Chapter 1
The Ghastliest Thirteen Hours Of Terror... This Sensitive Soul... Has Ever Experienced... In Her Young Life...!

And just then... my body was suddenly roughly seized... by pairs of unseen hands... from behind...! Then... as my heart lurched in sudden terror... I was swiftly being pushed along... up a narrow... wobbly gangplank... as if I weighed no more... than a bag of feathers...!

And then... I was suddenly being lifted up... and hurtled... plunged head first... and pitched down... into what seemed like the very bowels... of the earth...!

My long body landed... with a jarring thud... right on top of a huge canvas sack... the softness of which... cushioned my fall...!

And getting the sense... that there was a vast space... all around me... in my new unfamiliar surroundings... was utterly terrifying...

And my heart filled with dread... suddenly... acutely aware... of how eerily nerve-wracking... and pitch black... dank... and foul-smelling... the atmosphere all around me was...!

Everything had happened so fast - one minute... I was standing on the bobbing dock... with my sister... and the next minute... my body was being indiscriminately manhandled... raised dizzyingly up... up... up... then plunged down... down... down...!

And now I had this frightening... overwhelming sensation... that I was all alone... abandoned in some desolate... awful pit... doomed to stay there... for all eternity...!

Feeling utterly depressed... and gloomy... I wondered whether I had been deserted by my family... for I could not recall... seeing any member of them... nor hearing any of their voices... ever since being roughly manhandled... and shoved... on board the crude... odious vessel... which was now stinking... of a mixture of oil... and rotten fish...

Getting shakily to my wobbly knees... and slithering down the sack... landing on a damp... hard surface... I leaned against it... in the inky darkness... trembling with fear... much too terrified... to stand up... to even take a single step forward... and suddenly unable to move... I got all panicky... my imagination running riot...

I tried to speak... to call out Papa's... Prima's... or Remo's... or even Xenia's name... but my throat was all choked up... frozen with terror...!

In the deathly stillness... and pitch dark... all I could do... was have feverish thoughts of doom... as the awful stench of oil and fish... kept invading my nostrils...:

"Maybe they've sold you...! ... have no more use for you... Remember all the times Papa called you stupid... and brainless... and a “dumb cluck..."?

Come to think of it... always in front of a very pleased Xenia... claiming that he had never asked for you to be born... but since you had been... the only purpose... for your existence... was to make yourself useful to others...?

Oh my God...! Maybe you're being shipped off... to some wealthy mandarin... in Shanghai... after all... or finally sold into slavery... for the Oriental Sex Slave Market...!

Remember how many times... all those succession of village Amahs... warned that you... with your alabaster white skin... blonde hair... and blue eyes... would be a rare... valued commodity... throughout the Far East...?

And remember the time... you were kidnapped... for the second time... and barely escaped with your life... with the Timely Help... of your Guardian Angel Friend... when you were barely seven years old...!?

It was on the very night... of that shocking morning... when first... you accidentally discovered... that Xenia's glamorous looks... were totally artificial... very cleverly... and artistically contrived... into a false “Mask of Beauty”... that your adored Papa... knew absolutely nothing about... and never would...!

And then... that huge... shocking deception... was followed immediately after... by the startling sight... of that naked from the waist down... lewd "Daiku-san"... right outside the garden gate...!

And... thoroughly outraged... with your Guardian Angel... Filling your being... with that familiar Superhuman Strength... you had given the insolent blaggard... a good pummeling... even knocking one of his teeth out...?

And then... right after...you were Given that Incredible... Miraculous Revelation... when your Beloved Heavenly Father... Showed you the Magnificence... Of His Spectacular World... Through His Perfect Eyes... As He Created It... !?"

Chapter 2
My Very First Exposure... At The Tender Age... Of About Seven... To A Most Shocking Deceit...!

At the time... I happened to be visiting... newly married Papa and Xenia... for the very first time... during my very first short week's school break... in their lovely new love nest... on the beautiful coastal resort of Atami... situated on the curve... of the Izu Peninsula...

And in the double excitement... of the novelty... of having my very own bedroom... in a family home... and the experience... of finding myself... all alone in the lovely... spacious two storey house... with my now brand new stepmother Xenia... who used to be Auntie Xenia... I believed that this bright sunny morning... was a perfect opportunity... to establish a closer relationship with her... get to know her better... totally undisturbed...

Also in view of the fact... that her precious husband... whom she lovingly called Theo... had just left the house... a little while ago... to go to his office... and for the very first time... had not woken me up... at the crack of dawn... to join him in his upstairs attic gym... for grueling exercises... then expecting me... to climb up and down some "yama" (mountain)... near his house... before breakfast... and as usual... not even allowed... a sip of water... or food... beforehand...!

It had been his determination... to make a world class athletic champion... out of me... a rigorous training program... that he had instituted for his darling Nadia... when she was barely three years old... even having had a set of special... miniature dumbbells made... specifically for her...!

And feeling suddenly happily liberated... on impulse... I quickly took off my brand new... expensive red silk pajamas... another present from my adored Papa...

And putting on my play dress... hoping I would not be scolded... for leaving my long... golden tresses gloriously loose... for a change... instead of them being braided... in loathed pigtails... I had happily skipped into their master bedroom... barefoot... without knocking - something I had never... ever done before... entering somebody's private quarters... without first politely knocking on their door... and waiting to be invited in...

It was so wonderful... to be walking around the spacious house... indoors... barefoot... again... a Japanese custom... that I had always followed... ever since I was a tot... and had been sadly forced to give up... when I became a permanent boarder... at the ISY... expected to wear shoes... at all times... not only outdoors... but indoors... as well...

And as I gaily flung their bedroom door wide open... with a huge grin of greeting... on my face... I was suddenly brought up short... in the doorway... the smile instantly frozen on my lips... shocked and startled... to see quite the most hideous apparition... I had ever seen in my life...! Much worse even... than some of the ugly white... ghost-like masks... of the traditional "Kabuki" characters... I had been accustomed to seeing on stage... in Japanese Kabuki theaters...!

For what my disbelieving... astonished eyes now beheld... reflected in the brightly lit... huge dressing table mirror... across my parents' spacious master bedroom... was the grotesque-looking face... of what appeared to be some repulsive gargoyle...!

Puzzled and mesmerized... with my heart beating very fast... with trepidation... all I could do was just stand there... rooted to the spot... staring... at this repugnant visage... for the longest moment - it seemed like an eternity - before it finally dawned on my young... seven year old self... that the ugly face... I was staring at... was actually none other... than that of Xenia's... my brand new... Russian stepmother...!

She had gasped in fearful shock... at first... afraid that her beloved Theo... had come back... having forgotten something important... when she suddenly saw... that it was her little... although too tall for her age... stepdaughter... standing reflected behind her... in the mirror...

And it was as if time... had frozen still... as two pairs of eyes... one pair blue... round with shock... and another pair... of an interesting shade of grey-blue... round with a mixture of surprise... and dismay... stared at each other... for the longest time... their gazes riveted... upon each other's faces...

Then Xenia's body... gave an involuntary shudder... and shrugging her shoulders... pulling her beautiful... emerald green silk peignor closed... sighing resignedly... she beckoned for me to come closer to her...

My first reaction... had been to turn tail... and bolt out of the room... get away... from the repulsive sight of my stepmother's barely recognizable features... But noticing her naked look of vulnerability... I suddenly felt sorry for her... and shyly sidled up to her...

When I was standing by her side... she grasped me firmly by my arm... then looking earnestly up into my eyes... turned my body towards her dressing table mirror... and told me... in her heavily accented voice... to take a real good look... at her face...

Apprehensively peering... at the glaringly lit up reflection... in her mirror... reluctant to examine her visage... more closely... I could not help but reel back... horrified...!

I knew that Xenia was only in her early thirties... but her face looked much older... drawn... and haggard... with much of her skin... wrinkled and lined...! And on top of it all... there were many bald spots on her head... and what there was of her hair... now damp from the bath... she had obviously just taken... was sparsely wispy... and limp...!

Taking in my look of sheer horror... realizing the importance... of gaining her now new stepdaughter's trust... and acceptance... Xenia gently sat me down... next to her... on her roomy vanity chair...

And as I breathed in the exquisite scent... of her expensive bath salts... while looking at me... in the mirror... she patiently began explaining to me... that the wrinkles... and lines... on her face... were due to the ravages... of what a harsh life... had done to her... living in Harbin... where her father had fled to... with her... after the collapse of the Romanov empire... and later on... after he died... moving to Shanghai... barely able to eke out a living there...

And I heard... for the very first time... that my new stepmother... was actually the daughter... of a quite heroic figure... the famous General Bogoluboff... of the White Russian Army... who had been fiercely loyal to Tsar Nicholas...!

Listening to my brand new stepmother... as she spoke to me... in her heavily accented Russian... as she gravely looked at me... in her vanity mirror... I was utterly fascinated... because it was the very first time in my life... that somebody was confiding her very own life story to me... and talking so seriously... as if I were not a mere slip of a girl of about seven... but a grown-up... just like her...!

I already had observed... from closely associating with Sonya... one of the Russian girls... at the ISY... for the past year... that it seemed to be in the character... of her people... to express themselves... quite "soulfully"... and dramatically...

And Xenia seemed to echo that particular trait... as she dramatically embellished... on how hard it had been for her... growing up... even way back... when she lived in her homeland... Mother Russia... with her stern military father...

And she confided further... how her father... had never forgiven her... not only for not being a boy... the son he had wanted so desperately... to follow in his footsteps... instead of siring yet another daughter... but also because his beloved wife... had died... in giving birth to her...!

Desperate to awaken feelings of sympathy... in me... her youngest new stepdaughter... whom she could see... was sitting... cringing slightly... next to her... she confided further... how her father... who had never remarried... had kept her close to him... and how she had grown up in various military camps... strictly treated by him... like a soldier boy... and never showing her any love or affection... whatsoever...

And as I began to feel terribly sorry... for my new stepmother Xenia... realizing that she had never known a mother's tender love... she astonished me all over again... by confiding... that my adored Papa Rau... had never seen her real face... without any "make-up" on... without her elaborate... what she was calling... her "Massk off Biootty"... in place... vehemently vowing... that he never would... because he had fallen in love... with the lovely illusion... she had created for him...!

And she added passionately... that she would rather die... than have her beloved Theo... ever see her... as she really looked...!

Turning towards me... on her vanity seat... her head and face... resembling a repellant death's-head... she gripped me by my arms... and looking deep into my eyes... the intensity of her expression... seeming to burn holes... into my head... making me suddenly fearful... she said in her intriguing... heavily accentuated Russian accent... but annoyingly mispronouncing my name...:

"I vaant yu to no... Grad-zella... zat yu arr de only perrson in de verld... who hes sin my neked fess... in its fright-evokink riellity... vidout mai "Massk off Biootty"...!"

And with sudden tears... welling up in her soft... beautiful blue-grey eyes... she continued...:

"Ent I vaant yu to promiss mie... raitt nau... nevair... evair... to tell enyboty... abautt vaat yu hev jest sin...!

Pliss... Grad-zella... I em beggink yu... lett uss mek it to bie aur verry oon siecrett... jest bitvin de too off uss ledees... yess...?"

It was the very first time... in my young life... that a grown-up... was asking me... no... begging me... to keep a secret... and the enormity of her plea... plus referring to me as a lady... filled my seven year old being... with heretofore unfamiliar sensations...!

Suddenly... I no longer felt like a little girl of seven... but somehow instantly transformed... into an adult...!

And sensing the serious responsibility... of what my stepmother was asking of me... that I never divulge the truth... about her false looks... to another living soul... ever... made me feel very grown-up... indeed...!

Gazing back into Xenia's troubled... beautiful grey-blue eyes... as earnestly as I could... I sincerely vowed... crossing my heart... to keep her secret... adding silently... and fervently to myself...

"As God Is my Witness...!"

For I was much too shy... to share with anybody else... out loud... the especially unique... private relationship... I had always enjoyed... with my Heavenly Father... ever feeling His Holy Essence... and Presence... inside my being... like a gentle Vibration... ever since I could remember...

And at the same time... I fervently reminded myself... never... ever... to use the advantage... that knowing Xenia's terrible secret... of clever deception... gave me... by demanding any special favors from her... in the future... as our relationship developed...

Then I suddenly found myself saying...:

"But on one condition...!"

Dismayed to see how alarmed she became... her gargoyle face turning an even ghastlier white... I quickly reassured her... patting her on her arm... my words coming out in a rush...:

"Don't worry... Xenia... All I want... is to be allowed to watch the steps you take... to make up your special "Mask of Beauty"... whenever I want to...!"

Smiling with relief... - although her smile looked more like a stretched rictus... of a skeleton's skull - making me want to shudder with utter revulsion... all over again... she agreed... saying...:

"Off cuorrse yu cen votch mie... venevair yu vish...!"

I could see... that she was very relaxed now... all the tension of a moment ago... gone from her ugly... gargoyle features...

Xenia then turned back to her big dressing table mirror... which had enormous bulbs... framing it all around... which glaringly... and mercilessly... lit up every line... every wrinkle... on her ravaged skin...

And thus began my education... in cleverly applying "make-up"... a word I was hearing... for the very first time... And as my stepmother dabbed... and pressed... and patted... and stroked her face gently... she gave a running commentary... imparting her jealously kept secrets... of how she had learned to use the magic of "make-up"... very skillfully - one kind for the daytime... and another kind... for the evening...

Leaning against the rough sack of the stinking Chinese junk... in the pitch black... of that never to be forgotten night of November 9th... 1941... I reminded myself... of that other... never to be forgotten morning...

Recalling how... for the next two hours... I had watched... utterly fascinated... while Xenia slowly... and carefully... and meticulously... transformed her unattractive... prematurely old face... and straggly... wispy hair... into something unbelievably lovely... by contrast... most effectively... using a cornucopia of lotions... creams... powders... tubes... sticks... and false hair pieces... which she took out of her large... lockable make-up case...

And how... when it was finally over... to my great relief... her face was once more transformed... into a lovely look... that was familiar to me... her face closely resembling that of the famous film star... Myrna Loy... but with her hair coiffed exactly... like that of the other famous movie star... Kay Francis... with her trademark center parting...!

And then I remembered... the delightful surprise of discovering... how much Xenia loved my crowning glory...!

Now that she was glamorous... once more... almost dreamily... she had picked up her hairbrush... and began gently brushing my waist long... richly rippling... golden tresses... all the while... tenderly murmuring... with a sound of awe... in her voice...:

"Joost laik engels golt...!"

And I just sat there... purring with pleasure... with my eyes closed... loving the sensation... of being caressed... which was so rare... never wanting it to stop...

But then... all of a sudden... my eyes opened... and my attention was drawn... to the bright sunshine... streaming through the glass windowpane... into the bedroom window...!

And longing now... to be distracted... from the ugliness... of the past hour... by something beautiful... like the gorgeous flowering bushes... in the garden... down below... and wanting to explore it... I had abruptly stood up...

And thanking Xenia... for her fascinating lesson in "make-up"... and brushing of my hair... promising... once again... to keep her secret forever... I had gone to the window... and opening it... wanting to breathe in the fragrance... of the profusion of flowering bushes... glancing down into the lovely garden outside... was startled into another shocking sight...!

And as I gazed down... at what I could hardly believe... I was looking at... a towering rage... began to fill my being... such as I had never... ever experienced before... in my life...!

This was simply too much... the last straw... for my sensitive young seven year old self to handle... first Papa shocking me yesterday... then Xenia just now... and now this unbelievable... incredible thing...!

And without saying anything to Xenia... about the shocking sight... my disbelieving eyes were beholding... without thinking... seething... and trembling with outrage... I had raced out of her room... flying down the stairs... in my bare feet... and out into the garden... with no regard for my own safety... but simply determined... to deal with the insulting situation... in person...!

Chapter 3
My Second Violent Encounter... This Time With An Insolent... Lewd... Naked From The Waist Down... Handsome Young "Daiku-san..."!

("Daiku" is the Japanese term for carpenter... who is usually seen around construction sites... for the purpose of hammering... and nailing... the little wood and paper... match stick "uchis" (houses) together...)

What my disbelieving eyes had looked down at... shocking me down to my toes... was the sight of an unusually handsome young "Daiku-san"... who... noticing me... had stepped back... showing that he was naked from the waist down... with his soseiji" sticking out... and his baggy trousers... pushed down around his ankles...!

He was grinning up at me... leering suggestively... vulgarly thrusting his hips out at me... while he beckoned me... to come down and join him...!

Standing just outside the garden gate... he was easily recognizable... because of the typical... traditional clothing... he was wearing...: a hip length... loose jacket... made of dark blue cotton... called a "happi"... with white Nipponese character lettering... down both sides... of his coat... to indicate... what his profession was...

And I saw... that he was wearing getas... which indicated... that he was on free time...!

Standing there... insolently... with his hands on his hips... with his sleeves rolled up... I could see that he was proudly showing off... his well developed... bulging muscles...

Instantly... I remembered how frightened... I had first become... the "Daiku-san"... reminding me of my narrow escape... from being kidnapped by one of them... when I was barely four... just after a brand new Amah... a pretty young woman... for a change... called Suzuki... who came from the city of Kobe... and not from the village nearby... like all the others... came into my life... influencing it greatly... during only the one year... that she was in it...!

That was the time... when I first heard the Heavenly Voice... of my Guardian Angel... Sent down to me... from Heaven... by my Heavenly Father... to Help me escape...!

"Remember how you stood there... in the middle of the narrow village road... petrified... with the confident "Daiku-san" ... grinning down at you... from his huge height... with his bulging arms... and legs... outstretched... barring your way home...?

And there was a big cart next to him... which you knew he was going to carry you away in... to be sold... to the thriving Oriental Sex Slave Market... that your succession of village Amahs... were always warning you about...!?

And as your four year old little self stood there... frightened out of your wits... rooted to the spot... as if turned to stone... for the very first time in your life... that you could remember... you suddenly heard a Voice... Speaking in your right ear...!

And what the Calm Voice... full of Reassurance Said... Was...:

"Dash Between His Legs...!"

And you had instantly obeyed the Voice... knowing instinctively... that it came from Heaven...!

And suddenly feeling an enormous Power... Rippling throughout your whole being... Permeating it... and Down Into your limbs... before you knew it... you were running like the wind... on your already long legs... and you had streaked through a very surprised "Daiku-san's" outstretched legs... making your escape home... to safety...!"

Recalling that terrifying experience... three years earlier... I had seethed with righteous indignation... disgusted... and enraged... that he had dared to insult me so lewdly... me a proper little lady... through and through... and not only a lady... but a special daughter of God... and all I had wanted to do... was to rush downstairs... and knock him down...

Even though it was true... that I had actually only experienced... living on this planet... for a little over seven years... too many painful shocks... had already filled my short life...!

And now today... it just so happened... that the enormity... of the past two days of shocks... first Papa... yesterday... with his insistence... that an extra half hour be added... to our exercises... now that I was a year older... and now the shock of discovering Xenia's duplicity... immediately followed by the shock of seeing the lewd "Daiku-san"... one after another... was just simply too much... for my young... tender... sensitive self... to bear...

And now... seeing the vulgar... brash young man... naked from the waist down... was the proverbial straw... that broke my camel's back...!

(Remember that when I wrote this... some twenty-three years ago... I had no memory... whatsoever... of my babyhood sexual abuse... at the hands of frightening... muscular men... just like him... as explained in the following Chapters...)

The sight of "soseijis"... was nothing new to me... for I had already seen many of them... when Papa took me with him to the Yuya... when I was little... and we happily splashed about... stark naked... in the different pools of water... together with other stark naked... Nipponese fathers and mothers... with their adorable little children...

And when I... becoming very curious... about the long things... hanging down between the men's legs... asked my adored Papa about them... he had enlightened me... by explaining to me... that they were called "soseiji" (sausage)...!

(Incidentally... it is a curious fact... that there is no Japanese word... for the penis... neither for the vagina... in any dictionary...!)

Chapter 4
Karate... And Judo Champion Papa's Strict Discipline... Of Daily Vigorous Physical Exercises... Ever Since I Was A Tot...!

Because only just yesterday... at three a.m. sharp... as was Papa's usual custom... ever since I could remember... at about three years old... he had abruptly yanked me out of bed... waking me from a deep sleep... and forced me... barely awake... to get dressed in my special new sports outfit... of a blouse and shorts... he had just bought for me...!

And just like all those other times... he expected me to join him... in yet another of his makeshift gyms... up in the attic... and vigorously work out with him... for an hour... in all kinds of strenuous physical exercises... including hefting the bigger... heavier dumbbells... a second set... he had also had specially made for me... the first designer small set... used when I was three to five... now too small for me... as I kept growing... and growing...

If I had harbored any secret hopes... that things would be different... after my parents' recent divorce... when it was arranged between them... that I spend some school holiday time with Papa... and his new bride Xenia... in their new house... I was very much mistaken...

Because... except for this morning dawn... nothing had changed... as far as his rigorous... physical discipline for me... was concerned - Papa was still adhering strictly... to his gymnastic regimen for me... still insisting... on all-round physical fitness... for both of us together...

In fact... yesterday morning... immediately following the usual hour of push-ups... sit-ups... bending... stretching... and skipping rope... workout session... and climbing up and down... over and over... the rough hemp rope... he had installed... hanging down from a cross beam... across the attic ceiling... his strict rules had not changed... by one iota...!

For there was still no respite to speak of... whatsoever... afterwards - not so much as a glass of water... or anything to eat... not until after we had first climbed up and down... the "yama"... behind his house...!

And he had stunned me down to my aching toes... by abruptly announcing... that now that I was seven years old... we would be exercising... a half hour extra... every morning... and that from now on... with each birthday... another half hour of exercise... would be added... whenever I visited him and Xenia...!

All my pleas of exhaustion... had fallen on deaf ears... and when I had complained... that my bare thighs... had become chafed and sore... from repeatedly climbing up and down the coarse hemp rope... he scolded me for being such a cry baby... saying that I needed to toughen up...!

And he told me... that I would be very grateful to him one day... when I became a famous world class athletic champion... and how I would thank him... for having been so strictly regimental... in training me... to grow up to become a healthy... physically strong girl...

As soon as the extra half hour was up... ignoring my feeble groans of protest... Papa had heartily announced that... as usual... we would be taking our early-morning-before-breakfast-walk... hiking briskly together... up the yama... that rose up behind his house... so that we could watch the spectacular sunrise... together... just like we used to...!

And as exhausted as I was... despite the trembling of my knees... despite my long legs... threatening to give way... any second... I knew I had no other option... but to obey him...

And in desperation... I had done the only thing I could... I had turned myself inward... to my Heavenly Father... for His Comfort... and His Help...

I desperately wanted to find favor... in my adored Papa's eyes... and hated to see that familiar look of disappointment in them...

So... heaving a great sigh of determination... firmly believing... that God Would Not Let me down... I stoutheartedly resigned myself... to trudge up a new... unfamiliar yama... with my loved/feared Papa... which on this particular dawning of daylight... seemed to loom up... ever so much larger... and higher... than the one we had climbed up and down before...!

Somehow... convinced that It Could Only Be By The Grace Of God Alone... I had always managed... to keep up with my father... my throat always painfully parched... my stretched lungs... threatening to burst... any second... and that memorable morning... had been no different...

When... at long merciful last... we finally reached the summit of the yama... with me panting like a dog... and my parched tongue hanging out... my legs suddenly gave way...

And I very gratefully collapsed... onto the soft... dewy grass... with a silent prayer of thanks... to my Heavenly Father... All I wanted... was to just die there... lying on the blissfully welcoming... cool... cool carpet of green... in the semi-dark...

I was so exhausted... after that extra half hour of rigorous exercise... that even the spectacular sunrise... which usually thrilled me to the core... filling me with awe... and wonder... at the Magnificence... of my Heavenly Father’s Creation... for once... failed to thrill me... that extra grueling morning...

Expecting to hear Papa's scornful voice... scolding me... his scathing words of disgust... raining down upon my aching body... any moment... chastizing me for being so weak... I lay there... cringing... waiting for Papa's angry... verbal onslaught... not daring to look up at him...

But to my utter amazement... he let out a whoop... pleased as punch...! And grinning broadly... told me how proud he was of me...! So pleased... in fact... that even though I was now too big... and too old... to ride up on his shoulders anymore... as a reward... this time... he would carry me all the way down the mountainside... piggy-back...!

As usual... after the strenuous dawn exercise ritual was over... I was always expected to gorge myself... on a hearty breakfast of porridge... with milk and sugar... two soft-boiled eggs... toast with butter and jam... and a huge... ice-cold glass of milk...

Since I seemed to be growing so fast... and was always ravenous... this first meal of the day... was one I always heartily relished... and which... Miraculously... always quickly restored my energy... full tilt... all aches and pains gone...!

Our pre dawn exercise rituals... always started out well... with me enjoying them very much... but the more Papa took me past my comfortable stride... the more of a dreaded ordeal they became...

And the only joyous relief... would be watching the pinkish orb of the sun... peeking up over the horizon... in the distance... for a while... followed by the thrill... when my adored Papa... would carry a delighted me... crowing... sitting high up... on his shoulders... for our way home... down the steep mountainside...

