CHAPTER ONE

ON BOARD THE MS "TJISADANE…"!

The day of our departure… on the third day of December… dawned… and I saw that… for a change… it was bleak and blustery… outside my hotel window…

I had lain awake all night… much too excited to sleep... To think that the day had finally come… when I myself… would be sailing away on a ship… to parts unknown… was very hard for me to believe... I kept pinching my arm black and blue… to reassure myself… that it was not all a wonderful… exciting dream... but really true...

At long last… instead of always being the one left behind... who… with a forced smile… waved "Bon Voyage" … to Papa and Xenia… from the Yokohama pier… as the band played a rousing "Anchors Aweigh"... which always brought tears to my eyes… and a lump to my throat… as… eaten up with envy… and with a heavy heart… I watched them getting smaller and smaller... as they stood waving to their three children… at the ship’s railing… aboard one of the majestic… pristine white… "Empress" ocean liners… amidst all the gaily colored streamers... destined for some exotic… fascinating place… far… far away...

Seeing them off… always made me choke up with an aching longing... wishing that I could stay on board... sail off with them… to the balmy Hawaiian Islands... or the tropical Philippines... enchanted places… that I had only heard... read... and daydreamed about... and never seen with my own eyes… which I was certain would have been full of awed wonder... as they gazed upon fresh… intriguing sights...

How well I remember Papa…describing the splendor of San Francisco… his most favorite city... telling me all about the natural… beautiful formation… of her picturesque bay... and especially her magnificent Golden Gate Bridge... so named because… when the sun set… its orange-red rays… casting its fire on the bridge… would make it light up… in a warm… golden glow...

How I had loved to hear the unique rendering… of the happy… catchy song… "San Francisco"… beautifully sung… by one of my favorite singers of all time… beautiful Jeanette MacDonald… in the movie of the same name… co-starring the King… devilishly handsome Clark Gable… who played the part of a notorious dance hall owner… and endearing Spencer Tracy… as a sympathetic… mild-mannered Catholic priest... (#203 of the Little Cilandak Video Library…)

The movie was all about the Great San Francisco Earthquake of 1906… which had destroyed the original sprawling… cosmopolitan city of corruption and greed - gateway to the Golden West of California… in the olden days… where thousands upon thousands of hopefuls… from all walks of life... dreaming their dreams of untold wealth... with dollar signs… in their shining eyes... had come to search for that most precious of all elusive elements... that ever brightly glowing… untarnishable metal… called: GOLD...

How I longed to see that "naughty" cosmopolitan metropolis… incongruously named after the Italian saint… "Francis of Assisi"… steeped in fascinating history… with its colorful… decadent past... explore its mysterious district… called "China Town"... (Little did I know then… that… some forty-four years later… I myself… would actually be writing this book in… of all places… Daly City… a few miles from San Francisco… in a top floor apartment… on a hill… from whose French windows… on a clear day… I would have an unobstructed view… of the famous Golden Gate Bridge…!)

Now in Shanghai… the hours seemed to drag by - getting packed and ready after breakfast… had seemed to take hardly any time at all - and I wished that Xenia would hurry up… and come back from her last minute appointment with her oculist...

I was so worried… that we might miss the boat… that I made a perfect nuisance of myself… exasperating Prima and Remo… not to mention the hotel staff... between running pell-mell into them… as I made the hundredth dash for the front doors...

Anxiously peering into every taxi window… depositing their fares... I was ever in the hope of seeing the familiar faces of Papa and Xenia… returning to the hotel...

And then dashing back to their suite... fearing that I might have missed their arrival… while I was travelling up... or down... in the adjacent lift...

And oh God... perhaps they had already even left... forgetting to take insignificnt me with them...! I was working myself up… into a terrible tizzy...

But I need not have worried... for Papa and Xenia did come back... In fact… we bumped into each other… just as I was about to go down in the lift… to investigate… for the umpteenth time... And as we came face to face… I could see that they were panting… and out of breath...

And when Xenia took an interminably long time… packing the last of their suitcases… insisting that she go back to their suite… to check one last time... convinced that she had left something behind in their bathroom... Papa had become uncustomarily… extremely exasperated with her... and finally literally pushed her forcefully… through the hotel doors... impatiently urging her to get a move on...

As things turned out… we barely had time to get to the Shanghai pier… in the Cook's Tours limousine… after hasty emotional goodbyes… to the wonderful… International hotel staff of Cathay Mansions…

From the French Maitre'd… (with no idea… whatsoever… that in 22 years time… I would be enduring a hellish… three year marriage… to a Frenchman… who was a Maitre’d/Manager… of several hotels…!)… to the Hungarian receptionist...

Each and every one of them… had made us feel so welcome… during our three week… "home away from home"... little realizing… that in just a few days time… they would be losing their freedom... and it would go much worse… for the Eurasians… who most likely… would be hauled off to suffer torture... starvation... and even death... in the infamous internment camps… of the Japanese military forces..!

I remember the breathless… eager excitement I felt… as I walked up the gangway… of the Dutch ocean liner "Tjisadane"… in the broad light of day... somewhat disappointed… that she was not pristine white… but greyish… and also wondering… why she had only one funnel... when the "Empress" ocean liners… had at least three...

I would like to mention here… that I am most beholden… to the graciousness of Cornelia T. Neal… and Joep Jurgens… Counselor for Transportation of the Royal Netherlands Embassy Office… in Washington D.C. … and Messrs R. de Bruijn… and Drs J. vd. Boom… of the Dutch Directoraat-Generaal Scheepvaart en Maritieme Zaken… and J.H. Ritsema… of the Dutch Maritime Museum Information Department… in Rotterdam… Holland…

Most grateful to them all… for their kind assistance… in sending me relevant information… and even photocopy pictures… of the two Dutch ships… the MS “Tjisadane” … and the “Klipfontein”… both of which were most important to me… and my family… during our perilous ocean voyage… from East to West… during the war… so that I can describe them more fully here…

Both of the Dutch twin sister ships… MS “Tjinegara” and “MS “Tjisadane”… were built identically… Their tonnage was 9,284 gross… 9,607 d.w.; their dimensions measured 458 by 62 ft. … boasting a 29-ft. draught... Their engines were Sulzer type diesels, single screw; service speed ranged 14 knots… and they had accommodation for 36 First Class… and 424 other Classes passengers...

(The above information… together with photocopies of the relevant ocean liners… the “Tjisadane…” and the “Klipfontein…” … including her tragic sinking… off the coast of Africa… in early 1953… the heartbreaking sight of which… in a newsreel… at His Majesty’s Theater… in Johannesburg… South Africa… inspired me to begin writing this book… was graciously supplied… by Mr J.H. Ritsema… of the Maritime Museum of Rotterdam… to whom I am also most appreciative…)

Nevertheless… thinking what a marked contrast this embarkation… on an oceangoing vessel was… from that nightmarish crossing… in pitch black darkness... being tossed aboard the dirty… smelly Chinese junk… only three weeks ago...

"This time it will be different"… I thought to myself with glee... "This time I... me... Graziella... myself... will actually... in reality... be sailing on a big ship… and on an ocean liner… no less... instead of being left behind... and it will be an exciting sea voyage… that I will be able to recall… throughout the rest of my life...!"

Actually… I had already sailed twice… on an ocean liner… the first time… when I was but a few months old… from Genoa… Italy… where I was born… to Peking… China… where Papa… Mummie and I… lived together… for almost two years… then from China to Japan… both voyages of which… being far too young… I had no recollection of… whatsoever… so to my mind… they did not really count...

At long last… it was I… “dumb cluck” Graziella… that was really and truly… on board a ship… to stay... actually standing at its railing... looking down… and waving at all the smiling well-wishers… way down below on the dock... And there was such a huge grin of happiness… and pleasure… splitting my face… from ear to ear... that my jaws were aching...

I felt so exhilarated… that I almost peed in my pants... Now it was finally my turn… to throw the brightly colored streamers… as the band rousingly struck up its deafening music... I was a teeny weeny bit disappointed… though… that they were not playing the emotionally stirring… "Anchors Aweigh"… but some unfamiliar… "oom-pah-pah... oom-pah-pah..." polka...

It was such a relief to feel free... free as a bird... which made me realize that… except for my sojourn… into the city of Shanghai… in the early part of our stay - that memorable morning… when I had come across poor old Mr. Ruetli… lying helpless on the pavement… at the mercy of highly excited… vengeful… superstitious Chinamen… and Xenia's boisterous Russian birthday party… a few weeks ago... I had been cooped up in the Cathay Mansions… for practically the past month…

As we sailed away... out into the East China Sea... my only regret… was that I would carry within me… very few geographical memories… of our short stay in fascinating… Cosmopolitan Shanghai… one of the last bastions of the Far East...

Apart from my one-time solitary foray… into the back alleys of the city... and yesterday's cautious… short tour… our time mostly taken up with hectic… last minute shopping... there had been no real sight-seeing… to speak of...

I only knew that Shanghai was an intriguing… Cosmopolitan mixture… of people… from all over the world...

In contrast to seeing a large number of International children… as at the ISY… I had now experienced observing… for the first time in my life… crowds and crowds… of International adults… walking down the wide boulevards… of the enigmatic… teeming metropolis… with its elaborate European influence… in architecture… much of it Greek… an intriguing city… which seemed to hold many secrets...

I regret that I never got to visit… the mysterious Quarters… that everybody whispered about… reminding me of the lly romantic Casbah of Algiers… and Charles Boyer… Xenia's favorite movie star... and who… ironically… my future hotelier husband… was a splitting image of…! Sorry to say… the inevitable rescue of old Mr. Ruetli… had put a stop to that part of my plans for that day...

Maybe all to the well and good… for I had heard stories… about people disappearing… and never being seen again… once they had entered the infamous Quarters...! Who knows… perhaps Mr. Ruetli had inadvertently saved my life… as well… by falling down when he did - an interesting thought...!

Xenia… having lived in Shanghai… for many years… had told me all about the large… well-established Russian Community of émigrés… who had fled to China… during the Bolshevik uprising… and consequent revolution… some of whom I had met at Xenia's sister's house… at her birthday party...

They had built their own church… in Shanghai… where they worshipped God… according to their own Russian Orthodox religion… and had their own school… to educate their children in… making sure that… even though they would probably never be able to return to Mother Russia… as long as it was ruled by a Communist government... nevertheless… they would make certain… that their children… never forgot their mother tongue… nor their proud heritage… and history...

Here are two reproductions… of the MS “Tjisadane…” … as kindly supplied… by the abovementioned Dutch Maritime people… so that the reader can get a better idea… of what the ship looked like… when she was in her glory… and when she was attacked… by two Japanese airplanes… near Okinawa… shortly after she deposited us safely… in Surabaya… Java…!

(FARLAN… PLEASE INSERT HERE… THE PHOTOCOPY OF THE MS “TJISADANE”… INCLUDING THE ONE WHERE IT IS SHOWN… BOMBED BY TWO JAPANESE AIRCRAFT… NEAR OKINAWA… JAPAN!…THANK YOU…)

When I heard the powerful vibrations of the engines starting up… underneath my feet… I knew… with a lurch in my chest… that this was really and truly "it" - I was really and truly… leaving the Orient behind me…

And as the reality of the fact hit me… I felt an almost fearful heartwrenching longing… to have things back the way they were… wishing that I could stay on in my beloved Asia… with nothing changed...!

Part of me was very surprised… at this strong reaction… since I had not given it a single thought… while lying awake the night before…

On the contrary… all I could think of then… bursting with impatient anticipation… was the thrill of experiencing new lands… and their unique cultures… and traditions… in person… at an age… when I was hungry for knowledge… of the outside world… instead of just having to content myself with learning about other cultures… and traditions… through the pages of books...

The one fly in my ointment… was my most unwelcome… Swiss private tutor… resented not for any personal reasons - he was actually a very personable young man - but because of the restricting factor… of being forced to keep my nose buried in text books...

And I prayed with all my might… that I would not have to have my lovely exciting voyage spoiled… by being forced to pore over… for instance… tedious mathematics (my worst subject)… generally having my glorious freedom… interrupted and curtailed… by odious lessons...

As we left the harbor… and sailed out into the East China Sea… all at once… the ship started to pitch and toss… alarmingly… in the suddenly choppy waters... And without any warning… unable to keep my balance… I was all ungainly long monkey arms… and never ending legs... finding myself lying sprawled… out on the deck…!

It was bad enough… that I felt like a perfect idiot... but then… to my horror… I suddenly felt the nausea… rise up in my throat... which made me scramble to my feet… as best I could… barely reaching the railing in time to lean over it… wretching my breakfast overboard - most un-ladylike - making me feel terribly embarrassed… at first... until… upon looking around me… red-faced… I noticed… with great relief… that some of the other passengers… were also throwing up overboard..!

