time... shipped out of her harbor... as well as other products... such as other textiles... tea... and other specifically Japanese commodities... becoming Japan's gateway to Western civilization...

And piquing the curiosity... of the natives of Tokyo... they would come in droves... to investigate for themselves... how these successful "gaikokujin"... lived and worked... Those white-skinned strangers who... in demonstrating their uniquely Western customs... and standards of living... in time... greatly influenced their own life styles and mannerisms... especially in those hustling... bustling areas... where commerce was conducted...

It was through Yokohama... that impressive technological advances... arrived in Japan... from abroad... such as telegraphy... photographic equipment... railways... and gaslight...

In fact... the very first railway... to be constructed in Japan... in 1872... linking Tokyo with Yokohama... was largely planned by Edmund Morell... a British railway engineer... who was not destined to see its completion... dying a year earlier... in 1871...!

This innovative man... who came to Nippon... to aid the backward country... in the long... long process... of its modernization... is one of the many foreigners... buried in the International Cemetery... way up high on the Bluff... his soul... perhaps still not at rest... because he failed to see his achievements... actually come to fruition...!

Everything flourished beautifully... for years and years... until "The Great Kanto Earthquake and Fire of September 1st 1923"... which had struck the Tokyo-Yokohama area... so devastatingly...

And although Tokyo... did not suffer as badly... from the earthquake... but was mostly destroyed... by the raging fire... Yokohama... on the other hand... was totally demolished... by both catastrophes...!

Even the sturdily built... brick and stone buildings... of the Consulates and Banks... in the Business District... and the uniquely styled mansions... on the Bluff... each one individually boasting either typically British... French... Dutch or other nationalistic architecture... did not escape the havoc...

Claiming over twenty thousand human lives... the gigantic... heaving tremors... had first razed to the ground... thousands upon thousands of the traditionally-built... Japanese... flimsy wood and paper structures...!

Then the raging outbreak of fire... had burned everything... to an indistinguishable mass of smoking cinders...

In the devastating aftermath... the undaunted Japanese... quickly rebuilt their houses... some of them even re-erecting them... on the very day... following the earthquake... while the after-shocks... were still going on..!

But it took about six years... for the port city... to wholly restore itself... the hotels going up... once again... The banks... in turn... rebuilt their imposing edifices... and the Internationals... re-erected their magnificent homes... on the Bluff...

The long endless road... of famous Motomachi... like the Phoenix... soon rose from its ashes... resurrecting its quaint... bustling little open-fronted shops... and gay cafés... restoring the famous "Hyaku no Kaidan" (Hundred Steps)... leading down from Sengenyama... on the Bluff... Only this time... they carved the steps... very much wider... into the cliff... each step much shallower... and covering them with pebbly cement...

Thus... Yokohama... once again... became the International gateway... to the Western World... enticing many foreign nationals... to resettle there... with the prospect of lucrative business opportunities... primarily in the importing of to Japan... unobtainable merchandise... (such as baby high-chairs... which I could have gratefully used... when I was a tot...)

And... in turn... there was the exporting of Oriental exotic commodities... that were... as yet... still unavailable in the Occident... such as cultured pearls... raw silk... and toys made of celluloid...

Once more... there were people... from all over the world... living in Yokohama... once again... mostly taking up residence... in the beautiful homes... and mansions... on the magnificent Bluff... above Yokohama harbor... now a wide paved road... that wound and stretched... for miles and miles... along which I had so happily cycled along... singing Praises to my Beloved Heavenly Father... at the top of my lungs...

Chapter 29
How Very Wise Reverend Pott... Shows His Complete Trust... In His Permanent Boarder Students...!

On Saturday afternoons... Reverend Pott exhibited his trust... in his boarder pupils... to such an extent... that he permitted them to go to downtown Yokohama... to movie matinées together... without any adult supervision...!

Or they could stroll through the beautiful Japanese-style Gardens of "Sankeien"... situated above Honmoku Point... on Negishi Bay... a spectacular area... covering 170,000 square meters... with a profusion of flowers... of every color... from the palest pink... to the deepest crimson... and from the lightest lilac... to the darkest purple... blooming during the spring... after the Nubai rainy season... and throughout the hot summer... where the heat would be cooled... by the pleasant ocean breezes...

And when autumn came around... the Gardens would boast a spectacular carpet... of scarlet leaves... which in winter... would be transformed... into a beautiful snowscape...

So that all year round... there was always something to feast one's eyes... and senses upon... in these beautiful Gardens... complete with several ancient buildings... transported from nearby Kamakura... and from the Kansai area... in western Honshu... strategically placed among the rolling hills... valleys and ponds... of the Gardens...

They were originally built... by a millionaire silk merchant... one Tomitaro Hara (Sankei)... and were opened to the public... since 1906... So that the singularly Japanese-style Sankeien Gardens... were an uncommon treasure of traditional Japan... that were very much appreciated... by all of the foreigners...

Since Yokohama was modern-made... largely by foreigners... and had no traditionally Japanese history... extending into the ancient past... it did not boast the usual indigenous Buddhist temples... and Shinto shrines... each with their distinctive architectural splendor... surrounded as they were... by spectacular gardens... that bloomed all year round... and which were so prevalent... in other older cities... such as Kyoto... Nara... Nikko... or even Tokyo...

Although the city did have its share of shrines... and ancient Buddhist temples... to accommodate the Shintos and Buddhists... the Shintos still worshipping nature... and their heroes... and the Buddhists still worshipping Buddha...

Sometimes... as I happily cycled along the Bluff... the breeze would carry the sound of the great bell... just like a gong... and the slow... rhythmic beat... of the deep drums... coming all the way up to me... from the ancient temple... Myokoji... situated above the large village of "Kitagata"... behind the Bluff... would stir a strange feeling of familiarity... in my heart...

And I would recall... the times... when I had jumped out of my bedroom window... at night... drawn by the haunting sound... of the temple call... thinking nothing... of running down to the temple... nearby... barefoot... and clad only in one of my many... expensive red silk... Chinese pajamas... a present from my adored Papa... whenever he returned from his long business trip... abroad...!

And once I reached the temple... I would quite naturally join in with the temple dancers... instinctively knowing all the graceful... intricate dance steps...!

And my white-skinned... golden haired... blue eyed... already tall for my age... three to four year old self... would be naturally accepted... by all the priests... and temple dancers... as if I belonged among them...!

Reverend Pott even trusted his charges... to observe proper decorum... amongst themselves... by allowing them to go to the "thé-dansants" (tea-dances)... specifically held... on Saturday afternoons... at the YCAC... for the older set... boys and girls together... either in pairs... or in separate groups... most pleased... and gratified... that there was never a breath of scandal... about the behavior abroad... of any of his students... at the ISY...

Reverend Reginald Percival Pott... was the first saintly man in my life... and I owe much to him... for his understanding sensitivity... his loving compassion... and his wisdom...

"Thank you... dear "Papa Bear"... wherever you are - hopefully now reaping your rich reward in Heaven - for molding my character... and personality... early in my life... in the best possible way...

And thank you... for helping... to forge a strong spirit... within me... so that I would be able to face the world... live in it... without too much consternation... and overcome any hardships... and obstacles... which I would be confronted with... without falling apart...

All in order to ultimately grow... and develop... in every way... into the noble lady... that would please you... dear "Papa Bear..." ... besides my Beloved Heavenly Father... Allah Almighty God..."

Chapter 30
A Wonderful... But Shameful Afternoon... Spent At Dear Miss MacLean's Charming Hillside House... For Tea...!

Our retired Math teacher... Miss MacLean... was a Canadian by birth... and already an old spinster lady... tall... bony and grey-haired... with a long angular face...

She had spent many years in Japan... teaching... and lived in a lovely house... situated on the side of a mountain... in a little village outside Yokohama...

I remember how delighted... she had been... to see her old students... when we visited her... one Saturday afternoon... for tea... I was about eight and a half at the time...

It was especially wonderful for me... because the thin... white cotton gloves... I was always forced to wear... day and night... by Papa Bear... because of my disgusting habit... of biting my nails... (even in my sleep!)... were removed... for this very special occasion...!

And when Miss MacLean... who knew all about my life-long bad habit... inspected my hands... and saw how beautifully... my nails were growing... at the ends of my tapering... long fingers... she was so pleased and proud of me... that my chest swelled happily...

But alas... the nasty habit... was so deeply ingrained in me... (it had started when I was two and a half... when I imitated another little baby girl... while customarily being taken through the park... in my pram... by Prima)... so that... by the end of our visit that afternoon... my nails were bitten down to the bloody quick... again...!