And yesterday morning's session... after a break of a year... when I had become a permanent boarder... at the ISY... had been no different... from the other dreaded early morning travails... only much worse... because of that added thirty minutes... which seemed to drag on and on... seeming to drain away... the very last ounce... of my strength... as I imagined the ever so slow ticking... of Papa's stopwatch...

But it had been a pleasant ending... when Papa carried an exhausted me... piggy-back... on our descent...

And I had no inkling... whatsoever... that that short school break... holiday time... with Papa and Xenia... was to be the very last... of our pre-dawn... vigorous physical exercises... together... in his attic gym...!

And that I would never become the world class athletic champion... that Papa had always had his heart set on... ever since he saw me... for the first time... at a few months old... lying in my opulent bassinet... in the Turin palazzo... and noticed my already exceptionally long body... arms and legs...

Because when I was in my eighth year... I suddenly developed a strange... debilitating heart condition... which had no name... no medical term... at the time...!

And I remember vividly... the very day it happened... because it occurred... on the Fourth of July... the American Day of Independence... in 1938... when I collapsed... right after barely winning... a relay race... at the Yokohama Country & Athletic Club...!

The full story... of that incredible... never to be forgotten Day... which suddenly changed the course of my life... and so abruptly... is fully told below... in detail... under Chapter 13...

Chapter 5
This Greatly Outraged... Seven Year Old Soul... Fearlessly Attacks... The Vulgar... Muscular... Naked From The Waist Down...Young And Handsome "Daiku-san"...!

Feeling trapped... on the scary Chinese junk... and desperate to distract myself... I found myself recalling... the totally unexpected shock... that Xenia's gruesome... "naked" face had given me... making me painfully aware... that soon after she had come into my life... as my new Auntie Xenia... every time I had gazed upon the loveliness of her face... I was actually being deceived... not seeing a really true representation... of her image... but being cleverly fooled... by her false "Mask of Beauty"...!

And right afterwards... there had been the huge shock... of seeing the low-down... dirty "Daiku-san"... exposing himself so disgustingly... leering up at me... just at the moment... when I had digested... rationalized... understood and accepted... Xenia's awful... deceptive... tragic truth...!

And... of course... on top of all the above... having to bear the constant... empty aching void... that the loss of my adored mother... had left inside me... which never seemed to diminish... by the slightest degree... often making me wonder... what terrible Karmic debt... I had reaped... to have my precious Mummie... Taken away from me... when I was only six years old...!

And I would cry myself to sleep... at night... in my loneliness... and unbearable... aching longing for her...

"And all of a sudden... because of all the foregoing... and more... in a single morning... at the tender age of about seven... added to all the other... shocking experiences... one after another... during your as yet short life... something deep inside you... "Had Cracked" ! And you could Feel... the enormous Agony of it...!

And you had rushed out of Xenia's room... and raced downstairs... without letting her know... about the disgusting spectacle... you had just seen... intent in your heart... to at least give the odiously evil "Daiku-san"... a thorough tongue-lashing... with lots of effective Japanese swear words thrown in...!

And the closer you got to the gate... where he was still insolently standing... naked from the waist down... with the well-developed muscles of his arms... rippling... and with his "soseiji"... rudely sticking out... and grinning down at you... a towering righteous rage... had filled your entire being...

And at the same time... that particular Superhuman Strength... that an Angel of God... Had Given you... to Help you escape... from being kidnapped... for the first time... when you were about four... Vibrated Powerfully... throughout your whole body...!

And you had made... a Giant Leap... towards the vulgar young man... taking the wind out of his sails... to see a little slip of a girl... come Flying through the air towards him... which instantly made him lose his erection...!

And you began attacking him ferociously... paying him back... for all the terrifying... sexual abuses... you had been helplessly subjected to... as a baby girl... by him... and his kind... when your succession of village Amahs... would sell you to them... to be “inspected”... and fondled... and expertly slashed at... by their glittering sharp knives... in the back rooms. . . of the little village shops...!"

(The reader should know... that at the original time... of writing this part of my book... I had no memory of the horrendous sexual abuse... perpetrated on my helpless little body... for all the terrifying ordeals of them... lasting for about two years... had been Mercifully Erased from me... by my Heavenly Father... that very morning...!

But now... in reediting... this chapter... in 2009... I can write about those helpless... degrading experiences... for the memory of them... was painfully restored to me... with the help of my Beloved soul mate... Richard... during his Visitations... fully detailed... under “Heavenly Visitations...”

Commanded by Almighty God... to write about... the disgusting details... in all honesty... even the parts... where their fondling of my baby body... was quite pleasurable at times... as my nerve endings were stimulated... by their nibbling and tickling tongues... I once again... humbly ask forgiveness... should their coarse... quite graphic descriptions... be too offensive... to my readers...)

"And with the Power of God... Rippling throughout your whole body... you beat that insulting young "Daiku-san"... so severely... at first... aiming a good... hefty Karate kick... between his muscular naked legs... as Papa had taught you... then rapidly pummeling... and scratching... at the rest of him... even knocking one of his front teeth out... all the while you rained curses... down upon his arrogant head...!

When your Righteous Rage... had finally Exhausted itself... Ending as Abruptly... As It Had Begun... thoroughly defeated... howling in pain... holding his precious... injured "soseiji"... in his hands... he had hobbled off awkwardly... with his baggy trousers... still down around his ankles...!

And the most curious thing was... that although you attacked him... with your bare hands... and bare feet... you felt no pain... whatsoever... in them... neither during... nor after your ferocious attack... upon his well developed... muscular body...!

Chapter 6
The Most Incredible... Miraculous Blessing... Deliverance... And Divine Revelation... Of My Seven Year Old Life... When My Beloved Heavenly Father... First Removes All Memory... Of My Helpless... Shameful... Babyhood Sexual Abuse... From Me... And Then Shows Me... His Wondrous Creation... As Seen Through His Perfect Eyes...!!

And as I lay back... against the canvas sack... very frightened... in the scary pitch dark... of what I was now calling... the "Hellhole of China"... on the stinking junk... expecting any second... to be discovered... by the dreaded keisatsu (police)... because we seemed to be still docked... in the harbor of Nagasaki... I was desperate... to distract myself...

Yes... I remembered that Incredible Day... as if It Was Etched... in my very soul... because something uniquely Extraordinary... Had Taken Place... just as I turned... to go back inside the house... feeling very pleased with myself... at how well I had dealt... with the insolent young "Daiku-san" ... easily defeating him... despite his powerful physique...!

Standing in the bright morning sunshine... in my bare feet... with my crowning glory... gloriously loose... and being gently caressed... by the cool breezes... I had suddenly Felt A Great Sense... Of Something Very Odd... Rising Up In My Chest...!

Totally overcome... by the Strange... Unfamiliar Sensation... I had stopped dead in my tracks... on the winding pebbled footpath...!

And as I stood there... in my bare feet... stock still... surrounded by flowering bushes... and shrubs... of a profusion of colors... the delicate scent of the bloom of nature... bursting forth... in all her glory... around me... It Was As If I Had An Overwhelming Sense... That Time Had Come... To A Strange Kind Of Standstill...!

And then... It Was As If Something Very Large... And "Knowing" ... Filled Up My Chest... And It Was Very Painful... And Welling Up... Filled My Whole Body... Vibrating It...! And The Strange Sensation... Was Accompanied... By A Terrible Feeling... Of Almost Unbearable Anguish...!

And Then... as I stood there... My Arms Were Made To Rise Up... And My Mouth Was Made To Open... And... As If From The Very Depths Of My Soul... Came The Sound Of My Own Voice... But Not As That Of A Little Girl of Seven... But As That Of A Fully Mature... Grown Up Woman...!

And First Looking Up Longingly... To My True Home... Heaven... Then Closing My Eyes... My Mature Voice... Had Cried Out...:

“Oh God... My Merciful... Beloved Heavenly Father... My Soul Is In Such An Agony... Of Shame... And Despair... And Turmoil...!

And This Humble Daughter Of Yours... Beseeches You... To Please Let Her Return To You... Right Now... To Her True Home In Heaven...!”

And As My Imploring Voice... Echoed Into The Atmosphere... The Air All Around me... Had Become Very Still...!

And I Waited... And Waited... for My Heavenly Father's Reply...

And when the Very Still Quietness Continued... after the Longest Time... I found myself Saying...:

“And If I Am Not Allowed... To Return To You... Right Now... Then Please Let This Lifetime... Be The Very Last... Of My Many Reincarnations... Upon This Planet Earth...!”

And when there still was No Heavenly Reply... but only the Great Silence... filled with unbearable sadness... I humbly continued...:

“And Let Me Endure... Whatever I Must... To Be Cleansed... And Purified... Of All Sins... Incurred In Past Lives... In This... My Very Last Lifetime... On Earth... That I May Never Again... Have To Return To This World... Which Is Indeed Fraught... With So Much Evil...!”

As my adult voice died away... it seemed as if I was willing to stand there... in the beautiful garden... surrounded by God's Magnificent Creation of Nature... for all Eternity... For I was utterly convinced... that if I moved... even just a fraction... I would miss hearing God's Reply... to my fervent prayer...!

After the longest time... it seemed... I began to experience... a Deep Inner Awareness... of Accepting Affirmation... deep within my soul...!

And then my eyes... Were Made To Open... And Still Looking Up Towards Heaven... my Newly Awakened Eyes... beheld a Diaphanous... Beautiful... Multi-Colored Parasol... Of Delicate Pastel Hues... Come Floating Gently Down... Hovering just above my head...!

And I felt a Tremendous Upsurge... of the Most Unutterably Blissful JOY... Spreading... Throughout My Entire Being... Permeating... and Engulfing... Every Single Part Of My Body... From The Very Top Of My Head... Down To The Ends Of My Tingling Bare Toes...

And I Felt The Warm Glow... Of My Heavenly Father's Divine Love... Washing Over Me... Gently Enveloping Me... From The Very Tips... Of My Bare Toes... To The Very Tips... Of My Long Fingers... And Throughout Every Brain Cell... In My Head... Even To The Very Ends... Of My Long Golden Tresses... That He Had Blessed Me With...!

And feeling very humbled... I lowered my arms... and bowed my head... closing my eyes again... and "knew"... deep inside me... that... from that very moment on... that this lifetime... was to be my very last... on this planet earth...!

I "knew" also... that I would have to be very self-critical... and self-observant... watching over my own actions... and the words that I spoke... even more carefully... than ever before... from then on...!

While all these Grave... Serious Realizations... Kept Flooding... Throughout my entire being... They Were Accompanied... by a Very Wide Sense... that Standing under the Protective... Beautiful... Delicate Parasol... was a Divine Sign... for me... of God’s Holy Grace... Making me feel Overwhelmed... and Greatly Blessed... by my Beloved Creator... as I Blissfully stood there... under the Gossamer Canopy... Blissfully Basking... in His Gentle... Everlasting... All-Encompassing... Merciful Love...

I could Sense... Almighty God's Infinite Approval of me... and my boundless love for Him... feeling... as never before... that I was indeed... a cherished daughter of His...

And this is an Inner Feeling... that Has Accompanied me... throughout all the years... the days... hours... minutes... and seconds... of my life... even unto this very day... as I re-edit this work... for the very last time... on the special day of April 20th... 2009... being my seventy-ninth birthday... in my 79th year... of living on this planet earth... sitting at my computer... in my wheelchair... squinting at the screen... with only the use of my left eye... since my right eye... has been virtually useless... for over these past sixteen years or so...!

And without knowing it... my Loving Heavenly Father... Had also Mercifully Removed from me... all memory... of my terrifying... helpless... two years... of babyhood sexual abuse... the shame of which... I had been living with... like a heavy weight inside me... ever since I was little...!

I have always felt His Loving Approval... inside me... except for those devastatingly soul-searing times... when I Have Been Made... by the All-Wise Will of God... to Periodically Experience... what has come to be termed... "The Dark Night of the Soul"...!

During those horrendously soul-taxing times... the usual Inner awareness... of the Loving Presence... of the Powerful Life Force... of Almighty God... Gently Flowing... Throughout my being... Making me feel blissfully serene... and in harmony... with my universe... Is Suddenly Taken Away... for a while...!

And I have come to realize... that those agonizing Times... are to Show me... how devastating it can be for me... to breathe... to function... in short... to live... nay... even to just exist... without God's Great Holy Life Force... Gently Vibrating... within my very being... When the Holy Grace... of His Infinite Spirit... Perfectly Guiding... and Directing... my every thought... and action... is Absent... how utterly and thoroughly different... and meaningless... as if dead... my usually vibrant life can be... making me feel indescribably worthless... and bereft...

For the rest of that Holy... Momentous Day... as once again... my Beloved Heavenly Father... Miraculously Restored me... into being a seven year old little girl... again... I looked around me... in breathless awe...

Noticing how everything... around me... seemed to be Magnified... a Hundred-fold... in Significance...!

And in my God-Given... Heightened Awareness... from the Brightness... of the Spectrum of Colors... of the Rainbow... in each Blade of Grass... each Petal... of each Delicate Flower... to the myriad textures of Flora... and Fauna... everywhere... the Majestic Trees... and every Leaf thereon... it was as if I was Beholding... all of God's Wondrous Creation... through a Special Magnifying Glass... On Loan to me... that Glorious Day... by my Merciful... and Loving... Beloved Heavenly Father...!

And as I gazed... at all of Almighty God's Magnificent Beauty... surrounding me... with the Air So Still... and so Calm... and so Peaceful... it was as if I could even hear the Flowers... Softly Singing to me... as if honoring me...!

And even the stately Trees... seemed to be Bending Down towards me... in respectful homage... “recognizing” me... as Being Specially Favored... by their Creator...!

And even the darling... chirping Birds... in the sky - “God's Little Playmates”... being the title of a poem... I had recently written about them... describing their singing their unique Praises... to their Creator on High... Looked Brighter... and seemed more Real... to my Miraculously Altered Eyesight...!

It was as if I was really “Seeing” the Trees... Bushes... Flowers... and Birds... and even a cute... Friendly Little Rabbit... who came right up to me... unafraid... and nuzzled my hand... with its soft nose... as I stood on the soft green Grass... beneath my bare feet... for the very first time...!

And then... as my seven year old soul marvelled... full of awe and wonder... at my Heavenly Father’s Holy... Magnificent Creation... all around me... it seemed as if my feet... Were Being Lifted Off the Grass...!

And then I was Floating On Air... Feeling as Light As A Feather... and I felt that I Had Been Given Some Kind of Special Grace... not only to See Things... As They Really Are... on Earth... But A Taste Of My Heavenly... Blissful Afterlife... as well...!

At the same time... as the hours... of my incredibly Blessed Day... wore on... every time I Was Lifted Off the Grass... I began to Experience... more and more... a Sense of my soul... Expanding... Stretching... and Widening... to contain whatever it was... that God... in His Infinite... Loving Wisdom... and Mercy... Was Gradually Putting inside me... Divinely Endowing me... with what I needed... to “endure whatever I must...!” ... in this... my very last incarnation... on His Magnificent Earth...!

But on this particular... Magical Day... and from then on... for every dawning day thereafter... the spontaneous rush of love... for God's Divine Handiwork... flooding my being... was far greater... than it had ever been before...!

And I had the beginnings of understanding... of how one's Inner feelings... can be stretched wider... and grow deeper... one's soul actually experiencing... the wonderful Awareness... of being at one with nature...!

And as I felt the Strange... Enlarging Sensation... deep down inside me... I "knew"... that I would have to endure much... during this very last earthly lifetime... to atone for all the sins... of past incarnations... not only of mine... but those of my ancestors... as well...!

And I could feel... deep within my being... a very real... Inner connection to them...!

(It is a curious fact... that at the age of seven... the only real blood connection I had... was with my mother... for I knew no real aunts or uncles... no cousins... no nephews or nieces... and neither any grandparents...!

Furthermore... at the age of seven... I had no conscious knowledge... that Papa Rau... was not my real father... and that therefore... Prima and Remo... were not my real sister and brother...!

Neither did I have any conscious knowledge... that mine was a heritage of shameful nobility... and that in their positions of authority... bringing with them power... and wealth... many of my so-called noble ancestors... on my French/Italian Countess mother's side... had taken unfair advantage... of the people... entrusted to their care... subjecting them to cruel abuse... by cheating... and clever deception... and even murder... in their rabid greed... to attain more wealth... more power...!)

Inwardly Feeling this unexpected blood-tie... to my grossly sinful ancestors... and the enormity... of the Spiritual Burden... that was mine to endure... the debt of atonement... of the indisputable... “Divine Law of Cause and Effect"... I "knew" also... that I would survive the ordeals... on my Weighted Karmic Plate... somehow... even if only by the skin of my teeth...!

Chapter 7
Kidnapped Yet Again...! That Very Same Night... And By The Very Same... Handsome Young "Daiku-san"... I Had So Viciously Attacked... That Very Morning...!

Sitting on the slimy hard floor... in the stinking pitch dark... of the "Hell Hole of China"... my mind went back... to that soul-searing Miraculous Day... in 1937... when my Inner Awareness... Was So Greatly Heightened... by my Beloved Heavenly Father... at the same time... wondering why I could not feel any of it now... not even a smidgen...! And my usual Inner Awareness... of the Presence of God inside me... was totally absent... also...!

Not wanting to dwell upon what that really meant... and not knowing anything... at that time... about the "dark night of the soul"... I recalled how... on that very night... I was actually kidnapped... for the second time... in my short life... whisked away... to the very mountain top... that Papa and I had just arduously climbed... the previous morning...!

It all seemed like a vague dream afterwards... because of the very fact that... when I went to bed that night... I was still feeling Extremely Mellow... as if Wrapped... in a Very Pleasant Cocoon... floating on Cloud Nine...

In fact... my jaws were aching... because I had not been able to stop smiling... since my wonderful "Spiritual Awakening"... that Incredible Morning... Feeling Euphoric... and Beatific... for the rest of that Exceptionally Glorious Day... and into the soft... gently enfolding hours... of the night...

All throughout the daylight hours... my heart and soul... had been Overflowing... with Tender Feelings of Love... for everything... and everybody... around me... much more than ever before... and even Xenia's irritating... petulant... whining voice... did not annoy me... as it usually did...!

In the past... ever since I was very little... whenever my baby eyes... had alighted on a delicate flower... in the garden... or on a lovely flowering bush... or stately tree... or even a bird... (to my mind God's special little Playmates)... each one distinctive... and no two alike... I would feel a rush of love... flooding my entire being... for whatever I happened to be gazing fondly at...

And I would find myself cooing lovingly... talking... and singing aloud... to them all... at the same time... feeling my deep... eternal love for God... my Heavenly Father... deep inside me...

And as I lovingly gazed all around me... I would be filled... with an overwhelming sense of awe... at the Magnitude... of the Divine Perfection... of His Wondrous Creation...

In fact... from the very first moment... that I heard His Holy Name mentioned... by another human being - overhearing my mother... talking to my sister Prima... when I was about five... at the time - something deep inside me... had "responded" ... with a conscious "knowing" feeling... of boundless... unconditional love for Him...

And it was quite a pleasant... reassuring sensation... to realize... that I was no longer alone... in my awareness of Him... this familiar Inner Contact... with my Creator... which had Filled my Inner being... privately... ever since I could remember...!

I remember falling asleep that night... still with that Wonderful... Blissful Feeling... Deep Inside me... thanking my Heavenly Father... over and over... for the Divine Wondrous Gift... and Blessing... and the Great Revelation... He Had Bestowed upon me... that Magical Day...

At the same time... telling Him... how affectionately proud I was... of my adored Papa... that he had deliberately foregone... our usual early morning exercises... that morning... in the hope that his beloved Xenia and I... would bond with each other... although he harrumphed at breakfast... that he had overslept...!

And my head seeming to sink deliciously... right into my pillow... in my very own bed... in my very own lovely bedroom... a first for me... in my parents' light and airy... beautiful new... two storey house... I looked forward... to yet another nocturnal visit... to my true home... Heaven...

But then I was suddenly startled awake... with a jolt... and instantly alert... found... to my amazement... that I was sitting on the grass...! And not only sitting on a soft carpet of green... but that my body was propped up against something hard and unyielding...!

Shooting into my brain... came two realizations...:

I was somewhere high up... outdoors... for I felt the familiar chill of a mountain breeze... and it must be nighttime... because it was pitch black... directly in front of my eyes...!

Puzzled... I glanced around me... feeling somewhat disoriented... and noticed... at a little distance... away to my right... a small bonfire... around which I could vaguely distinguish... three or four men... crouched down on their haunches... They were gesticulating... talking to each other loudly... in gruff... guttural Kata-Kana... the language of the common people...

And as I sat there... becoming more and more non-plussed... before allowing fear... to overwhelm my dazed senses... I wondered groggily... whether I was dreaming... because I had no idea... how I had gotten up there... quite certain now... that I was sitting on a mountain top... for there was an odd feeling of familiarity... about my surroundings...!

Then I noticed the little clearing... where the little "chamise" (tea house) stood... deserted now... and the little "zushi" (shrine)... right next to it... where the Shinto believers... left their offerings of food... to pay homage to the "yama no genki" (mountain spirit) ... and to appease their anger... You could always find these "zushis"... on Japan's mountaintops... for the Japanese firmly believed... that "genkis" resided there... to protect all those... living down below...

Gazing at the lonely-looking little "chamise"... I fondly recalled the many times... where Papa and I... after climbing to the top... during one of our Sunday excursions... had sipped refreshing cups of "midori no cha" (green tea)... sitting outside on the wide "barukonii" (balcony)... with its beautifully sculptured "rankan" (balustrade)... of bright "makkana" (crimson)... and its gaily fluttering... "kami no chochin" (paper lanterns)... strung up above our grateful heads...

Then all of a sudden... it flashed through my mind... that I was actually sitting... on the very same grass... that I had plunked down my exhausted body upon... at the summit of the very same mountain... that Papa and I had arduously climbed... only yesterday morning...!

And as I realized this astounding fact... marvelling... all of a sudden... it seemed as if I instinctively "knew"... exactly what I was supposed to do...!

And for the very first time... in this lifetime... I Felt an Inner Prompting... to make my whole body feel still... empty my head... of all disquieting thoughts... and my heart... of all feelings of fear... and anxiety...!

Then turning my Awareness Inward... I found myself... quietly asking towards my Inner self... in a very sincere... reverend tone of voice...:

"Am I in mortal danger...?!"

And lo and behold... I heard a Quiet Answer Come... from deep inside me... Reassuringly Saying...:

"No... You Are Not In Mortal Danger..."!

And then I once again... for the second time in my life... Heard the Heavenly Voice... of my Guardian Angel...!

And what He Gently Whispered... in my right ear... which became His usual Way... of Communicating with me... was...:

"You Have Been Kidnapped... Yet Again...!"

Hearing His Calm... Reassuring Voice... made me suddenly feel... as if I could face anything... and anyone... no matter how big... or how menacing... and there was not a shred of fear inside me...!

I suppose that I could have made a run for it... then and there... because my body was not helplessly bound... as it had been... when some Chinese thugs... had kidnapped me... on the day before my fifth birthday...!

But now... obviously somehow kidnapped... to the mountain top... something inside me... wanted the confrontation... with these uncouth thugs... something inside me... demanded to have my courage tested...!

I knew that my present height... of almost five feet four inches... had probably automatically given them the impression... that I was about ten or twelve - certainly not barely seven years old...!

So I waited... to see what would happen... greatly reassured by the comforting Presence... of the Ethereal Being... I was now calling my Guardian Angel Friend... Who let me behold Him... once again... in all His Golden White Purity of Splendor...!

The first time... I was made aware of Him... was when I was about four and a bit... and heard His Calm... Reassuring Voice... Advising me... in my right ear... to "Dash Between His Legs!"... (the legs of my would-be "Daiku-san" kidnapper!)

But when I was actually kidnapped... for the first time... some eight months later... on the day before my fifth birthday... by some Chinese thugs... my Guardian Angel... Having Been Sent down from Heaven... by my Heavenly Father... to Rescue me... Had let me Behold Him... in all His Glorious Splendor of White and Gold... as He freed me from my bonds... and Gathered me up into His Great Snowy White Wings... and Flew me back... to the safety of my house...!

And now... on this night of my second kidnapping... I suddenly noticed... that I was not alone... and that there were three other children there... beside me... sitting propped up against the tree next to mine...!

And then I noticed... with a prick of alarm... that unlike my own unfettered body... theirs were hampered... by having their hands tied behind their backs... their ankles bound... and their mouths gagged...!

And as I looked closer at them... I saw by the pale light of the fire... that they were beautiful Eurasians... a handsome... angelic looking boy... and two exquisitely beautiful girls... averaging about nine to eleven years old...

I already knew... about the very lucrative... Oriental Sex Slave Trade... throughout the Far East... and in Japan particularly... where there were many Eurasians... and other people... of mixed races... inhabiting the larger cities...

The daily newspapers... were always full of reports of missing children... mostly Eurasian... because so many of them... were so unique... the girls exquisitely beautiful... and the boys very handsome... and there were even an occasional Caucasian or two...!

Just before my first narrow escape... from almost being kidnapped... by a lowly "Daiku-san"... with the Help of my Guardian Angel... my new adorable Amah Suzuki... from the city of Kobe... whom I had instantly lost my heart to... and who always tenderly treated me... like her precious "chiisai ningyo" (little doll)... had also told me... all about the slave trafficking... warning me to be on the look-out for the dangers... lurking around every corner... of the city streets...

