Chapter 1
Many Evenings... Of Enchanting... Distracting Entertainment... By The Artistic Millers... For The Once More... Jittery... Anxious Passengers...!

Once we were out to sea again... leaving Auckland well behind us... this time headed up north... towards the American Continent... things went back to normal again... with the remarkable Millers... resuming their penchant... to keep on entertaining the once more... jittery... anxious passengers on board... every night... cleverly distracting them... from awareness... that there was a terrible War going on... towards the north of us... around the world...

Bill Miller kept on keeping us in stitches... every evening... in the Dining Salon... with his riotous Flea Circus Act... which the passengers never tired of... often making them start to scratch themselves... whenever he pretended... that he had lost one of his fleas... and went down on all fours... around the tables... looking frantically under the tablecloths for it...

I knew it was all make-believe... but even so... just at the merest suggestion... that there might be a flea loose... hopping around us... somewhere... made me twitch nervously all over... my flesh starting to crawl... as I watched him scrabbling all over the floor... for his precious flea... calling out cajolingly... while making clucking noises of encouragement...:

"...Come on... Alvin... come home to Daddy... come on boy...!"

His wife Helga... for her part... continued to make special efforts... to keep her Fashion and Talent Shows... fresh and appealing...  And she got all the pretty young ladies to parade... in more and more imaginative costumes...

Some of them had lovely voices... and they would act out little vignettes... on the stage of the Auditorium... depicting scenes from various nations... such as Italy... Hawaii... Japan... France and Spain...

And while they paraded up and down... in their various colorful national costumes... they would look exquisitely charming... as they sang the popular songs... from their native countries...

Not wanting to be deliberately... and scathingly scorned... by Helga... once again... I had not presented myself... to audition for the Talent Contests...

Even though Prima tried her best... to encourage me to... telling me that Bill Miller... would also be present... for the auditions... and that she happened to know... for a fact... that he liked me... as a very appreciative member... of his audience... absolutely certain... that he would fall in love... with my lovely soprano voice...!

But then I saw my beautiful sister... up there on the stage... also... daintily pirouetting amongst them... looking so exquisite... and so beautiful... in her own colorful Japanese kimono... her gorgeous chestnut tresses... coiled up in the traditional... intricate Japanese hair-style... complete with delicate-looking... tinkling silver hair ornaments...

And the enchanting sight... of my wonderful big sister... portraying the famous "Chocho-san"... made my chest swell with pride...

"Chocho" means "Butterfly"... in Japanese... and suited the oh so delicate... fragile beauty... of the barely sixteen year old girl... when she met... and fell in love... with the American Lieutenant Pinkerton... and their tragic... true... ill-fated love affair... was immortalized by Giacomo Puccini... in his famous opera..."Madama Butterfly"...

And just for an instant... I greatly regretted my cowardice... for it could have been me up there... on the stage... as “Chocho-san”... only I would have been singing... her poignant... beautiful aria... “Un Bel Di” ... (One Fine Day)... describing how she was waiting... patiently... for her lover... to return to her... and their little boy...

Helga's precious toy poodle... Schatzi ... was very well-trained... and was also featured... in many of the scenarios... trotting alongside the lovely girls... jumping through a hoop... and turning somersaults... on command...

Helga’s enchanting tableaus... featured... for example... either a Paris street scene... with the girls smartly dressed... in suits... or a Spanish bodega... with one of the lovely Spanish girls... in a form-fitting... fiery red dress... dancing the passionate flamenco... or an Italian girl... dancing the tarantella... or a Hawaiian girl... dancing the graceful hula...

There was also a family of Greek men... who charmingly danced their traditional... line dance...

Or by total contrast... there would be a leisurely beach scene... with the girls in their bathing suits... and sun dresses... basking under the sun... so that it seemed... as if everybody's tastes were being satisfied...

All this wonderful... ingenious entertainment... served the Millers' intended purpose... to keep away from the passengers' minds... the constantly grim reality... that we might very well be sailing up... into submarine-infested waters... and that a "Kraut U-Boot"... or a “Jap sub”... might... at any moment... mistake us for an enemy ship... and torpedo our ship... into certain oblivion...!