When I saw the tears... in Miss MacLean's eyes... as she looked at my now ugly... bleeding... ragged edges... where only just a few hours ago... there had been ten... lovely... tapering oval nails... at the ends of what she had always reminded me... were such beautiful hands... to compliment my exceptionally long... graceful fingers... I was so ashamed... that I wanted the ground to swallow me up - I could hardly bear the look of pain... in her eyes...

I fully expected her to spank me... like the time she had... when I had gone outside in the rain... in my slippers... having just recovered from chicken pox... while quarantined... in her house... when I was about six and a half...

But to my surprise... she put her bony arms around me... and softly said... patting me on the back comfortingly...:

"You poor... poor child...!"

That memorable afternoon... happily playing... in her beautifully tended... sloping garden... full of flowering bushes... and colorful flowers... and sipping tea... out of her delicate fine china cup... and eating the delicious strawberry cake... she had baked herself... was the last time... I ever saw dear Miss MacLean...!

She subsequently died... when she was in her eighties... while imprisoned by the Japanese...!

The very people... she had loved so dearly... and taught so much to... expending her efforts... so generously... and so tirelessly...

Her crime...? Believe it or not...: "Treason...!!!"

How preposterous... the Japanese were quite mad... to accuse this harmless old schoolteacher... of spying on them...! She had no family... and had lived in Japan... for over thirty years... or more... and had never been anything else... but a dedicated schoolteacher...!

I hope and pray fervently that... wherever she is now... her soul is at Everlasting Peace... For if anybody ever deserved Eternal Rest... with a capital "E" ... and a capital "R"... she most certainly did... for she was always more than willing... to give of herself freely... to others... in knowledge... and in wisdom... and most unstintingly...

Chapter 31
Some Sweet... And Some Poignant Memories... Of My Darling... Italian Boyfriend... Guido Gandossi... From The Age Of Six...!

Sitting in my seat... as we trundled along towards Nagasaki... on that prophetic day... of November 9th... 1941... I suddenly found myself wondering... what would become of my sweet... shy... darling boyfriend... Guido... my heart suddenly aching for him... and strangely feeling... as if I was being torn in two...!

I had hardly had a chance... to say Goodbye to him... barely catching a glimpse of him... from my bike... as he sauntered along... on the other side of the street... when I had gone to see Miss Shapiro... for my very last piano lesson... a few weeks ago...

We had become somewhat estranged... when the ISY had closed down... with him going to St. Joseph's College for Boys... and my going to St. Maur's Convent for Girls...

But when I came out of Miss Shapiro's house... after my last piano lesson... I was delighted... realizing that he had seen me... as well... because he was now waiting for me...

I told him... my heart suddenly heavy... that we were going to be leaving Japan... soon... sailing on a ship... headed for the United States of America... And he... in turn... told me that his family... would also be leaving Japan... soon... going to Canada...!

So we said our last farewells... to each other... both of us suddenly overcome with shyness... so that there were no fond hugs between us...

Sitting on the train... I recalled the pity... that Guido's parents had taken on us... the Rau children... having no place to go on weekends... forced to staying cooped up... at the ISY boarding school... and how kind they had been... inviting us into their hospitable... lovely home... situated right on Honmoku Beach... facing the Pacific Ocean... gladly opening up their warm Italian hearts to us... over many weekends...

The Gandossis had three sons...: Marco... Guido... and Bruno... The eldest... Marco... immediately became Prima's new boyfriend... the two of them becoming inseparable... for a while...

Marco was to become a famous sports figure... in Canada... one day... the country to which they immigrated to... shortly after we left Japan...!

In fact... it so happened that... at the very time... that I tried to locate the family's whereabouts... through the Canadian Embassy... from Johannesburg... South Africa... some twelve years later... Marco was getting a lot of publicity... in the newspapers... because he had just gotten married...!

So it was very easy for me... to be reunited with his parents... albeit by correspondence only...once more... in Japan... to which they had returned... with them now managing the ISY...!

Although it was Guido... contacted by the newspaper... via the Canadian Embassy... who informed his parents... about my trying to get in touch with the family... once again... he himself... never wrote to me...!

This very precious Golden Thread... of my Spiritual Path... Begun in Japan... led me to Mrs. Gandossi's sister... who happened to be living in Johannesburg... as well...!

And through whose ethereal... psychic daughter... Hazel... I would be introduced... to the fascinating world... of Spiritual Healing... right after my fiance Julian's shocking suicide... on the very eve of our wedding... with the intention... to immigrate to Canada together...!

My sweetheart... Guido... was a year older than me... and we had been inseparable... almost from the moment we met... when I was six... He was a bit taller than I was... and painfully shy... because of his ears... which stuck out alarmingly... but otherwise... he was very handsome... and had an old-world courtliness about him... always well-spoken... and polite... and I simply adored him... losing my heart to him... instantly...

One evening... as we strolled alone... along the beach together... after dinner... during a weekend at his house - I was about nine and a half then - he had surprised me... by suddenly stopping... and turning to me... had picked up my right hand... and gazing down... deep into my soul... with his warm... brown... limpid eyes... had kissed it long and lingeringly... thrilling me... from the top of my head... to the tips of my toes...

And when I went to bed that night... floating on Cloud Nine... and in Seventh Heaven... I could still feel the imprint of his kiss... on my hand... and even when I awoke next morning...!

In fact... I was so ecstatically happy... that for the next magical nine days... the number of the Cloud... I was floating on... I was very careful... not to immerse my right hand in water... afraid that if I did... I would wash away... the palpable imprint... of my darling Guido's kiss...!

Bruno... the youngest of the Gandossi clan... was born with a head of tightly curled hair... that framed his face like a cherub's... and had the face of an angel... that made all the girls want to baby and mother him... dying to run their fingers... through his natural curls...

And although I could see by his manners... that Bruno was a boy... through and through... no matter how tough he acted... his girlish looks... a never-ending source of embarrassment to him... and more of a curse... than a blessing... alas... were always a drawback to his being treated like an ordinary boy...

Being instinctively sensitive... to Bruno's feelings... I made it a point... never to baby or mother him... although it was hard for me not to... because he was so adorable and cuddly... but treated him like a cherished younger brother... for which he was very grateful... surprising me one day... by looking up at me... with his soft brown eyes and thick... long lashes... that girls would kill for... and kissing my cheek gently... as if to say...: "Thanks for not making a big fuss over me..."

Although I was very fond of him... I often wished... that he would not always insist... on being in our company... becoming a perpetual nuisance... whenever Guido and I wanted to be alone together...

Chapter 32
My Very First... Verbal Declaration Of Love... At The Age Of About Nine And A Half... To A Member... Of The Opposite Sex... Being My Adored Boyfriend... Guido...!

As we sped further and further away from Yokohama... my heart began to ache... more and more painfully... for my true love... Guido... and I was reminded of the time... when I was forced... by the drawing of a "Dare Card"... on which it said... that I was to declare my love to my sweetheart... to obey the command...! It was a few weeks after his memorable kiss on my hand...

A bunch of us girls... had formed an International Secret Club... and in order to test each other's courage... we took turns... in making up "Dare Cards" for each other... swearing a blood oath... that any and all directives... written on them... would be carried out... as soon as possible... on peril of disgrace... and instant banishment... from the Club...

I had been devastated... to draw such an embarrassing Dare Card... but sworn to obey... knew that I had to do it... But every time the enormity of the act hit me... I turned yellow-livered with cowardice... unable to approach my beloved Guido...

But my girl friends... never let me forget... what I had sworn to do... and from that fateful day on... never missed an opportunity... to poke and nudge me... every time we happened to come across Guido... hissing at me to... "Go on... tell him... tell him...!"... until I became thoroughly exasperated with them...

At my wit's end... I wracked my brains... for a way to tell my sweet... shy Guido... that I loved him... without causing either of us... too much painful embarrassment... and carefully devised a plan... that I thought might work...

A few days later... I happened to see him coming around the corner of the school building... pushing his bike... And taking a deep breath... I went up to him... and urged him to come with me... because I had something extremely important to tell him...

Startled at my aggressiveness... and looking very puzzled... he asked shyly... what it was... that I wanted to tell him...

And when he gazed slightly down at me... with those trusting... liquid brown eyes of his... my heart melted... and my aggression evaporated instantly...

All I wanted... was for the ground to swallow me up... and I almost gave up the whole idea... then and there... But some sense of honor... made me steel myself... to go through with the ordeal - besides... the girls would never stop pestering me... until I did...

Becoming very timid myself... I decided to be very open and honest with him... and told him that I was much too shy... to tell him my secret... face to face... and that if he was my friend... he would help make it easier for me... by climbing up to the top of the jungle gym...!

And to my utter surprise... he shrugged good naturedly... smiled his lovely smile... propped his bike against the huge... and only tree... in the corner of the school grounds... near the entrance to the school... walked across to the jungle gym... on the opposite side... and began to climb up the high bars... until he had reached the very top... straddling the ledge...

