Chapter 1
The Fascinating Ancestry... Of My French/Italian Mother... La Contessa Vera Quarta Turin...!

As far as my mother's family history is concerned... about which I only learned about from her... when I was well into my mid-thirties... it is a fascinating tapestry of derring-do... unconventional ancestors...!

Traced way back... as far as was ascertainable... to an adventurous... dashing Corsican buccaneer... who had carried off a dark beauty... during one of his plundering... looting... and sacking raids... this time of the bountiful country... Greece... spiriting the maiden... back to his hideaway... in Lyons... in the South of France... where he happily settled down... siring many children with her...

Then my mother went on... to tell me about a most unconventional ancestor... one Valdes Valdesius... who became known as "Waldo"... a wealthy Lyonnaise merchant... who had lived in the 12th century...

He had earned quite a reputation for himself... when... around the year 1170... one day... thoroughly disenchanted... with the then most politically powerful... Roman Catholic Church... and fervently appealing to his Creator... Almighty God... about the decadent ways of its priests... he had experienced a Divine Revelation...!

And obeying its Holy Message... he had embarked on a Holy Mission... daring first... with great enthusiasm... to break away from the Catholic Church...!

And then... as Commanded by God... giving away his vast amassed fortune... to his relatives... then fervently taking a vow of evangelical poverty... and forming a devout group of God worshipers... called the “Waldenses...”!

Listening to my mother confide... about one of her more illustrious ancestors... who truly devoted his life... in service to his Beloved Creator... for some strange reason... I could not explain... I was not particularly impressed... at the time...!

And the true import of her words... did not really sink in... not until years later... after I came to the United States of America... when I was in my forties... as idly paging through the Encyclopedia Britannica... at a SUBUD sister's house in New York... one day... I found myself wondering... whether the "Waldenses" ... would be mentioned in it...

And seeing... to my surprise... that they were... I read a fascinating account... about their founder... my multiple-great grandfather... Peter Waldo... and his followers... becoming known as the "Waldenses"... and their subsequent persecution... by the pope... who would send his armies after them...!

Thoroughly enraptured... with my hair standing on end... I read how... in his fervent zeal... Peter Valdes... had founded a Religious Order... naming it the "Poor Men of Lyons"... or "Pauperes Christi"... calling its followers... by the medieval Latin name of “Valdenses"...

And how his religious Movement... had spread throughout France... as "Les Vaudois"... and further into Italy... as "Ils Valdesi"... more popularly known today... as the "Waldenses"...

And all about how they had gone from house to house... preaching from scriptures that... unlike those preached from... by the priests of the Roman Catholic Church... had not been tampered with... by the Pope... and furthermore... were a non-Latin version of the Bible...!

Peter Valdes attended the third Lateran Council in Rome... in 1179... and was confirmed... in his Vow of Poverty... by Pope Alexander III... making his Profession of Faith... pledging himself to accept only such alms... as were sufficient... for the needs of each day...!

However... he did not receive the ecclesiastical recognition... that he sought... but undeterred... he and his followers... "Les Pauperes" (The Poor)... continued to preach throughout the lands...

In the beginning... Archbishop Guichard of Lyons... had tended to be favorable... toward the newly formed Fraternity...

But his successor... Jean Bellesmains... (1182-93)... expelled them from Lyons... probably over the issue of preaching... and denounced them to the Pope... condemning Valdes...!

And Pope Lucius III... placed the Waldenses under ban... with his Bull Ad Abolendam (1184)... branding them as heretics...!

Nevertheless... their devout Movement... often joined to... and influenced... by other religious sects... spread rapidly to Spain... Northern France... Flanders... Germany... Southern Italy... and even reached Poland... and Hungary...!

Consequently... afraid of losing their vast power... over the people... the Vatican of Rome... responded vigorously... turning from ex-communication... of the Waldenses... to active persecution... and death...!

Although the Waldenses confessed regularly... celebrated Communion once a year... fasted... and preached poverty... practicing primitive Christianity... they repudiated such things... as prayers for the dead... adoration of the crucifix... and the holiness of churches... and they refused to recognize secular courts... on the grounds... that oaths were required...!

At the end of the 12th century... the Waldenses were rebuked... for usurping the office of preaching... and rejecting the authority... of unworthy priests... for wearing sandals... refusing to take oaths... and for categorically forbidding... the killing of any man...!

But contempt... for the power of the Church... which was the basis... of the heresy... led the Waldenses... into a much more radical attitude...

In their view... priests of the Roman Church... had lost their authority... churches were useless... religious chants... superfluous... and it was futile... to observe the Feast of the Saints... and to pray to them... They also violently attacked the doctrine of Purgatory... and its consequences... and scoffed at indulgences...

Despite internal divisions... the heresy spread rapidly... throughout the cities of Provence... the Dauphine... Burgundy... Franche-Comte... Lorraine... Alsace... Switzerland... Bavaria... Austria... Bohemia... and the Midi...

But by the end of the 13th century... persecution had virtually eliminated the sect... in some areas... and the question of safety... compelled them to abandon their distinctive dress...

Thus it came to pass... that Peter Waldo's offspring... the Turin clan... being labeled "Primitive Christians"... and thoroughly disgusted... with the corruption... of the Catholic papacy in France... headed by power-hungry cardinals... and its persecution of them... had joined up with other French Protestants... among them the "Pauperes Lombards" (poor Lombards) ... and the "Huguenots"... and fled with them to Italy... taking with them... the very first bulls... to ever tread on Italian soil...!

Settling down way up high in the Piedmont valley... an almost inaccessible region... of a mountainous area... in Northwestern Italy... they occupied much of their time... living deep in the caves... where... by candlelight... they painstakingly preoccupied themselves... by carefully reproducing by hand... the original Scriptures... of the Bible which... sadly and shamefully... had been altered... by the Roman Catholics in power... in order to give the Pope and his minions... more control over the people...!

Thus the Waldenses... became bitter enemies... of one pope after another... and tales were told... of the countless times... they had sent their armies... way up into the mountains... to conquer and destroy... the elusive Waldenses...!

But Almighty God... Was Protecting these humble... sincere children of His...

Never Allowing the horses... to find secure footholds... on the narrow... treacherous paths... leading up the steep slopes... of the mountains...!

And many of the popes' soldiers... on horseback... had plunged... to their deaths... far down below... and the rest of them had turned back... afraid to venture any further... up the forbidding mountains...

During the insurrection of 1655... the French Vaudois... reduced in numbers... transferred their allegiance... to the Reformation churches... but the Waldenses... of the Piedmont... bravely stood their ground...

Finally... after centuries of persecution... they received full civil rights... in 1848... when an Act of Emancipation... was granted them... and equality with Catholics...

And Torre Pellice... in the province of Turin... the area being given the family name of Waldo’s descendants... became the center of their activities... and a Waldensian university... established in Florence... in 1860... was transferred to Rome... in 1922...

During the second half... of the 19th century... Waldensian emigrants... arrived in Uruguay... and later moved from there... to the United States of America... where... strengthened by arrivals from France... and Switzerland... they established small communities in Missouri... Texas and Utah... and... most importantly... around Valdese... in Burke County... North Carolina... now a thriving industrial town... whose population of around 3,000... is still largely Waldensian...!

Today... the Waldenses are governed... by a seven-member board... called the Tavola (Table)... elected annually... by a general synod... that convenes in Torre Pellice... Italy...

The modern Waldenses... number about 30,000... almost all of them in Italy... Since the 19th century... they have conducted a vigorous program of evangelization... in the country... and have established a theological school in Rome...

An interesting story goes... that there was a very wealthy English lord... (and this can be verified in the Encyclopedia Britannica... under the title "Waldenses")... who... upon his travels throughout Italy... came across... quite by accident... upon this little hamlet of devout... humble Christians... and seeing their almost destitute plight... was deeply touched... by their humility... and sincerity...

And upon returning to England... he had announced to his father... that he would not be following... in the footsteps of his peers... by squandering his vast inheritance... on pleasures... and other vices... but that it was his intention... to help the poor Waldenses... in Italy... better their pitiful lot...!

And true to his word... he had personally seen to it... that the good people of the mountain caves... had comfortable houses... built for them to live in... and even had a school... hospital... and a church... erected for them... becoming their Godsend and sponsor... even assisting them... in getting their original... unaltered Bibles... distributed all over the world... albeit in secret...!

Then... some generations later... the unforgivable happened...

One of the sons... down the line of my Waldensian ancestry... was bolder than the rest... and dared to venture down... to the valley below... to seek his fortune...!

And that is how he met a Catholic girl... and falling deeply in love with her... wanted to marry her - the unheard of state of affairs... of the very idea of a Catholic... marrying a Protestant... hitherto unpardonable...!

And since she came from a well-to-do family... who found favor in him... it thus came to pass... that my great-great grandfather... became the first Piedmont inhabitant... to leave the mountainous region... settling down with his new bride... in a part of Northwestern Italy that... owing to his being endowed... with a remarkable enterprising nature... and being a man of many talents... soon had bestowed upon him... the land upon which he lived... and the title of Count... - equivalent to an English earl...!

And his French family name... Turin... (pronounced Turan)... was given to the town... with the Italians calling his kin... " ils Taurinis"...

Turin first became a Roman colony under Augustus... then passed to the house of Savoy... around 1280... was occupied by the French... in 1536-62... then withstood a 117-day siege... in 1706... during the War of the Spanish Succession... when the French were defeated by Eugene of Savoy...

In 1720... Turin became the capital... of the kingdom of Sardinia... and in the 19th century... was the political and intellectual center of the Risorgimento... which established the kingdom of Italy... with Turin serving as its capital... until 1864...

Turin (Torino in Italian) today... is situated in Northwest Italy... in the provinces of Piedmonte and Torino... on the Po river... at the mouth of the Dora Riparia... 80 miles west south west of Milan... on a fertile plain... bounded westward... by the Cottian and Graian Alps...

With a population of over 1,237,000... it is the fourth largest city in Italy... and one of its chief industrial... and transportation centers... world famous for its automobiles (Fiat and Lancia)... hand-made shoes... clothing... leather goods... caramels... chocolates and vermouth... Other major products include airplane motors... aluminum... hats... glass... paper... rubber... plastics... furniture... radios... porcelain... various publications... food products... tobacco... matches and fertilizers...

The Turin family crest... consists of a rose (for the Corsican pirate and his Greek love)... a bull (representing the first bull to be brought into Italy)... and a violin (for the genius of the violin craftsman... Amati)...

Out of the loins of my ancestry... sprang the genius of the famous violin maker... Amati...!

And later on... the world famous composer... Ruggerio Leoncavallo... who put to music... one of the most popular operas of all time... " Il Pagliacci"... the idea for the most poignant story... emerging from a tragic episode... that profoundly touched... and affected his own life...!

For when Ruggerio was a young boy... while he was being escorted to the theater... one evening... by his faithful young woman servant... all of a sudden... they were waylaid by the servant's jealous lover who... without much preamble... accused her of infidelity...!

And taking a dagger... out of his sleeve... he had plunged it deep into her breast... killing her right in front of the young boy’s shocked eyes...!

And then his young sensitivities... were further shocked... when his own father... being a judge... had mercilessly sentenced the heartbroken lover to death...!

In hearing my mother’s story... and much later on... in reading all about my great ancestor... Peter Waldo... I fully understood... what our Beloved SUBUD Father... Bapak... had told his SUBUD children... about the reason... why we... in particular... Were Being so singularly Blessed by God...

Explaining that... it was because an ancestor of ours... had lived his life... in sincere... and selfless... devout service to God... and that God Had Made a Promise... to him... that as a reward... every seventh generation descendant... of his... would be Specially... Singularly Blessed...!

When I learned about one of my ancestors... having the legal power... to determine whether a person lived or died... in his role of a judge... a stab went through my body... and I shuddered... with the heavy weight of Spiritual Responsibility... that had been handed down to me... No wonder I have suffered with Karmic migraines... and other debilitating maladies... for most of my life...!

My Guardian Angel Friend Has Told me... that they are for the purpose of expiating the known sins... of that particular ancestor... plus the sins... of all the other nobles... who... authorized to wield power... over the mass of people... under their jurisdiction... systematically abused their licence... to rule over them... by senseless acts of cruelty... towards their fellow man... in their greed to covet... and some of them... even committing acts of murder...!

This trying to be humble to God soul... long ago... Received the most important Holy Revelation... about the Divine Law of...:

"As Ye Sow... So Shall Ye Reap...!"

And that this Law of God... still applies to all of mankind... even in this modern day and age... and that no single God Created soul... can ever escape...:

"The Divine Law Of Cause And Effect..."

For sooner... or later... we all have to pay... for our misdeeds... whether committed in ignorance... or in full knowledge... of one's actions... or whether committed... in this lifetime... or in previous incarnations...!

Otherwise... we cannot return to our Divine Creator... Allah Almighty God... or by whatever Holy Name... you call Him...

Chapter 2
"Contessa Graziella Nadia Rau... Di Turin... Di...!?"

Growing up in Japan... and in Europe... I knew nothing at all... of all this fascinating family history... on my mother's side... not until I was in my mid thirties...!

However... just two months past my twenty-first birthday... I found out something most extraordinary from my mother... when... shortly after arriving in South Africa... to be finally reunited with her... after thirteen aching long years of separation from her... one day... I decided... on a sudden impulse... to drop in on her... at the Italian Embassy... where I knew she was associated... with the Italian Ambassador... to invite her to lunch with me...

And as we pleasantly conversed with each other... with me still not quite believing... that I was actually reunited... with my adored Mummie again... wanting to pinch myself... every time I beheld her exquisitely beautiful self... in case it was all just a wonderful dream... there was a brief knock... on the door to her office...

And when she responded... by saying “Avanti...”... the door opened... and a handsome... middle-aged man came in... and bowing to my mother... most respectfully... said...:

“Piacere Contessa...!"

And suddenly noticing... that she was not alone... startled... he said...:

“Oh... scusi..!”

Whereupon my mother... smiling... also speaking in Italian... calmly introduced me to him... as her daughter... Graziella... recently arrived from Switzerland...

And he... naturally assuming... that I also spoke Italian... very politely said... bowing slightly towards me...:

“Piacere... prego...!”

Then... he held out his hand... not to shake mine... held out to him... but to kiss the back of it... and most reverently...!

But all that reverberated in my ears... as he gravely kissed the back of my hand... with my mother telling me... in English... that he was the Italian Consul... and letting him know... that I spoke no Italian... was the sound of my mother... being respectfully addressed... as “Contessa...”... a Countess in English...!

And after he politely welcomed me to South Africa... then finished briefly discussing something with my mother... in Italian... and left her office... with another respectful bow... to both of us... my mother... noticing that I was in shock... smiled at me... and told me to sit down... for she had something of great importance... to tell me...!

And she astounded me... even further... by beginning to introduce me to the history... of her ancestry... and almost casually remarking... out of the blue that... since I had now reached the age of twenty-one... by Italian standards... I could now rightfully call myself... if I so chose...:

"Contessa Graziella Nadia di Turin di...!"

I forget the rest of the title... because there was a ringing in my ears... as I gaped at her... with incredulity... far too stunned... by the import... of what she was saying... to pay close attention... to her actual words...

While I reeled in amazement... at the huge impact... that her mind-boggling announcement... was making on me... uttered so offhandedly... she went on to paint the picture... of a favored life style of ease... where... because of my title of "Contessa"... hitherto closed doors... would be bound to automatically become opened to me... and how I would easily be accepted... in all the social circles... of high society... in Johannesburg...!

She urged me to consider well... all the advantages... that having such a title... would signify for me... especially when I was endowed... with the additional assets... of being not only young... but tall... like herself... and so beautiful... and graceful... as well... suggesting that I think her words over... very carefully... and not be too hasty... in turning down her offer...

Adding that... In view of the fact... that she worked in association with the Italian Consul... himself... she had... at her disposal... the means to expedite getting me my title... officially...

And as she glowingly described a life of ease... and luxury... in that charming... fascinating accent of hers... smiling at me tenderly... I suddenly felt overwhelmed... with a sick feeling... of great shame...!