As far as I knew... the Millers were not being paid... for entertaining us... they were simply trying to do their bit... in a time of war... to generally help keep the passengers' spirits and morale... high...

It was very wise of our Captain... indeed... to withhold the fact... from his anxious passengers... that the equally neutral... Dutch twin sister ship of the "Tjisadane"... the "Tjinegara"... that Papa had originally booked our passage on... in Shanghai... had... in fact... been torpedoed to smithereens... with no living survivors on board...!

And it happened on the infamous day... of the surprise aerial bombing... of Pearl Harbor... by the Japanese... only three days after leaving the port city... and just one day... after we ourselves... had sailed away from there...! 

We found out about the senseless tragedy... only after arriving in America...

Furthermore... for reasons known only to him... probably as a precaution... in case of hostile spies on board... during the whole voyage... Captain Post and his officers... continued to keep their passengers... in the dark... confusing them... as to where they really were... what date it really was... and at times... even what time it really was...!

On looking back... on the events... of that incredible thirty-day plus... sea voyage... aboard the majestic "Klipfontein"... I realize even more now... what a remarkable man... Captain Post was... always cheerful... as if he didn't have a care in the world... and as if we were all embarking... on a pleasure cruise..!

And all his officers and crew... were wonderful... as well... always in high spirits... most of them mixing freely... with the passengers...

Chapter 2
A Rude... Insulting... Frightening Encounter... With A Very Handsome Frenchman... In The Radio Room...!

It must have been about a week... after we left Auckland... when I awoke one morning... "knowing"... as I opened my eyes... that something significantly unusual... a brand new experience... was about to happen to me...!

Throughout my lifetime... I would periodically have a kind of Inner premonition... that an important event... that perhaps might rattle... or startle... or even shock my sensitive psyche... was about to take place... usually upon first opening my eyes... in the morning...!

Always eager... for a glorious new day of living... to begin... simply because of my inborn... very strong... optimistic spirit... and naturally sunny disposition... despite the fact... that I... the odd looking... gangly... too tall one... was barely tolerated... but nevertheless... fervently believing that... on the following day... I would be fully accepted... and loved...

    

And upon awakening... I would instinctively "know"... that my Inner feeling... concerned my own self... primarily... and that I was in for some "first time" experience... or something unusual... that would affect me... greatly influencing my developing psyche... character... and personality... for the rest of my life...!

Curiously... there had been no Inner awareness... in advance... on that momentous afternoon... when I met Everett... that adult romance... was about to enter my life... for the very first time...!

But on this particular... momentous morning... I eagerly went up to the bridge... as usual... to watch God's Spectacular Sunrise... with dear Captain Post... and have my usual... impassioned bargaining conversation... with my Heavenly Father...

Once again... I was happily basking... In The Splendor... of His Vast Green-Blue Ocean... And The Pinkish Glowing Orb... Gradually Growing Into A Huge Red And Yellow Ball... Which He Had Created... to Give His Children Divine Warmth... and Light... The Magnificent Sight Of Which... I never tired of beholding... in overwhelming awe...

As I expressed my overwhelming Joy... at the Glorious... Divine Display... around me... yet again... and as always... feeling as if I was seeing it all... for the very first time... and as always... again Being Made to feel tiny... and insignificant... by comparison... I threw out my arms... as if to embrace the whole universe... and throwing my head back... looking up to the Heavens... once again supplicated my Creator... crying out..:

"Oh Merciful... Heavenly Father... Thou Hast Brought Us Safely... This Far... Upon Our Perilous Voyage... 

Surely... Amidst Such Splendor... Thou Canst Not Possibly Allow Anything Evil... To Befall Us Now... Not When Our Journey... Is Nearly Over... And Not While We Are Surrounded... By The Awesome Magnificence... Of Thy Glorious Sea... And Thy Spectacular Sun... and Endless Blue Blue Sky... Thy Grand Firmament...!

Oh such Divine Beauty... And Immense Grandeur... As Takes My Breath Away... And Makes Me Feel Very Humble... Before Thee... Oh My God... My Beloved Heavenly Father...