Then... cocking his head... looking down at me... he patiently waited to hear what I had to say...

Before my courage could fail me... and wanting to get the trying ordeal over with... as quickly as possible... I threw my head back... my pigtails jouncing... and craning my neck upwards... projected up to him... at the top of my considerable lungs... in my soprano voice... sounding like an opera diva... singing an aria...:

"I love you...!"

And as I heard my own voice... singing out... those three precious little words... to a member of the opposite sex... for the very first time in my life... the startling sound of them... seeming to bounce back off the school walls... in ringing echoes... I became so embarrassed... that all I wanted to do... was run away... as far and as fast... as I possibly could...

And I bolted... leaving poor Guido... bewildered and red-faced... sitting all alone... way up high... on top of the jungle gym...!

Unbeknownst to me at the time... Reverend Pott... whilst grading some exam papers... had heard my odd... singing declaration of love... and curious... had watched the whole touching scene... from his office window... very much amused... at the gumption... of his dear little Goldilocks... I found out later on...

Chapter 33
Poor "Shu-shu" Obsessed Pamela... Attacking Me Sexually... When I Was Only Three...!

Thinking of Guido... reminded me of my old friend... Pamela... from babyhood... and I wondered... what would become of her... also... in the years to come...

She was about a year older than I was... and what had made her stand out so peculiarly to me... was the fact that she was obsessed... with the nether part of one's anatomy... male and female... ever since she was very little...!

I had slept in her bedroom... at her lovely mansion... countless times... ever since I was three years old... while our mothers... who were best friends... went to Christian Science lectures... together...

And during those terrifying nights... pudgy little... four year old Pamela... would sneak up on me... while I lay sleeping... blissfully unaware... in my cot... and try stealthily... to pull my pajama strings open... so that she could thrust her hand roughly... between my legs... and stick her pudgy fingers... into my "shu-shu"...!

Some instinct... had woken me up... the first time Pamela attacked me... and as I suddenly felt cold air... on my legs... fuzzily wondering... how my pajama bottoms... had come undone... I saw her looming over me... with her huge... yellowish cat's eyes... glittering with single-minded purpose... as she rudely tried to stick her finger... inside my "shu-shu"...!

I had recoiled... greatly outraged... at her most intimate... rude assault... upon my body... and had screamed blue murder... at the top of my already considerable lungs... waking up the whole household...

Thereafter... Pamela's mother... had hired a very forbidding... witchy-looking... elderly Japanese Amah woman... to sit guard all night... who... with the light from the landing... shining on her from behind... loomed hugely... making her look very sinister... indeed... as she sat in her chair... in the open doorway... with an excellent view of Pamela's little bed... and my cot...

And when the "dark urge" ... would come upon poor Pamela... as she lay wide-eyed... in her bed... alert... watching her guard... like a hawk... at the slightest nodding off... of the woman's head... she'd be out of her bed like a shot... running towards my cot... on her pudgy little legs...with her hand between my legs... before you could say "Jack Robinson..."!

Abruptly awakened... by her rough assault... upon my slumbering body... I would scream in protest... startling the old Amah awake... with a loud grunt...

Immediately wide awake... sizing up the situation... she would rush at Pamela... who was intently... bending over my body... unceremoniously yank her back... to her own bed... shaking her... as she scolded her in her guttural voice...:

"Pamera-chan wa... totemo warui desu...!" (Pamela is very naughty...)

Something deep inside me... told me that Pamela's obsession... with one's "shu-shu..." ... the only word I knew... at the time... from my succession of village Amahs... to describe that secret part of the body... was an awful kind of compulsion... that had surfaced in her... when she was a mere baby...!

And during the seven years... that I knew her... I had tried my very best... to help her overcome this terrible affliction... that was consuming her... taking over her life...!

I had even beaten her up once... when I was about eight... after... still on the pudgy side... she had climbed up the huge tree... on the school grounds one day... cajoling anyone and everyone... male... and female... to stand under it... and look up at her... on the pretext... that she had a secret of vital importance... to tell them...!

And when... one by one... they had innocently come... and looked up at her... enquiringly... as she stood... with her pudgy legs spread wide apart... between two sturdy branches... she would crow...:

"Look at me...!"

And with a swift movement... she would pull her dress up to her waist... showing her stark naked... fat body underneath... sans panties...!

Startled at the unexpected display... of her lewdness... one by one... the girls and boys... from all over the world... had hastily looked away from her... red-faced with embarrassment... and disgust... as they realized... that her intention... had not been to tell them a secret... but to vulgarly shock them...!

Then Pamela made the mistake... of calling my boyfriend Guido and me... to her... just as we came around the corner of the school building together... pushing our bikes... deep in earnest conversation...

And as we innocently looked up at her... to find out what was so important... that she had to tell us right now... before coming down from the tree... and saw... to our disgust... the real reason... she had called us... to her... I saw poor Guido blushing... to the roots of his hair...

And... my sensibilities... suddenly engulfed... in such overwhelming... righteous indignation... I had clambered up the tree after her... and pulling her by her hair... yanked her fat little self... out of the tree... and really laid into her... pummeling her mercilessly... until she was screaming for me to stop...

As quickly as I was enraged... by her wanton behavior... so did pity... for this poor creature... suddenly fill my being... and I felt a terrible remorse inside me...

Holding her close to my breast... with my heart in my mouth... I begged her to please forgive me...

And like a torrent of despair... she sobbed in my arms... wailing... that she could not help herself... that when "It" came... the urges were so strong... and so overpowering... that she could do nothing... but simply give in to the terrible... overwhelming pressure... to act them out...!

I finally gave up on her when... expelled from the ISY... because of her unacceptable... shocking behavior... in the tree... about a year later... during her tenth birthday party... at her lovely mansion... on the Bluff... she proudly showed off... to about ten of us boys and girls... as we played together... in the huge doll house... that her father had just given her... and set up in their lovely garden for her... how cleverly she had trained... her miniature white Maltese poodle... Tudor... her last Christmas present...

Suddenly plonking her fat little self... down on the grass... and shouting out...:

"Watch...!"

... as she let out a piercing whistle... we all saw... to our open-mouthed amazement... and horror... how her cute little dog... came racing across the garden... heading straight for Pamela's wide open legs... again sans panties...!

And as she lay back... panting in ecstasy... we could all see the dog's little head... buried deep in her naked "shu-shu"... hear the slurping noises it made... its little tail wagging away happily...!

This was the absolute last straw... as far as I was concerned... I was so thoroughly fed up with Pamela... that I vowed then and there... never to have anything more to do with her... ever again...

I had already stopped going... to the barely begun ballet lessons with her... about five years earlier... studying with the niece... of the world famous ballerina... Anna Pavlova...

She had expressed her sincere sorrow... to see me leave her class... because she was convinced... that I had the potential... to become a great classical ballerina... one day... not only because of my exceptional height... but because of my lovely grace of movement...

But she also understood... that since her dance studio was in Kobe... and I would be going to school... in Yokohama... it would be impossible for me to attend... any more of her dance classes...

Chapter 34
My Own Rude... And Sudden... Shocking Exposure... To Disgusting... Lewd Pornography... One Unforgettable... Rainy Afternoon... At The Tender Age... Of About Nine... And The Decadent Orgy That Followed... Closely Monitored... By My Guardian Angel Friend...!

I was also disgusted with myself... as well... because of a soul-shaking event... that had taken place... a few weeks earlier... one rainy... early September afternoon... while I was walking my bike home to the ISY... from church... after the usual... weekly Wednesday afternoon... church choir practice...

But first... on a sudden impulse... my mouth watering... for a taste of some of my favorite... delicious... "atsui no abutta kuri" (hot roasted chestnuts)... I had taken the shortcut... of coasting down the famous... bumpy... "Hyaku no Kaidan" (Hundred Steps)... a series of wide steps... hewed into the steep slope of Sengenyama... below the Bluff... on my bike... to Moto-Machi... meaning "Ancient Road of Town"... being THE shopping district of Yokohama...

I remember that I was tingling... and glowing all over... as I pushed my bike back up the "Hyaku no Kaidan"... to the Bluff...

Munching on my delicious "atsui no abutta kuri"... with my favorite hymns and psalms... sung that afternoon... running through my head... floating on an Angelic Cloud... and feeling especially close to God... my Beloved Heavenly Father... I was totally unprepared... for the jolting thing... that happened next...!

All of a sudden... the tip of my shoe hit something... near the top of the steps... as it began to rain... and I remember that... as it happened... my whole body shuddered...!

And at that very moment... I "knew"... with a certainty... that I could not explain... that something momentous... and never before experienced... was about to cross my very young... nine year old path... greatly affecting my outlook on life... from then on... and forever...!

