Chapter 1
Some Embarrassing Moments... On Board The Dutch Ocean Liner... Ms "Tjisadane..."!

The all important date of our departure... on the third day of December... dawned... and I saw that... for a change... it was bleak and blustery... outside my hotel window...

I had lain awake all night... much too excited to sleep... To think that the day had finally come... when I myself... would be sailing away on a ship... to parts unknown... was very hard for me to believe... I kept pinching my arm black and blue... to reassure myself... that it was not all a wonderful... exciting dream... but really true...

At long last... instead of always being the one left behind... who... from the ages of six to almost ten... with a forced smile... would wave "Bon Voyage" ... to Papa and Xenia... from the Yokohama pier... as the band played a rousing "Anchors Aweigh"... I would be sailing with them...

There was always a lump in my throat... and tears in my eyes... as... eaten up with envy... and with a heavy heart... I watched them getting smaller and smaller... as they stood smiling... and waving to us... their three children... at the ship’s railing... aboard one of the majestic... pristine white... "Empress" ocean liners... amidst all the gaily colored streamers... destined for some exotic... fascinating land... far... far away...

Seeing them off... always made me choke up... with an aching longing... wishing that I could stay on board... sail off with them... to the balmy Hawaiian Islands... or the tropical Philippines... peopled with mixed races... of the Portuguese... and Spanish...

Enchanting places... that I had only heard about... from my International classmates... at the ISY... or read about in books... and daydreamed about... and never seen with my own eyes... which I was certain... would have been full of wide-eyed... awed wonder... as they gazed upon fresh... intriguing sights... in person... for the very first time...

How well I remember Papa... describing the splendor of San Francisco... his most favorite city of all... telling me all about the natural... beautiful formation... of her picturesque bay... and especially her magnificent Golden Gate Bridge... so named because... when the sun set... its orange-red rays... casting its fire on the bridge... would make it light up... in a warm... golden glow...

And I had loved to hear the unique rendering... of the happy... catchy song... "San Francisco"... beautifully sung... by one of my favorite singers of all time... beautiful Jeanette MacDonald... in the movie of the same name... co-starring the King... devilishly handsome Clark Gable... who played the part of a notorious dance hall owner... and endearing Spencer Tracy... as a sympathetic... mild-mannered Catholic priest... (#203 of the Little Cilandak Video Library...)

The movie was all about the Great San Francisco Earthquake of 1906... which had destroyed the original sprawling... cosmopolitan city of corruption and greed - gateway to the Golden West of California... in the olden days... where thousands upon thousands of hopefuls... from all walks of life... dreaming their dreams of untold wealth... with dollar signs... in their shining eyes... had come to search for that most precious of all elusive elements... that ever brightly glowing metal... being my very favorite... called: Gold...

How I longed to see that "naughty" cosmopolitan metropolis... incongruously named after the Italian saint... "Francis of Assisi"... steeped in fascinating history... with its colorful... decadent past... explore its mysterious district... called "China Town"...

(Little did I know then... that... some forty-four years later... I myself... bed-ridden... for about seven years... because of one God Willed Stroke... after another... of necessary... deep Ancestral Purification... at His Command... would actually be continuing... working on this book... begun in South Africa... as well as... beginning my Spiritual Odyssey... "From Seven Hells... To Seventh Heaven... SUBUD..."!

And that I would be writing them... in... of all places... Daly City... a few miles south of San Francisco... in a top floor apartment... situated on a hill... from whose French windows... and little balcony... on a clear day... I would have an unobstructed view... of the famous Golden Gate Bridge...!)

Now in Shanghai... the hours seemed to drag by - getting packed and ready after breakfast... had seemed to take hardly any time at all - and I wished that Xenia would hurry up... and come back from her last minute appointment... with her oculist...

I was so worried... that we might miss the boat... that I made a perfect nuisance of myself... nervously chewing my nails to the bloody quick... exasperating Prima and Remo... not to mention the hotel staff... between running pell-mell into them... as I made the hundredth dash... for the grandiose front doors...

Anxiously peering into every taxi window... depositing their fares... I was ever in the hope of seeing the familiar faces of Papa and Xenia... returning to the hotel...

And then dashing back to their suite... fearing that I might have missed their arrival... while I was traveling up... or down... in the adjacent lift...

And Oh God... perhaps they had already even left... forgetting to take mostly ignored... insignificant... "dumb cluck" me... with them...! I was working myself up... into a terrible tizzy...

But I need not have worried... for Papa and Xenia did come back... In fact... we bumped into each other... just as I was about to go down in the lift... to investigate... for the umpteenth time... And as we came face to face... I could see that they were both panting... and out of breath...

And when Xenia took an interminably long time... packing the last of their suitcases... insisting that she go back to their suite... to check one last time... convinced that she had left something behind in their bathroom... Papa had become uncustomarily... extremely exasperated with her... and finally literally pushed her forcefully... through the hotel doors... impatiently urging her to get a move on...!

As things turned out... we barely had time to get to the Shanghai pier... in the Cook's Tours limousine... after hasty emotional good byes... to the wonderful... International hotel staff of Cathay Mansions...

From the Hungarian receptionist... to the charming French Maitre'd... (with no idea... whatsoever... that in 22 years time... living in South Africa... I would be enduring a Hellish... three year marriage... to a charming... bon vivant... Maitre'd/Manager... of several hotels... a Charles Boyer look alike... French/Dutchman... who was a die hard alcoholic... and an unfaithful... active bisexual... that Purgatorial Time... which nearly destroyed me... all fully described... in "Seven Hells..."!)

Each and every one of the hotel staff... had made us feel so welcome... during our three week... "home away from home"... little realizing... that in just a few days time... they would be losing their freedom... and it would go much worse... for the Eurasians... who most likely... would be hauled off to suffer torture... starvation... and even death... in the infamous internment camps... of the Japanese military forces...!

I remember the breathless... eager excitement I felt... as I walked up the gangway... of the Dutch ocean liner "Tjisadane"... in the broad light of day... somewhat disappointed... that she was not pristine white... but grayish... and also wondering... why she had only one funnel... when the "Empress" ocean liners... had at least three...

I would like to mention here... that I am most beholden... to the graciousness of Cornelia T. Neal... and Joep Jurgens... Counselor for Transportation of the Royal Netherlands Embassy Office... in Washington D.C. ... and Messrs R. de Bruijn... and Drs J. vd. Boom... of the Dutch Directoraat-Generaal Scheepvaart en Maritieme Zaken... and J.H. Ritsema... of the Dutch Maritime Museum Information Department... in Rotterdam... Holland...

Most grateful to them all... for their kind assistance... in sending me relevant information... and even photocopy pictures... of the two Dutch ships... the MS “Tjisadane” ... and the “Klipfontein”... both of which were most important to me... and my family... during our perilous ocean voyage... from Far East to Far West... during the War... so that I can describe them more fully here...

Both of the Dutch twin sister ships... MS “Tjinegara” and “MS “Tjisadane”... were built identically... Their tonnage was 9,284 gross... 9,607 d.w.; their dimensions measured 458 by 62 ft. ... boasting a 29-ft. draught... Their engines were Sulzer type diesels, single screw; service speed ranged 14 knots... and they had accommodation for 36 First Class... and 424 other Classes passengers...

(The above information... together with photocopies of the relevant ocean liners... the “Tjisadane...” and the “Klipfontein...” ... including her tragic sinking... off the coast of Africa... in early 1953... the heartbreaking sight of which... in a Pathe Newsreel... at His Majesty’s Theater... in Johannesburg... South Africa... inspired me... to begin writing this book... was graciously supplied... by Mr J.H. Ritsema... of the Maritime Museum of Rotterdam... to whom I am also most appreciative...)

Here are two reproductions... of the MS “Tjisadane...” ... as kindly supplied... by the abovementioned Dutch Maritime people... so that the reader can get a better idea... of what the ship looked like... when she was in her glory... and when she was attacked... by two Japanese airplanes... near Okinawa... shortly after she deposited us safely... in Surabaya... Java...!

DEAR FARLAN - PLEASE INSERT HERE THE PHOTOCOPIES OF THE "TJISADANE" - THANK YOU...

Nevertheless... I did notice... with great relief... what a marked contrast this embarkation... on an ocean going vessel was... from that nightmarish crossing... in pitch black darkness... being tossed aboard the dirty... smelly Chinese junk... only just three weeks ago...

Standing out on deck... I thought to myself... with happy anticipation...:

"This time it will be different... This time I... me... Graziella... myself... will actually... in reality... be sailing on a big ship... and on an ocean liner... no less... instead of being left behind... and it will be an exciting sea voyage... that I will be able to recall... throughout the rest of my life...!"

Actually... I had already sailed twice... on an ocean liner... the first time... when I was but a few months old... from Genoa... Italy... where I was born... to Peking... China... where Papa... Mummie and I... lived together... for almost two years... then from China to Japan... both voyages of which... being far too young... I had no recollection of... whatsoever... so to my mind... they did not really count...

At long last... it was I... “dumb cluck” Graziella... that was really and truly... on board a ship... to stay... actually standing at its railing... looking down... and waving at all the smiling well-wishers... way down below on the dock... And there was such a huge grin of happiness... and pleasure... splitting my face... from ear to ear... that my jaws were aching...!

I felt so exhilarated... that I almost peed in my pants... Now it was finally my turn... to throw the brightly colored streamers... as the band... with great gusto... rousingly struck up its deafening music...

But I was a teeny weeny bit disappointed... though... that they were not playing the emotionally stirring... "Anchors Aweigh"... but some unfamiliar... "oom-pah-pah... oom-pah-pah..." polka...

It was such a relief to feel free... free as a bird... which made me realize that... except for my sojourn... into the city of Shanghai... in the early part of our stay - that memorable morning... when I had come across poor old Mr. Ruetli... who had fallen down... lying helpless on the pavement... at the mercy of highly excited... vengeful... superstitious Chinamen... and Xenia's boisterous Russian birthday party... at her sister's house... a few weeks ago... I had been cooped up in the Cathay Mansions... for practically the past month...

As we sailed away... out into the East China Sea... my only regret... was that I would carry within me... very few geographical memories... of our short stay in fascinating... Cosmopolitan Shanghai... one of the last bastions of the Far East...

Apart from my one-time solitary foray... into the back alleys of the city... and yesterday's cautious... short tour... our time mostly taken up with hectic... last minute shopping... there had been no real sight-seeing... to speak of...

I only knew... that Shanghai was an intriguing... Cosmopolitan mixture... of people... from all over the world...

In contrast to seeing a large number of International children... as at the ISY... I had now experienced observing... for the first time in my life... crowds and crowds... of International adults... walking down the wide boulevards... of the enigmatic... teeming metropolis... with its elaborate European influence... in architecture... much of it Greek... an intriguing city... which seemed to hold many secrets...

I regret that I never got to visit... the mysterious Arab Quarters... that everybody whispered about... reminding me of the exotically mysterious... romantic Casbah of the movie... "Algiers"... starring Charles Boyer... and the beautiful Hedy Lamarr... whom I was destined to meet briefly... and meaningfully... in Hollywood...! (#969 of the Cilandak Video Library...)

Charles Boyer happened to be Xenia's most favorite movie star... who... ironically... my future hotelier husband... who almost was the death of me... was to be a spitting image of...!

Sorry to say... the inevitable rescue of dear old Mr. Ruetli... had put a stop to my plan... to visit the Arab Quarters... that day...

Maybe all to the well and good... for I had heard stories... about people disappearing... and never being seen again... once they had entered the infamous Quarters...! Who knows... perhaps Mr. Ruetli had inadvertently saved my life... as well... by falling down when he did - an interesting thought...!

Xenia... having lived in Shanghai... for many years... had told me all about the large... well-established Russian Community of émigrés... who had fled to China... during the Bolshevik uprising... and consequent revolution... some of whom I had met at Xenia's sister's house... at her birthday party...

They had built their own church... in Shanghai... where they worshipped God... according to their own Russian Orthodox religion... and had their own school... to educate their children in... making sure that... even though they would probably never be able to return to their beloved Mother Russia... as long as it was ruled by a Communist government... nevertheless... they would make certain... that their children... never forgot their mother tongue... nor their proud heritage... and history...

When I heard the powerful vibrations of the engines starting up... underneath my feet... I knew... with a lurch in my chest... that this was really and truly "it" - I was really and truly... leaving the Orient behind me... for good...!

And as the reality of that fact hit me... I felt an almost fearful heart wrenching longing... to have things back the way they were... wishing that I could stay on... in my beloved Asia... with nothing changed...!

Part of me was very surprised... at this strong reaction... since I had not given it a single thought... while lying awake the night before...!

On the contrary... all I could think of then... bursting with impatient anticipation... was the thrill of experiencing new lands... and their unique cultures... customs... and traditions... in person... at an age... when I was hungry for knowledge... of the outside world... instead of just having to content myself with learning about them... through the pages of books... and the friends I had made at the ISY...

The one most annoying fly in my ointment... was my most unwelcome... Swiss private tutor... Mr. Peters... hugely resented... not for any personal reasons - he seemed to be quite a personable young man - but because of the restricting factor... of being forced... by him... to keep my nose... buried in tedious text books...

And I prayed with all my might... that I would not have to have my lovely exciting voyage spoiled... by being ordered to pore over... for instance... tedious mathematics (my worst subject)... generally having my glorious freedom... on board a ship... interrupted and curtailed... by odious lessons...

As we left the harbor... and sailed out into the East China Sea... all at once... the ship started to pitch and toss... alarmingly... in the suddenly choppy waters...!

And without any warning... unable to keep my balance... having become all ungainly long monkey arms... and never ending... long legs... found myself lying sprawled... out on the deck...!

It was bad enough... that I felt like a perfect idiot... but then... to my horror... I suddenly felt the nausea... rise up in my throat... which made me scramble to my feet... as best I could... barely reaching the railing in time... to lean over it... retching my breakfast overboard - most un-ladylike - making me feel terribly embarrassed... at first... until... upon looking around me... red-faced... I noticed... with great relief... that some of the other passengers... were also throwing up overboard...!

Thanks to my lucky stars... Papa came to my rescue... by grabbing me by my arm... hauling me back up onto my feet... and propelling me towards what I subsequently learned... was quaintly called... the "Promenade Deck"...

Only what we were doing... was most certainly not "promenading" along leisurely... by any stretch of the imagination... Quite the contrary... for my helpful pater... with my arm tucked firmly under his... was briskly marching me along... around and around...!

And as the two of us strode tall... together... in perfect step... with the bracing sea wind... whipping our faces... caught up in the exhilarating sting... of the salt sea air... finding ourselves laughing exuberantly... sharing a rare close moment in time... (jealous... possessive Xenia... thank God... was nowhere in sight)... he reassured me... with a conspiratorial wink... that circulating around the deck... at a quick pace... as the ship circumnavigated its choppy course... was the only way to combat seasickness...!

Whenever Papa was stopped... to return some passenger's friendly greeting... an attack of nausea... would immediately make the bile... rise up in my throat...

And throwing caution to the winds... the sick feeling... giving me the courage... to face the possibility... of risking incurring his wrath... at having dared to intrude... on grown-ups talking... I would rudely interrupt their conversational pleasantries... insistently tugging at Papa's sleeve... begging him... to keep on "circulating" the "Promenade Deck" with me...

All longing... and nostalgia for Japan... was erased from my mind and heart... as I solely and fiercely concentrated... with every ounce of effort... to stand upright on my wonky... never ending... wobbly legs... hoping and praying... that I would not be swept overboard...!

Chapter 2
Yet Another Miraculous Deliverance... This Time From Certain Death...!

...Which had subsequently nearly happened... when... on impulse... I had jauntily stepped out... onto the open... unsheltered part... of the Promenade Deck... all by myself... that very afternoon... after lunch... thinking to myself... what a clever way I was using... to escape the unwanted siesta... Papa and Xenia expected me to take... Besides... I was much too keyed up... with the exciting novelty... of being aboard a ship... to sleep...

Totally unprepared... for the sudden onslaught of fierce gales... and stinging salt sea spray in my face... buffeting my extra long... skinny body about... as I stepped through the double doors... walking onto the huge open space of the deck... all of a sudden... without warning... I found myself sprawled on my back... once again...!

Then... as the ship rolled... and pitched... and tossed alarmingly... to my horror... my awkward gangly body... began to slide across the slippery deck... straight towards a section of open railing... which... to my utter consternation... I suddenly noticed... had a bar missing across it...!

So that... except for the handrail on top... about four feet above the deck... there was nothing but an open gap... where a body could easily slip through... and be swept overboard... into the choppy waters... far down below...!

Although I tried desperately... to scrabble to my feet... my heart pounding with mounting fear... my wrongly shod feet... found no purchase... nobody having cared enough... to see to it... that I had the proper type of "gripping" shoes... to wear... to traverse a highly polished surface... such as this deck obviously was...

So that... while the ship... at the mercy of the angry... gigantic sea... tossed and pitched about... in the choppy waves... like a toy boat... I kept on slipping... and sliding... my body seeming to be making a bee-line... straight for the open... gaping space... situated port side of the ship...!

A fierce wind started howling... around my ears... sounding ominous... and the sky turned dark... and frighteningly eerie... and becoming thoroughly frantic... I craned my neck... looking around for something to grab... and hold on to...

But alas... in vain... for there was absolutely nothing that I could see... but a flat... hard... gleaming surface... extending about thirty feet... on each side of my prone body...!

Clearly... there was not a single... solitary object available... that would help me get out of the extremely serious predicament... I was finding myself in...!

Realizing that I was totally cut off from all human contact... feeling thoroughly isolated... and abandoned... in the great big world of sea and sky... all around me... suddenly having the sense of being a tiny... insignificant creature of worthlessness... I began to accept the inevitability of my fate... and said logically... and quite calmly to myself...:

"Well... Graziella my dear... it looks like this is the end of the line for you... all your hopes and dreams of seeing the wide... wide world... is coming to an end... right here and now... your yearning... prayed for journey... over all the past years... abruptly cut short...!

And all because... once again... you have given in to your unfortunate streak of impulsiveness... which always gets you into hot water...!

Remember your last impulsive act... which led to your humiliation... over your precious... brand new Burberry raincoat... which you never got a chance to wear...?

And now your thoughtless... rampant stupidity... has landed you in dire straits... once again...!

Fancy that... a simple... brainless little act... plus the fact that your shoes are all wrong... for a slippery deck... not to mention your blatant... willful disobedience... to take a nap... has ultimately decided your fate...!

You still have not learned... that following your willful impulses... always gets you into trouble... and never turns out right...!

So... I guess you have to finally pay for your stupidity... now... and with your life...!!!

For you are most definitely going to topple overboard... fall into the raging sea below... just waiting to claim hapless you... for its own... your ill-fated body sinking... to disappear into the murky depths... forever and ever... the black bottom of the ocean... to become your cold... lonely grave... just like the old gypsy woman foretold... a few years ago...!

And nobody will ever know... that you have drowned... yet again...!

Only the last time... in your last incarnation... as a highborn... noble court lady... of a prominent Shogun family... you deliberately drowned yourself... to “save face”... because your Englishman betrothed... became enamored of your little... younger... more beautiful "itoko" (cousin)...!

Oh yes... I remember all those screaming in Japanese nightmares... when I was little... and Papa taking me to that awful place of doom... where I had drowned myself...!

Papa... meaning well... was trying to force me... to overcome my terror... of what happened there... in my last lifetime... which he had heard me describe so vividly... in high class Hiragana... in my dreams...!

Since nobody else has been so asinine... as to venture out on deck... in such stormy weather... as stupid you... there will be no witnesses... to your early... solitary demise...!”

And I had a feeling of inevitability... mixed with awe... at the sobering realization... of the very real danger... I was actually in... and about the suddenness... with which certain death... was again confronting me...!

As my extra long body... kept on sliding ever closer... and closer... towards the open railing... so did my faith in God's Loving Protection... surge ever stronger and stronger... within my being... with each alarming pitch... toss... and roll of the ship...

Realizing that I was doomed... to perish in the sea... just like the old Russian gypsy woman had foretold... just two years earlier... when she had read my palm... I became very calm and resigned...

And... accepting the fact... that I had deliberately reincarnated myself... into this lifetime... immediately after drowning... in order to be reunited... with my beloved... and therefore... possibly interrupted... my foreordained destiny... to possibly live a long life... I willingly surrendered myself... with total trust... and faith... into the Loving Arms... of my Heavenly Father... knowing that I Would Be Safely Cradled... to His Breast...

So that by the time... my extra long body... was dangling half way... over the side... my fear of falling into the angry depths of the sea... had totally abated...!

But then... in giving myself up completely... into God's Cherished Keeping... I happened to notice... that one of my gangly... never-ending "Grazi -L-o-n-g legs" - the left one - had somehow managed to wrap itself... around one of the railing posts... halting... somewhat... the sliding momentum... of my gangly body...!

But then... as my head lolled over the side... I happened to look down... and a surge of shock... swept through me... freezing me with panic... when I saw the awesome reality... of the raging waters... far down below...!

Then a Strange kind of Dizziness... Buzzed in my head... Numbing my senses... for an instant... And then I Experienced some kind of Odd... Jarring Awake Feeling... which... in turn... Gave me sudden Superhuman Strength... to Heave my body up... and Manage... with one hand... to Grab Hold of the handrail... above my head...!

Gripping it for dear life... I marveled to myself... how my Beloved Heavenly Father... Almighty God... Had Directed everything... that was happening to me...! First the Disorientation... then the Alertness... then the Power... to save myself...!

And it became very clear to me... that He Was Letting me know... that it was not yet the right time... for me to leave earth... and return to Him...!

I sat there on the deck... frozen... trembling... with only the roaring of the wind... in my ears... as it howled eerily... and relentlessly... around me... The ship was pitching... and rolling... so hard by now... that I became nauseous again... this time... vomiting my lunch over the side... loath to let go of my life-line railing... even for a split instant...!

I screamed for help... at the top of my considerable lungs... using my powerful singing voice... from my diaphragm... but it stayed trapped inside my throat... by the force... and thundering sound... of the eerily howling wind...

And I just sat there... the gloomy thought... crossing my mind... that if this stormy weather continued... nobody would be as assinine as I had been... to venture out on deck...

And because of my mindless stupidity... I might be doomed to stay there... sitting sprawled awkwardly... on the deck... for the rest of the sea voyage...!

Chastizing myself... over and over... thoroughly disgruntled... for having been so incredibly dumb... Of course... nobody else was on deck... just me... the brainless one - so why... oh why... had I not used simple common sense...? Would I ever learn... not to give in to impulsive behavior... which always turned out so wrongly for me...?

At the same time... I berated myself... I also prayed for a Miracle... terrified... that if Papa ever found out... he would most certainly be livid... at my disobedience... not to mention... yet again... disgusted at my stupidity...

And that... no doubt... as punishment... perhaps even going to the extreme... of forbidding me to ever again... go up on a deck... all alone by myself... or maybe even locking disobedient me... up in my cabin... for the rest of the voyage...!

And as I thought these despairing... gloomy thoughts... I suddenly became aware... that there was a momentary lull... the ship was not pitching and rolling so strongly...!

And I sang out... with exhilaration...:

"Oh Thank You... Thank You... My Heavenly Father... For Answering My Prayers...!"

Quickly seizing the opportunity... I let go of the railing... and managed somehow... to crawl across the wide expanse of the slippery... highly polished deck... to safety... before the next toss... pitch and roll...

I never told anyone... of how close I had flirted with death... that blustery afternoon... but from then on... kept a very wary distance... from the ship's railing... even those sections... where all the bars were in place... confining myself... only to the center of the decks... whenever the seas were even slightly rough... and I recognized the signs of that particular... ominous pitching... tossing... and rolling... of the ship... becoming very sensitive... to the slightest change... under my now very aware feet...

Chapter 3
This Humble To God Soul's Special Spiritual Grace... Of Life-Long Protection... Which... Because Of Her Modesty... She Does Not Truly Realize... Until She Is Exceedingly Blessed... To Be Inwardly... Gloriously "Awakened..."... And "Opened..."... Into The Miracle Of SUBUD... When She Is In Her Thirty-First Year Of Life...!

That frightening experience... made me realize... more than ever before... that a Divine Pattern... had already Been Set in Motion for me... ever since I was a little girl... and that I had Been Greatly Blessed... by Being Given Three Divine Recourses... by my most Revered... and Beloved Heavenly Father...:

The First... when the by now familiar Voice... of my Guardian Angel Friend... Who Made me aware of Him... when I was about four... then Let me see Him... on the day before my fifth birthday... both times... Rescuing me from being kidnapped... for the thriving... Oriental Sex Slave Trade... either Warns me of imminent... impending danger... or literally Saves me... or spontaneously Imparts some Message... for my benefit... by always Whispering... in my right ear...

The Second... wherein I surrender myself totally... to my Creator... my Beloved Heavenly Father... in full trust and faith... in Him... awaiting whatever He Wills... for me... such as when I experience those frightening... puzzling... instant strength debilitating attacks... of the lurch/hammering of my heart... which strangely... never occur... due to physical exertion...!

And the Third... when... should I find myself... in a precarious situation... helpless... and unable to fend for myself... or unable to take control... of my dubious dilemma... I need but make myself become still... and calm... empty my head... of all disquieting thoughts... and asking within myself... in that ultra quiet state... whether I was indeed... in mortal danger or not... when... invariably... I would hear a calm Voice... within my soul... Reassuring me... that such was not the case...

Thus... throughout this lifetime... I have had... what I truly believe... to be some form of Divine Protection... and Guidance... which has made me rely totally... and with complete faith... in Them... ever since I was about four years old... when I made the acquaintance... of my Guardian Angel Friend... for the very first time... and then He Revealed Himself to me... on the day before my fifth birthday... Rescuing me... when I was kidnapped by Chinese thugs...!

For instance... to give a few examples... while I was in the process... of getting raped once... in England... by an overpowering... muscular... handsome young German POW (prisoner-of-war)... when I was a tender... sensitive seventeen year old virgin... and had stupidly flirted with him... believing myself to be safe... from attack... because I was having my period... as I cried out... in terror... to my Heavenly Father... for Help... He Had Sent His Guardian Angel... Down to me... yet again... Who Had Commanded me... in my right ear...:

"Laugh At Him...!"

And I sincerely believe... that by my instant obedience... to His Urging Command... which made my well-educated... decently raised... would be attacker... who had not seen a young girl... in six years... horrified at himself... immediately come to his senses... actual penetration of my virginal body... by him... was Miraculously averted...!

Even though that utterly terrifying experience... caused me to suffer a deep seated... sexual trauma... as a result... which would last for some 50 years... before the devastating effects... Would Gradually Become Purified... by the Power of Almighty God...!