And like all the succession... of village Amahs before her... she would tell me how dangerous it was... even in the villages... and to protect myself... from becoming easy prey... to the skulking predators... looking for the one vulnerable victim... to pounce upon... and whisk away... never to be seen again... by her family...!

I already knew that young... white-skinned... fair-haired... blue or green-eyed Caucasians... fetched the highest prices... in the Sex Slave Market... and that they were much sought after... by wealthy Orientals... and Chinese mandarins... and for the better-class brothels of Shanghai... Singapore... Macao and Hong Kong...

Next highest were the Eurasians... many of the girls... from a very early age on... exquisitely beautiful... the boys... likewise... exceptionally handsome...

But of course... at that young age... I had no real understanding... of what the word "sex" really meant... simply believing... that "Sex Slave Market"... simply described the gender of sex... male and female...

Not daring to move... I watched the louts... recognizing from their particular... familiar dark blue "happi" outfits... and crude manner... that they were indeed... low-class "Daiku-sans"...!

Not daring to take my eyes off them... I wondered... in amazement... why I had not been tied up and gagged... as well...!

And before I could give myself any logical explanation... with my gaze riveted to the fireside... my attention was drawn... as all four of the muscular ruffians... suddenly rose to their feet...

Their voices became loud and strident... and from what I could understand... they were arguing about "baishu suru hito no shohin...!" (tampering with the human merchandise...)

One of them kept insisting... that he had a score to settle... especially with the "wakai burondo no josei shojo" (young blonde girl)... and he would not be satisfied... until he wreaked his vengeance upon her...! No... he was not going to "ni oshiiru" (force his way) upon her... (whatever that meant) ... but he was going to rub her face... in his "kasu" (feces)... then force her to eat it...!

And just as he harshly barked out the word "kasu"... he turned his head abruptly... in my direction... and I instantly recognized the insolent... vulgar "Daiku-san"... from the morning before...!

And as my heart began to pound... with sudden trepidation... I could not help but notice... en passant... that he had unusually even white teeth... for a Nipponese... giving him quite a handsome... dashing appearance... but now spoiled... because I had knocked one of them out... that morning...!

At his insistent vehemence... his partners-in-crime... threw up their hands in resignation... saying that they were washing their hands... of the whole affair... and telling him to go ahead... and do what he wanted to do...

I saw him grinning... and rubbing his hands together... in anticipation of the abject indignity... he was going to subject me to... and to my amazement... instead of cowering in fear... as I watched his movements... I felt myself grow in stature... as I had that morning of Special... God Given Grace...!

And once again... feeling a sense of Righteous Outrage... my seven year old chest swelled up... full of determination... to confront this "bukakkona no akkan" (uncouth ruffian)... and whatever he had in mind for me...!

No sooner did I resolve... to stand my ground... when the young "Daiku-san"... started to swagger towards where I was still sitting... with his sleeves rolled up... once again... showing off his well developed... rippling muscles...

Keeping myself perfectly immobile... propped up against a large boulder... I thought it prudent... to pretend to be fast asleep...

I waited... sitting stock still... absolutely "certain"... deep inside me... that this "akkan"... would never get the better of me... not while my Guardian Angel Friend... Was Right There... Standing beside me... my heart full of utter faith... and trust... that no harm would befall me...

Then the "Daiku-san"... was standing right above my body... and just as he was about to bend down towards me... suddenly feeling an Enormous Tingling Strength... Coursing Throughout my whole body... I was Made to Leap up to my feet... and then... looking him straight in the eye... fearlessly... Made to Spit in his face...!

Dazed and disoriented... losing his balance... he reeled back... at my unexpected attack... letting out a guttural shout of surprised...:

"Arra!"

And before he could regain his composure... confident of having the upper hand... I began railing at him... in fluent Katakana Japanese... And with each hurled expletive... into his astonished face... the magnificent Force inside me... kept Shoving him backwards firmly... with both hands... at the same time rapidly uttering curses at him... with each God-Prompted Shove... derisively shouting..:

"Bakayaro...! Ghunshik-sho...!"

I was in my glorious element... heaping insults on him and his ancestors... with such conviction... and authority... giving him no opportunity... to regain his balance... that he finally toppled over onto the hard ground...!

And all the while... I Was Made to Poke him... in his muscular chest... I felt as if I had the Strength of Samson... in my arms...!

He looked around frantically... for his companions... but they were nowhere to be seen... Then I heard the sound of stentorian snoring... coming from the far side of the bonfire... and I grinned down triumphantly... at my now terrorized... helpless victim... totally in my power... lying sprawled at my feet...!

Roaring at him in a tone of outrage... I told him that if he ever dared to show his face... at my doorstep again... I would stick a Samurai sword... in his gut... committing "subuku" on him...!

Yelling... I jeeringly scolded him...:

"Wakaru-deska...?"

"Anakta-wa bukakkona no akkan desu... bakayaro desu...! Totemo warui desu... ne...?!"

Translation...: (Do you understand... you cursed dreg of humanity...? You are very vile... aren’t you...?)

"Hai hai!" (yes yes)

Now whimpering... he grovelled at my feet... cowering... bending way over... again and again... his head touching the ground... in traditional Japanese obeisance... pleading over and over... stuttering...:

"Go-go... men nasai... I I-jin-san... go-go... men nasai...!" (forgive me... foreign one... forgive me...)

Now that I had the "bukakkona no shikaku" (uncouth thug)... at my mercy... I was curious to know... how he had brought me up there... and gruffly demanded an answer from him... commanding him to obey... still appearing to be very angry... and disgusted with him... although I no longer felt that sense of Righteous Outrage...!

Stammering... shamefaced... he told me how he had easily shinned up the drainpipe... at the side of my house... in his tabi feet... leaving his "kutsus" (shoes) behind... then climbing up on to the roof... had looked into each window... until he had located my bedroom... then finding the window open... had swiftly stepped inside...!

Noticing that I was deep in sleep... he had simply picked me up... and silently gone down the staircase... and out the front door... holding me tightly to his chest...! It had been as simple as that...!

Then... carrying me on his back... putting his "kutsus" back on... he had climbed up the mountain... to meet up with his other cronies... who had already kidnapped the Eurasian boy and girls...!

Amazingly... always having been a very sound sleeper - probably off in Heaven... visiting - I had never woken up once... during all the time it had taken him... from picking me up... to depositing me up on the mountain top...!

Satisfied now... that I had the whole story... I admonished him sternly... one last time... then ordered him to untie the boy and girls... who were still lying bound and gagged... their eyes huge... with a mixture of fear... and amazement... at the scene before them... of the muscular... powerfully built "Daiku-san"... being thoroughly defeated... by the mere slip of a girl...!

The totally cowed young "Daiku-san"... quickly untied the children... and helped them to their feet... bowing and scraping... begging their forgiveness...:

"Go-men nasai... go-men nasai...!"

He was repeating the words over and over... completely transformed... into a cowering... servile supplicant...!

With one last warning to him... not to give chase... I addressed the Eurasian children... suggesting that they run away from there... as quickly as possible... before their other captors woke up...

They nodded their heads... smiling... then the boy said... with admiration... in his voice... that I had turned the "Daiku-san"... into a "furueru no kurage"! (quivering jellyfish...)

They wanted to thank me... but I waved them off with a hasty...:

"Sayonara... O-yasumi-nasai..." (Good-bye... sleep well...)

But as they scampered off... they called out...:

"Domo arigato... Sera-chan..."!

...leaving me very puzzled... over the fact that they knew my name...!

I waited until they had run safely past the still sleeping... loudly snoring men... heading for the footpath... that would take them down to the little Japanese village... nestled below... at the foot of the yama... in the opposite direction... to my way home... skirting past the now dying fire... as they fled from their kidnappers...

As they disappeared from view... I looked down with derision... at the still fawning "Daiku-san"... cowering at my feet... giving him a piercing look...

Then turning my back on him abruptly... I left the area... running down the mountainside... very grateful now... that all the twists and turns of it... were somewhat familiar to me... since I had already climbed the yama... with Papa... the previous morning...!

As I raced away... realizing that my Guardian Angel Friend... was no longer with me... I thought I heard the sound of running footsteps... and my heart lurched in my chest... suddenly very fearful... that I was about to be overtaken... but then realized... to my great relief.... that it was the sound of my own bare feet... pounding down the hard footpath of the mountain...!

Running like the proverbial wind... I glanced back periodically... imagining that I could hear thundering footsteps... racing after me... but it was still only the sound of my own flying feet... tearing down the steep mountainside... going as fast as I could...

There was no pursuit whatsoever... from the ruffians... and as I ran for my life... longing for the safety... of my own bedroom... aching to get under the warm soft covers... of my own bed... at the same time... marveling at my recent display of courage... I could hear the occasional beating of wings... whooshing around my head... then the loud hoot of a night owl... right in my ear... startling me... its furry body barely scraping my cheek... as it swooped low in flight...

I finally reached the foot of the yama... and slipped through the gate... But as I walked up the garden path... heading for the front door... I suddenly froze dead in my tracks...!

How on earth was I going to get back into the house... with the door obviously securely locked for the night...?!

Then I remembered about the "Daiku-san" telling me... that he had left the house by our front door... and prayed fervently... with my heart in my mouth... that it was still unlocked...

Stepping up to the door... keeping my fingers crossed... I pushed against it tentatively... and I could have shouted for joy... when I felt it give easily... opening up onto the dark hallway...

Breathing a sigh of relief... I tiptoed up the wide... winding staircase... very cautiously... praying all the while... that the winding steps... would not creak... so that Papa would become alarmed... and come out of his room... to investigate... It would never do... for him to catch me in the expensive silk pajamas... he had given me... and in my bare feet...

Since I was forbidden to go downstairs... after going to bed... (midnight snacks were strictly taboo)... I would have had a lot of explaining to do...

But Providence was on my side... and I reached my room safely... without disturbing my slumbering parents...

Now suddenly exhausted... from that night’s dangerous adventure... I barely had enough breath... to thank my Heavenly Father... for Sending one of His Heavenly Angels... yet again... to Help rescue me... and shyly thanked my dear Guardian Angel Friend... as well... before I fell asleep...

The sun brightly streaming in... through my bedroom window... woke me up... and as I lay... cozy and warm... under the covers... I mulled over the fact... that I was still in bed... and not having been wrenched out of it... pre-dawn... to exercise with Papa...!

And now that it was broad daylight... I found myself wondering... about the previous night's extraordinary events... and came to the conclusion... that the kidnapping episode... could never have happened... in reality... I must have dreamt it all...!

Contemplating the unlikelihood... that I actually would have been able to confront... and face down... a brawny... muscular laborer... and a grown-up adult... to boot... in real life... for a second time... made me all the more certain... that my so-called “kidnapping”... must have been nothing but a bad nightmare... which... albeit... had ended well...

Papa knocking on my door... urging me to get a move on... summoning me for our early morning exercises... claiming that it was not too late... to get in at least an hour... even though he had overslept... intruded on my thoughts... about the strange dream...

He was very disgruntled because... for once... he had really overslept... thus affording me a much needed extra hour of sleep... for which I smilingly thanked my Heavenly Father... and also my now Guardian Angel Friend... secretly... in my heart... knowing that They had caused Papa... to sleep late...!

Thoroughly convinced now... that it had all been a bad dream... I pushed back the covers... to get out of bed... hoping that I would be able to cope better this morning... than the other morning... with the extra half hour...

I inspected my long thighs... which did not seem to be too red... from the rough rope... and the swelling... had seemed to go down somewhat... although my long legs were aching slightly...

Then I happened to notice my feet... and with a jolt... saw that the soles of them... were inexplicably caked with dirt...! My head reeled with dizziness... my heart beginning to pound...

"Wait just a blessed minute..." ... I told myself... frantically trying to calm myself down... find a simple logical explanation... for my dirty feet...!

But then realized... that there wasn't any... because... before I had gone to bed last night... I had been squeaky clean... having taken my usual nightly bath... now in my very own bathroom... specially concentrating... on my dirty feet... from skipping... and Flying around the garden... barefoot... all that Magical Day...!

I had even shampooed my own hair... for the very first time... Xenia telling me... as she presented me with my very own... first bottle of shampoo... that I was now old enough... to wash my hair by myself...!

So I had been squeaky clean... from head to foot...

And I finally had to accept the fact that... as mind-boggling... as it seemed now... with the sun shining brightly into my room... bringing with it a sense of reality... what I had experienced the night before... had actually happened... had actually taken place...! And it had not been just a nightmare... after all...!!!

I never ever breathed a word... about that incredible... Magical Day... of Blessed Revelation... with my Beloved Heavenly Father... preceded by enormous shocks... and Night of being kidnapped... to a single solitary soul... mainly because I did not think that anyone would believe me... especially Papa... and now share those Miraculous Episodes... with my hopefully many dear... Blessed by God readers... for the very first time in my life... writing about it here...

Chapter 8
The Diverse Cruelties... Of My Authoritarian Patriarch... First With The Dreaded... Huge... Terrifying Dive Bomb "Aburamushis...”!

Leaning against the huge canvas sack... in what I was now calling "The Stinking Black Hell Hole of China".... l found myself thinking very dark thoughts... going back over the past... mostly hellish year and a half... of living in our "torture house"... on the Bluff... now that I was mercifully free... of being forced to live there...

If the weather was pleasant... I would be allowed to play... after homework and piano practice... for a little while... in our lovely garden... before dinner... and happily transformed out of my restricting school uniform... into one of my comfortable... expensive silk kimonos... embroidered with beautiful exotic flowers... and birds... usually bright red... or blue... to match my eyes... Papa would say... as he presented it to me... whenever he was exceptionally pleased... with his business...

And I would while away the pleasant twilight time... playing with one of my latest Christmas... or Cook-san and his wife Hana's presents...

One of my favorites... was a genuine Nipponese "oibane" (shuttlecock) - the bat ingeniously covered in rich material... painted on one side... with the raised embossed rendering... of a beautiful Geisha girl... elegantly dressed... in her colorful silk kimono... of red and gold... her exquisite... demurely cocked head... covered with real raven hair... elaborately coiffed... in the traditional Japanese Geisha hairstyle... complete with delicate... tinkling... silvery hair ornaments...!

But before bedtime... I had to undergo... the worst nightly ordeal imaginable... horrible hours... of such horrendous terror... that no sensitive girl... of a mere ten years of age... never mind that she was so tall... should ever have to go through... and which had been going on... for a long... long year... and two long... long months... before a Miracle from God... finally Delivered me... from the ghastly... nightly torture...:

Ever since the five of us... Papa... Xenia... Prima... Remo and I... began living together... for the very first time... and in the same house... as a family... when the ISY was forced to close down... in early 1940... because of the outbreak of war... and we three Rau children... could no longer be permanent boarders there...

It was the day after my tenth birthday... on April 10th... when the Rau children... were finally baptized... by dear Papa Bear Reverend Pott... at the ISY... being his very last religious rite... before he left Japan... for England...!

Papa Rau and his beloved Xenia... were resentful... that their years of care-free world traveling... combining business with pleasure - a never-ending... blissful... whirlwind honeymoon... to exotic... romantic faraway places - happily unencumbered... by two teenagers... and one awkward... pre-pubscent... had been so totally... and abruptly disrupted... and curtailed... for good...!

And Papa... now having his unwanted children... so abruptly thrust upon him... had spitefully been enforcing... a very strict regimentation of harsh discipline... in his household... over which he ruled... as absolute patriarch... brooking no protests... or complaints... from any single member of them... not even from his beloved wife...!

Adamantly refusing to tolerate... any sign of weakness... under his roof... he seemed to concentrate harsher discipline... especially upon me... his youngest... frequently showing his disappointment... which included totally ignoring... my debilitating heart condition... of no name... with snorting... dismissive disgust...!

So that... every single night... right after dinner... without fail... he would focus his attention... singularly in my direction...!

Also having taken off his business suit... like myself... he was now also dressed... in a kimono... of expensive black silk... which was embroidered with a huge golden dragon... with piercing emerald green eyes... just like his... and a long snaking tongue... of bright red... on its back...

Wearing kimonos... was a tradition... that he and I shared... ever since I was a tyke... when he took me with him... to the "Yuya" (Communal Bathhouse)... every evening... when he was home... and not abroad on business trips...

And now... with both of us comfortably dressed... in our expensive silk kimonos... his brilliant emerald green eyes flashing... always insisting... that we continue to speak to each other in Japanese... whenever we were alone in each other's company... and wearing our kimonos... he would brusquely order me... to follow him...

And without fail... he would always head straight for the little lavatory... under the staircase... opposite our front door...

When he and my mother were married... and we lived together... under the same roof... in Kobe... being a firm believer... in physical wellbeing... and health... and being neither a smoker... nor a drinker... ever since I could remember... I would see Papa... proudly parade around the house... stark naked... showing off his magnificent physique... with weights hanging down from his "soseiji"... in order to enlarge it...!

But now... living under the same roof... with him and Xenia... on the Bluff... in Yokohama... he no longer showed off his naked self... no doubt because of his Russian wife’s narrow... disapproving Russian Orthodox outlook... but he did continue with his usual tradition... of shedding his business suit... and donning his comfortable silk kimono... whenever he was at home...

And no matter how hard I prayed... for the ground to swallow me up... to be spared... this nightly... terrifying test of endurance... as I obediently walked behind him... barefoot... and stark naked... under my kimono... as ordered by him... quaking inside... with the most terrible feeling of sinking panic... very much aware of the fiercely menacing dragon... on Papa’s back... like an evil... taunting... devilish omen... I always ended... locked up... all alone... inside what I came to call... "The Chamber of Horrors..."!

Switching on the glaring bright light... inside the little... narrow washroom... his face utterly expressionless... Papa would order me... speaking in commanding guttural Japanese... to wash my face and hands... and brush my teeth... with cold water... then sit down on the toilet seat... to relieve myself...

And he would stay... and watch me urinate... to make sure... that I was obediently stark naked... underneath my silk kimono... and that all of my "shushu"... was in the toilet bowl... because he didn't want to have the expensive silk garment soiled...!

And once I had done so... trying my very best... to put on a brave front... not to cower... feeling a combination of embarrassment... and abject fear... and terror... in front of him... with my head down... because I was forbidden to look up at him... he would push the little square window... above the wash basin... wide open... with the strict admonishment... that I was not to move... not even a muscle... until he returned for me...

Then... without giving me so much as a further glance... he would exit the small washroom abruptly... and turn the key in the lock... the thunderous sound of which... compounded... a thousandfold... my sense of utter desolation... as he left me there... all alone... with my face and hands scrubbed clean... and the lingering taste of peppermint toothpaste... in my mouth... to face... and overcome... my terrifying revulsion... and fear... of my loathsome arch enemy...:

The Huge... Sleekly Shiny... Reddish-brown... Hard-shelled... Flying... "Dive-bomb” Aburamushis...” (giant cockroaches)... not unlike the Palmettos... thriving on the coastal regions... of the USA and Hawaii... and so prevalent throughout Japan...

Within minutes... as I sat rigidly... as if turned to stone... on the toilet seat... in the little recessed corner... of the narrow room... in fearful anticipation... - the mind-numbing terror... never abating... in the slightest... with the ghastly repetition... of the frightening... nightly ordeals - the following... without fail... would happen...:

The narrow room... would soon be filled... with the dark bodies... of the loathed and despised... huge insects... hundreds of them... as the "aburamushis"... attracted to... and frenzied... by the glaringly bright light bulb... pinging against it... in the ceiling... would quickly locate me... cringing in the recessed corner... and swarm all over... my petrified to stone... trembling body...!

The deafening... buzzing... and pinging noise they made... would set my teeth on edge... jangling my nerves... making the bile... rise up in my throat...

And then it wasn't Iong... before I could feel them... crawling all over me... as they always found their way... down the back of my neck and back... and swarming all over my bare feet... some of them... managing to scuttle up my exceptionally long... naked thighs and legs...

And there would be... the awful sound of them... as I sat... cowering on the toilet seat... with my eyes shut tight... and body bent over... trying my best... to cover my face and ears... and the rest of my tall body... as much as I could... with only my kimono... for protective cover...

But underneath the rustling silk... of my expensive kimono... I was very aware of my nakedness... as I squeezed my trembling thighs and knees tightly together... with my curled fists... pressed tightly against my "shushu"... (private parts)... forever fearful... that some of them would find their way inside me... and into the sacred temple of my soul...!

And the dreadful... horrifying thought... of that happening... without fail... would make me invariably keel over... in a dead faint... as they continued to side-swipe my inert body...!

And as I fell over... certain my pounding...weak heart... would stop beating... from sheer fright... the weight of my body... would squash some of them... onto the stark... white tiled floor...

The stark contrast... of the white walls... white basin... and white tiled floor... and their dark... shiny bodies... flying around... and landing... would make them look even bigger... than they actually were... engulfing my panic-stricken senses... with undulating waves of anguish... and horror... freezing my whole being... with such rigid fear... and terror... that I was unable even... to cry out to my Heavenly Father... for His Help...!

When I recovered consciousness... I would be overjoyed with relief... to find myself back... in my own bedroom... blissfully snuggled under the covers... in the bed I shared... with my beloved sister Prima... my body no longer twitching... with the loathsome feel... of the abominated "aburamushis"... happy to see her loving face... as she hovered protectively over me... with a look of grave concern... in her dark gypsy eyes...

But then... as I looked beyond Prima... to my innocent looking kimono... now neatly draped... over the armchair... I found myself wondering... whether Papa had removed the odious arch enemies... from all over inside my kimono... incongruously blushing... at the thought of his hands... on my naked... unconscious body... as he carried me up the steep stairs...

And hoped fervently... that he had just lifted up my limp body... in his powerful arms... and somehow shaken... all the loathed horrors loose from it... and that it was my sister... who had undressed me... and not Papa... but far too shy and embarrassed... to ask her...

Then... as I thought these unsettling thoughts... I would invariably notice our handsome patriarch... standing proudly... in his dragon kimono... in the doorway... filling it like a giant... implacable... monolith... waiting for me to see the look of derisive scorn... in his piercing... emerald green eyes... and my heart would give a despairing lurch...

Satisfied to see the tears of shame... start trickling down my cheeks... he would make some scathing remark about me... and my disgusting... nauseating weakness... then abruptly turn heel... and leave... with the following harsh words of doom... echoing like an ominous promise...:

"Warera tamesu... futatabi asu yoru...!” (We try again... tomorrow night...!)

And as he carelessly flung the terrifying words... over his shoulder at me... I would be filled with a nameless dread... noticing Prima's look of utter hatred... towards her father...!

It was as if... he had firmly shut the door behind him... shutting me out... as if sealing my fate... and I would be left... feeling terribly belittled... in bitter agony... that I had failed my adored father... Papa Rau... yet once again... the unbeatable... magnificent... Judo/Karate champion... whom I had always so much admired... and loved... and feared...

Devastated to the core... I would silently sob my heart out to my Heavenly Father... far too shy... to plead out loud... in front of my sister... begging Him... with all my heart... to please Stop Papa's nightly torture... pleading for release... from the awful soul-wrenching pain... I was feeling...

And finally... utterly exhausted emotionally... I would cry myself to sleep... cradled in my big sister's comforting... motherly arms...

This nightly ordeal... of cruel torture... started... very soon after my tenth birthday... and continued nightly... except for the weekends... for about thirteen... agonizing months... when suddenly... when I was just past my eleventh birthday... Oh Joy Of Joys... a Wondrous Miracle Happened...!

It seemed as if my nightly... fervent prayers... to my Beloved Heavenly Father... had finally Been Answered... at long... long last...!

For... after being forced to endure the horrendous... nerve-wracking ordeal... every single harrowing week night... for so long... - except for Saturdays... when Papa and Xenia went off together... to the Yokohama Country Club Dance... and Sundays... when the three of us went out hiking together - a Wonderful Miracle of God Happened...!

(The full story... of my Delivering Miracle... from those nightly ordeals of terror... in the dreaded "Chamber of Horrors"... is told below... under Chapter 10...)

It was only many years later... when I was in my thirties... that I finally understood my life-long terror... and horror... of the dreaded "aburamushis"... when my mother told me... how it all began... when I was a mere infant... lying in my crib... the whole poignant story of which... is told under Chapter 11 below...!

After I was Gloriously Inwardly "Opened..." ... and "Awakened..." ... into the Miracle of SUBUD... I also came to understand... that I was paying off... a huge Karmic Debt... of the inescapable "Law of Cause and Effect"... of "As Ye Do Unto Others... So Shall It Be Done Unto You..."... because... in a previous Japanese lifetime... I had cruelly tortured helpless others... in the same manner... with the very same species of "Aburamushis"...!)

Chapter 9
... And Then With The Fearsome "Genki..."!

During the past year and a half... on those Saturday nights... whenever Papa and Xenia... went off to the YCAC... to dine and dance... I was allowed a special treat...!

Knowing how much I loved Japanese food... Papa would put in a telephone order... for me... of my favorite Japanese take-outs... such as "Soba" (thin) or "Udon" (thick)... Noodle & Vegetable Soup... from the village... Kutsu Kake... situated down the road... below our house... before he left for the Country Club Dance...

Left all alone in the house... except for our servants... Cook-san and his wife... Hana-san... who had their own quarters... in the back... Prima and Remo also always absent... having been invited to their friends’ houses... I would be in Seventh Heaven... at first...