Thanks to my lucky stars… Papa came to my rescue… by grabbing me by the arm... hauling me back up onto my feet... and propelling me towards what I subsequently learned… was quaintly called the "Promenade Deck"...

Only what we were doing… was most certainly not "promenading" along leisurely… by any stretch of the imagination... Quite the contrary… for my helpful pater… was briskly marching me along... around and around...

And as the two of us strode together… in perfect step… with the bracing wind whipping our faces... caught up in the exhilarating sting of the salt sea air... finding ourselves laughing exuberantly... sharing a rare close moment in time... (jealous… possesive Xenia… thank God… was nowhere in sight) … he reassured me with a conspiratorial wink… that circulating around the deck at a quick pace… as the ship circumnavigated its choppy course… was the only way to combat seasickness...

Whenever Papa was stopped… to return some passenger's friendly greeting... an attack of nausea… would immediately make the bile rise up in my throat... And throwing caution to the winds... the sick feeling… giving me the courage to face the possibility… of risking incurring his wrath… at having dared to intrude on grown-ups talking... I would rudely interrupt their conversational pleasantries... insistently tugging at Papa's sleeve... begging him to keep on "circulating" the "Promenade Deck" with me...

All longing… and nostalgia for Japan… was erased from my heart… as I solely and fiercely concentrated… with every ounce of effort… to stand upright on my wonky… wobbly legs... hoping and praying… that I would not be swept overboard...

CHAPTER TWO

YET ANOTHER MIRACULOUS DELIVERANCE…!

...Which had subsequently nearly happened… when… on impulse… I had jauntily stepped out onto the open… unsheltered part of the “Promenade Deck… all by myself… that very afternoon… after lunch... thinking to myself… what a clever way I was using… to escape the unwanted siesta… Papa and Xenia expected me to take... Besides… I was much too keyed up… with the exciting novelty… of being aboard a ship… to sleep…

Totally unprepared… for the sudden onslaught of fierce gales… and stinging salt sea spray in my face... buffeting my body about... as I stepped through the double doors… walking onto the huge open space of the deck... all of a sudden… without warning… I found myself sprawled on my back… once again…!

Then… as the ship rolled… and pitched… and tossed alarmingly... to my horror... my body began to slide across the slippery deck... straight towards a section of open railing… which… to my utter consternation… I suddenly noticed… had a bar missing across it…! So that… except for the handrail on top… about four feet above the deck… there was nothing but an open gap… where a body could easily slip through… and be swept overboard… into the choppy waters way down below…!

Although I tried desperately to scrabble to my feet... my heart pounding with mounting fear... my wrongly shod feet… found no purchase... nobody having cared enough… to see to it… that I wear the proper type of "gripping" shoes… to traverse a highly polished surface… such as this deck obviously was...

So that… while the ship… at the mercy of the angry… gigantic sea... tossed and pitched about… in the choppy waves… like a toy boat... I kept on slipping... and sliding... my body seeming to be making a bee-line… straight for the open… gaping space… situated port side of the ship..!

A fierce wind started howling… around my ears... sounding ominous... and the sky turned dark… and frighteningly eerie... and becoming thoroughly frantic... I looked around for something to grab… and hold on to... but alas… in vain... for there was absolutely nothing that I could see… but a flat… hard… gleaming surface... extending about thirty feet… on each side of my prone body...

Clearly… there was not a single… solitary object available… that would help me get out of my extremely serious predicament...!

Realizing that I was totally cut off from all human contact... feeling thoroughly isolated… and abandoned… in the great big world of sea and sky… all around me... suddenly having the sense of being a tiny… insignificant creature of worthlessness... I began to accept the inevitability of my fate... and said logically and quite calmly to myself…:

"Well… Graziella my dear… it looks like this is the end of the line for you... all your hopes and dreams of seeing the wide… wide world… is coming to an end… right here and now... your yearning… prayed for journey… over all the past years… abruptly cut short…!

And all because of your thoughtless… impulsive stupidity... Fancy that... a simple… brainless little act… of wearing the wrong pair of shoes... not to mention your blatant… willful disobedience... has ultimately decided your fate...!

You still have not learned… that following your willful impulses… always gets you into hot water… and never turns out right…! So I guess you have to finally pay for your stupidity… now… with your life…!

For you are most definitely going to topple overboard... fall into the raging sea below... just waiting to claim hapless you… for its own... your ill-fated body sinking... to disappear in the murky depths… forever and ever... the black bottom of the ocean… to become your cold… lonely grave... And nobody will ever know… that you have drowned… yet again…!"

Only the last time… in your last incarnation… you deliberately drowned yourself… to “save face”… for your betrothed… became enamored of your little younger cousin… Oh yes… I remember all those screaming in Japanese nightmares… when I was little… and Papa taking me to the awful place of doom… where I had drowned myself… to force me to overcome my terror… of what happened there… which he had heard me describe so vividly… in my dreams…”

Since nobody else had been so asinine… as to venture out on deck… in such stormy weather… as yours truly… there would be no witnesses… to my early… solitary demise... And I had a feeling of inevitability… mixed with awe... at the sobering realization… of the very real danger… I was actually in... and about the suddenness… with which death… was again confronting me..!

As I kept on sliding ever closer… and closer… towards the open railing... so did my faith in God's Loving Protection… surge ever stronger and stronger… within my being... with each alarming pitch… toss… and roll of the ship...

Realizing that I was doomed to perish in the sea… just like the old Russian gypsy woman had foretold… just two years ago… when she had read my palm... I became very calm and resigned... and… accepting the fact… that I had deliberately reincarnated myself… into this lifetime… immediately after drowning… in order to be reunited with my beloved… and therefore… possibly interrupted my foreordained destiny… to die by drowning… I willingly surrendered myself… with total trust… and faith… into the Loving Arms of my Heavenly Father… knowing that I Would Be Safely Cradled… to His Breast...

So that by the time… my body was dangling half way… over the side... my fear of falling into the angry depths of the sea… had totally abated...!

In giving myself up completely… into God's Cherished Keeping... I idly happened to notice… that one of my gangly… never-ending "Grazi -l-o-n-g legs" - I believe it was the right one - had somehow managed to wrap itself around one of the railing posts… halting… somewhat… the sliding momentum… of my body...!

But then… as my head lolled over the side... I happened to look down... and a surge of shock… swept through me… freezing me with panic... when I saw the awesome reality… of the raging waters… far down below...

Then a Strange kind of Dizziness… buzzed in my head... Numbing my … for an instant... And then I experienced some kind of Odd… Jarring Awake Feeling... which… in turn… Gave me sudden Superhuman Strength… to Heave my body up... and Manage… with one hand… to Grab Hold of the handrail… above my head..!

Gripping it for dear life... I marvelled to myself… how my Heavenly Father… Almighty God… Had Directed everything… that was happening to me... first the Disorientation... then the Alertness... then the Power… to save myself...! And it became clear to me… that He Was Letting me know… that it was not yet the right time… for me to go back to Him..!

I sat there on the deck… frozen… trembling... with only the roaring of the wind… in my ears... as it howled eerily… and relentlessly… around me... The ship was pitching… and rolling… so hard by now… that I became nauseous again... this time… vomiting my lunch over the side... loath to let go of my life-line railing… even for a split instant...

I screamed for help… at the top of my considerable lungs… using my powerful singing voice... but it stayed trapped inside my throat… by the force of the wind...

And I just sat there... the gloomy thought… crossing my mind… that because of my mindless stupidity… I might be doomed to stay there… sitting sprawled awkwardly… on the deck… for the rest of the sea voyage... chastising myself… over and over... thoroughly disgruntled… for having been so incredibly dumb... Of course… nobody else was on deck… just me… the brainless one - so why… oh why… had I not used simple common sense...? Would I ever learn… not to give in to impulsive behavior… which always turned out so wrongly for me…?

At the same time… I berated myself… I also prayed for a Miracle… terrified that if Papa ever found out… he would most certainly be livid… at my disobedience... not to mention… yet again… disgusted at my stupidity… No doubt… as punishment… even going to the extreme… of forbidding me to ever again… go up on a deck… all alone by myself...

And as I thought these despairing thoughts… I suddenly became aware… that there was a momentary lull... the ship was not pitching and rolling so strongly...

Oh Joy... my prayers were Being Answered...!

Quickly seizing the opportunity… I let go of the railing… and managed somehow… to crawl across the wide expanse of the deck to safety... before the next toss… pitch and roll…

I never told anyone… of how close I had flirted with death… that blustery afternoon… but from then on… kept a very healthy distance… from the ship's railing… even those sections… where all the bars were in place... confining myself… only to the center of the decks… whenever the seas were even slightly rough... and I recognized the signs of that particular… ominous pitching… tossing… and rolling… of the ship… becoming very sensitive… to the slightest change… under my now very aware feet…

CHAPTER THREE

MY SPECIAL SPIRITUAL GRACE… OF LIFE-LONG PROTECTION…!

That frightening experience… made me realize… more than ever before… that a Divine Pattern… had already Been Set in Motion for me… ever since I was a little girl... and that I had Been Greatly Blessed… by Being Given Three Divine Recourses… by my most Revered… and Beloved Heavenly Father…:

The First… when the by now familiar Voice of my Guardian Angel Friend… either Warns me of imminent… impending danger... or literally Saves me… or spontaneously Imparts some Message… for my benefit... by always Whispering… in my right ear...

The Second… wherein I surrender myself totally… to my Creator… in full trust and faith... awaiting whatever He Wills… for me to happen... such as when I experience those frightening… puzzling attacks… of the lurch/hammering of my heart… never occuring… due to physical exertion…!

And the Third… when… should I find myself… in a precarious situation… helpless… and unable to fend for myself… or unable to take control… of my dubious situation… I need but make myself become still… and calm... empty my head… of all disquieting thoughts... and asking within myself… in that ultra quiet state… whether I was indeed… in mortal danger or not… when… invariably… I would hear a calm Voice… in my soul… Reassuring me… that such was not the case...

Thus… throughout this lifetime… I have had… what I truly believe… to be some form of Divine Protection… and Guidance... which has made me rely totally… with complete faith… in Them... ever since I was about four years old… when I made the acquaintance of my Guardian Angel Friend… for the very first time… and then He Revealed Himself to me… on the day before my fifth birthday… Rescuing me… when I was kidnapped by Chinese thugs…

For instance… while I was in the process… of getting raped once… by an overpowering… muscular… young German prisoner-of-war… in England… when I was a tender… sensitive seventeen year old virgin… as I cried out… in terror… to my Heavenly Father… for Help… He Had Sent His Guardian Angel… Down to me… yet again… Who Had Commanded me… in my right ear…:

"LAUGH AT HIM…!”

And I sincerely believe… that by my instant obedience… to His Urging Advice… actual penetration of my body… was Miraculously averted…! Even though I was to suffer a deep sexual trauma… which would last for some 50 years…!

(That harrowing experience… is fully told… in detail… in my Spiritual odyssey… "FROM SEVEN HELLS... TO SEVENTH HEAVEN… SUBUD…")

And once… at a Miami marina - it was about nineteen years ago… when I was in my early forties - when I accidentally slipped on the deck… of my new boyfriend's boat… as we were about to dock... my six foot two inch body plunging... utterly dazed... feet first into the water… six feet below... my Guardian Angel Had again Saved me… from God Knows what terrible disfigurement... or even death... by Commanding me… in my right ear…:

"THROW YOUR HEAD BACK…!"…

at the instant before my chin was about to collide… with the sharp edge of the pier..!

Then there was the time… a few years later… when… being in a hurry… to get to an extremely important SUBUD Meeting and Dinner… at the SUBUD MARIN HOUSE… in California… for which I was late... because I had let the exhausted Regional Helpers… nap as long as possible… in my apartment… in hastily rounding the corner… from my apartment… to rush downstairs... I had accidentally snagged my heel… on the back edge of the top third step… of an outdoor… open-air stairway... tripped on the long skirt I was wearing... and losing my balance... my six foot two body… tipping forward... had fallen… head first… headlong down the steep flight of stairs… towards the cement pavement… about ten feet below...

Knowing that my skull… was certain to be crushed... as I saw myself - all six feet two… and one hundred and thirty pounds - plunging down head first... full tilt towards certain death... realizing that there was only one recourse for me... I had surrendered myself completely… into the Hands of my Heavenly Father… Allah Almighty God... just as on the many times… of my heart palpitation attacks… and on board the "Tjisadane"... and numerous other times… so that I would die… with the awareness… of remembering my Creator... and my abiding love for Him...