(That harrowing experience... is also fully told... in detail... in my Spiritual Odyssey... "From Seven Hells... To Seventh Heaven... SUBUD...")

And then there was that never to be forgotten time... at the Miami Marina - when I was in my early forties... and by the Grace of God... still looking twenty years younger - when I accidentally slipped on the highly polished deck... of my new boyfriend's yacht... as we were about to dock... and my six foot two inch body plunged... with me utterly dazed... feet first into the water... six feet below...!

And as I fell... my Guardian Angel Friend... Had again Saved me... from God Knows what terrible disfigurement... or even death... by Commanding me... in my right ear...:

"Throw Your Head Back...!"

Right at the instant... before my chin was about to collide... with the sharp edge of the pier...!

Then there was the time... a few years later... when I was in a hurry... to get to an extremely important SUBUD Meeting and Dinner... at the SUBUD Marin House... in California... for which I was late... because I had let the exhausted Regional Helpers... nap as long as possible... in my apartment...

In hastily rounding the corner... from the passage way... to rush downstairs... I had accidentally snagged my heel... on the back edge of the top third step... of an outdoor... open-air stairway... tripped on the long skirt I was wearing... and losing my balance... my six foot two body... tipping forward... had fallen... head first... headlong down the steep flight of stairs... straight towards the cement pavement... about ten feet below...!

Knowing that my skull... was certain to be crushed... as I saw myself - all six feet two... and one hundred and thirty pounds - plunging down head first... full tilt towards certain death... I realized... that there was only one recourse for me...

And it was... that I surrender myself completely... into the Hands of my Heavenly Father... Allah Almighty God... just as on the many times... of my heart palpitation attacks... and on board the "Tjisadane"... and numerous other times... throughout my life... so that I would die... with the awareness... of remembering my Creator... and my abiding... utter trust... and faith in Him... and my deep... unconditional love for Him...

But in the split second... before my skull made contact... with the unyielding... hard cement... I distinctly felt a Mysterious Force... Gently Twist my body about...!

So that instead of landing... on the top of my head... as I should have... the forceful impact... crushing my skull... and my being killed outright... I Miraculously fell on my right forearm... instead...!

However... I did consequently suffer a long-lasting... temporarily crippling... bout of Karmic Tendonitis... which I owed to my mother... and which painful experience... taught me a most valuable lesson...:

Never... ever... to be in a hurry...!

Not for anything... nor for anyone... because the normal pace... of one's soul... is indeed much slower... than faster...!

Furthermore... as I have already revealed above... which bears repeating... I am always Protected... and Stopped... from eating any part... of the unclean flesh of the pig... whether in the form of pork chow mein... chops... ham... or bacon...!

Except for once... in order to teach me a most valuable... Divine Lesson... when my Heavenly Father... Allowed me to eat a gift of some ham... then Paralyzed my entire body... Making me experience... the stink of pig... oozing out of every pore... for hours on end... even though I happened to be living... at the edge of poverty... at the time... forced by Almighty God... to earn my living... as a lowly paid cleaning woman... for the Catholic Church... earning only $8.00 a week...!

He Had Put me... into a State of Disgrace... because I had willfully left my most difficult to live with husband... not just once... but three times... against His Will... then allowed him... who had become unfaithful... and living in adultery... with another woman... with whom he seemed to be so happy... to divorce me...!

In addition... I am also never Allowed... more than three sips... at a time... of drinking any alcoholic beverage... Almighty God Always Making the glass... Painfully Bite... my sensitive upper lip... every single time... as I am about to take a fourth sip... even if absentmindedly...!

My Guardian Angel’s Warning... and Protecting me... in time... Averted two serious car accidents... from happening - perhaps even resulting in death...!

And by the time I had my third car accident... the worst one... of all... I was already for many years... in the practice of surrendering myself totally... and unconditionally... to The Power of The One Allah Almighty God... throughout my waking... and sleeping hours...

And did so instantly... on that very dangerous occasion... as is automatically normal... when one is following... and practicing the True Path of Spiritual Growth... and Development... called SUBUD...

Chapter 4
A Miraculous Deliverance... From My Worst... Nearly Fatal... Car Accident...!

It happened in the early months of 1978... when I was about forty-eight... and by the Grace of God... still looking twenty years younger... when... whilst driving through the treacherous... winding mountain roads of Wyoming... in my little green Pinto... in the dawn hours... of an inky black night... in the middle of winter... headed from Denver... Colorado... to California... where my husband Farlan and I... were relocating to... my car had suddenly swerved a little... with me having no idea... whatsoever... that it happened... while crossing an icy bridge...!

At the unexpectedness... of the swaying... a spasm of fear... had raced throughout my body... But then... my car having righted itself... I bravely went on... trying to keep up with Farlan... who... anxious to find a place to turn off... for our breakfast... was racing on ahead of me... in his car... to which a great big Ryder moving van... packed with all our belongings... was hooked up to...

But then... a short while later... as I ignorantly crossed yet another bridge... without warning... my car swerved again... only this time... a little sharper... almost making me lose control... of the steering wheel...!

Quite alarmed... my heart lurched down to my toes... and I had to fight the nausea... rising in my throat... But then the car was smoothly on track again... I had managed to drive across the bridge... to the other side... so I doggedly kept on... not wanting to lose sight of my husband's car... speeding on ahead of me...

For some inexplicable reason... I took off the fur hat... I was wearing... at the same time... trying to calm the sudden caterwauling... of our tomcat... Poody... who heretofore... had been quietly sitting in my lap... purring away... happily looking out of the side window... but who... now frightened... was jumping all about... making an awful... raucous fuss...

Driving as I was... in pitch blackness... on a winding... unlit mountain road... there never was any advance warning... that I was about to drive onto a bridge... so that when my car swerved... for the third time... only this time... it was far worse... than the other two times... the frightening sensation... of the sudden... haphazard zigzagging... of the wheels... on the icy surface... underneath my feet... scared the living daylights out of me...!

At the same time... there was a sudden increase in traffic... on the road... where I noticed a number of huge semi vehicles... roaring by... zooming dangerously close to me... and rocking my little Pinto car... alarmingly... their powerful headlights... almost blinding me...!

Becoming thoroughly unnerved... and rattled... I called out desperately... into the pitch black darkness... both to my Heavenly Father... Allah Almighty God... and my Guardian Angel...:

"Please... Help me... How am I supposed to go on driving...?"

And was shocked to hear a Thunderous Answer... Commanding me...:

"You Slow Down...!"

But it was far too late... I no longer had any control of my skidding car...!

And as my front bumper... collided with the guardrail... across the road... to my left... with a huge crash... and I distinctly felt my little car... begin to tip forward... over its side... the sight of the guardrail... made an incredibly beautiful dream... of about a month earlier... suddenly flash through my mind...!

I happened to be driving my little Pinto car... through the mountains... in pitch black darkness... late at night... then skidding out of control... on an icy bridge... had gone over the guardrail... my car and me in it... plunging thirty feet down below...!

And as we hurtled down... suddenly there was a Heavenly Host of Angels... Surrounding me... and They Were Singing Praises to Allah...!

And then the car was suddenly gone... and I was Floating in the air... Feeling as Light as a Feather... my soul Expanding... as never before... and Filled with Overwhelming... Blissful Love... for my Heavenly Father... my Creator... Allah Almighty God...!

My Inner Being Was Widening... with such utter Spiritual Ecstasy... that I could not help but burst out... into joyous songs of Praise to Him... ecstatically joining in with the Singing Angels... joyfully proclaiming... over and over again...:

"ALLAH...! ALLAH...! ALLAH...!"

And with each Joyful "ALLAH..."... my soul felt Lighter and Lighter... and Wider and Wider... the further I gently Floated Upward... towards my true home... Heaven... with Heavenly Angels... on each side of me... Accompanying me... all the while we all Blissfully Sang... our Praises to Him... our Beloved Creator... On High...!

The reason why I was addressing my Heavenly Father... as Allah... was because it was His Will... when I was about 45... and in my 14th year in SUBUD... that I no longer worship Him... as a Christian... but as a Muslim... but only Inwardly... and not with my heart and mind... meaning that I was not to study... the religion of Islam... and practice its regulated rituals...!

So that I would learn to become more obedient... and more submissive... to His Perfect Will for me... and less willful... and detrimentally impulsive... Islam meaning... submission... and obedience... to the Will of Allah...

Commanding me that... henceforth... I was to address Him... as Allah... and then shortly after... Joining me... in His Willed... Jiwa to Jiwa Holy Marriage... to a much younger man... called Farlan... being one of his more favored... faithful sons... and that my life would... from then on... become one of...:

“Now Inner Life Only... No More Outer Life...!”

Whereupon He very Abruptly Ended... all my busy activity... of working in the world... at the time... which I had loved...!

Such as working for a prominent... San Francisco Chiropractor... a SUBUD Brother... practicing healing... in the form of Accupressure... teaching Singing... and French... Elocution... and Writing... plus stringing beads for Dharma... as well as being a ghostwriter...!

Thus Almighty Allah... Made my fiercely independent self... totally dependent... upon my much younger husband... from then on... which was very hard for me to accept...!

(Our unique Allah Willed marriage... which was solely Orchestrated... Guided... and Directed by Him... in which we Were Forbidden... to relate to each other... from our hearts... but only from our "Jiwas" (Inner selves)... is fully described... in my Spiritual Odyssey... "From Seven Hells... To Seventh Heaven... SUBUD...")

There was much more that followed... in my wonderful Angel Dream... so that when I awoke... I could only remember... the tail end - about a separate Angel of God... suddenly Appearing... - quite a common occurrence for me - to Tell me Something... about the fact... that I would soon be moving to California...!

Finding myself again... in a situation... over which I had absolutely no control... I had done the only thing I could do... under the very real grave circumstances of... in all probability... death staring me in the face... yet again...!

I surrendered myself... with utter faith... and trust... completely... into the Hands of my Creator... my Heavenly Father... Allah Almighty God...

And as I did so... I Felt myself Losing consciousness... and just before I completely blacked out... a tiny thought... passed through my mind... about what a pity it was... that my beloved husband... of about three years... Farlan... and I... Were Being separated... so abruptly... from one another...!

Sad that there would be no opportunity... for me to thank him... for being such a wonderful... caring husband to me... ask his forgiveness... for the many times... I had exasperated him... because I was not as smart... and quick-witted... as he... the genius... was... in the brain department... bid each other... a proper farewell...

I was also quite certain... that he would blame himself... for my accident... and what a terrible burden... it would be for him... to have on his conscience...

I do recall... coming to... for a brief moment... woozily noticing... through the totally shattered windshield... of my car... that there was a large wheel... above my head...!

And not wanting to have to deal with what that might signify... murmuring...:

"I'll puzzle that strange phenomenon out later...!"

... I had preferred to sink back... into the soft... Blissful State... of surrendering myself to my Creator... the One Allah Almighty God... once again... Who Simply... And Mercifully... Put me back into Blissful Unconsciousness... once again...!

When I came to... the second time... I found myself... in pitch black darkness... sitting upright... in the driver's seat... of my car... with my hands... still gripping the steering wheel... and because of my Wonderful Angel Dream... of a few weeks ago... I quite naturally believed... that I had died... and gone to Heaven...!

And although I was still sitting in my car... vaguely noticing that there was a lot of blood... and a lot of glass... everywhere... around me... as it started to get light... outside my window... I felt very alert...!

About to step out of my car... I was stopped... by hearing the Voice of my Guardian Angel... Sharply Commanding me... in my right ear...:

"Do Not Move... Sit Perfectly Still...!"

After the longest time of waiting... sitting stock still... during which time... I was delighted to notice... in the mirror... that Poody was still also in the car... now calmly sitting perched... high up... on the window ledge... of the back seat... and therefore... must also be in Heaven with me... I suddenly heard an unfamiliar... Disembodied Male Voice... in the dawn's early light... outside my car window... Which Calmly Said...:

"The Bridge Got You...!"

Then there was utter silence... And there were no footsteps... either before... or after He spoke to me...!

So... I simply waited patiently... believing that He was an Angel of God... and that another Angel... would Come by shortly... to Instruct me what to do next... Direct me where to go...

Then... continuing to sit perfectly still... heeding my Guardian Angel's Command... after a long while... it seemed... I did hear footsteps... and they were pounding towards me...!

And then I heard the voice of my beloved husband... Farlan... crying out in anguish...:

"Oh my God... What have I done...?!"

Horrified to see the shocking sight... of his beloved wife... with her head all covered in blood... and a huge left black eye... and bloody bits of glass... all over her body...!

Seeing my husband's stricken face... instantly wanting to reassure him... I gave him a bright smile... and calmly told him... that except for a feeling of enormous pressure... in my head... I was perfectly all right...!

But he was not convinced... believing that the alertness... and well-being... I was exhibiting... was simply a moment of lucidity... a momentary precursor... before death... for he had been a witness... to such instances... in many patients before... when he had worked at a hospital... as their all round maintenance man...

Expecting me to expire... at any moment... he kept begging me... over and over... to please forgive him... paying no heed to my response... that there was absolutely nothing to forgive...

And no amount of reassurance from me... could convince my concerned... worried husband... that I was not at death's door... not even when the paramedics... finally arrived... to gingerly extricate my six foot two body... from the wreckage...

Upon seeing my husband... I of course realized... that I had not died... and returned to my home in Heaven... after all... but was still alive and... well... - not exactly kicking - on earth...!

And telling him... how I believed that Poody and I had both died... and gone to Heaven... when I saw him... calmly sitting... high up on the back seat window ledge... and turned around... to show him... Poody was gone...!

As the hansome young paramedics... carted a very anxious me... off to the nearest hospital... Farlan promised to find my adored pet of two years... Sent down to me from Heaven... and with whom there was wonderful communication between us... even in dreams... where he would educate me... explaining all about the unique... fascinating... male cat world... just like my mother cat Kissa... explained the female cat world to me... in Japan...!

Apparently... while my husband was speeding on ahead... in search of a place... to turn off for breakfast... he suddenly noticed... that his wife's little green Pinto... was no longer behind him...!

He knew how much she loved her little car... but every time he saw it... innocently parked... outside their apartment... in Aurora... Denver... when he came home from work... he would get an overwhelming feeling... to get rid of it...! And he now wondered... whether what he had been feeling... was some kind of warning...!

Just then he noticed a large vehicle... in his mirror... gaining up on him...

Immediately stopping his car... he got out... and flagging down the driver... of the huge semi eighteen-wheeler... enquired whether he had happened to see a little green Pinto... on the road... behind him...

Whereupon the man filled him in... telling him how he had overheard... on his C.B. radio... two truckers seeing a little car... swerving on a bridge...!

Becoming alarmed... and also being Inwardly "Opened..." and "Awakened..." ... in SUBUD... for some years... Farlan stilled himself... surrendering himself to Almighty God... for His Guidance... and Received just one Word...:

"Run...!"

The injuries I sustained... were a deep gash in my skull... where the roof of my car... had caved in... in the shape of a "V"... pinning me to my seat... quite an enormous... perfectly round black left eye... a permanent crook... in my left little pinkie... and a dose of whiplash...!

My five-inch long head wound... on the upper left side of my scalp... requiring two painful sets of stitches... at a brand new hospital... in a mining town... at the top of the mountain... called Sweetwater... where I was their very first outpatient... healed nicely... although the doctor said... that if the nasty looking gash... had been a millimeter deeper... it would have killed me... for my brain was exposed..!

It was a good thing... that I had taken off my fur hat... otherwise the damage to my head... would have been much worse... the long gash in my skull... possibly contaminated... by the dirt and bacteria... in the fur...!

Both the paramedics and doctor... were amazed... that I wasn't in shock... but extremely alert... for the deep head injury... I had suffered...!

When the handsome young doctor... briskly sat me down... to sew up my gaping head wound... a little put out... that he had been summoned... so early in the morning... I immediately surrendered myself... to my Creator... Allah Almighty God... and with each painful stitch of the doctor’s... the word “ALLAH...”... Spontaneously... and Reverently... Issued out of my mouth...!

And when he heard me... his whole brisk demeanor changed... and he softened... and giving me a very warm... gentle smile... he begged me to forgive him... for having to hurt me...!

And then Farlan was there... and he quickly reassured me... as I looked up at him anxiously... that Poody was all right... and that... probably after having gone off... to do his business... he had simply got back into the ruined car... and sat back down... high up on the window ledge... of the back seat...!

The pleasant change... in the doctor’s manner... gave me the courage... to demurely mention... that my bottom hurt... which alarmed him... and quickly made him suggest... that I remove my slacks... so that he could have a look...

And as soon as I removed them... a huge shower of glass... rained down... around my feet... from inside them...!

This amazing... mind-boggling sight... made the doctor suggest... that I remove the rest of my clothing... so that he could further examine my body for any cuts... as well...!

But although a hundred and thirty pounds... of six foot two me... had been sitting... on sharp splinters of glass... for over an hour... not a single one of them... had lacerated my bottom... not even by a single sliver... nor any other part of my body...!!!

Miracle that my body was totally unscathed...? Oh yes... I believe so... most certainly...

As I was carefully attended to... by a young male nurse... later on... after all the X-rays... had been taken... showing that no bones... had been broken... as he gently removed slivers of windshield glass... from my face... with tweezers... in one hand... and a magnifying glass... in the other... he exclaimed... his voice full of awe... that my Guardian Angel... Must Have Been Sitting on my shoulder... for there were tiny bits of glass... embedded all over my face... but not a single one... had penetrated my skin enough... to draw any blood...!

Furthermore... that there were tiny slivers of glass... nestled in my eyelashes... that could have easily pierced my eyes... blinding me... but Miraculously hadn't...!

When the handsome young policeman... came to the hospital... to interview me... in order to make out his Accident Report... he had quite an interesting story to tell me... about two truckers... driving their huge semi-transport vehicles... one in front of my car... and the other behind it...

Apparently... the driver behind me... noticed... in the glare of his headlights... a little green Pinto... suddenly swerving dangerously... on the slippery... icy bridge... hitting the guardrail... tipping over... then vanishing out of sight... into thin air...!

Becoming alarmed... for he knew that particular bridge... to have a very steep drop... traveling that mountain route... frequently... he radioed his friend ahead of him... on his C.B. unit... to tell him about what he had just witnessed... suggesting that they stop... and see whether they could be of assistance... do anything to help rescue the driver... at least...

Whereupon his friend commented... that there would not be much likelihood... of finding the driver of the car still alive... not when the car had plunged down... thirty feet below...!

But wanting to be good Samaritans... and do the decent thing... (and maybe even feeling guilty... about how they had driven too close to my car... with the intention of rattling me...)... they decided... between them... to stop and investigate...

And... as the first driver... walked back to his friend's vehicle... to his utter amazement... he noticed... that the car... his buddy had seen... going down over the guardrail... had somehow become wedged... in the middle of his own vehicle... in the wheel well...!

Not only that mind-boggling... puzzling fact... but that unaware... he must have driven at least a quarter of a mile... dragging it... sticking out... along with him...!

Now... you may well ask yourself... Number One...:

How on earth... had my car managed to land... stuck in the wheel well... of a gigantic semi eighteen-wheeler... when I distinctly felt it tip over the guardrail... and it had been seen... by the second driver... tipping over the guardrail... as well... and disappearing...!!!???

And Number Two...:

How come the driver behind it... could not see its bright green wedged rear end... sticking out...!!!???

Miraculous...? Oh yes indeed... I do most certainly believe so...

I firmly believe... that while I lay unconscious... hurtling down in my car... over the guardrail... some Angels... Sent down by God... Came by... Lifted up my car... before it crashed... and Deposited it... in the middle of that one trucker's vehicle... Keeping it invisible... to the driver behind it... until the appropriate moment... when it was Meant to be discovered... so that they could very carefully extricate it... together...!

Thus... through the timely Intervention... of God’s Heavenly Angels... my life was saved... yet again... from certain death...!

The handsome young policeman... commented that I must be a devout Christian lady... for in examining the wreckage of my car... totally unsalvageable... he concluded... that only a Miracle... could have saved my life...!

And I smiled secretly to myself... in agreement... not thinking it necessary... to correct his natural assumption... that I was a Christian... for there is no monopoly... on Miraculous Deliverances... they can happen to anyone... whether Christian... or Muslim... or Jew... or any other religious denomination... or even to somebody... with no religious beliefs at all...!

For all one needs to do... is believe in God... and His Host of Angels... and that Miracles... Do Indeed Happen... believe it with all one's mind... heart... body and soul... one's entire being...

In fact... I have come to the point today... where I truly believe... only in Miracles...!

The only permanent reminder... of my Miraculous... Divine Deliverance... from that incredible... almost fatal car accident... after X-rays were taken... to see whether I had any broken bones... is my left little pinkie finger... which has a slight... permanent bend in it... at the tip... because of the fact... that all throughout the harrowing experience... I never took my hands... off the steering wheel...!

Later on... as I lay recuperating... in a very cozy... brand new mountain motel... for about a week... I wondered to myself... why the semi truckers... after carefully removing... my wrecked car... from the wheel well... with an unconscious me... and my cat... inside it... had been so uncaring... as to just leave me there... all alone... on a high mountain road... in the middle of the night... and driven off...!

And I finally came to the conclusion... that the “friends”... who had caught up with me... that they told the policeman about... asking them to be so kind... as to summon paramedics for me... on their CB radios... since there were no cell phones... at that time... must have been some Angels of God... Who Must Have Appeared to them... Dressed in ordinary earthly guise... and a momentarily Materialized car...!

So... as can be seen from the above... I have always surrendered myself totally... and unconditionally... to my Heavenly Father... The One Allah Almighty God... for His Protection... and in doing so... have somehow Miraculously had... not only my life spared... but spared grievous bodily harm... as well... often with my Guardian Angel... Advising me what to do - with actually only some comparatively slight injuries... to my body...

Except for that time... when I fell off the slippery deck... of my new boyfriend's yacht... which was totally my own stupid fault... because... in wanting to be helpful... to the suddenly materialized men... who were grunting with the effort... of hauling my exceptionally tall... six foot two... heavy... water drenched body... out of the water... I had made myself go limp... which resulted in my shoulders... being painfully wrenched... out of their sockets... and cracked ribs... which took months to heal...!

&&&&

Chapter 5
A Few Examples... Of How This Humble To God SUBUD Soul... Has Been Living... The SUBUD Way Of Life...!

About thirty-one years ago... in my 14th year in SUBUD... my Heavenly Father and Creator... The One Almighty God... Gave me my last... and Eternal name... “Muftiah”... Conveyed to me... through his Beloved son... Bapak... who Was Chosen by Almighty God... to bring... and spread... the Wondrous Miracle of SUBUD... throughout this largely suffering... chaotic world... ravaged by two World Wars...

And shortly after... He Commanded... that I now experience worshipping Him Inwardly only... as a Muslim... calling upon His Holy Name... as "Allah"... and no longer as a Christian... calling upon His Holy Name... as "Heavenly Father" ... or "Almighty God"...

And unto this very day... some thirty-five years later... I have been undergoing a life of “Inner Life Only... No More Outer Life...”... Being Trained by Allah Almighty God... to be instantly obedient... to His Perfect Will for me... continuing to worship Him Inwardly... as a Muslim... which for me... means being unconditionally surrendered... to Him... at all times...

Unconditionally surrendered to Him... means that I neither pray for... nor hope for... nor expect anything in particular for myself from Him... except that His Perfect Will Be Done Unto me...

For He Knows me... inside out... far better than I know myself... and Knows exactly what I need... in order to grow... and develop... into becoming the noble woman of excellent character... He Expects of me... His ever loving daughter and most willing servant... According to His Perfect Will...

And ever since my “Inner Life Only...” Phase began... His Commands to "Obey Allah...!"... and Reminders... of "Allah Guiding...!"... Rising from my innermost self... involuntarily Issuing... out of my mouth... have become my daily... and nightly forms of Divine Guidance...

Occurring spontaneously... throughout the hours of the day and night... sometimes every five to ten minutes... sometimes every thirty minutes... sometimes every hour... every single day and night... of my Miraculous SUBUD life... in which I am constantly being Divinely Reminded... of the Holy Presence of God... His Spirit... inside my being... Perpetually Guiding... and Directing... the moments of my life...!

It is so wonderful... and I feel so Blessed... to be constantly Reminded thus... by my Loving... Merciful Creator... in our very special... One-on-One relationship... making me feel very humble... and aware... that without my wholehearted willingness... to have every moment of my life... Guided... And Directed... by The Divine... Great Holy Life Force... of The One Allah Almighty God... which I constantly Feel Pulsing... inside me... like a Gentle Vibration... I am as if dead... and less than nothing...!

And that without "remembering" ... to ask for the Divine Protection... of The One Allah Almighty God... before undertaking any action... I cannot expect that action... to be Divinely Protected... nor can I blame Him... if it does not turn out right...

And for the past over 27 years or so... These Regular Daily... and Nightly Commands Have Continued...:

"Obey Allah...!" ... and “Allah Guiding...!” ... and more recently... "Receive... Obeying Allah...!" ... and "Amen Allah...!"... and "Living Only For Allah...!"

And over these past 27 years or so... even during the seven years... when I was totally bedridden... suffering one God-Willed Stroke after another... He Would periodically Command me...:

"Now Write...!"

Hence the creation of my Spiritual Odyssey... "From Seven Hells... To Seventh Heaven... SUBUD...” ... a great deal of it... chronicling my amazing SUBUD life... a few experiences of which... I have just written about... above... has come into fruition...

Here is another example... of many... of how my “Inner Life Only... No More Outer Life...” ... is lived...

When all my working in the world... which I had loved being involved in... came to an abrupt halt... by the Command of my Creator... I naturally wondered... whether it would also include... no longer Being Allowed... to go to the movies... and dining out... at fine restaurants... the only two things... that my new husband and I enjoyed doing together... in common...

And was delighted... to Receive... that those two pleasures... were still Permitted... by Almighty Allah... with one exception... I quickly realized...!

Usually... after seeing an interesting movie... I would enjoy discussing the various aspects of it... afterwards... interested to know how my date... or lover... or husband... thought about the quality of the main stars’ acting... the plot... whether it was better than the book... it was made from... etc. etc...

But after the very first movie... my new husband Farlan and I saw together... in my now new Allah Willed... “Inner Life Only...” Phase... intending to discuss it with him... as usual... eager to hear what his impressions were... because he was so much smarter than I was... as soon as we were back in our car... to my utter amazement... I started to Receive Spontaneous Yawning... an Indication... I learned... very early in my SUBUD life... that would instantly Stop... all my thinking...!

The huge... most unlady-like... Yawning my head off... with Tears streaming down my cheeks... as usual... Lasted for about five minutes...

And when It was over... and I turned to Farlan... to talk about the fascinating movie... we had just seen... together... my mind was a total blank...! And furthermore... I could not even remember... what movie it was...!