Savoring my special treat... of the huge steaming hot bowls... of delicious noodles... tofu... and vegetables... swimming in a richly flavored chicken broth... deftly delivered by a young village boy... on his bicycle... I would happily dine with our servants... in their quarters... on those Saturday nights... where there was plenty of light...

But my joy was double-edged with terror... because after I finished eating... lingering over my delicious meal... for as politely long... as possible... I was expected to go back... into the main part of the house... and sit in the living room... but strictly forbidden... to put any lights on...!

The reason given to me... by Papa... for not being allowed... to turn on any lights in the house... during the main family's absence... was that... since I was the youngest... and therefore insignificant... it would be a waste... to spend his hard earned money... on only useless... "dumb cluck" me... for electricity... which was very expensive...!

It seemed that... now that all his hopes and dreams... of making a world class champion athlete... out of me... had been dashed to smithereens... because of my weak heart... his affection for me... had turned to bitter resentment... and he became mostly cold and distant... losing all interest in me... except to frequently dole out harsh discipline...!

I had dared to protest... only once... the first time they had gone out... together... and in retaliation... was harshly reminded by Papa... that he had never asked for me to be born...! But since I had been born... I should expect nothing more from him and Xenia... than what they felt like generously offering me... out of the goodness of their hearts...!

And for the rest of the time... I should expect no more... than a modicum of tolerance... of my worthless existence...! Unless... of course... I made myself useful to them... the only reason... they would accept me...!

Ever since we started living with Papa and Xenia... for the first time... under the same roof... when I was ten... Papa also continually reminded me... and very seriously... of his high expectations... to be financially supported by me... when I grew up... earning a substantial living... so that he and his beloved Xenia... could retire in comfort and luxury... in Hawaii...!

Adding that it was only right... and just... that I should reimburse him... for all the huge amounts of money... he had spent on me... for the enormous quantities of food... that went into my stomach... for the expensive clothes... I wore on my back... for the decent roof... over my head... for the light and heat... that he provided... all for my physical comfort... and last but not least... for the exorbitant cost of my education... for the brainless "dumb cluck" ... that I was...!

(I found out years later... that that was a blatant lie... for it was Papa Alfred... who had paid for our four years of education... at the ISY... and not Papa Rau... since it was my mother... who had gotten full custody of us...! In all fairness to Papa... perhaps he was referring to the year's cost of my education... spent at St Maur's Convent School for Girls...)

Besides... he added... in his quaint Swiss accent... my mettle would be well tested... if I could show him... that I had the courage... to be left all alone in the house... in the pitch dark... without being afraid...

And every Saturday night... before leaving for the YCAC... Papa... fully aware... that I believed in all the Japanese spirits... from my previous Japanese incarnations... still so vivid in my memory... would sternly admonish me... speaking in Japanese... not to even try to disobey him... by thinking that he would not know... if I did put any lights on... because he had conjured up the services... of a "Nippon no Genki"... (Japanese spirit)... to spy on me from the garden... outside the house...!

Naturally... I never even once attempted... to put any lights on in the house... but made it a point to eat slowly... taking an inordinately long time... to consume my huge bowls of "Soba" or "Udon" ... in Cook-san and Hana-san's brightly lit quarters... usually invited... with much solemn bowing... to partake of some of their own food... as well... such as my favorite crunchy... pickled vegetables... "daikon" (radish) ... and "kyabetsu" (cabbage)... which Hana-san always kept stocked... in her pretty red lacquer jars...

Prolonging the time... as long as was politely possible... before I would have to go back into the empty... cavernous... pitch black house... all alone... much too shy and embarrassed... to beg to be allowed to stay with them... in their brightly lit rooms... until my family's return... - I would rather die... than have them know... of my cowardice and fear - I would traditionally observe the bowing ritual of thanks... "Gochiso-sama..." ... and then bid them... a falsely hearty... "Oyasumi-nasai..." (Good night)

Then... taking a deep breath... trying to quell the pounding of my fearful heart... I would straighten my shoulders... and smiling bravely at Cook-san and Hana-san... wave nonchalantly... and force myself to go back into the now creaking... menacing... looming... pitch black house...

Where... fearful and trembling... sitting on the floor... of the spacious living room... behind the couch... in the inky dark... disgusted with myself... for being such a coward... I would wait interminably long hours... longing to see the familiar faces... and hear the animated... happy voices... of either Papa and Xenia... or Prima... or Remo... back home safe and sound... to protect me... their reassuring presence... dispelling my terror...

And I was always very acutely aware... that only the flimsy front door... and thin bay window panes... separated me... from the fearsome "Genki"... prowling around outside...!

For some strange reason... I was far too embarrassed... to pray for help... let my Heavenly Father Know... what a craven coward... His pre-pubescent daughter had become...!

I had been acquainted... with the scary "Genkis" ... ever since I was three years old... from the spine-tingling stories... my succession of village Amahs... would excitedly regale me with... and they were still very real to me... even at ten... and eleven...!

So you can imagine... how petrified I was... to dare to even look outside... through the windows... into the dark night... where the fearsome "Genki" lurked... expecting to see his hideous... leering... menacing face... pressed against the window pane... spying on me with malicious glee...!

And I would be so frightened... trembling... sitting on the carpet... in the pitch dark... of the huge living room... enduring the long... dragging hours... especially when I saw the red eyes... of the evil "Genki"... in the garden... peering in at the big windows... grinning at my terror of him... my fertile imagination running rampant...!

Only once... did I dare to disobey Papa... who always expected to find me sitting downstairs... in the living room... waiting for him... when I longed to be under the comforting covers... of my bed upstairs... convincing myself... that the frightening "Genki"... would not be able to reach that high up... to peer into the second floor... bedroom windows...

But as I slowly trudged up the steep stairs... of Mount Everest... as usual... ever conscious of my weak... pounding heart... in the pitch dark... feeling like an abject craven coward... riddled with guilt... I suddenly felt something... run across my hand... and up my arm... on the banister...!

And letting out a frightened scream... and brushing it off my arm... panicking... I raced all the way up... ignoring the fact... that my weak heart... already pounding in fear... would be further taxed... alarmingly... and I was headed for yet another of those awful... lurching type of accelerated heartbeats... begun when I was eight... on the Fourth of July... the American Day of Independence...!

They were so unbearable... because they immediately drained all the strength... from my body... and all I could do... when they happened... was to sink down... panting... on my bed... with my last ounce of strength... and surrender the whole of my suffering self... totally... to the Loving Arms... of my Heavenly Father... awaiting His Will for me... with utter trust... and faith... in Him... Who Had Created... my very being... and Knew me inside out... and far better... than I knew myself...

Strangely... because of my blind adoration for him... it never once dawned on me... that Papa... already knowing all about my weak heart... having personally witnessed... the terrifying event... when it first happened... when I was about eight... had deliberately chosen a two storey house... the steep stairs of which... he knew... would be exceedingly taxing... on my weakened heart...!

And ever since that creepy-crawly thing... probably a "geji-geji"... (Japanese centipede)... had crawled along my arm... as I raced up the steep stairs... in pitch darkness... to go to my bedroom and sleep... I had been much too afraid... to attempt it again...

Even though... when Papa and Xenia... finally came home that night... and did not find me obediently waiting for them... in the pitch dark of the living room... Papa did not race upstairs... yank me out of bed... and scold me... for disobeying him... but left me alone... sleeping peacefully...!

Probably because he had noticed... that I had a great big smile on my face... happily off... on another Blissful... nightly visit... to my true home in Heaven... as I was fond of saying... to him... and the rest of my family... ever since I was little...!

But from then on... like a yellow-livered coward... I had cringed in the darkness... of the living room... crouching down as close to the floor... as possible... trembling... my heart beating like a hammer... making sure to keep well away from the windows... feeling utterly vulnerable... and exposed... all the while hating myself... for being so spineless...

And the only sound... in the pitch dark... as I waited... for endlessly l-o-o-ng... dragging hours on end... for my elders to come home... was the seemingly louder... slower ticking... of the clock... on the sideboard...

And throughout all those nerve-wracking... terrifying Saturday nights... it never once occurred to me... that the “red eyes”... I was so fearful of... were probably the lights of glowworms... or fireflies...!

Chapter 10
This Humble To God Soul's Sudden Deliverance... Of Not Only One... But Two Miracles... Overnight...!

Getting back to the Wondrous... Two Miracles that Occurred... the First of which... Happened thus...:

Papa and his beloved Xenia... suddenly started to play cards together... discovering that they enjoyed playing right after dinner... every week night... in particular a game called "Jass"... not unlike Bridge...!

So that one night... about two months past my eleventh birthday... and after about thirteen months... of being subjected to nightly torture... during the week... instead of being forced to go with Papa... as usual... into the terrifying "Chamber of Horrors"... right after dinner... he ordered me to go... all by myself...!

Expecting me to first put the light on... brush my teeth... wash my face and hands... with the cold water... as usual... like an obedient daughter should... relieve myself... then open the windows... to let the terror-inspiring horrors in...!

Overjoyed at being left to my own devices... I obeyed gladly... as far as going into the lavatory on my own... was concerned... but I could not... for the very life of me... switch the light on... nor even open the little window...!

And as I hastily brushed my teeth... and nervously washed my face and hands... with cold water... in the dark... and carefully relieved myself... the little room... was only dimly illuminated... by the outside light... erected just below the roof... on the back corner of our house...

If I craned my neck upwards... and back to the left... I would have been able to see the inevitable swarms... of the loathsome... dive-bomb "aburamushis"... as well as hear their nerve-wracking buzzing... and pinging... as they hit the huge... bare light bulb outside... the sounds of which... always made me jump with nerves...

And all I could do was hope and pray... with all my heart... that Papa would not come in... to check up on me...

As I meekly reemerged... from the little wash room... on the first night... on my own... after nervously sitting trembling... on the toilet seat... for quite some time... shaking with trepidation... and conscious of my stark naked body... draped in my beautiful... expensive silk kimono... feeling riddled with guilt... because I had not had the courage... to obey Papa to the letter... I was disgusted at myself... for my cowardice - why... I was anything but a coward... in all other aspects of my life... except... of course... for the dreaded "Genki"...

Because my being... was filled with my unshakeable faith... and trust... in my Heavenly Father... and gratitude... for the Protection... of His Guardian Angel... Who seemed to be always at hand... whenever I was in real danger... I was able to feel some modicum of courage...

I noticed that Papa hardly looked up... from where he was sitting... at the green baize card table... set up in the middle... of the living room... that afternoon... beyond the French glass doors... thoroughly absorbed in his game of cards... looking so appealingly handsome... dressed in his traditional black silk dragon kimono...

As I turned the corner... to my right... starting to climb the torturous... endless “Stairs of Mount Everest...” ... which was directly opposite the closed French glass doors... I sang out a hopefully friendly... nonchalant-sounding... lilting...:

“O Yasumina..sa..i Papa-san...!"... “Good nig..ht Xe..ni..a!"

Dismayed to hear that the tone of my voice... sounded nervous and quavery... certain that they were bound to detect... how guilty I felt... my heart started hammering with fear...

But to my great surprise... and enormous relief... as I trudged up the steep stairs... in full view of them... with my heart hammering with fear and dread... ever conscious of my long back... being in their sight... I realized... that they had not even bothered... to look up at me... utterly engrossed... with the cards in their hands... but had merely waved an absent-minded "Good night" back... Papa never even bothering to ask... whether I had obeyed him...!

So... as the nights wore on... with much the same repeated scenario... I seized... more and more... the advantages of Papa Rau's continued inattention... carefully watching his handsome... noble... John Barrymore profile... as I crouched in the pitch dark... of the entranceway... after washing... and relieving myself first... in the still unnerving... "Chamber of Horrors..."

Noticing how he never once looked up... from his intent concentration... on his cards... to even cast a curious glance... in my direction... and that he only looked... from the cards in his hands... to his beloved Xenia... sitting across from him... from time to time... passing some comment... about her moves and strategies...

Papa's continuing to ignore my whereabouts... after dinner... gave me the courage... sometimes... if I was feeling particularly nervous... to pretend that I had been to the dreaded "Chamber of Horrors"... without actually setting one foot inside the frightening room... opening and closing its door loudly...!

Then... after a goodly long while... spent crouching in the dark of the entranceway... putting on an exaggerated show... of seeming to be trudging back up the stairs... loudly yawning my head off... I would breezily call out...:

"Good ni..ght...! God Ble..ss You...! "

Obediently uttering the words... in both Japanese and English... as expected by Papa... with the two of them... continuing to not even bother to look up... from their game of "Jass"... which had become a single-minded... nightly obsession for them... absent-mindedly waving their arms... and sometimes not even responding to my friendly call at all...!

As nerve-wracking as the nightly ordeal was... always in danger of having my duplicity found out... to my great relief... I managed to fool them... every single time...!

And the Second Miracle... most amazing... was that Papa never wondered... whether I had fallen... into a dead faint... as I usually did...! Never showed that he cared enough... especially in front of his jealous beloved... to stop playing cards... momentarily... and come to the "Chamber of Horrors"... to investigate his usually obviously terrified daughter's situation...!

Nor did he ever ask me... how it was... that seemingly overnight... I had finally overcome... my life-long terror... of the loathed "aburamushis"... when only the night before... he had seen... with his own eyes... how I had fallen into a dead faint... from sheer horror...!

One night... soon after the same scenario of Papa's continuing total indifference... towards me... repeated itself... as I lay warm and cozy... and safe... under the covers... next to my adored sister... it suddenly dawned on me... that Papa never asked me anything... about my nightly ordeals... in the dreaded "Chamber of Horrors..."... because my Heavenly Father... Must Have Mercifully Removed from him... all memory of them... Made him forget... all about his nightly torture... towards his youngest daughter...!

And the more I thought about it... the more I became convinced... that it was indeed so... because it was so out of character... for Papa... who ruled his family... with an iron fist... not to become the least bit curious... about his youngest daughter's sudden lack of fear...!

Furthermore... during our perilous journey... on board ship... or on land... and during all of the additional seven years... that it was my destiny... to continue living under his roof... with him in Zurich... a city mercifully free... of the dreaded insects... not once.. did he ever refer... or allude... to those terrifying thirteen months of nightly torture... inflicted by him... on his secretly "darling Nadia"... in the dreaded "Chamber of Horrors"...!

Neither in our warm correspondence... with each other... towards the end of his life... after seventeen years... of total non-communication between us... because of his gross betrayal of me... when I was a seventeen year old student in England...!

(Those hellish years in Zurich... and the Miraculous Way... in which we were brought together... in South Africa... not personally... but in communication... after seventeen years... because it was the Will of God... that I become his channel... for his Inner Awakening... into SUBUD... albeit posthumously...!... is fully described... in "From Seven Hells... To Seventh Heaven... SUBUD..."!)

I hated deceiving Papa... feeling the familiar guilt-weight... of the "Lie Stone"... inside my chest... which I had asked my Heavenly Father for... as a Divine Reminder... whenever I told an untruth...!

This was after I told my very first lie... at the age of about four and a bit... to my adored mother... the memorable day... I narrowly escaped being kidnapped... for the White Sex Slave Market... with the Timely Help... of my Guardian Angel... making His Acquaintance... for the very first time... in my life...!

But my boundless terror... of that little "Chamber of Horrors" ... far exceeded... having to bear its unpleasant weight... Besides... I knew that my Merciful... Loving Heavenly Father... Would Be Understanding... and Would always Forgive me... before I fell asleep... and after I explained away my valid reasons to Him... about my deep-seated aversion... to those horrible insects... apologizing for calling them horrible... because I was fully aware... that He Had Created them... also...

And I never woke up feeling heavy... because by morning... the weight of the "Lie Stone" ... would have Been Lifted off my chest... and I would feel nice and light... and Mercifully Forgiven... once again...!

And... once again... I would be full of optimism... that there would be no more nights of torture... for me... for I was born... with an ever burning... optimistic spirit... in my breast...

Always fervently believing... just like Aries born Scarlett O’Hara... of “Gone With the Wind” (#s 479, 483, 730, 923, 999, 1000 & 1080 of The Little Cilandak Video Library) ... that “tomorrow is another day...”... that tomorrow would finally be the dawning day... when Papa’s cruelties towards me... would cease... and ours would be a happy home... with everybody truly loving each other... and openly caring for one another... as they should...

Naturally... I often ended up... going to bed... with a full bladder... not to mention unbrushed teeth... and unwashed face and hands... having to wake Prima up... in the middle of the night... begging her to accompany me downstairs... to that dreaded "Chamber of Horrors"... holding onto her hand tightly... for dear life... perpetually fearful of seeing... and hearing... those terrifying... "kamikaze aburamushi dive-bombers"... again...

I never allowed her to put the light on... either... my imagination running wild... that one of the dreaded monsters... might have somehow found its way... into the little room... or even Papa... might have deliberately put one there... to test me...!

All the while trembling with fear... all now five feet six inches of me... sat on the edge of the toilet seat... hardly able to pee... as I clutched at five foot four Prima... never letting go of her hand... hating myself... for being such a craven coward...

No amount of trying to tell myself... that they were equally God's creatures... and therefore I should learn to love... or at least... accept them... as part of His Creation... lessened my terror of them... and even at the mere mention of the word... “aburamushi” ... or “cockroach”... my whole body would always start trembling... with nauseous revulsion... and fear...!

Another senseless cruelty of our pater... was that we... his children... were never allowed... to use the upstairs bathroom... adjoining the master suite... when he was in the house... except for our weekly baths... on Saturday evenings... and had to cope the best we could... in washing ourselves... daily... with cold water... at the little basin... of the small “Chamber of Horrors...”!

But during the daytime... whenever there was no school... due to Taifu (typhoons)... or Kozui (floods)... or Jishin (earthquakes)... occurring usually between the months of October and February... and on Saturday mornings... with Papa gone off to his office... Xenia would let me use their bathroom... probably in gratitude... that I was still faithfully keeping her secret... about her false "Mask of Beauty"...!

And I would luxuriate happily... for as long as possible... in the sudsy... perfumed... hot Water of Life... liberally helping myself... to her array of exquisitely scented bath oils... bath foams... and expensive perfumes...

After which... smelling sweet... and all squeaky clean... Xenia would delight me... by preoccupying herself... with my crowning glory... happily... and lovingly brushing my thick golden tresses... *joost lek engels golt!" ... for hours on end...!

Chapter 11
The Poignant... Heart-wrenching Reason... For My Lifelong Terror... Of The Cockroach Species... From Dive Bomb "Aburamushis"... To Palmettos... Etc...!

I was destined to wait... until I was in my mid thirties... before I finally understood... my lifelong terror... of the whole cockroach species... and why I was so petrified of them...!

When my adored mother... from whom I had been separated... in the real sense... for thirteen long... heart-breaking years... with not a day going by... when I did not feel the soul-searing pain... of being separated from her... ever feeling as if torn... from her beloved side... she whom I had always worshipped and adored... ever since I had first laid eyes upon her exquisite... Madonna-like beauty... told me the following shocking... heart-wrenching story...

Apparently... when I was a mere infant... only a few months old... lying helplessly in a cot... in a hotel room... in the port city of Genoa Italy... having been Miraculously born... in the family palazzo in Turin... and soon to board a ship... destined for the Far East... I had experienced a terrifying ordeal...!

Because it was such a warm night... 38 year old Theodore Rau... had opened the window... by the cot of his "Darling Nadia"... to let the warm ocean breeze in... and concerned... that she might become afraid... of the unfamiliar surroundings... in the dark... he had left the light on for her... before going downstairs... to the hotel dining room... for dinner... with his much younger wife... 23 year old... exquisitely beautiful... Madonna-like... French/Italian Contessa... Vera Quarta Turin...

While they were enjoying their delicious dinner... amid the busy hustle and bustle... of the ambidextrous waiters... adroitly maneuvering their trays... piled high with platters of spaghetti... and other delectable Italian specialities... skillfully weaving in and out... between the crowded tables... the orchestra accompanying a handsome... swarthy tenor... lustily singing passionate Neapolitan love songs... my mother suddenly thought that she could hear me crying... despite all the noise going on around her... the waiters... and their clattering dishes... the music playing... the tenor singing...!

She wanted to get up right away... and go upstairs to their suite... which was on the fifth floor... to check up on her two month old baby... but her husband... getting annoyed... had remonstrated with her... exclaiming... in his quaint Swiss accent...:

"How on earth can you hear baby Nadia crying... from way up there... through all this noise... Vera...?

You must be imagining things...

And if she is crying... never mind... let her cry...! It's good for her... Crying will make her develop a pair of healthy strong lungs... maybe she will become an opera singer...! (How prophetic...!)

Now... no more fretting about the baby... finish your dinner first...!"

But my mother felt extremely uneasy... because she thought she could hear me screaming by now...!

And drawing a deep breath... she summoned up the courage... to defy her much older husband... whom she had been sold to... in marriage... by her formidable Nonna (grandmother)... when she was only sixteen... after he had ravaged her... when she was only fifteen... and already borne him two children... a daughter... when she was only seventeen... and a son... when she was eighteen...!

Insisting that she had to go upstairs... to investigate... she quickly rose from the table... and hurried away from the dining room... despite his spluttering... angry protests...

As she approached their hotel suite... I was screaming so loudly... that her ears seemed to reverberate... with the piercing sound... making all five foot nine of her... stagger and reel...!

And becoming very alarmed now... she had rushed into the room... and seen... to her horror... an enormous black... flying cockroach... sitting right in the middle of my chest...!

My face was bright red... and almost apoplectic... Born slightly cross-eyed... my blue eyes were wide open... with the most awful expression of terror in them... and my body was rigid with shock... as if paralyzed...!

Naturally... I have no conscious memory of that... no doubt... petrifying event... nor what terrors... my heIpless baby self... had been subjected to... by the huge insect... before my mother came rushing into the suite...

But my subconscious mind... has never forgotten... making the terror... I obviously experienced that night... flare up... all over again... making me tremble with fear and dread... at the mere sight of a cockroach... to this very day... although I no longer faint... like I used to...

I can barely tolerate the smaller species... but the huge Japanese "aburamushi"... and those prevalent... along the coastal cities in South Africa... Hawaii... and now in the Deep South of the United States... where I am currently living... in Alabama... and what the Floridians call the palmettos... all flying types - all places it has been my Karmic fate... to have lived in - rekindle all the remembered... familiar terror... and repugnance in me... every single time...!

Even to this very day... I can barely utter the thoroughly loathed word... "cockroach" ... without feeling nauseous... and repulsed...!

Chapter 12
Papa Rau’s Diabolical Cruelties... Towards Me... Begun When I Was About Five... With The Fateful Advent... Of Jealously Possessive... Neurotic Xenia... The Love Of His Life...!

During an outing... with Papa and his new love... Auntie Xenia... instead of going hiking... through the beautiful mountains... like we usually did... we went to the popular beach at Honmoku Point... instead...!

This was the very first time... in my five year old life... that I saw the beautiful Pacific Ocean... and the sight of the wide expanse of blue... blue water... in front of me... as I stood barefoot... in the soft warm... silky sand... loving the way it tickled my bare toes... and proudly wearing my very first bathing suit... of a beautiful blue... that Papa had just given me... on that day of firsts... made me feel very exhilarated... and full of awe... and wonder... to be beholding yet another of God's Magnificent Creations...

And when Papa suddenly hefted me up onto his broad shoulders... and waded into the ocean... I was not at all afraid... but delirious with joy... so happy to be sitting on top of his shoulders... like I used to... on our way to the Yayu... in the evenings... and during our downward trips... from the yama... after our pre-dawn exercises... together...

We were laughing at Xenia... who insisted on wearing her rubber shoes... into the water... very afraid of sea urchins... and any other marine creature... that might bite her...!

And she refused to venture out too far... into the water... preferring to stay behind... not swimming... but just sitting ... where it was still shallow...

As Papa waded deeper into the water... with me happily holding on tightly... to his curly golden head... I thought excitedly to myself...:

Oh goody goody...! Papa is going to teach me how to swim...!"

But as I thought this happy thought... all of a sudden... he threw me off his shoulders... into the deep Pacific Ocean... expecting me to swim automatically... like a fish...!

And he had become livid with fury... and disgusted with me... when I... totally unprepared... startled and shocked... instantly sank straight to the bottom... like a stone... instead...!

Whereupon... in a towering rage... he had yanked me up by my hair... spluttering and choking... then... as punishment... forced me to lie out in the scorching sun... for the rest of that day... with no food to eat... or even any water to drink...!

And as a result... of his extreme cruelty... I had suffered dehydration... sun stroke... and a horrible third degree sunburn... all over my body... my snow-white tender skin... turning as red as a lobster...!

Papa and Mummie were estranged by then... and he was happily living... with his brand new love... Xenia... and on that occasion... had gotten Mummie's permission... to have me spend the day with them... at the beach...

And as Papa unceremoniously... and contemptuously... dumped me back on my mother's doorstep that evening... my face and body bright red... my lips turning bluish-purple... my whole body shivering uncontrollably... in agony... Mummie... at the horrible sight... of her youngest daughter's pitiful condition... had become extremely enraged... at her estranged husband...

She screamed... in that fascinating French/Italian accent of hers...:

"You monster...! Look at what you've done to little Tzi-Tzi...!"