Looking down... I noticed... lying in a little puddle of water... what appeared to be... at first glance... a fat wallet of some kind...

Naturally thinking... that it was full of Yen... I bent down... to pick it up... And as I did so... it fell open... accordion-style...!

And I saw... at first sight... somewhat puzzled... in the blur of raindrops... now heavily splattering onto it... almost making me drop it... that it was not a wallet containing money... but a startling picture collection... of what appeared to be... all kinds of men and women... of all races...!

And... as my heart started to race alarmingly... and my bare pig-tailed head became drenched... I realized that my shocked gaze... was staring at vivid... colored reproductions... of not only men and women... but of children... and animals... as well...!

And most mind-boggling of all... was the fact... that they were all stark naked... and their bodies... seemed to be stuck to each other... in all kinds of positions...!

At the sight of these shocking pictures.... I was immediately plunged back down from my Euphoric Cloud Nine... to stark... earthly reality...!

And what my jarred senses were beholding... through the blur of tears... suddenly welling up in my eyes... gave me unfamiliar feelings... of a strange kind of excitement... my heart pounding guiltily... in my chest... and then a stab... of terrifying fear...!

(Remember... as I wrote earlier... at that age... I had no recollection... whatsoever... of my own babyhood sexual abuse... when... from the ages of about two and a half to four and a half... carelessly left in the care... of my various village Amahs... they would sell my baby body... to low class... rough... muscular Japanese "Daiku-sans" (construction laborers)... in the dirty little back rooms... of the village shops... to be inspected... and fondled by them... my succession of village Amahs... most ingeniously brainwashing me... their "chiisai Sera-chan..." ... into believing... that I was a "Chiisai Nippon no Koi-Megami..." (Little Japanese Love Goddess)... born to give delight... to all "ningen" (men)...!

The memory of that disgusting period... was finally restored to me... at the ripe old age of seventy-two... and is fully described... in "Heavenly Visitations..." ... under the ongoing streamer... "Close Encounters... Of The Spiritual Kind..." ... on this SUBUD Stories... holy website...)

Now blushing hotly... I surreptitiously looked around me... to see whether there were any witnesses about... and relieved to find myself quite alone... curiosity getting the better of me... I examined the "wallet"... a little closer...

To my great astonishment... it dawned on me... that what I was looking at... for the very first time in my life... were extremely graphic... and physically intimate scenes... depicting... one after another... all manner of erotic coupling... sometimes one man... with one woman... and sometimes several men and women together... in a jumbled mass of indistinguishable arms and legs...!

Then there were some disgusting scenes... in vivid color... of stark naked women... copulating with animals as well... such as goats... horses and dogs...!

And some of the men.. were grossly obese... with nothing but turbans on their heads... looking like wealthy... bejweled rajahs from India...! And they were sitting in elaborately carved... throne-like chairs... with little naked girls... sitting on their laps... their bodies either tightly encircled... by the men's arms... from behind... or sitting on their laps... facing them... with their little legs held wide open... by the men's huge hands...!

Some pictures even seemed to be reproductions of romantic tableaus... featuring scantily clad... voluptuous women... languorously reclining on the grass... under large trees... tantalizing outdoor scenes... by world famous artists... such as the great master... Rubens...!

In a disturbing quandary... my heart racing very fast... holding the soaked "wallet" gingerly... by the tips of my fingers... for it was raining quite hard by now... I wondered what on earth I should do...

Should I just drop it... where I had found it... pretending that I had never seen it before...? But then some other innocent child... might come across it... and pick it up... for this was a well-traveled route... taken by young Japanese school children... as a short cut... to their village homes...

Besides... there were some scenes... that puzzled me... and I was curious to get some explanations about them... Much too shy... to go straight to my sister Prima... about such a shocking collection of pictures... I decided to keep the "wallet" ... meanwhile... toying with the idea... of possibly showing it to my friends... at next week's Club Meeting... and see what they thought of all the unusual... titillating scenes pictured...

But as bad luck would have it... as soon as I reached the top of the Bluff... who should I bump into... but chubby Pamela... on her way home... nearby... who... with her sharp... beady yellow eyes... immediately noticed... that I was awkwardly trying to hide something... behind my back... with one hand... while trying to keep my wet bike steady... with the other...

Eaten up with curiosity... looking up at me... she demanded sharply...:

"Show me what you've got there behind your back... Graziella...! And don't lie to me... because I can see by the guilty look on your face... that it must be something you're ashamed to let anybody else see...!"

Unencumbered... it was easy for her to bar my path... and she refused to let me pass... until I had shown her... what I was desperately trying to conceal...

Anxious to get away... knowing that Pamela... should be the last person on earth... to see the erotic pictures... I crossed my fingers... and pleaded with her...:

"Honestly... Pamela... it's nothing... I'm not hiding anything from you... Please let me pass... I'm getting soaking wet..."

Then... suddenly recalling the strange... odd... tingling sensations... that had flooded throughout my body... when my disbelieving eyes had alighted... on the very first picture... I found myself wondering... what explanations... Pamela might have about them... knowing all about her obsession... with "shu-shus"...!

Deciding suddenly to throw caution to the winds... I smiled at her shyly... and said...:

"Actually... Pamela... I just found something... that I had never... ever... expected to find... lying near the top of the Kaidan... leading down to Moto-Machi... not in a million years...!

And I've been in a terrible quandary... whether to show what I found... to anybody else... not just to you... Because you have to see it with your own eyes... to believe what I'm talking about...!"

Then a brilliant thought struck me... a perfect solution to my dilemma...

"I tell you what... Pamela... let's get all the gang together... and I'll show my secret find to everybody... all at once... at our next Club Meeting..."...

...emphasizing the last adamantly...

But Pamela... practically slavering with curiosity... was not about to be put off... not about to wait that long... And exclaiming hotly...

"Oh no you don't...!"

... she eagerly suggested... that we go to her house... which was nearby... right away... and call all the Club Members up... to come over pronto... instead of waiting for our next Club Meeting... scheduled seven days away...

All the time she was expounding... on her brilliant suggestion... talking with great animation... trying to get me to agree with her... I was at war with myself... the better side of me... in a state of perplexity... whether I should really be instrumental... in opening up this tantalizing avenue - obviously playing with possibly dangerous fire... for my school chums... - some of whom were younger than I was...

But the prurient... curious side of me... had a naughty desire... to have my senses titillated... wanted to indulge myself... even if just a little bit... in the mysteries... contained in the "wallet"... that I was holding tightly in my left hand... practically burning my fingers... And the baser side of me won out...

Pamela's eager enthusiasm... was sweeping me away... and I meekly followed behind her... my heart thumping... with guilty anticipation... feeling strangely... like a lamb... being led to slaughter...!

No sooner had we gotten to Pamela's lovely mansion... down the Bluff... when she was already dashing off to the telephone... And just minutes later... it seemed... she came to where I was sitting... on the verandah... nervously chewing my nails... crowing that she had reached most of the Club Members - because of the rain... they had all stayed indoors - and that they were all on their way over...!

I had half hoped... that Pamela's mother would be at home... so that I would not proceed... to roll the ball of evil... any further... but... as bad luck would have it... she was out... and we had the whole house... all to ourselves...

So it appeared... that I had dangled the string of temptation... too far already... to back down now... and any last minute excuse... would sound very lame... making me look very foolish... and cowardly indeed... to say the least...!

It seemed not five minutes had passed... the doorbell ringing non-stop... when each innocent eight... and nine year old... and one seven year old...all from different countries... had traipsed into the house... about eleven of them... in all... and all eager to know... why they had all been summoned so urgently... to assemble that afternoon...

When everybody had shed their raincoats... and deposited their umbrellas... into the receptacle... the girls looking from Pamela... then back to me... with wide questioning eyes... I didn't speak... but motioned towards the staircase... leading the way...

Trudging upstairs in single file... headed for Pamela's bedroom... I was dreading... with every step I took... the sinful excitement... I had generated... and at the same time... feeling the heavy weight of the "wallet"... inside my tunic pocket... and responsibility... of my action... like a huge stone in my chest... not unlike the "lie stone...!"

Pamela quickly closed her bedroom door behind us... and I felt like it was the clanging... of a heavy dungeon door of doom... all avenues of escape... now irrevocably barred to me...!

And I resigned myself to try and help... not to corrupt... too much... the minds... and emotions... of my cohorts... by what shocking thing... I was about to reveal to them...

As I sat quietly... on a chair... with everybody standing around me... looking at me questioningly... trying to find the best possible way... to introduce the subject... of the contents of the intriguing... shocking "wallet"... I was extremely relieved... to suddenly hear... the very familiar Voice of my Guardian Angel Friend... Whisper... as usual... in my right ear...:

And this time... He Commanded...:

"Let Them Satisfy Their Curiosity... But Do Not Allow Them... To Indulge Themselves...!"