But in the split second… before my skull made contact… with the unyielding… hard cement... I distinctly felt a Mysterious "Force" … Gently Twist my body about... so that instead of landing… on the top of my head... as I should have... the forceful impact… crushing my skull... being killed outright... I Miraculously fell on my right forearm… instead..!

However… I did consequently suffer a long-lasting… temporarily crippling… bout of tendonitis... which painful experience… taught me a most valuable lesson…: NEVER… EVER… TO BE IN A HURRY... not for anything... nor for anyone... for the normal pace of the soul… is indeed much slower…

Furthermore… my Guardian Angel’s Warning… and Protecting me… in time… Averted two serious car accidents… from happening - perhaps even resulting in death…!

And by the time I had my third car accident… the worst one… of all… I was already for many years… in the practice of surrendering myself totally… and unconditionally… to The Power of The One Allah Almighty God... throughout my waking… and sleeping hours… and did so instantly… on that occasion… as is automatically normal… when one is following… and practicing the Spiritual Path of SUBUD...

CHAPTER FOUR

A MIRACULOUS DELIVERANCE… FROM MY WORST… FATAL CAR ACCIDENT…!

It happened about thirteen years ago… when… whilst driving through the treacherous… winding mountain roads in Wyoming… in my little green Pinto… in the dawn hours… of an inky black night… in the middle of winter… headed from Denver… Colorado… to California… where we were moving to… my car had suddenly swerved a little… with me having no idea… whatsoever… that it happened… while crossing a bridge...

At the unexpectedness… of the swaying... a spasm of fear… had raced through my body... But then… my car having righted itself... I bravely went on... trying to keep up with my husband… who was racing on ahead of me… in his car… to which a great big Ryder moving van… packed with our belongings… was hooked up to… anxious to find a place to turn off… for our breakfast…

But then… a short while later… as I ignorantly crossed yet another bridge... without warning... my car swerved again... only this time… a little sharper... almost making me lose control… of the steering wheel...

Quite alarmed… my heart lurched down to my toes... and I had to fight the nausea… rising in my throat... But then the car was smoothly on track again... I had managed to drive across the bridge… to the other side... so I doggedly kept on… not wanting to lose sight of my husband's car… speeding on ahead of me...

For some inexplicable reason… I took off the fur hat… I was wearing… at the same time… trying to calm the sudden caterwauling… of our tomcat… Puddy… who heretofore had been quietly sitting in my lap... purring away... happily looking out of the side window... but who… now frightened… was jumping all about... making an awful… raucous fuss...

Driving as I was… in pitch blackness… on a winding… unlit mountain road... there never was any advance warning… that I was about to drive onto a bridge... so that when my car swerved… for the third time... only this time… it was far worse… than the other two times... the frightening sensation… of the sudden… haphazard zigzagging… of the wheels… on the icy surface… underneath my feet… scared the living daylights out of me...

At the same time… there was a sudden increase in traffic on the road... where I noticed a number of huge semi vehicles… roaring by… zooming dangerously close to me... and rocking my little car… alarmingly… their powerful headlights… almost blinding me...

Becoming thoroughly unnerved… and rattled… I shouted out desperately… into the pitch black darkness… to Almighty Allah… and my Guardian Angel…:

"Please… Help me... how am I supposed to go on driving…?

And was shocked to hear a Thunderous Answer… Commanding me…:

"YOU SLOW DOWN..!"

But it was far too late... I no longer had any control of my skidding car...

And as my bumper… collided with the guardrail… across the road… to my left... with a huge crash… and I distinctly felt my little car… begin to tip forward… over its side... the sight of the guardrail… made a dream… of about a month earlier… suddenly flash through my mind... where I was driving my car through the mountains… in pitch black darkness… late at night... then skidding out of control… on an icy bridge... had gone over the guardrail… my car and me in it… plunging thirty feet down below…!

And as we hurtled down... suddenly there was a Heavenly Host of Angels… Surrounding me… and They Were Singing Praises to ALLAH…!

The car was gone... and I was floating in the air... my soul expanding… as never before... filled with overwhelming… blissful love… for my Heavenly Father… my Creator… Allah Almighty God... my Inner Being Widening… with such utter Spiritual Ecstasy... that I could not help but burst out into joyous songs of Praise to Him… joining in with the Singing Angels…:

"ALLAH... ALLAH... ALLAH..."…

over and over again...

And with each Joyful "ALLAH..."… my soul felt lighter and lighter... and wider and wider... the further I gently floated upward… towards my true home… Heaven... all the while Blissfully singing my Praises to Him..!

The reason why I was addressing my Heavenly Father… as Allah… was because it was His Will… when I was 45… and in my 14th year in SUBUD… that I no longer worship Him… as a Christian… but as a Muslim… but only Inwardly… and not with my heart and mind… so that I would learn to become more obedient… and more submissive… and less willful… and impulsive… Commanding me that… henceforth… in His Willed marriage… to one of his more favored sons… Farlan… my life would… from then on… become one of “Inner Life Only… No More Outer Life…!”

There was much more that followed… in my wonderful dream… so that when I awoke… I could only remember the tail end - about an Angel… Intruding into the Wonderful Dream… I was dreaming - quite a common occurrence for me - to Tell me Something… about the fact… that I would soon be moving to California..!

Finding myself again in a situation… over which I had absolutely no control... I had done the only thing I could do… under the very real grave circumstances of… in all probability… death staring me in the face... yet again…!

I surrendered myself… with utter faith… and trust… completely… into the Hands of my Creator… my Heavenly Father… Allah Almighty God...

And as I did so... I felt myself losing consciousness... and just before I completely blacked out... a tiny thought… passed through my mind... about what a pity it was… that my beloved husband… of about four years… Farlan… and I… Were Being separated… so abruptly… from one another...

Sad that there would be no opportunity… for me to thank him… for being such a wonderful… caring husband to me... ask his forgiveness… for the many times… I had exasperated him... because I was not as smart as he… the genius… was… in the brain department… bid each other a proper farewell...

I was also quite certain… that he would blame himself… for my ... and what a terrible burden… it would be for him… and to have on his conscience...

I do recall… coming to… for a brief moment... whoozily noticing… through the totally shattered windshield of my car… that there was a large wheel… above my head...!

And not wanting to have to deal with what that might signify... murmuring…: "I'll puzzle that phenomenon out later...!"… had preferred to sink back… into the soft… blissful state… of surrendering myself to my Creator… the One Allah Almighty God… once again... Who Simply… And Mercifully… Put me back into Blissful unconsciousness… again..!

When I came to… the second time… I found myself… in pitch black darkness… sitting upright… in the driver's seat… with my hands still gripping the steering wheel... and I quite naturally believed… that I had died… and gone to Heaven...!

And although I was still sitting in my car… vaguely noticing that there was a lot of blood... and a lot of glass… everywhere... around me… as it started to get light… outside my window… I felt very alert...!

About to step out of my car... I was stopped… by hearing the Voice of my Guardian Angel Commanding me… in my right ear…:

"DO NOT MOVE... SIT PERFECTLY STILL..!"

After the longest time of waiting… during which time I was delighted to notice… that Puddy was still also in the car... now calmly sitting perched… on top of the back seat... and therefore… must also be in Heaven with me... I suddenly heard an unfamiliar… Disembodied Male Voice… in the darkness… outside my car window… Who Calmly Said…:

"THE BRIDGE GOT YOU…!"

Then there was silence... and there were no footsteps… either before… or after He spoke to me...!

So… I simply waited patiently... believing that He was an Angel… and that another Angel… would Come by shortly… to Instruct me what to do next... Direct me where to go…

Then… continuing to sit perfectly still... heeding my Guardian Angel's Advice... after a long while… it seemed… I did hear footsteps... and they were pounding towards me...!

And then I heard the voice of my beloved husband… Farlan… crying out in anguish… as he saw the shocking sight of his beloved wife… with her head all covered in blood… and bloody bits of glass… all over her body…:

"OH MY GOD... WHAT HAVE I DONE…?!

Seeing my husband's stricken face... instantly wanting to reassure him... I gave him a bright smile... and calmly told him… that except for a feeling of enormous pressure… in my head… I was perfectly all right...

But he was not convinced... believing that the alertness… and well-being… I was exhibiting… was simply a moment of lucidity... a momentary precursor… before death... for he had been witness to such instances… in many patients before… when he had worked at a hospital... as an orderly…

Expecting me to expire any moment... he kept begging me… over and over… to please forgive him... paying no heed to my response… that there was absolutely nothing to forgive...

And no amount of reassurance from me… could convince him… that I was not at death's door... not even when the paramedics… finally arrived… to gingerly extricate me from the wreckage… and cart me off… to the nearest hospital...

Upon seeing my husband… I of course realized… that I had not died… and returned to my home in Heaven… after all... but was still alive and... well… - not exactly kicking - on earth...

Apparently… while my husband was speeding on ahead… in search of a place… to turn off for breakfast… he suddenly noticed… that the little green Pinto… which he knew his wife loved… but every time he saw… innocently parked outside our apartment… in Aurora… when he came home from work… he would get an overwhelming feeling… to get rid of… was no longer behind him...!

Being also "Opened" in SUBUD… he stilled himself... surrendering to God… and asked whether his wife Muftiah… was all right… and to his consternation… and great shock… Heard the Single… Roaring Word of Command…:

"RUN...!"…

just as he noticed a large vehicle… in his mirror… gaining up on him...

Immediately stopping his car… he got out… and flagging down the driver… of the huge semi eighteen-wheeler… enquired whether he had happened to see a little green Pinto... on the road… behind him…

Whereupon the man filled him in… telling him how he had overheard… on his C.B. radio… two truckers discussing witnessing an accident… where such a car had been seen… swerving on a bridge... hitting the guardrail... tipping over... and plunging down a thirty foot drop..!

Then... and only then... did my husband obey his Inner Command... and "RUN"..!

The injuries I sustained… were a deep gash in my skull… where the roof of my car… had caved in… in the shape of a "V"… pinning me to my seat... quite an enormous… perfectly round black eye... a permanent crook… in my left little pinkie… and a dose of whiplash...

My five-inch long head wound… on the upper left side of my scalp… requiring two painful sets of stitches… at a brand new hospital… in a mining town… called Sweetwater… where I was the very first outpatient... healed nicely... although the doctor said… that if the gash had been a millimeter deeper… it would have killed me... for my brain was exposed..!

It was a good thing… that I had taken off my fur hat… otherwise the damage to my head… would have been much worse... the long gash in my skull… contaminated by the dirt and bacteria… in the fur..!

Both the paramedics and doctor… were amazed… that I wasn't in shock… but extremely alert… for the nasty head injury… I had suffered..!

When the young doctor… briskly sat me down… to sew up my gaping head wound… a little put out… that he had been summoned… so early in the morning… I immediately surrendered myself… to my Creator… Allah Almighty God… and with each painful stitch of the doctor’s… the word “ALLAH…” … Spontaneously… and Reverently… Erupted Loudly… out of my mouth…!

And when he heard me… his whole brisk demeanor changed… and he softened… and giving me a very warm… gentle smile… he begged me to forgive him… for having to hurt me… just as Farlan… who was witnessing the whole procedure… suddenly turned green… and had to rush away… to vomit…

The nice change… in the doctor’s manner… gave me the courage… to demurely mention… that my bottom hurt... which alarmed him… and quickly made him suggest… that I remove my slacks… so that he could have a look...

And as soon as I removed them… a huge shower of glass… rained down… around my feet… from inside them…!

This amazing… mind-boggling sight… made him suggest… that I remove the rest of my clothing… so that he could examine my body for cuts… as well...

But although a hundred and thirty pounds of me… had been sitting… on sharp splinters of glass… for over an hour... not a single one of them… had lacerated my bottom... not even by a single sliver... nor any other part of my body..!!!

MIRACLE that my body was unscathed…? Oh yes… I believe so… most certainly...

As I was carefully attended to… by a young male nurse… later on… after all the X-rays… had been taken… as he gently removed slivers of windshield glass… from my face… with tweezers... in one hand… and a magnifying glass… in the other… he exclaimed… his voice full of awe… that my Guardian Angel… Must Have Been Sitting on my shoulder... for there were tiny bits of glass… embedded all over my face... but not a single one… had penetrated my skin enough… to draw any blood..!

Furthermore… that there were tiny slivers of glass… nestled in my eyelashes... that could have easily pierced my eyes... blinding me… but Miraculously hadn't…!

When the policeman came to the hospital… to interview me… in order to make out his accident report… he had quite an interesting story to tell me… about two truckers… driving their huge semi-transport vehicles… one in front of my car… and the other behind me...

Apparently… the driver behind me… noticed… in the glare of his headlights… a little green Pinto… suddenly swerving dangerously… on the slippery… icy bridge... hitting the guardrail... tipping over... then vanishing out of sight… into thin air..!