My Faith In Thee Is Strong... And Full Of Trust... That All Of Us On Board This Ship... Thy Precious Children... Whom Thou Hast Created... Will Be Cradled... In The Absolute Safety... Of Thy Loving Arms... And Protected... This Day... and Night... By Thy Host Of Angels... - Amen... So Be It..."

When I had finished humbling myself... so sincerely... before my Heavenly Father... I felt the familiar feeling... of Utter Peace... and His Approving Love... Flood throughout my whole being...

And I "knew"... with a certainty... deep within my very soul... that all of us... on board the "Klipfontein"... would not come to any mortal harm... for the rest of that day... and into the night...

Thus... thoroughly Spiritually Fortified... by my Heavenly Father... my utter trust... and faith in Him... Renewed... yet again... after my usual cup of tea with the Captain... in his bridge house... I joined Papa... for our usual brisk exercise walk... around the Promenade Deck... of twenty times... ten times clockwise... and ten times anti clockwise...

And after our subsequent family breakfast... in the Dining Salon... I decided to be adventurous... and go exploring around the ship... once more... as soon as I was allowed to leave the table... since it was far too nippy... for a swim - there was a sudden nasty chill in the air... that morning...

I set out... immediately after filling my belly... to its satisfaction... and happened to find myself wandering... along an unfamiliar passage... coming to a door... that I had not yet discovered... on any of my previous... adventurous explorations... of the ship...!

It had a sign on it that read...: "Radio Room"... in Dutch... and in English...

Curious to know what it was all about... I knocked... and softly opened the door... and peeked around the corner... and seeing no one... thinking myself alone... boldly opened the door wider... and walked straight in... softly closing the door behind me... only to notice... with a gasp... that the room was occupied... after all...!

There was a very handsome young man... with jet-black curly hair... to the far right... of the room... sitting in front of a large board... with lots of dials on it... He was wearing earphones... over his head... and seemed to be preoccupied... listening very intently...

And it took quite a while... with me in a nervous quandary... as to whether make a dash for it... or stay my ground... before he noticed... that he was not alone in the room...

Meanwhile... I became uncomfortably self-conscious... and very aware... that I was probably intruding on him... and his job - he was obviously the Radio Operator - and I really had no business being there at all... at the same time... feeling very jittery... at finding myself all alone... with a strange young man... in the confines of a room... for the very first time in my life...!

My heart started to thump away... and I hoped and prayed... that he would not hear it... desperate now to stealthily creep out of there...

But to my utter dismay... I saw him suddenly look up... startled at first... to see somebody else... in the room... with him...

Then... his face splitting wide open... in a huge grin... obviously delighted to have some company... blithely unaware... of my discomfort... of feeling more awkward... and gangly... than ever before in my life... he beckoned to me... to come closer... speaking in a heavy French accent...

Standing just inside the doorway... ready to bolt... I felt terribly nervous...  But he was so friendly... that I found myself cautiously taking a few hesitant steps towards him...

Then... seeing the intriguing board... he was sitting at... close up... I suddenly forgot all about my annoying awkwardness... and boldly stepped right up to him...

My curiosity was thoroughly aroused... and addressing him in English - for some reason... instinctively feeling safer... if he didn't know that I spoke French - I leaned over his shoulder... and began asking him... all sorts of questions...

Everything interested me... I wanted to know what all the dials... knobs and switches... were used for... eager to learn everything... about radio transmitting...and I was breathless in my enthusiasm... for no sooner did he answer one question... than I was already asking another one...

The handsome Radio Operator... did his utmost... to answer me patiently... as best he could... in his broken English... telling me all about sending... and receiving messages... over the airwaves... and even let me listen in... on some radio broadcasts... between other ships... some of them tapped out in morse code - utterly fascinating...!

It was a very eerie feeling... to only hear disembodied voices... coming over the airwaves - a brand new experience for me... who had also yet to hear a voice speaking... over the telephone...!

Finally... there seemed to be nothing further... for him to demonstrate to me - besides... I felt that I had been there long enough... anyway... and shouldn't be further keeping him... from his duties...

I gestured to him... that I was leaving... politely thanking him... with a friendly smile... for patiently answering the many questions... I had asked him... and was about to shake hands with him... when I noticed... that he was looking at me very intently... with a peculiar glint... in his eye...!