So it was clear... that it was all right to see a movie... but absolutely nothing of it... was allowed to linger... in my thoughts... or in my feelings... afterwards...!

So that I would always be empty... and still... for Almighty Allah... to Fill me... with the Awareness... of His Great Holy Life Force... and Let me Feel... His Particular Will... His Direction... and Guidance for me... and for the moments... of my daily life...!

Chapter 6
The One And Only Time... This Soul... as Muftiah... Defiantly Questioned... And Disobeyed... Her Constant... Perpetual... Daily Guidance... Of "Obey Allah...!"... And "Allah Guiding...!"... Thereby Losing Dearest Lilijana... One Of Her Closest SUBUD Sisters... In The Process...!

There is only once... when this usually humble to God soul... as Muftiah... became willful... and defiant... and protested... about constantly Being Reminded... to...:

“Obey Allah...!”... and "Allah Guiding...!"!

And it happened... in her ninth SUBUD year... of “Inner Life Only... No More Outer Life...”... Spiritual Training...

She has already shared this shameful episode... with her many SUBUD Brothers and Sisters... all over the SUBUD world... in her first “Open Letter” to them... which she Was Commanded to write... and which her Beloved Bapak... during one of his many Visitations... always Appearing to her... youthfully Vibrant... and Alive... has told her... bears repeating here...

It happened to be in her second year... of being totally bed-ridden... with numerous God-Willed Strokes... which another very close SUBUD Sister... Isnaini... her beloved little Japanese "Itoko" (cousin) ... reunited from their previous incarnation... and she... had both Received about happening... in advance... and independently of each other...!

And early one morning... as Muftiah lay in bed... and Received yet another Spontaneous Reminder... to “Obey Allah...!” ... and "Allah Guiding...!"... instead of accepting her spontaneous Guidance... as usual... she found herself... suddenly becoming her old defiant... rebellious self...!

And feeling very annoyed... she vehemently protested... that surely she could not possibly disobey Allah... when she was now... not only confined... to the bedroom of her home... but even permanently bed-ridden... and Being also constantly Reminded... by Him... that it was her time now... to prepare herself... to leave earth...?

So Almighty Allah... Decided to Teach His naughtily willful daughter... yet another valuable... painful Lesson...

A few days later... still Receiving periodically... as usual... to “Obey Allah...!” ... and “Allah Guiding...!”... and other Reminders... about being prepared to die soon... Muftiah woke up early... one morning... with a very strong urge... inside her... to get in contact... with her Beloved SUBUD Sister... Lilijana... whom she had not seen... or talked to... in about two years... feeling an overwhelming longing... to hear the lovely sound... of her melodious voice...!

And since... for the past twelve years... she was Being Trained... to always check with Allah first... before taking any action... she got quiet... and surrendered herself to Him... and asked Him... whether it was all right for her to telephone... her dearest SUBUD Sister... Lilijana... who now lived way down in Soquel...

And to her happy delight... she Received the Answer of...:

“Of Course It Is All Right...!”

But then... she became very much aware... of that Holy Stillness... that she knew so well... and after a little while... of the Holy Silence...:

“But Better Not...!”

A little perplexed... at the mixed Message... she asked again... in case she had not quite understood Almighty Allah's Reply... but Received the very same Words again...

And that is when... she is ashamed to confess... she became her old willful self... yet again... and tossing her auburn head... in defiance... declared that she simply had to talk to Lilijana... and was going to call her up... then and there... and proceeded to dial her number... long distance... in Soquel...!

Well... needless to say... their telephone conversation... was a fiasco... with no real... close communication... between them... to speak of... and she lost a dear Sister... for good... in the process...!

Oh please forgive your loving SUBUD sister... dearest... sweetest Lilijana...

After Muftiah put the receiver down... she Felt very Strange... Foolish... and Off Balance... which was a very familiar Experience for her... since this is how she Was Made to Feel... by her Creator... whenever she was naughtily willful... and defiantly impulsive... which meant that she audaciously believed... that she knew what was right for her... much better than God Did...!!!

And she immediately knew... that she had been defiantly disobedient... to her Beloved Heavenly Father... Allah Almighty God... Who Had Always Given her Perfect Guidance... for her particular nature... character... and personality...

And as she lay... confined to her bed... and as the day progressed... the Bad Feeling about herself... Deepened... and Intensified... until she became filled with self-loathing... and disgust... at herself... for being so naughtily willful... and defiant... even though it was the very first time... as Muftiah... a Muslim SUBUD name... that Bapak had Received from Almighty Allah... to Give her... and which she was known as... for about fourteen years now...

By the evening... Muftiah was so full of self-hatred... and self-disgust... that she could not bear... for her dearly beloved husband... Farlan... to see her in that awful State of Punishment... feeling ever more Exposed... Strange... Foolish... and Off Balance...

But to make matters worse... when he came home that evening... after fulfilling his contract... as an Electrical Contractor... he was very sweet... and exceptionally loving... towards his wife... insisting... that he stay close to her... even Receiving... to sleep by her side that night... in her bed... in the full knowledge... that Almighty Allah... Had Ended their sexual unions... for good... in their seventh year of marriage... shortly before her first God-Willed stroke...!

All through the long... endless night... Muftiah... full of self-loathing... lay beside her... now in name only husband... in his loving arms... feeling tortured... and wanting nothing more... than to cringe... as far away from him... as she possibly could... unable to sleep a wink...

Then... when morning finally... mercifully came... Farlan awoke early... and suddenly Made to appear... very angry with his wife... although he felt no actual anger... towards her... he turned on her... and brought up unhappy events... of their past... his voice full of contemptuous criticism... and dislike...!

After about an hour... of Farlan’s vehement haranguing... Muftiah could take no more... and sobbing... as weak as she was... she staggered into the bathroom... locking herself in... and sat down on the throne... trembling all over... trying to quieten herself...

And after a little while... with the bathroom... having become Filled with a Holy Stillness... she knew so well... a Voice Spoke to her... Quietly Asking...:

“Do You Still Believe... That You No Longer... Need To Be Reminded... To “Obey Allah...”?

And a flood of shame filled remorse... swept throughout her whole being... and she fell to her knees... sobbing... and wailing so hard... begging Allah’s Forgiveness... as never before... it seemed... that she burst the capillaries... on her face...!

It so happened... that her dear namesake SUBUD Sister... Muftiah... - may she be happy... and at peace... in the Glory of her Eternal Afterlife... - Received to come the very next day... to worship Allah Almighty God... in the Latihan Kejiwaan of SUBUD... together with her...

And when she saw this Muftiah’s pock-marked face... and she confessed her shameful story... to her dear Sister... she told her... how it had happened to her son once... and how it had taken months to heal... and not to expect her condition... to clear up soon...!

But for this Muftiah... the painful Reminder... of her disobedience to Allah... every time she Was Made... to look into a mirror... which was often... only lasted for eight days... and on the ninth morning... when she awoke... her red.. angry-looking... pock-marked face... had Miraculously Cleared up... overnight...!

Since that memorable... painful Lesson... this soul... as Muftiah... for all Glorious Eternity... she Has Been Told... has never again... questioned... or protested... about her Beloved Heavenly Father... Allah Almighty God's Daily... minutely... and hourly... constant Reminders... through His Perfect Inner Guidance... accepting everything... as something she needs... in order to help her stay 100% submitted... to her Loving... Merciful Creator... surrendering herself patiently... and unconditionally... to His Perfect Will for her...

And to this very day... at the ripe old age of 79... some 27 years later... she is still constantly Being Reminded... throughout the hours of her days... and nights... to “Receive... Obeying Allah... Amen...!”... and “Allah Guiding...!”... and "Amen Allah...!" ... and that it is time for her... to prepare herself... to be ready to leave earth... at any moment...!

Chapter 7
The Insidious Brewing Of War... In The Pacific..!

To get back to 1941... the seas got worse and worse... over the next few hours... aboard the "Tjisadane"... and all passengers were ordered to stay below decks... and I remember vividly... feeling so seasick... and Xenia forcing me to suck on sour lemons... all night...!

And as I lay on my bunk... miserable... and writhing in agony... I remember thinking... that this was far worse... than the awful stomach cramps generated... whenever she forced me... to hold in the odious... garlic-and-milk enema concoctions... for an endless thirty minutes at a time...!

It had been a dreaded monthly ordeal... that Xenia insisted on... telling me that garlic-and-milk enemas... were supposed to be good... for cleaning out the bowels... and avoiding constipation...

I did not mind the weekly tablespoons of castor oil... on which Prima and Remo always gagged... making faces... but this particular Russian old wives' remedy... and the insistence... that it was only effective... if it was held in for thirty minutes... was sheer torture... and totally unnecessary... I found out years later...!

Countless times Prima... upon hearing my pitiful moaning and groaning... had come to my rescue... banging on the bedroom door... demanding to know what Xenia... whom she loathed and despised... was doing to her little sister... behind the locked door...

Xenia's face would turn as white as a sheet... and she would start to tremble... for she feared her step-daughter's hatred of her... and her towering Leonine rage... And in that quavering... irritating whining voice of hers... she would try to reassure Prima... that she meant her little sister no harm... she was only looking after her health...

And when Prima kept insisting... that Xenia open the door... and pronto... or else... and she meekly complied... trying to open the door just a crack... Prima would push her way in... with force...

And seeing her precious little sister... even though she was now taller than her... lying doubled up... on the bed... writhing in agony... would send her into such a fury... that she would turn on Xenia... and slap her face... with all the force she had in her... heedless of the fact... that her violent action towards her father’s precious beloved... would surely earn her a subsequent whipping from him... that night...

With the utmost tenderness... Prima would then help me to my feet... and gently lead me and my painful... full-to-bursting tummy... to the bathroom... to get rid of all the pungently foul-smelling... garlicky waste matter...

For some reason... I never resisted Xenia's well-meaning ministrations... as painful as they were... understanding that she was sincerely trying to be a good substitute mother... utterly believing in using her tried and true... Russian remedies on me...

However... one of them really worked... For whenever I came down with a fever... which was quite often... she would make me drink a tall glass of piping hot tea... laced with raspberry preserves... insisting that I eat all the berries... at the bottom of the drained glass... as well... and to be sure to bite into the tiny... hard seeds...

Then immediately after I had obediently chewed the last piece of fruit... she would bundle my body up... under smothering... heavy blankets... allowing the fever... to be sweated out of my pores... while she patiently sat by my bedside...

And when my expensive... red Chinese silk pajamas... were thoroughly soaked... she would swiftly remove them... give me a warm sponge bath... then dress me in a clean pajama set...

Then she would bundle me up under the covers again... repeating the healing process... two or three times... throughout the long night...

And by morning... I would be well... my temperature back to normal...! And not even an aspirin... or other drug... had passed my lips... not even once...!

On the following day... as we ventured further southward... the waters... to my enormous relief... suddenly becoming much calmer... gave me the opportunity... to get my sea legs... and I was most grateful... that the awful... dreaded nausea attacks... seemed to be becoming a thing of the past...

Around midmorning... as everyone emerged out onto the Sun Deck... the deck that had almost killed me... to bask in the rays of the pleasant... mild winter sun... after the previous twenty-four hours of blustery... overcast weather... either sitting relaxed in their deck chairs... reading... or leisurely strolling around the Promenade Deck... all of a sudden... somebody spotted... within waving distance... the "Tjinegara"... twin sister ship of the "Tjisadane"...!

Letting out a shout and pointing... he rushed excitedly towards the railing... and soon all the passengers on deck were joining him... caught up in the excitement of his enthusiasm... and they all cheered and waved to her... with big grins on their faces... totally unaware that... within a few days... a terrible tragedy... would strike her unsuspecting... neutral bows...!

As the carefree lot of passengers of various nationalities... sailed along together... it wasn't long... before they were dropping their attitudes of icy reserve... with quite a number of them... even forming close... steadfast friendships... And I noticed that... to a very large extent... there was general camaraderie... apparent everywhere... on board ship... on this... our second day out to sea...

Naturally... nobody on board had any inkling... that on the day before... the day we sailed away from Shanghai... headed for Singapore... in Malaya... the Government there... had declared a state of emergency...!

I quickly discovered... that my favorite activity... was fast becoming the thrill of walking briskly around the Promenade Deck... with my adored/feared pater... Papa... early every morning... enjoying the exhilarating sting of the salt sea spray... in my face... treasuring the precious private time... alone with him...

And the sea air having greatly enhanced my usual ravenous appetite... as I kept growing and growing... after a hearty breakfast... I would enjoy leaning over the railing... at the stern... of the ocean liner... watching... with fascination... the wake the ship left... just as if it was parting the seas... the sight of it reminding me... that it was like a miniature version of Moses... and his Miraculous Parting of the Red Sea...!

I could never get enough of watching God's awesome Creation...: "The Sea"... and I marveled at it even more... when that night... after dinner... for the very first time... I watched the wondrous play of blue-white phosphorescence... flickering in the waters... far down below... What a fascinating sight it was... one I never grew tired of... as the nights wore on...

Two days later... on December 4th... we made our first port of call... since leaving Shanghai... tentatively sailing into Hong Kong Harbor... and were disappointed... that we would be unable to see the magnificent bay... of this famous British Colony... off the South China Sea... for as a safety precaution... we were sneaking into its blacked out port... under cover of darkness... not quite knowing... what to expect... for the news on the radio... for the past three days... had been very sketchy... and most confusing... along the lines that...:

"Japanese marauders have been sighted by the British... in Malaya... and by the United States Forces... In the Philippine Islands... General MacArthur fears the worst from the Japanese... declaring that... "We should all be prepared for war...!"

Within minutes of docking... we were boarded by a contingent of British Army officers... smartly turned out in their white tropical uniforms... with shiny gold buttons... exuding a great deal of confident optimism... certain that those "wily... yellow-skinned Japs" ...would be swiftly dealt with... as soon as their orders came through... to attack them in force...

Although they could give us no real guarantee... that we would be safe... despite the fact that we were traveling on a neutral ship... nevertheless their very officious presence... and friendly manner... were most reassuring in themselves...

In fact... a budding romance developed... between a young American girl... Barbara... and a British officer... Malcolm - recognizing each other as soul mates... they even got engaged... during the five hours we stayed in dock...!

And all the passengers... anxious to relieve the tension... of the past few days... had hastily organized an engagement party for them... on board ship...!

And as the lovers danced the night away... lost in the very special world... that only lovers know... tenderly gazing into each other's eyes... oblivious of everybody else around them... watching these two people... so utterly wrapped up in each other... had the magical effect... of making everyone forget... for a few enchanted hours... the terrible travesties... and atrocities... that were surely going on... just over the horizon...!

The officers were so confident of vanquishing "those yellow slit-eyed Japs... stopping them dead in their tracks... with our hands tied behind our backs..." ... that everybody on board believed them... reminding themselves reassuringly... of the awesome power of the British Empire...

Everybody knew that England... throughout its turbulent history... had conquered many nations... and their people... in her time of glory... and no doubt... the small nation of Japan... would likewise be easily defeated... in battle...

And everybody became convinced... that this insignificant... backward country of islands... would most certainly pose no threat... to the seasoned power... of the mighty British Empire...!

But this time... England had sadly underestimated the cunning... sly... underhandedness of Japan... and her well-prepared Army... Navy... and Air Force... secretly trained by German officers... not to mention her repugnantly over-patriotic... kamikaze (suicide) pilots... and their one-shot planes...!

No country but Japan... with her population of one hundred million... could spawn such dedicated men... whose first and foremost loyalty... was to their God-Emperor... Hirohito... Divine ruler of their revered Nippon... Land of the Rising Sun... ever ready... and joyfully eager... to sacrifice their own lives... for their noble cause...

To ensure the honorable protection... and defense... of their beloved Nippon... Land of the Rising Sun... burned fiercely... in their patriotic breasts... and all family members... and other responsibilities of their lives... were being considered... as less than secondary... in their fervent... patriotic zeal...!

Chapter 8
A Series Of The Most Shocking... Most Devastating War News...!

And then on the very next afternoon... after leaving Hong Kong... at about three a.m. ... as some people nursed their gigantic hangovers... making an effort to eat some food... as the Rau family... and the rest of the teetotalers... were leisurely eating a late lunch... in the huge Dining Salon... enjoying savoring the excellent cuisine of the ship's imaginative chefs... blissfully unaware of the turbulence... seething in the oceans... all around us... we were suddenly startled to hear... coming over the loudspeaker... for the first time... a loud voice... announcing... in a markedly foreign accent...:

"Ladies and gentlemen... May I please have your attention... This is your Captain Burger speaking...!

I am very sorry to have to inform you of the devastating news... that Hong Kong... is being attacked by Japanese air-raid bombs... and that Shanghai... has fallen into the hands of the Japanese military forces...! They have captured the American Garrisons there... and also in Tientsin... China...!"

Everybody gasped at the Captain's shocking news... frozen in shock... some of them as if turned to stone... still holding their forks midway... towards their open mouths... their eyes huge with astonishment... and barely heard his next words... which were uttered in a heavily drawn out sigh...:

"...I will keep you advised of further developments... as I hear about them..."

The ship was ominously silent... for the rest of the afternoon... with very few of the passengers... venturing out on deck... most of them huddled fearfully... in their cabins... anxiously speculating... on what Japan was up to...

Why this sudden hostility... especially towards Shanghai... when the Japanese military forces... had been in the city... for so many years... seemingly peacefully coexisting... with an overflowing mass of people of all nations...?

Apparently... on November 14th ... the government of the United States of America... had made an enormous blunder... by ordering the evacuation of their marines from Shanghai... Peking and Tientsin... so that their military bases... at those particular locations... were comparatively easy... for the wily Japanese to capture...!

Consequently... the great cosmopolitan city of Shanghai... had been easily conquered... and occupied... by the military might of Imperial Japan... with little resistance...!

And digesting the horrible news... for the rest of the afternoon... made everyone on board realize... awed... how fortunate they had been... in getting out of two seaports... just in the nick of time...! First Shanghai... and then Hong Kong...!

I felt dreadfully sorry... for the ten million souls left behind... and prayed very earnestly for them... and their safety... that night...

Beyond our hull... across the South China Sea... history was in the making... dramatically taking shape... when Japan informed America... that their troop movements in Indo-China... were purely precautionary...!?

And... far far away... in another part of the world... history later told us... that on that very same... momentous day... Great Britain was declaring war... on the countries of Finland... Hungary and Rumania... respectively...!

On the following day... December 6th... President Roosevelt... alarmed that the Japanese Embassy... had suddenly vacated their Washington... D.C. quarters... made a last minute appeal... directly to the Emperor of Japan... for global peace...!

But there was more shocking news to come... when the Captain made a further announcement... two days later... and this time his voice was ragged with heavy emotion... his Dutch accent... more pronounced than ever before... as he slowly reported...:

"Ladies and gentlemen... it grieves me very... very much... to be the bearer of more sad news...!

It is my most reluctant duty... to have to inform you that... very early... yesterday morning... Pearl Harbor... in the American Hawaiian Islands... suffered an unprovoked... and unprecedented... surprise Japanese air-raid attack... causing the unprepared Americans... to endure very heavy losses of both ships... and aircraft...!

Furthermore... in the dawn hours of this morning... the British Colony of Hong Kong... and the American islands of Guam... and Wake... also suffered further surprise aircraft bomb attacks... by the Japanese...!

As a result... of these disastrous onslaughts... and act of infamy... both America and Britain... have been forced to declare war... on Japan..!!!"

There was a deathly silence... as the Captain's ominous words... reverberated around the vast room... of the Dining Salon... everybody sitting stock still... in a state of shock... for the longest while... as the import of the Captain's words sank in...

Then there was a clattering of tableware... as some of the passengers sprang to their feet... and started to run pell-mell into each other... utterly panic-stricken... like chickens with their heads chopped off...!

The shattering news... that the Japanese had led a sudden air-raid attack... bombarding Hong Kong Harbor... British army bases... and other strategic installations... within barely two days of our departure... from what everyone believed to be a safe... invincible haven... sent a shock wave of gigantic proportions... sweeping throughout the ship... as we all realized... how incredible a narrow escape we had had... from our ship becoming a sitting duck... for the hostile Japanese Air Force... to bombard... to Kingdom Come...!

While all this was going on... the contingent of Swiss people... sitting at other tables... swiveled around in their seats... their eyes anxiously riveted on Theodore Rau... watching to see how he was reacting... to the devastating news of the Captain... with everyone at his own table... automatically doing the same...

Noticing that all eyes were focused upon him... he set a most excellent example of calm... by quietly going on with his meal... seemingly unruffled... at least outwardly... although I could have sworn that I saw a glimmer of tears... in his eyes...

And when they all saw their dignified leader... peacefully preoccupied in eating... finishing his lunch... as if nothing had perturbed him... sighing with relief... they all turned back to their plates of food... once again... following Papa's example...

Now thoroughly convinced and reassured... they told themselves that... if Theodore Rau... was not a bit worried... then they had no cause to be... either...!

As a matter of fact... throughout the whole perilous journey... from Far East... to the Far West... whether sailing through dangerous... submarine-infested waters... or traveling later by train... overland through German-occupied France... Papa Rau never ever gave the slightest hint... or indication... either by demeanor... or voice... that he was in the least bit worried... or alarmed... about our oftentimes tenuous situations... in the uncertainty of war time... with danger always lurking around every corner...!

On the contrary... he always gave us the impression... that he was in complete control... beginning from the grueling... three month ordeal... of daily... insistent interrogation sessions... by the arrogant Miharashibashi police... at their Yokohama headquarters... to the eighteen-hour... intense grilling... by the American officials... in Los Angeles... about two months later... He was truly a remarkable man...

When Barbara heard the devastating news... about the bomb attack on Hong Kong... she was inconsolable with grief... her eyes huge with shock... And when she was unable to get through to the port city... by radio - all communications were being intercepted by the Japanese submarines... now swarming in the Pacific - she went to pieces... becoming hysterical... and had to ultimately be sedated by the ship's doctor...

Disconsolately... she retired to her cabin... and for days on end... nobody saw hide nor hair of her... My heart ached with sympathy... for her anguish... She was so beautiful... and I missed seeing her gay... vivacious self... and the charming way she had... of throwing her head back... tossing her thick... shiny... jet black hair... and the way her dark eyes would shine and sparkle... whenever she hit a good score... playing shuffleboard...

And I got such a shock... when I caught a glimpse of her... as we docked in Surabaya... Java... a few days later... on December 12th... to see how quickly... grief and despair... had ravaged her face... aging her into a stooped... dejected... hopeless image... of her former gay... laughing self... the life gone out of her body... and the light... gone out of her eyes... as they stared ahead... unfocused... out of bleak... hollow sockets...

Captain Burger and his crew... were simply marvelous... in their efforts... to calm down the palpable uneasiness... and jitters... of the passengers... freely mixing with them... charmingly trying to allay their mounting fears... constantly reassuring them that... since hostilities had long ago ceased... between Holland and Germany... and their country... therefore... had no quarrel with the "Third Reich"... she was therefore considered "neutral" ... by Japan... and hence they were quite safe... aboard the Dutch ship "Tjisadane"...

Thus the crew prevented some of the passengers... from pulling down the lifeboats... in their mad scramble to escape... but where to...? Where was it safe... anymore...?

We were to learn later that... at 5.35 p.m... on the 8th of December... the British Admiral Phillips... in command of the two battleships... the "Prince of Wales" ... and "Repulse" ... and their destroyer escorts... were sailing from Singapore... with the intention of intercepting the Japanese forces... thought to be about to land on Singapore... when... in fact... they had already started landing operations... at Khota Bharu... a port on the east coast of Malaya... near the border of Thailand...!

And in the Philippines... the Americans were caught unprepared... and at the same time... the Japanese were already occupying the isthmus of Bataan..!

Meantime... there were more Japanese landings in Malaya and Singora... and in Patina... Thailand...!

Furthermore... while our Captain was making his tragic announcement... about Pearl Harbor... the Japanese were already occupying Bangkok..!

They also made more landings... at Tarawa and Makin... in the Gilbert Islands...!

And at dawn... of the 10th of December... their military units made landfall... on the northern tip of Luzon... in the islands of the Philippines... landing also on the island of Guam... occupying it within just a few hours...!

There was also the devastating news... that the intrepid "Prince of Wales"... and "Repulse"... had been sunk by Japanese bombers... and their submarine torpedoes...!

As we were sailing towards Singapore... we were unaware that the Japanese were continuing to batter Hong Kong... the Phillipine airfields... and Subic Bay...!

And we had no idea... that three days later... on the 13th of December... while we were touring the fabulous islands of Java... on a carefree... three day sightseeing tour... another drama would unfold... when a Japanese spokesman... landing in Hong Kong... handed the Governor... Sir Mark Young... Japan's terms for surrender...!!! And that the British refused... in the confident hope... that General Chiang-Kai-Shek's 7th Army... only thirty miles away... would come to their aid...

As we inched our way... into the darkened port of Singapore... an island country... off the Malay Peninsula... again under cover of darkness... we were fearful... that the evil tentacles of Japan's Imperial Military Forces... had also reached that far... as well... unaware that we were in extreme danger... because the Japanese Imperial Navy and Army... were already zeroing in... on the unsuspecting territory... to occupy the supremely important British base there...!

Captain Burger never realized that... as he sailed towards the harbor city... he could very well have been on a collision course... with the Japanese II fleet... trailing right behind him...!

The ships were being commanded by Vice-Admiral Nobatake Kondo... who... at the same time... was escorting to the coast of Thailand and Malaya... a convoy... carrying the Japanese 25th Army... headed by General Tomoyaku Yamashita... whose assignment... was to occupy the Malay Peninsula... and capture the supremely important... British Base of Singapore...!

And... furthermore... that only a few days earlier... at 4.15 a.m... seventeen Japanese bombers... had already attacked the port city...!!!

However... nothing untoward happened... during the few hours... we lay to... in the port... except that I was delighted to see the back of Mr. Peters... my would-be tutor... as he jauntily walked down the gangway... with his suitcase... in the dimness... of the blacked out harbor... disembarking for good... having told Papa... earlier that morning... at breakfast... that he had changed his plans... and would not be sailing on with us... after all..!

(With all the disquieting... and unsettling news... about the war... hanging in the air... he had never even begun to work out an agenda... for tutoring me... the youngest daughter of Theodore Rau..!)

Full of the optimism of the young... Mr. Peters was blithely hoping to catch another boat... that would be sailing to the Philippines... a country that had always fascinated him... no end... with its 7,100 islands... and scattered population of thirty-five million...

For some strange reason... despite the devastating news... he had obviously been hearing... about Japan's recent raids... on the Philippines... the thought never occurred to him... that he would... in all likelihood... be walking smack dab... into the Japanese invasion there...!