Becoming alarmed… for he knew that particular bridge… to have a very steep drop… travelling that mountain route… frequently... he radioed his friend ahead of him… on his C.B. unit… to tell him about what he had just witnessed... suggesting that they stop… and see whether they could be of assistance… do anything to help rescue the driver… at least...

Whereupon his friend commented… that there would not be much likelihood… of finding the driver of the car still alive… not when the car had plunged down… thirty feet below...

But wanting to be good Samaritans… and do the decent thing… (and maybe even feeling guilty… about how they had driven too close to my car… with the intention of rattling me…) … they decided… between them… to stop and investigate...

And… as the first driver… walked back to his friend's vehicle… to his utter amazement… he noticed that the car his buddy had seen… going down over the guardrail… had somehow become wedged… in the middle of his own vehicle… in the wheel well…!

Not only that mind-boggling… puzzling fact… but that unaware… he must have driven at least a quarter of a mile... dragging it… sticking out… along with him…!

Now… you may well ask yourself… number one… how on earth… my car managed to land… stuck in the wheel well… of a semi eighteen-wheeler... when I distinctly felt it tip over the guardrail… and it had been seen… by the second driver… tipping over the guardrail… as well… and disappearing..!!!???

And number two… how the driver behind it… could not see its wedged rear end… sticking out..!!! MIRACULOUS..? Oh yes indeed… I do most certainly believe so...

I firmly believe… that while I lay unconscious... hurtling down in my car… over the guardrail... some Angels… Sent down by God… Came by... Lifted up my car... and Deposited it… in the middle of that one trucker's vehicle... Keeping it invisible… to the driver behind it… until the appropriate moment… when it was Meant to be discovered… so that they could very carefully extricate it… together…!

Thus… through the timely Intervention… of God’s Heavenly Angels… my life was saved… yet again… from certain death..!

The handsome young policeman… commented that I must be a devout Christian lady… for in examining the wreckage of my car… totally unsalvageable… he concluded… that only a Miracle… could have saved my life...!

And I smiled secretly to myself… in agreement… not thinking it necessary… to correct his natural assumption… that I was a Christian... for there is no monopoly… on Miraculous Deliverances... they can happen to anyone… whether Christian… or Muslim… or any other religious denomination... or even to somebody… with no religious beliefs...

For all one needs to do… is believe in God… and His Host of Angels... and that Miracles… Do Indeed Happen... believe it with all one's mind… heart… body and soul... one's entire being... In fact… I have come to the point today… where I truly only believe in Miracles..!

The only permanent reminder… of my Miraculous… Divine Deliverance… from that incredible… fatal car accident… after X-rays were taken… to see whether I had any broken bones… is my left little pinkie finger… which has a slight… permanent bend in it… at the tip… because of the fact… that all throughout the harrowing experience… I never took my hands off the steering wheel...!

Later on… as I lay recuperating… in a very cozy… brand new mountain motel… for about a week… I wondered to myself… why the semi truckers… after carefully removing my wrecked car… from the wheel well… with an unconscious me… and my cat… inside it… had been so uncaring… as to just leave me there… all alone… on a high mountain road… in the middle of the night… and driven off…!

And I finally came to the conclusion… that the “friends”… who had caught up with me… that they told the policeman about… asking them to be so kind… as to summon paramedics for me… on their CB radios… since there were no cell phones… at that time… must have been some Angels… Who Must Have Appeared to them… Dressed in ordinary earthly guise… and a momentarily Materialized car…!

So… as can be seen from the above… I have always surrendered myself totally… and unconditionally… to my Heavenly Father… The One Allah Almighty God... for His Protection... and in doing so… have somehow Miraculously had… not only my life spared... but spared grievous bodily harm… as well... often with my Guardian Angel… Advising me what to do - with actually only some comparatively slight injuries… to my body…!

About thirty-one years ago… in my 14th year in SUBUD… my Heavenly Father and Creator… The One Almighty God… Gave me my last… and eternal name… “Muftiah”… Conveyed to me… through his Beloved son… Bapak… who Was Chosen by Almighty God… to bring the Miracle of SUBUD… into this world…

And shortly after… He Commanded… that I now experience worshipping Him Inwardly… as a Muslim… calling upon His Holy Name… as "Allah"... and no longer as a Christian… calling upon His Holy Name… as "Heavenly Father" … or "Almighty God"...

And unto this very day… some thirty years later… I have been undergoing a life of “Inner Life Only… No More Outer Life…” … Being Trained by Allah Almighty God… to be instantly obedient… to His Will for me... continuing to worship Him Inwardly… as a Muslim... which for me… means being unconditionally surrendered… to Him… at all times…

And ever since my “Inner Life Only…” Phase began… His Command to "Obey Allah"… Rising from my innermost self... involuntarily Erupting… out of my mouth… like a sighing hiccup... has become my daily… and nightly Divine Guidance...

Occurring spontaneously… throughout the hours of the day and night... sometimes every five to ten minutes... sometimes every thirty minutes... sometimes every hour... every single day and night… of my Miraculous SUBUD life...

During which… I am constantly Being Reminded… by my Loving… Merciful Creator… in our very special… One-to-One relationship… making me feel very humble... and aware… that without my wholehearted willingness… to have every moment of my life… Guided… And Directed… by The Divine… Great Holy Life Force… of The One Allah Almighty God... which I constantly Feel Pulsing… inside me… like a Gentle Vibration… I am as if dead... and less than nothing...

And that without "remembering" … to ask for the Divine Protection… of The One Allah Almighty God... before undertaking any action... I cannot expect that action… to be Divinely Protected... nor can I blame Him… if it does not turn out right...

And for the past over 23 years or so… His Regular Command… to "Obey Allah…" … and “Allah Guiding…” … has included… from time to time… the Command…:

"NOW WRITE...!" -

Hence the creation of this book… and its sequel… my Spiritual odyssey… "FROM SEVEN HELLS... TO SEVENTH HEAVEN… SUBUD…” … a great deal of it… chronicling my amazing SUBUD life… a few experiences of which… I have just written about… above… have come into fruition...

Here is an example of many… of how my “Inner Life Only…” is lived…

When all my working in the world… which I had loved… came to an abrupt halt… by the Command of my Creator… I naturally wondered… whether it would also include… no longer Being Allowed… to go to the movies… and dining out… at fine restaurants… the only two things… that my new husband and I enjoyed doing… in common…

And was delighted… to Receive… that those two pleasures… were still Permitted… by Almighty Allah… with one exception… I quickly realized…

Usually… after seeing an interesting movie… I would enjoy discussing the various aspects of it… afterwards… interested to know how my date… or lover… or husband… thought about the quality of the main stars’ acting… the plot… whether it was better than the book… it was made from… etc. etc…

But after the very first movie… my new husband Farlan and I saw together… in my now new “Inner Life Only…” phase… intending to discuss it with him… as usual… eager to hear what his impressions were… because he was so much smarter than I was… as soon as we were back in our car… to my utter amazement… I started to Receive Spontaneous Yawning… an Indication… I learned… very early in my SUBUD life… that would instantly stop… all my thinking…!

The Yawning my head off… with Tears streaming down my cheeks… as usual… Lasted for about five minutes… And when It was over… and I turned to Farlan… to talk about the fascinating movie… we had just seen… together… my mind was a total blank…! And furthermore… I could not even remember… what movie we had just seen together…!

So it was clear… that it was all right to see a movie… but absolutely nothing of it… was allowed to linger… in my thoughts… or in my feelings… afterwards… so that I would always be empty… and still… for Almighty Allah… to Fill me… with the Awareness… of His Great Holy Life Force… and Let me Feel… His Particular Will for me…

CHAPTER FIVE

THE ONE AND ONLY TIME… THIS SOUL DEFIANTLY QUESTIONED HER CONSTANT… SAME DAILY GUIDANCE… LOSING ONE OF HER DEAREST… CLOSEST SUBUD SISTERS… IN THE PROCESS…!

There is only once… when this soul… as Muftiah… became willful… and defiant… and protested… about constantly Being Reminded… to…

“OBEY ALLAH…”!

And it happened… in her ninth SUBUD year… of “Inner Life Only… No More Outer Life…” Training…

She has already shared this shameful episode… with her many SUBUD Brothers and Sisters… all over the SUBUD world… in her first “Open Letter” to them… which she Was Commanded to write… and which her Beloved Bapak… has told her… bears repeating here…

It happened to be in her second year… of being bedridden… with numerous God-Willed Strokes… which another very close SUBUD Sister… her little Japanese Itoko (cousin) … from their previous incarnation… and she had Received about happening… in advance…

And one morning… as Muftiah lay in bed… and Received yet another Spontaneous Reminder… to “Obey Allah…” … instead of accepting her spontaneous Guidance… as usual… she found herself protesting vehemently… that surely she could not possibly disobey Allah… when she was not only confined… to the bedroom of her home… but now even permanently bedridden… and Being also constantly Reminded… that it was her time now… to prepare herself… to leave earth…?

So Almighty Allah… Decided to Teach His willful daughter… yet another valuable… painful Lesson…

A few days later… still Receiving periodically… as usual… to “Obey Allah…” … and “Allah Guiding…” … and other Reminders about dying… Muftiah woke up… with a very strong urge… to get in contact… with her Beloved SUBUD Sister… Lilijana… whom she hadn’t seen… or talked to… in about two years… feeling an overwhelming longing… to hear the sound of her voice…

And since she was Being Trained… to always check with Allah first… before any action… she got quiet… and surrendered herself to Him… and asked whether it was all right for her to telephone her dearest Lilijana… who now lived down in Soquel…

And Received that… “Of Course It Was All Right…” … and after a long silence… … “But Better Not To…”!

A little perplexed… at the mixed Message… she asked again… in case she had not quite understood God’s Reply… but Received the very same Words…

And that is when she became her old willful self… and tossing her head… in defiance… declared that she simply had to talk to Lilijana… and was going to call her up… then and there… and proceeded to dial her number… long distance… in Soquel…!

Well… needless to say… their telephone conversation… was a fiasco… with no real communication… between them… to speak of… and she lost a dear Sister… for good… in the process…!

Oh please forgive your loving SUBUD sister… dearest… sweetest Lilijana…

After Muftiah put the receiver down… she felt very strange… foolish… and off balance… which was a very familiar experience for her… since this is how she Was Made to Feel… by her Creator… whenever she was willful… and she immediately knew… that she had been disobedient… to her Beloved Heavenly Father… Allah Almighty God…

And as the day progressed… the bad feeling about herself… deepened… and intensified… until she became filled with self-loathing… and disgust… at herself… for being so naughtily willful… and defiant… even though it was the very first time… as Muftiah… a Muslim SUBUD name… that Bapak had Received from Almighty Allah… to Give her… and which she was known as… for about nine years now…

By the evening… Muftiah was so full of self-hatred… and self-disgust… that she could not bear for her dearly Beloved husband… Farlan… to see her in that awful state… feeling very … and exposed… and still feeling strange… and foolish… and off balance…

But to make matters worse… when he came home that night… after work… he was very sweet… and exceptionally loving… towards his wife… even insisting… that he stay close to her… even Receiving… to sleep by her side that night… in her bed… in the full knowledge… that Almighty Allah… Had Ended their sexual union… for good… shortly before her first stroke…!

All through the long… endless night… Muftiah lay beside her now in name only husband… in his loving arms… feeling tortured… and wanting nothing more… than to cringe… as far away from him… as she possibly could…

Then… when morning finally… mercifully came… Farlan awoke early… and suddenly Made to appear very angry with his wife… although he felt no actual anger… he turned on her… and brought up unhappy events… of their past… his voice full of contemptuous criticism… and dislike…!

After about an hour of Farlan’s haranguing… Muftiah could take no more… and weeping… she rushed into the bathroom… locking herself in… and sat down on the throne… to quieten herself…

After a little while… a Voice Spoke inside her… Quietly Asking…:

“DO YOU STILL BELIEVE… THAT YOU NO LONGER NEED TO BE REMINDED… TO “OBEY ALLAH…”?

And a flood of remorse… swept through her… and she fell to her knees… sobbing… and wailing so hard… begging Allah’s Forgiveness… as never before… it seemed… that she burst the capillaries… on her face…!

It so happened… that her dear namesake SUBUD Sister… Muftiah… may she be happy… and at peace… in the Glory of her Eternal Afterlife… came the very next day… to worship Allah Almighty God… in the Latihan Kejiwaan of SUBUD… together with her…

And when she saw this Muftiah’s pock-marked face… and she confessed her shameful story to her dear Sister… … she told her… how it had happened to her son once… and how it had taken months to heal… and not to expect her condition… to clear up soon…

But for this Muftiah… the painful Reminder… of her disobedience to Allah… every time she Was Made… to look into a mirror… which was often… only lasted for eight days… and on the ninth morning… when she awoke… her red… angry-looking… pock-marked face… had Miraculously Cleared up… overnight…!