Abruptly... my extended hand... dropped down to my side... and my heart started to pound... all over again... as Papa's warning... about "the hot-blooded men... and their eyes lighting up with interest"... suddenly flashed through my mind... making me wonder... if this handsme young man... was one of them...!

Then desperately trying to reassure myself... that I was in no danger... because my hair was safely in schoolgirl pigtails...!

And yet... inexplicably... the intensity of his gaze... definitely "lighting up with interest"... was making me feel edgy... and uncomfortably self-conscious... all over again...  and I felt strangely trapped... in his compelling... jet black stare... feeling just like a startled doe...!

I tried to pull myself together... feel more in control of myself again... and stepped backwards... as gracefully as I could... suddenly acutely aware... of my ungainly... never-ending long legs... positive that I would trip over them any second... making a complete ass of myself...!

I had almost reached the door... when he grinned up at me impudently... and said in a rather brash voice...:

"You... Mademoiselle... what your name...?"

I stopped dead in my tracks....  I really did not want to have any intimate conversation... with this man - there was a hint of crude vulgarity... in his manner... despite his exceptional good looks... and his impudent... rakish grin... reminding me of Clark Gable's...!

Something in the way he was looking at me now... with his eyes boldly... and slowly... traveling up and down my body... totally unnerved me...

No man had ever looked at me this way before... in my eleven years and almost nine months... of living on this planet... that I could remember...!

I felt as if his eyes... were undressing me... and I blushed... to the roots of my hair... at the thought of what he might be imagining...!

  

And then he suddenly said...

"You... Mademoiselle... don't go... you stay here...!  We have nice sex now...!"

His words startled me... and I felt a mixture of relief... although tinged with trepidation... for some reason... when it dawned on me... that he really wasn't interested... in knowing the name... of a mere schoolgirl... in pigtails...

And then I felt very foolish... indeed... when I realized... that I did not really understand... what he was talking about...!

And I must have looked very puzzled... because he... still sitting at his board... started making gestures to me... with his arms... grinning and nodding... pointing to himself... and then to me... for emphasis... then hugging himself tightly... swaying back and forth...!

It seemed as if I could only stand there... rooted to the spot... in thrall... feeling very stupid...  But I also felt strangely excited... at the same time... with a kind of sinking sensation... in the pit of my stomach... and my knobby knees... started to tremble... of their own accord...!

But when he suddenly jumped to his feet... very tall... and very lanky... and started coming towards me... gyrating his hips sinuously... a sudden feeling of terror... swept throughout my body...

No longer did he look friendly to me - on the contrary... he now seemed very sinister... and menacing... as if he was stalking me... as his prey... and I became deathly afraid of him...!

He seemed to loom larger and larger... the closer he got....  And the room seemed to get significantly smaller and smaller... making me feel more trapped than ever... the air in the closed-in room... beginning to stifle me... so that I could hardly breathe...

By now thoroughly petrified... but much too proud to show it... I prayed desperately for Divine Help...

 

And that seemed to break the hypnotic spell... he was holding over me... for all at once... I was suddenly no longer afraid of him...!

I felt very strong inside... and stood my ground firmly... tossing my infernal pigtails... ready to do battle with him...!

But then... my curiosity getting the better of me... I decided to take the bull by the horns... and told him... honestly and sincerely... that I did not really know... what he was talking about...

Whereupon he responded... by throwing back his head... putting his hands out... to shape the curves of a woman's body... then sucking in his breath... braying...:

"You know...!"

And as I still looked dumbly at him... he crowed...licking his lips lasciviously... and rolling his eyes... at the same time...:

"Ooh-la-la...!"

Then pointing to a corner of the room... grinning... I saw that there was a narrow cot... pushed up against a wall...!

Becoming terror-struck... all over again... my frozen senses... simply refused to allow myself to think... that his reference to the word "sex"... meant anything else... but the description of genders in grammar... for I had still not heard it used... in reference to anything else...!

My mind also absolutely refused to believe... that his suggestive gestures... had anything... whatsoever... to do with that disgusting... yet titillating accordion wallet... full of pictures... of stark naked men... women... and children... and animals... all stuck to each other... in different scenes... and poses... that I had come across... that fateful rainy day... when I was about nine...