Papa had made enquiries in Hong Kong... as to the whereabouts of the “Tjinegara"... anxious to catch up with the Dobrowskis... But ever since the surprise attacks... on that port city... and Pearl Harbor... there seemed to be a heavy blanket... over giving out information... on the comings and goings... of ocean going vessels...!

He had tried to find out... once again... in Singapore... but to no avail... The lips of the harbor master's office were sealed... the officials adamantly repeating... that they could not divulge any news... about any passenger liners... neutral or otherwise... and they could not even be bribed...!

As I happily watched the back of Mr. Peters walk away... into the dimness of the Singapore customs area... my attention was suddenly drawn to quite a number of women... who were streaming from the customs building...!

They looked very agitated... and disheveled... and out of sorts... and many of them... were holding upset... squirming babies in their arms... some of whom were screaming their heads off...!

The noise was deafening to my ears... even though I was standing way up above them... and I secretly hoped... that they would not be boarding our ship...

But then... to my utter dismay... I watched... with a sinking heart... as they wearily made their way... up our gangway... trying their best... to cope with their hand luggage... and their bawling babies... struggling in their arms...

Observing their progress... I firmly resolved... then and there... to keep a wide berth from them... Except for my baby brother... Hansi... I had never had anything to do with babies... in my life... and if any of those exasperated... sweaty mothers... thought that they could make free use of me... expect me to baby-sit for them... they were sadly mistaken...

For now that I was rid of Mr. Peters... but nobody... not a single... solitary soul... was going to interfere... with my wonderful freedom on board...

Fiercely glaring down at the motley horde... I vowed to myself... that absolutely no individual on earth... was going to spoil things for me... no siree...

And then we heard... on the following day... the devastating news... that the Japanese had launched a decisive operation... against the mysteriously exotic seaport... Singapore... within one hour... of our sailing away... from her picturesque harbor...!

Furthermore... that the "impregnable fortress" there... was impregnable... only from the sea... but not by land...!

Also... that Japan had signed a Treaty of Alliance with Thailand... while a Japanese brigade... was entering Burma... across the Kira Isthmus... and were... at the same time... landing hostile forces... at Lagazpi... in Southern Luzon...!

Pondering how we had... once again... narrowly escaped the vicious attack... of the hostile Japanese... only this time... within only one mind-boggling hour... I could not help but marvel... even more... at our close calls...!

Why... it seemed as if our ship... had become invisible... to the rampaging Japanese... invisible to the swarms of their submarines... and other military watercraft... infesting the sea around us...!

And I could not help but feel... that it seemed as if we were Miraculously trailing the war... behind us...!

And what about the sharp-eyed Kamikaze (suicide) pilots... in their deadly planes in the sky...?

How come they could not see us... placidly sailing along... beneath them... especially when they swooped down so low... to execute their deadly... bull's eye... fatal attacks...?!

And I idly wondered to myself... whether our obvious safety... had something to do... with all the fervent praying... that I... a mere eleven years... and eight months old soul... had been doing... and hoped... with all my heart and soul... that our incredible luck... would hold out...!

Naturally... not a single passenger... had a clue... that as we sailed towards Java... opposite the large island of Borneo... a detachment of Indian troops... allied with the Japanese... had already destroyed the oil installations... in Sarawak and Brunei... and that in Burma... the British were evacuating Victoria Point... situated on the Thai border... in the southern part of the country... on the Kra Isthmus...!

Chapter 9
My Exasperating... Daily Ordeals... With About Fifty War Babies... In The Children's Dining Room...!

Out to sea again... from Singapore... I was in for another... most unexpected... huge shock... and it happened... on the very next day...!

Greatly looking forward... to really enjoying luxuriating on the ship... now that the weather... was becoming balmier... and the shadow... of Mr. Peters... and his tiresome lessons... were no longer looming over me...intending to explore every nook and cranny... to my heart's content...

I was also eagerly looking forward... to the continuance... of enjoying sumptuous meals... with the grown-ups... in the spacious Dining Salon... and the last thing I expected... was what happened at lunch time... on that very next... ominous... abruptly life changing day...!

As I was about to step onto the plush... soft carpet of the Dining Salon... my stomach... as usual... rumbling... and ravenous for food... I was suddenly subjected to a rude jolt... by the Head Steward... barring my entrance...!

And... instead of smiling... and bowing... in greeting... as he usually did... at my tall appearance... to my utter astonishment... he abruptly stretched out his arm... and placed his hand... in the middle of my scrawny chest... stopping me dead in my tracks...!

And as I stood there... gaping like an idiot... he... shorter than I was... stretched himself to look taller... and looking up at me... haughtily announced... in his quaint Dutch accent...:

"Miss... you are no longer allowed to dine here... with the grown-ups...! From now on... you must eat all your meals... in the Children's Dining Room...!"

And spinning my dazed and embarrassed... tall gawky body around... he abruptly tried to propel me out into the hallway... forthwith...!

As I realized... that he was actually forbidding me to go into the Dining Salon... I began to sputter in protest... trying... in vain... to catch Papa's eye... hoping desperately to draw his attention to my plight... hoping that he would come to my aid...

But he was sitting... preoccupied with eating and talking... at our family table... which was at the far end of the crowded... noisy room... much too far away... to notice the sudden commotion... at the doorway...

Turned away... I wondered glumly... what eating in the "Children's Dining Room"... would be like... I knew that I had a huge appetite... having shot up to nearly five feet eight inches... by my present age of eleven years and eight months... according to Remo's measuring of my gangly body that morning... and became quite concerned... hoping with all my heart that... having to eat with children... did not mean being served small children's portions... as well...

For they would never satisfy... my enormous hunger... aided and abetted now... by the constant bracing sea air... which enhanced my appetite... enormously...

Having been given directions... to the Children’s Dining Room... I noticed that I was being led further and further down... into the bowels of the ship...! And the further down I trudged... the more heavy-hearted... and gloomier... I became...

But nothing... but absolutely nothing... could have prepared me for the enormous shock... when I unsuspectingly opened the door marked "Children's Dining Room"... and stepped across its threshold...

Almost like a physical blow... my ears were suddenly assailed... by the most deafening noise...! And I was startled to see... that the room was full of some of the very same women... I had seen boarding the ship... the night before...!

They were all sitting around a large oval table... set in the middle of the smallish room... and they all held squirming babies... on their laps... some of whose faces... were lobster-red... as they screamed their heads off...

My legs suddenly wobbly... I tried to politely introduce myself... but could not be heard... in the stunning... ear-piercing screeching... and yelling... going on in the comparatively small... dark... plainly furnished room... which... I came to notice... was unpleasantly dank... uncomfortably reminding me of the "Black Hell Hole of China..."... on the Chinese junk...!

Gingerly... I sat down at an empty seat... at the corner of the table... between two sweating... exasperated young mothers... trying to hold their screaming... struggling infants... in their arms...

And in bits and pieces of halting... much interrupted... barely audible conversation... I gradually learned that they... on the whole... numbering about two hundred... were army officers' wives... who had been assembled... in Singapore... and that they had come from all military points... scattered throughout Malaya... just before the sudden... devastating Japanese onslaught... and their unprecedented invasions... around the Pacific rim...

The women had been put on board the "Tjisadane"... for safety... especially those with babies... and I learned that they were an odd mixture of English... Canadian... and Australian women... all in the bloom of youth... and many of them mothers... for the very first time in their lives...!

They seemed to be very disoriented... and disorganized... tired... hot... and disheveled... and the majority of them... seemed to be rather coarse... loud-mouthed and vulgar... constantly yelling at their little offspring...:

"Pipe down...!"

Part of me was repelled by them... filling me with repugnance and shame... to be a member of the same sex... but the better part of me... felt very sorry for the pathetic bunch...

They looked so dazed and pitiful... hardly able to cope with their bawling brats... whose diabolical antics... made them tense... unable to relax... and they were obviously worried sick... about their uncertain future...

Trying to eat a decent meal in peace... sharing the table... with about fifty babies... of varying ages... at a time... was nigh intolerable...

Not only was their wailing... and their mothers' shouting... nerve-jangling... to my sensitive ears... but to add to the indignity... of being forced to sit at the children's table... in a dark... drab... stiflingly hot room... in the very bowels of the ship... below sea level... I was utterly appalled... to be expected to eat... the very same food... as the babies did...!

Everything was pureed... or mashed...! An unappetizing variety of unappealing... unseasoned... savory and sweet concoctions... of various colors... from vegetables... to fruit - in short...: baby food...!!!

And not only that... but amid the never-ending cacophony... of bawling and screaming of babies... as their hot... short-tempered... frustrated young mothers yelled... trying to force-feed their infants' mouths... with the revolting-looking pureed mush... I was getting flecks of food... splattered all over me... even in my hair... by very accurately aimed... tiny fingers... or from spluttering little mouths... of very determined... refusing-to-eat... side-to-side-shaking... small heads...

The waiter had come and gone... so swiftly... almost throwing the platters of food... on the table... as if fearful of being detained... and trapped in that stifling... noisy room... forever... that I had not even had a chance to ask him... to bring me some decent food...!

And when I could not stand the protests of screaming... and wailing... of the strong-willed monsters... any longer... feeling an overwhelming... powerful desire... to throttle the lot of them... I ran from the room... in tears... feeling frustrated... and still ravenously hungry...

I immediately sought out Papa... with the intention of beseeching him... to please get me out of this terrible... nightmarish dilemma... and was utterly crestfallen... to find myself admonished by him... my complaining... abruptly interrupted... without being allowed to finish explaining...

And being told... in simple terms... that now that there were children... of minor age... on board ship... and since he had purchased a half price ticket for me... as a minor... I would have to continue eating all my meals... in the "Children's Dining Room"... since it was only proper and just... scolding me for being so arrogant... as to expect a special exception...!

All my vehement protestations to him... fell on deaf ears... and merely elicited the comment from him... that I should not be so selfish... as to expect him to waste good... hard earned money... by paying the difference... to secure a full-priced fare for worthless... "dumb cluck" me...!

And who did I think I was... anyhow? After all... he had never asked for me to be born... but since I had been... I would just have to accept... what he was willing to give me... from the goodness of his heart... and for goodness sake... to stop my whining... and acting like a child...!

I could hardly believe my ears... Surely Papa could not be classifying me... in the same category... as those awful... yowling babies...? Surely I was the one and only "child" on board... the others were mere infants...? But there was no budging him...

From then on... all the joy of eating... was gone for me... and I dreaded having to enter that second "hell hole"... my gnawing hunger alone... propelling me onward...

I had no option... but to gird... and steel myself... against the daily... harrowing ordeal... of having to endure the uncontrollable... demanding... apoplectic tempers... of red-faced... baby monsters... whose lungs... had an incredible capacity... for prolonged... ear-splitting screaming... and wailing... like ambulance sirens... or banshees...!

And their food attacks... and their poor... exasperated... yelling mothers... with me always inevitably being forced to escape from them... when I could no longer bear the ear-shattering... cacophony of noise... and attacks of mushy food... invariably leaving the table... still terribly hungry...

That most unpleasant period... which lasted only three days... but seemed to me... to be like three l-o-n-g days... of excruciating Eternity... making me feel... for the first time in my life... what it was like... to suffer starvation... for hours on end... also caused a lifelong aversion in me... of having to deal... with more than one baby... at a time...

In fact... if the truth were known... I have never been one... to "coochi-coo" over babies... in general... but have either felt a close affinity... for one particular baby... or nothing at all...!

Furthermore... at times... I have even been very aware... of innate malevolence... when I looked into some particular baby's eyes... and even instinctively recognized in some of them... that they were ancient... reincarnated souls... with many sins... being carried inside them...!

Now... because I have some modicum of real understanding... of Spiritual Truth... I know that all those babies... on board the "Tjisadane" ... must have been conceived... in raw sexual passion... which resulted in their parents... as they engaged in sexual intercourse... with each other... attracting "material" souls to them... souls of low Spiritual content...

Souls that were more strongly governed... by their own selfish desires... and passions... being their lower... coarser selves... than governed by instinctive benevolence... compassion and generosity... being their higher... more noble... human selves...!

There was only one baby... out of the whole screaming... demanding bunch... who seemed to have a comparatively pleasant disposition... smiling... and gurgling away happily... more often than not... at times seeming to look around... in amazement... at his yowling companions... his big brown eyes... wide with wonder...

His mother... who was from Canada... was the only young woman... who seemed to be a class above the rest... and I found her to be quite sympathetic... after a while... We actually became quite chummy... with my paying her visits... sometimes... in her tiny cabin...

By comparison... all the other babies... exhibited nasty traits of selfishness... and impatience... yelling at the top of their incredibly powerful lungs... their annoyance very apparent... if they did not get their own way... and instantly...!

Since my young mother... who was only in her early twenties... never treated me... like a baby... but as a responsible person of intelligence... she trained me... from early childhood... to be observant of others... such as on that memorable night... when she took me with her... to the Country Club Dance... when I was about five and a half...

And sitting me down... in a quiet corner... while she went off to dance... with yet another... of her many admirers... she had told me... to observe the other men and women's behavior... sitting at the tables... close by... notice their gestures... and how loud they talked... to each other... or laughed...

So that when she came back to the table... we could discuss... together... all the singular mannerisms... I had observed...

As a result of that one... all important session with my mother... I became very aware... of other people... and their behavior... in social contact... with one another... becoming a very keen observer... of those around me... ever since then...!

To add insult to injury... the early dining hours... did not suit me at all... either - I was used to having my lunch at 1:00... and dinner at 7:00... or even 8:00 p.m. - the Second Sitting... and to be expected to eat tiffin... at 12:00 noon... and have my evening meals... at the ungodly hour of 5:00... from which I always left... still ravenously hungry... anyway... and which kept me awake all night... was a cruel act of fate... to say the least...

For about three interminably l-o-n-g... torturous days... I was forced to endure... three times a day... the daily onslaught of bad-tempered... screeching babies... and their frustrated... yelling mothers... and extremely accurately aimed... flicked splats of pureed mush...!

I tried... as stoically as I could... under the patience demanding circumstances... to bear the cruel blow... that fate had dealt me... allowing my pity... for the poor... exasperated army wives... anxious about being wrenched... from their husbands... as they had so abruptly been... who were... no doubt... sure to be in constant danger... to override my growing anger... and ambivalent feelings... towards my little... lethal enemies...

Years later... when I saw the hilarious scene... where Clifton Webb... as Mr. Belvedere... dumped a bowl of porridge... over the baby's head... after getting fed up with his flicking food at him... in the movie "Sitting Pretty"... (#1523 of the Little Cilandak Video Library)... I could have kicked myself... for not having thought of retaliating... in the same way... then...

The only tolerable meal for me... was breakfast... consisting of what I had always been used to eating...: a bowl of porridge... two soft-boiled eggs... toast and marmalade... and a glass of milk... And that was the only meal... that satisfied my hunger... somewhat... served up to me... by a sympathetic... young Dutch waiter...

Furthermore... it was a great relief... to find myself the only occupant... in the Children's Dining Room... for I made sure to get there... as early as possible... before the harassed... red-faced mothers... and their bawling brats... made their noisy... disorganized... appearance...

But the bland tasting... unseasoned... mashed concoctions... served for lunch and early dinner... tasted like cardboard... and I was able to detect... only the very slightest flavor of peas... or carrots... or bananas... etc. ... in the unappetizing goo...

All the young mothers... never ate the unappetizing mush... for unable to leave their babies... unattended... they all were allowed Room Service... and ate their decent... grown-up meals... in the privacy... of their cabins...

How I longed to sink my teeth... into "real" food... for a change... dreaming of gnawing... on a juicy steak... or on a chicken leg... or anything... that would require some chewing...!

But then... after two days... of perpetual... gnawing hunger... another waiter... who was also frequently a victim of food attacks... himself... took pity on my doleful face...

And as he put a plate of three... colorful little piles of mashed food... in front of me...: white for mashed potatoes... green for mashed peas... and orange for pureed carrots... and heard me sighing disconsolately... as I looked down... on the unappetizing mounds... in front of me... he whispered to me... in his fascinating Cockney English accent...:

“If you hurry up... ducky... you can run up to the First Class deck... while everyone is having their lunch... and I'll pass some real food out to you... if you stand just around the corner... out of sight of the Dining Salon archway... away from the sharp... beady eyes... of the Head Steward...!”

Thrilled to the bottom of my toes... I did exactly as he suggested... and feeling dreadfully like a thief... scurried off to my hiding place... way up high on the ship... behind the funnel... to devour the precious... fat... chunky... roasted chicken leg and thigh... he had surreptitiously... and hastily thrust into my hands... carefully folded up in a serviette...

What a sumptuous feast that was - decadently delicious - and I left not a scrap of flesh... on the bone... even eating the white gristle...!

And to this very day... I have continued to eat... all the flesh... off the bones of chickens... leaving nothing... but the white meat... which is far too dry... for my narrow throat to swallow...

Which habit of extreme relish... led an Italian maitre'd to remark... years later... in a Swiss restaurant... where I sat in a romantic setting of candlelight... one night...:

"Cara Bella Signorina... I have been watching... fascinated... at the gentle way... in which you have been eating your chicken... It is as if you are making tender love to it...!"

And then... on the very next day... my brother Remo... came out of the Dining Salon... armed with some cold cuts... and rolls... in a serviette... and without a word... handed the balled-up... precious little bundle to me... smiling shyly... and walking away quickly... before I had a chance to thank him...!

Then... very early... on the following day... Papa suddenly noticed... during our daily... early morning... compulsory brisk walk... around the Promenade Deck... that I was getting skinny... and stopping us... from walking any further... he remarked... in his fascinating Swiss accent...:

"Why are your bones sticking so far out...? Aren't you eating properly...? After all... I am paying good money... for all your meals...!"

And when I dared to tell him... again... stammering fearfully... about how I was being fed mushy baby food... and how thoroughly unsatisfying it was... always leaving me still ravenously hungry... to my utter surprise and delight... he became thoroughly outraged...!

Grasping me firmly by the arm... Papa briskly marched me up to Captain Burger... commanding the astounded man... to take a good look... at his daughter... and how emaciated she had become... ever since she had started having her meals in the Children's Dining Room... vigorously shaking my scrawny body... for emphasis... until my teeth rattled...!

And without waiting for a reply... he insisted that I be allowed to eat... with the adults... since it must be obvious to anyone... that I was a rapidly growing adolescent... already far too tall... for her age... and needed far more nourishing... and substantial food... than mushy baby pap...!

The Captain was taken aback... at first... by this normally calm and collected passenger's vehement outburst... and trying to appease his anger... smiled... and soothingly reassured him... in his warm... curiously accented voice that... since it would not be much longer... before we sailed into Surabaya... he would relent... and promised that I would be able to eat... in the adult Dining Salon... after we docked there...

He stated further... as gently as he could... that since there were other children on board... it would not be fair to them... to make an exception... in my case...!

When I heard his unbelievable words... my senses reeled - surely he could not be lumping me... with all those horrible monster brats...? I wanted to scream in his face... that I was the only real child on board...!

But then he went on to say... that he was certain... that the army wives... would be disembarking... at Surabaya... for good... with orders awaiting their arrival... to stand by for a military transport ship... and that when we were out to sea... once again... en route for the United States of America... he would be more than happy to see to it... that I eat all my meals... at my parents' table... at no extra cost... he added magnanimously...!

Noticing my crestfallen face... he hastily reassured me that... in the meantime... he would see to it personally... that I was served decent food... just like the grown-ups were getting... at all my meal times... promising me earnestly... that there would never again... be a plate of baby mush... put in front of me... ever again...!

Feeling greatly reassured... I politely thanked the good captain... for his generosity... my voice warm with gratitude... and took a real good look at him... for the first time... since boarding his ship...

He had a kindly... weather-beaten... tanned face... a strong... straight nose... generous mouth... and twinkling blue eyes... reminding me very much of those of Mr. Zwinkler's... one of my very favorite persons... and his head was topped by thick... wavy blond... almost silvery hair...

It was impossible to guess his age... but I liked the way the corners of his eyes crinkled up... making it appear... as if they were actually smiling too... and when he smiled... which was often... and most charmingly... he revealed a set of perfect white teeth...

I could not help but feel an immediate trust... and liking... for this extraordinary man... for whom... no doubt... it could not be easy... to carry such an enormous burden of responsibility... upon his shoulders... for the safety and wellbeing... of so many jittery passengers... of all nationalities... aboard his ship... without showing them a trace of the anxiety... he himself... must surely be feeling... at times...

In fact... for the rest of the sea voyage... until we safely sailed into the harbor of Surabaya... Java... on December 12th ... Captain Burger and his crew - God bless them - did everything in their power... to appease the fears... of the by and large nervous... uneasy passengers... continuing to freely mingle... and socialize amongst them...

And whenever they noticed the slightest hint of panic... in their charges... they would immediately reassure them... with a great deal of soothing words... in the quaint... charming Dutch accent of theirs... oozing monumental confidence... by their courteous manners...

Chapter 10
"Sayonara... Nippon No Riku Hinode...!"

On the very next day... as I contentedly lay sprawled in my deck chair after lunch... for once my tummy nice and full... with "real" food... not knowing where to put my cursed... never-ending long legs... for some reason... I felt... at long last... on the one hand... very safe and sound... aboard the "Tjisadane"...

But on the other hand... the further away we were getting... from my hitherto beloved Nippon... feeling more and more nostalgic... I realized... with a painful wrenching in my heart... that I was really and truly saying..."Sayonara..." ... to her...!

"Sayonara"... to about ten years of living... and growing up... in the mysterious... enigmatic exotic Orient... so very familiar to me... through several incarnations...

And I found myself paying homage... to my beloved Nippon... Land of the Rising Sun... with a huge feeling of painful melancholia inside me...:

“Sayonara"... to you... fascinating... mysterious Kamakura... on the beautiful curve of picturesque... Sagami Bay... with your enormous bronze "Butsuda" (Buddha)... up into the interior of which... I had climbed... many many times... over the years... even up to the very top... happily sitting inside your third eye...!"

Also a heartfelt "Sayonara..."... to you... beautiful... breathtaking high-in-the-heavens... "Nikko"... meaning "Sunlight"... towering nearly eight thousand five hundred feet... above sea level... accessible only by cable car...

The whole pristine mountain... being a National Park... the tops of which are graced... by quaint Japanese "yadoya" (inns)... surrounded by delicate looking... evergreen pine trees... and wonderful hot-springs sulfur baths...

Where else in the world... but in Japan... could one sit in a steaming hot bath outdoors... and... by stretching out one's hand... touch ice-cold snow...?!”

And "Sayonara..."... to you... dear Osaka... with your famous amusement park... where I had driven the miniature cars... laughingly "bumping" Papa... and your imposing stone castle... "Osaka no Shiro" - five stories outside... eight inside - towering one hundred and eighty-nine feet high...!"

And a fond "Sayonara..."... to you... beautiful Kyoto... described as "Nihon no furusato" (the heart of Japan)... a marvelous treasure of Japanese history... culture and tradition... and for more than a thousand years... from 794 to 1868... the capital of Japan...

Boasting more than two thousand majestic temples and shrines... such as the "Heian Shrine"... with its back garden... of spectacular cherry trees and irises... the "Saiho-ji" (Moss Temple)... reputed to grow one hundred different species of moss... in its beautiful garden... "Ryoanji"... (Temple of the Peaceful Dragon)... famous for its uniquely sculptured rock garden... sitting... by stark contrast... in pure white sand... giving the whole area... an intriguing geometrical design...!

And a nostalgic "Sayonara" ... to you... my favorite temple... called the "Kinkaku-ji" (Golden Pavilion)... because its beautiful structure... is delicately covered in gold leaf...

And a very special "Sayonara" ... to your most beautiful Park Gardens... with their spectacular display of cherry blossoms... blooming all over... in glorious pink and white profusion... the delicate trees kept behind the attractive low fencing... fashioned of arched bamboo slivers... between the snow white pebbled pathways... that crunched under my getas...

In honor of you... I have never set foot inside your famous parks... temples or shrines... all so very familiar to me... from my previous Nipponese incarnations... clad in European dress... but always decked out... in my best silk kimono outfits... complete with a "nagajuban" (undergarment) ... and brocade "obi" (cummerbund)... refusing to converse in any language... but Japanese... all the while I leisurely strolled through your enchanting landmarks... my senses... as always... full of awe... and admiration... for your exquisite works of art..."

"Sayonara" ... to the hustling... bustling... teeming city of Tokyo... with your brightly lit Ginza District... with all its intriguing stores... and restaurants... and where I saw those wonderful... light-hearted... Fred Astaire and Ginger Roger musicals..."

A respectful "Sayonara"... also... to ancient Nara... steeped in traditional history of brave Samurais and Shoguns... and your imposing five-story pagoda... "Kofuku-ji" (The Temple of the Establishing of Happiness)...

Your ancient shrine... "Kasuga" (The Shrine of Three Thousand Lanterns)... set in extensive wooded grounds... approached by walking through the significantly bright vermilion "Torii" (arches)... where the long avenue... is flanked on both sides... by stone lanterns... the shrine's most famous feature... supposedly one thousand seven hundred eighty... of them... carved in stone... called "Kango" ... and a further one thousand and twelve... hammered out in bronze... known as "Isakawa"... dating back to the fifth century..."

An awe-struck"Sayonara" ... to your "Daibutsu-den" (Great Buddha Hall)... the largest wooden structure in the world... which... upon entering unawares... the very first time... I was startled by the looming... gigantic "Dainichi-Nyorai"... the Great Sun Buddha... purported to be the world's largest bronze statue... its overpowering presence... filling the vast Hall... standing seventy-one feet six inches tall... and weighing five hundred and fifty-one tons...! It took five years... for the original casting... begun in the eighth century...!"

And a very fond... gentle "Sayonara" ... to your famous Deer Park... two hundred and sixty acres of pristine... tranquil landscape... through which I took quiet strolls... the protected "shika" (deer) so tame... that they would come right up to me... to be petted...!

And I would indulge myself... in long... intimate... tender conversations... with these gentle creatures of God... in Japanese... so in love with their soft brown eyes... that gazed out at the world... so serenely... and whose soft warm noses... trustingly nuzzled my open palms... always loath to finally have to bid them “Sayonara”... because the Park was about to close...

Leisurely walking past the beautiful... delicate lily ponds... surrounded by proud... strutting peacocks... with their exquisite plumage... I would stop at the east bank of Sarusawa Pond... called "Kinukakeyanagi" (Willow of Hanging Clothes)... where legend has it... a court lady had drowned herself... to "save face"...!

Just like I had drowned myself... at the bottom of the cliffs of “Dai-Shichi no Kami” (Seventh Heaven) ... to "save face" ... in my previous Japanese incarnation... as a court lady... daughter of a very prominent Shogun family... because my betrothed Englishman... (my soul mate Richard)... had betrayed me... with my little... younger... very beautiful “itoko” (cousin)... my dearest SUBUD Sister... Ismana... today... which horrific... fatal incident... of terror... I can still remember... so vividly...!