Whereupon I asked silently... within myself...:

"Even Poor Pamela...?"

And He Quietly Answered...:

"Yes... Even Poor Pamela...!"

Thus somewhat mollified... and Divinely Reassured... that I was not about to be Struck Down Dead... for my weakness of excited curiosity... for something disgusting... because my Guardian Angel... Was right there beside me... to Protect me... I gingerly produced the "accordion wallet"... from my winter school uniform pocket...

And with a silent prayer for help... found myself quietly and honestly... relating the unexpected incident... of that afternoon... to the wide-eyed girls - all about how I had almost tripped over... what appeared to be a wallet - my strange reaction when... upon flipping it open... I had seen its startling contents - the quandary I had found myself in... whether to just drop it again... or keep it... whether to show it to them or not... and how accidentally bumping into Pamela... had resulted in all thirteen of us... now sitting together... in her bedroom...!

I was leading up to carefully describing the contents... of the "wallet"... when it was suddenly snatched out of my hands by Carlotta... a very passionate... dark-eyed Spanish beauty... one of the nine year olds... whose nostrils always flared... when she got excited...

And with everyone now crowding around her... as she opened up the whole long concertina series of prurient... dirty pictures... the room was suddenly filled with gasps of shock... squeals... and nervous giggles...

Then sweet... pixieish Amanda... from Ireland... snatched the "wallet"... out of Carlotta's hands... and exclaimed... in her charming Irish accent...:

"...Oooh...! I've seen Mummie and Daddy doing that... on the dining room table...! ... when I heard some strange noises... coming from behind the dining room door... one night... and I peeked through the keyhole... to look...!"

And when we all craned our necks... over her shoulder... to look at the picture... she was referring to... I noticed that it was the very one... that had had me so puzzled...:

The depiction of a stark naked woman... on an elaborately carved table... propped up on her elbows and knees... on all fours... just like a dog... and an equally stark naked man... standing right behind her... with his feet on the floor... leaning in towards her exposed backside... endowed with an enormous red "soseiji" (sausage)...!

(Soseiji was the only word I knew... to describe a man's penis... which Papa had explained about to me... when he took me with him... every evening... to the "Yuya" (Communal Bathhouse)... when I was a tyke...)

(You may be interested to know... that there is no Japanese word for "penis"... or "vagina"... in the most recent dictionaries... I have looked at...! So that... in all probability... there are only slang words... to describe them...!)

The man's huge "soseiji"... which stuck out rigidly... was about to pierce the woman's invitingly pink... round bottom...!

And standing off to one side... was an expressionless... Egyptian-looking servant... with hair done in page boy style... holding nothing but a large... painted earthenware urn.. with strange looking symbols... painted on it... in his hands...!

Just as I was about to ask Amanda... whether there was a servant in attendance... the time she had seen her parents naked... like that... she blurted out...:

"But there was no servant with them... they were both quite alone...!"

This outburst gave rise to a lot of speculation... around the room... everyone trying to determine the purpose... of the tunic-clad attendant...!

We all wondered... in turn... what the pitcher contained - perhaps wine... or maybe water..? But then... why were there no goblets... or drinking glasses..?! I was glad to see... that everyone else in the room... was as puzzled as I was... even wise-for-her-years Pamela... one of the oldest girls there...

Then little Eunice... from Australia... the only seven-year old... of our Club... pointed at one of the pictures... squealing excitedly... that she had seen her Mummie... sitting naked on Daddy's lap... just like that...!

And again we all looked curiously... over her shoulder... to see which one it was... and saw a man and woman... both stark naked... sitting on a chair... with the woman's legs straddling the man's hips... facing him... both of them again looking... as if they were glued to each other...!

And the babel in the room was deafening... with everyone asserting their excited opinions... all at once... as to what all the pictures represented... and I was pleased to see... that they were "satisfying their curiosity..." ... the atmosphere light and gay...

But when the pictures showed grown... turbanned... grossly obese... naked men... from India... with little girls... straddling their laps... and women lying on their backs...underneath animals... endowed with huge "soseijis"... the whole light... playful ambience in the room... suddenly became sickeningly thick...!

Pamela was exhibiting alarming signs... of great excitement... her yellow cat's eyes glittering... licking her thick lips... and eagerly suggested... that we all take our clothes off... and copy the poses... in the pictures... using our fingers... in each others' holes... as substitutes... for what she termed the "shlongs"... a word I had never heard before...!

I was about to protest... that I did not think it was such a good idea... and that it seemed somehow "unnatural..." and distasteful to me... But the girls... now flushed in a fever of excitement... tacitly agreeing with Pamela... were already throwing off their clothes... willy-nilly...!

And in between all the giggling... and pointing at each other... they were taking turns... choosing... at random... who was going to be the man... the "sticker..."... and who was going to be the woman... the "stickee...!"

Then the girls excitedly scrabbled... all around the bedroom... looking for safe objects... to stick into each other's bodies... just like we did... when we used to play "Doctor..." ... with each other... pretending to take each other's temperatures... in our backsides... which gave all of us pleasant... tingling sensations...

And they came to the conclusion... that thick... waxy birthday cake candles... which Pamela produced... from the drawer of her bedside table... most resembled the men's "shlongs"... and would be the easiest things to use... because they were so nice and slippery... and wouldn't hurt...!

Realizing... with dismay... that things were getting way out of hand... slipping way out of my control... I tried to pacify myself... hanging on to the conviction... that this was a way... in which their "curiosity was being satisfied..."

Nevertheless... I wondered... worrying... how far they would have to go... to have their actions labeled... as "indulging themselves..."... praying all the while... that my Heavenly Guardian Angel Friend... Would Not Desert me... in my hour of need...

Just as I feared... that the girls would insist... that I join in... as a bona fide member of the Club... since everybody else was now stark naked... except for me... Pamela seized the opportunity... to tug at my school uniform... insisting that it was not fair... for me to think that I could exclude myself... from playing along... with all the others... insisting that after all... I was a member of the same Club...

Even though I was only about nine and a bit... I towered over everyone... at almost five feet seven... and initially... felt somewhat self-conscious... and "older" ... than the other nine year olds there...

But when I noticed... that it was all an innocent... giggling game to them... I decided to play lightly along... and subjected myself to their sticking candles into me... but only in my back door...

I sternly... and adamantly... drew the line... at them wanting to turn me over... to get into my "himitsu no maho no tokoro" (secret magic place)... remembering the wise words... of the old O-Baa-san... whom my favorite Amah... Suzuki... had taken me to see... for the customary sex initiation... of a little Japanese girl... by the village elder... back when I was a little tyke of four and a half... when he explained to me... that my "shu-shu"... was a very special "zaiho" (treasure)... and only for my future "Otto-san" (husband) to explore... and enjoy... as a "shojo" (virgin)...

Besides... I had always instinctively felt... that my "shu-shu"... was a "sacred place"... only for my beloved husband to invade... and enjoy... and not to be fooled around with... by all and sundry...

I must honestly confess... that I experienced a pleasurable feeling... when the candle was inserted... into my "oshiri"... just as the old O-Baa-San... had told me it would... and relaxed... enjoying the tingling sensation...

But when Pamela got the bright idea... that we should call the boys up... to join us... to play the game for real... like the grown-ups... in the pictures... something snapped inside me... and I rebelled...

Horrified at the very thought... of my precious Guido... or any other boy... coming into Pamela's bedroom... and seeing how wantonly... we had been behaving... the realization hit me... that we had actually been "indulging ourselves..."... and being borderline... decadently naughty...!

The steady... hypnotic... pitter patter of the raindrops... on the windowpane... must have lulled me... into a false sense of cozy insulation... giving me a feeling... that the girls and I... were in a secret world... of our very own... the rain outside... heightening our senses... to freely satisfy our sexual curiosity...

And feeling this sense of secret... physical permissiveness... had given us licence... to explore each other's bodies intimately... affording each other some prepubescent... carnal pleasure...

Suddenly filled with a nameless fear... and remorse... that I had allowed matters to deteriorate... to far too base a level... fearing the Wrath of God... Descending upon my head... any second... Striking me Dead... feeling very much... that I deserved nothing less... than total annihilation... from the face of the earth... I lay on my stomach... stark naked... trembling and ashamed... all those wonderful... tingling sensations... abruptly evaporated...!

Acutely and unpleasantly aware... of my nakedness... as never before... just like Adam and Eve... must have felt... after they partook of the forbidden fruit... in the Garden of Eden... I vehemently pushed the girls off me...

Hastily putting my school uniform back on... my sole intention... was to get away from the scene of sinful debauchery... as quickly as I could... detecting how the room now had an obnoxiously unpleasant... cloying smell... of sensually aroused bodies...!