And I “knew...”... somehow... that there was a great deal of evil... in the background... of my so-called... noble ancestry...!

And I shuddered... inside myself... feeling greatly disgusted... that I was affiliated with them...!

Keeping my inner awareness... to myself... it did not take me very long... to decide to turn down my mother's offer...

Telling her... very convincingly... that I wanted to be liked... and... yes... even loved... just on the merits... of my character... and personality alone... knowing that I could rely far more... on the genuineness... of the friendships I enjoyed... blossoming... because of who I was... and not because I happened to have some title of nobility... attached to my name...

Besides which... there was the obvious fact... that I was totally unprepared... and untrained... as to what would be expected of me... as a "Contessa" ... plus the glaring reality... that I did not possess the accoutrements... that went with such a title... such as wealth... and appropriate... landed property... an estate of opulence...

Then... becoming curious... I asked her... whether she had ever offered the noble title... to her older daughter... Prima...

And she replied... with a surprising tone of vehemence... that she absolutely... and most emphatically... would never ever hint to Prima... that she had the right to a title... because she would be sure to bring down... even more disgrace... on our noble family name... what with her constant drinking... and disgusting immoral behavior...!

Poor Prima... for whom real tragedy had struck... at the oh so tender age of seventeen and a half... and who... in trying to forget her soul-wrenching heartache... and mental anguish... had become extremely self-indulgent... seeking forgetfulness... in alcohol... and in the arms of nameless bodies... with nameless faces... spreading her legs... for any Tom... Dick or Harry...!

Chapter 3
The Puzzling... Life-long Bewilderment Of Controversy... About The Actual Date... Of My Miraculous Birth...!

Dear reader... this book is being written... all in all... over a period... of some fifty-five years... first sporadically... then in earnest... during a seven and a half year period... of being mostly bed-ridden... whilst suffering from frequent God-Willed Strokes - I stopped counting them after the 37th - and other maladies... one doctor and specialist... after another... exclaiming... after submitting my fifty-two year old body... and blood... to numerous complicated tests...:

"There is so much wrong with you... I don't know where to begin treating you...!"

Receiving in advance... from the One Allah Almighty God... together with my dearest reincarnated little Japanese "itoko" (cousin)... known to me now... as dearest SUBUD Sister... first Isnaini... then Ismana... The Exact Date... And Time... Of His Willed...:

“Now Dying Of Stroke... In Full Awareness...!”

Just as all my ancestors had...!

Then... after two years of mostly being bed-ridden... suffering one Stroke after another... which were greatly weakening my body... to my utter amazement... early one morning... Receiving the Divine Command... from Allah Almighty God...:

"Now Write...! About Your Childhood... Your Ancestry... ... Your Life...!"

Varying from Being Commanded to write... every day... for ten hours or so... to a few hours... every ten days... sometimes with periods of weeks... even months... in between... of not Being Commanded to write... at all...!

The whole process of God Commanded Writing... began with the Directive... to go on a Water Only Fast... twenty-four hours a day... for the first ten days... then during daylight hours only... with a little food Allowed... at night... the whole initial God-Directed Process... lasting some three months...!

Therefore... in obeying my Inner Guidance... writing when Told to... at the same time... I have been submitting my whole being... in patient... unconditional surrender... to The Power of The One Allah Almighty God's Will for me... unconditional surrender... meaning that I will neither ask for... nor pray for... nor expect anything... in particular... for myself... which is the true SUBUD Way of worshiping Him... and a God-Protected life of living...

Often bedridden... over the past twenty-seven years... as already shared with you... in my Foreword... two books have been produced... this one... and...:

"From Seven Hells... To Seventh Heaven... SUBUD..."

The latter being the journal... the Spiritual Odyssey... of a life-long... mostly humble to God soul... in which she has chronicled her life... before... and after having her Inner self "Awakened...” and “Opened..." into the Miracle of SUBUD... by her eternal soul mate... Richard... on the momentous Sunday... of February 12th ... 1961... at the age of almost thirty-one... in Johannesburg... South Africa...

Plus... very recently... "Close Encounters... Of The Spiritual Kind..."... which... together with all of this soul's volume of writing... will be featured... on the recently set up website... called "SUBUD Stories".... as an ongoing streaming... of the random recounting... of only episodes of Spiritual Experiences... of which there are many... throughout this soul's unusual life... where she was known... at different times... as Tzi-Tzi Darling... Darling Nadia... Graziella... Grace... Chuchi... Nadia... Grazia... Laura... and finally as Muftiah...

And hopefully... joined by her many SUBUD Brothers and Sisters... from all over the SUBUD World... contributing their own fascinating Spiritual Experiences... so that we can keep the SUBUD Light of God... Burning Brightly... in the ever increasing darkness... of our chaotic... violent world...

As to this literary effort... about my unusual childhood... and ancestry... and the exciting sea voyage... from one extreme contrast of culture... to the other... with danger dogging our footsteps... at every turn... it had actually already begun... in January... 1953... in South Africa...

After I was shocked... and saddened... to the depths of my very soul... by witnessing the tragic sinking... of my beloved “Klipfontein...”... off the coast of Africa... in a newsreel... at His Majesty's Theater... in Johannesburg... the very magnificent... majestic ocean liner... which had bravely carried desperately anxious passengers... including me... and my family... across the dangerous high seas... in late 1941...!

Allah Almighty God Commands his loving daughter... to write from "Inner" memory alone... since her physical memory... is somewhat diminished... owing to the many God-Willed Strokes... over the years... with her mind... often a total blank...!

In fact... whenever I try to use my mind... to remember something... I will experience such a stab of pain... in my head... that all thinking... is immediately Halted... by Allah Almighty God...!

And of course... from what my wonderful... helpful husband... Farlan... who tenderly... and patiently nursed me... without complaining... throughout all those over seven years... of being saddled... with a dull as dishwater... practically lifeless... bed-ridden wife... has been able to research for me...

He has ascertained the exact dates... times and names of places... relating to this hopefully interesting... exciting adventure story... “From The Shadow... Of The Rising Sun"... ranging from the Eastern hemisphere... of the globe... to the far Western reaches... of our universe...

Now I feel to digress... from my adventurous saga... and share with all you Spiritually seeking readers... something that has been a nagging question mark... inside me... all my life... something that... from time to time... has reared its ugly head... haunting... and taunting me...!

Throughout my life... I have been led to believe... mostly by my mother... that I was born on April 10th 1930... on the holy... commemorative day of observance... namely Easter Sunday... which would have made me seventy-eight years old... this year...

However... I vividly recall from my childhood days... the number of occasions... when I would mention some event... that had taken place... let us say... when I was five years old... and as I happily reminisced about it... my elders would laughingly correct me... telling me that I had been eight at the time... and not five... or in total reverse... that I had been two years old... and not five...! This would happen... more and more frequently... the older I grew... until I became thoroughly confused...!

To make matters worse... when I was in my early forties... I was shocked... to my very soul... to find out... quite by accident... whilst idly glancing through a psychic SUBUD Sister's ephemeris... who was also an astrologer - she was actually my husband’s estranged wife... Luzilla... at her request... at the time - that April 10th... 1930... had actually fallen on a Thursday... and not on a Sunday... let alone on an Easter Sunday...!

Furthermore... that the Easter Sundays likely closest... to my year of birth... occured either in 1927... or 1934... respectively...! And that Easter Sunday... for the year 1930... fell on April 20th...!

I had simply been curious to know... as to how the planets had been situated... at my time of birth... on April 10th 1930... and most certainly never expected... to get such a startling bombshell of a revelation... from her astrological ephemeris...!

To soften the blow... Luzilla very gently let me know... that she had a strong Inner feeling... that my year of birth was 1930... and not 1927... And I had an Inner Confirmation... that she spoke the truth...

Nevertheless... since that momentous encounter with Luzilla... the three questions... that burned in my breast... were...:

Was I born in 1930... or in 1927..? Or the painful one...: Did my mother lie to me... about my actual birth date... in 1930... and if so... why...?

Did she really harbor... that much resentment towards me... while I was innocently... developing in her womb... blaming me for her banishment to Italy... because of her public disgrace... when her adulterous love affair... with a married man... was exposed... when his neurotic wife... shot herself dead... in the middle of the dance floor... at the Yokohama Country & Athletic Club... which caused my young twenty-one year old mother... already pregnant with me... until then... her precious love child... to lose the love of her life... for good...?

Fiendishly contriving to keep me in a perpetual state of confusion... always as a reminder... that I was unwanted... and rejected... in her resentful feelings towards me...?

Chapter 4
My Adored Mother... The Proud... Imperious Contessa... Becomes Inwardly "Opened..." ... And "Awakened..." ... to Receive Contact... With The Great Holy Life Force... Of Her Creator... Almighty God... In The Glorious Miracle Of SUBUD...! And At The Same Time... He Removes From Her Darling Tzi-Tzi Daughter... Her Life-long... Harmful... Blind Adoration For Her...!

I was in my mid-thirties... when... during my third year in SUBUD... my Heavenly Father... Suddenly Removed my life-long... harmful... blind adoration for my mother... from me... overnight... and for good...!

And it happened... on the very eve... of her Inner self... becoming "Opened..." and "Awakened..."... to Receive Contact... With The Great Holy Life Force... Of Her Creator... Almighty God... in the Glorious Miracle of SUBUD...!

So that... overnight... she lost all power... to hurt me... as she so often had... in her life-long... emotional... destructive stranglehold... over me... who had loved and adored her so much...!

And I became somewhat indifferent towards her... no longer yearning to have her precious self... all to myself... to bask in adoration of her... deliriously happy... just to be in her exquisitely beautiful... regal presence...

So that in this glorious liberating state of... fine if I saw her... and fine if I didn't... I finally had the courage... one day... to ask her... about the huge question mark in my heart and soul... about the real circumstances... of my birth...

And to my utter amazement... the whole ugly truth... about how much... I seemed to evoke feelings of repugnance... and resentment in her... apparently stemming from before I was even born... often hating my very existence... came spewing out of her... and with such venom... as I had never before heard her express... to me... to quite that extent... ever before...!

And I immediately understood... that she was undergoing a God Willed Period... of what came to be termed... in SUBUD... as...:

"It Must Out...!"

This is when all the deep seated... hidden... poisonous... negative feelings... harbored in an Opened soul... Are Made by Almighty God... to Come to the surface... and out... for good...!

Her vehement outbursts... making me remember how... ever since our reunion... when I was supposedly twenty-one... and I found out the mind-boggling revelation... that she was actually a Countess... a lady of noble birth...! ... and turned down her offered title for myself... she had insidiously been subjecting me... to constant snide criticisms... and put-downs... and contradictions... until I developed an inferiority complex... of quite a magnitude... whenever I was in her haughtily proud... regal presence...!

From then on... and progressively... now that the dam of her hatred... and resentment... had burst fully... she let me know... more and more frequently... at the oddest times... and even in public... what a piercing thorn I was in her side... and always had been...!

Before she was Spiritually Opened... the more life dealt her its cruel blows... and the more she drank... the more she would blame her darling Tzi-Tzi... for anything that went wrong in her life... for all her ills... and misfortunes...!

And even when her wonderful... adoring husband... twenty years younger... than she was... and only three years older than yours truly... had let her down... by getting drunk at a party... one night... seducing his cousin... contracting gonorrhea from her... and passing the disease... on to his adored wife... Vera...!

I was somehow to blame... for that one sad episode... of his one misdeed... and only time of unfaithfulness... as well... with her accusing me... of influencing her husband... to be disloyal to her... when I was living miles away... way down in the port city of Durban... and had had no contact with them... for quite a while... at her request... because she was ever fearful... that he too... would fall in love with me... like all her other lovers had...!

Countless times... I had watched her.... sitting in her favorite chair... swigging copious amounts of liquor... as... her jet black eyes... flashing with resentful malice... she would vent her venom... spitting in my startled face...!

And I... her darling Tzi-Tzi... who had always worshipped... and adored her... would be filled with puzzlement... and confusion... resolved to ask for explanations... the next day... when she had sobered up...

But then... to my utter consternation... she would deny everything... telling me... smiling brightly... her perfect white teeth gleaming... in her still exquisitely beautiful... Madonna-like... perfect oval face... that her darling little Tzi-Tzi... had a very vivid imagination... and affectionately biffing me on the shoulder... reiterating... that I should become a writer...!

When I told her... of my overnight... Miraculous Deliverance... from my life-long adoration of her... she had responded... how pleased she was... remarking that my love for her... had been “unnatural...”!

But then... when she realized... that she truly no longer had power over me... to the point that... whenever she crooked her little finger... and begged me to come to her side... because she was lonely... for her darling little Tzi-Tzi... and I would always instantly drop everything... and rush to be with my adored Mummie... as quickly as possible... no matter how nice and pleasant... my own life happened to be... at the time... it began to bother her a great deal... to see that I had truly become indifferent towards her...

And she began a desperate campaign... to win me back... calling me up frequently... inviting me to lunch with her... and even inviting me to spend weekends... with her and her husband... Braam... in their house... something she had always deliberately avoided... before... like the plague...!

When they decided to marry... kindly... generous natured... prematurely bald Braam... knowing how much I adored my mother... and all about our long years of separation... from each other... had invited me to live with them... wanting to give me the home with her... that had been denied me for so long...

And I was delirious with joy... until my mother called me... immediately after... telling me... in no uncertain terms... that I would most certainly not be living with them... under the same roof... breaking my heart... all over again...

And Braam's fond opinion of me... was greatly altered... for quite some time... when I turned down his kind offer... never letting him know the true reason why... loath for him to see his adored wife... my mother... in such a bad light...

The strange cherry on the top... was that... whenever we were worshiping God together... in the Latihan of SUBUD... my soul would feel such a great Inner love for her... as I felt the Gentle Vibration... of God’s Great Holy Life Force... Pulsating inside me... like a Bubbling Fountain of Joy... that I would be compelled... to give her a great big hug... immediately afterwards...!

But then... very soon... with our joint surrender to God... at an end... I would feel a Distinct Wave of Indifference... Rising up in front of me... towards her...! And I came to understand... that the God-Willed Indifference... was a form of Protection... a Shield against her power... to continue hurting me...!

She had asked to be Blessed to Receive Contact... with God’s Great Holy Life Force... have her Inner self... “Awakened...” ... and “Opened...” ... into the Glorious Miracle of SUBUD... after she met her darling Tzi-Tzi's soul mate... Richard... instantly captivated by him... and utterly convinced... that they were made for each other...!

Soon thereafter... her necessary period... of God Willed... “It Must Out...” Began... during which time... every single time... she happened to see her darling Tzi-Tzi... which was often... all her feelings of harbored resentment towards her... Would Come Spewing... out of her mouth...!

These God Willed Episodes... would happen anywhere... and everywhere... whether sober... or inebriated... and even in public... at her daughter's hotel... where she was now living... married to debonair... bon vivant hotelier... French/Dutch René... being the spitting image of movie heart throb... Charles Boyer...!

And because my Heavenly Father... Had Removed my adoration... for my mother... from me... her vehement words of hatred... no longer had any power... whatsoever... to hurt me...!

And I would Be Made... to be her witness... listening to her quietly... until finally... the day came... about three months later... when all the festering poison inside her... had been Spewed out of her... for good...

She Was Even Made... to confess to me... for the very first time... how she had tried to abort me... after she was banished to Italy... by her enraged husband... to “get rid of the brat”...!

And how no doctor... or even medical student... would perform the terrible sin of murder... no matter how much money... she offered them...!

Thereafter... a real... loving mother and daughter relationship... began to develop between us... without rancor... without hatred... and without any snide remarks of criticism... resentment... or put-downs... from her... of any kind...!

And although there was not a scrap of feeling in me... to get back at her... for all her hurts... and snide insults... over the past thirteen years... all her efforts... to regain that particular kind of total commitment to her... from me... in love... and adoration... failed... for it was never restored to me... ever again...!

I have some vague recollection... of being told... by my mother... while feeling utterly indifferent towards her... that she did not actually know... the exact date of my birth... but that... between her and Papa... they had carelessly chosen the tenth... because the number "10" ... was easy to remember...!