My adored Papa... having become a devout Christian Scientist... and therefore... fervently believing in reincarnation... had verified everything... about my previous Japanese incarnation... after he heard me screaming... in my nightly nightmares... speaking in high class Hiragana... when I was about three... describing my noble position... and drowning myself... in that previous life time...!

And now I am saying a nostalgic "Sayonara" ... to Toyohashi... one of my favorite little fishing villages... situated on the idyllic Atsumi Bay... where the sea-green water... is mirrored like smooth glass... making the whole scene look so peaceful... and serene... and where I enjoyed feasting leisurely... on so much delectable fresh seafood... such as "tako" (octopus) ... and "yariika" (squid)... delicately seasoned... so as not to overpower their own unique... briny taste...

"Sayonara" ... to you... O-Shima... one of the seven isles of Izu... which I happily explored... with Papa and Xenia... hiking all around the awesome volcano... Mount Mihara..."

And "Sayonara" ... to Toba... on Pearl island... off the picturesque Kii Peninsula... where fascinated... I had watched the pearl divers... all young Japanese girls... called "Amas"... who... generation after generation... were trained from infancy... to hold their breaths... for long periods of time... under water... because women's lungs... were thought to be stronger than men's...!

The Amas... dressed in their thin white kimonos... and compact leggings... to protect their legs... from getting scratched... by the dangerously sharp coral... would dive for the "shinjugai"... the pearl oysters... the whole idea of processing pearls artificially... researched and begun... by Kokichi Mikimoto... the "Pearl King"... at the turn of this century..."

And a nostalgic "Sayonara"... to Matsushima... Nippon's exotic Pine Clad Islands... where centuries of blowing winds... and lapping waves... have sculpted myriad little picturesque isles... into interesting shapes... as we sailed past them... through the Torii Gateway... erected in the waters... off shore..."

And last... but by no means least...:

A poignant "Sayonara" ... to you... beautiful... alpine Karuizawa... situated about three thousand feet above sea level... lying at the bottom of Mount Asama... the dormant volcano... where I had spent such happy summer school vacations... learning to swim in icy... crystal clear water... from the mountain springs... and where I had been introduced to agriculture... for the very first time in my life... learning to plant seeds... in the little vegetable patch... assigned to me... as well as being designated... to look after our adorable... docile pet... the pale... sand-colored... doe-eyed calf... which I had suitably named... "Blondie..."

And where poor Prima... had had such a hard time... taking care of that mean... bad-tempered billy goat... How I had roared with laughter... watching her try desperately... to hold onto his long rope tether... stumbling after him... as he suddenly bolted away from her... having warily watched her every move... as she carefully approached him... waiting for the opportunity... when the rope would be slack in her hand... then off he would gallop... dragging the long rope behind him...

And then there would be the struggling of wills... hers... determined to corral him into his pen... for the night... and him eluding her... at every turn... galloping all around the countryside... up the steep path... then down again... always just an inch beyond her reach... until... tiring of the cat-and-mouse game... after about an hour... he suddenly became all docile... and allowed her to catch up with him... meekly following her down the steep mountainside... to his pen down below... A hilarious scene... that repeated itself... day after day...

And then I was recalling... the time... when Prima... Remo and some of the other students... had climbed up the usually dormant volcano... Mt. Asama... right up to the crater's edge... and how bug-eyed they had been when... on the very next day... she had erupted...!

How the thick grey ash had blown... for miles and miles around... covering everything in a dense... impenetrable... choking cloud... for days on end...!

Then I was remembering... how I used to wade in the ice-cold... crystal clear mountain streams... frolicking stark naked... in my very own little Garden of Eden... where I had kept a secret collection... of adorable baby jade-green frog pets... playing all alone with them... for hours on end... in the cool... shady woods...

"Sayonara"... to all of you... dearest little "Emerarudo..." "Kogyoku..." and "Midori Akambo..."

Reminiscing fondly... I recalled too... the time I had contracted German Measles... during a summer vacation... in the alpine region of Karuizawa - I was about eight and a half then - and how I was forced to be left behind... to lie all alone... in my darkened bedroom... all the live long days... and all through the endless nights...because I had become blind...!

And for some strange reason... as sick... and as fevered as I was... I had experienced sudden... unexpected... powerful sexual urges...! And was not satisfied... until I had frantically filled my nether orifices with objects... mostly the poker chips I played Tiddly-Winks with...!

These sudden... overwhelming sexual urges... were making me feel crazy... and I shuddered... horrified... wondering whether Pamela's terrible curse... which she had exposed me to... when I was about three... had finally rubbed off on me...!

(In reediting this book... one final time... now on May 5th 2009... at 4.37 a.m. ... all memory... of my horrendous... terrifying ordeals... of disgusting babyhood sexual abuse... at the hands of low class "Daiku-sans"... to whom my various village Amahs sold me to... to be “inspected”... as a strange... very long in body... "sozobutsu" (creature)... and fondled... and interfered with... by them... for about two years... until I was about four and a bit... Had Been Mercifully Removed from me... by my Heavenly Father... when I was about seven years old...

And it happened... on the day I begged Him... with all the fervor... that I had... in my heart... and soul... which for years... had been so heavily laden... with guilt... and shame... to Please let this be... my very last reincarnation... on earth... because I had already suffered far too many shocks... in my as yet very young life... of about seven years... two of the biggest... occurring on that very morning... one right after the other...!

And the horrible memory... of those horrendous... helpless afternoons... of sexual abuse... in the back rooms... of the village shops... of "Kutsu Kake" (Put on your shoes)... was only restored to me... through the help of my soul mate Richard... during one of his Heavenly Visitations... when I had reached the ripe old age of 72 years old...!

Lying very sick... with German measles... in Karuizawa... I had no idea... that in all probability... in my fevered state of illness... I may have been reenacting... what had been done to my body... by my terrifying molesters...!

Because now I can remember that... while I lay helpless... before the frightening... muscular... low-class laborers... they would put foreign objects... into it... especially my "komon" (anus)... the "Oshiri" (backside)... being an area of the female body... that particularly intrigues Japanese men...!

And they were fascinated... by the strange looking... "burondo no shiroi akambo shojo" (blonde... white-skinned baby girl)... even at times... slashing at her... with their glittering sharp knives... curious to see... whether her "chi" (blood) flowed... as red as theirs did...! I still bear the scars of their terrifying knife attacks...!

All the disgusting details... of my babyhood sexual abuse... are Willed by Allah Almighty God... for reasons Known Only To Him... to be fully disclosed... under the special segment... called "Heavenly Visitations..." ... for which I ask forgiveness... in advance... for the extremely primitive... graphic descriptions... which are bound to be very offensive...!)

Chapter 11
Going Way Into The Future... A Taste of Soul-Searing Confessions... Under "Heavenly Visitations..."!

To digress from this book... under a separate segment... called “Heavenly Visitations...”... you may be interested to read... about the totally unexpected Heavenly Visitation... of a few years ago... from my beloved soul mate Richard... Sent down to me... here in my home... in Grand Bay... Alabama... by my Heavenly Father... Allah Almighty God... on a most important Mission...

He was the magnificent soul... who... among attending to hundreds of South Africans... both White and Black... also was Willed by God... to be the channel to “Awaken...” and “Open...”... my Inner self... into The Miraculous Spiritual Path of SUBUD... when I was 31... and living in Johannesburg... South Africa... and with whom I had lost all contact... for over 35 years...!

And how... during his second Visitation... my beloved told me... very tenderly... that before I left earth... I would have to face... and overcome... every soul-shaking experience... in my life... that had been deeply disturbing... to my psyche...!

And he very gently helped me to remember... the painful terror... of my disgusting babyhood sexual abuse... which took place in the back rooms... of the little village shops... of "Kutsu Kake" (Put on Your Shoes)...!

You will also be reading... about how I had to confront... and face... my terrible... murderous sin of abortion... when I was about 23... the age my mother... gave birth to me...!

My sin of murder... even more ghastly... because... being a sensitive soul... I had felt the highly advanced soul... of my precious son... Marco... entering my body... on the Holy Night of Christmas Eve... at the very moment... my adored... unhappily married lover... poured the precious drop... of the Water of Life... into my receptive body... while I lay blissfully... in his loving arms...!

This wonderful... very real experience... which years later... was confirmed... by our holy SUBUD father... beloved Bapak... in his book... "The Meaning of SUBUD..." (reproduced here... on the website "SUBUD Stories")... proved to me... that a soul enters a receptive female's body... at the moment of conception... and not some four months later... as some Catholic priest decreed... some centuries ago...!

And how... in my fearful cowardice... when he... being a musical celebrity... piano virtuoso... afraid of his reputation being ruined... threatened to leave me... if I kept our precious son... Marco... I had allowed a doctor... to remove his five month old male fetus... from my most reluctant... retroverted womb... while I lay... in some kind of Spiritual Trance... on his operating table... fiercely crying out...:

“Murderess...! Murderess...! Murderess...!”

And hearing which... so greatly unnerved the elderly Scottish doctor... that he broke three needles inside me... even suggesting that he stop the procedure... and give me his fee back...!

Claiming that in all the years... he had been performing abortions... even going to prison... for them... because they were illegal in South Africa... he had never come across a young woman... who deserved to keep her baby... more than she did...!

And right then and there... my Heavenly Father... Was Giving me... a Golden Opportunity... to keep my precious son... whose high soul... I had felt... entering my body... on that magical... Holy Night of Christmas Eve... at the very moment... my adored lover... poured all his love into me... by passing on to my receptive body... the precious drop... of the Water of Life...!

But the poor... bewildered and confused young girl... that I was then... rejected by her adored Mummie... and so love-starved... and insecure... and foolishly believing her lover... when he threatened to leave her... if she went through with her pregnancy... unable to bear the thought of her life... without his precious... beloved self in it... had told the doctor... to go ahead... and ignore her outcries...!

Her dearly beloved John... twice her age... who was always so fatherly kind... and loving towards her... never mind that he only came up to her elbow...! ... and who... for almost five months... with his mother's blessings... had been just as ecstatic as she was... to have a son... for whom he had longed for... for years... but who had ultimately become influenced... by his envious of their perfect love... so-called friends... warning him... that the public scandal... would ruin his reputation...

But when she saw the reality... of her precious baby son... whom she had named Marco... as he grew inside her... fully formed... in a jar... she became so overwhelmed... with remorse... and regret... that she had fallen to her knees... begging her Heavenly Father... for His Forgiveness... of her cowardice... and fear of abandonment... by her beloved John...

And the good doctor... experiencing an Epiphany... had also fallen to his knees... begging the Good Lord... for His Forgiveness... and fervently vowing... in his Scottish brogue... to "neverrrr... everrrr... take a human life... ever again...!"

(The full story... of the poignant... tragic... five year love affair of John... and his beloved Chuchi... is also fully told... under the Index listing... re "South Africa..." ... in her book... "Seven Hells...")

But this sinful... murderous soul... Was Not Forgiven... Not for twelve years...! And for all that time... she carried the heavy weight... of her grave sin of abortion murder... deep inside her...!

Until the day... about twelve years later... when... just recently married... for the second time... while she... having Been Renamed Grazia... meaning "Big Grace of God..." ... by her Heavenly Father... was having her hair done... at the beauty parlor... her Guardian Angel Friend... suddenly Whispered... into her right ear... as usual... Saying...:

"You Are Now Forgiven... For Your Grave Sin Of Murder... Your Abortion... When You Were Twenty-three...!"

And about three weeks later... oh Joy of Joys... she was pregnant... again feeling a male soul... entering her body... at the very moment... her adored husband ejaculated... passing the precious drop of the Water of Life... into her receptive body... one magical Sunday night...!

But alas... she naturally miscarried... about three months later...!

And now being in her third year in SUBUD... she Was Given to understand... in a Divine Revelation... that because she was now on a True Spiritual Path... that Would Lead her straight back to God... she was even more responsible... for her actions... under the Divine Law of Cause and Effect... and since she had taken a human life... she Was Not Permitted... to conceive another soul... to love and nurture...!

And under "Heavenly Visitations"... you will read how... during her beloved Richard's wonderful Visitations... she was not only Being Made To Feel... the Full Reality... of her terrible... sinful deed... but also Being Made... to face... and confront her son... whom she had “murdered”...!

Richard brought her precious son Marco... down to her... Sent by her Heavenly Father... Allah Almighty God... in an extremely poignant Visitation... during which he tenderly called her "Mother"... then Serenaded her... with his violin... as a Sign... that he had forgiven her... for ending his earthly life... before it had even begun... and during which... he was destined... to become a world famous violinist... being a descendant... of Amati... the famous Italian violin maker...!

Chapter 12
Back On Board the "Tjisadane"... Nostalgically Reminiscing... About My Life... In Beloved Nippon... And Of The Nights... When As A Four Year Old... I Would Join The "Bukkyoto Shinden No Odoriko..."! (Buddhist Temple Dancers)

Now reminiscing about my time of illness in Karuizawa... feeling terribly guilty... longing for the reassuring presence... of my motherly sister... Prima... with a rare show of bravado... thinking my illness gave me licence... I had asked for her to be sent to me...

And she had responded with delight... joining me gladly... telling me upon her arrival... that I had saved her... from having to sit for difficult exams... for which she had not been well prepared...

And like magic... by the time she arrived... all those peculiar sexual urges... thank God... had left me for good...!

Then... sitting in my deck chair... aboard the "Tjisadane"... I thought of the fact... making me feel very sad... that I would never again... join in with the "Bukkyoto shinden no odoriko" (Buddhist temple dancers)... recalling fondly... the very first time... I had heard their particularly haunting music...

It happened one night... when I was about four years old... I had just gotten into bed... when I heard my friends... the crickets and the frogs... chirping and croaking... outside my window... in greeting... and I remembered that I had forgotten to bid them "O-yasumi-nasai" (Good night)...

Jumping out of bed... I had run to the window... opening it wide... and looking outside... called out...:

"O-yasumi-nasai... kuriketto...! O-yasumi-nasai... kaeru...! Yukaina yume... Kami Megumu..." (Good night... crickets and frogs... pleasant dreams... and may God Bless you all...!"

And it was just then... that I heard the haunting strains of Oriental music... faintly wafting through the air... and my senses... were immediately alerted...

Without thinking... totally mesmerized... I climbed out of my bedroom window... clad only in my new... bright red... expensive light silk... Chinese pajamas... and ran towards the mysteriously beckoning sound... in my bare feet...!

The slow music of gongs beating... was like a magnet... drawing me... the strangely familiar sounds... calling to me... as if I had heard them before...!

Some memory... just below my consciousness... was stirring... and as young as I was... I knew I could not resist heeding it... following wherever it led me...!

And I was completely unaware... that I had ventured forth... all by myself... from our house... into the pitch darkness of night... for I moved... as if in a dream...!

When I reached the Buddhist temple... it was as if I had suddenly grown up...! I was no longer a child... but a young Japanese temple maiden...!

And quite naturally joining in... with the other young women there... it was as if I had been dancing... and swaying... in a "Bukkyoto shinden" ... all my life...!

All the steps... and movements... were like second nature to me... and I was completely engrossed... in chanting the ancient words of prayer... as familiar to me... as breathing...!

Everything around me - the "Chugokujin ko o taku..." (joss sticks burning incense) ... the "shinjimbukai no shirushi" (religious symbols)... draped on the "saidan" (altar)... the "soryo" (Buddhist priests)... dressed in their black "gaitos" (robes)... were all commonplace... and very familiar to me...!

And what was most amazing... is that everybody there... naturally accepted the presence... of the white-skinned... golden-haired... blue-eyed little girl... that I was... without so much as raising a questioning eyebrow...! And it was clear to them... that I belonged amongst them...!

Lying in my deck chair... aboard the "Tjisadane"... fondly reminiscing... I poignantly realized... that I was leaving behind the countless days of lazing on the warm... sandy beaches... below the Honmoku cliffs... with its penchant for "tsunamis" (giant tidal waves)... recalling the day when Prima... fast asleep on a high raft... a little ways out to sea... had nearly been drowned... by a miniature wave... although it was huge enough to scare me...

She was much too far away... for me to shout to her... so I had "willed" her to wake up... concentrating on talking to her... in my mind... warning her that she was in danger...!

And as if she heard me... she had suddenly sat up... looked around her... seen the huge... menacing wave coming towards her... and just as it reached her raft... instead of panicking... she had had the presence of mind... to dive straight into it... thus being swept ashore... on the crest of the gigantic current... fortunately suffering no serious injuries... other than a slightly battered body...

Sighing with nostalgia... I knew that I would never again... bask on the white... silky sands of the island... Okinawa... (Big Island)... swimming in the overpowering... majestic Pacific Ocean... where the sea changes color... through every spectrum... of the color blue...

Nor would I be taking any more exciting little boat trips... across the spectacular Inland Sea... to beautiful little Awaji... off the island of Shikoku... where I used to love gorging... on the huge bowls of steaming hot... "O-yaku-domburi" (a variety of seafood... on a bed of fried rice)...

Or watch the fascinating... gigantic whirlpools... of the Naruto Straits... after the change of tides... Nor walk across the attractive arched bridges... of the ancient village Kurashiki... uniquely erected... over its canal...

Never again... would I be collecting those enormous... delectable... unique-tasting "hamaguri" (clams)... with my beloved Guido... after which his father... Papa Gandossi... would cook them in a huge pot... right there on the snowy-white sandy beach...

His culinary expertise... always produced a deliciously seasoned... milky stew... And I would heartily feast on the "hamaguri"... consuming bowl after bowl... slurping... and munching... on the delicious fare... to my heart's content... while the surf whooshed its lulling song... close by...

There would be no more hiking... with my adored Papa... in the wooded mountains behind Kobe... first taking a spectacular cable car ride... up breathtaking... three thousand feet high Mount Rokko... walking through its often misty... beautiful National Park... admiring its spectacular... long cascading waterfalls... together...

Then hiking up and down... as part of its range... Mount Maya... named after the mother of Gautama Buddha... and Mount Futatabi... (Put On Your Socks)... majestically sweeping... down to the sea... at the summits of which... we always found the traditional little "chamise" (tea house)... and/or "shinden" (temple) and "zushi" (shrine)... as we gazed out at spectacular sea views... from the observation terraces...

Then staying overnight... at one of the quaint... ancient "yadoyas" (inns) of the hot-springs resort... Arima Spa... on the other side of Mount Rokko... characteristically nestled snugly... beside a gorge... amongst pretty cherry... and maple trees... at its foot... relaxing in the pleasantly hot water... loaded with healthful minerals... the best place... to soothe away aching muscles... but holding my nose... until the awful stink of sulfur... became quasi-bearable...

Chapter 13
Yet Another Miraculous Deliverance... This Time From A Raging Bull...!

Thinking of beautiful Mount Rokko... reminded me of an early hiking incident... when I was about five and a half... and already tall for my age...

Papa... his new love Xenia and I... were meandering along a winding... narrow dirt road... both sides of which banked up steeply... to a line of dense trees... with me happily skipping along... ahead of them...

When all of a sudden... around the corner... lumbering straight towards me... came a huge... snorting bullock... run amok... stopping me dead in my tracks...!

And as the giant's hooves... menacingly thundered... coming ever nearer and nearer... all I could do was stare at its immense sweat-shiny hulk... rooted to the spot... petrified out of my wits... as the enraged animal... its eyes red-rimmed with fury... raced ever closer towards where I was standing... in the middle of the narrow road... directly in its path...!

And as I stood facing the awesome beast... unable to move... I suddenly heard Papa's voice... coming from behind me... laughing with amusement... noticing that he was calling me by my given name... jeeringly... which I so rarely heard... issuing from his usually stern... disapproving lips...:

"Well... Gra-zi-ella... what are you going to do now...?

At the same time... I saw him swiftly and effortlessly... scoop his beloved Xenia up... under one muscular arm... and make one giant leap upwards... to safety... at the top of the steep embankment... to my right... leaving my five and a half year old self... standing defenseless... in the middle of the road...!

And once he and Xenia... were out of harm’s way... he taunted... in his quaint Swiss accent...:

"Let us see... whether a daughter of mine... has any brains...!"

And the very next thing I knew... was finding myself perched precariously... at the very top... of a fifteen-foot telephone pole...!

Bewildered and dazed... I hung there... my whole body shaking... my long monkey arms... wrapped around the pole... holding onto it for dear life... with no memory... whatsoever... of how I had managed to clamber up it...!

Fearfully looking down from my great height... I was just in time to see the rump... of the reddish-brown bull... as it thundered past... way down below me... grazing the pole slightly... shaking it a little...

Then Papa's voice... roaring with laughter... intruded upon my dazed with incomprehension senses... He was looking up at me... pointing at the comical sight I made... holding his stomach... the tears streaming down his cheeks...

But later on... I noticed how his eyes shone with fatherly pride... whenever they alighted on me...

And I was so pleased... that I thought my chest would burst with happiness... thrilled to the bottom of my hiking boots... to have so obviously won his approval...

And for the rest of that afternoon... I blissfully walked on air... my feet hardly seeming to touch the ground...

So enamored with him... it never once occurred to me... how cruelly careless... he had been... about the very real danger... his daughter had been in... and how utterly unconcerned... he had been... about her safety...!

(Years later... I learned that in a previous European incarnation... Papa Rau had been my father-in-law... and that I had broken his son's heart... by running away from my marriage to him... with another man...!

So that... his father's soul... "remembering" my betrayal... from that earlier lifetime... had vowed vengeance... upon me... for hurting his son...!

And that is why... in this lifetime... reunited with him once more... although he had fallen in love with me... as a baby... as I grew older... and his subconscious memory resurfaced... so would he feel anger towards me... and my very existence... more and more... to the point... when there were times... when he did not care for me at all... and perhaps even loathed me...!)

But that very night... as I lay naked... and alone... in a pool of warm water... in a Japanese "yadoya" (inn)... very puzzled... and trying to remember... how I had managed to land at the top of the telephone pole... I suddenly heard the dear Voice of my Guardian Angel Friend... Whispering in my right ear... as usual... Telling me that it was He... Who Had... In A Blink Of An Eye... Swiftly Lifted me up... to the top of the telephone pole... and out of harm's way...!

And I marvelled... full of awe... that He Must Have Been So Fast... in Saving me... from the raging bull... that He Had Been Invisible... to me... and to both Papa and Xenia...!

Chapter 14
More Poignant Reminiscing... About My Unusual Life... Growing Up In My Beloved Nippon... Land Of The Rising Sun... Mixed With Curiosity... About My Future Life... In Where I Was Led To Believe... Was My Homeland... Switzerland...!

Filled with nostalgia... lolling on my deck chair... I realized... with a lurch in my heart... that there would be no more traipsing... through the remote Chiba-Kanto region... east of Tokyo... no more hiking... through the Chichibu hills... stopping at their spectacularly scenic gorges... with cascading waterfalls... of crystal clear water... some of them falling... sixty to ninety feet... into the depths below... roaring so loudly... that one had to shout... to be heard...

And no more basking... on the stretch of white sandy beaches... in Kujukuri Coastal Park... Then going further down the Boso Peninsula... visiting the seaside town of Shirahama... famous for its panoramic sea views... and its female... pearl divers... known as "Ama"...

The fond memory of relaxing... in the hot springs of Ikaho Onsen... near Mount Haruna... often called Fuji-Haruna... because of its resemblance... in shape... to Mount Fuji... came to me... with a pang...

Taking a little boat trip... on Lake Haruna... lying at its base... to picturesque Namegawa Island... to admire its brilliantly colorful display... of beautiful... graceful pink flamingos... and proud... strutting peacocks... their vivid blue-green plumage... spread out... for all to admire...

Sighing... the tears rolling slowly... down my cheeks... I realized... with a heavy heart... that I would no longer hear my "Nippon no tomodachis" (Japanese friends) ... calling up to me... at my bedroom window... to come down... and play with them... their lilting voices coaxing...:

"Sera-chan...! Sera-chan...! A-so-bi-ma-sho-o-o...!"

"Sera-chan"... is a charming derivative of my name... Graziella... because for some peculiar reason... it is very difficult... for the Japanese to pronounce the letter "L"... generally preferring to substitute the letter "R"... for the difficult sound...

Or the begging... of the pitiful... emaciated Formosan... and Korean "machi no itazurakkos" (street urchins)... crying out... begging for money... while they desperately tugged at my sleeves...:

"I-jin-san...! i-jin-san...! Tama tama... o-ku-re...!"

I was also saying "Sayonara" ... to my friends... the uniquely individual... "machi urites" (street vendors)... who never ceased to fascinate me... while they went about... selling their different food wares...

One of them... niftily setting up his long slab of cutting board... on his little cart... then dexterously brandishing a large brass "hocho" (kitchen knife)... before cutting a generous slice of creamy tofu... for his customer... carefully presenting the fragile food... on a thin sheet of "waragami" (rice paper)... sitting in the palm of his hand... the whole ritual... executed with a great exaggerated... bowing flourish...

Then there would be two "machi urites" ... trundling along with huge hibachis... perched precariously... on their little carts... one filled with smoking hot... roasting "kuri" (chestnuts)... and the other... filled with hot roasting "piinatsu" (peanuts)... the pungent aroma of them... filling the air... making your mouth water ravenously...

Then there were those ingenious "machi urites"... who prepared the traditional rice delicacies... the process of which was always utterly fascinating to watch...

Both of them had an enormous... painted... spotlessly clean cutting board... on which sat a large wooden barrel... and several other smaller containers... perched on their carts...

The first one would first elaborately wash his hands... by dipping them... into a bowl of soapy water... then drying them... on a spotlessly clean towel... would scoop out a generous amount of sticky... glutinous "kome" (rice)... out of his barrel... swiftly kneading it flat... between the palms of his squeaky clean hands... until he had a fair-sized square... laid out on his cutting board... then carefully dividing it... he would swiftly shape... and cut it... into perfect smaller squares...

Then ladling out some pre-prepared concoctions... from the other containers... made of different types of "shokubutsu" (vegetable)... mashed "akai no mame" (red beans)... and "sakana" (fish) mixtures... he would swiftly spoon some of it... alternately... onto the center of every other square...

Then deftly scooping up the bare squares... with a flat brass spatula... he would sandwich them... over the filled squares... thus producing perfect... delicious little "Kome Kekis" (rice cakes)... separating them into piles - to his left... the fish rice cakes... and to his right... the vegetable rice cakes... and dead center... in front of him... the red bean rice cakes - all to be eaten cold...

The second "machi urite" ...would likewise scoop out a generous amount of glutinous rice... out of his wooden barrel... but there the similarities ended...