But just as I reached the door... I Was Stopped Dead In My Tracks... Unable To Move... With My Legs... Suddenly Leaden...! And Then It Was As If Some Gigantic "Force"... Spun My Body Around... Making Me Face Back Into The Room Again...!

And I Was Made to really take in the decadent reality... of the tableau... in front of my eyes... of naked giggling girls... one each from England... Scotland... Ireland... Australia... Austria... Spain... Canada... Sweden... Belgium... France... and one exquisitely beautiful Eurasian... and a recent arrival from New Zealand... all carried away... and in danger of becoming more and more bold... more and more lascivious... as they lewdly poked candles... more and more indiscriminately... into the intimate parts of each other's bodies... their behavior increasingly rude... and wantonly vulgar...!

And as I saw... to my horror... that Pamela... from England... was leading the pack... enticing them... to lick each other's "oshiris"... and sticking their tongues... into them... as well as into their "shu-shus"... all of them now very obviously... in the throes... of "indulging" themselves... to my utter amazement... I felt Something Welling up... from deep inside me...!

Then... As If In Slow Motion... My Mouth Was Made To Open... And The Voice... That Issued From It... Rang Out... With An Unfamiliar Power...!

It was the timbre... of my strange sounding voice... influenced... over the years... by my mother's French/Italian... and Papa's Swiss... and Xenia's Russian... distinctive accents... and yet the Words... That Were Uttered... Issuing Out Of My Mouth... were not mine..!

And what my Voice Commandingly Roared out... like Great Peals of Thunder... Were..:

"You Are All To Clothe Yourselves This Instant...! And If You Have Not Vacated This Room... In Five Minutes Flat... And Be On Your Way To Your Respective Homes In Six... You Shall All Be Most Sorry... Indeed...!"

And as my Warning Words... Boomed... then Echoed... around the room... in a Stentorian Voice of Power... all the giggling and naughty play-acting... suddenly ceased abruptly...!

Everybody looked... as if they had been turned into pillars of salt... just like Lot's wife... when she looked back... upon the destruction of the sinful cities... of Sodom... and Gomorrah...!

And all the girls were trembling now... their eyes huge with fear... their faces stricken... and white as ghosts... as if they had suddenly been woken up... from a deep trance...!

And as my Piercing Blue Gaze... alighted on the first girl... my very Aware Eyes... never leaving her face... she started... as if struck by a bolt of lightning... then hastily put her clothes back on... As I Was Made To Keep On... Glaring At Her...!

Likewise with the second... the third... the fourth... until all eleven girls... were decently dressed... once again...

Then noticing that pudgy Pamela... was still naked... I Was Made to Glare at her... as well... And she flinched... then slowly put her clothes back on... all the while sniveling petulantly... whining that I always spoiled her fun...

All the girls knew... from the time of my Tarzan days... that I meant business...

And as I waited by the door... my Other Voice... Sternly Warned each one of them... as they filed past me... with their heads bowed down...:

"If You Ever Tell Anybody Else... About What Just Transpired... Here... In The Privacy... Of Pamela's Bedroom... You Will Have Me To Deal With... And Believe Me... It Will Not Be Pleasant...!

Let It Be Enough... That Your "Curiosity Has Been Satisfied..."!

I could see in their eyes... how they suddenly became afraid of me... no doubt thinking of the time... when I... as Tarzan... had locked Amanda... and some of the other "Janes... up in the dungeon... for hours on end... to test their courage...

All the Club Members... dressed in their clothes... once again... meekly filed out... past me... one by one... And as each girl brushed past me... her head downcast... some of them even with a hint of tears... in their eyes... unable to meet mine... it was very obvious to me... that they were now Being Made to feel... deeply ashamed of themselves...

When they had all vacated the room... the strange "Spell"... I Had Been Put Under... Lifted... and I was able to move of my own volition... once more...

I turned around... and seeing the now utterly offensive "accordion wallet"... clutched in Pamela's moist... pudgy hands... I angrily yanked it out of her grasp... as she sat drooling... over the "dirty" pictures...

Bending over her... until our noses... were almost touching... looking straight into her strange... yellow cat's eyes... I warned her to keep the events of that afternoon... strictly to herself... or she would answer to me...

And as I left her room... the very room... in which she had intimidated... and terrified me... not five years earlier... I could hear her whining peevishly... about how I always managed to spoil things for her...

As I cycled back to the ISY... going over that naughty afternoon... of sinful debauchery... I marvelled over how I Had Been "Compelled..." ... by my Heavenly Father... via my Guardian Angel Friend... To Break It Up... and so frighteningly...!

And I prayed and prayed... for forgiveness... of my own weakness... and also for the emotions of the young girls... that I had introduced... such bad things to... hoping that their impressionable minds... had not been too badly corrupted... especially by the graphically depicted... orgiastic... and bestial scenes... in the now to me... odious... utterly repugnant... filthy dirty "wallet"...!

I particularly wanted to get rid of the reproduction of the painting called... "The Temptation of Lucrezia"... showing a voluptuous... reclining naked woman... her beautiful face... turned towards a creature... standing in the shadows... half man... half goat... instinctively making me realize... with a shudder... that I was looking at Lucifer... the fallen Angel...!

Becoming thoroughly disgusted with myself... I stopped my bike... looking for a place to throw the vile... corrupting object away... And noticing a drainage outlet... at the side of the road... into which a torrent of water was gushing... I violently threw it into the ditch... watching it rapidly disappear from view... going down... down... down... into the very depths of Hell... where it belonged... I fervently hoped...

Immediately after discarding the now thoroughly offensive... odious "wallet"... I felt very much lighter... and very much relieved... that it was gone into the depths of darkness... forever... never again to be a vehicle to tempt... excite... and corrupt the senses... of some other innocent child... whether girl... or even boy... in such a prurient... decadent manner...

I even found myself singing Praises... to my Heavenly Father... once again... my face lifted up to Heaven... in ecstasy... to be washed clean... by the pouring rain... knowing that I had done the right thing... feeling very much Forgiven...

And after all... I mused to myself... upon looking back... the girls had taken it all very lightly... giggling away... trying to copy the complicated poses... laughing their heads off... if one of them could not keep her balance... and fell over... amid shrieks of laughter...

Now that it was all over... I had not noticed any evidence... of real lust... in the girls... except... of course... in poor... "shu-shu" obsessed Pamela... with her drooling lips... her greedy eyes... devouring each tender body... lasciviously... making some of them feel slightly uncomfortable... as they felt her lustful... strangely yellow cat's eyes... boldly raking their fresh... innocent... exposed flesh... and maybe passionate... hot-blooded Carlotta... whose nostrils often flared... whenever she got excited...

(At that age... I did not know the word "sex" ... to describe Pamela's obsession... so to me she was "shu-shu" obsessed... the only word I knew... to describe that part of the body... taught me... by my succession of village Amahs... when they tried to cajole me to pee... urgently saying...:

"Sera-chan...! Sera-chan...! Shu-shu...! Shu-shu...! Shu-shu...!"

As they held my two to three year old little body... with my legs spread wide apart... over the open ditch... at the side of the village road... dressed in my kimono... but always sans panties... with my bare little bottom exposed... to the whole world...!)

And now... as I sat on Pamela's lawn... at her tenth birthday party... witnessing her disgusting... lewd display... with her pet dog... Tudor... it niggled at me... that I had been indirectly responsible... for putting the idea... into her head... when she saw the picture of a dog... licking a woman's "shu-shu"... in one of the dirty pictures... and then a man copulating with the very same woman... in the next picture... and hoped and prayed... that Pamela had not gotten the idea... from that filthy dirty "wallet"...

And just as I was agonizing over the possibility... she crowed out loud... unabashedly... to everybody... assembled there... grinning...:

"Guess where I got the idea of Tudor licking me down there from...?"

And without waiting for a response... from the now blushing and embarrassed boys and girls... she went on to gleefully expound... on how her handsome young Cook-San and she... often played with each other's intimate parts...!

And as we all reacted with horror... she blithely went on to tell us how... right after she was expelled... her Cook-san... noticing how sad she was... had told her how good it felt... when a dog licked you "down there"... and had even taught her how to train Tudor...! And now that Tudor slept with her in her bedroom... every night... she had him lick her... for as long as she wanted him to...!

And then she said... before we could quite digest her astounding words... with her strange... yellow cat's eyes... glittering...:

"Next thing Cook-San is going to teach me... is training Tudor... to put his little wee-wee inside me... and then won't that be fun... ooohh...! He says he would put his own big "shlong" inside me now... but I'm still too small for him...! He only wants to give me pleasure... doesn't want to hurt me...!