And April... because none of their other children... had been born in April - both Prima and Remo... in July... first Prima on the 27th... when my mother was only sixteen... then Remo on the 19th... barely a year later...!

Although I did seem to have quite a pronounced Aries temperament ... in regard to impulsiveness... and headstrong willfulness... whilst growing up... extremely disadvantageous traits... following which... always turned out badly for me... and which have greatly mellowed... throughout my forty-seven years of Spiritual Growth... and Development... in SUBUD...

At long last... I understand now... why my impassioned prayers... to my Heavenly Father... were never Answered by Him... as I lay in my bed... aching with longing... sobbing as if my very heart were breaking... pining for my adored Mummie... crying out into the darkness... the searing... agonizing yearning for her... almost unbearable at times...:

"Oh My Beloved Heavenly Father... Why Oh Why... Have You Taken My Precious Mummie Away From Me... Why...?"

And instead of His Usually Answering me... I would experience the Air... Around me... Becoming Very Thick... And Still... and then conscious... of a very Profound... Deep Silence...!

I realize now... that if I had been brought up by her... as she became more and more disappointed... in the knocks... that life dealt her... because she was so very proud... so very arrogant... so very self-centered... never giving an inch... her bitter resentment... towards me... the ever piercing thorn in her side... ever increasing... and piercing deeper... the older she got... she may very well have driven me insane... eventually... because of my life-long... blind and harmful... adoration for her...

And it is finally clear to me now... that Almighty God... in His Infinite Merciful... and Loving Compassion... for me... Very Wisely... Kept us separated... from each other... during my formative years... to Protect me... from her all-consuming hatred... and burning resentment... towards me... begun while I was still in her womb...!

Since we have been estranged from one another now... for a good many years - in the thirty-seven years... since I last saw her in South Africa... there have only been a few sporadic letters... and two trans-Atlantic phone calls... from me to her... the last one... from San Francisco... to Pretoria South Africa... shortly before my Allah-Willed Stroke... in October... 1982... cut abruptly short... by her preference... to watch a Bill Cosby TV show... rather than talk to her now fifty-two year old daughter... whose voice she had not heard... in fifteen years..!!!???

And now that she is blessed with senility - no longer tormented... over how raw a deal... life has dealt her... no more painful... frustrating memories... to plague her... because her dreams... never came true - it is much too late... to get the real truth about my birth... out of her...

So that... in fact... I am destined to die... never really knowing... my exact physical age... nor whether Theodore Rau... the Romansch/Swiss man... was my real father... or Englishman... Arthur Cannon... whom it has not been my Karma to associate with... not in this lifetime... anyway...

Chapter 5
The Truth About My Miraculous Birth... Is Finally Explained... To This Soul... Soon After Becoming Muftiah... By Her Beloved... SUBUD Father... Bapak... After He Takes Her Flying Up... Into The Heavens With Him... When She Is In Her Forties... And By The Grace Of God... Still Looking Twenty Years Younger...!

The last few paragraphs above... were written some twenty-three years ago... Since then... my mother passed away... and has been coming down to earth... in meaningful Visitations... even entering my body... and possessing it... for ten days... as you can read all about... in "Heavenly Visitations"...!

When I was in my 12th year in SUBUD... shortly after Luzilla dropped her startling bombshell on me... I had a very enlightening Bapak Dream... in which he took me on a Flying Journey with him... to the planets... visiting one after another... together... and explaining many things to me...!

But when I awoke... all I could remember... was Bapak and I visiting Venus... and Jupiter... together... and how... on the planet Venus... the one closest to the dazzling sun... I was shown... how the inhabitants... worshipped their Creator... through their arts... with poetry... and music... in a light... romantic way...!

But when we got to Jupiter... I was shown... that Almighty God was worshipped there... with great respect... and serious reverence...!

And Bapak told me... that that is how we... in SUBUD... were being trained... on earth... to worship God... through the Latihan Kejiwaan of SUBUD...: with great respect... and serious reverence...!

And he added... that what was most important for us... was to always have a feeling inside us... of sincerity... and patience... submitting ourselves... to Him... in unconditional surrender... with utter trust... and faith... in Him...

Unconditional surrender... to Almighty God... meaning that we will neither pray for... nor ask for... nor expect anything in particular... for ourselves... from Him... except that His Perfect Will... Be Given to each individual... that He Created... to trustingly follow... and obey...

And when Beloved Bapak... brought his loving SUBUD daughter... back down to earth again... from their incredibly Wonderful... Joyous Journey... Up Into The Heavens... he showed her a great big calendar...!

And pointing to the top... where April 1930 was shown... in a beautiful script... he then pointed down... with his finger... resting it on the number 20... showing it to be the Holy Day of Easter Sunday...!

And smiling down at her... with great tenderness... he told her... that that was the true date of her birth... and that it had... indeed... been a Miraculous one...!

Chapter 6
My Mother And Her Adored... Seven Year Old Son... Hans... Get Swept Up... Into The Hitler Mania... In Germany...!

Hearing Mummie denigrating her first born... her very own daughter... Prima... in such a derogatory manner... reminded me of how she herself... had been unwittingly... and indirectly instrumental... in warping the sexuality... of her darling son... Hans... being the favorite... of all her children... and whom she had always loved... with an all-consuming passion... and fierce possessiveness...

When her cherished second husband... Alfred... after a short period of forced incarceration... in a South African detention camp... was deported to Germany... towards the end of World War II... unable to bear the thought of being separated from him... she had made a rash... foolish... and impulsive move...

Following her husband to Germany... in 1945... she had taken her almost eight year old son Hans... with her... instead of leaving him behind in South Africa... where he... at least... had the chance of a comparatively normal upbringing... living out in the countryside... in a good... well-supervised Lutheran community... and a safe... healthy environment... with plenty of good food... and fresh air...

And poor... impressionable Hans... had very quickly... come under the evil spell... of the Hitler Youth Movement...!

The fact that Alfred Stempfle... was the Managing Director... of the only German... inter-oceanic undersea pipeline company... with a degree in Civil Engineering... made little difference to the Germans... and he had been promptly conscripted... into the German Wehrmacht... working at a desk job... at an army supply depot...

But Papa Alfred... was very grateful... indeed... that they had not forced him into the infantry... no doubt because of his age... nearing fifty-five - the thought of having to shoot... let alone kill somebody... was extremely abhorrent... to his quiet... gentle... peace-loving nature...

For he was a bona fide Bavarian... through and through... Unlike the aggresive Prussians... and the Berliners... all a Bavarian ever wants... is any excuse... to shut down shop... celebrate the sheer zest of living... with overflowing jugs of Rhine wine... and exuberant dancing in the streets - for the Bavarian... having much Austrian blood... flowing in his veins... is... by and large... most certainly not endowed... with a fiercely aggressive... warring nature...

Shortly after Mummie's arrival in Germany... with her precious son Hans... about six months before the war ended... it inevitably followed... that it was compulsory for him... to be recruited... into the "Hitler Jugend Verein" (Hitler Youth Movement) where... alas... he quickly succumbed to the charismatic spell... and evil influence... of the megalomaniac menace... Adolf Hitler... in short shrift... becoming a fervent fanatic... believing with all his heart... in Hitler's insane ideologies... and where his education in morality... became extremely warped...!

He learned... for instance... among other excessively cruel practices... that it was the most natural thing in the world... to obtain sexual submissiveness... from a girl... by whipping her...! And he easily obtained much practice... to exhibit his misguided sense of superiority... as young as he was... on poor... defenseless... young Jewish girls...! He also lost... by the age of ten... all his hair... and his teeth... one by one... because of gross malnutrition...!

Years later... his then Rhodesian wife... Danicia... had complained bitterly to me... about his abnormal sexual behavior... and how she had submitted to a whipping from him... only once... because she loved him so very much...

But the degrading act... had been so painfully violent... and abhorrent to her... that she had sworn fervently to him... and to herself... that she would never again... allow him to demean her so abusively... and so brutally...

But then she had caught him... one night - he had forgotten to lock his study door - standing in front of an easel... sketching violent whipping scenes... with one hand... and masturbating... with the other...! And she had insisted that he get treatment... for his sexual aberration... or else their marriage would be over...!

But his conviction... that he was "normal" ... was so deeply ingrained in him... that the therapy bore little fruit... although he did manage to sire two children... with her... first a girl... then a boy... with normal sex... over a period of a few years...

But alas... their marriage eventually failed... although... being still young... she was most fortunate... in finding happiness with another man... back home in Rhodesia...

As bad luck would have it... Hansi's parents remained separated... to a very large extent... anyway... with his father finding himself caught in the British Zone... and his mother in the American Zone... when the war ended... so that all her plans... to be close to her husband... had been in vain...!

Although... because my mother... was able to speak fluently... in so many languages... she was most fortunate... to get a job with the American Occupation... So that she got rare... precious commodities of food... and clothing... through them...

She also worked... as a Court Reporter... for the American judge... at the Nuremberg Nazi War Crimes Trials... and made copies for herself... which she insisted... I should read... and see for myself... how wrongly accused... the German officers were... because they were only doing... what they were told to do... carrying out orders... they were instructed to follow...! And I found the transcripts... which she still has in her possession today... treasuring them... quite revolting... yet fascinating to read...

And because I was in Germany... visiting her at the time... at the age of nineteen... having her gloriously all to myself... which had not happened... since Peking... when I was a tot... I held my tongue... keeping to myself... the awful realization... that even my adored mother... so intelligent... and so worldly... in the space of only a few six months... before the end of the war... had become swept up... in the Machiavellian spell... of charismatic Adolf Hitler...!

Furthermore... both my mother... and stepfather Papa Alfred... had met new loves... although Alfred was much more serious... about his new sweetheart... courting her in his quaint... old-fashioned way... than my mother was... about her new boyfriend... her landlord... who was letting her live... rent free... in a comparatively nice building - with decent apartments... almost impossible to find... after the war... in return for her sexual favors...!

And of whose constant spying... on her movements... and fierce... all-consuming possessiveness... she was more than a little afraid... especially when... one night... right before her eyes... he had drunk her urine... and eaten her feces... right out of the chamber pot...!

And as she sat mesmerized... unable to move... staring at him in shock... he had held her eyes with his dark... brooding gaze... smouldering with passion... his slate grey eyes... telling her... that his love for her was so great... that nothing that came out of her body... was repulsive to him...!

Swearing his undying love for her... he warned her... that if she ever so much as entertained the idea... of ever leaving him... he would kill her... for if he could not have her... then nobody else would...! And in the end... she had had to literally flee... from his smothering obsessiveness... leaving practically all of her belongings behind...!

Alfred's new sweetheart... was a woman... more suited to his nature... and when he found out... that his wife was indulging herself... in a love affair... although not serious... as far as she was concerned... he had made a pact with her... promising to pay for her passage... back to South Africa... with him... provided she grant him a divorce...!

Having by now... become greatly estranged from him... she readily agreed... and a year later... back in South Africa... once again... their divorce final... he had married the Bavarian lady... by proxy... then sent for her...

Her name was Ilse... and although much younger than Alfred... there was a quietly gentle... mature aura... about her person... the most noticeable feature... being her doe-eyes... great big brown orbs... that looked out at the world trustingly... but startled easily...

There had been an easy-going... instant affinity between us... during the year I saw them... in South Africa... which had angered my mother with unaccustomed jealousy...!

Subsequently... after his retirement... Alfred and his new wife... had returned to his home... in Dusseldorf... Bavaria... where he lived out the rest of his days peacefully... happily whiling away his leisure hours... at his favorite pastime... of gardening...

When I heard the story... about how this dear... sweet man... managed to get a special Visiting Pass... from the British occupational forces... enabling him... every three months... to cycle for miles and miles cross-country... just to be able to see... and visit with his wife and son... for two whole days... then cycle all the way back to the British Zone... up north again... made my heart warm even more... towards this kind... gentle stepfather of mine... who alas... had been in my life... all too briefly...

This wonderful man who... sitting at his desk... at the army supply depot... had taken the trouble... to painstakingly write long letters... in his own handwriting... to me... in Zurich... Switzerland... over a period of about two years... telling me all about the lives... and works... of the famous German composers... such as Bach... Beethoven... and the one he knew... was my very favorite... Richard Wagner... knowing that classical music... ranked as one of my greatest interests...

But alas... Papa Rau had discovered the letters... one afternoon... when he... surprisingly... and for the very first time... had suddenly decided to invade the privacy... of the bedroom... that I now had all to myself... in our large... top story apartment in Zurich... the whole floor of which we occupied... with my sister Prima... just having gotten married...

Entering without knocking... and insisting on an inspection... of my belongings... he had come across... my very special desk drawer... where I kept all my treasured mementos... so near and dear to my heart...

And becoming very annoyed... that I was harboring something secret from him... he had roughly rifled through it... sneering... ignoring my protests... tipping its precious contents... onto my king-size bed...

When he saw the bundle of handwritten letters... from my dear... sweet stepfather... Papa Alfred... lovingly tied up with pink ribbon... he had flown into an astounding fit of jealous rage... and without even bothering... to first read them... had crushed them all... in his powerful fists... and then torn them up into tiny fragments... breaking my heart... into a million pieces...!

Then he had ferociously attacked... the rest of my treasured things... scattering and smashing them... violently... about the room... causing me so much more pain... rendering a telling blow... to my sensitive psyche... from which I would never recover...

Yet once again... roaring at me... that no foolish... sentimental weakling... would be allowed to live under his roof... and I had better get that straight through my stupid skull - I was a very sensitive teenager of fifteen... at the time... - and my father’s raging actions... the very first... of such great magnitude... shocked and horrified me... to my very core...

And then... the next thing I knew... as I walked around in a daze... was coming home from school one day... soon after... to find myself suddenly evicted... from the large... airy... sunny bedroom...!

And nothing but my meager wardrobe of clothes... transferred to a small... depressing... cold dark room... with dark green walls... right next door to Papa and Xenia's dark bedroom... which only had a single bed... and an armoire... in it... and through whose small window... which faced northward... the sun never shone...!

And standing in it... now at five foot ten... as tall as Papa... and feeling utterly forlorn... and doomed... I wondered... for the umpteenth time... why Papa and Xenia... had not initially chosen the only large... airy... sunny bedroom... in the apartment... for themselves...!

And came to the conclusion... once again... that the reason was probably because of the sole bathroom... conveniently situated... right next door... to their dark... cold... sunless bedroom... with the airy... sunny bedroom... right next to the front door... being too far away... to suit their needs...

Then... to be again shocked... and horrified... beyond imagination... this time by my very own adored mother... towards the end... of my two week reunion with her... in Germany... when I was nineteen...!

To hear her expound... with great enthusiasm... on the brilliance of Hitler... ranting and raving... at how magnificent a man he had been... and how greatly misunderstood... and falsely maligned... urging me to read his epic work... "Mein Kampf"... so that I could read for myself... how truly a great man of vision he was...!

Unable any longer to hold my tongue... I had dared to mention... the cruel atrocities... inflicted on thousands of innocent civilian men... women and children... and the horrible extermination... of six million Jews... showing her an illustrated book... with photographs of the unbelievable human mass of skeletal bodies...!

The poor helpless souls... tortured daily... by rigorously forced... inhuman labor... beatings... starvation... and excruciatingly painful... so-called "medical experiments"... carried out by doctors... without the use of any anesthetics... behind the barbed-wire fences... of the infamous concentration camps of Buchenwald... and Dachau... to name just two of the worst... with the extremely cruel... ironic words... "Arbeit Macht Frei" (Labor Liberates) ... emblazoned above the entrance gates... to their living inferno of Hell...!

And she had shrugged all of it off... as nothing more than mere Allied propaganda...! And all the horrifying photographs...? They were just falsely "made up"... to justify their occupation... of the glorious Vaterland... as if she herself... had actually been born a German national... and not French/Italian at all...!