Because he would deftly roll the large mass of rice... between the palms... of his equally washed and clean hands... into balls... every now and then... stopping to open up the ball... with his large thumb... press some pre-prepared mixture of vegetables... red beans... or fish... or even just plain salt... through the hole... his huge thumb... had made in the rice ball... press it closed... then roll it some more... until he produced a perfectly round... scrumptuous-tasting "Kome Tama" (rice ball)...

What amazed me... was the fact... that they never got their rice cakes... or balls... mixed up into the wrong piles... because from the outside... they all looked exactly alike...!

But there they would sit neatly... on their huge cutting boards... behind a little sign... that labeled them... for what they were... All these deliciously tasty foods... could be bought... for a mere few Sen...!

With tears in my eyes... I looked back at my lost and gone forever... private moments... with my adored Papa... starting with the special... daily time with him... at the crack of dawn... before breakfast... ever since I was about three years old...:

First the rigorous exercises... together... in his make-shift attic gym... then laboriously trudging up the "yama" (mountain)... behind our house... with no water to drink... or food to eat... beforehand... to toughen up his future... world class champion athlete...!

Then... when we finally reached the top... we would watch the spectacular sunrise... of the Land of the Rising Sun... together... full of awe... and wonder... at God's Incredibly Magnificent Creation...

And on our long descent... sitting perched way up high... on top of his oh-so-proud-of-his-darling-Nadia Papa's strong... safe shoulders... her heart would be bursting with joy... that she had managed to please him... once again... although often... just barely by the skin of her teeth... for he was a very strict taskmaster... always demanding the utmost... out of her... in his determination... to train her... into becoming a world class athletic champion...

I was also sadly saying "Sayonara" ... to all those exhilarating hikes... up and down mountains... and through the hundreds of beautiful... unspoiled National Parks... throughout the width and breadth of Nippon... south of the main island... Honshu... to the smaller islands of Shikoku... and Kyushu...

Then north... to the next biggest island of Hokkaido... home of the peaceful Ainu... whose origins... remain veiled in mystery... to this very day...

Their roots might possibly be traced... to the tribes of Siberia... because of the fact... that they were a taller race... with slight Caucasian traces... with an abundance... of facial and body hair... and... of course... their language was different... from the Japanese...!

So that... in being so physically different... and their speaking tongue... so alien... made them severely discriminated against... by the last decade... of the 19th century... and almost to extinction... by the fierce... war-like Yamoto Nipponese... who drove those... living on the main island of Honshu... back to the wilderness of Hokkaido...!

But then... the Japanese government intervened... implementing a policy... aimed at assimilating the Ainu people... into the mainstream... of Japanese life...

Today... because of its extensive fishing industry... and agriculture... Hokkaido has become one of Japan's major sources of food... Unlike the islands to its south... farming is practiced widely... and there are numerous dairy farms... as well... Forestry is also a major industry... owing to the fact... that more than 70% of the island... is under timber...

Sitting in my deck chair... aboard the “Tjisadane...”... I tried to conjure up some joy... at the prospect of seeing my homeland... Switzerland... for the very first time... trying to squelch the heartbreaking memory... of my beloved Nippon... my beautiful Land of the Rising Sun... and the fascinating ten years... I had spent... living and learning... on her fertile... adventurous soil...

I knew nothing of Europe... other than the beautiful glossy... colorful Swiss calendars... that my Papa... Romansch-born Theodore Rau... who hailed from the very tip of the north eastern part of Switzerland... where their language... was a mixture of Italian and Latin... had brought home with him... over the last two Christmases...

Taking me aside... he had talked to me... for hours on end... proudly extolling the virtues... of his country of birth... and its citizens...

For instance... how clean... and free of litter... the streets of the cities were always kept... and how generous and warm... and wonderfully kindhearted... the Swiss people were...

Poring together... over every lovely calendar picture... he patiently explained all the scenes to me... naming all the awesome... snow-capped alps... from "Dufourspitze"... being the highest... towering at fifteen thousand two hundred and three feet... situated on the border of Italy... whose people called "Monte Rosa"...

To the distinctively contoured "Matterhorn"... rising fourteen thousand six hundred and ninety-one feet...

And then there was the beautiful "Jungfrau"... meaning "Virgin"... rising thirteen thousand six hundred and forty-two feet... which I myself was destined to climb... with my classmates... a few years later... as our "Natur Reise" (nature excursion) assignment...

And I marveled... in awe... that all of the alps... were much higher... than any mountain... Papa and I had ever climbed together... in Japan... and wondered whether we would be climbing any of them... together... once we reached our final destination... of German-Swiss... Zurich... in supposedly neutral Switzerland...

Fascinated... I exclaimed over the quaint... old-fashioned villages... showing Swiss peasants... squinting into the sun... all dressed up... in their colorful... traditional costumes... some of the men... dressed in short lederhosen... blowing on their alpenhorns... which were long... cumbersome hollow tubes... that flared into a curved bottom... which part rested on the ground...

And the sturdy looking men... would either be standing... in front of their charming chalets... or high up on an alpine plateau... on a lush carpet of green... studded with wild flowers... in myriad hues of whites... yellows... reds... blues and purples...

And all these typical... peaceful... Swiss pastoral scenes... would fill Papa with nostalgia... and a yearning... for his beloved homeland...

Having no reason to believe... that I was anything other than his flesh-and-blood daughter... at that time... I naturally thought... that I was Swiss born... also... and had equally longed... to see my native country... wanting to learn all about my own people... and their unique culture... customs and traditions...

Hearing about how they had stoically survived... living through a devastating period of a hundred year stretch of war... filled me with respect... and awe... for such an incredibly brave race of human beings... the Swiss population... consisting of a mixture of German/French/Italian/and Romansch-speaking people... whose craftsmen... were primarily famous throughout the world... for their excellent... precision-perfect watches... chocolates... and cheese...

But when I reached the age of nineteen... after a Hellish six years... of living in the greatly Hitler supporting city of Zurich... during a fateful second reunion... with my mother... in Germany... would I learn the startling... shocking news... that my loved/feared Papa Rau was not... in fact... my real father... and that... apart from my mother's French and Italian blood... bona fide English blood... from my real father... also flowed in my veins... and that I had not a drop of Swiss blood in me...!

(Those excruciating years... lived in a soul stifling environment... of largely narrow-minded... mean-spirited... humorless people... is also fully described... in the Part re "Europe" ... in "Seven Hells...")

Chapter 15
A Fairy Tale Babyhood... In Peking... China... Living With Just My Adored Papa And Mummie...!

From my earliest memory... I vaguely remember Mummie... cooing to me... in Italian... especially the endearment... "Mia tesora... and "Tzi-Tzi..."... her very special pet name for me... because... apparently... from the moment I was born... I was forever sneezing...!

And the sound I made... was "tzi"... always only twice... and she was forever filled with awe... wondering... how so much water... could come out of such a teeny tiny opening... of such a teeny tiny nose...!

Alas... I have no conscious memory... whatsoever... of my first idyllic two years... of living in Peking... China... but I do recall my mother... telling me a combination... of a heart-wrenching confession... and an amazing... delightful story... when I was in my thirties...

About when I was just a tot... all about how... by the time Papa Rau... arrived in Italy... to fetch her... and his Miraculously new-born... baby daughter... she had already given me... the beautiful name of "Graziella"... meaning "little Grace of God..." ... ingeniously created... by the famous Italian author and poet... Gabriele d'Annunzio... for the heroine... in one of his plays...

And about how all the well-wishers... and newspaper reporters... from all over the world... had come to see for themselves... and Bless the exquisitely beautiful... Madonna-like young Contessa mother... and her Miracle Angel baby... born on the Holy Day of Easter Sunday... insisting that she be named Graziella...

In fact... the name became so popular that... for a while... many mothers throughout Italy... were choosing it... for their newly-born daughters...!

A Miracle Angel baby... because my mother had accidentally swallowed a bottle of poisonous lye mixture... in her ninth month... as she was about to give birth... which... instead of congealing inside her body... had Miraculously reverted to liquid... after she fell to her knees... begging her Dio's forgiveness... for having tried to get rid of me... !

And how... when Papa had taken one look at me... about two months old... lying happily gurgling... in my crib... he had exclaimed... that I could not possibly be his daughter... because nobody in his family... had ever had blue eyes...!

But then... noticing my already exceptionally long body... arms and legs... and fingers... he was in awe... and decided... on the spot... that he would give me his name... and raise me... as his daughter... and that... as soon as I was able to walk... he would begin training me... into becoming a world class... athletic champion...!

And also noticing... that my eyes were slightly crossed... he said he would soon fix that... And true to his word... he very patiently... exercised my eyes... until they were no longer crossed... taking him about two months...

Then came the day... shortly after... when he declared... that he much preferred... to call me by his favorite Russian name... Nadia... instead of Graziella...!

Thus I became my adored Papa's “Darling Nadia...”... from then on... and my adored Mummie's "Darling Tzi-Tzi"... with nobody ever calling me Graziella... !

And for some strange reason... I refused to call my mother “Mama...”... no matter how much she tried to coax me... preferring to call her “Mummie"...!

Apparently... the three of us had been a very happy little family... in our cozy... fairy tale house... in Peking... Intending initially... only to stay six months... Papa's business responsibilities... had nevertheless caused the period... to lengthen... into over a year... with him... for a change... hardly ever absent from home... for long... on one of his business trips abroad...

And my mother told me how... from the earliest time of my babyhood... my adoring eyes... filled with total adulation... would follow her every movement...

And how... later on... when I was able to walk... to her chagrin... and annoyance... I would become like her "Shadow..."... always happy... to be following behind her... all around the house... cooing and gurgling... deliriously overjoyed... to be walking... in my beloved Mummie's cherished footsteps...

And the instant... I heard her voice... or the tapping sound of her shoes approaching... or if I happened to see her... while playing with my toys... by myself in a room... or in the garden... I would always immediately drop... whatever I was doing... jump to my feet... and rush towards her... my face all lit up... and glowing with happiness...

And beaming up at her... I would stretch out my arms towards her... in blind adoration... overwhelmed with Joy... to see my adored... exquisitely beautiful Mummie... and to bask in her precious presence... once again...

Not at all surprising for... from the moment I had gazed up into her exquisitely beautiful... Madonna-like face... I had instantly fallen passionately in love with her... deeply and completely... irrevocably... and unconditionally... committed to her... with all my heart and soul...

Blissfully unaware... I had no idea... that my obvious happiness... and delight in her... always caused her to feel strangely embarrassed... and more and more acutely aware... that she could not reciprocate... my open love for her...!

So great was her resentment... towards me... that it was sheer torture for her... to see that her daughter loved her so totally... for she could never respond to her... in kind... could never even bring herself... to pick her up in her arms... ever.. or give her a kiss... or a hug... not even once..!

And in my blind adoration for her... I was blissfully unaware... that she always avoided any close... physical contact with me...!

I was a perpetual thorn in her side... even spoiling her intimate moments... with her husband... for he had insisted... that my crib be installed... in their bedroom...

And seeing me coo... and gurgle happily... all the while staring at them... with my big... blue innocent eyes... while they made love... always unnerved her... making her unable to completely relax... in his loving arms...

And no matter how much she glared at me... trying to force me... with her angry look... to turn away... and go to sleep... I never did... I just beamed straight back at her... thrilled to the core... that my adored Mummie... was noticing me...

The open... innocent blue of my eyes... seemed to have a way of gazing... very earnestly... and intently absorbed... into my mother's own jet black eyes... which would make her shiver... feeling vulnerable... and exposed... unnerving her...

And she had an uncanny feeling... that my guileless staring... was looking deep down... into the very depths... of her soul... where my intent gaze... could see all her guilty secrets... especially the one... where she had tried to get rid of me... even before I was born... and how no doctor... not even an intern... or nurse... would perform the abortion... no matter how much money... she offered them...!

On looking back... I realize today... that her manner towards me... when we were alone together... was always tinged... with a certain condescending tolerance... her revulsion... and distaste... for me... thinly veiled...

But in my blind adoration of her then... I was blissfully unaware... of her determination... to harden her heart... against any maternal feelings... that might have arisen... in her 23 year old breast... towards her unwanted... embarrassing... adulterous love child...

Being so proud... and imperious... she blamed me... growing inside her... for the humiliating public scandal... she had been subjected to... when her adulterous affair... was publicly exposed... by her lover's wife... when she had dramatically shot herself dead... in the middle of the dance floor... at the Saturday Night Dance... at the YCAC... whilst hurling accusations... at the Italian harlot... dancing in her husband's arms...!

And then she had been further humiliated... by her enraged husband... who had banished her back... to her home in Italy... with the angry command...:

"Get rid of the brat!"

My open love... and adoration... for my mother... were so disarming... that she could never lay a hand on me - something about the way I would innocently look back up at her... so trustingly and lovingly - always stopped her raised hand... about to strike me... dead in her tracks...!

One day... she caught me in the garden... talking to myself... in fluent Japanese... describing some event... of a former lifetime in Japan...! She and her husband... Theo... had become Christian Scientists... the year before I was born... and they both had become fervent believers in reincarnation...

I was sitting on the grass... playing... speaking in high-class "Hiragana"... and she stood there... amazed at what she was hearing... marveling at the fact... that her curly golden-haired... white-skinned... blue-eyed... two year old daughter... might have once been a raven-haired... yellow-skinned... black-eyed Japanese girl... and of nobility... to boot... because she was carrying on a three-way conversation... at court... addressing noble lords and ladies...!

My mother was curious to hear more... of what I was saying... and had come closer... tip-toeing... but I had suddenly noticed her presence... and stopped talking to myself... crowing with delight... at the sight of her... and jumping to my feet... had tottered to her side...

Although she had tried... many times... after that remarkable episode... in the garden... to get close to me... unawares... hoping to hear more Japanese... which she herself... spoke fluently... having been brought to Japan... by her husband... when she was only sixteen... coming from my baby lips... as I kept up an ongoing conversation with myself... she had never succeeded...

And shortly after that astounding revelation... in the garden... the day came to pass... when she heard me singing to myself... for the first time... also while playing in the garden... And listening to me warble away... she had the uncanny feeling... that she was hearing... her own mother's voice...!

She had lost her mother... when she was only four years old... and from the distinct timbre... of my tones... was immediately struck... with the memory of her mother... sweetly and softly... singing Italian lullabyes to her... as she sat cradled... safe and warm... in her loving arms...!

And the goose flesh... rose on her arms... and the hair on her head... stood on end... as she realized... that her mother's voice and mine... were identical...!

The tears sprang to her eyes... and on that day... the thought was born in her to wonder... in awe... whether our roles... had become reversed... in this lifetime... making her marvel... at the prospect that I... her daughter... might possibly be the reincarnation... of her own mother...!

The unnerving likelihood... of this being so... had added enormously... to her feelings of guilt... at having wanted to abort me... and only added further... to her feeling unpleasantly tense... and on edge... around me... a nagging thought... that was to plague her considerably... as the years went by...

Poor woman... to be saddled with an adoring child... who was always happily exhibiting... her unconditional devotion to her... What a devastating cross... for her to bear...!

Chapter 16
The Beginning Of My Life... In Already Very Familiar Nippon... Where... At Two And A Half Years Old... I Already Become The Cause... Of Great Drama... At The Very Outset...!

Soon after Papa and Mummie... returned to Japan... from Peking... with me... now almost two years old... in tow... presumably around the early part of 1932... they collected their other two older children... six year old daughter... Prima Vera... and five year old son... Remo Guido... from the Canadian Academy... where they had been boarders... and set up house... in Kobe... for their extended family...

Automatically resuming... their gay Country Club life-style... at the YCAC... and what with Papa going off again... on long... extended business trips abroad... once again... they became increasingly estranged... from one another...

Naturally... being so young... I had no idea... that I was the center... of so much drama...!

For when Mummie's now widowed lover... Englishman Arthur Cannon... returned to Japan... briefly... to pick up his mother... and three young daughters... to take them back with him... to England... apparently he and Theodore Rau... had engaged in a fist fight over me... each of them vehemently claiming... to have sired me...!

But Judo and Karate champion... Theodore... had easily vanquished his hapless opponent... And as poor... elegant and graceful Arthur... lay on the ground... at his victor’s feet... defeated... Theodore had contemptuously urinated... upon his prone body...!

And then came the time... soon after... when Arthur's mother... coming across my mother... by chance... in the park one day... had taken one look at me... as I sat in my pram... gurgling... and cooing away happily... and had exclaimed... at how much I looked like her son... when he was a baby...!

And she had begged my mother... on the spot... to let her take me back to England... with her... thoroughly convinced... that I was her granddaughter... promising faithfully... to see to it... that I would be raised... in a loving household... growing up cherished... and secure...

But when my mother suggested the idea... to her husband... that I might possibly be Arthur's daughter... after all... he had flown into a towering rage...!

And she reminded him... that while she and Arthur had been lovers... during their "open" marriage... he... fully aware of it... had... nevertheless... insisted upon his conjugal rights... in his quest... for total physical fitness... firmly believing... that regular sexual intercourse... was vital for one’s wellbeing... so that she could not be absolutely positive... as to whose child... I really was...!

But now she was absoutely convinced... that I was Arthur’s... after all...!

And he had become stubborn... and adamant... about anybody else... raising me as his own... For nobody ... but nobody... was going to take his precious "darling Nadia"... away from him - end of discussion...!

As far as whether... following their return to Japan... the love affair... between my real father... Arthur... and my mother... was ever resumed... or not... she has consistently refused... to this day... to tell me anything more... about it... so that I do not know... whether they mutually decided to end it... or whether he did...

Perhaps the very real... shocking tragedy... of his neurotic wife's suicide... while he and his beloved Vera... were locked in each other's arms... dancing... and suddenly depriving his three daughters... of their mother... had brought him down from Cloud Nine... to his senses...

In view of my mother's continued... tinged-with-coldness... manner towards me... I assume that Arthur... must have broken off his relationship with her... which only served to perpetually rekindle... her resentment towards me... holding my very existence to blame for... not only the tragic outcome... of their love affair... but also for all her subsequent ills... and misfortunes... throughout her life... her simmering resentment... towards me... flaring up... all over again... especially whenever another love affair... went sour for her...!

At such times... she never failed to bitterly remind me... from the time... I was finally reunited with her... in South Africa... when I was twenty-one... after thirteen aching... long years of missing... and longing for her... and she was forty-four... especially whenever she happened to be drinking... which had been more and more frequent... the older she got... that if it was not for my being born... she would have been living in eternal bliss... with her beloved Arthur... the very first true love of her life...!

Then... by utter contrast... she would notice again... with a pang... how the living reminder... of her very first true love... when she was twenty-one... stood before her... the marked resemblance to him... so striking... making her catch her breath... as the memories of him... were reawakened... flooding her being... piercing her heart with longing...!

And the tears would spring to her eyes... and she would begin pleading with me... urging me to find her great love for her... hire detectives... do whatever I had to do... only to bring her beloved... precious Arthur... the love of her life... my real father... back to her...!

Chapter 17
Theodore Rau's Most Unusual Penchant... For Wanderlust...!

Growing up... I knew very little about my ancestry.... Papa Rau... leading me to believe... that I was his daughter... had told me... that he was born a Romansch/Swiss... and came from a tiny isolated county... at the eastern-most tip of Switzerland... where they spoke Romansch... a combination of Latin and Italian... which had made it very easy for him... to learn the universal language of Esperanto...!

He had confided to me... how both his parents had been killed outright... in a car accident... when he was only eight years old... and that he had been raised by a spinster aunt... until he was seventeen...

Theodore Rau had excelled at school... always at the top of his class... and also possessing... a very good tenor voice... and impatient to see the world... had seriously considered.... becoming a professional singer...

And... after graduating... when he was seventeen... unlike the insulated Swiss... at least the German Swiss... who were normally disinterested... in the rest of the world... beyond their borders... he... uncharacteristically... had roamed across Europe... for a while... with his guitar slung across his back... traveling through many countries... enjoying the carefree life style... of a singing troubadour...!

But then common sense had told him... that choosing a lifetime in the arts... would be a precarious way to make a living... and could never guarantee him a secure future... so he switched to pursuing a business career... instead...

Thinking that the best way to continue to see the world... would be to get into the business of importing and exporting... he had got himself hired by the Dutch East India Company... as an apprentice... when he was only eighteen... and was immediately transferred to India... for a short time... and then been loaned out to its subsidiary company... the Volckert Brothers... located in Japan...

And... after a few years... of learning the ropes... he... at the ripe young age of twenty-one... had embarked on going into business for himself... with three business associates... two Japanese... and one Swiss... as partners... forming their own companies... the Overseas Trading Company... and the Oriental Purchasing Company... with office branches... scattered from Zurich... Switzerland... to New York... Tokyo... Yokohama... Osaka... Kobe... Nagoya... Shanghai and Mukden...!

So that... all in all... he had spent altogether... some twenty-eight years... living in Japan... and ruling over his vast import export empire... throughout the Orient... and abroad...

Chapter 18
This Four And A Half Year Old Soul... Experiences Her Very First Prophesy... By A World Famous German Artist...!

There was another double scandal... when Papa found out about an illicit love affair... that his wife was indulging herself in... about two years... after Arthur and his family's departure from Japan - no doubt she was still desperately trying to forget him...

This time... it was with a world famous German artist... Her husband had commissioned him... to forever capture... on canvas... the flawless... exquisite Madonna-like beauty... of his young wife... Vera... now about twenty-seven years old... but still looking as young as a virginal teenager...!

And when the painter... beheld her olive-tinged... dark... Madonna-like beauty... and perfect oval features... he had been immediately smitten... and had begged her... to leave her husband... and come away with him... give him the delight... of showing her... an exciting European world of wonder... she had never known...

And the young... ardent artist... fully aware... that hers had been a cloistered life... shut away in a Catholic convent... in Paris... ever since she was four years old... shortly after her mother died... had promised his beloved... happiness... beyond her wildest dreams...

He knew all about how she had been bargained for... and sold... into an arranged marriage... between her formidable grandmother... and a Swiss businessman... twice her age... when she was only sixteen...!

And that he had been the very same man... a stranger to her... who... becoming overwhelmed... by her extraordinary beauty... had to possess it... and violently ravaged her... a year earlier... when she was only fifteen... whilst on vacation... with her Nonna (grandmother)... in Ticino... Switzerland...!

But Vera... secretly feeling more flattered... by the artist's love for her... than anything else... had told him... that she wished with all her heart... that she could just drop everything... and run away with him... but alas... she could not leave her three children... and had to stay with her husband... Theodore... for their sake... using especially me... her youngest... very convincingly... as the main reason... with much dramatic wringing of her hands... and much entreating sobbing...

Believing her words of anguish... and realizing that their love was hopelessly doomed... he had killed himself... in a fit of despair... leaving a poignant suicide note behind... to the effect... that he could not bear to face a future... which would be bleak... beyond endurance... without his beloved Vera... at his devoted side... the woman of his dreams... whom he loved... more than life itself...!

Theodore Rau... realizing that notoriety... was rocking his life... and smearing his good name... once again... at seeing his own wife's name... in the Nippon no shinbun (newspapers)... scandalously linked... yet again... to another man... had become so exasperated... that he had railed at her... for not having been more tactful... and more discreet... about her love affair...

Becoming thoroughly exasperated... he had worked himself up... into such a fit of rage that... trembling and uncontrolled... he had pulled out his gun... and shot her in the stomach...! But Thank God... not fatally...

I remember sitting very quietly... on the floor... in the corner of the room... during the afternoons... fascinated - I must have been about four and a half... - watching this tall... handsome man... with his wavy blond hair... and sky-blue eyes... decked out in a white smock... with a colorful scarf around his neck... completely absorbed... in painting on a large canvas... set up on an easel... the portrait of my exquisitely beautiful mother... day after day...

And I would marvel... at his total concentration... watching his arm... sweeping confidently up and down... on the large canvas... in front of him... And I remember my chest swelling with love and pride... for my adored Mummie... delighted that she was getting so much exclusive attention... from such a dashingly handsome... courteous young man...

And as young as I was... I remember very clearly... one particular afternoon... when an event took place... of such magnitude... that it is indelibly printed... in my very soul...!

I was sitting... as usual... in my corner... trying to be as still as a church mouse... watching him work... when he suddenly stopped... for a brief moment... and reacted with an exaggerated start... as if he was noticing me... for the very first time...!

Then... gazing at me... from across the room... he had shot a tender little smile... in my direction... then winked... as if the two of us... were sharing our own very special secret...!

And when the light in the room.... began to fade - the customary signal to me... that he was about through... with his session of painting... for the day - he delighted and surprised me... by striding over to where I was sitting... bent down... squatting on the floor... in front of me... and taking my hands into his... had looked very deeply into my eyes... for a very long time...

Then he had looked down... studying my long hands... and tapering fingers... clasped in his... very closely... running both his hands under mine... palm to palm...

And after a long while... turning his head towards my mother... he had proclaimed... in accented English... instead of his usual German... whenever he conversed with her... his voice a most pleasing tenor...:

"This Child... Has The Light Of God... Shining In Her Eyes... And She Will Do Great Things... With These Beautiful Hands... One Day...!"

Upon hearing his words... I felt such a surge of Joy... sweep throughout my body... at being so accurately “recognized...”... by another human being... and for the very first time in my life...!

For ever since I could remember... although nobody had ever told me... about the existence of God... I had been very much aware... that I was a child of His... for I could Feel His Constant Presence... inside me...!

And it seemed to me... that my love for Him... had burned unconditionally... fiercely... and loyally... in my breast... ever since I could remember... since the beginning of time...!

And now... hearing the intuitive man's words... it seemed as if a Prophetic Chord... Was Being Struck... deep inside... within the very core... of my being... and as young as I was... I "knew" ... that he was speaking... a profound Truth...!

As the years went by... I waited... in eager anticipation... of the "great things"... I would be doing... with my graceful... expressive hands...

But my school reports... only showed me to have the worst grades...:

The worst in handwriting... drawing... sewing... knitting... plus any kind of handicrafts - in short... anything that required the use of my hands... only resulted... in the worst quality... imaginable...!

Except for playing the piano... at which I was told... I was quite talented...

And the more I failed to produce... anything worthwhile... with my hands.... the more frustrated... I became...!

And I began to grow increasingly despondent... about the uselessness... of my already exceptionally long fingers... even beginning to harbor... ambivalent feelings... towards the painter... and doubting his Prophetic Words... more and more... with each passing... unfruitful day...!

And it was not until years... and years later... when I was about twenty-three... that I finally understood... what the artist's prediction had meant... when I met the world famous... Australian Psychic Healer and Medium... Arthur Ford... under the most extraordinary... and unusual circumstances... about six months... after I "murdered"... my precious son Marco...!