Maybe next year... he says... when I start bleeding... and become a woman... (whatever that meant) - won't that be fun - I can't wait until I'm big enough... and old enough... for my handsome Cook-San's great big shlong... to go inside me..!

You want to know how come I know it's called a shlong...? I overheard my pater... telling dear old Ma-maah... one night... that he's sick and tired of her excuses... of always refusing to let him put his shlong... inside her in bed...!

And getting excited... all over again... she whistled for Tudor who... right on cue... shot between her open fat legs again...!

Now this really was the last straw... for how on earth... could I possibly wean Pamela away... from her terrible... all-consuming... life-long obsession... when she had a live-in servant... who was carelessly debauching her daily...!

I thought of reporting her Cook-San's bad influence on Pamela... to her parents... but how could I shatter the illusions of dreamy... delicate... wispy Mrs. N.... who seemed to float through life... and never saw anything wrong in anybody... anywhere...!

And Pamela's father... was even more hopeless... practically a stranger... in his own home... hardly ever there... always away... on some urgent business trip or other... guiltily making up for his frequent absences... by showering his wife and only child... his daughter... with expensive presents... whenever he returned...

Deep down... I knew that poor Pamela... born under the sign of Scorpio... which was ruled by the sexual organs... was especially cursed... with a powerful... insatiable... and ghastly sexual affliction... that ruled her... and that no one... and nothing... could really help her... unless she herself... truly wanted to be helped... with every fiber of her being...

Sad at heart... I totally gave up on her... resorting to simply continuing to fervently pray... for her troubled soul... every night... as I had been doing... ever since her first violent attack... on my body... when I was very little...

Having been expelled from the ISY... after Pamela's disgusting exhibition... in the tree... shortly after her birthday party... she and her family left Japan for good... for parts unknown... probably back to England... because of the rumors of war...

I hope and pray... that the rest of her years... on this earth... have been kind to her... and that the disturbing turbulence... in her troubled soul... became quietened... and more normal... as she grew older - God Willing...

Before long... all the other Internationals... also left Japan for good... especially after England... declared War on Germany... on September 14th... of that year...

Chapter 35
The Disturbing Echo Of... "Nippon No Heitai-san Wa... Banzai...!"

Sitting on my seat... on the train... headed for Nagasaki... very aware... that we were escaping the country... without official permission... looking out of the window... watching the scenery of rural Japan... whiz by... for the very last time... with the memories of my turbulent life... in that enigmatic... mysteriously exotic country... crowding my thoughts... I became aware... that something at the back of my mind... was struggling to come to the surface...

And finally... I gave way... and let myself really think... about the unnerving scene... I had just witnessed... back at the Eki... when Papa and Xenia... had suddenly gone off together... telling me to "Stay put..."... leaving me all alone...

And how... as I anxiously waited... for them to come back... whilst occupying myself... with watching the fascinating hustle and bustle of the "eki akabo" (redcaps)... and frantic "kokansha" (commuters)... going on all around me... I had suddenly noticed that ominous looking... platoon of "Nippon no Heitai-san" (Japanese infantrymen)... dressed to the teeth... for battle...!

Their unexpected appearance... in the flesh... had startled me... for until then... I had only seen them depicted... countless times in Japanese newsreels... at the cinema... being shown in military training... by German officers... in preparation... for the certain future event of combat... with some future arch enemy... such as the Koreans - in fact... next to the Russians... the Japanese hated these gentle native people... the most...!

I had also seen them... as triumphant conquerors... of yet another Chinese... or Manchurian village... but never up close... and in person... and a stab of ominous fear... had shot through me... bringing home the stark reality... as never before... that Japan was really seriously preoccupying itself with war..!

Growing up... I had heard many rumors... that the Koreans... the word "Korea"... meaning "Land of the Morning Calm..."... had been despised... and ostracized for centuries... regarded as undesirable non-citizens... by the Nipponese... classified as being far too independent... and individualistic... by nature... to suit the ruling Shoguns... of the land... and therefore had been singled out... to be harassed... and tormented... at every turn...!

How many times... had I seen those pitiful... bedraggled creatures... who had managed somehow... to flee their war-torn country... coming to Nippon... as hopeful refugees... only to be treated as pariahs... never allowed... to live freely... amongst other Nipponese... or even conduct any kind of business... but forced to live... at the edges of villages... and townships... in pathetic... ramshackle hovels... made of flimsy thin sheets of corrugated tin... and cardboard... with no other recourse... but to become beggars...!

Desperate... they would haunt the streets... searching for scraps of cloth... to cover the emaciated bodies... of their half-starved children... all of them filthy... covered with grime... and barefoot... pouncing on bits of food... thrown from tavern doorways... incessantly scrabbling... like wild animals... for their sustenance... in order to keep their poor shivering... often diseased... skeletal bones... fed and clothed - many of them covered with leprous sores...

As a little girl... I had been in the habit... of bringing the barely human wretches home... to our warm kitchen... demanding that we... who had so much... feed and clothe them properly... my heart breaking... every time I saw their terrible plight... in the village streets...

My mother would be aghast and horrified... to see me blithely walking into the house... fearlessly holding some diseased beggars' hands... tightly in mine... hearing me murmuring to them... not to be afraid... reassuring their trembling... hesitant bodies... and wild staring eyes... that they would find nothing but warmth... food and shelter... and loving welcome... in our hearts and homes for them...

Although I could never quite understand... how the pathetic creatures... disappeared so quickly... after I left them safe and sound with Cook-San... in the kitchen... and naturally believed... whatever lies were told me - mostly along the lines that... once their bellies... were stuffed with food... they had felt out of their depth... and uncomfortable... in the opulence of our house... and simply left... of their own accord...!

I always felt slightly hurt... that they had left... without so much as bidding me an "Arigato" (thank you) ... or "Sayonara Sera-chan...!"

It was only years later... that I found out that... as soon as I had left the kitchen... my mother had sharply ordered Cook-San... to get rid of the filthy beggars... at once... allowing him to throw some scraps of leftover food... outside on the ground for them... as if they were mongrel dogs... and not human beings at all...!

Upon hearing the painful truth at last... when I was well into my thirties... I was overcome with guilt... that I had not protected... those poor unfortunates... more fully... paying closer attention... to their needs... by staying behind... in the kitchen... making certain... that they were fed and clothed first... before leaving them to the kindly ministrations of Cook-san... innocently trusting... that my naturally humane requests... would be carried out...

My mother was very fortunate... indeed... that I never saw that cruel... heartless side of her... as a tot... for if I had... I am certain... that my hitherto unconditional... blind adoration of her... would have become noticeably scarred... and I would have looked upon her... as more of a comparative stranger... than bound to each other... by flesh and blood... undeniably feeling... that we could not possibly be... an integral part of each other...!

Bringing myself back to the present... I shivered at the memory... of those menacing looking... "heitai-san"... suddenly coming to an abrupt halt... right opposite me... and how... upon being suddenly noticed... by their fellow countrymen and women... had been paid such singular... fervent... patriotic homage... by them...!

At this unaccustomed... open display... of unabashed patriotism... I had felt a shiver of inexplicable dread... run down my spine... my scalp tingling... and my hairs seeming to stand on end...!

And then I had suddenly felt... a sense of foreboding... when the realization hit me that... in truth... I... the only Caucasian there... was now standing out baldly... as an outsider... an intruder even... feeling for the very first time in my life... as if I no longer... was one of them...!

And not liking the new sensation... one little bit... I had shrugged the patriotic scene... from my disturbed consciousness... just as a train came chugging... into my line of vision... coming to a dead halt... right in front of me... thereby mercifully obscuring my view of the soldiers... and the cheering crowd... on the opposite platform...

Sitting on my seat now... as the train sped towards Nagasaki... I found myself wondering about those "heitai-san"...

And all of a sudden... I "knew"... with an undeniable certainty... that we were getting out of Japan... in the nick of time...! Seeing that platoon of soldiers... armed to the teeth... convinced me... that something most ominous... and of global proportions... was about to happen... any day soon now...!

And a warm rush of pride... went out towards my clever... wise Papa... for coming up with such an ingenious plan... as to "escape"... with his family today... and not only today... but come to think of it... on the very date... that Remo had been forewarned about... in his Angel Dream...!

And a "certainty"... arose in my being... that our perilous journey... was somehow being Guided... and Directed... by my Heavenly Father... Almighty God... Who Had Sent a Special Heavenly Angel... to my big brother... Remo...! And that this Angel of God... Would be Protecting the Rau family...!

The shunting motion of the train... was making me feel drowsy... so I settled down into my seat... more comfortably... feeling the need to relax my keyed up body... and quieten the turbulence of my thoughts... considering all the excitement... of the past two eventful days... not to mention the dubious tension... of the past three months...