When the whole episode... of the introduction of “pornography”... to me and my school girl friends... Had Been Supervised... and Controlled... by my Guardian Angel Friend...!

(But of course... at that tender age of about nine... I did not know... that all the graphic pictures... were depicting scenes... of what has come to be termed... as “pornography"... at all... never having heard of the word before... not until I was eighteen...!)

Blanking from my mind... also... the dawning realization... that the Radio Operator... was insinuating something dirty... and vulgar... and extremely personally intimate... to the nth degree...!

Nevertheless... I was suddenly reminded... incongruously... of my leering American classmate... Dirty Walter Standish... back at the old International School of Yokohama... and my heart pounded... in sheer panic... all over again...

My mind absolutely refused to accept the possibility... that this now menacing stranger... might be referring to his "maho no kagi" (magical key)... and that he wanted to open my "himitsu no maho no zaiho" (magical secret treasure) with it - terms explained more fully... in the following Chapter 7... describing my traditional Japanese sexual initiation... when I was about four and a half...

After all... the old O-baa-san... so many years ago... had told me that that privilege... belonged only to my "Otto-san" (husband)... when I was an "otona tsuma"... (adult wife)... and not before - and this devilishly handsome stranger... was very definitely... not my Otto-san...!

I felt much safer... believing that he wanted to romance me... by dancing with me... so I laughed ruefully... and said... shaking my head...:

“Monsieur... I am much too young for romance... Besides... I do not know how to dance...!"

And I immediately thought of Prima... who would have known exactly what to say... to this persistent... brash young man... and that they would probably make a lovely couple... dancing together... although I didn't think she would really be interested in him... because he had an aura of earthy crudeness... about his person...

Then was immediately brought back to the present... with a jolt... by realizing... to my dismay... that he had mistaken my laughter... as an invitation... to come closer...!

And I now saw... to my growing horror... that the front of his tight pants... were bulging...!

And he was grinding his hips... very slowly... and lewdly... suggestively grinning at me leeringly... with the most intent look... in his jet black eyes...vulgarly running his now repulsive... wet pink tongue... over his glistening lips...!

Just like that crude young daiku-san... who had suddenly appeared... at our garden gate... naked from the waist down... looking up at me... leeringly... as I stood at Xenia’s upstairs bedroom window... when I was only seven years old...!  And then kidnapped me from my bed... that very night...!

Suddenly I realized... how small the room really was... and how the Frenchman seemed to tower... even over my formidable five foot eight inches... in shoes... although in reality... he was not much taller that I was...

Becoming very alarmed... I could only think of escaping... from his frightening presence... and the stifling hot... small room... as fast as I ever could...

I did not dare turn my back on him... and groping behind me... slowly stepping backwards... as he steadily advanced towards me... by now totally terrified... out of my wits... I tried to be as surreptitious... as possible... praying with all of my might... that he would not pounce on me... before my trembling fingers... found the doorknob...

And was very relieved... when my hands hit the reassuring roundness... of the protuberance... on the door... and... my body suddenly galvanized into action... I flung it open... and raced down the gangway... my pigtails flying... fleeing as if the very diable... himself... was chasing after me...!

I had never been so afraid... of another human being... in all my born days... not even during the three times... when I was kidnapped...!

The roaring of his jeering... derisive laughter... seemed to pursue me... down the long passageway... and my cheeks burned hotly... as I pictured the ridiculous spectacle... I obviously was making in his eyes...

"He must think me an absolute imbecile..."... I muttered... thoroughly disgusted with myself... as I raced away to safety...

Shaking all over... from my ordeal... and narrow escape... wasting no time... I decided to seek Xenia out... for an explanation - she was... after all... my stepmother... and here was a golden opportunity... for her to enlighten her stepdaughter... on something that she... in her tender... innocent years... obviously knew nothing about...

I hoped against hope... that she would explain to me... what the Radio Operator had meant... trying to convince myself... over and over... that she was the one person... who would be happy... to shed some light... on the huge question... in her stepdaughter's chest...

Although... deep down... I knew she wouldn't...