I remember finding myself wondering... whether I too... would have been swept up... into the diabolical Hitler mania... had I gone to South Africa... to join her and Papa Alfred... in November... 1939... and then on to Germany... in 1945... with her and Hansi... as I was fond of calling him... when I was still at the impressionable age of fifteen...

Instead of staying behind in Japan... winding up with most reluctant... madly in love with each other... Papa Rau and Xenia... very annoyed... to suddenly find themselves saddled with three children... they did not want... angry that they had been forced to stop traveling... around the world... on their perpetual honeymoon/business trips... and stay put... after Japan had suddenly halted all shipping... out of Japan...!

With my going to "St. Maur's"... the Irish Catholic Convent School for Girls... and Remo going to its twin... "St. Joseph's School for Boys" ... - still in existence today - as day scholars... with Prima... at fifteen... being too old for the Convent...

These two Catholic educational facilities... were the only ones... left in Yokohama... that had not been forced... by the Japanese government... to close down their doors... during the War...

Which Hell would have been worse for me...? The Hell of daily being tortured... mentally... and physically... by Papa Rau... after his determination... to make a world class athletic champion out of me... had to be given up... because of my weak heart...?

Resorting instead... to jeering taunting... of my brainlessness... derisively calling me a "dumb cluck"... after I failed to give him the correct answers... to his impossible mathematical questions...

Plus enduring daily... his authoritarian demands... for absolute obedience... with me living in a constant state of fear... of displeasing him...?

Becoming ever more and more aware... as I grew older... of the constant battle... the poor man had to deal with...:

His perpetual conflict... between his adoration... for his neurotic... fiercely possessive... Russian wife Xenia... and his secret love... for his “darling Nadia...”... towards whom... on very rare occasions... displays of his kind behavior... Xenia could not abide seeing...?

Or the insidiousness... of living in the Hell... of a country gone mad... with its crazy ideology... of creating a perfect Aryan race... a world populated... with nothing but ideal... golden-haired... blue-eyed specimens... of physically... and mentally superior... perfect human beings...?

I would like to believe that... since I have always abhorred violence... of any kind... the sight of blood... always making me feel instantly faint with nausea... I would have fought fiercely... against the pervasive evil... that was rapidly casting its malevolent Shadow...... sweeping across Germany... and Europe... and being sucked into the vortex... of insane Hitler... and his dangerous... mentally deranged... psychopathic... drunk with power minions...!

As soon as the Rau family... had arrived safely in Zurich... in March... 1942... Prima had been able to successfully correspond with Mummie... in South Africa... But when she relocated to Germany... in 1945... we had lost all contact with her... despite frantic efforts... to learn of her whereabouts... through the Red Cross... So that... in effect... there had been no word from her... for at least five years...!

And it was only after Papa and Xenia... went back to Japan... after the War... in 1947... with me being sent to England... for secretarial training... that Prima... in 1949... had finally managed to locate her... through the Red Cross... in Rothenburg... Bavaria... a charming little town... near Munich... where she was living... and working for the American Occupation Forces... with her youngest son Hans... away in a boarding school...

The enormous shock... of Papa’s betrayal... in sending me off to England... thereby callously breaking his promise... to send me to Italy... for further operatic voice training... if I did well in school... which I did... working very hard... caused me to lose my singing voice... completely... for the next four years...!

We found out... I am ashamed to say... on Papa's behalf... that while Papa and Xenia... were still living in Zurich... Papa had made every effort... to thwart his elder children's attempts... to trace their mother’s whereabouts... through the Red Cross... by using his considerable influence... with the Swiss authorities... labeling her as "an unfit mother"... fiercely determined... at all costs... to keep his ex wife... separated from her children...!

Chapter 7
Mummie’s Tzi-Tzi Darling Daughter... Is Tested By Her Adored Mother... To Give Up SUBUD... Claiming It Is Of The Devil... And Not From God...! In The One And Only Letter... She Has Ever Written To Her...!

Shortly after being Gloriously Inwardly “Opened...”... and “Awakened...”... into the Miracle of SUBUD... through my beloved soul mate... Richard... on the Magical Sunday of February 12th... when my mother’s birthday was about to come up... later on that month... on the 27th... filled with the awareness... of the Great Holy Life Force... of my Heavenly Father... Constantly... and Gently Vibrating... inside my being... the only... and best birthday present... her Tzi-Tzi darling daughter... could think of... to offer her adored Mummie... was this recent... most incredible Great Blessing... that Had Come into her life...!

So... Glowing inside her being... standing at one of the counters... in the Johannesburg Post Office... she wrote to her mother... on a postcard... letting her know... that of all the birthday presents... she could think of... to give her... the Miracle of SUBUD... was by far... the Only One...!

And knowing that her mother... would be away in Cape Town... for at least six months... attending the parliament sessions... on behalf of the Italian Embassy... she suggested... that she contact the well established... Cape Town SUBUD Center...

And to Tzi-Tzi’s utter amazement... within a week... there was a reply from Cape Town... awaiting her... when she got home from work...!

And as Tzi-Tzi... totally overwhelmed... read the only letter... that her mother... had ever written to her... in her thirty one years of life... in this world... and in her own handwriting... no less... she was thoroughly bowled over... and even more so... by its pages and pages... of revealing contents...!

Not only reading terrible words... denigrating SUBUD... telling her darling Tzi-Tzi... that SUBUD... was of the devil... and not from God... and to please trust what your Mammie is telling you... but then telling me... for the first time... in my life... how precious a child of God I was... because I was born... on the very special... Holy Day of Easter...!

And I also learned... for the very first time... that the name she had given me... Graziella... meant “Little Grace of God...”! And that she had given me that very significant... special name... because of the fact... that I was born on an Easter Sunday...!

But in that long handwritten letter... full of brand new revelations... imprinted on creamy... thick white paper... embossed with her noble family crest... at the top of each page... she did not elaborate... further...

She did not tell me... that my birth... had actually been Miraculous... because of her accidentally swallowing a bottle of lye mixture... towards the end of her ninth month... which... instead of congealing inside her... Had Been Regurgitated out of her... by Almighty God... after she fell to her knees... in great fear of His Wrath... fervently begging her Dio's Forgiveness... for having tried to get rid of me... whilst growing in her reluctant womb...!

That soul-deep confession... and all her resentments... and suppressed hatred... towards the embarrassing thorn in her side... Was Made to Spew out of her... during her “It Must Out” Period... after her darling Tzi-Tzi... got her mother’s Inner self... “Awakened...” ... and “Opened...” ... into the Glorious Miracle of SUBUD... a few years later...!

However... my adored Mummie’s impassioned letter... although very enlightening... did not sway me... in the slightest... And if it was a Test... from my Heavenly Father... whether I would be influenced... by my adored mother... and give up SUBUD... then it was a Test... that I passed... with flying colors...

For there was the very real Actuality... the Divine Proof... of first experiencing a Strange Kind of Flutter... Flitting Across The Inside Of My Chest... when I uttered the Holy Word "SUBUD"... for the very first time in my life... in the Presence of an Angel of God... while living in Bulawayo... Southern Rhodesia...!

(That Momentous... Incredibly Blessed Spiritual Experience... together with my dearest friend and protector Dimitri... who Experienced an Explosion inside his chest... when he uttered the Holy Word of SUBUD... for the very first time in his life... is fully described in this book... under Part 3 ... Chapter 22... as well as in my Spiritual Odyssey... "From Seven Hells... To Seventh Heaven... SUBUD..."... presently being re-edited... for the very last time...)

And then about a year and a half later... Distinctly Feeling the Gentle Vibration... of the Great Holy Life Force... of my Heavenly Father... Almighty God... Continuously... And Gently Pulsating... inside me... ever since the moment... my Inner self... was “Awakened...” and “Opened...”... into the Glorious Miracle of SUBUD... through my Beloved soul mate Richard... on that Magical Sunday... after I returned to Johannesburg South Africa...!

(That incredible... Momentous Spiritual Experience... Of Being Exceedingly Blessed... Forever and Ever... By My Beloved Creator... My Heavenly Father... is fully described... in "Seven Hells...")

Therefore... no single solitary soul... on earth... not even my adored mother... would have the power... to dissuade me... from following... what I knew... with every fiber of my being... to be the last Wonderful... and Blessed Road to Salvation... for me... a True Path... straight back to my Beloved Creator...

This Wonderful Miraculous... Heavenly Grace... which is available... absolutely free of charge... because Almighty God Has No Need for money... also to all those Specially Chosen... Blessed souls... Found Worthy... in the Eyes of God... their Creator... to Receive His Great Holy Life Force... through the Glorious Miracle of SUBUD...

Those exceedingly fortunate... Blessed by God souls... who Will Be Tapped On Their Shoulders... by Special Angels of God... And Thus Guided... By Them... To Click Onto The Holy Website... Called "Subud Stories..." ... which is easily accessible... through the icon "HOME"... shown here... at the top of the page...

Chapter 8
The Violent Sexual Ravishment... Of Innocent... Virginal... Fifteen Year Old Vera Quarta Turin... By Twice Older... Theodore Rau...!

The shocking segment... of the Karma... between my mother... Contessa Vera Quarta Turin... and Theodore Rau... began when she was barely fifteen... and it is a heart-rending story... of a terrifying... violent sexual ravishment... resulting in a cold Marriage Contract... arranged between her formidable "Nonna" (grandmother)... who ruled her five granddaughters' lives... with an iron fist... and him... a prominent Swiss businessman... twice her age...!

The terms of marriage negotiated over... while her fourth granddaughter was away... from her palazzo home... in Turin Italy... totally oblivious of the fact that... while she was dutifully becoming educated... at a Catholic convent school for girls... in Paris France... where she had been cloistered... since the age of five... a year after her mother passed on... her Nonna... was insidiously plotting... the course of her future...!

Apparently... her future husband... had been instantly smitten... by Vera’s exceptionally tall... exquisite beauty... when he first laid eyes on her... in the dining room of the pension... where... in her fifteenth year... she was spending her summer vacation... with her Nonna... in Ticino... the picturesque Italian/Swiss county... in the south of Switzerland... the year before...

Instantly overwhelmed... and captivated... by her extraordinary... Madonna-like beauty... wanting to possess it... make her his own... the man...Theodore... who was also there... on vacation... told his impatient heart to be patient... bide his time... wait for an opportunity... when he would find her alone... without her tiresome chaperone... with her sharp black eyes... always hovering over her...

Lo and behold... his prudence was rewarded... for on a sunny afternoon... he happened to espy the breathtaking creature... as she lay fast asleep... on a long... wide bench... in the hotel garden...!

And seeing her lying there... so vulnerable... with her eyes closed... he noticed how delicately her long eyelashes... shadowed her olive-tinted pale cheeks... as if caressing them... and how her shiny... waist-long... jet black hair... curled thickly... around her budding... pointed breasts... and how they strained against the constricting black material of the bodice... that covered them up to the young girl's soft throat...

Fascinated by the gentle swell of her bosom... rising and falling evenly... he knew that she was totally unaware... that she was being closely scrutinized... by a comparative stranger...

Becoming excited at the thought... that he was intruding on her moment of innocent privacy... he watched her slumber on... noticing how shapely her exceptionally tall... slender form lay... in its sweet repose...

And then... as he gazed down at her... an involuntary unconscious movement... hitched her long skirts up... and he saw how exceptionally long... and beautifully slim... her legs were... as they now lay bare... to above mid-calf... delighted that her limbs were not encased in stockings...

And then... mesmerized... holding his breath... he saw them spread slowly apart... as one of her long legs... slowly drifted down to the ground... as if invitingly...!

The combination of her enticing... sweet innocence of look... and the way in which her limbs were now sprawling... in seeming abandoned wantonness... as if dreaming of yielding herself ardently... to some phantom lover... became too much for him...

And with the blood roaring in his ears... and his passions thoroughly aroused... throwing all caution to the winds... with his tumescent sex pulsing... and engorged... demanding release... he had pounced upon her recumbent body...!

Vera Quarta... being the fourth daughter... of Conte Carlo and Contessa Francesca Turin... together with her five sisters... had been brought up... under the strictest supervision... by her stern grandmother... Nonna... because... when her mother passed on... when she was only four... her father... inconsolable with grief... had left his family... to roam the world... leaving the upbringing... of his six daughters... to his mother...

So that... between her stern Nonna... of whom she was terrified... and the grim... humorless nuns... at the Catholic convent... Vera... at the age of barely fifteen... was naturally innocent... in every respect...

And when she was rudely awakened from sleep... by the sensation... of powerful hands... tearing roughly at her clothing... she became extremely frightened... having no idea... whatsoever... that her virginal body... was about to be ravished...!

Alarmed at being bodily attacked... she now recognized him... as the gentleman... she had daily seen seated... at his table... across the dining room... whom she had thought to be quite handsome... with his curly... golden blond hair... and brilliant... emerald green eyes...

He had given her little secret smiles... whenever her Nonna... was looking the other way... and would not notice... how he made the blood rush to her cheeks... and her body tingle all over... in an unfamiliar... exciting way... and how his intimate glances... made her pulse quicken...

And now... thoroughly alarmed... she tried to voice her protest... and was about to scream for help... when he thrust his hand over her mouth... choking back her cry... at the same time... keeping a firm grip on the leg... resting on the ground...!

His face was beet-red... and there was a glittery expression... in his blazing green eyes... that she had never seen in a man's eyes before... and the way they fiercely bore into hers... petrified her... accelerating the beating of her pounding heart...

She tried to beg for mercy... but could not utter a single word... for her throat had closed up with fright...!

Frantic... she looked all around her... her terrified eyes searching... her ears straining to hear footsteps... coming along the garden path... hoping and praying... that somebody would come to this remote part of the garden... and save her from her terrible predicament...

But nobody came to her aid... It was as if she... and this wild... barely human-looking man... were the only two people... in the whole wide world...!

All around them... it was hushed and still... not even the song of a bird... could be heard... and the hot summer air... was thick... with the sweet... cloying scent... of pink and yellow blossoms... growing in profusion... in the bushes nearby...

As all these realizations... assailed Vera's frozen senses... she continued struggling against her assailant... But it soon became apparent to her that... although she was exceptionally tall for her age... her strength was no match for his... And since there wasn't a single solitary soul... about to come to her assistance... for it was siesta time... it would be useless for her to resist him any further...

So sending up a fervent prayer to her Dio mio... for help... clutching the crucifix tightly... around her neck... she closed her eyes shut tight... feeling she was about to faint... and hoped that the handsome man... would not hurt her...

Then she became aware of his heavy... ragged breathing... and the sound of his panting... made her heart pound with terror... all over again...!

Suddenly she felt the heavy weight of his body... lying right on top of her... making her cry out in pain... as her spine was pressed down... into the hard surface of the iron bench... underneath her back...

Then she felt her long skirt being wrenched up... as he... with his free hand... was forcefully pushing her panties down... then her long legs wide apart...!

And as she lay there... with her right leg still on the ground... petrified to the depths of her soul... hardly daring to breathe... something hot and wet... was thrusting against the naked flesh... of her private parts... between her widely spread out legs...

And then... just as she thought she would die of shock... oh Dio mio... she felt something huge and hot... pushing itself inside her... filling up her whole body... hurting so excruciatingly... that tears sprang to her eyes... and she wanted to scream...

But his hand was still held over her mouth... And then the hurting thing... was suddenly withdrawn... and she breathed a sigh of relief... But an instant later... it was back inside her once again...!

And so it went on and on... for the longest time... as if something enormous... was pumping in and out of her body...!

And each time it was back inside her... it was becoming less and less painful... and then became an odd tingly feeling... that made her whole body shudder...!

Then the man on top of her reared up... his whole body shaking... and he let out a great shout... nearly scaring her out of her wits...

Vera was so petrified... that she dare not open her eyes... not even when the hand... was removed from her mouth... and the heavy weight... was lifted from her throbbing body... And by the time she dared to take a peek... keeping her eyes half-shut... to her enormous relief... he had vanished...

For a moment... Vera lay there... unable to move... then a strange kind of languorous weakness... stole all over her body... making it tremble... She felt strangely calm... then noticed how her dress... was clinging to her body... making her feel uncomfortably hot and sticky...