Since that memorable… painful Lesson… I… as Muftiah… for all Glorious Eternity… I have been Told… have never again… questioned… or protested… about Almighty Allah’s Daily… minutely… and hourly… constant Reminders… through Inner Guidance… accepting everything… as something she needs… in order to help her stay 100% submitted… to her Loving… Merciful Creator… surrendering herself patiently… to His Perfect Will for her…

And to this day… at the ripe old age of going on 77… she is still constantly Reminded… daily… and nightly… to “Obey Allah…” and “Allah Guiding…” … and that it is time for her… to prepare herself… to leave earth…

CHAPTER SIX

THE INSIDIOUS BREWING OF WAR… IN THE PACIFIC..!

The seas got worse and worse… over the next few hours… aboard the "Tjisadane"... and all passengers were ordered to stay below decks… and I remember vividly… feeling so seasick... and Xenia forcing me to suck on sour lemons… all night...

And as I lay on my bunk… miserable… and writhing in agony... I remember thinking that this was far worse… than the awful stomach cramps generated… whenever she forced me… to hold in the odious… garlic-and-milk enema concoctions… for an endless thirty minutes at a time...

It had been a dreaded monthly ordeal… that Xenia insisted on… telling me that garlic-and-milk enemas… were supposed to be good… for cleaning out the bowels… and avoiding constipation...

I did not mind the weekly tablespoons of castor oil… on which Prima and Remo always gagged… making faces… but this particular Russian old wives' remedy… and the insistence… that it was only effective… if it was held in for thirty minutes… was sheer … and totally unnecessary… I found out years later...

Countless times Prima… upon hearing my pitiful moaning and groaning... had come to my rescue… banging on the bedroom door… demanding to know what Xenia… whom she loathed and despised… was doing to her little sister… behind the locked door...

Xenia's face would turn as white as a sheet... and she would start to tremble... for she feared her step-daughter's hatred of her... and her towering Leonine rage... And in a quavering voice... she would try to reassure Prima… that she meant her little sister no harm... she was only looking after her health...

And when Prima kept insisting… that Xenia open the door... and pronto... or else... and she meekly complied... trying to open the door just a crack... Prima would push her way in with force...

And seeing me lying doubled up… on the bed... writhing in agony... would send her into such a fury... that she would turn on Xenia… and slap her face… with all the force she had in her... heedless of the fact… that her violent action towards her father’s precious beloved… would surely earn her a subsequent whipping from him… that night...

With the utmost tenderness… Prima would help me to my feet... and gently lead me and my painful… full-to-bursting tummy… to the bathroom… to get rid of all the pungently foul-smelling… garlicy waste matter...

For some reason… I never resisted Xenia's well-meaning ministrations… as painful as they were... understanding that she was sincerely trying to be a good substitute mother... utterly believing in using her tried and true… Russian remedies on me...

However… one of them really worked... For whenever I came down with a fever… she would make me drink a tall glass of piping hot tea… laced with raspberry preserves… insisting that I eat all the berries… at the bottom of the drained glass… as well... and to be sure to bite into the tiny… hard seeds...

Then immediately after I had obediently chewed the last piece of fruit… she would bundle my body up… under smothering… heavy blankets... allowing the fever… to be sweated out of my pores... patiently sitting by my bedside...

And when my red Chinese silk pajamas… were thoroughly soaked... she would swiftly change them... bundling me up under the covers again... repeating the healing process… two or three times… throughout the night...

And by morning… I would be well… my temperature back to normal..! And not even an aspirin… or other drug… had passed my lips... not even once..!

On the following day… as we ventured further southward… the waters… to my enormous relief… suddenly becoming much calmer... gave me the opportunity… to get my sea legs... and I was most grateful… that the awful… dreaded nausea attacks… seemed to be becoming a thing of the past...

Around midmorning… as everyone emerged out onto the Sun Deck… the deck that had almost killed me… to bask in the rays of the pleasant… mild winter sun… after the previous twenty-four hours of blustery… overcast weather… either sitting relaxed in their deck chairs… reading… or leisurely strolling around the Promenade Deck... all of a sudden… somebody spotted… within waving distance… the "Tjinegara"… twin sister ship of the "Tjisadane"..!

Letting out a shout and pointing… he rushed excitedly towards the railing... and soon all the passengers on deck were joining him… caught up in the excitement of his enthusiasm... and they all cheered and waved to her… with big grins on their faces... totally unaware that… within a few days… a terrible tragedy… would strike her unsuspecting bows...

As the carefree lot of passengers of various nationalities… sailed along together… it wasn't long… before they were dropping their attitudes of icy reserve… with quite a number of them… even forming close… steadfast friendships... And I noticed that… to a very large extent… there was general camaraderie… apparent everywhere… on board ship… on this… our second day out at sea...

Naturally… nobody on board had any inkling… that on the day before… the day we sailed away from Shanghai… headed for Singapore… in Malaya… the Government there… had declared a state of emergency..!

I quickly discovered… that my favorite activity… was fast becoming the thrill of walking briskly around the Promenade Deck… enjoying the exhilarating sting of the salt sea spray… in my face... and afterwards… leaning over the railing… at the stern… watching… with fascination… the wake the ship left... just as if it was parting the seas... the sight of it reminding me… that it was like a miniature version of Moses… and the Miraculous Parting of the Red Sea..!

I could never get enough of watching God's awesome Creation…: "The Sea"… and I marvelled at it even more… when that night… for the very first time… I watched the wondrous play of blue-white phosphorescence… flickering in the waters… far down below... What a fascinating sight it was… one I never grew tired of… as the nights wore on...

Two days later… on December 4th… we made our first port of call… since leaving Shanghai… tentatively sailing into Hong Kong Harbor… and were disappointed… that we would be unable to see the magnificent bay of this famous British Colony… off the South China Sea… for as a safety precaution… we were sneaking into its blacked out port… under cover of darkness... not quite knowing… what to expect… for the news on the radio… for the past three days… had been very sketchy… and most confusing... along the lines that…:

"Japanese marauders have been sighted by the British… in Malaya... and by the United States Forces… in the Philippine Islands... General MacArthur fears the worst from the Japanese... We should all be prepared for war..!"

Within minutes of docking… we were boarded by a contingent of British Army officers… smartly turned out in their white tropical uniforms… with shiny gold buttons… exuding a great deal of confident optimism… certain that those "wily… yellow-skinned Japs" …would be swiftly dealt with… as soon as their orders came through… to attack them in force...

Although they could give us no real guarantee… that we would be safe… despite the fact that we were travelling on a neutral ship… nevertheless their very officious presence… and friendly manner… were most reassuring in themselves…

In fact… a budding romance developed… between a young American girl… Barbara… and a British officer… Malcolm - they even got engaged… during the five hours we stayed in dock…!

And all the passengers… anxious to relieve the tension… of the past few days… had hastily organized an engagement party for them… on board..!

And as the lovers danced the night away... lost in the very special world… that only lovers know... tenderly gazing into each other's eyes... oblivious of everybody else around them... watching these two people… so utterly wrapped up in each other... had the magical effect… of making everyone forget… for a few enchanted hours… the terrible travesties… and atrocities… that were surely going on… just over the horizon...

The officers were so confident of vanquishing "those slit-eyed Japs... stopping them dead in their tracks... with our hands tied behind our backs..." … that everybody on board believed them… reminding themselves reassuringly… of the might of the British Empire...

Everybody knew that England… throughout its turbulent history… had conquered many nations… and their people… in her time of glory… and no doubt… the small nation of Japan… would likewise be easily defeated… in battle...

And everybody became convinced… that this insignificant… backward country of islands… would most certainly pose no threat… to the seasoned power… of the British Empire..!

But this time… England had sadly underestimated the cunning… sly… underhandedness of Japan… and her well-prepared Army… Navy… and Air Force… secretly trained by German officers… not to mention her repugnantly over-patriotic… kamikaze (suicide) pilots… and their one-shot planes...

No country but Japan… with her population of one hundred million… could spawn such dedicated men… whose first and foremost loyalty… was to their God-Emperor… Hirohito… Divine ruler of their revered Nippon… Land of the Rising Sun… ever ready… and joyfully eager… to sacrifice their own lives… for their noble cause…:

The honorable protection… and defense… of their beloved Nippon… Land of the Rising Sun... all family members… and other responsibilities of their lives… being considered less than secondary… in their fervent… patriotic zeal...!

CHAPTER SEVEN

A SERIES OF THE MOST SHOCKING WAR NEWS..!

And then on the very next afternoon… after leaving Hong Kong… at about three a.m. … as some people nursed their gigantic hangovers… making an effort to eat some food… as the Rau family… and the rest of the teetotalers… were leisurely eating a late lunch… in the huge Dining Salon... enjoying savoring the excellent cuisine of the ship's imaginitive chefs... blissfully unaware of the turbulence… seething in the oceans… all around us... we were suddenly startled to hear… coming over the loudspeake… for the first time… a loud voice… announcing… in a markedly foreign accent…:

"May I please have your attention... This is your Captain speaking... I am very sorry to have to inform you of the sad news… that Hong Kong is being attacked by Japanese air-raid bombs… and that Shanghai has fallen into the hands of the Japanese military forces..! They have captured the American Garrisons there… and also in Tientsin… China…!"

Everybody gasped at the Captain's shocking news... frozen in shock... some of them as if turned to stone… still holding their forks midway… towards their open mouths... their eyes huge with astonishment... and barely heard his next words… uttered in a heavily drawn out sigh…:

"...I will keep you advised of further developments… as I hear about them..."

The ship was ominously silent… for the rest of the afternoon… with very few people… venturing out on deck... most of them huddled fearfully… in their cabins... anxiously speculating… on what Japan was up to... Why this sudden hostility… especially towards Shanghai… when the Japanese military forces… had been in the city… for so many years… seemingly peacefully coexisting with an overflowing mass of people of all nations…?

Apparently… on November 14th … the government of the United States of America… had ordered the evacuation of their marines from Shanghai… Peking and Tientsin... so that their military bases… at those particular locations… were comparatively easy… for the Japanese to capture..!

The great cosmopolitan city of Shanghai… had been easily conquered… and occupied… by the military might of Imperial Japan… with little resistance…

And digesting the horrible news… for the rest of the afternoon… made everyone on board realize… awed… how fortunate they had been… in getting out of two seaports… just in the nick of time... first Shanghai… and then Hong Kong…!

I felt dreadfully sorry for the ten million souls left behind… and prayed very earnestly for them… and their safety… that night...

Beyond our hull… across the South China Sea... history was in the making... dramatically taking shape... when Japan informed America… that their troop movements in Indo-China… were purely precautionary…!? And… far far away… in another part of the world… history later told us… that on that momentous day… Great Britain was declaring war… on the countries of Finland… Hungary and Rumania..!

On the following day… December 6th… President Roosevelt… alarmed that the Japanese Embassy… had vacated their Washington… D.C. quarters… made a last minute appeal… directly to the Emperor of Japan… for peace...

But there was more shocking news to come... when the Captain made a further announcement… two days later... and this time his voice was ragged with heavy emotion... his Dutch accent… more pronounced than ever before… as he slowly reported…:

"Ladies and gentlemen... it grieves me very… very much... to be the bearer of more sad news... It is my most reluctant duty… to have to inform you that… very early… yesterday morning… Pearl Harbor... in the American Hawaiian Islands... suffered an unprovoked… and unprecedented… surprise Japanese air-raid attack... causing the unprepared Americans… to endure very heavy losses of both ships… and aircraft...

Furthermore… in the dawn hours of this morning… the British Colony of Hong Kong... and the American islands of Guam... and Wake... also suffered further surprise aircraft bomb attacks… by the Japanese… As a result… both America and Britain… have been forced to declare war on Japan..!!"

There was a deathly silence… as his ominous words… reverberated around the vast room... of the Dining Salon… everybody sitting stockstill... in a state of shock… for the longest while… as the import of the Captain's words sank in...

Then there was a clattering of tableware… as some of the passengers sprang to their feet... and started to run pell-mell into each other... utterly panic-stricken... like chickens with their heads chopped off..!

The shattering news… that the Japanese had led a sudden air attack… bombarding Hong Kong Harbor… British army bases… and other strategic installations… within barely TWO DAYS of our departure… from what everyone believed to be a safe… invincible haven... sent a shock wave of gigantic proportions… sweeping throughout the ship… as we all realized how incredible a narrow escape we had had… from becoming sitting ducks… for the hostile Japanese Air Force..!