And only a few weeks... after my fiancé... Julian... to whom I was to be married... and immigrate to Canada with... becoming mentally unbalanced... through a complicated hernia operation...committed suicide... on the very eve... of what was to be our joint wedding day... together with my mother... and her fiancé... Braam...!

And it was during this multi-shocking... very low period of my life... when bitterly disappointed... and bewildered... and full of guilt... and for the very first... and only time in my life... turning myself away from God... that I met Arthur Ford...!

And he told me... that the time had now come... for me to fulfill my mission... here on the planet earth... and that my Blessed by God hands... were to become a Channel... for Divine Healing...!

(But that's another unusual story... fully detailed... under Index Listing... re Parts "South Africa"... and "Southern and Northern Rhodesia"... in my searing autobiography... my Spiritual Odyssey... "From Seven Hells... To Seventh Heaven... SUBUD...”)

Chapter 19
This SUBUD Soul... As Muftiah... Rescues Her Beloved Sister Prima... From Hell... Just Like She... As Grazia... Rescued Her Ex Husband Rene From Hell... Some Ten Years Earlier...!

It is very curious... how events seem to repeat themselves... For my mother's alcoholic... manic-depressive daughter... Prima... was also shot in the stomach... by a spurned lover... in Zurich... when she was in her early fifties... but unlike her mother... she died... as a result...!

At the exact same moment... while her other younger daughter... happened to be surrendering herself... to her Creator... Allah Almighty God... in the Latihan Kejiwaan of SUBUD... in her home in Tampa... Florida... in the USA...!

When she suddenly... heard the very familiar Voice... of her Guardian Angel Friend... in her right ear... Giving her the following devastating news... Saying...:

Your Beloved Sister Prima... Is No Longer On The Planet Earth... But In Hell...!

And after the Longest... Holy Silence... while she tried to absorb this terrible news... with a sustained feeling of surrender... to her Creator... and calm... inside her... her Guardian Angel Friend Spoke again... in her right ear... Saying...:

Are You Willing... Right Now... To Go Down To Hell... And Rescue Her From There...?!

To which she... without any hesitation... whatsoever... replied... with all the fervor... that was within her... that she most certainly was willing to rescue her beloved sister... right there and then... even from the very depths of Hell...!

After which... there was again... the very familiar... Deep... Holy Silence... which Lasted for quite a while...

And then her Guardian Angel Spoke again... Saying...:

Your Sister... Has Now Been Helped...!

For quite a few years... after that Incredible Spiritual Experience... believing that my beloved sister... had passed over... and was now in Heaven... I was amazed... to get a letter from her one day... while I was living... with my husband Farlan... in Daly City... near San Francisco...!

And during our subsequent correspondence... with each other... during which I got her Gloriously Inwardly “Opened...” and “Awakened...” into the Miracle of SUBUD... she confided... in one of them... how she had been fatally shot in the stomach... by a rejected lover... died... and been Miraculously... brought back to life... some seven minutes later...!

As far as my ex husband Rene was concerned... he died from hepatitis... about a year after I Received the Command from my Heavenly Father... to divorce him... after enduring three years of a Hellish marriage to him... which almost destroyed me...

About two years after our divorce... now married to Jacques... and living with him... on the island of Antigua... in the Caribbean... I had a Waking Dream one night... in which I Was Sent down to Hell... with a Document of Release... for my ex Rene...!

Getting back to Theodore Rau... Wanting to be free... of the whole ugly mess... he had left Japan... after first ascertaining... that his wife’s life... was not in mortal danger... leaving her to cope... with all the nasty... pestering... intrusive reporters... alone... plus the additional adverse publicity... in the hungry... scandal-mongering... slavering tabloids... with the Japanese reporters... always happy... to cast nasty slurs... and aspersions... on those “taihaiteki no gaikokujins...!” (decadent foreigners)...

And on that fateful trip... he met neurotic Xenia... the daughter of the famous Russian General Bogoluboff... of Tsar Nicholas's White Army... who was to become... the love of his life...!

Chapter 20
How This Soul's Heavenly Father... Avails Himself... Of His Loving Daughter's Services... To Be His Most Willing Channel... For The Divine Healing... Of Her Thirteen Co-Patients... For The First Time... While She Herself... Is Lying Flat On Her Back... Gravely Ill... In The General Hospital... of Salisbury... Southern Rhodesia...!

Throughout her most wonderful time... of being her Heavenly Father's most willing Channel... for Divine Healing... during her twenties... this humble to God soul... witnessed hundreds of episodes... of Miraculous Healing... even at times... greatly baffling the hospital doctors... over the before Divine Healing... X-Rays taken... and the after Divine Healing... X-Rays taken... showing... and proving... that even their terminally ill patients... had been Miraculously cured...!

There are two identical... Spiritual Experiences... that this humble to God soul underwent... where she became a most willing Healing Channel... for her Beloved Heavenly Father... even while she herself... was lying gravey ill in hospital...:

The first time... at the age of about twenty-five... and by the Grace of God... still looking years younger... she happened to be quite ill... lying in the General Ward... of the General Hospital of Salisbury... Southern Rhodesia... with a ruptured appendix...!

And the kindly doctor... discovering that she was born... with a retroverted womb... about which she had known absolutely nothing about... with not even one of the eleven gynecologists... who... over the years... had attended to her... with D and C's... nor the abortionist... had ever bothered to inform her about... corrected that also...!

He also offered to correct her clitoris... which was situated too high up... and about which... she also knew nothing about...!

But she declined his kind offer... not wanting to be reminded... about her prevailing... constant terror... of the act of sexual intercourse... no matter how much she happened to be in love... with her lover... and longed to give all of herself to him...!

A deep seated sexual trauma... caused by her brutal sexual assault... by a handsome young German POW... when she was a sensitive... virginal seventeen year old student... living in England...!

A terrible affliction... which was to last for some fifty years... and finally Purified... after some thirty-five years... of worshipping her Beloved Creator... her Heavenly Father... Allah Almighty God... by patiently surrendering herself to him... unconditionally... in the Latihan Kejiwaan... through the Miracle of SUBUD...!

There was also the fact... that her hospital stay... was not costing her a single penny... and she felt uncomfortable... about taking any more advantage... of their already very kind generosity towards her...

So with these two major operations... performed on her body... right after each other... you can imagine... how weak she still was... unable to even sit up... in her hospital bed...!

One morning... about a week later... with all her English Rhodesian... hospital co-patient friends... either calling her Grace... which was much easier for them to pronounce... than Graziella... or Nadia... the name she was using... as a professional singer... as she awoke... she was very surprised... to find all thirteen of them... of varying ages... standing around her bed... all of them waiting anxiously... for her to wake up...!

And as soon as her eyes opened... all of them started to jabber excitedly away at her...!

Having become acquainted with them... in the General Ward... over the past three weeks... they had become quite fond of each other... joking about how they had numbered the unlucky number of thirteen... until she... to their great relief... came along... to join them... so that she had been able to ask them... to please quieten down... and speak to her... one at a time... so that she could understand... what they were trying to tell her...

And what she heard... to her great astonishment... from each one of them... as they became calmer... Was That An Angel Of God... Had Appeared... To Every Single One Of Them... In Their Dreams... The Night Before... And Told Them... Upon Awakening... To Immediately Go To Their Friend "Grace"... Or "Nadia"... To Be Healed By Her...!

This Heavenly Revelation... was quite amazing... for over the years... she had gained quite a reputation... as a Spiritual Healer... both in South Africa... and in Salisbury... Southern Rhodesia... where she was now living... and also known as Nadia... as a popular singer... but she had always been reasonably healthy... when she attended to the physically afflicted...!

Very puzzled... lying flat on her back... and quietening herself... Grace/Nadia closed her eyes... and asked within herself... whether it was true... that as sick... and as weak... as she still was... that it was the Will of her Heavenly Father... that she be the Divine Channel... once again... to Receive His Great Holy Power... through her Blessed by Him hands... to heal these particular... dear thirteen co-patient friends of hers...!

And to her great astonishment... the very familiar Voice... that she knew so well... Quietly Spoke... Inside her... Confirming That All Her Co-patient Friends... Had Indeed Been Visited By Angels Of God... The Night Before...!

And It Was Given To Her... To Understand... That It Was Indeed... The Will Of God... That These Particular Thirteen Souls... Be Blessed To Receive Miraculous Healing... From Their Various Illnesses... And Operations... At This Particular Time...!

And Since She Happened To Be Among Them... And He Had Blessed Her... Already... For Quite A Few Years... With The Gift of Healing... Then She Was The Perfect Vehicle... To Be God's Divine Channel For Healing Them... There And Then... Even While She Herself... Was Too Ill... And Too Weak... To Sit Up... But Lying Flat On Her Back...!

Feeling full of reverent awe... and wonder... Grace/Nadia opened her eyes... then quietly told her friends... to go back to their beds... lie down... close their eyes... and quieten themselves... as much as possible... empty their minds... of all agitated thoughts... and still the excitement... in their hearts... and then come to her... one by one... as she called out their names...

When the doctor made his rounds... the following morning... just as she awoke... from a deep sleep... he was amazed to find... that she was still in bed... and still too weak... to be able to sit up...!

And he scolded her... for not being out on the terrace... with all her other co-patients... whom she noticed... were chatting away to each other... and happily sunning themselves...!

And he reminded her... that her physical condition... was not as bad... and as serious... as some of her co-patients... and that she should have already been much improved... to the point... that she should have been able to get out of her bed... by now...!

And feeling very embarrassed... she tried to explain to him... how all her thirteen co-patient friends... had been Miraculously Cured... by the Great Power of Almighty God... through her being His Divine Channel... and how exhausted... and more weakened... she had become... afterwards...

But her Throat Closed Up... a very familiar Sensation... which Told her... that she Was Forbidden... to explain anything at all... not even to this good doctor... the only one... who had been kind... and thoughtful enough... to enlighten her... about her retroverted womb... and clitoris...!

Later on... when her co-patient friends... were being examined by their various doctors... they expressed their amazement... that all thirteen of their patients... were suddenly fully recovered... seemingly overnight...!

And after all the doctors left the Ward... her friends came to her... to thank her... and told her... how they had wanted to explain... to their doctors... about their Miraculous Healing... through her... but for some strange reason... they had suddenly felt too shy... and even feared being looked at by their doctors... as strange... or even crazy...!

So it seemed as if Almighty God... Really and Truly... Did Not Want those particular good doctors... to know anything... about Divine Healing... at least... not at that time...!

The second time... the exact scenario of Divine Healing... repeated itself... was some five years later... when... at the age of about thirty... and by the Grace of God... still looking years younger... this humble to God soul... found herself... once again... lying very ill... in the General Hospital... having recently moved back to Johannesburg... South Africa... (the Holy Event fully described below... under Chapter 23...)

She was desperately in search... of most elusive SUBUD... (all fully explained... in the next two Chapters) ... and also to be reunited... with her exquisitely beautiful... estranged Contessa mother... once again... who had only to crook her little finger... and her adoring daughter... Tzi-Tzi Darling... would immediately drop everything... and rush to her side... no matter how pleasant... her own life happened to be... at the time...!

It so happens... that this soul was born... with only one functioning kidney... the other shriveled up... and never developed...!

Another fact... that she knew absolutely nothing about... nor had any doctor... bothered to tell her... in all the times she was struck down... with a nasty kidney infection...!

And here she was... back in hospital once more... suffering once again... with yet another kidney infection...!

Only this time... it was much worse...!

She had fainted in her brand new home... on the very night... after her very dear old Italian friend... Guido... whom she had known... ever since she was twenty-one... when she immigrated to South Africa... to be reunited with her adored mother... after thirteen long aching years of separation from her... had found a charming studio apartment for her... and helped her to move in... that very day...!

And if it was not for an Angel of God... Who Appeared To Him... In A Dream... That Night... Urging Him To Return To His Cara Graziella... Immediately... she may very well have died...!

Because when he found her... fortunately able to open her door with her key... when there was no response to his knocking... because he... being a very successful General Contractor... was going to install a burglar alarm system for her... the very next day... while she was out... looking for a job... finding her unconscious... he had been unable to rouse her...!

Becoming greatly alarmed... he had rushed her to hospital... And when she finally regained consciousness... some hours later... she found herself lying in a hospital bed... once again... with a worried looking Guido... tenderly gazing down at her... with his warm brown eyes...!

But this time... she had all kinds of tubes... inserted into various parts of her body...!

And one of them was inserted into her kidney... from which there was a long tube protruding... and slowly... and noisily dripping a horrible looking... stinking... dark brown liquid... into a bucket... by her bedside...!

And she was so embarrassed... to thus find her fiercely independent... Aries self... totally helpless... and her dear friend Guido... witnessing her degrading situation... smelling the stench... and hearing the awful sound of the poison... dripping out of her diseased kidney...

And then the doctor was there... and embarrassed her even further... by telling her... that until all the poison... was drained out of her badly infected kidney... all her future nourishment... would be liquid... and fed into her... via the catheter tube... inserted into the base of her throat...!

As Guido's beloved Cara Graziella... lay utterly helpless... day after slow agonizing day... in her hospital bed... barely able to move... with never a taste of any kind of food... on her tongue... and with the little sips of water... very painful to swallow... and with all the tubes... inserted into various parts of her body... with a wonderfully kind young nurse... very carefully giving her sponge baths every day... she lived for her dear old friend Guido's daily visits...

And every time she saw him... so utterly transformed... and looking years younger... she would marvel all over again... over the Power... of the Holy Word SUBUD... which she had personally witnessed... the very day she was reunited with him... after some ten years... in her brand new apartment...!

And she became more and more determined... to earn as much money as quickly as she could... as a highly paid Private Secretary... and as an entertainer...

So that she could afford to fly to London... and find the mysterious establishment... called "The Mystic Book Shop Of London"... whose little book catalog... Had Suddenly Materialized... on her coffee table... right in front of her... and her dear Greek friend... and protector...Dimitri... in the Holy Presence of an Angel of God... in her brand new apartment... in Bulawayo... Southern Rhodesia... right after her poignant divorce... from mentally unbalanced Brian...! (The Incredible Magical Night... is fully described below... under Chapter 22...)

And she could ask them... in person... why they had not responded to her at all... the three times she had written to them... enquiring why the longed for book... "Concerning SUBUD"... by John Bennett... which she had ordered from them... pre-paid... had not yet been sent to her...!

Chapter 21
The Poignant... Heartbreaking Story Of Guido... And His Utter Transformation... Fourteen Years Later... Through The Power Of The Holy Word... "SUBUD"...!

In my Spiritual Odyssey... "From Seven Hells... To Seventh Heaven... SUBUD..."... as listed in the Index... is the full story... of my deep and abiding friendship... with Guido... one of the kindest men... I have ever known...

Under this Chapter... it bears repeating... to write about what relates... to the Power of the Holy Word.. "SUBUD"... and the Magical Day we spent together... when he helped me move into a brand new studio apartment... and out of the clutches... of an evil monster...!

The machiavellian Austrian dress designer... a victim of polio... whom I met... shortly after my divorce from Brian... in Bulawayo... Southern Rhodesia... had been offered a lucrative position... at a prestigious fashion house... in Johannesburg... South Africa... in three months time...

So that when my mother suddenly invited me to drive down to Cape Town with her... and to live alone with her there... during the six months of parliament sessions... which she was expected to attend... as the representative... for the Italian Embassy... and time was pressing... my charming new friend... Gangolf... had kindly offered... to pack up my whole household for me... in crates... and send them on to me... once I was settled with my mother...

And he even promised... to personally bring my adored cocker spaniel Whiskie... to me... in Cape Town... after his government enforced three months of quarantine...

Naturally I was delirious with joy... at being reunited with my adored Contessa mother... once again... who explained... that her husband Braam... who was only three years older than myself... could not join her in Cape Town... for at least eight months... because of his military duties...

Under "Seven Hells"... is the full story of my joyous three months... spent with my adored Mummie... in beautiful Cape Town... and the degrading story... of the evil Austrian monster... Gangolf... whose permanent polio affliction... had filled me with heart felt sympathy... but whom I Was Forbidden... to Miraculously Heal...!

And how he had psychologically tortured... and sexually abused me... all over South Africa... while in absolute control of all my worldly goods... which he had put in his name... and threatened to have forwarded... to whatever address he chose... if I displeased him...!

His diabolical cruelties... inflicted on me... to test my sincere love for him... because he could not quite believe... that any woman... could really and truly love him...!

This meant that he had absolute control... of all my expensive evening gowns... and collection of pure silk kimonos... and all my delicate Oriental chinaware... and Lalique glassware... plus my important personal papers... such as my diploma from the modeling school... I graduated from... which had led to the famous Norman Hartnell... offfering me a prestigious job... to become the exclusive model... for Queen Elizabeth of England...!

But the worst thing the evil monster did... was to give my precious Whiskie away... who had always growled at him... then quickly hid himself... under the furniture... refusing his offerings of prime steak... from the first class restaurants... he would take me to...!

After three years... of an unnatural marriage... I was easy prey... to the charms of Gangolf... whose jet black eyes... never kept still... but always darted about inquisitively...

Lying helpless... in my hospital bed... I was heartsick over the loss of my adored pet Whiskie... and chastised myself... over and over... for having been so careless... as to leave him in the hands of a man whom he obviously hated... and rightfully did not trust...!

And I marveled all over again... over the emotional hold... my still exquisitely beautiful... imperiously proud... Contessa mother... had over me... that I would simply drop everything... and anybody... to be with her...!

Why... I had even fiercely willed the necessary passport to arrive in time... to join her... having been told... that it would take at least six months...!

Then... wanting to cheer myself up... I found myself recalling the enormous Spiritual Power... that the Holy Word "SUBUD"... Had... over one's soul... the amazing Evidence of which... I had personally experienced... then witnessed... not just once... but twice... so far... in two of my closest... and dearest friends...!

And I thought of my dear friend Guido's Merciful Deliverance... from years of soul-deep anguish and torment... and his Utter Transformation... on that Magical Day... when he helped his Cara Graziella... after she contacted him... and poured her miserable soul out to him...

Being in the business of building... he had found the most charming studio apartment for me... making sure that the lease was solely in my name...

I had finally convinced the evil monster... - giving the finest acting performance of my life... - that I would be delirious with joy... to marry him... suggesting that we move into an apartment together...

And believing me... he had arranged to have all my worldly goods... which turned out to be... packed to the brim... in four enormous crates... delivered to the apartment...

My dear friend Guido was present... helping me to unpack the gigantic crates... when Gangolf finally arrived... believing that we were going to be living together...

And still being quite a handsome... magnificently tall... well-built... muscular man... with a healthy tan... from working outdoors so much... although his head of rich brown hair... had turned silvery gray... Guido was quite intimidating... with his rolled up sleeves... showing off his rippling muscles... to the dapper... slender.. much shorter man... who would always exagerrate his limp... whenever he sought sympathy... from others...

He was startled to see... that I was not alone... and looked at me questioningly...

But all I could feel... now... was no longer... the truly sincere love... I had felt for him... but utter contempt... for the cripple... who for three months... had put me through such torture... and who... just the very night before... knowing how much I loathed horror movies... from all the times... my Amahs would force me to see bloody... gory Samurai movies... with them... when I was a mere tot... had forced me to go and see one of the worst with him...

So I did not feel to honor such an evil monster... by introducing my dearest friend Guido... to him...

Looking down at him... from my own great height of now five foot eleven... speaking to him in our usual language of German... I very calmly told him... that I was through with him...

And I was thrilled to see the tail end of him... after he nervously withdrew his own artistic supplies... from one of the crates... and I realized... watching him walk out of the glass apartment door... with his exaggerated limp... no longer feeling... even a shred of sympathy for him... that I was finally in control of my own life... once again...

Naturally I had no inkling... at the time... that he would be back... and charming the building apartment manager... into letting him in... as my fiance... I would come home from work... one evening... to find him sitting there... in my easy chair... with a deadly gun aimed unwaveringly... up at my chest...!

But that's another story... of thousands... all told in "Seven Hells..."!

Guido had ordered an enormous Italian lunch for us... from the best Italian restaurant in town... and had kindly stocked my fridge to the brim... with all kinds of pasta specialities... making sure... that at least I wouldn't starve...

So happy to be reunited with him... after so many years... meeting him first... as my mother's fiance... we enjoyed each other's company... catching up on each other's lives... sitting on my unpacked... extra large soft cushions... on the floor... and leisurely dining... off my low round... lacquer table... just like I used to... in Japan...

Guido had brought a bottle of Chianti with him... to celebrate my glorious freedom... and after my Allowed three sips... I found myself telling him... about my extraordinary Spiritual Experience... in Bulawayo... shortly after my divorce from Brian... about a year earlier... and my frustration... in being unable to find SUBUD...

There was always a tinge of sadness... in Guido's warm brown eyes... and I knew all about the reason why... having shared his moments of anguish with him... many many times...

As a young man... immigrating to South Africa... from Italy... he met a beautiful young socialite... from a wealthy South African family... and beguiled by her... soon found himself married to her...!

He was floating on Cloud Nine with her... and even more ecstatic... when she got pregnant... then presented him... with his very own son...!

But then... after about three years... tiring of the great difference... in their social standing... not liking the idea of being married to a foreigner... a mere Contractor... who dirtied his hands... with manual labor... his snooty wife... bowled him over... bringing him crashing down... from his blissful happiness... by suddenly asking him for a divorce...!

Poor Guido did not stand a chance... against his wife's powerful... influential family... with his now icy cold wife... shutting him out of their little son's life completely... and after remarrying... even arrogantly going so far... as to changing his Italian name... to an English one...!

Countless times... I had been with Guido... in his car... parked outside the imposing iron gates... of his ex wife's vast estate... patiently waiting for hours on end... with him... in the hope to just even catch a glimpse of his precious son... now about four years old... whom he loved... more than life itself...

These were poignantly private moments... that Guido and I shared alone together... when I would often hold his heaving with anguish body... close to my breast... let him pour out... all the sorrow... in his yearning soul... in my comforting arms...

Being engaged to my mother... when I met him... I soon realized that with her... he had to be strong... and dependable... but with her daughter... in whom he instantly recognized a kind... understanding soul... he could be his real self... show his true feelings...!

Although I knew that being born an Italian... Guido had grown up as a Roman Catholic... nevertheless... over the poignant hours spent in his car... sitting in the dark... he confided his disappointment... in his religion... and even more so... after he lost his precious son... Angelo... his precious Angelito... "Little Angel"... wondering why God Had Taken him away from him...

And as gently as I could... I explained about Karmic Debts... and that there was the possibility... that in a previous incarnation... he had ruthlessly taken away a child... from the woman he had been married to... in this life... and that he was now experiencing the Divine Law of Cause and Effect... of his previous cruel action... towards her... and feeling inside me... that I spoke the truth...!

The inevitable day came... when my imperiously proud mother found out... that I was alone with her fiance... several nights a week... and naturally jumping to the wrong conclusion... she accused innocent me... of trying to seduce him... and take him away from her...!

Having promised Guido... never to tell another living soul... about our nightly ventures... I could not explain away... my innocence... to my adored mother...

There had been a huge blow-up between her and Guido... and he had been so horrified... at the venomous words... spewing out of her mouth... regarding her own daughter... his precious Cara Graziella... who had been nothing but a sympathetic friend... whom he could freely confide in... that he had abruptly broken off their engagement...!

This was the second time... my mother was blaming me... for losing the affections of a man she loved...!

The first time... was soon after arriving in South Africa... to be reunited with her... wanting only to spend as much time with her as possible... to make up for all the lost years... and never interested one little bit... in any kind of romance.... with any man...!

(The very sad incidences... involving three men... my Contessa mother accused innocent me... of taking away from her... within the space of only one year... are fully told in "Seven Hells..."!)

Now stuffed to the gills... with delicious Italian food... I suddenly found myself wondering... yet again... why Guido... whose warm... kind brown eyes... still had a tinge of sadness in them... kept popping briefly into my life... at crucial times...!

And how the last time it happened... was when I was so unhappily married to Brian... bumping into Guido... while on vacation to visit Brian's family... his father being the chief fireman... for the district... and where Guido was contracted... to work on the firehouse...!

At that time... upon suddenly seeing me again... after some eight years... he had lost control one night... when we found ourselves alone together... and declared his years of love for me... as a desirable woman...!

I was so taken aback... that I had fought him off me... But later on... back in Bulawayo... I could not stop thinking about him... and longing to see him... and wondering whether my Heavenly Father meant for us to be together... for life... after all...!

And that being a passionate Italian... his dear self... would be The One... to finally unlock my sexual freeze... and terror of sexual intercourse... ever since I was seventeen... and so brutally attacked... by a German prisoner of war... in England...

And it suddenly dawned on me... that we were together again... and alone...!

And emboldened by the three sips of wine... which went straight to my head... when he stood up... to stretch himself... I sprang to my feet... and throwing myself into his powerful arms... which instinctively wrapped themselves around me... I found myself joyously looking up at him... and declaring... my abiding love for him...!

Then I happened to notice the long... roomy daybed... below the large picture window... of the charming... spacious studio apartment... which would have been perfect for us... to finally consummate our years and years of unrequited love... for each other...

But when I motioned for us... to lie down on it together... so that we could make each other really happy... at long last... to my utter surprise... he wrenched himself... out of my loving arms...!

And letting out a groan of anguish... he cried out... in his charming Italian accent...:

"Cara Graziella... dearest soul of my heart... I would love to take you... here and now... make passionate love to you... God Knows... I have waited for you... long enough...!

First it was your mother... whom you idolized... who stood between us... and then your precious John... then Brian...!

And now you are free... but I am not...!

I cannot show you how much I have always loved you... and always will... as a man in love... with the woman of his dreams... because I am a married man...!"

And gently leading a thoroughly stunned and embarrassed me... back to the table... he sat me back down... and told me... how he had married a trusted cousin of his... from childhood... about three months ago... for business reasons only ... bringing her to South Africa... from Italy... because there had been thefts... and mismanagement of money... in his large contracting firm...

Sitting opposite him... in a daze... and digesting his words... and realizing what an honorable man he was... having secretly loved me... as a woman for years... and that he still would not break his marriage vows... even though his was a loveless marriage... I suddenly found myself wondering... how he would react... to the Holy Word of "SUBUD"...!

And jumping to my feet... I retrieved the precious little Materialized book catalog... which I always carried around with me... from my handbag... and picking up my extra large.. soft cushion... I went over to Guido... and sitting down on it next to him... lay the little catalog on the table... and opened it to the page... advertising John Bennett's "Concerning SUBUD.." ... the only title shown in bold print...!

And already I noticed... how the atmosphere in the room... Had suddenly become Holy and Still... just as on that Magical Night in Bulawayo... about a year earlier... with my other dear friend and protector... Dimitri... from Greece... as Guido looked down... at my pointing finger...