She wondered whether she had dreamt the amazing thing... that had just transpired... but then felt a trickle... down the inside of her thigh... and saw a thin line of blood... slowly coursing down her leg...!

And she knew... deep inside the Spiritually aware... Pisces self of her... that something extremely Momentous... had just happened to her... and that from now on... she would be changed forever...!

And she cried out to God... in the stilled hush of the afternoon... the tears now streaming from her eyes...:

"Oh Dio mio...! It was not a dream... after all... I have been violated... and by a man... whom I have not even yet been properly introduced to...!"

And suddenly overcome... with a great wave of shame... she began to weep uncontrollably... over her lost innocence... now... at the tender age of barely fifteen... irretrievably gone forever...!

Later on... back in the safety of her hotel room... relieved that nobody had seen her run up the stairs... with her bodice all torn... and her waist long hair all disheveled... very glad to find her Nonna still on her bed... deep in sleep... snoring her head off... she crept past her... toward the sanctity of the little toilet room...

Sitting on the toilet seat... in the small room... still trembling uncontrollably... she carefully examined herself... her heart pounding in trepidation... and was very relieved to see... that the bleeding had stopped...

Then... wanting to be rid of her shame... she tiptoed back to the shared bedroom... very carefully picked up the enormous basin... and pitcher of water... and cake of soap... standing on the side table... and returning with them... to the toilet... sat down on it... and managed to use a bath towel... to wash herself with... in the confined space...

Trembling... she rubbed herself vigorously... between her legs... desperately wanting to wash away... all the now uncomfortably sticky evidence... of her violent ravishment... praying all the while... that her Nonna would not wake up... and discover the shameful thing... she was doing...

For the rest of that momentous afternoon... while Vera surreptitiously sewed the buttons back... onto her torn bodice... all mercifully retrieved... from around the bench... very aware... as she worked... that there was a strange kind of ache... inside her... she agonized over the likely prospect... of being forced to see her ravisher... calmly sitting at his table... in the hotel dining room... at dinner time...

Desperately trying to think up a believable excuse for Nonna... convinced that she would die of embarrassment... should the handsome stranger's eyes and hers meet... across the crowded room... she had wracked her brains... for a way out...

But all she could think about... was that strange tingly sensation... she had felt inside her body... when he had lain on top of her... marveling with wonder... at the pleasant ache... she still felt between her legs...!

When dinner time... finally rolled around... she had been enormously relieved... to see that his seat remained empty... throughout the ordeal of the meal...

And when the next day dawned... after a sleepless night of tossing and turning... troubled by vague visions of men and women... embracing passionately... floating in and out of her consciousness... whenever she closed her eyes... she did not feel rested...

Her virginal body was still plagued... with the nagging... hollow ache... still pulsing between her legs... no matter whether she closed her thighs shut tightly... or spread her long legs out wide...!

At breakfast... with him still not appearing... the realization dawned on her... that he was probably gone from the pension... for good... and she breathed a sigh of relief... but then felt a twinge of sadness... at the prospect... of never seeing the handsome stranger again... who had caused new... never felt before... reactions in her... while dining in the dining room...!

Vera decided to say nothing to her Nonna... much too frightened... and ashamed... to tell her how the handsome stranger of the dining room... had attacked her... violently robbing her of her virginity... while everyone else in the hotel... were enjoying their siestas unawares...!

She was also petrified... that Nonna would look into her eyes... and read in her expression... that she was no longer an innocent virgin... and that she had secretly enjoyed her ravishment... after it had stopped hurting... and become oddly pleasurable...

Chapter 9
At The Age Of Seven... Vera Has A Frightening Sexual Encounter... With A Catholic Priest...!

That afternoon... as young Vera took her nap... in the hotel room... afraid to go outside... to rest in the beautiful garden... and stoically putting up with her Nonna's stentorian snoring... she suddenly remembered a frightening incident... which took place... when she was about seven years old... at the Catholic convent in Paris...

There was a priest... who had come to visit the convent... and when he heard that there was a young Italian student... who already spoke several languages... becoming curious... he had summoned her to come to him...

And when he saw... with surprise... that the young girl... standing in front of him... at the office desk... was already quite beautiful... and tall for her age... with rich raven black hair... that flowed down to her waist... knowing that she was being trained... by the sisters... to be instantly obedient... and using his power of office over her... he had given her a friendly smile...

And when she trustingly smiled back at him... he had engaged her in conversation... in several different languages... and showed her... how pleased he was... that she was easily able... to converse with him... letting her know also... that the sisters had reported her to him... as being a very apt pupil...

Noticing that young Vera... was becoming quite at ease with him... as they conversed with each other... at one point... he beckoned for her to come closer...

And with no sense of fear... thinking that the priest was being very fatherly towards her... showing great interest... in her scholastic achievements... without any hesitation... she had gone around his desk... until she was standing right in front of him...

He then held out his hands... warmly clasping hers in his... at the same time noticing... how long and slender... her fingers already were...

And giving in to a sudden urge... before Vera knew what was happening... both of her hands... were being tightly held... under his long robe...!

And lying on her bed... in the hotel room... in Ticino... Vera... at fifteen... realized... with a sense of awe... that... at seven... she had actually been forced to hold... what the handsome stranger... had put inside her yesterday...!

And recalling that frightening afternoon... with the priest... who had also suddenly cried out... just as she felt something hot and sticky... on her fingers... she now had some awareness... of what that long sausage like thing... between a man's legs... was all about...!

And just like the stranger had... yesterday... after the priest cried out... he had leapt to his feet... and quickly left the office... leaving her standing there... all alone... frightened and bewildered...

From that day onward... Vera remembered... how she had kept a very wary distance from all priests... in general... developing a great mistrust in them... on the whole... never trusting them again... no matter how friendly... or fatherly... any one of them was... towards her...!

Chapter 10
The Diabolical Marriage Contract... Arranged Between Vera's Formidable Grandmother... Nonna... And Her Ravisher... Theodore Rau...!

Imagine the shock... Vera must have felt when... upon arriving all alone by train... in Zurich... Switzerland... accompanied only by her lady in waiting... at the tender age of barely sixteen... in order to fulfill the arranged Marriage Contract... negotiated by her grandmother... to see that the man she was to marry... was none other... than the very same man... who had violated her body so roughly... only a few months before...!

Vera... suddenly ordered home... from the convent... had been told by her grandmother... that she was a very lucky girl... to have caught the eye... of a very prominent businessman... and that it was not every day... that an Italian girl... of her tender age... had the opportunity... to live in the exotic... mysterious Far East... and that she should be thankful... for the wonderful opportunity... of a good... solid marriage... that Il Signore (Almighty God) ... Had Blessed her with...!

Theodore Rau... being a Swiss national... knew perfectly well... that according to Swiss law... a female could not marry... until she reached the age of eighteen... So he had very cleverly forged his fiancée’s birth certificate... showing that she was twenty...! And since she was already five feet nine inches tall... it was easily believed... by the officials... at the Zurich City Hall Marriage Bureau... that she was of age to marry...!

Shy Vera... realizing that she really had no recourse... but to marry her ravisher... who was a good twenty years older than she was... resolved to be a good... dutiful wife... like the well-brought up... well-behaved young Italian girl... from a house of nobility... that she was...

The veil of innocence... had quickly dropped from her eyes... whilst on board ship... en route to Japan... being encouraged... by her worldly husband... to "let her gorgeous waist-length black hair down"... indulge in all kinds of libidinous excesses... wild parties... drinking... and carousing...!

After having lived such an austere... sheltered existence... with no contact... whatsoever... with any boys... let alone men... except for the holy fathers... going to school as she had... for years and years... to the French Catholic Convent School for Girls... in Paris... always closely... and strictly supervised... by the nuns... this devil-may-care... hoydenish way of life was heady... to say the least... not to mention the excitement... that her shy... extraordinary dark beauty... caused in the libidos... of the red-blooded men on board ship...!

All their singular attention... was very flattering to the young bride Vera... but she did draw the line... at the insidious... and blatantly sexual advances... of one particular woman... bent on getting her to indulge... in lascivious... lesbian acts with her...!

By the time the ship docked in Yokohama harbor... in Japan... Vera Quarta Turin Rau... was already pregnant... with her first child... intending to name her Prima Vera... meaning "the first of Vera"... and also springtime...!

Chapter 11
Sixteen Year Old... Bridal... Pregnant Vera... Is Shocked To Meet Her New Husband’s Japanese... Common Law... Geisha Wife... And Their Three Year Old Baby Daughter...!

Setting foot on Japanese soil... her new homeland... for the very first time in her life... should have been an intriguing... joyous occasion... for teenager Vera... but it was marred... by the terrible shock of discovering... that her husband already had another wife...!

All the sophistication... on board ship... had not prepared her... for the sight... upon docking... of an exquisitely beautiful... refined young Japanese woman... dressed in her traditional kimono... daintily mincing up to them... holding a cute... fair-skinned... blonde-haired... green-eyed... baby girl... in her arms...!

Reaching them... she had blushed prettily... and with much obsequious bowing... had shyly welcomed her "Teodoro-san" ... back to Nippon... greeting him reverently... as her "itoshii no Otto-san"...! (beloved husband)

And later on... Vera had suffered another shock... tinged with disgust... when her bridegroom... had callously announced to her... that they would be living together... with his baby daughter... Bertina... in the very same house... that he had previously shared... for about seven years... with his beautiful Japanese concubine... "Kimiko"...!

Without an instant's hesitation... he had heartlessly thrown his poor Japanese paramour out... an exquisitely beautiful Geisha girl... whom he had bought... seven years earlier... when she was only fifteen... after she had nursed him back to health... from a bad bout of malaria... contracted during a safari trip... in Africa...

He reassured his shocked... bewildered French/Italian young bride... that his marriage to the Japanese woman... was not legally valid... according to European standards... but where his little baby girl Bertina... was concerned... naturally he acknowledged her as his... crowing that she was his pride and joy...!

The poor beautiful woman... barely in her twenties... sloe-eyed... with jet black hair... elaborately coiled... in the traditional Japanese hair style... complete with tinkling ornaments... immaculately gowned... in a beautiful kimono... and radiating ultra femininity... and grace... would pitifully hover around the house... the house she had lived in so blissfully... for seven years... with her "itoshii" (beloved)...

And as soon as she saw her "Teodoro-san"... leave for his office... in the morning... she would timidly rap on the kitchen door... at the back of the house...

And when Vera opened it just a crack... there standing before her... would be the exquisite creature... imploring... with deferential bows... her eyes shyly cast down... to be allowed in... "Dozo" (please)... to be allowed to stay... even as Vera's "amah" (servant)...!

Her limpid black... slanted eyes beseeching... and brimming over with tears... she desperately hoped... that the heart of this beautiful young "gaikokujin" (foreigner)... would soften... so that at least she could be near her beloved "Teodoro-san"... and her "akambo musume" (baby daughter)... once again...

As modern... and as broad-minded... as young Vera... had become aboard ship... she... who herself was now swollen with child... looking most unappealing... and feeling most ungainly... could not stomach... having this beautiful... slender young woman... walking about... under the same roof... a woman who had shared her husband's bed... for the past seven years... and even conceived a child with him...!

So she had hardened her heart... turning a deaf ear... to the poor woman's tearful pleas... eventually refusing even to open the door... to her timid knocking...

In desperation... after several more vain attempts... over the next few weeks... to get back into the house... where she and her beloved "Teodoro-san"... had lived so happily and blissfully... together... Kimiko finally gave up...

Finding herself in a state of dishonor... having "lost face"... instead of blackening her teeth... and shunning contact... with other human beings... and becoming a recluse... being the traditional custom... for Japanese women... who had "lost face"... in utter despair... heart-broken young Kimiko... had chosen to take her own life... by committing hara-kiri...!

Heavy and ungainly... with her first child... Vera found that she could not bear the presence... of the little baby girl... Bertina... a constant reminder... of her husband's Japanese "wife"...!

And complaining to her husband... that she could not possibly take care of an active little child... in her present pregnant state... he acquiesced to her pleas... allowing her to make arrangements... for his baby daughter... to be sent to her favorite Zia Lucia (aunt) ... in Italy... to be raised by her...

Bertina grew up into a lovely young girl... the exact twin of the actress... Gloria Grahame... famous for her portrayal of "Ado Annie" ... in the popular musical... "Oklahoma"... (#698 of the Little Cilandak Video Library)... and over the years... her father would stop frequently... to visit her in Italy... whenever he was in Europe... on business...

We Rau children... were never told of Bertina's existence... meeting her for the very first time... when Papa went to Italy... after the War... to fetch her... and bring her back with him... to live with us in Zurich...! She spoke only Italian and French... and it was a wonderful opportunity for us... to try out our rusty French on her...

Although she showed no traces... outwardly... that Japanese blood... flowed in her veins... she did exhibit the uniquely oriental trait of slyness... and enigmatic secretiveness... She subsequently married a Yugoslavian aeronautics engineer... whose plane had been forced to land... while accidentally flying off course... over Switzerland...

He had gone to the Polytechnikum... to take an engineering refresher course... during his forced detention... and had met Bertina... who preferred to be called Berta... who was taking a course in oil painting... in which she displayed exceptional talent...

Today... as far as I know... they are living in Belgrade... with their two sons that I know of... The last time I ever saw her... was shortly before I left Zurich... to join Mummie... in South Africa... in 1951... a few months past my twenty-first birthday... when she was in Zurich... visiting Prima...

Chapter 12
Vera Discovers Her Natural Prowess... On The Tennis Courts... And Five Years Later... Just As She Officially Becomes La Contessa... She Meets Englishman Arthur Cannon... The Love Of Her Life...!

Life in Japan... as a foreigner... was very different... from the strictly regulated existence... that Vera Quarta... had known in Italy... and France...

And with the easy birth of her first born... behind her... she quickly became the darling... of the Country Club set... basking in the admiration... that her exceptional beauty evoked... and even more so... when she exhibited such skill... on the tennis courts... her height... and exceptionally long legs... no doubt... a great contributing asset... becoming a champion... many times over... winning many cups and trophies... in singles and doubles tournaments...!

Her husband Theodore... was often away... taking care of his many business interests... all over the world... but he did manage to impregnate his teenage wife again... almost immediately after the birth... of their first baby... so that she was frequently left on her own... with her now two children... daughter... Prima Vera... and son... Remo Guido... born less than a year after Prima...!

For about five years... Vera endured the frequent... long absences away from home... of her husband abroad... on extended business trips... leaving her children... in the care of various amahs... consoling herself... with casual flirtations... with the eagerly willing men... at the Country Club... happily basking... in their awed admiration... and thrilling to their flattering compliments... which greatly enhanced her awareness... of being an alluring... desirable female...

That is to say... until the fateful day... when she met an Englishman... one Arthur Cannon... when she had finally blossomed into womanhood... at the age of twenty-one... and now become a proud... tall... exquisitely beautiful "Contessa"... through and through... surprising herself... by falling deeply in love... for the very first time in her life...!

He was tall and handsome... with golden blond hair... and sky blue eyes... and was graceful in manner... and bearing... a bone fide English gentleman... from the picturesque county of Surrey... He had recently been transferred to Japan... by his employers... the Ford Motor Company... together with his neurotic wife... and three small daughters...

Vera had always felt... as if she was just a beautiful possession... to her husband Theodore... who had bought her with money... never knowing real tenderness... from him... never feeling truly loved by him...

But Arthur Cannon aroused feelings inside her... that no man had ever kindled before...!

It was also the very first time... that Arthur had fallen deeply in love... and it had happened... at the very moment... when his azure blue eyes... and her jet black eyes met... and locked... for a long... long moment... at the Yokohama Country & Athletic Club Saturday Night Dance...

And from that time on... they had quickly become inseparable... finding that they shared the same beliefs and opinions... in just about anything... and everything... they talked about... confiding secrets to one another... that they had never shared... with anyone else... ever before... quickly forging a deep... strong bond of undying love... between them...

Arthur adored... and worshipped... his beloved Vera... making her feel very cherished... bringing out her femininity... as no man ever had before...