But I so much wanted to give her... yet another opportunity... to be a real mother to me...  No matter how often she let me down... I still optimistically kept giving her every opportunity... to fulfill her role... as a responsible parent...

More determined now... than ever... to track her down... hoping with all my heart... that I was doing the right thing... and remembering how pleasant... and endearing... she could be... when she wanted to be... I searched all over the ship... high and low... and finally located her... in the Ladies' Toilette...

Without stopping to think... once I had established the fact... that she was in one of the toilet stalls... I shouted out in a loud voice... before my courage failed me...:

"Xenia...! Tell me please... what does "having nice sex" mean...?!"

I had no idea... that there were other ladies... locked behind the other stall doors... until I heard a huge... simultaneous intake of gasping breath... and the atmosphere around me... suddenly became hushed... and still...!

Xenia immediately flushed the toilet... and emerged... her face very red... and very flustered... stammering...:

"Gra-grad-zella...!  Va-vat arr yu t-talkink about...?  Va-vat arr yu sayink... Va-vat du yu mien...?"

So I very honestly and openly told her... of my recent... brief encounter... with the ship's Radio Operator... a young Frenchman... and how... after explaining all about radio transmitting... to me... he had invited me to stay... and "have nice sex" with him... on his cot... and how frightened I had become... when he advanced on me...

Hoping that she would be sympathetic... and sweetly understanding... I had sincerely poured out my puzzled heart out to her...

But to my eternal surprise... and shock... she reacted... by trembling with outrage... and spluttering... threatened to wash my mouth out with soap... for daring to say “det durty vurt out lautt... ent vit no shem...!”

Chastising me... for being so “bet ent durty” ... she stated that she was quite certain... that I had brought the whole unsavory episode... down upon myself... probably had smiled at him... flirtatiously... giving the man the impression... that he could "hev his vey vit mie..."... whatever that meant...

Giving me a look of utter disgust... she banished me from her sight... forthwith... telling me that she would report my "bet beheviurr"... to Papa... and to get out of the Ladies Toilette... before I “durtiet de airr arount herr... ieven morr”...!

Blushing with self-consciousness... as the other ladies... emerging one by one... glared at me disapprovingly... with scathing looks of disgust... except for one... who gave me a secret smile... and a wink of understanding... I made a hasty retreat...

I was so mortified... that the tears sprang to my eyes... and at the same time... my heart was heavy with disappointment...  for Xenia had let me down... yet once again... as an understanding mother figure...

All through the long lunch... I sat dejectedly... hardly able to swallow the food... on my plate... expecting Papa's wrath and disgust... like thunder... to descend upon my bowed head... any second...

But to my great surprise... he never uttered a single word of remonstrance...!

On the contrary... he smiled and chatted away... showing himself to be in an exceptionally good mood...!

And as for Xenia... she acted as if nothing was wrong... even smiling... and talking to me... as if I was a little child... a habit she had acquired... whenever I made her feel uncomfortable... with my open frankness...

I was plagued... for the rest of that afternoon... my question still frustratingly unanswered... still burning in my chest... 

Why... oh why... I fretted... did I have to be so ignorant about things... still...?

And then the perfect person to go to... for some answers... struck me...  Of course... my all wise-in-the-ways-of-men sister... Prima...!  Why hadn't I thought of her before...?

Well... the truth of the matter was... that apart from sharing the same cabin... I actually saw very little of her... Because... being forever... easily popular... she was usually off... somewhere... with her own clique of friends... doing whatever it is they did together... or rehearsing... for yet another spectacular extravaganza of Helga's...

I was shyly reluctant... to go to Prima... at first...  But then... taking the bull by the horns... deciding that my problem... was life-important... and grave enough... for me to interrupt... whatever pleasant pastime... she might be engaged in... I finally sought her out... for much needed enlightenment...

I didn't want to butt in... on the fun she might be having... with the other girls and boys... closer to her age... so I approached her... rather timidly...

But being very sensitive... to her little sister... sensing immediately... that she was deeply troubled... she took me aside... without hesitation... and looking up at me... gently asked... what the matter was...