While all this was going on… the contingent of Swiss people… sitting at other tables… swiveled around in their seats… their eyes anxiously riveted on Theodore Rau... watching to see how he was reacting… to the dreadful news of the Captain… with everyone at his own table… automatically doing the same...

Noticing that all eyes were focussed upon him… he set a most excellent example of calm… by quietly going on with his meal… seemingly unruffled... at least outwardly... although I could have sworn that I saw a glimmer of tears… in his eyes...

And when they all saw their dignified leader… peacefully preoccupied in eating… finishing his lunch… as if nothing had perturbed him... they all turned back to their plates of food… once again... following Papa's example... sighing with relief...

Now thoroughly convinced and reassured... they told themselves that… if Theodore Rau… was not a bit worried… then they had no cause to be...

As a matter of fact… throughout the whole perilous journey… from Far East… to the Far West... whether sailing in dubious… submarine-infested waters... or travelling later by train… overland through German-occupied France... Papa Rau never ever gave the slightest hint… or indication… either by demeanor… or voice… that he was in the least bit worried… or alarmed… about our oftentimes tenuous situations... in the uncertainty of war time... with danger always lurking around corners...

On the contrary… he always gave us the impression… that he was in complete control… beginning from the gruelling… three month ordeal… of daily… insistent interrogation sessions… by the arrogant Miharashibashi police… in their Yokohama headquarters... to the eighteen-hour… intense grilling… by the American official authorities… in Los Angeles... He was truly a remarkable man…

When Barbara heard the devastating news about the bomb attack on Hong Kong… she was inconsolable with grief... her eyes huge with shock... and when she was unable to get through to the port city… by radio - all communications were being intercepted by the Japanese submarines… now swarming in the Pacific - she went to pieces… becoming hysterical... and had to ultimately be sedated by the ship's doctor...

Disconsolately… she retired to her cabin… and for days on end… nobody saw hide nor hair of her… My heart ached with sympathy… for her anguish... She was so beautiful… and I missed seeing her gay… vivacious self… and the charming way she had… of throwing her head back… tossing her thick… shiny… jet black hair… and the way her dark eyes would shine and sparkle... whenever she hit a good score… playing shuffleboard...

And I got such a shock… when I caught a glimpse of her… as we docked in Surabaya… Java… a few days later… on December 12th… to see how quickly… grief and despair… had ravaged her face... aging her into a stooped… dejected… hopeless image… of her former gay… laughing self… the life gone out of her body... and the light… gone out of her eyes... as they stared ahead… unfocussed… out of bleak… hollow sockets...

Captain Burger and his crew… were simply marvelous… in their efforts to calm down the palpable uneasiness… of the passengers… freely mixing with them... charmingly trying to allay their mounting fears... constantly reassuring them that… since hostilities had long ago ceased… between Holland and Germany... and their country… therefore… had no quarrel with the "Third Reich"... she was therefore considered "neutral" … by Japan… and hence they were quite safe… aboard the Dutch ship "Tjisadane"...

Thus the crew prevented some of the passengers… from pulling down the lifeboats… in their mad scramble to escape... but where to…? Where was it safe… anymore...?

We were to learn later that… at 5.35 p.m… on the 8th of December… the British Admiral Phillips… was sailing the "Prince of Wales" … and "Repulse" … and their destroyer escorts… from Singapore… with the intention of intercepting the Japanese forces… thought to be about to land on Singapore… when… in fact… they had already started landing operations… at Khota Bharu… a port on the east coast of Malaya… near the border of Thailand…!

And in the Philippines… the Americans were caught unprepared... and at the same time… the Japanese were already occupying the isthmus of Bataan..!

Meantime… there were more Japanese landings in Malaya and Singora… and in Patina… Thailand..! Furthermore… while our Captain was making his tragic announcement… about Pearl Harbor... the Japanese were already occupying Bangkok..! They also made more landings… at Tarawa and Makin… in the Gilbert Islands..!

And at dawn… of the 10th of December… their units made landfall… on the northern tip of Luzon... in the islands of the Philippines... landing also on the island of Guam… occupying it within a few hours..!

Furthermore… there was the devastating news… that the intrepid "Prince of Wales" and "Repulse" … had been sunk by Japanese bombers… and their submarine torpedos..!

As we were sailing towards Singapore… we were unaware that the Japanese were continuing to batter Hong Kong… the Phillipine airfields… and Subic Bay...

And we had no idea… that three days later… on the 13th of December… while we were touring the fabulous islands of Java… on a sightseeing trip… another drama would unfold... when a Japanese spokesman… landed in Hong Kong… handing the governor… Sir Mark Young… Japan's terms for surrender..!!! And that the British refused… in the confident hope… that General Chiang-Kai-Shek's 7th Army… only thirty miles away… would come to their aid...

As we inched our way… into the darkened port of Singapore… an island country… off the Malay Peninsula… again under cover of darkness… we were fearful… that the evil tentacles of Japan's Imperial Military Forces… had also reached that far… as well... unaware that we were in extreme danger… for the Japanese Imperial Navy and Army… were already zeroing in… on the unsuspecting territory… to occupy the supremely important British base there…!

Captain Burger never realized that… as he sailed towards the harbor city… he could very well have been on a collision course… with the Japanese II fleet… trailing behind him..!

The ships were being commanded by Vice-Admiral Nobatake Kondo… who… at the same time… was escorting to the coast of Thailand and Malaya… a convoy… carrying the Japanese 25th Army… headed by General Tomoyaku Yamashita… whose assignment… was to occupy the Malay Peninsula… and capture the supremely important… British Base of Singapore...!

And… furthermore… that only a few days earlier… at 4.15 a.m… seventeen Japanese bombers… had attacked the port city...!!!

However… nothing untoward happened… during the few hours… we lay to… in the port… except that I was delighted to see the back of Mr. Peters… my would-be tutor… as he jauntily walked down the gangway… with his suitcase… in the dimness… of the blacked out harbor... disembarking for good… having told Papa… earlier that morning… at breakfast… that he had changed his plans… and would not be sailing on with us… after all..! (With all the disquietening… and unsettling news… about the war… hanging in the air… he had never even begun to work out an agenda… for tutoring the youngest daughter of Theodore Rau..!)

Full of the optimism of the young… he was blithely hoping to catch another boat… that would be sailing to the Philippines… a country that had always fascinated him… no end… with its 7,1OO islands… and scattered population of thirty-five million...

For some strange reason… despite the devastating news… he had obviously been hearing about Japan's recent raids… on the Philippines… the thought never occurred to him… that he would… in all likelihood… be walking smack dab… into the Japanese invasion there...!

Papa had made enquiries in Hong Kong… as to the whereabouts of the “Tjinegara"… anxious to catch up with the Dobrowskis... But ever since the surprise attacks… on that port city… and Pearl Harbor… there seemed to be a blanket… over giving out information… on the comings and goings… of ocean going vessels...

He had tried to find out… once again… in Singapore… but to no avail… The lips of the harbormaster's office were sealed… the officials adamantly repeating… that they could not divulge any news… about any passenger liners... neutral or otherwise... and they could not even be bribed…

The noise was deafening to my ears… even though I was way up above them… and I secretly hoped… that they would not be boarding our ship...

But then… to my utter dismay… I watched… with a sinking heart… as they wearily made their way… up our gangway... trying their best… to cope with their hand luggage… and their bawling babies... struggling in their arms…

Observing their progress... I firmly resolved… then and there… to keep a wide berth from them... Except for my baby brother… Hansi… I had never had anything to do with babies… in my life… and if any of those exasperated… dishevelled mothers… thought that they could make free use of me… expect me to baby-sit for them… they were sadly mistaken...

For now that I was rid of Mr. Peters… nobody... not a single… solitary soul... was going to interfere… with my freedom on board...

Fiercely glaring down at the motley horde... I vowed to myself… that absolutely no individual on earth… was going to spoil things for me... no siree...

And then we heard… on the following day… the devastating news… that the Japanese had launched a decisive operation… against the mysteriously exotic seaport… Singapore… within ONE HOUR… of our sailing away… from her lovely harbor...!

Furthermore… that the "impregnable fortress" there… was impregnable… only from the sea… but not by land..!

Also… that Japan had signed a Treaty of Alliance with Thailand... while a Japanese brigade… was entering Burma… across the Kira Isthmus... and were… at the same time… landing hostile forces… at Lagazpi… in Southern Luzon...!

Pondering how we had… once again… narrowly escaped the vicious attack… of the hostile Japanese… only this time… within ONLY ONE MIND-BOGGLING HOUR... I could not help but marvel… even more… at our close calls...

Why… it seemed as if our ship… had become invisible… to the rampaging Japanese... invisible to the swarms of Japanese submarines… and other military watercraft… infesting the sea around us..!

And I could not help but feel… that it seemed as if we were Miraculously trailing the war… behind us..! And what about the sharp-eyed Kamikaze pilots… in the sky…?

How come they could not see us… placidly sailing along… down below… especially when they swooped down so low… to attack..?!

And I idly wondered to myself… whether our obvious safety… had something to do… with all the fervent praying… that I had been doing... and hoped… with all my heart and soul… that our incredible luck… would hold out...

For the rest of the sea voyage… until we safely sailed into the harbor of Surabaya… Java… on December 12th … Captain Burger and his crew - God bless them - did everything in their power… to appease the fears… of the by and large jittery… anxious passengers... continuing to freely mingle… and socialize amongst them...

And whenever they noticed the slightest hint of panic… in their charges... they would immediately reassure them… with a great deal of soothing words... in the quaint Dutch accent of theirs… oozing monumental confidence… by their courteous manners...

Naturally… we did not have a clue… that as we sailed towards Java… opposite the large island of Borneo… a detachment of Indian troops… allied with the Japanese… had already destroyed the oil installations… in Sarawak and Brunei... and that in Burma… the British were evacuating Victoria Point… situated on the Thai border… in the southern part of the country… on the Kra Isthmus...

Out to sea again… I was in for another huge shock… and it happened… on the very next day...

Greatly looking forward… to really enjoying luxuriating on the ship… now that the weather… was becoming balmier… exploring every nook and cranny… to my heart's content… now that the shadow of Mr. Peters… and his tiresome lessons… no longer loomed over me... and eagerly looking forward… to the continuance… of enjoying sumptuous meals… with the grown-ups… in the spacious Dining Salon... the last thing I expected… was what happened at lunch time… on that very next day...

CHAPTER EIGHT

MY HORRENDOUS ORDEAL… WITH ABOUT FIFTY WAR BABIES..!

As I was about to step onto the plush… soft carpet of the Dining Salon… my stomach… as usual… rumbling... craving for food... I was suddenly subjected to a rude jolt… by the head steward… barring my entrance!

And… instead of smiling… and bowing at me… as he usually did… to my utter astonishment… he abruptly stretched out his arm… and placed his hand… in the middle of my scrawny chest… stopping me in my tracks...!

And as I stood there… gaping like an idiot… he haughtily announced…:

"You are no longer allowed to dine here… with the grown-ups...! From now on… you must eat all your meals… in the Children's Dining Room…!"

And spinning my dazed and embarrassed body around… he abruptly tried to propel me out into the hallway… forthwith…!

As I realized… that he was actually forbidding me to go into the Dining Salon… I began to sputter in protest… trying… in vain… to catch Papa's eye... hoping desperately to draw his attention to my plight… hoping that he would come to my aid...

But he was sitting… preoccupied with eating and talking… at our family table… which was at the far end of the crowded… noisy room… much too far away… to notice the sudden commotion… at the doorway...

Turned away… I wondered glumly… what eating in the "Children's Dining Room" … would be like... I knew that I had a huge appetite… having shot up to nearly five feet seven inches… by my present age of eleven years and eight months... and became quite concerned… hoping with all my heart that… having to eat with children… did not mean being served small children's portions… as well...

For they would never satisfy… my enormous hunger… aided and abetted now… by the constant bracing sea air... which enhanced my appetite… enormously…

Having been given directions… to the Children’s Dining Room… I noticed that I was being led further and further down… into the bowels of the ship...! And the further down I trudged... heavy-hearted... the gloomier I became...

But nothing... but absolutely nothing... could have prepared me for the shock… when I unsuspectingly opened the door marked "Children's Dining Room"… and stepped across its threshold...

Almost like a physical blow... my ears were suddenly assailed… by the most deafening noise... And I was startled to see… that the room was full of some of the very same women… I had seen boarding the ship… the night before…!

They were all sitting around a large oval table… set in the middle of the room… and they all held squirming babies… on their laps… some of whose faces… were lobster-red... as they screamed their heads off...