And as he slowly read the title of the precious book out loud... and came to the Holy Word of "SUBUD"... I saw him bow his head reverently... and close his eyes... as if he was praying...!

And then... to my utter astonishment... his whole muscular... magnificent six foot four body... Started to Shake... a little at first... but then More and More... then Uncontrollably... as if his entire being... Was Being Gripped... in a Gigantic Seizure...!

And as I sat there next to him... totally spellbound... and becoming aware... of the Heavenly Scent of Roses... Surrounding us... knowing that an Angel of God Was Present... just as on that Magical Night in Bulawayo... with Dimitri... Guido's mouth opened... and as if from the very depths of his soul... came a kind of slowly Rising... Keening Sound...!

And the heart-wrenching Sound... was of such utter Anguish... such as I had never ever heard... coming out of another human being before... in all my life...!

Then the Seizure suddenly Stopped... and his whole body began to Sway... Back and Forth... Back and Forth... as he tightly wrapped his arms... around his chest and great body...

And my heart went out to my dear dear old friend... full of the greatest sympathy... and loving understanding... as I instinctively put my arms... around his heaving great shoulders... just like I used to... in his moments of anguish... in his car... so many years ago...

And Guido... still with his eyes closed... and head bowed... continued to Utter the soul deep Wail of Anguish... which would slowly Rise... from the very depths of his being... and come out of his mouth... like a gigantic Wail... best described... like an ambulance siren...!

This very Private Inner Communion... between Guido... and His Loving Creator... Almighty God... Lasted for quite a while... with the air around us... Holy and Still... and the Heavenly Scent of Roses... still Surrounding us...

Then I noticed a change in Guido... as he sat next to me... with my comforting arms around him... no longer Wailing... but utterly still...

Then after a little while... he lifted his great handsome head... and opened his eyes... and as he turned towards me... I saw that his whole face... had become utterly Transformed... and there was a beautiful Radiance about him...!

And the most wonderful... Heavenly Gift of all... was that there was no longer a trace of sadness... not even a tinge... in his warm brown eyes...!

Looking at me... with his shining new eyes... he said... with a note of wonder... in his voice... in that charming Italian accent of his...:

"Cara Graziella... a Miracle Has Happened...! I no longer feel the great sorrow... of losing my precious son... Angelito... which has been tormenting my soul... for so many many years...! It is all gone...!

All these many years... I have been feeling the burden of shame... and guilt... because I did not fight hard enough for my son...

Only Almighty God... Could Have Released me... from my years of great anguish... and now He Has...! May His Holy Name be Praised Forever...!

And you... my Cara Graziella... to whom I instantly lost my heart to... and trusted... the moment our eyes met... so long ago...

I can never thank you enough... for your sincere friendship... towards me... and all the times you comforted me... in my moments of agony... when we sat in my car together... so close to my precious son... and yet so far away...

We must find this SUBUD... and as soon as possible... for it is truly Holy...!"

And I was so happy... that another living soul... this time my dear friend Guido... Had Been So Greatly Blessed... by his Creator... by the Holy Word of "SUBUD"... and perhaps even more so... because he had not broken his marriage vows...

Chapter 22
How Two Devoted Children Of God... Nadia And Dimitri... Are Introduced To... And Deeply Touched... In Their Souls... By The Miracle... Of The Holy Word "SUBUD"... In A Very Unusual Way... The Remarkable Spiritual Experience... Exceedingly Blessed... By The Presence Of An Angel Of God... And Transforming Both Of Them... Forever...!

Lying helpless in my hospital bed... with all the tubes still inside me... I tried to accept the sad news... that my dear old friend Guido... would no longer be coming to visit me... his Cara Graziella... because of a lucrative contract... which was going to take him far away... to the Orange Free State... for at least four months...!

Just the morning before... I had woken up... to find a plain looking... strange woman... with jet black eyes... standing by my bedside... motionless... and staring down at me... her face expressionless...!

And I instantly knew... that the woman... with her Mediterranean olive complexion... was Guido's trusted cousin and wife...!

She looked just like a no nonsense school teacher... with her black hair... severely pulled back into a bun...

And there was just this deadly silence... between us... as she kept on staring down at me... for the longest time... with the only sound... the very embarrassing... loud drip... drip... dripping of the poisonous dark brown liquid... into the bucket beside my bed...

I tried to smile up at her... in greeting... hoping that she could see... that with the tube... inserted in the base of my throat... it was almost impossible for me to speak...

But she did not return my smile... and after a few more moments... abruptly turned heel... and briskly walked away...

And wondering what on earth Guido had said to his new wife about me... that she should be so hostile... wanting to cheer myself up... I thought back to the most extraordinary Magical Night... in Bulawayo... Southern Rhodesia... when the Holy Word of "SUBUD"... had touched me so deeply... leaving an empty... aching void inside my soul... ever since...!

When the Extraordinary Miracle happened... I was newly divorced... from a miserable three years... of a poignant... never consummated marriage... to a younger blond giant... with a heart as big as the ocean... but who happened to be mentally unbalanced...!

And I had narrowly escaped... from being strangled to death by him... with the timely Help... of my Guardian Angel Friend... when he had finally tried to kill me...!

About to sign the Marriage Certificate... at the Bulawayo City Hall... I Had Been Warned... Not to Sign it... by my Guardian Angel Friend...!

But had anyway... against the Will of God... mainly out of gratitude... and his mother's pleading... because the young giant... my ardent fan... had nursed me... a total stranger... devotedly... through my seven month long coma...!

(Our pathetically sad... so called "marriage"... of about three years... is fully described... under the Part relating to "The Poignant Saga Of Nadia And Brian..." ... as shown in the Table of Contents... of my Spiritual Odyssey... "From Seven Hells... To Seventh Heaven... SUBUD..." )

This trying to be humble to God soul... at the age of about thirty... and by the Grace of God... still looking like a teenager... and using her middle name... Nadia... professionally... as a singer... was happily enjoying a reunion... with her magnificent Greek Adonis... her kindred in spirit... lover and protector of old... fascinating Dimitri... from Salisbury...!

She had had no contact... whatsoever... with him... during those poignantly sad... three years... with him keeping away from her... out of respect for her marriage... to Brian...!

She had just moved... into her brand new apartment... a few days earlier... and was sitting... late at night... relaxing... and enjoying her freedom... dressed in her silk lilac lounging pajamas... after having just entertained... a large... appreciative audience... at the prestigious Sheraton Hotel...

And on this Magical Night...as always... Dimitri... of the strangest color eyes... and flaming red hair... bowled her over... when she suddenly saw him... as large as life... standing in her living room...!

He had teletransported himself... right through the wall... into her living room... in Bulawayo... all the way from Salisbury... some thirty miles away... like he used to do... when she lived there...!

And as she looked up at him... in astonishment... he told her... that he had come to her... because an Angel of God... Had Appeared To Him... In His Dream That Night... With The Wonderful News... That She Was Free... And That He Should Go To Her... Right Away...!

And as they sat cozily together... with Whiskie... her adored... black and white... cocker spaniel's head... resting on his lap... who had been a loving gift from Brian... as a substitute... for her to love... before they could completely catch up... on each other's lives... over the last three years... something quite extraordinary happened...!

First of all... little Whiskie... suddenly sat bolt upright... and started whimpering... staring straight ahead of him... with his soft... expressive brown eyes... as large as saucers...!

And then... as the atmosphere around them... became Still... something suddenly Materialized... on Nadia's coffee table... right in front of them...!

Nadia thought it was one of Dimitri's magical feats... for when she lived in Salisbury...he had introduced her... to the fascinating world of the supernatural... to levitation... astral travel... mental telepathy... teletransportation... etc...!

The latter... being his favorite mode... of going from place to place...he had often walked... right through the glass... of her locked French glass doors... when she was single... and needed his help...!

Once... to save her... while she was innocently... going down her long list... of suffering souls... who had written to her... absorbed in their Absent Healing... during what he warned her... was called the dangerous time... of midnight... the "witching hour..."!

And yet another time... while she was being scolded... by a young Catholic priest... about her heathen healing practices... flooring the good man of God... when he saw a tall... magnificent specimen... of a male... with flaming red hair... walk right through the glass... of her French glass doors... as she was graciously serving him... some tea...!

And flabbergasting him... still further... when she found herself... suddenly asking him... without intending to... about the ugly... embarrassing... large growth... under his armpit... and about his right knee... as she instantly became a Divine Channel... To Heal his years of afflictions... making a fervent believer... and friend... out of him... from then on...!

Or whenever unhappily married Dimitri... whose young wife did not share his fascination... with the supernatural... in the least... longed to be with his beloved... for a little cuddling... never insisting on sexual intercourse... because he knew how frightened she was... of the act... but teaching her wonderful... other ways... to give each other physical pleasure... he would come striding through... her locked French glass doors... to spend a few loving hours... with his precious love...!

Leaning forward... Nadia noticed... that the innocent looking object... on her coffee table... was some kind of catalogue booklet... when she saw... "The Mystic Book Shop of London..." ... printed... very quaintly... on its cover...!

She looked at her dearest Dimitri... questioningly... whose psychic Greek mother... had taught him... all about the supernatural... when he was twelve... having told them... that they had been together... as one... in a previous lifetime... but he looked just as puzzled... as she was...!

And as they looked at each other... the air around them... became even more Holy and Still... and they both became aware... that something Quite Extraordinary... Was Taking Place...!

Feeling full of reverent awe and wonder... Nadia... who now stood at five feet eleven inches tall... suddenly found herself... down on her knees...!

And as she tentatively reached out her hand... to pick the Magical little Booklet up... its pages Fell Open... to a page... that was advertising some books...!

Her eyes were immediately drawn... to the left hand side of the little page... where she saw a book and its cost advertised... noticing that it was the only book shown... in bold print... and that it was titled... "Concerning SUBUD"... by John Bennett...!

And upon seeing the Holy Word of "SUBUD"... for the very first time in her life... Nadia felt as if she was humbly bowing down... before her Beloved Heavenly Father... and that yet another... enormous Revelation... Was About To Be Given to her...!

And as Nadia... feeling full of awed reverence... towards Him... looked down... and slowly read the title... of the book... out loud... and said the Holy Word of "SUBUD"... for the very first time... in her life... pronouncing it correctly... as "SOOBOOD..." ... she Experienced...:

A Strange Kind Of Flutter... Flitting Across The Inside... Of Her Chest...!

And when Dimitri... noticing how his beloved's face had become transfigured... into a beautiful Radiance... also stood up... towering above her... like a magnificent Greek god... then fell to his knees... and also reverently read the Holy Word of "SUBUD..."... out loud... he Experienced...:

The Sensation... Of A Very Strong Explosion... Inside His Chest...!

And as they looked at each other... thoroughly overcome... at what Had Just Transpired... with Dimitri's face... now also Glowing... with an Inner Radiance... the Holy... Still atmosphere... around them... became Filled with the Fragrance... of the Heavenly Scent of Roses...!

Full of wide-eyed awe... and wonder... they realized... that an Angel Of God... Was Present... as their Holy Witness...!

And with Dimitri now... also Radiantly Transformed... looking at each other... in awe... they both knew... that all their years of searching... for a Holy Path... that would lead them straight back to God... had finally come to an end...!

And Nadia instantly knew... with every fiber... of her being... that all her years... of desperately searching... for a True Spiritual Path... That Would Lead her... Straight Back... To Her Heavenly Father... Almighty God... where she would no longer feel... a sense of limitation... as she had... so many times... before... in the past... in following various Spiritual Paths... had finally... Hallelujah... come to a Glorious end...!

And that the Path Of SUBUD... Would Be The Path... That Would Truly Lead her... Straight Back... To Her Beloved Heavenly Father... Almighty God... And That Through SUBUD... she Would Be Given... A Sense Of her Blissful... Glorious Eternity... In Paradise...!

In fact... that sense of Limitless Eternity... has really come true... For even just a yesterday... already seems... like a century ago... and hard to recall...!

Because... in the SUBUD Way Of Life... one really and truly... only lives... in the present... giving the whole... of each yesterday... back to one's Creator... Almighty God...!

Except in the instances... of periodic Purification... when Almighty God... Very Gently... and in Gradual Degrees... that can be borne... by the particular soul... Makes His loved son... or daughter... look back... upon their mistakes... and sins... one by one...

Feel the painful... Spiritual Reality... of what each one was... and hopefully learn from them... and never make the same mistakes... or commit the same sins... ever... again... since one can easily be Reminded... of the very real... painful Purification Process... of each one of them...!

So that... each time... Almighty God... Mercifully Shows us... the Spiritual Reality... of our wicked ways... there truly is no excuse... to commit them again...!

Thus began an aching yearning... inside Nadia... And she wasted no time... immediately ordering... John Bennett's book... from "The Mystic Book Shop of London..." ... the very next day... paying for it... since Dimitri... in his immediate teletransportation to her... had not thought it necessary... to bring any money with him...!

And with dear Dimitri... visiting her... in the same way... every night thereafter... they both happily awaited its arrival...

But alas... the very precious... eagerly awaited... pre-paid for book... was not delivered...!

And when she wrote to "The Mystic Book Shop of London..."... inquiring why... they had not yet... sent the pre-paid book to her... indicating that it had been... already three weeks... since she had ordered it... there was no response from them... whatsoever...! Neither when she wrote to them... a second... nor a third time...!!!???

And while she waited... for the precious book... to arrive... with an almost unbearable... aching longing... inside her... she decided to seek the precious book... or anything else about SUBUD... in all the book stores... throughout the city of Bulawayo...

She also asked all her adoring fans... and becoming desperate... even strangers on the street... about more and more elusive SUBUD... and got the strangest reactions from them...!

In fact... anyone... and everyone... she came across... reacted with peculiarly blank... shocked faces... claiming that they had never heard... of the book... or about SUBUD... some of them getting all flustered... and looking suddenly uncomfortably exposed... blushing... stammering... and stuttering... barely able to say the Holy Word...!!!???

While yet others reacted startled... as if hit in the chest... by the Holy Word...!

And the aching yearning... inside Nadia... grew stronger... and stronger... and deeper... and deeper... as she desperately... tried to find... John Bennett's book... all her inquiries... at book stores... asking her friends... office co-workers... her adoring public... at the different places she performed... yielding absolutely nothing...!

Dimitri... whose soul was also yearning for SUBUD... was likewise trying to find the book... or anything else about SUBUD... throughout the city of Salisbury... which was much larger than Bulawayo... and getting the same kind of reactions... as well... and also without any success... whatsoever...!

This yearning soul was to wait... another l-o-o-ong ... agonizing year... Being Taught Patience... one of the most important... necessary qualities... for worshipping Almighty God... the SUBUD Way...

And only when she... being a fiercely independent... strong-willed... impetuous... defiantly willful... impulsive Aries soul... Was Brought Down Low... to utter helplessness... with no strength left... hospitalized... yet again... back in Johannesburg... South Africa... Was she finally Led... Directly to SUBUD... by an Angel of God...!

Dimitri and Nadia... had become separated... when he was forced to sell his leather goods store... in Salisbury... and return to Greece... a few months after their joyous reunion... with them promising each other... to never rest... until they had found SUBUD... and to keep in touch with each other...

(You can read all about this humble to God soul's years... as a Spiritual Healer... in both South Africa... and in Southern... and Northern Rhodesia... and her very unusual... wonderful... intimate association... with her dear kindred in spirit lover... and protector... Dimitri... under references to the Part... describing her life... in those places... in the Table of Contents listing... of her Spiritual Odyssey... "From Seven Hells... To Seventh Heaven... SUBUD...")

And now... here she was... back in Johannesburg... at the General Hospital... flat on her back... suffering... with yet another kidney infection... an affliction... which had plagued her... all her life... with no idea... that she had only one functioning kidney... the other one... shriveled up... and never developed...!

(However... she is happy to say... that through the Miracle of the Latihan Kejiwaan... of SUBUD... she discovered... when she found herself hospitalized... at the Cape Canaveral Hospital.. in Florida... with yet another bout of chronic cystitis... which had also plagued her... for many years... now being in her eighth year in SUBUD... that her shriveled up kidney... had fully developed... some time during the last four years... since the last X-Ray taken... when she was in her fourth year in SUBUD...!)

She happened to be in the same room with her beloved third husband Mark... at the time... who was there because of horrible burns sustained... from a gas tank explosion... near their home in Antigua...!

Having given up all hope... of ever finding this Magical... elusive "SUBUD..." ... in South Africa... which had Stirred her... so deeply... thinking to herself... gloomily... that SUBUD was probably only available... in England... and she would have to save up some serious money... for her all important trip... to The Mystic Book Shop of London... itself... to find it... she was thoroughly amazed... when another extraordinary Miracle Happened...!

Chapter 23
This Most Willing Servant Of God... Is Once More Called Upon... By Her Beloved Heavenly Father... To Be His Channel... For The Miraculous Healing... Of Another Thirteen Co-Patients... Despite The Fact... That She... Herself... Is Lying Flat On Her Back... Gravely Ill... With Yet Another Nasty Kidney Infection...This Time... In The General Hospital... of Johannesburg... South Africa...!

First... she had an Angel Dream... In Which She Was Told... That... Upon Awakening... She Should Be Willing... To Do... What Would Be Asked Of Her... Without Question... Or Hesitation... Of Any Kind...!

And when she awoke... there were the patients... of the General Ward... with her... all thirteen of them... who had become her friends... during the month... she was hospitalized... crowded around her bedside... anxiously waiting... for her to open her eyes...!

And as soon as they saw... that she was awake... despite all the tubes... still inserted... into various parts... of her body... they started to excitedly babble to her... about their identical Angel Dreams... In Which They Were Told... That... Immediately Upon Awakening... They Were To Go To Their New Co-patient Friend... Graziella... (or Grace...) ... To Be Healed By Her...!

Just exactly like the time... about four years earlier... when she was lying flat... on her back... in hospital... in Salisbury... Southern Rhodesia... recuperating from her appendix operation... and adjustment... of the retroverted womb... she was born with...!

That none of the eleven gynecologists... she had seen... in South Africa... for D and C's... because of her heavy monthly bleeding... who had all hospitalized her... here... in the General Hospital... nor the abortionist... had ever bothered... to tell her about...!

Neither had any of them... ever bothered to tell her... about the fact... that she only had one fully functioning kidney...!

When one patient... after another... in Salisbury... thirteen of them... had come to her bedside... telling her... about how an Angel of God... Had Appeared... To Them... In Their Dreams... Telling Them That... Immediately Upon Awakening... They Were To Go To Their Friend... To Be Healed By Her...!

Remembering her own Angel Dream... of Heavenly Instruction... Graziella... now a patient of the General Hospital... in Johannesburg... did what she always did... in cases of Spiritual Healing... as she had... in the hospital in Salisbury...

Through the tube... still inserted... at the base of her throat... she managed to croak... to again... all thirteen of the Specially Chosen by God patients... to go back to their beds... lie down... close their eyes... and quieten themselves... and also to empty their minds... of all busy thoughts... and still the excitement in their hearts... then wait patiently... for her to call them... one by one... to her bedside...

Attending to all thirteen... of her new co-patient friends... one by one... only one of whom she knew... as a co-worker... from the time she had briefly worked... at the Swiss Consulate... soon after arriving in Johannesburg... from Zurich... Switzerland... some ten years earlier... she could Feel... the Power of God... Flowing through her long fingers... as with her eyes closed... she lay her tubed hands on them...!

And despite the fact... that she was lying flat... on her back... much too weak... to be able to even sit up... while the poison... was loudly drip... drip... dripping... out of her body... through a tube... inserted into her diseased kidney... into a bucket... on the floor... at the side of her hospital bed...!

After the last patient... had Received the Wonderful Blessing... of Healing... Through the Holy Grace from God... through her... as His most willing Channel... suddenly feeling exhausted... she fell into a deep sleep... with no idea... that this last... most unusual Healing Session... was to be her last... for a good many years...!

Chapter 24
Right After This Soul's Obedience... To Her Heavenly Father... To Be His Willing Channel... For The Healing Of Another Thirteen... Of His Chosen Souls... She Is Extremely Blessed... To Finally Be Led... Straight To Longed For... Elusive SUBUD... By Her Life-long Guardian Angel Friend...!

When Graziella awoke... she noticed that the atmosphere around her... was pitch dark... and very... very quiet...!

And then her Guardian Angel Friend... Whose Voice... she had periodically Heard... in her right ear... over the years... to Warn her... but Whom she had not Seen... since she was a day short of her fifth birthday... when He Miraculously Rescued her... from her Chinese kidnappers... Flying her home safely... Cradled in His Powerful Wings... when she lived in Japan... suddenly Appeared to her... once again...!

Only this time... instead of bound and gagged... in a terrifying... pitch black... dank cellar... it was at the foot... of her hospital bed...!

She was still lying... flat on her back... feeling very weak... and all the tubes... were still inserted in her body... so it must have been very late at night... after that morning's long Healing Session...

And now... lying ill... in her bed... and feeling very weak... in the General Hospital Ward... in Johannesburg... her Guardian Angel Friend... Was Commanding her... To Sit Up... And Rip All The Six Tubes... Out Of Her Body...!

And trusting Him... before her courage failed her... she obeyed His Command... realizing... as she pulled all the tubes... out of her body... that He Was Giving her the familiar... Superhuman Strength... she needed... to do so...!

And suddenly... and Miraculously... all Healed... without spilling a single drop of blood... her Savior Guardian Angel... who now looked... like an ordinary... handsome man... immaculately dressed... in a snow white suit... although there was a beautiful Radiance about Him... Bid Her To Get Up... And Get Dressed...!

And obeying... as she dressed herself... in the bathroom... she marveled at how her physical strength... had been Miraculously Restored to her...!

Then... Taking Her By Her Hand... Her Lifelong... Guardian Angel Friend... Steered Her... Out Of The Hospital... The Two Of Them... Striding Right By Doctors... And Nurses... Unnoticed... As If They Had Become Invisible...! With Graziella At Now Five Foot Eleven... And Her Guardian Angel... Even Much Taller...!

And when they walked together... through the hospital doors... Graziella was amazed to see... that it was bright sunlight outside...!

And as they stood together... with her wondering... what to do next... she looked up... squinting... at her handsome Escort... barely able to see Him... because the combination... of His snow white suit... and the bright sunlight... were blinding her...!

But then she managed to see His Arm Go up... Pointing to a little corner tearoom... across the street... which she had never noticed before... in all the eleven times... she had been hospitalized there... for D and C's... and kidney infections... over the years...!

And when she turned back... to thank Him... fervently... for yet another Miraculous Deliverance... before she could... she saw Her faithful Friend... Having Completed His Divine Mission... Vanish... right before her eyes...!

How she Was Led... in the right direction... to SUBUD... via The Insurance Company of North America... in the Magical Tearoom... which Vanished... right after she left it... Accompanied by an Angel of God... is more fully told... in her Spiritual Odyssey... "From Seven Hells... To Seventh Heaven... SUBUD..." ... as indicated... in the Table of Contents... here on the Holy Website... SUBUD Stories...!

The Insurance Company of North America... situated way out in the industrial district... on the very outskirts... of Johannesburg... where "SUBUD..." ... would practically... fall into her lap...!

And not only... fall into her lap... but give her the added... wonderful bonus... of being reunited... with her beloved soul mate... Richard... for whom she had deliberately reincarnated herself... right after drowning herself... having "lost face"... because of his gross betrayal of her... as her Englishman betrothed... with her younger... beautiful... little "itoko" (cousin)... in their former Japanese incarnation...!

And who would be the one... who... in owing her his life... in return... Was... instead... Chosen by Almighty God... to make amends... by being His channel... to "Open..." ... and "Awaken..." ... her aching Inner self... into the Miraculous Glory of SUBUD... when she was almost thirty-one...!!!

But that Incredibly Blessed Event... leading her to Seventh Heaven... SUBUD... is more fully detailed... on this Holy Website... "SUBUD Stories..." ... under Part IX... "Return To South Africa...!" ... and "The Poignant Saga.. Of Richard And Grazia...!" ... as indicated... under the Chapter Headings... in the Table of Contents... of her Spiritual Odyssey... "From Seven Hells... To Seventh Heaven... SUBUD..."

Chapter 25
Now... Even At The Ripe Old Age Of Seventy-Nine...This Trying To Be Humble To God Soul... Is To Offer Her Divine Healing Services... To Those Of Her Physically Afflicted... Kindred Brothers And Sisters... From All Over The World... Specially Chosen By Her Heavenly Father... Allah Almighty God...To Be Miraculously Healed Through Her... Once More...!

As this humble to God soul... as Muftiah... was re-editing this work... for the very last time... during the dawn hours of Friday... February 27th 2009... at 4.28 a.m... that date being her mother's birthday - may her soul Live Gloriously... in the Eternal Paradise of SUBUD Heaven - she was suddenly Reminded... by her Heavenly Father... Allah Almighty God... that she still has the Gift of Divine Healing...!

And today... during the dawn hours of 4.02 a.m. of June 22nd 2009... being the birth date of her beloved Spiritual Father... Bapak... and about two months... past her seventy-ninth birthday... while continuing to re-edit her work... she is Receiving Guidance... from Allah Almighty God... that she is to offer her services of Divine Healing... once again... to any physically afflicted soul... who is Blessed... to be Guided by the Angels of God... to click onto this Holy Website... "SUBUD Stories..." as well as onto "Miracolo"... as shown below...!

And that her services... for Divine Healing... through the Power of Almighty God... whether by the laying on of her Blessed by Him hands... or by Absent Healing... through personal correspondence... are not to be charged for...

And if they are satisfied... with the results... of her Spiritual Services... in providing their physical Healing... solely through the Power of Almighty God... then they may further donate... whatever amount they feel to...

She is also to offer her services... as a Spiritual Advisor... as after some forty-eight years.. of living the SUBUD Way of Life... she is able to Receive Spiritual Guidance... individually... for each suffering soul... who seeks help... if it is the Will of Allah Almighty God... for him or her... to be relieved... of their anxiety... or fears... etc.... during these violent... ever increasing chaotic... uncertain times...

Of course... should the suffering soul... prefer to have a one-on-one... direct contact with her... in person... then she would have to have her travelling expenses paid for... by the supplicant...

An Angel of God... once Told this soul... that she would always Receive Spiritual Guidance... of "The Excellent Solution..." ... and "The Perfect Condition..."

So... "The Excellent Solution.." ... and "The Perfect Condition..." ... through the Power of her Heavenly Father... The One Allah Almighty God... are what she is now to offer... to suffering mankind... all over the world... Insha Allah... (God Willing...)

Are you happy...? Are you living a life of Inner Peace... Grace... and Harmony... with all those around you...?

If you are not... contact your Inwardly loving... compassionate and understanding... kindred in Spirit... sister Muftiah...

Use this easy form to contact Muftiah...

End Part III - 25 Chapters

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