I thought sleepily to myself...:

"Perhaps I shall write about it all some day... And I hope we don't bump into those "heitai-san"... in Nagasaki... they looked far too purposeful... for my liking... as if they were ready to go to war... ready to kill...!"

Chapter 36
Our Safe Arrival... In Nagasaki... Which Becomes My Very Last Night... On The Shores... Of My Beloved Nippon...!

The jolting of the train... coming to a stop... woke me out of a deep sleep... and I looked around... disoriented and dazed for a moment... noticing that it was quite dark outside... the Eki... sparsely and dimly lit... looking eerily ghostly...

Then remembering the officially imposed... black-out edict... of the day before... I wondered whether we had arrived... at our destination... for I knew that Nagasaki... being an important port city... would... no doubt... stringently abide... by the governmental decree...

Then Papa was urging us... to hurry up... and collect our belongings... because it was time to get off the train... but ordering me... to leave Hana's holiday presents behind...

So... it was true... we had indeed arrived in Nagasaki...!

And my heart beat with joy... and a sense of relief... but also sadness... as I looked down... on the very last reminders... and evidence... of my dear Hana-san's special love for me...

So far... so good - we had managed the first leg of our "escape"... without any mishap...

Still heavy with sleep... after we got off the train at Nagasaki... I allowed myself... to be shunted along... by the others... and before I was fully awake... found myself ensconced... in a small "Nippon no Yadoya" (Japanese inn) ... situated close to the harbor...

I barely remember... taking my shoes off... leaving them outside... on the landing... of the Yadoya... nor eating any dinner... even though it consisted... of my very favorite Japanese food... because I was feeling so tired... and could think of nothing... but putting my head down somewhere... on a pillow... drifting blissfully off to dreamland... and possibly yet another visit... to my true home... in Heaven...

My mother told me... many years later... that she had never ever had any trouble... in getting me to go to bed... at bedtime... for I would always smile... with ecstatic Joy... happy to skip off to sleep... announcing to everybody... that I was going off... for an overnight visit... to my home in Heaven..!

Neither did I have an inkling... that very last night in Japan... that it would be a good many years... before I tasted Japanese food... again...!

As a matter of fact... it would be in the USA... when I was in my forties... and well after the war years... that I would finally frequent a Japanese restaurant... once more...!

Because... during our three month stay in Los Angeles and New York... in 1942... there were no Japanese restaurants... neither in Switzerland... England... nor on the continent of Africa... or in the Caribbean islands... during the years... 1942 to 1971...!

Otherwise... I may have lingered over my meal... even longer than usual... paying closer attention... to savoring the delectable flavorings... on that very last night... of November 9th... 1941... in my beloved Nippon...

As soon as dinner was over... Papa... advising us to lie down in our rooms and rest... but not to get undressed... until he came back to fetch us... left the Yadoya ... to go down to the docks... to try to seek passage... on some boat... that very night... cautiously walking close to the sides... of blacked out buildings... ever mindful of the danger... of encountering the dreaded Japanese "keikan" (policemen)... that might be lurking about... looking for illegal refugees...

I was much too sleepy... and tired... to feel concerned... or excited... or nervous... about Papa's dangerous predicament - all I wanted to do... was put my head down...

And I vaguely remember Prima... pulling the fouton... on the tatami floor... up over my body... in our room... suggesting that I close my eyes... and try to sleep... bending over me... to kiss me on my cheek... promising that she would not leave my side...

I just barely had enough strength... to push aside the cushioned hard wooden block... the Japanese version of a pillow... which was always too uncomfortably high... for my extra long neck... to sleep directly on the tatami...

And it seemed as if I had just drifted off... when she was shaking me... urgently telling me to wake up...

"Wh-hat's the matter..?"...

... I stammered... my heart beginning to hammer fearfully... in my throat...:

"Sshssh...!"

...she whispered... putting her finger to her lips...

"Be very... very quiet... don't ask any questions... just get up right now... and come with me... we're leaving...!"

My eleven and a half year old young... sensitive... weak heart... by now... was pounding to beat the band... and a million questions... rose to my lips...

But I said nothing... sensing a seriousness... in the tone of my sister's voice... and movements... and quickly did her bidding... trying to be as quiet as a church mouse...

When we were ready... Prima picked up our two small suitcases each... hefting them under her arm... handed me mine... beckoning that I do the same... and with her other hand... took hold of my hand... quietly pushed the sliding shoji screen doors back... and stepped out into the long... silent... empty corridor...

Then... putting her finger to her lips... again... urging me to stay silent... she pointed to her right... and at her tug... we slipped along the empty hallway... in our bare feet... on tiptoe... past other shoji screen doors... to our parents' room... down the hall...

As Prima slowly slid their shoji screen door back... Xenia jumped to her feet... in alarm... pale-faced and trembling... her lips quivering... then sighed with relief... when she saw that it was only her step-children... and not the dreaded "keikan..."... come to arrest her...!

Seeing Xenia's distraught... nervous state... Prima immediately took charge... and taking her by the arm... still holding my hand... quickly herded us... out of the room and downstairs... where Remo was waiting for Papa to return... his face tight with anxiety... our meager cases of luggage... now grouped around his feet... except for Xenia's precious make-up case... in which were all the paraphernalia... to create her false "Mask of Beauty"... which she held tightly close to her chest... refusing to let go of it...

The four of us... quickly put our shoes back on... and just as we were wondering where Papa was... he hurriedly came through the darkened entrance of the Yadoya... gesturing urgently for us to come to him... pointing to the luggage...

Remo immediately... and with the greatest of ease... scooped up several suitcases... and Prima... Xenia and I... between us... picked up the rest... and we all silently stepped quickly up to Papa...

When we were all assembled around him... outside... he told us in a low voice... that he had been down to the docks... and had managed to get passage for us... on... of all things... a Chinese junk... bound for Shanghai...!

And he added that... for safety's sake... we were not to walk down to the docks together... as a family... but that we should split ourselves up...:

Remo to escort Xenia alone... first... Prima and Graziella... to wait for his return... to fetch them...

Meanwhile... Papa instructed further... as a safety precaution... he would go on ahead... on his own... for there were bound to be some "keisatsu" ... around the harbor... on the lookout for illegal... immigrant stowaways...!

So saying... he turned heel... and as he briskly walked away... into the misty darkness... he advised Remo... to wait ten minutes... before following him with Xenia...

And as his footsteps faded away... I sent Up a fervent prayer... that the Angels of God... Would Protect my Papa... from all harm...

Wide awake and alert now... I started to get quite excited... and tingly scared... and keyed up... all at the same time... at all the secretive "cloak and dagger" goings on... just like in the swashbuckling tales of intrigue... I had read about... noticing how very grave... Papa's face had looked... in the dim light of the Yadoya's entrance...

Breathlessly wondering... what the thrilling experience... of sailing on a Chinese junk... for the very first time in my life... would be like... and very impatient now to get going... get down to the docks... I tried to force myself... not to dwell on Papa's unsettling... grave demeanor...

We silently waited... in the pitch dark... until it was time for Remo and Xenia... to follow in Papa's footsteps...

While they were gone... Prima and I... now all alone... just stood together... hesitant to converse with each other... and I noticed a slight chilly breeze whipping up... and wondered briefly... whether this unexpected change in the weather... was an ill omen... and shivered involuntarily... and not quite from the sudden cold...!

Anxiously standing there... in my ugly... scratchy green threadbare... too short in the sleeves... and too tight round the waist overcoat... waiting for Remo to return... I found myself wondering... how the other members of Papa's party... were faring... those few who had agreed to escape... without official permission... back in Yokohama... who were... no doubt... busily putting their own affairs in order... making their own diverse arrangements... to leave Japan... without arousing too much suspicion... and I sent Up a fervent prayer... for their safety... also...

Greatly relieved... to see the figure of tall... handsome Remo... returning in one piece... Prima and I hurriedly went to meet him...

Actually... it was only about a twenty minute walk... down to the harbor... and although it was pitch black outside... with no moon out that night... I knew that we had arrived at the docks... because I could smell the distinct... unpleasant odor of rotting fish... wafting up to us... and hear the sound of the waves... gently lapping against the jutting pier...

As I stood with Prima... on the swaying dock... unable to see a blessed thing... in front of my eyes... in the inky... stinky... chilly blackness... of the night... it suddenly occurred to me... that Papa... Xenia... and now even Remo... had suddenly vanished... and were nowhere to be seen...!

And I became very afraid... and shivering uncontrollably... could not help but wonder... with an awful feeling of dread... inside my pre-pubescent young breast...:

"Whatever is going to happen next...?! Is Prima going to disappear... also... and am I... the useless... brainless "dumb cluck"... going to be left behind... after all...?!"

End Of PART I-A - Thirty-Six Chapters

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