And furious at his careless... callous neglect of her little daughter... her jet-black eyes... glaring at him with hatred... her beautiful face now twisted into a grimace of horror... her usually regally cool... calm bearing... abandoned... her ferocious French/Italian blood... boiled up in her veins...!

And... before anybody knew what was happening... as I stood there... in the hallway... shivering uncontrollably... in my brand new blue bathing suit... noticing how there was now a sheepish look of guilt... on Papa's face... she had whipped out the gun... kept in the hallway table drawer... and shot at him...!

She had tried to aim for his heart... but because she was trembling with fury... she missed... and fortunately for him... only grazed his arm instead...!

Papa had recoiled... astonished... very surprised and taken aback... by his wife's unexpected... vicious attack... and holding onto his bleeding arm... had left hurriedly... to rejoin his beloved Xenia... who was waiting for him... sitting in their car... trembling... fearful that his hysterical wife... might take another shot at him... and this time not miss... doing him grievous bodily harm... or maybe even kill him...!

I remember being rushed to the hospital... and how the doctor had smeared my body all over... with cooling... soothing calamine lotion... before bandaging me from head to toe... just like an Egyptian mummie...!

And what sheer agony I went through... when the itching started... with poor Hana-san... a brand new Amah... sent by Papa... to specially look after his secretly "darling Nadia"... who became dearly loved by me... doing her very best... to distract me from scratching... as the huge blisters on my skin... began to dry up... and start peeling... all over my body...!

Papa... feeling guilty... and remorseful... had sheepishly sent me a gramophone... and a number of my favorite records...

And whenever I started to scratch... Hana-san would race over to the gramophone... frantically wind it up... and play one of the records... of our very special favorite songs... such as "The Music Goes Round And Round..." ... where... whenever it came to the part...: "...and it comes out here" ... I would giggle... because it reminded me of the happy times... when Papa used to tickle me... relentlessly and ferociously... on the word "here..." ... making me gasp... the tears of laughter... rolling down my cheeks...

Or our other favorite...: "Hallelujah I'm A Bum..." ... which we used to sing together... his lyrical tenor... and my soprano voice... blending in beautiful harmony together... with him accompanying us... on his Spanish guitar...

Those wonderfully happy... carefree times... between my adored Papa and myself... his "darling Nadia"... took place... before Xenia came into his life... when everything changed so abruptly... the advent of this new... neurotic... jealously possessive woman... who soon was to become my stepmother... spoiling forever... the very special close bond... that had existed between us...!

Beginning with insecure Xenia... very quickly insisting... that her beloved Theo... no longer call me by his favorite name for me...!

Fully aware... in her jealousy and resentment... of our special close bond... with each other... and that "Nadia"... happened to be a Russian name... being her own nationality... she slyly reminded him... that it was only proper... that he call me by the Italian name... of "Graziella"... chosen first... by the Italian woman... who had given birth to me... now that there was possibly some very real doubt... that I was actually his daughter... by blood...! (Naturally... I knew nothing of that part of her speculation... at the time...)

Chapter 13
About Three Months Into My Eighth Year Of Life... On The Fourth Of July 1938... Being The American Day Of Independence... Heralds My Life-Long Fragile Heart Beat Lurching Condition... Of No Name... Disgusting Papa Rau... Who Adamantly Refuses To Accept Any Weakness... In His Children...!

The ghastly nights of ordeals... in the "Chamber of Horrors"... and torture... with the dreaded "dive-bomb aburamashis"... also aggravated... and increased... the bouts of unnerving heart lurching palpitations... which I had been experiencing... ever since about three months after my eighth birthday...!

Papa had been training me... to become a world class... Olympic athlete... ever since I was very little... and because I was born... with exceptionally long legs... especially my thighs... I was able to outrun... anybody my age... and even older - my unusually long legs... no doubt... a contributing factor... to my athletic prowess... earning for myself... the nickname... "Grazi-Longlegs"...

On that memorable... never to be forgotten day - it was the 4th of July 1938 - and in celebration of the American Day of Independence... I was duly entered... to run a 100-yard dash relay race... at the YCAC... (Yokohama Country & Athletic Club)... with one unusual feature...:

As we reached the half-way mark of the race... we were expected to bend down... and pick up one of the six miniature American flags... with their bright red white and blue stars and stripes... stuck neatly in a row in the ground... one for each of the first runners... to reach the flag... before racing back with it in our hand... to the starting line... and handing it to the next runner...

As I raced like the proverbial wind... way ahead of my team competitors... as usual... certain that this race... was going to be yet another feather in my cap... knowing that many bets... had been placed on me... as the Club’s favorite... I was very confident... of an easy win...!

But... as I reached the half-way mark... and bent down to pick up the cute little miniature flag... out of the ground... I suddenly felt my heart lurch... then begin to pound hard... at an alarming rate... much much faster... than it ever had... after any previous physical exertion...!

Having always been very active... physically... I often felt my heart race... such as after playing a vigorous game of basketball... at which I excelled - no doubt... my height of five feet four inches... being a definite advantage - or after an exuberant mock duel... with fencing foils... or after folk dancing... to my heart's content... or after a strenuous ballet lesson... or even after running like the wind...

I loved dancing... and all kinds of sports... and Papa had been so proud... of my athletic achievements...

He had harbored such high hopes for me... and ever since I was a little tyke of three... he... a black belt Judo and Karate Champion... had been training me daily... on a set of dumbbells... he had had specially made for me...!

Every single morning... about an hour before dawn... he would wake me... dress me in my brightly colored romper suit... and taking me by the hand... lead me upstairs to the attic... where he had set up his gym... and carefully put me through the paces... of all kinds of exercises... including lifting the little dumbbells...!

And after we finished exercising... in the attic... he expected me to climb up the yama (mountain)... behind our house... with him... every single morning... just before dawn... come rain or come shine...!

And there was never any breakfast... beforehand... either... nor even a glass of water allowed... not until we had first climbed up... and then down the yama...!

My Papa always expected me to climb up the yama... all by myself... where... when we reached the top... when the night sky... was full of twinkling stars... full of awe... and wonder... holding hands... we would wait... to watch the spectacular rising of the sun... together... in the beautiful Land Of The Rising Sun... a Glorious Spectacle... of God’s Magnificent Creation... like nowhere else on earth...!

But on the downward trip... Papa would reward me... by lifting me up onto his broad shoulders... And I would be so happy and proud... to have pleased him... that I felt like crowing my head off... sitting there on top of the world... holding tightly onto his curly golden head... For those early... pre-dawn exercises... followed by morning hikes... were always our very special... precious times... alone together...

Knowing that Papa was there... on that day of American Independence... loudly cheering me on... at the sidelines... expecting me to easily win the race... reminded me of the last time... I had let him down... at the beach of Honmoku Point... when he expected me to swim like a fish... when he suddenly threw me off his shoulders... and startled and shocked... I had sunk to the bottom... like a stone... instead... as already fully described... in the previous Chapter...

Now... today... some two years later... on the American Day of Independence... after that day of Papa's gross cruelty... at Honmoku Point... as I held the little American flag... clutched tightly in my hand... all I wanted to do... was simply lie down and die...!

Because it seemed as if my heart... had taken complete control... of my entire body...!

Deathly afraid... somehow... I managed to dredge up... from somewhere deep inside me... one last ounce of strength... and courage... determined to overcome this sudden... most unusual... overwhelming and frightening... lurch/hammering of the heart... this awful... quickly draining of strength affliction... and to win the race... that so many people... were counting on me to win...!

With superhuman effort... seeing that the other runners... were gaining up on me... I desperately prayed for the strength I needed... to be able to finish the race... loath to disappoint my adored Papa... once again...

And by the Grace of God alone... somehow ran all the way back... winning by I know not how many lengths... because... just as I reached the starting point... first in line... amidst all the cheering... and applause... and shouts of "Bravo"... something gave way inside me... and my knees buckling... I fainted dead away... just as my prize... a darling little red satin-lined sewing box... its cover encrusted with sparkling gems... of all colors of the rainbow... was thrust into my hands...!

When I came to... lying on the ground... the first person I saw was Papa... and the disgusted look on his face... was exactly the same... as on the day I disappointed him... at the beach...

And in a towering rage... he snatched my precious prize... still clutched in my hands... and threw it on the ground... stomping on it... crushing it to smithereens... while at the same time ranting and raving... derisively... about how I had shamed him... in front of all his colleagues... by showing such weakness... in front of everybody... by fainting dead away...!

Unable to bear his wrath... feeling the awful weight... of my lurch/hammering heart... barely able to get a breath... I enraged him further... by fainting again...!

And when I regained consciousness... the second time... I was very surprised... to find myself lying on a hard surface... in a doctor's office...! Papa was there... and I could see by his face... that he was still seething with anger...

And as soon as he saw... that my eyes were open... he gave me a scornful... piercing... emerald green stare... wanting me to see... how thoroughly disgusted he was with me... totally ignoring the fact... that I was still fighting for every breath... and that all I could do... was continue to lie there... panting... clearly distressed... and bewildered... by the continuing... frightening... lurch/hammering of my heart...!

There were no words of sympathy... or concern... forthcoming from him... none whatsoever... but only scathing words... of voicing his bitter disdain... raining down upon my bewildered... dizzy head...!

Glaring down at me... he subjected me to a lengthy... shouting tirade... about how everybody at the Country Club... had been witness... to seeing the shameful spectacle of a daughter of his... collapse in public...!

What a dishonor... what humiliation... he raged... and with him... the father... standing right there in plain sight... to see his athletic daughter... "lose face" ... in such a disgraceful manner...!

Ranting and raving at me non-stop... as I lay there... on the uncomfortable hard surface... still fighting for every breath... much too weak to move even a limb... I knew that he would never let me live my shame down... not as long as I lived...!

In my hitherto lifelong... blind admiration of him... it never once dawned on me... how it could be... that my very own father... was exhibiting such heartless cruelty... more concerned with his false sense of betrayal... than with my own life-threatening well-being... callously ignoring my extreme suffering...!

Then... as rotten luck would have it... just as the English doctor... entered the room... my heart suddenly stopped its alarming pounding... and my physical strength... was somewhat restored...!

So that when he tried to induce another one of those particularly frightening... lurching kind of heartbeats... by making me bend up and down... vigorously... all to no avail... Papa had become very impatient... sneering with derision... when no amount of bending... or stretching... would bring on another “heart attack”...!

When the doctor told Papa... after examining my heart... astonished that he could barely find a heartbeat... that he found it advisable... that I give up all kinds of physical exercise... in the immediate future... at least for a little while... suggesting that the attacks might cease... if I were not that physically active in sports... Papa had snorted...:

"Nonsense... she's my daughter... strong as an ox... no puny weakling...!

I have been training her... ever since she was three years old...! And I simply refuse to have her turn into a sissy...!

I shall get a second opinion... from another doctor...!"

And... taking me by the arm... he practically yanked it out of its socket... and promptly marched me out of the startled doctor's office... without a by your leave...!

Papa never took me to see another physician... simply refusing to accept my strange affliction... that had no medical name... especially since the doctor had been somewhat puzzled... remarking that my attack... could have possibly been caused by a glandular disorder... or perhaps by my obvious accelerated physical growth - already an inch... in the past eight months - and would probably cease... once I reached my full height...

But he was wrong... for I continued to suffer the instantly debilitating heart palpitations... throughout the years... and even after I had stopped growing... reaching five feet ten and a half inches... by the age of sixteen... half an inch taller than Papa... and six feet two... by the age of forty-two... when I finally stopped growing...!

And even to this very day... suffering them daily now... with heart medications... no longer of any help... and diagnosed some twelve years ago... with an additional heart affliction... called "mitral valve prolapse"...!

It was my fate... to have to wait another twenty more years... before my chronic heart condition... was finally medically diagnosed... as "paroxysmal tachycardia"... while I happened to be in a doctor’s office... on another medical matter... when an attack suddenly came on... in his presence...!

Meanwhile... from that first day on... Papa being in my life... became a living HELL of torment... for me...!

First... whenever I spent my school vacations... with him and Xenia... then... even more... from the day following my tenth birthday... when we were all living together... on a daily basis... under the same roof... with Papa either completely ignoring my sudden panting... or jeering at me... uttering scathing... denigrating remarks... about my weakness... every time I had an attack...!

And he would revel in taunting me... telling me that it was just my way... of getting some attention... reminding me of the day... I had fallen down the stairs... as a baby... when... noticing how much attention... it had gotten me... I had deliberately started to throw myself down the stairs... practically every day... thereafter...! (That stupidity caused me to weaken even more... the congenital spinal condition... in my lower back... which I had been born with...!)

These most unpleasant heart palpitations... averaged about two a week... usually lasting half an hour... always unpredictable... attacking me at any time... and anywhere... even without being preceded... by any physical exertion...!

And my reaction to them... was always the same...:

I simply had to lie down... and as soon as possible... for at the slightest onslaught... I could feel the strength... rapidly draining away... from my body...!

But as soon as an attack was over... Papa would expect me to get back up on my feet again... and pronto...!

And all my pleas... to please let me rest... just for a little while longer... would fall on deaf ears...!

He would adamantly tolerate no weaklings... under his roof... and expected me to "exercise mind over matter"... like the Christian Scientists did... which religious scientific thought... he had been dabbling in... off and on... for the past few years...!

In desperation... realizing that Papa was not about to ever give me any sympathy... and might even cause my death... with his most harsh... unrelenting treatment... I decided to hide the attacks from him... becoming quite adept... at learning to conceal... the sudden enervating onslaught... from everybody else... as well... going on about four and a half years now... learning to keep the attacks to myself... hiding my agitated state... as best I could...

I was ever fearful... that Papa would notice the pounding of my heart... through my clothes... before I managed to ask to be excused... from the dining table... or the living room... usually on the pretext... that I had some homework to do - we always had to first ask for permission... to leave a room...

Even though I knew that I was deceiving him... I reasoned... that if Papa was not aware... that I was having a heart lurching attack... I could have the precious extra time... needed so desperately... to rest my greatly weakened body...

Feeling very sad... and alone... in my suffering... I would slowly trudge up... the steep thirty-seven steps... as if I was climbing Mount Everest... and having finally reached the top of the stairs... with my last belabored breath... I would stagger... panting... into the bedroom... that Prima and I shared together... sink onto our shared... soft king size bed... and give myself up totally... to my Heavenly Father... Whom I loved... and trusted... with all my heart and soul... and with every fiber of my being...

And as I lay there... thoroughly drained of strength... feeling as if I was dying... I could Feel Him Lovingly Cradling me... In His Comforting Arms...

And I would patiently wait... for His Will... to be Done unto me... “knowing” deep inside me... that... in my lonely suffering... I deserved what was happening to me... and that I was paying off... in this last lifetime on earth... some enormous Karmic Debt... that I had reaped... from some previous lifetime...!

I also surrendered to Him... my perpetual longing... to see the different countries... I had heard so much about... over the years... from my International friends... at the ISY... intrigued to learn more about their different cultures... customs... and traditions...

I was also quite resigned to the possibility... that that might never happen... for in my thoroughly weakened state... my Heavenly Father... Might Decide to end my suffering... by simply letting me expire... in His Loving Arms... and Allow me to return to Him... and to my true home... Heaven...

Chapter 14
“As Ye Do Unto Others... So Shall It Be Done Unto You...!”

This enormous fact of Karmic Debt... was confirmed for me... twice... the first time... when I was in my early forties... by my husband’s ex wife... Luzilla... who was extremely psychic... and yet again... about ten years later... when I was in my early fifties... by dear Rosanna Meyer... another psychic SUBUD Sister...!

I was in my 13th year... of the Glory... of the Miracle of SUBUD... my final Heavenly Path... for Spiritual Growth... and Development... after years and years of searching...

Luzilla’s then husband... Farlan... had sent her to me... because he refused to grant her the divorce... she kept asking him for... not until he Received his own Guidance... from Allah Almighty God... that It Was His Will... that he should do so...!

Whereupon I reassured her... that she had come to the right person... because I knew all about disobeying God’s Will... regarding marriage...!

For I myself had done so... I am ashamed to confess... running away from my difficult to live with... moody husband... a childish... petulant... drop dead gorgeous... movie star handsome... French/Canadian... whom my Heavenly Father Had Commanded me to marry... in my 6th year in SUBUD... when I was 37... but still looking twenty years younger...! ... not just once... but three times...!

And how I had always been Brought back to him... by Being Commanded to do so... by my Guardian Angel... Telling me... that there was only one place on earth for me... and that it was beside my husband... even from as far away as South Africa... having left him... the last time... on a trimaran... floating somewhere... in the Caribbean Sea...!

Upon which Luzilla responded... by informing me... that God Had Had Nothing To Do... with her marrying her husband... who was very much younger than she was... but that it had been entirely through her own intentions... and influencing of him...!

Whereupon... realizing that her situation... was nothing like mine... I told her about our SUBUD Sister... the International Hungarian movie star... (Eva) Ilaina Bartok... who was charmingly trying to get me to join her... in Hawaii... and would she surrender to Allah Almighty God... with me... to get some Guidance from Him... about the matter...

She readily agreed... but then started to focus a great deal of attention... on my right arm... which was in a cast... at the time... yet again... and yet again... afflicted with tendonitis...!

(That incredible experience... of a Miraculous Deliverance... from being killed outright... when all six foot two of me... tripped... and fell down... head first... down a steep outdoor staircase... to the cement floor below... is fully described... in the sequel to this book... my Spiritual Odyssey...)

Noticing Luzilla’s intent concentration... I found myself opening up to her... about the curious fact... that I seemed to injure my right arm... frequently... through tripping... and falling down... from my great height... of now six foot two... sometimes resulting in tendonitis... requiring casts to be wrapped around it... for months at a time... just like it now was... for the second time... during her visit to my apartment... that day...!

And as I expressed my wonderment to her... she began to Receive strange images... about me... and my mother... telling me that she had something important to tell me... after our surrender together... to Allah Almighty God... regarding joining Ilaina Bartok in Hawaii...

During our sincere worship... of the One Allah Almighty God... in the Latihan Kejiwaan of SUBUD... I Received that I would be “foolish” ... and “hungry” ... if I went to Hawaii... to join Ilaina Bartok... and my SUBUD Sister Luzilla... Received that I would be going to Hawaii... but not alone... but with my future husband... either deliberately omitting to tell me... that the man she was talking about... would actually be her own unwanted husband... or not having Received that fact...!

(This has been a most unique SUBUD union of marriage... my very last... on earth... between twelve years younger Farlan and myself... which was largely Jiwa to Jiwa... (Inner to Inner)... and wherein we were Forbidden... to relate to each other... from our hearts... and which was Perfectly Orchestrated... Directed... and Guided... by Almighty Allah...!

A very deep Inner bond... which lasted for seven incredibly interesting years... until my first Allah-Willed Stroke... when I was fifty-two and a half... which kept me bedridden... for a further seven years... suffering one God-Willed Stroke after another... still married to Farlan... but in name only... Almighty Allah Having Stopped our sexual union... for all time... after only seven years...!

And during which time... while I lay bedridden... I was Commanded... by my Creator... to begin writing my epics... usually for ten hours at a time... subsisting on only water... during the daytime...!

All also fully detailed... in my sequel to this book...)

When our worship was over... with both of us feeling very quiet... and at peace... within ourselves... Luzilla began to tell me... that my right arm... was particularly connected... to my mother... and that I had used it against her... in a very bad way... in a previous incarnation...!

And she unfolded for me... a fascinating episode... of a lifetime... in ancient Roman times... when my mother and I were connected... as mother and daughter... and were fervent Christians... and how my faith... had been very strong... while jam-packed in a dungeon... with many other Christians... even while knowing... that our terrible fate... was to be devoured by lions... in the great Colosseum of Rome... at any moment...!

Apparently... I had encouraged everybody... imprisoned with me... to have courage... and be strong of heart... and faith... trying to comfort them... reassuring everybody... that in only just a little while... we would all be with Jesus and God... in Heaven...!

However... when my mother and I were roughly pushed... together... into the huge arena... by Roman guards... and I saw the ferocious lions... with their mouths all bloody... from having attacked previous victims... my strong... faithful heart of courage... had suddenly failed me... and I became so deathly afraid... that I pushed my mother... in front of me... with my right arm... to be devoured... by the lions first... before me...!

And because I had done... such a terrible thing... I had reaped an enormous Karmic Debt... which would involve my right arm... and also my heart... which had lost courage... and faith...!

And that is why I had suffered the physical heart affliction... all my life... and why there was no sympathy for me... at all... from others... when they saw me suffering... with heart palpitations...!

Not until during my first SUBUD marriage... in my third year in SUBUD... when for the very first time... in my life... I was given the tender loving sympathy... and loving concern... that I had always yearned for... from my French/Dutch husband Rene... when he happened to witness one of the attacks... for the very first time...!!!

It was right after I returned from the hospital... visiting a terminally ill friend... at the request of his wife... to whom an Angel of God Had Appeared... Telling her... that her husband could not leave earth... unless her friend... Grazia... visited him... who was deathly afraid to die... to help him with his transition... to the Glorious Afterlife...! (That Miraculous Experience... of becoming a Divine Channel... to "Open"... and "Awaken..." his Inner self... at the instant... before he peacefully left earth... is also fully detailed... in “From Seven Hells...”)

Luzilla’s revelation was astonishing... for I had long kept my heart affliction... a secret from others... except for doctors... as much as possible... suffering them in a kind of shameful silence... and now understood perfectly... why... from the very beginning... when they first started... when I was about eight... Papa had been so indifferent about them... giving me no sympathy... whatsoever...!

And I also finally understood... why my mother... whom I had always worshipped... and adored... could never truly love... or trust me... because her soul... was aware of my gross betrayal... although... because of our long thirteen years of separation... from each other... I was blissfully unaware... of her distasteful... bare tolerance of me...!

And it was not until I got her Gloriously “Opened...” and “Awakened...” into the Miracle of SUBUD... when I was 33... and she was 55... that she Was Made to openly confess to me... by Almighty God... how much I had always been a repugnant thorn... in her side...!

(There is much more about our strange love/hate relationship... during our connected lives... while living in South Africa... revealed in my sequel to this book...)

Whereas I began paying my Karmic “heart debt” ... at a very early age... my “right arm debt” ... escalated... from being hurt... through trips and falls... during my second SUBUD marriage... when I was 37... and in my 6th year in SUBUD... having finally Received... after three years of living Hell... the Command from my Heavenly Father... to divorce my die hard alcoholic... unfaithful... actively bi-sexual husband Rene...!

(Those turbulent relationships... of first living a Hellish married life... with a French/Dutch... bon vivant hotelier... the spitting image of movie star Charles Boyer... for three agonizing years... and then with a moody... handsome French/Canadian... also for three... turbulent... roller coaster years... and how I left him... being my third husband... three times... against the Will of God... are also fully described... in “From Seven Hells...”)

Perhaps my keen Inner awareness... throughout my life... Given to me... by my Heavenly Father... Allah Almighty God... when I was about seven... is due to the fact... that I have Been Made very aware... by Him... that this is my final incarnation... on the planet earth...

Incidentally... about three years ago... when I was seventy-six... I Was Made to suffer... the very last of my Karmic Debt... of tendonitis... which... because of my advanced physical age... took twice longer to heal... than the usual six months...!

And... when Commanded by Almighty Allah... once again... to write... in obeying Him... I had to learn to use the fingers of my left hand only... on the keyboard of my computer...! And still squinting... with only the use of my left eye... since my right eyesight remains blurry... and useless...!

Chapter 15
Papa’s Unexpected... Very Rare Acts Of Kindness... Towards His Secretly "Darling Nadia"...!

Sitting propped up against the smelly sack... on the Chinese junk... on that unforgettable night of November 9th... 1941... still feeling full of doom and gloom... I found myself agonizing over the fact... that I had become such a huge disappointment to Papa... the older I got...

Feeling so guilty and ashamed... in my blind... ignorant adoration of him... I never once contemplated the fact that he... whom I admired so much... was treating me... his youngest daughter... so unfairly... and so cruelly... and that he could not possibly love me... after all...!

I kept reminding myself... how the doctor had hinted... that the heart attacks would cease... once I was fully grown... and I longed for that day... when I would be fully restored... into Papa Rau's good graces... once again... vowing fervently to myself... that I would make it all up to him... I would become the world class... Olympic champion... of his secretly "darling Nadia"... some day... even if it killed me...!

And as the awful heart lurching palpitations continued... on a regular basis... finally forcing me... to give up all my favorite sports... I was in despair... falling into a deep state of depression...!

I was so unhappy... and bewildered... that the day came... when I was about eleven... when I was even barely able... to eat my food... which was usually never a problem for me... because I had such a voracious appetite... always hungry... as my body kept growing... and growing...!

Until Papa surprised me... one day... soon after... by unexpectedly coming home... in the middle of the afternoon...!

He was carrying a bulky package... under his arm... and as we happened to accidentally meet each other... on the Mount Everest staircase - he on his way up... and I on my way down - coming abreast of each other... without looking up at me... he had abruptly thrust the brown parcel... which was large and heavy... at my chest... with a curt...:

"For you!"

Startled and puzzled... nearly losing my balance... I had sat down hard on the step... clutching the mysterious parcel... close to my chest... then eaten up with curiosity... had unwrapped the paper covering... then and there...!