So I hunkered down... to her height... and began to tell her...my sorry tale of woe... and starting to shake all over again... as I relived... how frightened and trapped... I had felt... in that small... dark room... with the uncouth Frenchman... Prima put out her hand... and stopped me...

Then... tenderly leading her trembling little sister... to an isolated table... on deck... and sitting us down... in chairs... facing each other... her soft brown eyes... full of loving concern... she gently chided me... saying that she wished that I had come to her first... instead of going directly to Xenia... whom I knew... she had always loathed... and despised...

Becoming shy... I told her that I hadn't wanted to intrude... on the fun she was obviously having on board... feeling again the familiar pang... of longing to be in her company... more often than I was... knowing that I was still much too young... for her crowd...

But this time... to my great relief... I was treated... with great loving kindness... and consideration... as my dear... dear... motherly big sister... who had never... ever let me down... when it counted... not once... listened very closely... and patiently... to my frightening story... and then gently explained to me... the different ways... in which men approach women... starting with the differences... in our anatomies...

In very easy to understand words... Prima gently enlightened me... letting me know... in no uncertain terms... what the Radio Operator... had really been after... telling me that I had probably excited him “sexually”... (also a new word for me)... because I was so pretty... and that his reaction... to such a grown-up looking young girl... was quite normal... for a man...!

And she took a great deal of time... and patience... in giving me pointers... on how to protect myself... from the unwelcome... physical attentions... and advances of men... in general...

When I finally left her side... I was completely... and utterly satisfied... that I now understood fully... the other meaning of the word "sex"... and my heart swelled with gratitude... yet again... to have such an understanding... loving... and wise beyond her years of only seventeen... older sister...

And it dawned on me... that since Mummie had given birth to her... when she was barely seventeen... she must never have regarded Prima... her first born... as her daughter... but preferred to regard her... like her younger sister... and intimate confidante... And that was why... ever since I could remember... Prima had always been much more mature... for her age...

Because... as I poured my heart and soul... out to her... never once... did she imply... by word or action... that she thought that I had been a dirty girl... like Xenia had...

When I next saw Papa and Xenia... at dinner time... Xenia still acted... as if nothing was wrong... still treating me like a small child... tittering nervously... until Papa finally got fed up... and glared at her...

And my heart almost stopped... for I expected her to blurt out... that she was nervous... because "Grad-zella" had upset her... yet again... But she kept her mouth shut... subsiding meekly... under Papa's angry stare...

So I finally relaxed... and tackled the food on my plate... with gusto...  I had always had a voracious appetite... eating enough for four... at one sitting... and never put on an ounce of fat...!

And by the time the evening meal concluded... it had become very clear to me... that Xenia had never really had any intention... of saying one word to Papa... about his “durty” daughter... after all...  And I Sent Up a thankful prayer...

"Whew... what a relief..."... I murmured to myself... as I got ready for bed that night... breathing easy... for the first time... since that horrible day began - that unexpectedly shocking... insulting day... that I would never forget... as long as I lived - my very first... disgusting... near sexual encounter with... and possible ravishment... by a crude... vulgar stranger Frenchman...!

Vastly different... by far... from my brief... tender romantic interlude... with Everett... whose memory... with each passing hour... was fast becoming less painful to bear... and more and more vague... and hazy...!

Until it dawned on me... as my head touched my pillow... that it was actually becoming increasingly harder and harder... to remember... what he looked like... at all... other than that he resembled Nelson Eddy...!

Chapter 3
Some Deep Soul Searching... On Board The Majestic “Klipfontein...”!

Now that I was tucked away safely... in my bed... the horrible realization... suddenly dawned on me... that I had really... and truly... had a very narrow escape... that morning... from that vulgar... uncouth Frenchman... in the Radio Room...!

Then it hit me... with a soul-wrenching shock... that I had actually almost had my... to me... precious body... the sacred temple... of my soul... violated... and by a stranger's raw... animal lust... and this already... at the tender age of eleven... going on twelve...!!!

(Again... I remind the reader... that I had no memory... whatsoever... at the time of writing this... of my terrifying... babyhood sexual abuse...)

"How frightening... and heart-poundingly scary...!"

... I whispered loudly to myself... shaken to my very core... my voice eerily echoing... out into the darkness... the sound of it... startling me...!