My legs suddenly wobbly... I tried to politely introduce myself… but could not be heard… in the stunning… ear-piercing screeching… and yelling… going on in the comparatively small… dark… plainly furnished room… which… I came to notice… was unpleasantly dank... uncomfortably reminding me of the "Black Hole of China..." on the Chinese junk...!

Gingerly… I sat down at an empty seat… at the corner of the table… between two sweating… exasperated young mothers... trying to hold their screaming… struggling infants… in their arms…

And in bits and pieces of halting… much interrupted… barely audible conversation… I gradually learned that they… numbering about two hundred… were army officers' wives… who had been assembled… in Singapore... and that they had come from all military points… scattered throughout Malaya… just before the sudden… devastating Japanese onslaught… and their unprecedented invasions… around the Pacific rim...

The women had been put on board the "Tjisadane" … for safety… especially those with babies… and I learned that they were an odd mixture of English… Canadian… and Australian women… all in the bloom of youth… and all mothers… for the very first time in their lives..!

They seemed to be very disoriented… and disorganized... tired… hot… and dishevelled... and the majority of them… seemed to be rather coarse… loud-mouthed and vulgar... constantly yelling at their tiny offspring… to "PIPE DOWN...!"

Part of me was repelled by them… filling me with repugnance and shame… to be a member of the same sex… but the better part of me… felt sorry for the pathetic bunch...

They looked so dazed and pitiful… hardly able to cope with their bawling brats... whose squawling antics… made them tense... unable to relax... and they were obviously worried sick… about their uncertain future...

Trying to eat a decent meal in peace… sharing the table… with about fifty babies… of varying ages… at a time… was nigh intolerable...

Not only was their wailing… and their mothers' shouting… nerve-jangling… to my sensitive ears... but to add to the indignity… of being forced to sit at the children's table… in a dark… drab… stiflingly hot room… in the very bowels of the ship… below sea level... I was appalled… to be expected to eat… the very same food… as they did…:

Everything pureed… or mashed... an unappetizing variety of unappealing… unseasoned… … savory and sweet concoctions… from vegetables… to fruit - in short…: baby food…!!!

And not only that… but amid the never-ending cacophony… of bawling and screaming of babies... as their hot… short-tempered… frustrated young mothers yelled... trying to force-feed their infants' mouths… with the revolting-looking pureed mush... I was getting flecks of food… splattered all over me... even in my hair... by very accurately aimed… tiny fingers... or from spluttering mouths… of very determined… refusing-to-eat… side-to-side-shaking… small heads...

The waiter had come and gone… so swiftly... almost throwing the platters of food… on the table... as if fearful of being detained… and trapped in that stifling… noisy room… forever... that I had not had a chance to ask him… to bring me some decent food...

And when I could not stand the protests of screaming… and wailing… any longer... feeling an overwhelming… powerful desire… to throttle the lot of them... I ran from the room… in tears... feeling frustrated… and still ravenously hungry...

I immediately sought out Papa… with the intention of beseeching him… to please get me out of this terrible… nightmarish dilemma… and was utterly crestfallen… to find myself admonished by him... my complaining… abruptly interrupted... without being allowed to finish explaining...

And being told… in simple terms… that now that there were children… of minor age… on board ship… and since he had purchased a half price ticket for me… as a minor… I would have to continue eating all my meals… in the "Children's Dining Room"... since it was only proper and just... scolding me for being so arrogant… as to expect a special exception..!

All my vehement protestations to him… fell on deaf ears… and merely elicited the comment from him… that I should not be so selfish… as to expect him to waste good… hard earned money… by paying the difference… to secure a full-priced fare for me...

And who did I think I was… anyhow? After all… he had never asked for me to be born… but since I had been… I would just have to accept… what he was willing to give me… from the goodness of his heart… and for goodness sake… to stop acting like a child..!

I could hardly believe my ears… Surely Papa could not be classifying me… in the same category… as those awful… yowling babies…? Surely I was the one and only "child" on board… the others were mere infants...? But there was no budging him...

From then on… all the joy of eating… was gone for me… and I dreaded having to enter that second hell hole… my gnawing hunger alone… propelling me onward…

Having to gird… and steel myself… against the daily… harrowing ordeal… of having to endure the uncontrollable… demanding… apoplectic tempers… of red-faced… baby monsters… whose lungs… had an incredible capacity… for prolonged… ear-splitting screaming… and wailing... like sirens... or banshees…

And their food attacks... and their poor… exasperated yelling mothers... with me always inevitably being forced to escape from them... when I could no longer bear the ear-shattering… cacophony of noise... and attacks of mushy food... invariably leaving the table… still terribly hungry...

That unpleasant period… which lasted some five l-o-n-g days... of eternity… making me feel… for the first time in my life… what it was like… to suffer starvation… for hours on end... also caused a lifelong aversion in me… of having to deal… with more than one baby… at a time...

In fact… if the truth were known… I have never been one… to "coochi-coo" over babies… in general… but have either felt a close affinity… for one particular baby… or nothing at all..!

Furthermore… at times… I have even been very aware… of innate malevolence… when I looked into some particular baby's eyes... and even instinctively recognized in some of them… that they were ancient… reincarnated souls… with many sins… inside them..!

Now… because I have some modicum of real understanding… of Spiritual Truth… I know that all those babies… on board the "Tjisadane" … must have been conceived… in raw sexual passion… which resulted in their parents… as they engaged in sexual … attracting souls to them… of low Spiritual content...

Souls that were more strongly governed… by their own selfish desires… and passions… being their lower… coarser selves... than governed by instinctive benevolence… compassion and generosity… being their higher… more noble… human selves..!

There was only one baby… out of the whole screaming… demanding bunch… who seemed to have a comparatively pleasant disposition… smiling… and gurgling away happily... more often than not... at times seeming to look around… in amazement… at his yowling companions... his big brown eyes… wide with wonder...

His mother… who was from Canada… was the only young woman… who seemed to be a class above the rest… and I found her to be quite sympathetic… after a while... We actually became quite chummy… with my paying her visits… sometimes… in her tiny cabin...

By comparison… all the other babies… exhibited nasty traits of selfishness… and impatience... yelling at the top of their incredibly powerful lungs... their annoyance very apparent… if they did not get their own way… instantly...!

Since my young mother… in her early twenties… never treated me… like a baby… but as a responsible person of intelligence… she trained me… from early childhood… to be observant of others… whenever she took me with her… to the Country Club Dance…

And sitting me down… in a quiet corner… while she went off to dance… with yet another… of her many admirers… she would tell me to observe the other peoples’ behavior… sitting at the tables… close by… notice their gestures… and how loud they talked… or laughed…

So that when she came back to the table… we could discuss… together… all the singular mannerisms… I had observed…

And I became very aware… of other people… and their actions… in social contact… with one another… becoming a very keen observer… of those around me… ever since I was little…

To add insult to injury… the early dining hours… did not suit me at all… either - I was used to having my lunch at 1:OO… and dinner at 7:OO… or even 8:OO p.m. - the Second Sitting… and to be expected to eat tiffin… at 12:OO noon… and have my evening meals… at the ungodly hour of 5:OO… from which I always left… still ravenously hungry… anyway… and which kept me awake all night… was a cruel act of fate… to say the least...

For about five interminably l-o-n-g… torturous days… I was forced to endure… three times a day… the daily onslaught of bad-tempered… screeching babies… and their frustrated… yelling mothers... and extremely accurately aimed… flicked splats of mush...

I tried… as stoically as I could… under the patience-demanding circumstances… to bear the cruel blow… that fate had dealt me… allowing my pity… for the poor… exasperated army wives… anxious about being wrenched… from their husbands… as they had so abruptly been... to override my growing anger… and ambivalent feelings… towards my tiny… lethal enemies...

Years later… when I saw the hilarious scene… where Clifton Webb… as Mr. Belvedere… dumped a bowl of porridge… over the baby's head… after getting fed up with his flicking food at him… in the movie "Sitting Pretty"… (#1523 of the Little Cilandak Video Library)… I could have kicked myself… for not having thought of retaliating in the same way… then...

The only tolerable meal for me… was breakfast… consisting of what I had always been used to eating…: a bowl of porridge… two soft-boiled eggs… toast and marmalade… And that was the only meal… that satisfied my hunger… somewhat...

Furthermore… it was a great relief… to find myself the only occupant… in the Childrens Dining Room… for I made sure to get there… as early as possible… before the harrassed… red-faced mothers… and their bawling brats… made their noisy… disorganized… appearance...

But the bland tasting… unseasoned… mashed concoctions… served for lunch and dinner… tasted like cardboard… and I was able to detect… only the very slightest flavor of peas… or carrots… or bananas… etc. … in the unappetizing goo...

All the young mothers… never ate the unappetizing mush… for unable to leave their babies… unattended… they all were allowed Room Service… and ate their decent… grown-up meals… in the privacy… of their cabins…

How I longed to sink my teeth… into "real" food… for a change... dreaming of gnawing… on a juicy steak... or on a chicken leg... or anything… that would require some chewing...

One day… after about two days… the new waiter… who was also frequently a victim of food attacks… himself… took pity on my doleful face…

And as he put a plate of three colorful little piles of mashed food… in front of me…: white for mashed potatoes… green for mashed peas… and orange for pureed carrots... and heard me sighing disconsolately… as I looked down… on the unappetizing mounds… in front of me... he whispered to me…

“If you hurry up… you can run up to the First Class deck… while everyone is having their lunch… and I will pass some real food out to you… if you stand just around the corner… out of sight of the Dining Salon archway... away from the sharp… beady eyes… of the head steward...!”

Thrilled to the bottom of my toes... I did exactly as he suggested… and feeling dreadfully like a thief… scurried off to my hiding place… behind the funnel… to devour the precious chicken leg… he had surreptitiously… and hastily thrust into my hands... in a serviette…

What a sumptuous feast that was - decadently delicious - and I left not a scrap of flesh… on the bone… even eating the white gristle…!

And to this day… I have continued to eat… all the flesh… off the bones of chickens… leaving nothing… but the white meat… which is far too dry… for my narrow throat to swallow...

Which habit of relish… led an Italian maitre'd to remark… years later… in a Swiss restaurant…:

"Dear lady... I have been watching… fascinated… at the tender way… in which you have been eating your chicken... It is as if you are to it..!"

And then on the next day… my brother Remo… came out of the Dining Salon… armed with some cold cuts… in a serviette… and without a word… handed the balled-up… precious little bundle to me… smiling shyly... and walking away quickly… before I had a chance to thank him..!

Then… shortly thereafter… Papa suddenly noticed… during one of our daily… compulsory brisk walks… around the Promenade Deck… that I was getting skinny... and remarked… how come my bones were sticking so far out... wasn't I eating properly…? After all… he was paying good money… for my meals...

And when I dared to tell him... again... stammering fearfully... about how I was being fed mushy baby food… and how thoroughly unsatisfying it was… always leaving me still ravenously hungry… to my utter surprise and delight… he became thoroughly outraged...

Grasping me firmly by the arm… Papa briskly marched me up to Captain Burger… commanding the astounded man… to take a good look… at his daughter… and how emaciated she had become… ever since she had started having her meals in the Children's Dining Room… vigorously shaking my body… for emphasis… until my teeth rattled..!

And without waiting for a reply… he insisted that I be allowed to eat… with the adults… since it must be obvious to anyone… that I was a rapidly growing adolescent… already far too tall… for her age… and needed far more nourishing… and substantial food… than mushy baby pap..!

The captain was taken aback… at first… by this normally calm and collected passenger's vehement outburst… and trying to appease his anger… smiled… and soothingly reassured him… in his warm… curiously accented voice that… since it would not be much longer… before we sailed into Surabaya… he would relent… and promised that I would be able to eat… in the adult Dining Salon… after we docked there…

He stated further… as gently as he could… that since there were other children on board… it would not be fair to them… to make an exception… in my case...!

When I heard his unbelievable words… my senses reeled - surely he could not be lumping me… with all those horrible monster brats... I wanted to scream in his face… that I was the only real child on board...

But then he went on to say… that he was certain that the army wives… would be disembarking… at Surabaya… for good… with orders awaiting their arrival… to stand by for a military transport ship… and that when we were out to sea… once again… en route for the United States of America… he would be more than happy to see to it… that I eat all my meals… at my parents' table... at no extra cost… he added magnanimously…!

Noticing my crestfallen face… he hastily reassured me that… in the meantime… he would see to it personally… that I was served decent food… just like the grown-ups were getting… at all my meal times… promising me earnestly… that there would never again… be a plate of baby mush… put in front of me… ever again...

Feeling reassured… I politely thanked the good captain… for his generosity… my voice warm with gratitude… and took a real good look at him… for the first time… since boarding his ship...