The fact that they were both married... with young children of their own... made very little difference to them... for they were thoroughly committed to... and wrapped up in each other... oblivious to anything... or anybody else... around them... just dreaming of the day... when their children would be old enough... to bear the pain of a divorce... and its upheaving consequences...

Of course... living in a comparatively small white community... they had had to plan their secret assignations... very carefully... and would often arrange to meet each other... clandestinely... in some of the most beautifully romantic remote spots... plentiful throughout the breadth and width of the breathtaking countryside of Japan...

One of their favorite places... was on top of a cliff... called "Dai-shichi no Kami"... (Seventh Heaven)... where they felt that... if they reached out their arms... they could touch Heaven... feeling ecstatically certain... that God Was Smiling down upon them... in Divine Approval... of their perfect love for each other...

Chapter 13
Yours Truly... The Innocent Love-child... Is Blissfully Conceived... In Adultery... On Top Of The Cliff Called “Dai-shichi No Kami...” (Seventh Heaven) ... Being A Drowned Nipponese Soul... Determined To Immediately Reincarnate... To Be Reunited With Her Beloved "Itoshii" Soul Mate...!

And that is where I... their adulterous love child... was conceived... on a beautiful... starlit night of tenderness... about three months... after Arthur and Vera met...!

Curiously enough... as a child... I had always felt a peculiar "pull"... to climb up this particular cliff... and whenever I did... walking along its edge... I "knew"... somehow... the exact spot... where... if I just stepped out into space... it was right there... where I had re-entered into this world... in this lifetime...!

I never took anybody up there with me... - not even my dear... sweet boyfriend... Guido - for I had a strange Inner feeling... that "Dai-Shichi no Kami" ... was my very own special... secret... and sacred place... not to be shared with any other... single solitary soul... ever...!

By the same token... it is a curious fact... that every time... I saw the bottom of the looming... overhanging cliff... ever since the first time Papa took me rowing past it... when I was barely five... a nameless terror... would inexplicably grip me... shaking me to my very core... the alarming rocking of the little boat... accentuating my fears... as I noticed... that it was always threateningly dark there...!

And as I saw the outcropping... of the stone platform... with its heavy chain... I would always experience... a funny kind of buzzing... in my head... faint away into unconsciousness... and "see" myself... chained to the iron stake... that jutted out of it... "seeing" myself drowning there... reliving the horror... my body convulsing... as I helplessly watch the relentless tide rising... inexorably... then washing over my head...!

When I came to... Papa would be very annoyed with me... calling me a sissy... jeeringly asking how on earth it was... that I could allow myself... to be so frightened of the waves... pounding against the rising cliff face... to the point of making me faint... promising me that we would be returning to this area... again and again... until I overcame my terror of it... for he would tolerate no weaklings... living under his roof...!

The reason why Papa started to bring me there... to the bottom of the cliff... is because he became very aware... of my screaming nightmares... when I was about four... going on five...!

And in understanding every word... I was crying out... because it was in high class... Hiragana Japanese... he would hear me describing my terror of being drowned... there at the bottom of the cliff... called “Dai-Shichi no Kami...”

And becoming very intrigued... to investigate the place for himself... he would take me there with him... to see what would happen...!

But each time he brought me there... to that God-forsaken... terrifying place... which the rays of the bright sun... never reached... I would invariably faint... during which time... more and more of my previous lifetime... would unfold... until I "saw" the whole picture of myself...!

As a young Nipponese court lady... born of a noble... prominent Shogun family who... having fallen in love with a foreigner... from England... and becoming betrothed to him... was ultimately betrayed by him... when he became smitten... by her younger... exquisitely beautiful “itoko” (cousin)... thus causing her to "lose face"... and bringing shameful disgrace... to her family...

And when she found out... that her "itoshii" beloved... had suddenly mysteriously died... quite certain... that some members of her family... had poisoned him... for having brought disgrace... and shame... upon them... heart-broken... and no longer wanting to be alive... without her beloved "seishin no nakama" (soul mate)... she had had herself drowned... by one of her loyal “jochus”! (handmaidens)...

And my Papa... recently having become a fervent Christian Scientist... and firmly believing in reincarnation... like so many Orientals naturally did... had secretly investigated... all that I had divulged... in my screaming nightmares... and verified... that the terrible tragedy had happened... learning about the betrothal... of a young daughter... of a prominent... noble Shogun family... to a young Englishman... in 1929...!

An interesting fact... that truth is stranger than fiction... upon meeting each other... again... in this lifetime... in 1961... and instantly recognizing each other... knowing that... since I had given up my life for him... in my last incarnation... he would now have to give up his life for me... in turn... in this lifetime... thus obeying the irrefutable "Law of Cause and Effect"... he had made a fervent plea to Almighty God...

He... known as Richard Lacey... had already been Inwardly "Awakened...”... and “Opened..."... into the glorious Miracle of SUBUD... by the founder of SUBUD... Bapak himself... when he met him at Coombe Springs... in England... in 1957... when SUBUD first came to the Western World...

And Bapak had commissioned him... to spread this great Blessing of God... throughout South Africa... to thousands of souls... White... Colored... and even Black... which was very dangerous... with the strictly enforced "Apartheid" system... where Whites and Blacks... were forbidden to socialize with each other... during the 1950’s... and on into the 60’s... and he had fearlessly... and gladly done so...

And when we were reunited... in this lifetime... in 1961... he had surrendered himself to Almighty God... asking Him... whether he could be the channel... to pass on to me... The Spiritual Contact of His Great Holy Life Force... thus introducing me to the Glorious SUBUD Way of Life... and living... instead of sacrificing his own life for me... and God Had Given him His Merciful Permission... to do so...

Although Richard and I... never once touched upon the sensitive subject... of our intimate involvement... with each other... from that previous Japanese incarnation... one day... to my great surprise... he presented me with a beautiful poem... in which he described our tragic love story... even the terrible scene... where I had drowned... at the base of the cliff... called "Dai-Shichi no Kami"...!

Ending his poignant poem... with the hope that we would be able to go back to Japan... together one day... and visit our gravesites...!

Years later... during several Latihan Kejiwaans... I Was Given... An Incredibly Enlightening... SUBUD Revelation... where the Momentous Event... of my reincarnation... into this lifetime... Was Verified...!

And I Was Shown... exactly how... and where... I had re-entered this world... in this lifetime... and just as I “knew”... as a very young girl... it was on top of the cliff... called “Dai-Shichi no Kami...”!

And What Was Revealed to me... Was the Scenario of how... dying heart-broken... as my spirit left my body... and floated upwards... towards Heaven... the longing for my beloved soul mate... was so strong inside me... that I longed to be reincarnated... right away... so that I could be reunited with him... somehow "knowing"... that he had some Karma to fulfill... regarding myself... and would also be reincarnated... right away...!

So that when I saw the ardent lovers... entwined in each other’s arms... on top of the cliff... believing that the beautiful young woman was Japanese... just like myself... because... in the bright fullness of the moon... her skin was yellowish... and her long flowing hair... jet black... my longing soul... had entered her body... at the very moment... when the handsome man reached his climax... pouring all of his love... into his beloved...!

Chapter 14
A Terrible... Fatal Public Scandal... Surrounds The Star-crossed Lovers... Arthur And Vera... Poignantly... And Permanently... Separating Them...!

When Vera told her beloved lover... Arthur... that their union was being blessed... with a love-child... he had been delirious with joy... and had crooned his favorite song... "My Blue Heaven"... to her... in a light... pleasing tenor voice... lovingly transposing the words of the part... "...and Molly and me..." to: "... And Vera and me... and baby makes three..."

That song... and "When Day is Done"... became "their" very special songs... and it became very clear to Vera... that the love of her life... like her... was just as unhappy... feeling just as lonely... unfulfilled... and empty... in his marriage... as she now was... in her enforced one...

She knew that he had been trying his best... for years... to cope with a nagging... neurotic... obsessive wife who... although quite pretty... was sadly plagued... with a very low self-esteem... having very little self-confidence... always suspicious... and jealous of anybody... her genial... friendly husband... came into contact with...

And particularly nasty to him... whenever he returned home... from a business trip abroad... even though he had spent a number of years... patiently reassuring her... that he was a faithful husband... trying... for the sake of his young children... in particular... to boost the low opinion... she had of herself... She was also given to bouts of deep depression... that lasted for weeks on end...

But alas... the bubble of Arthur and Vera's blissful dream world... was doomed to burst... eventually... for the white community... in which they both circulated... was small... and their affair was bound to become public knowledge... sooner or later...

And it did... a few days later... at the very next Saturday Night Club Dance... when Arthur's poor... distraught... neurotic wife... upon learning of her husband's infidelity with Vera Rau... had made a scene in public... right in the middle of the dance floor... making a piteous spectacle of herself... publicly denouncing them... and vociferously hurling venomous epithets at them...!

Pointing an accusing finger... at the lovers... who... oblivious of their surroundings... danced together... locked tightly in each other's arms... tenderly gazing into each other's eyes... lost in their very own dream world of love... she had shouted and screamed... at the top of her voice... for everybody to hear... spluttering...:

"That decadent harlot... and despicable home wrecker... she... the Italian seductress.... she has ruined my life...!"

And then... before everybody's astonished gaze... and before anybody could stop her... she had dramatically whipped out a gun from her purse... and swiftly putting it up to her temple... had shot herself dead in the head...!

There was a huge scandal... that erupted throughout the community... the tongues wagging non-stop... the gossip mongers... slavering over the juicy details... of the notorious love triangle... all their sympathies... going to the poor... betrayed... innocent wife... the badly wronged spouse... who had taken the only way out... to end her misery... with the public condemning Arthur and Vera... as sinful adulterers...

The Club members' accusing glances... and scathing remarks... directed at the adulterous couple... and their constant complaining about them... had forced the management... to ultimately ostracize them... from the Country Club... in shame and disgrace...

Furthermore... the Japanese "shinbun" (newspapers) ... had had a field day with the scandal... denouncing "those wealthy... decadent foreigners... and their fornicating ways"... blazing the names of Arthur... his wife Margaret... and Vera Rau... in glaring headlines...!

When Theodore Rau returned to Japan... shortly thereafter... from a short business trip abroad... walking straight into the shameful scandal... involving his wife... he was furious... that her love affair... had become public knowledge...

Since they had been living... in an "open marriage"... for some years... by then... their extra marital affairs... were known to each other... so that in this instance... his wife's affair... with Arthur Cannon... was no secret to him...

In fact... she had frankly told him... how deeply she had fallen in love... this time... asking him to please refrain from sleeping with her... since he himself... had numerous lovers... all over the world... anyway... and surely it would matter little to him...

But his male ego... had got the better of him... and he had insisted on exercising his conjugal legal right... to continue having sexual relations with her... reminding her of his need... to engage in sexual intercourse regularly... thoroughly convinced... that it was most healthy for the physique... and wellbeing of a man...

There had been a bitter confrontation between them... especially when Vera told him... that she was pregnant... and was not sure now... whose child she was carrying... because he had insisted on continuing to sleep with her... even after she had begged him not to...!

Working himself up into a rage... because there was a scandal... tainting his good name... not only throughout the White community... but further into his Japanese business associations... as well... Theodore had uncustomarily lashed out at his wife... calling her all the filthiest names under the sun... swearing that no adulterous whore... was going to live under his roof... and eat off his table...!

And trembling with fury... at his careless wife... Theodore had suddenly whipped out his gun... trying to aim it at the scandalous thing... growing in her belly... and shot at her...!

And Vera... standing almost as tall as he was... horrified... that he was shooting at her... had instinctively crossed her hands... over her abdomen... so that the deadly bullet... grazed her arm...

All the while her husband ranted and raved at her... he conveniently forgot the fact... that he himself had long ago... resumed having his own love affairs... with numerous women... including geishas... insisting to his wife... that he needed many women... to satisfy his frequent sexual urges... starting soon after he married her... when she was only sixteen... while she was pregnant with their first child... Prima Vera...!

This "open" marriage of theirs... with both of them... indulging in casual love affairs... had been going on for years and years... and during all that time... he had never given a single thought to the fact... that he himself had been... and still was... being unfaithful to his own wife... long before she and Arthur... had even met each other...!

Then calming down a little... and coming to his senses... relieved... that the bullet had only grazed her arm... he let her know... in no uncertain terms... as the blood dripped down it... that he was washing his hands of her...

Acting outraged... Theodore told his wife... that this time... he was not going to pay for her Japanese abortion... as he had... so many times in the past...!

And that... as punishment... for bringing scandal... to his good name... she deserved nothing better... than to "get rid of the brat”... in her homeland... Italy... that most Catholic of countries...!

When a dazed... slightly wounded Vera protested... pleading with her husband... that her young children... Prima and Remo... would be needing her... he had cruelly dismissed her anguished concern for them... by stating that they would be installed... in an excellent boarding school... at the Canadian Academy... during her absence... and how it would do them good... to get some discipline... in their lives... since she had been spoiling them rotten... for far too long... and the time had now come... for him to put a stop to it...!

Then he coldly informed her... that he would arrange for a Letter of Credit... for her... during her time in Italy...

Vera had tried desperately to contact Arthur... to tell him that she was leaving for Italy... but he was impossible to reach... going through his own share of the shameful scandal... that was now rocking his life...

But somehow... he found out that his beloved Vera... would be sailing away... and the last glimpse she had of him... was seeing him coming after her... in his little rowboat... as she stood way up above... holding on to the railing... of the ocean liner... thrilled to see him... watching... with tears blurring her eyes... how he was trying... with all of his might... to keep up with the big ship... that was taking his beloved away from him... standing up precariously... shouting up to her... how much he loved her... waving frantically at her... with his white handkerchief... for as long as he could...

Her heart breaking... aching and longing for her lover... the further away the ship took her... from the shores of Japan... all the while... she desperately tried to convince herself... over and over... during the long... long sea voyage... that the now most unwelcome child... she was carrying... must be that bastard Theo's... and not her sweetheart Arthur's... after all...!

And the thought began to grow inside twenty-one year old... imperiously proud Contessa Vera... to abort the now loathsome... embarrassing thing... that was inexorably growing inside her... as quickly as possible... after arriving in Italy... just like her husband wanted her to... so that she could rush back to the waiting arms... of her beloved Arthur...!

Chapter 15
Heartsick... And Publicly Humiliated... Imperiously Proud... Young Contessa Vera’s Seven Months... Of Excruciating... Festering... Agony... Banished By Her Husband... Home To Italy... To "Get Rid Of The Brat"... Is Shamefully Hidden Away... In Her Zia Lucia's House... In Genoa... After Her Attempts... To Abort Her Now Loathed... And Despised... Love Child... Fail...!

Finally arriving in Italy... all the long while... longing for her beloved Arthur... Vera had wasted no time... and began immediately seeking the services... of a doctor... to induce a miscarriage...!

However... although she hunted high and low... amid doctors... midwives... and when unsuccessful... in sheer desperation... even among medical students... to abort the now loathed two month old fetus... developing in her womb... even offering huge sums of money... for the dirty deed... had ultimately to give up her frantic quest... because... for some strange reason... nobody was willing... to undertake the legally forbidden task... of performing an abortion on her... no matter how much money... she offered them...!

Realizing that she was being forced to stay in Italy... after all... she resigned herself... to wait out the seven months... until she gave birth to the now most definitely unwanted child...

For close to eight long months... secretly cooped up in her favorite Zia Lucia’s house... the days and nights had dragged on and on... interminably... and being an extremely proud and self-centered young woman of twenty-one... Vera had spent interminable hours... and hours... brooding over her misfortune...

And the resentment... and bitterness... towards her increasingly protruding stomach... had festered inside her... growing and growing... even as the life form in her womb... was growing... and growing...

And as her body got bigger and bigger... and heavier and heavier... so did her loathing towards the baby... inside her womb... grow... and develop... and take shape... bigger and bigger... and heavier and heavier... the longer she suffered being kept away... from her beloved Arthur...