And... bowled over with delight... was amazed to see two brand new books... "The Prince and the Pauper" ... by Mark Twain... and "Goodnight Sweet Prince" ... being the biography... of none other than one of the greatest Shakespearean actors of all time... Papa's striking look-alike... John Barrymore...!

As I marvelled at the profile portrait of the great man... illustrated on the book's cover... so identical to Theodore Rau’s... very moved... and with tears stinging my eyes... I had looked up the staircase... to thank Papa... but he had already disappeared around the landing...

I was deeply touched - what a strange unpredictable man... Papa Rau was... exercising so much harsh discipline... upon me... for weeks... and months... on end... then exhibiting such a loving... complete turnaround gesture of kindness...!

Holding the two precious books... in my hands... I was reminded of the first time... besides all the expensive silk kimonos... and pajama sets... from his import/export business empire... that Papa kept giving me... upon his return... from his weeks long business trips abroad... as gifts... for no rhyme... or reason... except his great love for me...:

He happened to be away... in New York... at the time... on an extended business/pleasure trip... with his brand new wife... and I had contracted chicken pox... forced to spend endless weeks... in quarantine... with Miss MacLean... our elderly Canadian math teacher... in her charming hillside house...

I remember the morning very well - I was about six and a half at the time... and my body was itching all over... like crazy... from the ugly red spots...

And as I sat in my bed... exasperated... trying very hard not to scratch myself... the door suddenly opened... and in walked tall... gaunt Miss MacLean... beaming... with a great big parcel in her hands...!

It was postmarked New York... and I got very excited... and practically ripped the paper covering off... in my eagerness to see what my adored Papa... had obviously sent me...

And could hardly believe my eyes... when I beheld... not just one present... but two... one being a large flattish box... and the other what looked like a miniature sea-going trunk...!

Dying of curiosity... my maddening itching... totally forgotten for the moment... I pulled the lid off the box... and squealed with delight... to see rows and rows... of chocolate brown lollipops... all shaped... and designed... just like golf balls...!

And when I opened up the doors of the quite heavy... silvery steel trunk... there... to my utter delight... standing in one side of it... was a genuine Shirley Temple doll... dressed in an outfit... from one of her movies... complete with her trademark curly... golden ringlets... and adorable dimples...!

And in the other side... was a complete replica wardrobe... of more outfits... from all the movies Shirley Temple... had starred in... her dresses hanging up neatly on a rail...!

There were even darling little pairs of shoes... standing side by side... in little shoe racks... below the dresses...! And underneath the platform... three drawers... in which were her underwear... and other accessories... neatly folded...

I was so thrilled... to get such unexpected... wonderful gifts... from my adored Papa... from overseas - I had been so fearful... that he would be very annoyed... that I had finally become ill... with my very first childhood disease... for one of his favorite sayings was...:

“If you’re physically fit... you’ll never get sick...!”

This was something... which he believed... with all his heart... boasting that he had never been sick... a day in his life...!

And I had been expecting a scathing letter from him... chiding me jeeringly... for being so weak... as to contract such a laughable... stupid disease... as Chicken Pox...!

From ever since I could remember... from my earliest years... when he undertook to personally... and vigorously train me... physically... he had been so proud... always boasting... that his darling little Nadia... never had colic... whooping cough... or any of the other babyhood illnesses... no siree... not his little darling...!

And here... out of the blue... had come these beautiful presents... and even with a lovely Get Well card... with a huge red heart... saying... in his own handwriting...:

"To My Darling Nadia"...

And signed... "Regards From Your Papa"...

Then there had been that other time... when Papa had suddenly decided... one Saturday afternoon... to take me alone with him... to see my very first Deanna Durbin movie... "100 Men and a Girl" (#1709 of the Little Cilandak Video Library) ... when I was about ten and a half...!

And I had thrilled... every time Deanna sang... utterly enchanted by the rich... clear... bell-like timbre... of her beautiful voice... remarkably like my own... I was told by Papa...!

And... somehow... probably while on business in Tokyo... soon after that memorable day... when we had spent a rare afternoon... out alone together... he had found what he knew... would make me delirious with joy... coming home... with a special album of Deanna Durbin's records for me... with her smiling face... from scenes in her movies... featured in a charming round portrait... in the middle of every record...!

And I had been so deeply touched... to have been so specially considered... even though the nights continued to be still torturous... being forced by him... to endure the attacks... of the dreaded "aburamushis..."!

And now these unexpected books... just as I was wondering... about taking up reading... in earnest... since I could no longer revel gloriously... in my favorite sports...

Papa must have finally accepted... the irreversible fact... that my athletic days... were over for good... and that I would never become... the world class athletic champion... that he had so long hoped for...

Not ever since he had first thoroughly examined my body... as a two month old baby... making astonished remarks... to his young wife Vera... about the extraordinariness... of my already exceptionally long body... long legs... and arms... and fingers... a perfect specimen for athletics... that he was going to train... as soon as I was able to walk...!

And as far as my slightly crossed eyes were concerned... he would soon fix that...! And he did... by patiently... and carefully focusing... all his attention... on exercising my eyes... until they were no longer crossed... taking him about a month... before he was satisfied... that I had perfect eyesight... before I was four months old...!

(I found out about all of Papa’s plans for me... when my mother enlightened me... when I was in my mid thirties... about how much Papa had loved me... at first sight... deciding... on the spot... to give me his name... and raise me as his daughter... even though I might not be of his own flesh and blood...!)

Gazing down at my precious gifts of books... I decided then and there... at the age of about eleven... that somehow... Papa did love me after all... even though he never said so... nor did he ever express any real... physical affection... towards me... neither by word... nor by touch...!

Aside from riding on his shoulders... when I was little... either when we climbed our yamas together... or when we went to the Japanese "Yuya" communal baths... happily splashing naked... in the pools together... in the evenings... when I was a tyke... and playing "horsey horsey"... and being tickled by him... I could not ever remember... being hugged tightly... to his chest... in a loving embrace... nor ever having been kissed by him... on my cheek... or anywhere else...!

By the same token... neither had he ever laid a hand on me in anger... either by spanking me... or taking hold of my long body... and shaking it... in exasperation...!

For years now... ever since the advent of Xenia... the love of Papa's life... when I was about five... a few months before he and Mummie divorced... and they both remarried... the only times I felt his hands... was when I wasn't moving fast enough for him... and he would give me a playful whack... on my bottom... at the same time saying...:

“Allez-op...!"

And I... in turn... trusting him completely... would invariably turn around... giggle... and as our eyes met... in a secret affectionate language... all our very own... we both would laugh our private little laugh... then grinning at each other... impulsively explode... in unison... with a...:

"Nov shmoz kapop...!"

This was the favorite expression... of our mutually favorite cartoon character... "The Little King" ... and which had become our very own special... secret saying...

This very rare... brief moment of shared intimacy... would invariably disgruntle Xenia... who hated being made to feel left out... and she would glare at me... with undisguised resentment... at her beloved Theo's rare display of affection... towards his youngest daughter...

She would whine pettily... and poor Papa... would feel guilty... and I would once again... become the brunt of his angry frustration... at always being forced to choose... between his beloved wife... and in the deepest recesses... of his heart and soul... his secretly precious... "darling Nadia"...!

Chapter 16
“Ah Ha...! The Devil Made You Do It...!”

Then the Black Day came... soon after Papa's most unexpected gifts of books... when he... overhearing me Praising my Heavenly Father... out loud... in song... when I thought myself to be all alone... in the house... had become inordinately jealous... for he could hear... by the tone of my voice... how fervently I loved Him...

And he embarked... on yet another idea... to diabolically torment me... deciding cruelly... to work on undermining... my precious faith... in my Beloved God... in the following manner...!:

In entering my adolescent phase... prematurely... during the past year... and already standing at five foot seven inches tall... I became very clumsy... feeling very awkward... and self-conscious... about the obvious signs... of my developing female form... which often made me feel unsure of myself... and off balance...

For instance... of a sudden... objects held in my hand... such as chinaware... as I was carrying out my daily duty... of laying out the dinner table... would invariably slip through my fingers... and crash to the floor... shattering to pieces...

And Papa would choose to use these incidents... to his advantage... and instead of getting angry with me... which was his normal reaction... when I displeased him... rebuking me with sharp words... he would decide... perversely... to taunt me... by pouncing on me... startling me out of my wits... pointing his finger... at the mess I had made... and gleefully crowing...:

"Ah ha...! The devil made you do it...!"

The first time it happened... I had reacted so startled... at this sudden turnaround of his... shocked down to my toes... that I found it very hard to believe... that my very own father... could be so diabolical...! This was an exceptionally mean... sadistic... dark side of him... I had never seen before...!

But as the days wore on... he never missed an opportunity... to cruelly taunt... and tease me... with the devil... even when I suddenly had difficulty... one day... in tying my shoelaces properly...!

And I became extremely nervous... and started to believe... that perhaps... I had somehow slipped into the hands... and control... of Satan...!

And thus... having fallen... from the Divine Grace... of my Heavenly Father... I had gradually sunk to feeling... that I no longer had any right... to intimately confide in Him... at all hours of the day and night... as I had been doing... ever since I could remember...!

This dreadful... worthless feeling inside me... lasted... for a whole year... until we left Japan... when overnight... it seemed... Papa abruptly stopped taunting me... with the devil...

And to my great relief... my strong faith in God... was instantly restored... and I felt even more Blissfully Worthy... feeling like one of His Cherished daughters... once again...!

Chapter 17
A Very Unique... Japanese Babyhood...!

Trying to cheer myself up... in that scary... pitch “Black Hell Hole of China...”... I thought of my earliest memory... of happy existence... in this life... as a two and a half... to five year old... living in Kobe... Japan...

The city where I promptly and easily made friends... not only with the children... of my father’s business associates... and employees... but with all the Nipponese "kodomo" (children) in the village... as well... adjacent to the street... at the end of which our large European-style house... made of brick... and complete with modern plumbing... stood...

Since I spoke fluent Hiragana... (the language of the upper-classes) ... already in Peking... as a two year old... without ever yet having stepped foot on Japanese soil... and without ever having been taught...! ... I was instantly and naturally accepted... as one of them... and was welcome... in every single one of their wood-and-paper "uchis" (houses)...

The "oya" (parents) of my "tomodachis" (friends)... always treated me... as one of the family... and I was forever invited... to sit down on their "tatami" (woven straw floor mat) ... which stretched across the room... and upon which a low... lacquered table stood...

There... in the cozy welcoming atmosphere... I would partake of their delicious Japanese delicacies... such as "Sushi"... (filled rice rolls encased in sheets of edible "nori" (seaweed)... "Sashimi" (raw tuna fish) ... “Komekeki” (salty rice cakes) ... “O Sembei” (rice and sesame seed crackers) ... and other culinary delights...

It quickly became a habit for me... to run from house to house... happily nibbling something at each family's low... communal table... knowing that sooner or later... my latest Amah... Suzuki-san... who came into my life... when I was about four and and a bit... would be coming in search of me... calling out...:

"Sera-chan...! Sera-chan...! ... Iku katei...!" (come home...)

First taking off my shoes... then observing the ritual of solemnly bowing... to my gracious hosts... in the customary... grave greeting of...:

"Konnichi-wa...! Gokigen ikaga desu-ka...?" (Good day... How are you?)

Then being greeted... in return... with smiles... and more deferential bowing...:

"Irasshaimase Sera-chan...! Warera-wa genki desu..." (Welcome Sera-chan...! We are in good spirits...)

Then being told please... to help myself to their "tabemono" (food)...:

"Dozo... meshi-agatte kudasai..."

Remembering to politely reply... with more solemn bowing...:

"Arigato-gozaimasu... Itadakimasu..." (Thank you... I am most honored by your generosity...)

Then after sitting down on my haunches... at the low... laquered table... and quickly stuffing down as much food... as I politely could... declaring... with more solemn bowing...:

"Gochiso-sama... arigato-gozaimasu..." (It was delicious... thank you...)

And I would always remember... to heartily belch the expected... traditional words of...:

“Sh... kee...!” (pronounced cay)

This was uttered... as a compliment... to the "haha" (mother)... whom I much preferred to address colloquially... as "okaa-san"... who had cooked the delicious food...

All these traditions... I happily observed... and Suzuki-san... sent by my mother... to fetch me home for lunch... would usually find me... in the last house of the village...

I loved the whole ritual... of Japanese socializing... and often wished that I could just stay there... in my "tomodachi's uchis"... for I always felt... completely at home amongst them...!

Gripping my hand firmly in hers... scolding... Suzuki-san would lead me away from my Nippon no tomodachis... back home to my European house...

And while she tugged... at my reluctant body... urging me to "isogu" (hurry up) ... I would hold back... all the while protesting loudly...

I hated having to go home... to observe the European custom... of being forced to sit on a hard... wooden chair... at a much-too-high-for-me table... barely level with my chin... (baby high chairs were unavailable in Japan at the time)...

I much preferred... by far... the comfortable Japanese custom... of sitting on my haunches... on a soft cushion... on a tatami floor...

Leisurely eating off a low... six inch high table... on which I had a perfect view... of the sumptuous display... of delicately painted... red and black lacquer bowls... and fine... see-through china... always filled with deliciously flavored delicacies of fish... and other seafoods... vegetables... rice and noodles... and the traditional bowl of raw eggs... and sauces... from sweet to savory...

I also rebelled... at the cumbersome handling... of heavy... European silverware... awkward for a three to four year old's small hands... even though I had my very own... engraved sterling silver... shovel-like pusher... which I obstinately insisted on calling... "cusher"... no matter how many times I was told... that it was a "pusher" ...and not a "cusher"...

I much preferred the easy handling of weightless... wooden or ivory "hashi" (chopsticks)... which use I had mastered... in no time flat...

They were always elaborately decorated... either brightly lacquer-painted... with fierce-looking... red fire-breathing golden dragons... or delicately inlaid... with bits of translucent mother-of-pearl... which reflected the light... in myriad prisms of color... or painted with the delicate blooms of cherry blossoms... and other exotic flowers... or colorful little birds...

Furthermore... I barely tolerated European cooking... It held no surprises - you ate what you saw - whereas Japanese cuisine... often consisted of rolls... or squares of pastry... or balls of rice... always with hidden... intriguing... secret... highly seasoned ingredients inside... Much more exciting... colorful and tasty... than ordinary... unappetizing-looking and bland tasting... European food... seasoned only with salt and pepper - to my budding... discerning palate... anyway...

Naturally... Suzuki and I could never go home... without first observing the daily ritual... of checking in all the ditches... en route to our house... something that I stubbornly insisted on doing... no matter how much my Amah protested... that we would be late for lunch...

Looking for the easily recognizable burlap sacks... which contained new-born kittens... which the Nipponese... in wanting to get rid of them... were in the habit of heartlessly trying to drown... I would think nothing of standing ankle-deep... in smelly sewage... grasping the sacks... before they were swept away... in the torrent of filthy dirty water...

While I... with the reluctant help of Suzuki... hauled the heavy sacks... out of the ditch... opening them up... to examine the limp... lifeless little bodies inside... helpless... tiny creatures... with their eyes still closed... my heart would break... balking at the cruelty... of my fellow countrymen... for I... vividly recalling... my previous incarnation... as a Japanese... fully believed myself to be a Nipponese... and not European...!

Not even once noticing... the huge difference... in our appearances... while they were all pale brown skinned... with black eyes... and black hair... and on the small side... I... in utter contrast... was white-skinned... with blue eyes... and golden blonde hair... and usually towered... way above them...!

And whenever I found a tiny body... that was still warm... which had somehow Miraculously escaped being drowned... with all the others... I would be so thrilled and happy...

Nestling the tiny creature... close to my breast... cooing reassuringly... to the trembling little thing in my arms... I would take it home with me... lovingly nursing it...

One cold winter's day... when I was about four and a half years old... I rescued five little new-born kittens... from one of the village ditches... and taking them home with me... put them inside the kitchen stove... for warmth and safety... after carefully feeding them a saucer of warm milk... from an eyedropper tube...

Then suddenly anxious... to get to the new animal book... that my adored Mummie had just given me... knowing that the weather was much too cold and windy... to play outdoors that afternoon... I happily skipped out of the kitchen... into the dining room... intending to wolf down the unappetizing European food of... in all probability... a heavy... difficult to cut slab... of some kind of meat... with mashed potatoes... green peas... and thick brown gravy... for which I had no appetite... anyway... having already gorged myself... on delicious Japanese food... at my tomodachis’ houses...!

And my thoughts now only on wanting to get the repulsive lunch over with... so that I could go to my room... to enjoy reading my new book... in my eager preoccupation... I had forgotten to warn Cook-san... about my tiny new friends... sleeping in the kitchen stove...

When it was dinner time... my head happily full of the new images of animals and birds... from my new book... I went to the kitchen... to see how my tiny little friends were doing... to feed them some more warm milk... and give them some more tender loving... But when I stooped down... and opened the bottom stove door... all I saw in front of me... were a pile of black-grey ashes...!

Puzzled... I just stood there... wondering what on earth had happened to my tiny little pets... Then... becoming frantic... I ran all around the kitchen... searching everywhere for them... in the cupboards... underneath the sink... even in the pantry... finally attracting Cook-san's attention...

When he asked me... what I was looking for... as he busily ladled out steaming bowls of soup... for the family... and I told him... his face blanched... becoming as white as a sheet... Unable to look me in the eye... he scolded me to hurry up... and get myself into the dining room... before Mama-san came looking for me...

But I refused to budge... Standing in front of him... my feet planted firmly... in defiance... I demanded to know... what had happened to my little "konekos" (kittens)... for I was convinced he knew...

As I glared way up... at his roly-poly face... to my amazement... I saw a single fat tear... roll slowly down his cheek...! And stammering and stuttering... between many pleadings of "Gomen na sai"... (forgive me)... bowing over and over deferentially... still holding the soup ladle in his hand... he hesitatingly told me... that he had lit a fire... in the stove... totally unaware... that there were little "konekos"... fast asleep inside...!

Shocked at Cook-san's halting words... realizing that he had inadvertently burned the poor little creatures to death... I had let out my very first scream of anguish... making Mummie dash into the kitchen... to investigate...

Sobbing as if my heart was breaking... I poured out my tale of woe to her... blaming myself over and over... for having been so careless... in forgetting to warn Cook-san... not to light the stove... until he had taken the little kittens out first...

No matter how much Mummie tried to console her darling little Tzi-Tzi... reassuring her that she was not to blame... for the terrible tragedy... in my heart of hearts... I knew that I was...

Inconsolable with grief... my heart engulfed... with a heavy feeling of guilt... I had moped around the house... for days on end... chastising myself... over and over... for having been so thoughtless and careless... feeling like a callous murderess...!

And during the guilt-laden... heavy night hours... I had suffered screaming nightmares... lasting for weeks afterwards... after which... upon awakening in the mornings... I could not help but feel... that I richly deserved them... as atonement...

We were never allowed to have dogs... for pets... the reason being... that after Papa Rau... when he was a bachelor... had been forced to have his beloved Great Dane... King... destroyed... for killing another dog... in the neighborhood... he had been so overwhelmed... with his sense of loss... that he had vowed... never to own another dog... ever again...

Chapter 18
My Happiest Times... At The Communal "Nippon no Yuya" (Japanese Bathhouse)... Splashing About Stark Naked... In The Huge Pools... With My Adored Papa...!

Trying to lift myself out of the all-encompassing feeling of gloom and doom... sitting in the stinking... pitch black "Hell Hole of China..." ... I found myself going back to my early childhood... as a little "chibikko" (tot)... and how thoroughly enchanted I was... to be reveling in the Japanese custom... of attending the communal "Yuya" (bathhouse) ... every evening... with Papa... who always took me with him...

And he would either hold me by my hand... or hoist me up onto his shoulders... as we joined the throngs of Japanese families... men... women and little children... altogether... from the adjacent village...

Every evening... whenever Papa was back home... either from his office... or from his business trip abroad... at 6:00 o'clock sharp... he and I would wend our way leisurely down the road together... dressed in our traditional... light-weight silk kimonos... and "getas" (wooden clogs)... first bowing to our left... then bowing to our right... smiling... greeting each family of villagers with...:

"Kom-ban-wa... Gokigen ikaga desu-ka?" (Good evening... how are you?)...

And Papa and I would be greeted right back... with bows and broad smiles... as they saw the little blonde-haired girl... sitting perched way up high... on her father's broad shoulders... holding onto his curly golden head... cooing away happily...

Some of the "chichis" (fathers) ... whom I much preferred to address colloquially... as "oto-san" ... would copy Papa... hefting their little "chibikkos"... up onto their own shoulders... as well...!

We felt very much at home with them... for Papa had already been observing this nightly custom.. for a good many years... ever since coming to Japan some twenty years earlier... when he was about 21...

I loved the steamy hot... cavernous atmosphere... bathing and splashing about... stark naked in the huge tiled pools... of crystal clear... blue water... some of which contained hot water... and others cold water...

There was even a large... stinky... sulfur bath...

All the men... women and children there... were also always completely... and naturally... stark naked... and this custom... served to make me feel very natural... about my own naked body... and I would think nothing of walking around nude... in the house... even to this very day...

And since I was already used to seeing Papa's stark naked body... walking around the house... I paid very little attention... to the things hanging down between the men and boys' legs...

Until one evening... when a beautiful young girl... walked into the crowded Yuya... stark naked...

And as she gracefully paraded... around one of the pools... with her pointed breasts... unusually large... for a Japanese girl... proudly sticking out... I suddenly noticed... how some of the naked men... standing around the pool... reacted to her... admiring her beauty... just like I was...

And as I watched them... sitting in the pool with my Papa... all of a sudden... I saw the dangling things between some of their legs... shooting straight out...!

And at the same time... I noticed that some of them were big... and fat... and some of them on the small... and skinny side...!

And becoming very excited... pointing at the men... I had called out... in English... knowing it would please my Papa... that I was beginning to learn the strange language...:

"Papa-san... Look...! Look at the men's hanging things...! Just before... they were fast asleep...! And now... when the beautiful naked lady came in... some of them have woken up...!"

And Papa-san... becoming aware of his darling little daughter's obvious curiosity... and pleased that she was speaking English... very wisely decided to enlighten her... also speaking in English...:

"Well... my darling Nadia... those dangling things you are calling hanging things... are known as "soseiji" (sausages)...!"

This explanation seemed to satisfy me for a while... But then... something else dawned on me... and I asked my Papa...:

"But tell me... Papa-san... why are some of the "soseiji" big and fat... and some of them small...?"

And my father... after thinking for a little while... answered...:

"Well... the men carry their money in their "soseiji"... So that the big and fat ones... show that they are rich... and the small ones show that they are poor...!"

Then I noticed something... just as the beautiful young naked lady... walked by again... and squealed... pointing...:

"Look Papa-san... that man over there was very poor... and now he is very rich...!"

Sad to say... when I was about five years old... these exciting... intimate times of happily bathing... splashing about... and playing in the huge pools... with my adored Papa... in the communal Yuya ... came to an abrupt end... with the momentous advent of Xenia Bogoluboff... who was to become the love of his life...

And not only did he stop taking me to the Yuya with him... every evening... but he also stopped going altogether... himself... after he set up house... with his new beloved...!

Furthermore... he very rarely conversed with me intimately... in Japanese... such as he had been doing... on our early morning hikes... up and down the yama... behind his house... after our rigorous physical exercises... in his attic gym... or hiking through the magnificent mountains of Japan... on weekends... or during our nightly sojourns... to the Yuya together...

Chapter 19
My Very First... Devastating... "Dark Night Of The Soul"... Aboard A Chinese Junk... In the Stinking Bowels... Of The “Black Hell Hole Of China..."!

Suddenly frightened... and disoriented... I was jerked back to the reality... of my unsettling plight... on board the Chinese junk... by the sound of movement nearby...

And it dawned on me... that it must be around eleven at night... on this... the ninth day of November...1941... Remo’s Angel Dream... In Which He Was Told... That He And His Family... Would Be Leaving Japan... On That Date... having come true...!

(It so happens... also... that on that very date... my last husband to be... born a Libra... on October 17th ... 1941... in Mississippi... in the United States of America... a genius... and being a direct descendant... of the famous General Andrew “Stonewall” Jackson... was only 24 days old...!!! Mind boggling... yes...?)

Gaining a little courage... I groped tentatively around me... and noticed that there were large... dusty sacks... propped up everywhere... Very grateful that at least... I would have something soft... to lean my head against... I settled back down gingerly... on the slimy... damp floor...

And just as I wondered again... what had happened to the rest of my family... wondering whether they too... had been hastily stowed away... like pathetic fugitives... elsewhere on the junk... or was I really abandoned by them... and all alone... to my enormous relief... I heard Papa's voice... and it seemed to loom eerily... out of the pitch black darkness...:

"Is everybody all right...?”

His voice sounded anxious... at first... then relieved at the murmured responses... of his family around him... Although he did not hear a peep... out of the "dumb cluck"... because her throat was still constricted with fear...

Then... as my eyes adjusted... to the inky blackness... of the hold... I noticed... that my dear... precious sister Prima... was sitting right next to me...! And that happy realization... made me feel instantly safe and secure - it sure was wonderful having her shoulder touching mine...

But then she suddenly grabbed my arm tightly... pinching me painfully... and I felt her whole body trembling...!

Instantly... my overwhelming fear... of a moment ago... immediately left me... and our roles became reversed - I became the protector... and comforter... and she the protected... and comforted...!