He had a kindly… weather-beaten… tanned face… a strong… straight nose… generous mouth… and twinkling blue eyes… reminding me very much of those of Mr. Zwinkler's… one of my very favorite persons… topped by a head of thick… wavy blond… almost silvery hair...

It was impossible to guess his age… but I liked the way the corners of his eyes crinkled up… making it appear… as if they were actually smiling too… and when he smiled… which was often… and most charmingly… he revealed a set of perfect white teeth...

I could not help but feel an immediate trust… and liking… for this extraordinary man… for whom… no doubt… it could not be easy… to carry such an enormous burden of responsibility… upon his shoulders… for the safety and wellbeing… of so many jittery passengers… of all nationalities… aboard his ship... without showing them a trace of the anxiety… he must surely be feeling… at times...

CHAPTER NINE

"SAYONARA… NIPPON NO RIKU HINODE...!"

On the very next day… as I contentedly lay sprawled in my deck chair after lunch… for once my tummy nice and full with "real" food... not knowing where to put my cursed… never-ending long legs… for some reason feeling… at long last… on the one hand… very safe and sound… aboard the "Tjisadane"... on the other hand… the further away we were getting… from my hitherto beloved Nippon… feeling more and more nostalgic... I realized… with a wrenching in my heart… that I was really and truly saying…:

"Sayonara..."

“Sayonara… to fascinating… mysterious Kamakura… on the beautiful curve of picturesque… Sagami Bay… with your enormous bronze "Butsuda" (Buddha)... up into which I had climbed… many many times… over the years… even up to the very top… happily sitting inside your third eye..."

"Sayonara..." … to beautiful… breathtaking high-in-the-heavens… "Nikko"… meaning "Sunlight"… towering nearly eight thousand five hundred feet… above sea level… the whole pristine mountain a National Park… the tops of which are graced by quaint Japanese inns… surrounded by delicate looking… evergreen pine trees… and wonderful hot-springs sulfur baths... accessible only by cablecar... Where else in the world… but in Japan… could one sit in a steaming hot bath outdoors… and… by stretching out one's hand… touch ice-cold snow...?!”

"Sayonara..." … to Osaka… with your famous amusement park… where I had driven the miniature cars… laughingly "bumping" Papa... and your imposing stone castle… "Osaka no Shiro" - five stories outside… eight inside - towering one hundred and eighty-nine feet high..."

"Sayonara..." … to beautiful Kyoto… described as "Nihon no furusato" (the heart of Japan)… a marvelous treasure of Japanese history… culture and tradition... and for more than a thousand years… from 794 to 1868… the capital of Japan...

Boasting more than two thousand majestic temples and shrines… such as the "Heian Shrine"… with its back garden… of spectacular cherry trees and irises... the "Saiho-ji" (Moss Temple)… reputed to grow one hundred different species of moss… in its beautiful garden... "Ryoanji"… (Temple of the Peaceful Dragon)… famous for its uniquely sculptured rock garden… sitting… by stark contrast… in pure white sand... giving the whole area… an intriguing geometrical design..."

And "Sayonara" … to my favorite temple… called the "Kinkaku-ji" (Golden Pavilion)… because its structure is delicately covered in gold leaf...

And a very special "Sayonara" … to your most beautiful Park Gardens… with their spectacular display of cherry blossoms… blooming all over… in glorious pink and white profusion… the delicate trees kept behind the attractive low fencing… fashioned of arched bamboo slivers… between the snow white pebbled pathways… that crunched under my getas...

In honor of you… I have never set foot inside your famous parks… temples or shrines… clad in European dress… but always decked out… in my best silk kimono outfits… complete with a "nagajuban" (undergarment) … and brocade "obi" (cummerbund)... refusing to converse in any language… but Japanese… all the while I leisurely strolled through your enchanting landmarks… my heart full of awe and admiration… for your exquisite works of art..."

"Sayonara" … to the hustling… bustling… teeming city of Tokyo… with your brightly lit Ginza District… with all its intriguing stores… and restaurants..."

"Sayonara" … to ancient Nara… steeped in traditional history of brave Samurais and Shoguns... your imposing five-story pagoda… "Kofuku-ji" (The Temple of the Establishing of Happiness)...

Your ancient shrine… "Kasuga" (The Shrine of Three Thousand Lanterns)… set in extensive wooded grounds… approached by walking through the significantly bright vermilion "Torii" (arches)… where the long avenue… is flanked on both sides… by stone lanterns… the shrine's most famous feature… supposedly one thousand seven hundred eighty… carved in stone… called "Kango" … and a further one thousand and twelve… hammered out in bronze… known as "Isakawa" … dating back to the fifth century..."

"Sayonara" … to your "Daibutsu-den" (Great Buddha Hall)… the largest wooden structure in the world… which… upon entering unawares… the very first time… I was startled by the looming… gigantic "Dainichi-Nyorai"… the Great Sun Buddha… purported to be the world's largest bronze statue… its overpowering presence… filling the vast Hall… standing seventy-one feet six inches tall… and weighing five hundred and fifty-one tons…! It took five years… for the original casting… begun in the eighth century..."

And a very fond "Sayonara" … to your famous Deer Park… two hundred and sixty acres of pristine… tranquil landscape… through which I took quiet strolls... the protected deer so tame… that they would come right up to me… to be petted..!

And I would indulge myself… in long… intimate… tender conversations… with these gentle creatures of God… in Japanese… so in love with their soft brown eyes… that gazed out at the world… so serenely… always loath to finally have to bid them “Sayonara”… because the Park was about to close…

Leisurely walking past the beautiful… delicate lily ponds… surrounded by proud… strutting peacocks… with their exquisite plumage… I would stop at the east bank of Sarusawa Pond… called "Kinukakeyanagi" (Willow of Hanging Clothes)… where legend has it… a court lady had drowned herself... just like I did… at the bottom of the cliffs of “Dai-Shichi no Kami” (Seventh Heaven) … in my previous Japanese incarnation… as a court lady… because my betrothed… (my soul mate Richard)… had betrayed me… with my little… very beautiful “itoko” (cousin)… which I can still remember… so vividly…!

"Sayonara" to Toyohashi… one of my favorite little fishing villages… situated on the idyllic Atsumi Bay… where the sea-green water… is mirrored like smooth glass… making the whole scene look so peaceful… and serene... where I enjoyed feasting leisurely… on so much delectable fresh seafood… such as "tako" (octopus) … and "yariika" (squid)... delicately seasoned… so as not to overpower their own unique briny taste..."

"Sayonara" … to O-Shima… one of the seven isles of Izu… which I happily explored… with Papa and Xenia… hiking all around the awesome volcano… Mount Mihara..."

"Sayonara" … to Toba… on Pearl island… off the picturesque Kii Peninsula… where I had watched the pearl divers… all young Japanese girls… called "Amas"… who… generation after generation… were trained from infancy… to hold their breaths… for long periods of time… under water... because women's lungs… were thought to be stronger than men's... to dive for the "shinjugai"… the pearl oysters... dressed in their thin white kimonos… and compact leggings… to protect their legs… from getting scratched by the dangerously sharp coral... the whole idea of processing pearls artificially… researched and begun… by Kokichi Mikimoto… the "Pearl King"… at the turn of this century..."

"Sayonara" … to Matsushima… Nippon's exotic Pine Clad Islands… where centuries of blowing winds… and lapping waves… have sculpted myriad little picturesque isles… into interesting shapes… as we sailed past them… through the Torii Gateway… erected in the waters… off shore..."

And last but by no means least…:

"Sayonara" … to beautiful… alpine Karuizawa… situated about three thousand feet above sea level… lying at the bottom of Mt. Asama… the dormant volcano… where I had spent such happy summer school vacations... learning to swim in icy… crystal clear water… from the mountain springs... and where I had been introduced to agriculture… for the very first time in my life… learning to plant seeds… in the little vegetable patch… assigned to me… as well as being designated… to look after our adorable… docile pet… the pale… sand-colored… doe-eyed calf… which I had suitably named… "Blondie…"

And where poor Prima… had had such a hard time… taking care of that mean… bad-tempered billy goat… and how I had roared with laughter… watching her try desperately… to hold onto his long rope tether... stumbling after him… as he suddenly bolted away from her... having warily watched her every move... as she carefully approached him… waiting for the opportunity… when the rope would be slack in her hand... then off he would gallop... dragging the long rope behind him...

And then there would be the struggling of wills… hers… determined to corrall him into his pen… for the night… and him eluding her… at every turn… galloping all around the countryside… up the steep path… then down again… always just an inch beyond her reach… until tiring of the cat-and-mouse game… after about an hour… he suddenly became all docile… and allowed her to catch up with him… meekly following her down the steep mountainside… to his pen down below… a hilarious scene… that repeated itself… day after day…

And then there was the time when Prima… Remo and some of the other students… had climbed up Mt. Asama… right up to the crater's edge… and how bug-eyed they had been when… on the very next day… she had erupted..!

How the thick grey ash had blown… for miles and miles around… covering everything in a dense… impenetrable… choking cloud… for days on end...

Then I was remembering… how I used to wade in the ice-cold… crystal clear mountain streams... frolicking naked… in my very own little Garden of Eden... where I had kept a secret collection… of baby jade-green frog pets... playing all alone with them… for hours on end… in the cool… shady woods... "Sayonara"... "Emerarudo..." "Kogyoku..." and "Midori Akambo..."

Reminiscing... I recalled too… the time I had contracted German Measles… during summer vacation… in the alpine region of Karuizawa - I was about eight and a half then - and how I was forced to be left behind… to lie all alone… in my darkened bedroom… blind… all the live long days… and all through the endless nights...

And for some strange reason… as sick… and as fevered as I was… I had experienced sudden… unexpected… powerful sexual urges... and was not satisfied… until I had frantically filled my nether orifices with objects… mostly the poker chips I played Tiddly-Winks with...! These sudden… overwhelming sexual urges… were making me feel crazy... and I shuddered… horrified… wondering whether Pamela's terrible curse… had finally rubbed off on me...!

(In reediting this book… one final time… now in 2006… since all memory… of my babyhood sexual abuse… at the hands of low class Daiku-sans… to whom my various Amahs sold me to… to be “inspected”… as a strange… very long in body… foreigner… and fondled… and interfered with… for about two years… until I was about four years old… Had Been Mercifully Removed from me… by my Heavenly Father…

And it happened… on the day I begged my Heavenly Father… to Please let this be my very last reincarnation… because I had already suffered far too many shocks… in my as yet very young life of about seven years…

And lying sick in Karuizawa… I had no idea… that in all probability… in my fevered state of illness… I may have been reenacting… what had been done to my body…!

For I now have full memory… of how… as I lay helpless before them… they put foreign objects… into it… especially my backside… which is an area of the female body… that particularly intrigues Japanese men…

And they were fascinated… by the strange looking… blonde… white-skinned baby girl… even at times… slashing at her… with their sharp knives… to see whether her blood flowed… as red as theirs did…!

(Under Chapter Heading “Visitations…” … in my second “Open Letter…” … you may be interested to read… about the totally unexpected Visitation… a few years ago… of my beloved soul mate Richard… who “Awakened…” and “Opened…” … my Inner self… into The Miraculous Spiritual Path of SUBUD… and with whom I had lost all contact… for over 35 years… Sent down to me… by my Heavenly Father… Allah Almighty God… here in my home… in Grand Bay… Alabama…!

And how… during his second Visitation… he told me… very tenderly that… before I could leave earth… I had to remember… and confront… every soul-affecting experience… of my life… and very gently helped me to remember… the painful terror… of my babyhood ual abuse… in the back rooms… of the little village shops…!

You will also be reading… how I had to confront… and face… my terrible sin of abortion… when I was about 22… in my fearful cowardice… when my musical celebrity lover… threatened to leave me… if I kept my precious son… Marco… allowing a doctor… to remove a five month male fetus… from my most reluctant… retroverted womb… while I lay… in some kind of Spiritual Trance… crying out… “MURDERESS… MURDERESS… MURDERESS…!”

And hearing which… greatly unnerving the elderly Scottish doctor… that he broke three needles inside me… even suggesting that he stop… the procedure… and give his fee back… claiming that in all the years he had been performing abortions… even going to prison… for them… because they were illegal in South Africa… he had never come across a young woman… who deserved to keep her baby… more than she did…!

And with him experiencing an Epiphany… he vowed never again… to take a human life…!

Not only Being Made To Feel… the Full Reality… of my terrible… sinful deed… but also to face… and confront my son… whom I had “murdered”… when he Was Brought down to me… by my Heavenly Father… Allah Almighty God… in an extremely poignant Visitation… during which he tenderly Serenaded me… with his violin… as a Sign… that he had forgiven me…!)

Now in Karuizawa… feeling terribly guilty... longing for the reassuring presence… of my motherly