The only treasured memento she had of him... was his precious photograph... and she would lovingly talk... and coo to it... for hours on end... while at the same time... her bitter resentment... towards the loathsome thing... growing in her belly... eventually became a dark... brooding cloud... that mushroomed inside her... filling every corner of her heart... spreading like poison... throughout her entire being...!

Secretly hoping... that the more she directed her venomous hatred... towards the despised fetus... developing in her body... cursing and swearing at it... the more likely she would abort naturally... and soon... so that she could fly back to the waiting arms of her lover... once again... for whom she pined... with increasingly unbearable longing... with each exasperatingly slow... passing day...

In seeking shelter in secret... with her favorite aunt... Zia Lucia... who lived in Genoa... at the time... and who was raising Bertina... who was now a young girl of eight... Vera had lived in constant dread... of being discovered... by her formidable grandmother... Nonna... under whose thumb... she had lived in terror... ever since her mother had died when she... christened Vera Quarta (Vera the Fourth)... was only four years old...

She lived in mortal fear... that Nonna would be bound to hear of her scandalous... adulterous love affair... with a married man with young children... and that she would most certainly look down upon her with utter disdain...

No doubt... raining scathing epithets... upon her bowed-down-with-shame head... damning her soul to Hell... for all Eternity... and even going so far as to denounce her... as one of her cherished granddaughters... maybe even banishing her... from her sight... for all time to come...!

Quite convinced... that her Nonna would go to the extreme of disowning her... Vera cowered in ever increasing apprehension... in Zia Lucia’s house...

For she well remembered... how Nonna had raised her six granddaughters... with an iron hand... in the spatial... opulent... Turin palazzo... in Torino... doling out harsh... precise discipline to them... in military-like fashion...

In her heart-broken loneliness... she recalled... with poignant nostalgia... how her father... Conte Carlo Turin... had been inconsolable with grief... after his beloved young wife... Francesca died...

And how he had abandoned his six daughters... to his mother's care... leaving his country of birth... for long... sporadic absences... traveling the world... far and wide... squandering his vast fortune on gambling... women... and other excesses... and his daughter Vera... who had always looked up to her handsome father... with adoring eyes... had sadly seen very little of him... while growing up...

Although he had never returned... without some beautiful woman... hanging onto his arm possessively... introducing her to his children... as their new auntie... he had never remarried... and had ultimately died of his excesses... at a comparatively early age...

Vera's grandmother Nonna... on the other hand... had been a remarkable woman indeed... and the very first advocate for women's rights... in Italy... staunchly and tirelessly... supporting their cause... never missing an opportunity... to publicly proclaim equality for women... throughout the country... fast becoming a constant source of irritation... to the Italian male-oriented government... and a perpetual... deeply piercing thorn... in its side...!

Furthermore... she had doggedly campaigned successfully... for one of her nieces... who was an accomplished pianist... to be accepted as a participant... in a national piano playing competition... hitherto only open to males... and what is more... her niece had won first prize... being the very first female... to ever win a musical competition... in Italy...!

Being descended from the famous Italian violin craftsman... Amati... and also from the famous composer... Ruggerio Leoncavallo... being her great-uncle... who had composed one of the world's most popular operas... "Il Pagliacci"... Vera herself... had inherited some of their genius... for she was able to instantly... and flawlessly play... on the piano... or accordion... any melody... even if she was hearing it for the very first time... and even despite the fact... that she had never had a music lesson... nor could she read any music... whatsoever...!

Apparently Vera’s sisters... were equally endowed with musical talents... for during the War... pretending to be patriotic Fascists... they had secretly helped the Allies... by singing top-secret... coded messages... about German troop movements... in Italy... to them... over radio broadcasts...!

Alas... I have never met them... but my brother Remo has... and found them to be delightfully full of personality... modern and up-to-date... even in their dotage... when he made their acquaintance in Geneva... where they were living in hiding... from the Fascist Italian government... both of them wanted... for their "treasonous war crimes"...!

Meanwhile... Vera’s resentful feelings of bitterness... did not diminish... not even when the tiny... exceptionally long warm body... of her baby... was placed into her arms... for by that time... she was filled with utter hatred... and despised it... with all her heart...!

And seeing the living... breathing proof... of her public ridicule... and disgrace... in front of her eyes... only served to make her more bitter... and resentful towards it...!

This cursed person... she had by now thoroughly convinced herself... was the cause of her heart-breaking separation... from her beloved Arthur... the cause of all her troubles and misfortunes...!

A tragic... unfair blame... that she... so proud... and so imperious... was to harbor against me... her darling Tzi-Tzi... which would periodically flare up... in our strange love/hate relationship... even until the very end of her days...!

Chapter 16
Contessa Vera's Near Fatal “Accident”... And Subsequent Deliverance... Of A Miracle Baby... On The Holy Day Of Easter Sunday... Who Is Named Graziella... Meaning “Little Grace Of God...”... By Hundreds Of Well-wishers... And Newspaper Reporters... From All Over The World... As They Pay Reverent Homage... To Mother And Angel Child... In The Turin Palazzo...!

One night... Vera had woken up... feeling quite ill... and with great effort... because her swollen body... was so big and cumbersome... had awkwardly gotten out of bed... and lumbered slowly into the bathroom... to take a dose of the medicine... that the doctor had prescribed... for her pregnancy...

She was in her ninth month... about to come to term... and for the past two months... had been feeling physically drained... easily nauseated... and easily exhausted...

With great difficulty... panting with the effort... still half asleep... she had reached up into the medicine cabinet... for her bottle of medicine... and taken a healthy swig from it... without putting the bathroom light on...

And no sooner had the liquid gone down her throat... when she gasped in utter amazement... for instead of getting the usual effect... of quickly feeling calmed and soothed... with the awful nausea gone... she felt as if her throat and stomach... were on fire..!

The liquid was searing... and burning her insides... and she doubled over in excruciating pain... and started to convulse...!

And as she writhed in agony... she was instantly reminded of her Zia Lucia... repeatedly warning her... about keeping her medicine bottle... right next to the dark blue bottle of lye solution... on the shelf... identical in color... size and shape... scolding her that she could easily... in her heavily pregnant state... absentmindedly reach for the wrong bottle... and now she stupidly had...!

Very disgusted at first... at how careless she had been... she had chastised herself vehemently... for not listening to her Zia Lucia’s dire warning... and then the awful realization hit her... that she had actually drunk the poisonous lye mixture...!

And fully wide awake now... the horror of what she had done... dawning on her... the thought flashed across her mind... that her Dio Mio... Was Surely Punishing her... for the time... when she had tried to get rid of her two month old fetus...!

Suddenly filled with the certainty... that this was indeed so... for having grown up in a Catholic convent... she was still under the influence... of its strict teachings... she became very afraid... and trembling in fear... that the Wrath of God... Was Now Descending upon her... she had dropped down to her knees...

And with guilt and remorse... flooding her twenty-three year old heart... she prayed... as never before... fervently beseeching her Dio mio... to Spare her life... and Forgive her for her shameful sin of the attempted murder... of her child...!

The light suddenly blinding her eyes... she saw her Zia Lucia... standing in the doorway... with a look of horror... on her face... as she took in the scene of her favorite "nipote" (niece) Vera... writhing on the floor... with her greatly swollen belly... moaning in agony... crying out in a mixture of Italian and English... with her throat beginning to choke her... barely croaking out her words of earnest supplication...:

"Oh Dio Mio...! Prego...! Please God... I Beg Of You... Please Don't Let Me Die... Pieta...! Forgive Me... Forgive Me... Ple-e-ase... Forgive My Sinful Self...!"

God Must Have Heard her... And Been Impressed... by her sincerity... and that she was truly remorseful... and repentant... because right then... before her Zia Lucia’s astonished eyes... the incredible "Miracolo" happened...!

There Was A Great Heaving... and her niece Vomited up the poison...! The thick liquid... which had begun to congeal... inside her body... constricting her throat... was now Miraculously... reverting back... to its viscous texture...! And then... the poisonous lye... was Streaming out of her mouth... like water...!

Zia Lucia wasted no time... in hastily summoning the doctor... And upon arriving... and hearing about what had happened... most concerned for the prospective mother's wellbeing... he had immediately given her... a thorough examination...

And to his own disbelieving amazement... his eyes nearly popping out of his head... he ascertained... that no harm had been done... either to her... or to the baby... inside her womb...!

Exclaiming that it had indeed been most fortunate for her... that she had vomited up the lye... when she had... and not a moment too soon... for it would have congealed inside her body... and done great bodily harm... possibly leading to a miscarriage... and even death... even at this late stage... of her pregnancy...!

And he marvelled that she had... indeed... experienced "Un Miracolo..."... no doubt about it... urging her to go down on her knees... and thank her Dio... that her precious baby's life had been spared... and yes... maybe even her own...!

The good dottore wasted no time... in spreading the exciting news... of this incredible... Miraculous Event...!

And when it was reported... in the newspapers... generated by the good doctor... there had been such a cry of “Miracolo...”... echoing throughout the land... of Italy... so that... naturally... Vera’s greatly feared... iron-willed Nonna... way up in Northern Italy... heard all about it...!

And sternly summoning her granddaughter... to immediately return... to her palazzo home... in Torino... fearful... trembling Vera... greatly swollen with child... meekly obeyed...

And soon after... on the Holy Day of Easter Sunday... at eleven o'clock... in the morning... as the church bells were ringing... calling all the faithful parishioners... to fervently worship the One God... all over the land... the beautiful young Contessa... Vera Quarta Turin Rau... was delivered... of her Miracolo Bambina...!

Giving birth... easily... and with very little discomfort... to a healthy... and perfectly formed... long-bodied baby girl... although her noticeably sparkling blue eyes... were slightly crossed...!

The fact that the Miracolo Bambina... was born on a Holy Day of Observance... in a primarily Catholic country... generated such awe and excitement... the news of "Un Miracolo"... having spread far and wide... that from miles around... thousands of well-wishers... came to the Turin palazzo... to see the Miraculous... Blessed Event... for themselves...!

And what they beheld... overcome with hushed... wide-eyed wonder... as they reverently paid homage... was the sight of a young... exquisitely beautiful... Madonna-like... saintly Contessa mother... with her perfect oval face... and with black raven hair... richly flowing down to her waist... and the angel child... the “Little Grace of God...!”... as the newspapers... so glowingly reported...!

And the “exquisitely beautiful... Madonna-like young Contessa mother...”... preened in the adulation... of her audience... her long... slender tall body... elegantly draped on a red velvet chaise longue... as she received each wide-eyed... humble supplicant...

And all the bowing... homage paying well-wishers... expressed their fervent wishes... and prayers... for God's Richest Blessings... and “Buona fortuna” (good fortune)... To Be Bestowed... upon the "Miraculous"... Divinely Favored... mother and child...!

But the joyful occasion... attended by newspaper reporters... from all over Europe... and the world... in whose admiring attention... beautiful Contessa Vera basked... and preened... was sadly blighted... and marred... for she still harbored... in her heart... the guilty secret... of her double sin...: her adulterous... baby “love child...”... and her numerous attempts... to abort it...!

While next to her... lying in an opulent bassinet... of snow-white silk... lay the Miracle baby... with the noble family crest... consisting of a rose... a violin and a bull... beautifully embroidered... on her coverlet... in blue and gold... as well as an identical coat of arms... emblazoned on an escutcheon... on the wall... above her head...

The beautiful rose... represented the first of their dynasty... commemorating the exquisite... young Greek beauty... who had been kidnapped... by a dashing... handsome Corsican corsair... and spirited away... by him... back to his home... in Lyon... France...

The violin... represented their ancestor... the great violin craftsman... Amati... and the fierce-looking bull... represented the very first bulls... ever brought into Italy... by their persecuted ancestors... the Waldensers... and the Huguenots... who had vigorously opposed... the Catholic priests... and their powerful... domineering papacy...

Trying to appease her Dio... and make amends... Contessa Vera... named her Miracolo Bambina... “Graziella...”... meaning “Little Grace of God...”... as the newspapers... had already dubbed her... by inference... feeling in her heart of hearts... that God Would Be Pleased... at the perfect name... she had chosen... invented by the great dramatist... Dante Allighieri... for the heroine in his play... and suggested... by all the many well-wishers...

Chapter 17
Theodore Rau... Intrigued That He Might Be The Father... Of The Miracle Baby Girl... Comes To Italy... To Investigate... For Himself... And Instantly Loses His Heart To Her...!

When Theodore Rau came to Italy... about three months later... to "investigate" his wife's recently born... “Miracle” baby girl... he took one look at her... gurgling away happily... in her crib... and exclaimed...:

"Well... she can't possibly be mine... because nobody in my family... has ever had blue eyes...!"

At his remark... his wife gloated secretly to herself... with delight...:

"Oh... then Tzi-Tzi must be Arthur's child... after all...! I can't wait to get back to Japan... and be reunited with my darling beloved... now that he is a free man... and a widower...!"

Now she was impatient... to be free of Theodore... wanting a divorce... dreaming of spending the rest of her life... with her adored Arthur... his three daughters... and her two... and of course... their now to her... all of a sudden... precious love-child... whom she had nicknamed Tzi-Tzi... because of her frequent tendency to sneeze... making the sound of “tzi” ... but only twice... each time... which would make her marvel... how so much water... could come out of such a teeny tiny nose...!

And she now dreamed of all eight of them... happily living together... in their cozy "Blue Heaven"...!

So full of her own private happy thoughts... she hardly noticed her husband... suddenly pulling the blankets... off the smiling up at him “Miracle” baby... to properly “examine” it...!

But then she heard him exclaim... again... only this time... at how remarkably long... the baby's body already was... especially its legs... thighs... and fingers...!

And on the spot... he firmly declared... that he would give the baby his name... and raise it... as his own...! And that as soon as she was able to walk... he would begin training her... into becoming a world class... athletic champion...!

But first of all... he was going to take care of its slightly crossed eyes... nothing to it...!

And by the time they left the Turin Palazzo... to go down to the port city of Genoa... a few weeks later... to board a ship... having moved into a first class hotel... by the harbor... because Zia Lucia’s house... was not big enough... with Theodore... besides visiting his oldest daughter... Bertina... painstakingly exercising the baby's eyes... daily... they were no longer crossed...!

Chapter 18
Love-smitten Vera's Rude Awakening...!

The little family of Theodore... his wife Vera... and the Miracle baby... left the port city of Genoa... soon after... and it was only when they were on board ship... that Theodore abruptly informed his wife... that they were going straight to Peking... China... and not back to Japan...!

As she reeled in shock... at this heart-breaking news... he went on to tell her... bluntly... that her precious Arthur Cannon... had been transferred... by his employers... the Ford Motor Company... out of Japan... back to England... leaving his children behind... meanwhile... in the care of his mother... until he found a suitable home... for all his family... and could send for them...

He told her further... that they would be living in Peking... for at least six months... if not longer... and that she had better forget... all about her precious Arthur...!

And as far as their own children... Prima and Remo... were concerned... he did not think it a good idea... to have their schooling interrupted... so that for the duration... of their stay in Peking... he had made arrangements... to have them remain boarded... at the Canadian Academy... with their best friends... Joan and Olivia... who incidentally... later became the world-famous movie stars... Joan Fontaine... and Olivia de Havilland...!

However... as things turned out... my mother told me... when I was in my early thirties... that a strange kind of peaceful contentment... was prevalent... in the little house... the three of us lived in... together... in Peking... with her husband falling in love... with the little girl... whom he now fervently believed... was his own daughter... insisting on calling her... by his favorite Russian name... always referring to her... as his “darling Nadia...”

And for the almost two years... we lived there... he no longer was away on long business trips... and became very tender and loving... towards his wife... thanking her for giving him such a delightful little girl... who was always so happy... and so good-natured... so loving... and so giving... and was never once called... by her given name... of Graziella... but only "Tzi-Tzi Darling"... by her adored mother... and "Darling Nadia"... by her adored Papa...!

Chapter 19
A Most Unusual... Spiritual Encounter... At An Outdoor Mitch Miller Concert...!

A very interesting thing happened to me... one day... during the time I was living in Miami... during my eleventh year in SUBUD... and it happened... quite out of the blue...!