My beloved sister Prima... was terrified of the dark... ever since her Papa... determined to curb her untamed... wild gypsy spirit... had begun to lock her up in a dark closet... when she was just a little tyke... often leaving her in pitch black darkness... for hours on end... as punishment...

But he never succeeded... in altering her natural wayward disposition... and the tragedy... is that all his efforts... only resulted... in her becoming terrified of total darkness... a sad affliction... that would haunt her... for the rest of her life...!

All of a sudden... there was a rumbling noise... way up above our heads... and I realized that it was the ominous sound of the hatch closing... imprisoning us...!

And it gave me the horrible... unnerving sensation that... from that moment on... we would be doomed to stay sealed... down in that stinking black pit... reminding me of “The Black Hole of Calcutta...”... and which I was now calling... “The Black Hell Hole of China...”... forever and ever... maybe even beyond... and for the rest of our lives... into Eternity...!

Immediately... I felt totally cut off... from the rest of the world... convinced that we were lost... and forgotten... abandoned for all time...! And there was a sense of hopeless finality... deep within my soul...!

Not even the sound of Papa's familiar voice... disembodied in the darkness... which should have been reassuring... suggesting that we all try to get some sleep now... could dispel the awful sense of doom... and gloom... that now engulfed my petrified senses...!

Nothing... but absolutely nothing... had prepared me... for this total claustrophobic... stifling... stinking blackness - the very first in my life - not even being able to see my hand... in front of my face... was terribly unnerving...

The suffocating ambience around me... was reducing me to fits of shuddering... quickly scaring me out of my wits... as never before...!

As far as my frightened sister was concerned... being now much taller than she was... I was seemingly a source of comfort to her... patting her hand... and hugging her reassuringly... from time to time...

But inside the very core of my being... I was feeling so very much isolated... that not even the touch of Prima's shoulder next to mine... could quell the utterly overwhelming sense of hopelessness... and despair... churning inside the very depths of my soul...!

I was realizing... as never before... that we were utterly helpless... in the hands... and at the mercy... of total strangers... menacing... slit-eyed... yellow-skinned men... of the unfamiliar Chinese race... who... in a flash... it seemed... were now in absolute control... of our lives... and it was not a pleasant thought at all...!

This unnerving experience... was a complete turn-around for me... Normally... I was possessed of a sunny disposition... always looking on the bright side of things...

And now... looking at myself sitting there... on the damp... alimy... stinking floor... huddled next to my sister Prima... trying my very best to be brave... concentrating on getting myself calmed down and comfortable... I could not recognize my normally happy... optimistic... outgoing self at all...!

I tried to feel familiar about myself... tried to tune in to the heightened Inner Awareness... that my Heavenly Father... Had So Greatly Blessed me with... on that memorable... Miraculous Morning of His Revelation... when I was about seven years old...

But all I felt... was a horrible... empty hollowness...!

Feeling more and more desperate... I tried my usual practice... of inwardly talking... to my Heavenly Father... as fervently as I could... from the bottom of my heart... begging Him... over and over... to please Keep all of us safe from harm... trying to summon up my usually unshakable faith... that He Would Indeed Do So...

But my prayers sounded strangely hollow... and insincere... and I felt as if they were not going straight up to God... and reaching Him... as they usually did... but going right back into myself...!

And I still felt like a stranger... unto myself... my heart hammering with dread... having great difficulty... in recognizing this quivering mass of frightened nonentity... that I had become...!

It seemed as if Graziella... Sister Theresa's “Little Grace of God...”... of the strong... optimistic spirit... had "died"... and somebody else... full of pessimism... her jumbled thoughts... riddled with scenes of gloom... and doom... nagging doubts and fears... had taken her place...!

From snatches of conversation... that I overheard... between Papa and Remo... the Chinese junk was apparently in the harbor... illegally... and would not dare to stay there longer... than thirty minutes... at the most... for fear of being intercepted by the Japanese port authorities...!

Since there were no lights on board... and since there was no moonlight that night... I wondered how on earth we would be able to see where we were going... how we would be able to sail safely out to sea... under cover of pitch black darkness...!

Until I reminded myself... of the compasses... I had read about... in the exciting... swashbuckling adventure stories... written by Rafael Sabatini... all about pirates... and their plundering... and looting... on the bounding Spanish Main...

Then I found myself fearfully wondering... whether the crew of such a primitive craft... would even know about... or have such a navigating instrument on board... My thoughts were full of nothing... but nervous... gnawing anxiety...

Chapter 20
A Soul-Searing... Pink Elephants Story...!

Sitting on the slimy damp floor... in that pitch "Black Hell Hole of China" ... trembling... and deathly afraid... my nostrils clogged... with the stifling dust in the air... I suddenly "knew"... with a certainty... that I could not explain... that God... and even my Guardian Angel Friend... Had Utterly Deserted me... and that I was confined... to the very depths of Hell...!

Desperately wanting to Feel the Familiar... Comforting... Loving Presence... of my Heavenly Father... inside me... I found myself being reminded... of the fateful day... when my soul was shaken... to its very core... because of a monumental episode... which had made me feel... as if I had failed God... my beloved Heavenly Father... for the very first time in my life... wreaking anguish-filled chaos... in my soul... for a long... long time... afterwards...!

It happened one momentous Sunday... shortly before my mother's marriage to Uncle Alfred... when I was about five and a half...

Mummie happened to be talking to her oldest daughter... Prima... who was almost twelve years old... confiding to her how happily in love she was... with her darling Alfred... always treating Prima... more like a younger sister... than her daughter... having given birth to her... when she was barely seventeen...!

I had been playing... out in the long hallway... which had a peculiar upward rise... in the middle of it... which I loved to slide over and down... over and over... on its highly polished... shiny surface...

And as I was thus happily occupying myself... through the slightly open door... of my adored Mummie’s bedroom... I suddenly heard the Holy Word... “God”... mentioned by her... to my sister Prima...!

And I was utterly thrilled... at hearing His Beloved Holy Name... spoken out loud... by another human being... for the second time in my life... and ecstatic... that this time... it was by my adored mother...!

For His Holy Name... was Imprinted... deep in my soul... ever since I could remember... with nobody ever having bothered to tell me... of His Existence...!

As I marvelled... I heard a new word mentioned by her...: "church" ... as well... and for the very first time... in my life...!

The first time... I heard the Holy Word... "God"... spoken by another human being... was at the age of about four and a half... and by the famous German artist... who was painting a portrait of my exquisitely beautiful mother... when he prophesied about my future... telling her... that I had the Light of God... Shining in my eyes... and that I would be doing great things... with my beautiful hands... one day...! (The full story... of that wonderful... unforgettable event... is told in Part 3... of this saga... under Chapter 17...)

Now really listening to them talking... my senses all keyed up... I overheard my mother and Prima talking about "going to church... to pray to God together"... and something about asking for His Blessings... upon her forthcoming marriage... to her beloved Alfred...

Immediately overwhelmed with excitement... I burst in on them... full of breathless questions... about this intriguing place called "church" ... where one could... "pray to God"...!

And when my beautiful Mummie... who was sitting on her bed... with Prima next to her... laughingly explained... that the church represented God's House on earth... I became eager to go with them... for ever since I could remember... I had had an overwhelming curiosity... to see where God Lived... and what His House looked like... on earth...!

Surely God's House... must be made of pure gold... its walls sparkling with brilliant red rubies... robin's egg blue sapphires... and sea-green emeralds... its windowpanes... made of sparkling diamonds... quite certain in my mind... that there would be Beautiful... Shining Angels there... dressed all in white... carrying harps of gold... their Faces radiant... as They Joyously Sang their praises to God on High...

And the longing in me... to see it all... was so overpowering... that it hurt me in my chest... whenever I thought about it...!

I begged and pleaded with my Mummie... to be allowed "to go to church... to pray to God"... with them...

But for some reason... she thought her daughter... either too young... or perhaps she wanted her to keep her beautiful illusions... for a little while longer... could not bear the thought of seeing them being shattered... so cruelly... right before her eyes... loath to see the look of horror... and deep disappointment... on her face... to see no magnificent edifice... encrusted with jewels... nor Shining Angels... not at that tender age...

Ever since meeting Alfred... Mummie seemed much lighter and gayer... around the house... and on this particular morning... noticing how serious I was... intently gazing up at her... waiting for her answer... she had winked at Prima... then smiling down at me... had said... in that charming French/Italian accent of hers... :

"All right... Tzi-Tzi darling... you can go with us... but only if you find the pink elephants in the garden... first...!"

Without hesitating for an instant... believing implicitly in my mother... never considering for a single moment... the possibility that she would ever deceive me... I had raced outside... into the garden... convinced that it would be the easiest thing in the world... for me to find such large animals... and right away... for I had seen elephants... in my brand new animal book... so that I knew perfectly well... what they looked like...

But when I reached the garden... expecting them to be there... as large as life... right in front of my eyes... I was dismayed and puzzled... to find no elephants at all... let alone pink ones...!

Becoming frantic... I searched and searched... hunting high and low... racing from one end of the spacious garden... to the other... convinced that they must be there... somewhere... but all I could see... were the usual beds of pretty pink and yellow and lilac flowers... and lush green shrubbery...

Then the thought flashed through my mind... that perhaps I should be looking for teeny-weeny elephants... for after all... Mummie had not told me they were big... just that they were pink...! Maybe I had to earn the privilege... of being allowed to see "God's House"... the hard way... and could not just assume... that it would be easily granted to me...

Now believing this to be the case... I trotted off... circumnavigating the spacious garden... once more... made very aware that the garden... and everything in it... every exquisite bright flower... every finely grained leaf... of every bush... every green blade of grass... were all God's Wondrous Creation...

And with a feeling of reverence... as never before... I searched very carefully... tentatively groping under each bush... and each flower bed... gently parting the blades of grass... seeking the elusive pink elephants...

I wanted desperately to prove to God... that I was very sincere... and that I loved Him very much... And while I scrabbled on my hands and knees... searching earnestly... with a single-minded purpose... I told Him... that I would work very hard... to find those pink elephants... even if it took me all day...!

I was secretly hoping... in my heart... that God Would Reward me... by not only letting me into His House... to see all the beautiful Angels there... but to let me join in... in their singing Praises to Him... as well...!

Meanwhile... while I was hunting high and low... unbeknownst to me... Mummie and Prima had already gone to church... and come back...

And upon finding me... still in the garden... several hours later... on my hands and knees... panting... intently peering... into the same bushes... and the same flower beds... and parting the same blades of grass... over and over again... my mother became most alarmed... and concerned for me...

Realizing that she had been careless... with my trusting nature... Mummie told me... that it did not matter anymore... and that I could now stop searching for the pink elephants...

But finding them... had become an obsession with me... and I had to ultimately be carried off... kicking and screaming in protest... that I could not possibly fail God... terrified... that I would never be allowed to see His Glorious House... and His Beautiful... Shiny Angels...

I was heartbroken... for weeks afterwards... and inconsolable with remorse... certain that I had disappointed God...!

And as far as my mother was concerned... that episode taught her a great lesson... for she never again... was that carelessly thoughtless... towards her trusting little Tzi-Tzi darling...

Chapter 21
The Puzzling... Frightening... Unexplainable Little Scars... In The Intimate Area... Of My Groin...!

Sitting leaning against the huge canvas sack... on the Chinese junk... my mind still full of dark thoughts... once again... I thought about the puzzling... unexplainable marks... on the intimate part of my body... wondering for the umpteenth time... how they had gotten there...!

It was just before the Christmas holidays... when I was about seven and a half... shortly after that Miraculous Day... in Papa’s garden... when I Received the Wondrous Blessing... of Having my Inner Feeling... Greatly Widened... and Deepened... by my Beloved Heavenly Father...

(And it was also the Day... when He Gave me the Merciful Grace... of Removing all memory... of my terrifyingly helpless... babyhood sexual abuse... from about two and a half to four and a bit... at the hands of lowly "Daiku-sans"... when... sold to them... by her succession of village Amahs... they would “torishiraberu” (examine)... the "yoso no burondo sozobutsu" (strange blonde creature)... and sometimes slash at her... with their sharp glittering knives... curious to see... whether her "chi" (blood) flowed... as red as theirs did...!)

I happened to notice... one night... while I was towelling off my body... after a bath... at the ISY... that I had a series of peculiar-looking little scars... each one about two inches long... in... of all places... the crease of my left groin...!

They looked just like little stab wounds...!

And as I examined them closely... extremely puzzled... as to how they had gotten there... and in such an awkward... and intimate place... I suddenly became nauseated... the longer I stared... at the ugly bright red slashes of them...! And my heart started to hammer in my chest... making me break out... in a cold sweat... my body shivering with unexplainable dread...

Trying to reason... I told myself that it was absolutely ridiculous... that these small scars... could cause me such a frightening reaction...! And I tried to think back... wracking my brains... for a simple solution... to the puzzling mystery...

I must have fallen down... I thought... and some nail... or other sharp object... must have pierced my groin... somehow... but on closer inspection... they looked very much like deliberate gashes... by a knife... the scary thought of which... immediately gave me the shivers... all over again... making me want to vomit...!

Suddenly... the room was spinning around me... then darkness descended... shrouding me... plunging me into black oblivion...!

The next thing I knew... dear Mrs. Mendoza... our Hawaiian/Portuguese house mother... was hovering over my body... her warm... soft brown eyes full of anxiety...

And it took a moment for me to realize... that I must have lost consciousness... just like I did... when Papa took me to the bottom of the cliffs of “Seventh Heaven...”... in a rowboat... about two years earlier... to try to make me overcome... the terror of the place... having overheard me screaming in Japanese... in my sleep... about how I had drowned there...!

I was lying on the bathroom floor... stark naked... and immediately remembering the puzzling... very frightening little scars... on one of the most intimate locations... of my body... suddenly feeling very exposed... and vulnerable... wondering how on earth... I could explain to Mrs. Mendoza... the reason for my fainting spell... she saved the day... by tenderly asking... whether I was feeling ill...

And sighing with relief... I made some lame excuse... about severe stomach cramps... the first thing that came to my mind... crossing my fingers... for the fib I was telling... hoping and praying... that my Beloved Heavenly Father Would Be Understanding... and Forgive me...

Nodding with sympathy... Mrs. Mendoza fussed over me like a mother hen... insisting that I take a spoonful of castor oil... then drink a cup of hot milk... after which she lovingly tucked me in... for the night...

And by the time sleep overtook... my bewildered senses... I had made a firm resolve... not to think anymore about my mystifying... perplexing little scars...

Chapter 22
My Abject Terror... of My So-Called... Favorite "Uncle Wagner"... Whom I Cannot Remember...!

But when we were all assembled in Papa Alfred's living room... for the Christmas holidays... about a week later... and I happened to be looking at their wedding photographs... Mummie suddenly pointed to some bald-headed man... who was sitting in the front row... smiling into the camera...

And as I gazed down at his image... a funny sort of prickly chill ... ran through my body... my hair seeming to stand on end... as I took in the man's horsey features... looking more and more menacing to me... the longer I studied him...!

And was completely bowled over and surprised... to hear her remark... en passant... in her intriguing French/Italian accent...:

"Tzi-Tzi darling... Uncle Wagner had to go back to Germany... and he asked me to tell you... how sorry he was... that he could not say goodbye to you in person...!

But he left a very special Christmas present with me... to give to you... And he said that he hopes it will always remind you of him...!"

I again took a good look at the man... on whose chest Mummie's long... tapering finger was resting... and for the life of me... had no idea... whatsoever... who she was talking about...! As far as I was concerned... the man's elongated horse's face... big long teeth... and bald head... meant absolutely nothing to me...!

Seeing that she was getting no reaction from me... Mummie took me by my shoulders... and turning me around to face her... asked whether I had heard... what she had just said... And when she saw that my face was a total blank... she shook me impatiently... and chided...:

"Ah come on... Tzi-Tzi... you remember Uncle Wagner - you were always sitting on his lap - always laughing together... as if the two of you... shared a very special secret...!

You were always telling me... how much you loved him... because he had the same name... as your very favorite composer... Richard Wagner...!"

And as I still looked blank... she became totally exasperated with me...

"How can you not remember your very favorite Uncle Wagner...? You were always going off for long walks with him... in the garden... during those six months you lived here... with Papa Alfred and me... before you went off to the International School of Yokohama...!"

And as Mummie said the last words... I was suddenly gripped with a feeling of nameless terror...!

And then saw some vague... threatening black figure... flashing through my mind... and then a bright streak of light descending... that I instinctively knew... meant danger for me...!

And I wanted to scream and vomit... at the same time... my mouth suddenly gone dry... my heart beating crazily... in my chest...!

And then the room was spinning... and everything went black around me... as I sank into merciful oblivion...

When I came to... I found myself lying on the sofa... and everyone was looking down at me... with grave looks of concern... on their faces... and I overheard them debating with each other... about whether to call for a doctor... or not...

Hearing my elders talk about me... made me feel terribly self-conscious... and suddenly I balked at the idea of the doctor... possibly seeing my embarrassing... mysterious scars...!

So I sat up... smiling... remembering how well it had worked... with dear Mrs. Mendoza... and brushing off the incident... said something about my tummy hurting... from eating too much of the left over wedding cake...

My explanation seemed to immediately put my family at ease... and Papa Alfred... whom I had adored at first sight... exclaiming that he had just the perfect remedy... for an upset stomach... rushed off... coming back a little while later... with a small wine glass... a quarter of which was filled with some sort of dark brown liquid... suggesting that I gulp it down in one swallow... reassuring me how it would cure my stomach ache instantly... just like magic...!

I trusted Papa Alfred... with all my loving heart... and putting the little glass to my lips... shuddered... as the bitter liquid... went coursing down my throat... almost making me heave it back up again... But then I felt a very pleasant warmth... spreading throughout the pit of my stomach... and I felt very calm... and peaceful... and then very sleepy...

Patting me affectionately on my head... Papa Alfred very seriously said... that I should remember the name...: "Angostino Bitters"... and to be sure to have it in my own house... when I grew up... so that I would always have it on hand... whenever I... or my husband... or my children... ever suffered with upset stomachs...

I was so touched by Papa Alfred's loving concern... for my wellbeing... that I vowed to myself... then and there... that I would make it my fervent resolve... to work very hard at school... get good grades... and make him very proud of me... hoping that I had become... in his eyes... very cherished... already thinking of myself... as a very special daughter of his...!

Urging me to keep still... and get some rest... staying where I was... they finally left me alone... and as I drifted off to dreamland... my tummy nice and warm inside... I idly wondered to myself...:

Why is it... that I can't remember a man... who was supposedly in my life... for as long as six months... who was supposed to be a favorite uncle of mine...?!

And what is more puzzling... that I have no recollection of him... whatsoever...?!

And why looking at his horsey image... in the photo album... gave me goose bumps... and ominous... scary chills...?!

When I awoke from a dreamless sleep... a few hours later... everybody was very relieved... to see my usual... cheerful smiling self... once again... and tacitly having agreed... amongst themselves... to make no mention of my earlier fainting spell... treated me as if nothing unusual had happened...

For some inexplicable reason... had I wanted to share my baffling mystery... with my family... I would not have known how to go about it... because of the fact that it was too painfully intimate a subject... causing me a mixture of acute embarrassment... and a strange kind of fearful dread... all at the same time...!

Even when I just mulled over it... in my mind... to myself alone... which I did... from time to time... whenever I felt particularly brave enough... to tackle the puzzling existence... of my ugly little scars... and my unexplainable... overly frightened... and nauseating reaction to them...!

Finally becoming exasperated with myself... because I was getting nowhere nearer... to solving my peculiar dilemma... once again... I renewed my firm resolve... not to dwell upon how I had been afflicted... with the mysterious little scars... deciding to leave well enough alone...

But somewhere... in the dark... deep recesses of my mind... I "knew" that "Uncle Wagner"... had something to do with them... either directly... or indirectly - the only possible logical explanation... I could give myself... for my suddenly being so utterly and completely... unable to remember my so-called "favorite" uncle...!

And also in view of the fact... that his special Christmas present for me... turned out to be... of all things... an exquisitely bejeweled... little dagger...!

And as I stared down at the thin... eight inch steel blade... gleaming evilly... as it lay innocently nestling... in its red velvet lined box... with a mixture of horror and fascination... everyone was exclaiming... at what an unusually beautiful... and expensive gift... Uncle Wagner had given... to a mere seven and a half year old little girl... even though she was tall for her age...!

I could not help but wonder... stunned... barely able to breathe... or suppress a shudder... whether this very dagger... in front of me... might indeed have been the actual one... that had been used - held in his own hand - to inflict pain... on such an intimate... and private part of my anatomy...!

And that the episode... had been so terrifying... that I had blocked completely... from my memory... not only the outrageously evil act... but also the man... who had perpetrated it - my "favorite" Uncle Wagner...!

To this day... I have not been able to remember... how I got the scars... via Uncle Wagner... although... as the years went by... and whenever I happened to examine them... periodically... which I would find myself doing... from time to time... trying to recall the terrifying incident... I was relieved to notice - thanks be to God - that gradually... I was experiencing less and less of a nasty reaction...

I even asked my mother... years later... when we were reunited in South Africa... whether she ever remembered somebody... committing a violent act... against my body... with a knife... when I was very young... and all she could come up with... was remembering... that I had swallowed an enormous Chinese copper penny... when I was about two... when we were living in Peking... causing her many hours of worry... until it came out at the other end...!

So since I now have known... since the past few years... that I had suffered babyhood sexual abuse... at the hands of low class... muscular Japanese "Daiku-sans"... and Have Been Made to remember... how they fondled my little body... and pierced the groin of my flesh... with their sharp little knives... terrifying me... curious to see whether the “chi” (blood) of the “burondo gaikokujin no akambo shojo” (blonde foreign little baby girl)... flowed as red as theirs did... that part of the mystery... of some of my little groin scars... has been explained away...!

I have Been Given to Understand... that I have paid off an enormous Karmic Debt... in this very last lifetime... because... in previous incarnations... as a Japanese highborn lady... I had sexually abused my helpless subjects... who were in my power...!

So that my own babyhood sexual abuse... was just... according to the "Divine Law of Cause and Effect..." of "As Ye Do Unto Others... So Shall It Be Done Unto You..."!

So it is quite possible... that I have been stabbed... in the groin... not only by those "Daiku-sans"... as a baby girl... but by Uncle Wagner... as well... although I still have no actual memory... of his doing so...

So... where he is concerned... it is still a mystery... the memory of which is vaguely... and ominously... hovering... at the very edge of my consciousness...!

As far as Uncle Wagner’s beautiful... but very disturbing Christmas present was concerned... as exquisite as the little bejeweled dagger was... it was odious to me... and I asked Papa Alfred to keep it for me... until I was much older... secretly wanting to forget about its very existence... and never asked for it back...

Chapter 23
Growing Up In The Mysterious... Exotic Far East... This Tender Soul... Is Exposed To Violence... From A Very Young Age... With Tinges Of Memories... Of A Previous Violent Life... As A Daughter... Of A Powerful... Ruling Shogun...!

Growing up in mysterious... exotic Japan... I was exposed to quite graphic forms of violence ... from a very early age... of barely four years old... beginning with all the gory Samurai movies... that my favorite Amah... Suzuki... had secretly taken me to see... instead of taking me for a walk in the park... as she was supposed to...

These afternoon forays... often resulted in my having screaming nightmares... because nearly every one of the films showed... in gory detail... the ritual suicide act of hara-kiri - the ripping out of one's bowels... the unfortunate one... who had "lost face"... traditionally wearing a snow-white kimono... from whose body the blood spurted... by stark contrast... in realistically looking bright crimson... as he slashed across his own abdomen... with an evil-looking... shiny sword...

And my mother would be very puzzled... wondering what on earth could be causing her youngest daughter such distress... in her sleep... when during her waking hours... it was so obvious... that she had such a happy... sunny disposition... always smiling... and of good cheer... and how an innocent afternoon in the park... with her new Amah... could cause her to have such terrible... screaming nightmares... afterwards... and always in Japanese... describing herself... as a high born court lady... daughter of a prominent Shogun...!

(I was probably also having screaming nightmares... as a result of my daily helpless ordeals... of sexual abuse... which had been going on... ever since I was barely two years old...!)

I had also seen... with my own eyes... when I was about four and a half years old... a real live murder... committed by a man... who had plunged a knife... into a beautiful young woman's throat... slashing across it... while they stood close together... in an embrace... under a bridge... only just a few yards away from where I was standing... watching... horrified...

I was on my way home... from the Shinto temple... where I had been dancing... with the temple dancers... having climbed out of my bedroom window... when the familiar... haunting temple music... beckoned to me...

At the sight of the murderous deed... dimly glimpsed... when the flash of the knife's glittering reflection... lit up the terrified face of the man's victim... after a quick shudder of revulsion... at the terrible sight... I had instantly assimilated... and accepted the tragic scene... and the frightfully violent act... as part of the poor... unfortunate woman's Karma...

And that the “Law Of Cause And Effect...” was in operation... dictating justly... that since the woman had stabbed him to death... in a previous lifetime... so would she now... in this reincarnation... have to forfeit her own life... in the very same way... and at his hands...!

I knew all this... because all my succession of village Amahs... had told me all about “inga oho...” (Karma)... and how it operated... ever since I was a tiny tot...!