It was in 1972... and at 42... and by the Grace of God... still looking twenty years younger... I had just gotten divorced... from my third husband... of three years... Mark... but against the Will of God...!

He had been a very difficult-to-live-with... deeply emotionally fractured... Indian/French/Canadian... with a Peter Pan syndrome... and given to lengthy... dark moods of depression... because of extensive physical... and mental abuse... in his childhood... by his father... and older brothers... who were all hardened career criminals...!

And I had left him three times... and each time... I was always Brought back to him... by my Heavenly Father... via my Guardian Angel Friend...!

And in order to celebrate my new found freedom... I had decided to treat myself... one balmy Saturday evening... to the ever popular... Mitch Miller's Sing-along Concert... held at the Key Biscayne Boulevard outdoor auditorium... intending to sing my heart out joyously... to their rousing music...

When I arrived there... I saw that the whole place was set up... so that all the tiered seating... which on every level... was a backless wooden bench... extending all the way across the huge auditorium... was staggered... facing down westward... towards Biscayne Bay...

And just at the water's edge... was an enormous platform... on which Mitch Miller... and his famous orchestra were assembled... their backs to the water... about to entertain an appreciative... large audience...

I had never been there before... so that I was totally unprepared... for the discomfort... that I would have to endure...

Because it was daylight-saving summertime... even though it was already eight o'clock... the sun was still shining... although beginning to set... and the glare... right in front of me... and reflecting off the water... was hurting my eyes... something fierce... so that I could not help but squint... as I tried to look down at the musicians... and at the giant screen... on which their famous bouncing ball... was going over the lyrics... as they played the ever popular favorite standards... in their unique... inimitable style...

Since the concert was being held at night... and for some stupid reason... I had not thought that I would be needing any sunglasses... for the occasion - I had just broken mine that week... and had not yet purchased a new replacement pair - I forgot that I would be needing them... to shield my eyes... against the piercing rays of the sun...

And in this uncomfortable state... with my jaws beginning to ache... from having to almost squeeze my eyes shut... in the glare of the setting sun... chastising myself... for having been so stupid... all of a sudden... I felt tingly all over... the hair on my scalp and arms... seeming to rise... with an uncanny distinct feeling... that somebody... was making me the center of their attention...!

Trying not to be too obvious... I surreptitiously looked about around me... to see who it was... and saw nothing but a sea of expressionless faces... with their eyes enigmatically hidden behind dark... opaque sunglasses... their bodies motionless... all their attention... riveted on the orchestra... playing way down below them...

As I swept my gaze quickly... over each one of the spectators... they all suddenly looked... somehow... as if dead... and frozen in time... like zombies... and at the same time... strangely ominous and forbidding... appearing to exist... in an insulated cocoon... of their own making...!

And although I could see... that their mouths were open... obviously singing... to the words of the bouncing ball... on the huge screen... way down below... I could hardly hear their voices...! And furthermore... very strangely... all desire to sing my heart out... along with them... suddenly left me...!

Then my squinting eyes rested briefly... on a face quite nearby... and I recoiled... startled... for... in contrast to everybody else... this visage was devoid of protective sunglasses... just like myself... and looking unnervingly naked... and moreover... its eyes were staring straight into mine... and with such intensity... that I felt as if they were boring... into my very soul...!

Upon closer inspection... I noticed that the strange... hypnotic eyes... belonged to a lady... and that she was a total stranger to me... and at this realization... I suddenly felt oddly vulnerable... and exposed...!

Then... while looking straight at me... her luminous gaze... steady and unblinking... I heard her distinctly murmur something... about how harmful the ozone layer... in the air... would become for me... if I stayed there too much longer after dark...!

At first... I thought she was some crazy woman... but there was something about the expression... in her eyes... that made me feel... as if she possessed the wisdom of the ages...! And I sat there... as if turned to stone... mesmerized... unable to move... or to tear my eyes away from hers...!

When she saw that she had my undivided attention... Mitch Miller and his orchestra... completely forgotten... she rose to her feet... in one fluid movement of grace... and came over to sit down in the empty space... right next to me... And without saying a word... she put out her hand... and lay it on mine... resting in my lap...

Instantly... at her warm touch... a wonderful feeling of Calm... Suffused my entire being... and it was as if we were sitting under an umbrella... and there was a stillness... of great Peace and Harmony... surrounding us...!

Since the sun's rays were so piercingly glaring... I could not distinguish her features very well... could not determine... how old she might be... because she seemed to float in and out of my vision... in a strange... undulating way...!

Tilting her head curiously to one side... looking off into the distance... she proceeded to stroke my hand... comfortingly... as the orchestra down below... I noticed... were now playing... the ever popular sea shanty... "One of the Roving Kind"... with rousing gusto...

When the song came to an end... with a flourishing crescendo... the fairly large crowd clapped and cheered... and there were whistles and shouts of "Encore"...

Mitch Miller... still bearded... although now graying... made his bows... and gesturing to his orchestra... made them stand up... to take their share of the audience's accolade... And when the hullabaloo... finally died down... he announced that there would be a short intermission...

All the while the music was playing... the strange lady kept stroking my hand... and for some strange reason... I began to feel oddly more and more comforted... the longer she made this physical contact with me... my awareness of the discomfort... caused by the glaring sun... and the hard bench... on which I was sitting... receding into the back of my mind...

And then... a little while after the music and cheering had died down... she said... in a very soft... lilting voice... barely audible... so that I had to lean towards her... to catch what she was saying...:

"Forgive Me... My Dear... But There Is Something Quite Imperative... That You Need To Know...!"

And as my mind raced... wondering who she was... and whether she was somebody I knew... but for the moment... was unable to recognize... as if reading my thoughts... she calmly went on to say... in perfect English... with her voice now sounding like a beautiful melody...:

"No My Dear... We Are Strangers To Each Other... But For This Brief Space In Time... We Are As If Joined By Our Souls...!"

Then... after a brief pause... she sighed and continued...:

"My Dear... I Am Now To Tell You Something... The Purpose Of Which... Will Be Made Clear To You... Some Time In The Future...!

That For These Past Nine Years... You Have Been Living Under The Illusion... Of A Shameful Lie...! Because... You Have Been Led To Believe That... Because You Were Born In Adultery... You Were Born Secretly... In Shame... In A Hotel... In The Port City Of Genoa... Italy... When... In Fact... You Were Born Nobly... Within The Walls Of Your Family Estate... In A Palace... In The City... That Bears Your Family's Name... Namely Turin... In Northern Italy...!"

All I could do... at hearing the incredible melody of her voice... was to just sit there... dazed... drinking in the Ethereal Lady's every word... hardly able to believe my ears... marveling at how this perfect stranger... knew so much about me... and my European background... for I had not uttered a single sound... of my distinctive foreign accent... to her...?!

Then with a faraway look in her luminscent Eyes... she continued...:

"I See You Lying In Your Bassinet... With Your Family Crest Of Blue And Gold... Boldly Outlining A Rose... Violin And Bull... Embroidered On The White Silk Coverlet... Covering Your Body... Your Family Coat Of Arms... Emblazoned On An Escutcheon... On The Wall Behind You... Above Your Head...!

And I See You Attended To... By Hundreds Of Well-wishers... From The Surrounding Provinces... Who... Having Heard Of The Miraculous Circumstances... Of Your Birth... On The Holy Day Of Easter Sunday... Are Gazing Down Upon You... In Reverence... And Awe... Certain In Their Hearts... That You Are Especially Touched... And Favored... By The Benevolence Of Almighty God...!"

And as I sat there... overcome with awe... marveling at how she knew so much about my birth... hearing the ring of truth... in her voice... her words seeming to undulate... into the atmosphere... with incredibly alive pulsations of vitality... she went on to say...:

"And Last But Not Least... You Have Also Been Shamefully Lied To... About The True Date Of Your Birth...!"

And without elaborating further... almost in the same breath... she continued...:

"But know this... Beloved Sweet Child Of God... You Are On Earth... For The Specific Purpose... Of Serving your Heavenly Father... Almighty God... As He Guides You... To Do His Work... According To His Perfect Will... For You...!

For You Have Always Shown... Your Fervent Willingness... To Be His Servant... His Slave... Bringing Many Lost Souls... Back To Him... And Also Being His Most Willing Channel... For Healing The Sick... And Saving Floundering Marriages... And Helping Fearful Souls... To Pass Over... Into The Eternal Glory... Of Their Afterlives...!

And Now... As You Continue To Obediently Follow... The SUBUD Way Of Life... The Only True Way of Worshipping Him... That He Wills For You... Never Neglect Your Practice... Of Patiently Submitting Your Whole Being To Him... In Unconditional Surrender... With Utter Trust... And Faith... In Him... Who Created You...!

By Thus Truly Proving To Him... Your Unconditional Love... Trust... And Faith In Him... Which Is The Great Spiritual Secret... Of Truly Communing With The One... Who Created His Beloved Souls... And Who...As A Reward... Will Bestow Great Blessings Upon Them... As He Does Upon You... As He Guides... and Directs... The Moments Of Your Life... According To His Perfect Will...!

And Know... Sweet Child Of God... That He Is Well Pleased With you... One Of His More Beloved Daughters... One On Whom He Smiles Down Upon... With Special Favor...!"

Then... after a brief moment... tilting her head to one side... as if listening... to an invisible Voice... somewhere deep inside her... she nodded her head... most gracefully... sighed once again... and quietly said...:

"That Is All...!"

As she stood up... in one fluid motion... preparing to leave my side... I suddenly felt terribly sad... and as the Magical Spell between us... was broken... there were a million questions... flooding throughout my being...

And I clutched at her sleeve of soft silk... loath to let her go... but she smiled gently down at me... and with great compassion... softly said...:

"Fear Not... My Child... All Is Well... Remember... That You Are Never Alone... For Your Special Guardian Angel... And The Angels From On High... Keep Watch Over You Yet... And Always...!"

And gently extricating my hand... from her sleeve... she walked away... without once looking back at me...

I wanted to run after her... find out who she was... and not only how she seemed to know so much about me... but also how her channel of Spiritual Knowledge... came to her...

But as I watched her receding back... my eyes blurring with tears... she suddenly simply Vanished... into thin air...!

And it dawned on me right then... that the strange Lady... must have been an Angel of God... Sent down from Heaven... especially for me...!

For the rest of the concert... I sat in a daze... my senses reeling... from the extraordinary Spiritual Encounter... with the strange lady... the Lovely Angel of God... far too stunned... to join in... in the now suddenly mundane sing-along...

And as the last rays of the sun... sank below the crimson-purple horizon... about a half hour later... I suddenly felt very ill... and nauseated... as the realization hit me... that my adored mother... had lied to me...!

And then a stab of guilt... pierced me painfully... as a flood of remorse... enveloped my whole being... as I recalled... how I had blatantly... and willfully disobeyed God's Will for me... yet again... this time... regarding my marriage to Mark...!

I had given in to his demand for a divorce... knowing full well... that it was the Will of my Heavenly Father... that I remain married to him...!

Because... when the divorce papers had arrived... for me to sign... my Guardian Angel... Had Suddenly Commanded me... in my right ear... as usual... Warning...:

"Do Not Sign...!"

And I had disobeyed Him... meaning that I was disobeying... what God Willed for me...! And it was the third time... in my life...!

(I remember all too well... the first two times... I shamefully disobeyed... the Perfect Will of God... for me...!

First... when I had just turned twelve... and was about to attend my very first day... in a Swiss school... in Zurich... wearing my favorite pink angora sweater... which prettily showed off my newly budding breasts... when my Guardian Angel... Warned me not to...!

And the second time... at the City Hall Marriage Bureau... in Bulawayo... Southern Rhodesia... just as I was about to sign the marriage certificate... of my very first marriage... when I was about twenty-seven... when my Guardian Angel Warned me...:

"Do Not Sign...!"

And the Divine Law Of Cause and Effect... of my first two... defiant incidents of disobedience... had resulted... in three years each... of Hell suffered... as fully described... in "From Seven Hells... To Seventh Heaven... SUBUD...)

And yet... despite my third willful disobedience... my Loving... Understanding... Merciful... Compassionate Heavenly Father... Who Knew me So Well... Had Sent down a Special Angel Lady... to me...!

Suddenly remembering Her warning... I found myself jumping to my feet... most anxious to get away... from the now unpleasant environment...!

Almost in panic... I frantically pushed my way through the crowd... afraid that I would not be able to stop myself... in time... from vomiting on some unsuspecting stranger's shoes...!

But as soon as I had reached my car... the nausea suddenly dissipated... and I felt remarkably well again...!

As I drove home... I kept hearing the strange Lady's Melodious Voice... and the Words she spoke... as if They Were Imprinted... on my very soul...!

And I was full of wonder... and awe... that such a Spiritual Event... Could Have Happened... right in the middle of a place... where a public concert... was being held...!

It was quite remarkable... I mused to myself... how... all the while She talked to me... nobody around us... seemed to be paying the slightest bit of attention... to the two ladies... sitting huddled close together... their heads almost touching...

It was as if she and I... were the only two living creatures there - everybody else seemed to be sitting on their benches... as if lifeless... only briefly coming to life... after each musical segment ended... whistling... cheering and clapping... then resorting back to sitting like lifeless zombies again...!

And when they were singing the lyrics... following the bouncing ball... on the huge screen... behind the orchestra... it seemed as if they were only going through the motions... mouthing the words to the songs... without any animation... or changes... in their expressions... and their voices... to my ears... sounded strangely muffled...!

Watching them... after the Lady left... reminded me very much of the many times... I had sung in the church choir... at the Anglican Christ Church of England... back in Yokohama... Japan... and how... when I had looked down at the congregation... and seen them singing hymns of praise... to Almighty God... without the slightest hint of an expression... on their faces... neither of joy... nor of sorrow... like lifeless robots... I had felt extremely disgusted... and ashamed... on their behalf...

Later on... in the privacy of my boardinghouse room... at the ISY... under the cloak of darkness... I had begged my Heavenly Father... to please Forgive them... for being so dead... their souls having become so narrow...

Because... for so long... they had not "let go and let God"... Perfectly Guide their lives... but preferred to follow... the fickle dictates... of their own impure hearts' desires... and the impure cleverness... of their minds...

And I would be so sad... that they were so very unaware... of their Creator's very Real... Boundless... Infinite and Patient... Merciful Love... and Perfect Wisdom... for them... His wayward... oblivious children...!

As for me... it has always been... that from the very first time... and onward... that I have offered up my voice... in Songs of Praise... to my Heavenly Father... with each note of music I sang... I would always feel choked up... with overwhelming emotion... my deep love for Him... filling my chest... to overflowing... the tears of indescribable Joy... always streaming down my cheeks...

All my life... there has been a huge question mark inside me... as to why it is... that people professing to love God so much... never show it on their faces...! I just have to mention the word "God"... whether to myself... or to someone else... and my whole face... breaks out in wreathes of smiles...

And if I continue to ponder... on my love for Him... my smiles become so wide... that my jaws begin to ache... and my heart is filled to bursting... And it has been so for me... ever since I can remember...

Very soon after that momentous evening... at the Mitch Miller outdoor concert... all Hell broke loose... for me... once again...!

I had been disobedient... in not heeding my Guardian Angel's Latest Warning... to not sign Mark's divorce papers... because it was the Will of my Heavenly Father... that I remain married to him...!

Even though he was already happily living... for the past year... with another woman... who satisfied his passionate needs... which I couldn't... because I was still suffering the traumatic effects... of my sexual rape... when I was seventeen... and I was truly happy for him...

Nevertheless...I was to suffer... a three year period... of Divine Disgrace... Conveyed to me... by my Heavenly Father... as He Paralyzed... My Whole Body... Letting me know... That He Was Greatly Disappointed... In My Defiant Willfulness...

And as penance... He even Reduced me... to earning my meager living... for a while... as a lowly paid cleaning woman... for the Catholic church...!

(All my shameful disobedience... which actually meant... that I thought that I knew better than God...! ... is fully described... in "Seven Hells...")

End Part IV - Nineteen Chapters

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