Thanks to Suzuki-san... my last and favorite babyhood Amah... of many... who came into my life... when I was about four and a bit... after my sexual abuse... abruptly ended... because Papa had suddenly decided to enroll me for ballet lessons... every afternoon... I was very well versed... in the Spiritual... just Divine Laws of... "As Ye Sow... So Shall Ye Reap" ... and "As Ye Do Unto Others... So Shall It Be Done Unto You" ... and found that all her words... echoed an answering "knowing" response... deep inside my soul...

And although I knew that suicide pacts... were quite commonplace... throughout Japan... and still are to this day... many of them... planned by young boy and girl students... frequently the lurid main subject... in the daily "shimbunshi" (newspapers)... over time becoming quite immune... to hearing about such tragic reports... when such an event occurred close to home... I was unable to brush it off... as par for the course... particularly because it happened around Christmas time... when I was about eight and a half...

Chapter 24
Our Very First... Wonderful Christmas Holiday... With Papa... And The Love Of His Life... Xenia... Married Now For About Two Years...!

I remember how excited Prima... Remo and I were... to have been invited to spend our first Christmas holidays... with Papa and his new wife... Xenia... the following year... in their new house in Atami... a place we had heard described... as one of the more picturesque seaside resorts... on the east coast of the Izu Peninsula... meaning "hot water gushing" ... because of the many hot springs... located in the area... and which we had never visited together... before...

I had already stayed with them... over a short school break... after I had just turned seven... when I had experienced... two most horrendous shocks... plus an incredible... Heavenly Revelation... all already described in the Chapters above...

We had taken the express train... in order to get to Atami... as quickly as possible... So you can imagine our frustration... when the train ground suddenly to a halt... and the news filtered down... through the passenger cars... in whispers... that yet another young Japanese girl... had thrown herself... across the railroad tracks...!

Prima and Remo... had tried their best... to keep the tragic news from me... wanting to spare me a shocking reaction... little realizing that I had been associating intimately... with the Japanese people... far more than they ever had... able to converse in their language... very easily... since I was a tiny tot...

In fact... from my earliest childhood... I had considered myself to be Japanese... and was easily accepted by them... as one of their own... despite the fact... that they were markedly dark... and I was white... and much taller... which extreme contrast... in looks... I never even noticed... nor did any of them ever allude to...!

Seriously observing all their customs... even dancing in the Shinto temple... knowing the prayerful dance movements... instinctively... without ever having been taught... simply from recognizing the familiar... haunting music... from a previous life time..!

But as I felt the jolt of the train... bumping the body... of the young girl... I remember experiencing a disquieting... jarring sensation... shuddering throughout my whole body... and a queasy feeling... in the pit of my stomach... as if my own body... was experiencing her death...!

Not liking the unsettling feeling one bit... and not wanting anything unpleasant... to intrude on the gay holiday spirit... I was filled with... looking forward to this special Christmas time... where we would be spending a whole week together with Papa Rau... and his new wife Xenia... for the very first time... as a family... I was reluctant to contemplate... the reason why the obviously unhappy girl... had deliberately ended her life... and at such a tender age - it was rumored... that she was only about sixteen...!

But I do remember wondering... whether the poor... unfortunate creature... was a converted Christian... and whether the season of Yuletide... had had something to do with her despair... already very much aware... how peculiarly an emotional time... the Christmas Season was... for some people... and how they could become susceptible... to deep fits of depression... especially those who found themselves all alone... and unloved... at this special Holy time of year... that was supposed to be "merry... and of good cheer... to all men"...!

Not wanting to dwell on the poor girl's fate... I had pushed all thought of her... deliberately from my mind... vowing that nothing... and nobody... was going to spoil this first celebration of the holiday season... with Papa Rau... and his new love Xenia... in their brand new home...

And what a wonderful Christmas holiday... it turned out to be... with Xenia bending over backwards... to find favor in our eyes... having baked the traditional Russian Christmas ginger cake... and showering us with presents...

Their new house was an elegant... spacious two storey affair... tucked in the curve of picturesque Sagami Bay... overlooking the Pacific Ocean... and I remember vividly... how tenderly... Xenia had run her fingers... through my long golden tresses... and then painstakingly curled my hair... into Shirley Temple ringlets... taking hours... with an old-fashioned curling iron... so that I would be the prettiest eight and a half year old girl... at the YCAC Childrens' Christmas Party...

Actually meeting Santa Claus... for the very first time in my life... and to have him pronounce my name... which I heard so rarely... as he held out a gaily wrapped... large present... with my very own name on it... which turned out to be an adorable... miniature kitchen set... complete with stove... pots and pans... was a sheer delight...

But I was much too big... to sit on his knee... so had to content myself... with just sitting at his feet...

I was all goggle-eyed... to be so close... to one of my favorite people... named after Saint Nicholas... he of the generous heart... who had always been one of my all-time favorite characters...

And he was so jolly... as he sat there... under the great big glittering Christmas tree... gaily adorned with colorful... shiny balls of red... blue and gold... miniature replicas of Santa Claus and his reindeer... adorable smiling little angels... with flowing golden hair... blowing their tiny trumpets... dressed all in white... and dripping with silvery tinsel...

Santa's cheeks were bright red... and he kept merrily "ho-ho-ho"-ing... through his snow white beard...

And it was only years later... that I found out that Santa Claus... was actually none other... than one of my favorite people... jaunty... dear Mr. Zwinkler... the Club Manager... himself...!

That winter being a comparatively mild one... we spent a lot of time outdoors... trudging along the coastal strips of sandy beaches... visiting shrines... and the famous Nishikigaura cove...

We even took several boat trips... to the lovely islands of first Oshima... with its impressive looking volcano... Mount Mihara... majestically rising up high... in the center of the island... being the nearest of the seven isles of Izu... stretching out into the ocean... then Hatsushima... exploring their intriguing dark caves... gorging on their fresh seafood... both islands offering truly spectacular coastal scenery... and ocean views...

We also took a trip down to the historical site of Shimoda... first to visit Ryosenji Temple... where the all important Treaty for American-Japanese Amity... was agreed upon... in 1857...

And when we walked through the part of the temple... housing the small museum of phallic symbols... Papa put his hands over my eyes... emphatically insisting... that I was far too young... to behold such things yet... forgetting about how often I had seen him... parading stark naked... around the house... with heavy weights... hanging down from his "soseiji"... to enlarge it... and also at the Yuya...!

So that all I could do was wonder... at all the sounds of sudden gasping intakes of breath... and exclamations of surprise... going on all around me...

Seeing Papa’s "soseiji" (sausage)... ever since he took me with him to the Yuya Communal Baths... when I was a tyke... and told me the name for it... had never made me gasp... or exclaim... for it looked just like all the other "soseiji"... hanging down between the legs... of all the other Nippon men there... some bigger... and some smaller...

(It is a very curious fact... that there are no specific Japanese words... for "penis"... nor "vagina"... not even in the modern... first edition in 1961... to its 19th printing... of the "All-Romanized English-Japanese Dictionary... compiled by the prestigious Zaidan Hojin Hyojun Romaji Kai...!)

Another of our stops... was at the Gyokusenji Temple... the one-time residence... of the very first American Consul to Japan... Townsend Harris... in which a Memorial Museum had been erected... to commemorate him... and which also marked the graves of sailors... who died during Commodore Perry's Squadron of Black Ships expedition to Japan... when they belabored the shore of Uraga... in 1853...

As I sadly gazed down at the grave... holding the remains of Okichi... Townsend's mistress... behind the Hofukuji Temple... where there was a small Memorial Museum... dedicated to her... my imagination had a field day... picturing these two star-crossed lovers... the big American man... portrayed by John Wayne... years later... in the movie... “The Barbarian And The Geisha” ... (#1522 of the Little Cilandak Video Library...) ... and the dainty... diminutive Japanese woman... Okichi... portrayed by Eiko Ando... one of the most beautiful... and foremost actresses of Japan...

There are several versions... of Consul Townsend Harris... and his paramour Okichi's love story... One is that the Japanese authorities... forced Okichi... to make the supreme patriotic sacrifice for Nippon... by secretly ordering her... to abandon her current lover... to become Townsend's mistress... under the pretext... that she was to be at his disposal... as his tutor... in the Japanese language...!

For it was their desire... that this most important representative of America... should have all the creature comforts... to make him feel at ease... as much as possible in this... his strange new home away from home...

The other version... is that Consul Townsend Harris... happened to spot her in the village... one day... shortly after his arrival... And smitten by her extraordinary... fragile beauty... and her ultra feminine ways... he had made discreet enquiries about her... only to be told... to his delight... that all he needed to do... was simply select her... for his pleasure... for she was one of the local prostitutes...!

Whichever of the stories... is the true version... the fact remains that... after Townsend Harris... was summoned back to America... Okichi... finding herself... scorned and spurned... by her own people... as an undesirable outcast... apparently making futile efforts... to reunite with her former Japanese lover... and having failed... was driven to drink... and ultimately to committing suicide... in her despair... by drowning herself... in the river...

And as evidence... of an ongoing fascination... with Okichi's romantic... star-crossed love story... and the tragic circumstances... of her victimization... in a male dominated society... there are always fresh "ko bo" (incense sticks) ... burning at her grave site...

During the wonderful Christmas holidays... Xenia continued to fuss over me... which... next to my succession... of village Amahs... then Suzuki... then Mrs. Mendoza... was an unaccustomed novelty...

Although she never once embraced me... or gave me a kiss... nevertheless... she continued to make tender love to my hair... which was a never ending source of fascination to her... now that it was nice and richly long again...

And she would spend hours... brushing it... running her fingers... through it slowly... admiring its silky texture... exclaiming how it was the color of angel's spun gold...!

And having been born... with the nature of a cat... who loved to have herself petted... and caressed... I would blissfully sit... under her gently stroking hands... "purring" with contentment...

And when she had had her fill... of stroking and brushing my tresses... she would lovingly braid my hair... into two fat... loathed pigtails... then tie them up... with pretty ribbons... that she always had a never ending supply of...!

She had shampooed my hair for me only once... during my brief school break... when I was about seven... Then thrilled me.. by presenting me with my very own bottle of shampoo... (the very night... I was kidnapped... for the second time)... insisting that I was now old enough... to shampoo my hair by myself...! And I had mastered the task... by the age of seven and a half... without getting any soap into my eyes...

I happen to have been born with naturally curly hair... which had turned match stick straight... with shock... when my mother sent me off with Suzuki... one afternoon... to a Japanese barber shop... to have my hair trimmed... when I was almost five years old...

And when I returned... she was rendered speechless... to see that the barber... who... because of my exceptional height... thought I was already a schoolgirl... had cut off all my curls... giving me the traditional Japanese schoolgirl hair style...!:

Cut straight across evenly... at the back... to just below the ear lobes... and cut straight across the forehead... in bangs... just above my eyebrows...!

Papa happened to be abroad... at the time... as usual... on one of his regular business trips... little realizing... that it was to become the most important trip of his life...!

For it was destined... at that time... that he was to meet Xenia... the ultimate love of his life... in Shanghai... And no doubt... during the course of their budding relationship... he had told her all about his three children... proudly describing them to her in glowing terms...

So that when Xenia... first laid eyes on me... what she saw was a disappointing sight... as far as my hair was concerned...

Telling me later on... that she had formed a picture of me... in her mind... with long... curly hair... from Papa's enthusiastic description... of his pretty darling Nadia... realizing... when she actually laid eyes on me... that he had been painting a picture of my appearance... before that fateful trip to the Japanese barber shop...!

Papa had also been utterly shocked and dismayed... by my haircut... when he returned from abroad... but neglected to mention it to his beloved... before we met...

All through that Christmas holiday... Xenia was like a leech... clinging to me... and it seemed... that every time I turned around... there she would be... smiling at me with a hard-to-conceal... anxious look in her eyes... doing her utmost... to win my approval...

Although by then... I and I alone... knew of the deep dark secret... of her false “Mask of Beauty...”... nevertheless... I was not used to having so much attention focussed on me... and felt more and more singled out... and uncomfortable in her presence... especially when others of my family were about...

For her over-eagerness... to please me... especially in front of Papa... was pathetic... and embarrassing... I much preferred the time spent alone with her... when she happily attended to my hair... acting her more normal... quietly sincere self with me...

When Papa finally noticed... how his wife was trying to win points... with his youngest daughter... in front of him... he took care of the matter... by seeing to it that the three of us... went out a lot together...

Sightseeing... hiking... and even going up north... into the mountains... to the hot springs resort... Shuzenji... where I had my first experience... of sitting immersed comfortably... in a pool of hot... stinking sulfur water... outdoors... surrounded by a snow white blanket of snow...!

And when I gingerly put my hand out... to touch the soft grainy texture... believing somehow... that the "snow" must be artificial... I was shocked... to feel an enormous contrast... of genuine icy cold...!

All in all... that first Christmas holiday... with all of us... together with Papa and Xenia... under one roof... was most memorable for me... and it was obvious to all of us children... that they were still very much in love with each other... now going into their second year of marriage together...

And although Papa made some halfhearted... sheepish attempts... to get us to call his beloved... "Mother"... which we adamantly refused to do... feeling it would be a betrayal... to our real mother... we did all concede... to calling her "Xenia"... and no longer "Auntie Xenia"...

Chapter 25
Almost Murdered... Robbed... And Thrown Overboard... On The Chinese Junk... On My Very First Agonizing Experience... Of "The Dark Night Of The Soul..."!

The pitch blackness in the hold... of the Chinese junk... was so oppressive and frightening... that it seemed to close everybody's throats up...!

We should have been occupying ourselves... trying to cheer each other up... but Papa... speaking up... only twice... had been the only one to say anything... and ever since then - it had seemed a century ago - there had just been this awful... deathly silence... that you could cut with a knife...!

Although I tried my very best... to heed Papa's advice... alas... for the life of me... nothing could make me relax enough... to drowse off... I couldn't even think up any rhymes... to pacify myself with...

And furthermore... being a sensitive soul... I could detect the odor of my family's palpable... tangible fear... although none of them expressed their anxious feelings out loud... and being the youngest... kept me even more afraid... my senses even more alert... to possible danger...!

Leaning back against the huge canvas sack... I tried to get comfortable... in the dank... stinking blackness... still holding on tightly to Prima's arm...

But my fertile imagination... was running rampant... certain that... at any second... I would feel the razor sharp teeth of huge... ferocious... ravenous water rats... gnawing away at my flesh...! And I managed to thoroughly convince myself... that they were lurking about... sharing our makeshift accommodation with us... just waiting to attack... feast on our unresisting flesh... while we lay defenseless... slumbering...!

As far as my arch enemies... the dreaded "dive-bomb aburamushis" were concerned... I steeled my wayward imagination... firmly resolved... not to think about the possibility... that there might be any of them... scurrying around us... in the pitch black darkness... also...

Up until that panic-filled... pitch black night... holed up in the bowels... of the stinking junk... darkness had always seemed friendly to me... like a gentle cloak... covering the earth protectively...

The blanket of night... had most certainly never seemed to be any kind of threatening... menacing enemy to me before... except for the terrifying... Saturday nights... of the fearsome Genki...!

On the contrary... as far as darkness was concerned... until Papa terrified me... with the evil spirit of the Genki... when he forbid me to put any lights on in the house... while he and Xenia went off to the Country Club Dance... on Saturday nights... I had always looked forward to that time of night... when I could look up into the heavens... and see the brightly twinkling stars... way up above me...

And imagine what the man in the moon looked like... and why I always saw the word "king" ... written across the face of a full moon... just before my favorite time... bedtime... when... at last... I could snuggle down into the welcoming softness of my bed... happy to be going to sleep... so that I could once again... go back to my real home... Heaven... for an overnight visit...

I finally managed to doze off into a fitful sleep... but was rudely shocked awake - it seemed only minutes later - by the foreboding... threatening sound... of the hatch... suddenly being rolled back... directly above our heads... and by a loud cacophony of excited... sing-song... chattering voices... which suddenly sounded most ominous...!

I immediately thought of the recent Newsreel... I had seen... in which people were being warned... not to sail on Chinese junks... or sampans... where the owners... would demand enormous sums of money... to take passengers... across the Japanese waters... illegally...!

But then... once they were out to sea... helpless and unprotected... they would more than likely slit their passengers' throats... ripping their clothes to shreds... to get to the money and valuables... sewn inside them... then... without a twinge of conscience... toss their limp bodies overboard... into the deep... for dead men told no tales...!

Trembling with alarm... at the sound of the Chinamen's fevered... high-pitched voices... I prayed... my lips quivering in fear...:

"Oh my God... in the final analysis... are we being confronted... now... with The Law of Cause and Effect" ...? And is it the fate of all of us... to be assembled together... here and now... at this particular time... on this particular junk...?

Have all of us earned such a terrible Karma... as to ultimately be robbed... and have our throats slit... by these uncouth... low-class Chinamen...?"

Panic-stricken... more questions arose in my chest... rapid-fire...:

"Have any one of us robbed... and slit the throats of others... in any past lifetimes...?

And have all of us reaped the same fate... doomed to die here and now... at the hands of perfect strangers...?

But... maybe... if the truth be known... they had not been strangers to us... in a previous incarnation... and in that lifetime... maybe we robbed... and murdered them...!"

I was shivering with trepidation... as these horrifying possibilities... flashed through my momentarily befuddled senses... and feverishly chewing my nails... until they became bloody... my mind was about to become dangerously unhinged...!

Desperately... I craned my neck upwards... to try to see... and understand...what was going on above us... but there was nothing but the hollow-sounding disembodied voices... screeching and arguing... in the engulfing blackness... which was now feebly lit... by one of the men... holding up a lantern... and peering down at us... with it... dimly lighting up a tiny area... of the hold... and I saw... to my horror... that he had a knife in his teeth...!

Then I heard Xenia gasp aloud... in the darkness... and realized that... since she spoke fluent Chinese... she probably had understood every single word... of what the excited Chinamen were saying... and their portentous... hysterical mouthing... probably boded ill for us... their trapped... helpless... cornered prey... way down below...!

And to my utter amazement... her voice full and strong... Xenia shouted up at them... in their own language... and with such conviction... and with such authority... such as I had never heard her speak before...!

Her commanding tone... silenced them... for a while...

Then they got all excited again... and jabbered away again... only this time... chattering down to her... in their high-pitched voices... sounding urgent... their faces wedged... in the square hatch of the hold...

Then all of a sudden... in the middle of their excited sing-song jabbering... a voice shouted out a command... and instantly the arguing prattling stopped...!

The sudden deathly silence that followed... was eerie... setting my teeth on edge...

And then... a moment later... the hatch was mercifully rolled back closed again...

And I realized... that I had been holding my breath... all the time it had been gaping wide open...

Exhausted... I fell back against the sack... almost losing consciousness... but at the last second... my fears jolted me back... to the reality of the oppressive darkness around me... and as I felt the pain of my chewed down to the quick fingernails... I found myself staring ahead of me... into what I was now familiarly calling "The Black Hell Hole of China"... recalling reading about the terrible “Black Hole of Calcutta”...

Even though I had been strictly trained by Papa... not to speak... unless first spoken to... I thought of defying him... and dare to ask Xenia to tell us... what the Chinamen of the junk... had been arguing so excitedly about...

But I lacked the courage... because something deep inside my soul... told me... that we had had a very close brush with "death"...!

And I felt... as never before... a very sobering sense... of the reality... of life... and of death... and of how very close - within a hair's breadth - they indubitably were... to one another...!

The realization... that it was not our Karma... after all... to die at the hands of these low-class... uncouth men... gave me a teeny weeny sense of relief... for a moment or two...

But soon... the stark... uncertain reality... of our depressing surroundings... engulfed me once again... and once again... I was full of fearful anxiety... that kept gnawing... at my over-imaginative senses... still expecting the worst to befall us... at any second...!

This was literally... the longest night of my life - my very first experience... of the "Dark Night of the Soul..."

For the first time in my life... I could not feel my usual close... intimate... Inner relationship with God... my Beloved Heavenly Father...!

I could not feel His Comforting... Loving Presence... and there was no sense of the Widened... and Heightened Inner Awareness... that He Had Blessed me with... on that memorable morning of Revelation... when I was seven... and no longer any sense of peace... or hope... for my greatly troubled spirit...!

Deep depression gripped my soul... like an iron band... strapped tightly across my chest... and would not let go... crowding the relentless... agonizingly slow passing of time... with all sorts of unnerving thoughts... of one chaotic catastrophe... after another...!

Chapter 26
Shanghai...! Banzai...!

The endless hours... seemed to drag on... and on... interminably... until finally... when I was totally convinced... that I simply could not bear another second... of being cooped up in that stinking... pitch black hell hole - I was just about to scream my head off - the roof above us... was suddenly quickly rolled back...!

A startling... blinding flash of light... jabbed painfully at my eyes... making me blink... And as I kept on looking upward... through the square opening... my eyes gradually becoming accustomed... to the bright light... a thrill shot through me... as I beheld - Oh Magnificent Glorious Joy - a clear blue sky... a sweeping amphitheater... of beautiful azure... sparkling on and on... higher and higher... way up into the infinity... of the heavens...!

I now saw the Chinese sailors... for the first time... in broad daylight... since being roughly manhandled aboard by them... in the pitch black hours... of the night before... and they all looked very harmless now... grinning down at us... animatedly chattering away... in their rapid sing-song lingo... all of them in unison... throwing down a rope ladder... beckoning us... by their unmistakable gestures... to climb up it onto the deck above...

We all somehow managed to climb up the unsteady... free-wheeling rope ladder... with Papa and Remo going up first... with our suitcases... tied by their belts... slung around their necks... leading the way... then steadying the rope with their hands... so that Xenia... Prima and I would have an easier time of shinning up it to the top...

I was very puzzled about something..: How on earth had I landed in the hold... the night before...? I distinctly did not remember... climbing down any rope ladder... and concluded... that the junk crewmen... must have simply thrown me down... into it... from hand to hand - all five foot seven and a half of me... expecting my long... skinny body... to land on top of a canvas sack...!

When we had all finally reached the top... and were standing together on the deck... in the blinding daylight... we heard... with amazement... the words...:

"Shanghai... Shanghai..!"

All the men were grinning... and nodding their heads vigorously... for emphasis... at seeing the disbelieving surprised looks... on our collective faces...

Somehow... we all thought that we were still sitting somewhere... just outside Nagasaki Harbor... for there had been no sense... of the boat sailing... no listing... or creaking... or yawing at all - the crossing of the East China Sea... had been soooo smoothly silent...!

I was delirious with happiness... delighted to be back out in the bright world again... feeling very much alive... for the first time... in a long... long while...!

And seeing the outside world again... at eleven o'clock in the morning - the precious time of our arrival... checked by Papa's and Remo's expensive Rolex watches - made me realize... that we had been holed up... for thirteen agonizingly l-o-n-g... l-o-n-g hours... in that inky... stinky dark... "Black Hell Hole of China"... with no food or drink... to sustain us...!

And where I had experienced... my very first... devastating... "Dark Night of the Soul..." ... which of course... I did not know the name of... at the time... but definitely feeling utterly abandoned... by my Heavenly Father... and my Guardian Angel Friend...!

Suddenly my stomach growled... and I was ravenous for food... making me feel instantly restored... to familiar "Graziella" ... once again... and thank God... feeling very "normal"... once more...

We all breathed a great sigh of relief... as we gingerly stepped onto terra firma... once more...

At first we were in a muddled daze... but then it suddenly dawned on us... that we had... in fact... made it safely... to Shanghai... - we had actually eluded... and escaped... the "Nippon no keisatsu"!

When the realization hit us... really sinking in... that we were safe... for the time being... at least... it made us all feel giddy with elation...

And looking at each other... with a look of barely suppressed disbelief... we found ourselves... for the very first time... in our lives... hugging each other tightly... as a family... dancing a little jig... on the dock... around our suitcases... laughing with a mixture of relief... and happiness... the tears streaming unabashedly... down our collective cheeks...!

And I found myself exclaiming... with a mixture of joy... and amazement... jumping up and down ecstatically...:

"Oh thank God... and Eureka...!"

We... the Rau family... have actually completed... the first leg of our "cloak and dagger escape journey"... without coming to any harm...!"

Then on impulse... I heartily sang out... at the top of my already powerful soprano voice... making a dramatic gesture... like an opera diva...:

"Shanghai... Banzai...!"

And then... as my family clapped and cheered... and I graciously bowed to them... I fervently breathed silently to myself...:

"Oh Thank You... Thank You... Oh Thank You... my Heavenly Father... For Safely Delivering... All Of Us...!"

As we stepped off the dock... and stood on Chinese soil... it suddenly dawned on me... that my ten years of living... and growing up... in my beloved Nippon... in the Shadow... of the Land Of The Rising Sun... were now finally behind me... gone forever...!

And with the sobering thought... came a momentary... strangely empty... and sad feeling... as if something inside my soul "knew" ... that a particularly important... Karmic chapter of my life... that had to do with my beloved Nippon... was finally finished... and done with... Praise be to God... for all time...

I am very happy to say... that those thirteen terrifying hours... spent in the pitch black junk hold... of that "Black Hell Hole of Calcutta/China" ... left no traumatic aftereffects... whatsoever... no emotional scars... no terrifying nightmares... nor did they give birth... to any future fear... of the dark...!

End Of PART I-B - Twenty-Six Chapters

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