The more the awareness... of the enormity... of the near-miss intimate outrage... on my body... sank deeper and deeper... into my consciousness... the more I agonized... beginning to have soul-deep self-doubts...!

Sleep refused to come...  There was to be no peaceful... restful slumber for me... not that night...!

I would not be allowed to sink down... into my soft pillows... with a clear conscience... secure in the knowledge... that I had been a good girl that day... polite... courteous... thoughtful... and kind... to everybody that came into my orbit... not to mention... the unwritten law... of always respecting... my elders... and other people's privacy...

I had not hogged the swimming pool... nor grabbed that magazine... that had caught my eye... highly piquing my interest... when I had wandered... into the Reading Room... right after my wonderful... enlightening session with Prima...

The magazine was lying face up... on one of the tables... in the center of the room... showing a glossy close-up... of beautiful Greta Garbo... she of the tragic face... solemn expression... and the faraway look... in her dreamy... secretive... enormous eyes...

And here she was... as I had never seen her before... her head thrown back... with abandon... and she was actually laughing...!

The blazing caption... in capital letters... above her head read...:

"Garbo Laughs...!!!"

Then in smaller print beneath...:

"Read All About It...!  See the Great One As Never Before...!  In Frank Capra's Latest Box Office Smash Hit "Ninotchka"...!

 

(The enchanting movie is #1109 of the Little Cilandak Video Library...)

I was thoroughly intrigued... I simply had to read the latest... about one of my all time favorite movie stars...

(As I gazed down fondly... at her exquisite features... little did I know... that I was soon to experience... one of the most frightening moments... of my life... when I would be mistaken for her... and fan-mobbed... in New York City...!)  

It so happened... that one of the ship's passengers... an Irishman called Mr. Dutton... was also there... in the Reading Room...

And noticing the magazine... at the same time that I did... his eyes lighting up... with anticipated literary pleasure... reached out to pick it up... at exactly the same moment I did... and our fingers brushed each other's accidentally...

Because I was a girl... he had gallantly offered to relinquish the coveted magazine... and with a courtly bow... gently nudged it into my hand... trying... in vain... to hide his disappointment...

But seeing that he was dying to curl up in one of the big... soft lounge chairs... to be happily transported... out of the real... uncertain world... for a while... I had suddenly felt magnanimous...

And feigning exaggerated boredom... by politely yawning... behind my hand... had said something inane... about it now being time for my beauty sleep... graciously backing down... letting him have the mutually coveted magazine...

To further prove to the polite... rare gentleman... who was not avoiding my eyes... like so many of the other passengers did... that I really didn't care that much... about the silly old thing... I gaily waved to him... with a smile... as I left the Reading Room... doing my grand tragic bit... to hide my own disappointment...

But just as I swept through the doors... I heard him call after me...:

"I'll save the magazine for you... my dear... I know you're dying to read it...!"

So much for my terrible... unconvincing performance... I thought gloomily... I had not fooled him one little bit...!

But then the thought... that this kindly... dappper man... with an ascot... rakishly draped around his neck... practically a stranger... after all... was actually paying... singular attention... to insignificant to everybody else me... considering my feelings... and calling me "my dear"... cheered me up... for a little while... until the leering face of the Frenchman... loomed into my mind...!

And I said to myself... trying to lift up my sagging spirits... reassuringly...:

"Oh well... Let that be your good deed for today - remember after all... you are still a bona-fide Brownie Girl Scout... Besides... if charming Mr. Dutton... keeps his promise... you'll have the coveted magazine in your hands... tomorrow...!"

I tried to keep my mind... on the pleasant anticipation... of reading all about the new Greta Garbo... but it was no use... My mind was a seething cauldron... of self-recrimination... and fear... and doubt...!

As I tossed and turned... unable to sleep... the dark miasma of my thoughts... thickly engulfing me... I found myself going over and over... in my mind... the frightening... soul-shaking events... of that morning...

I started to wonder... whether... maybe... perhaps I had somehow encouraged... the French Radio Operator's amorous advances...!

Maybe I had given him flirtatious looks... without realizing it... such as I had seen acted out... between my favorite film stars... in the movies I had seen...

I mulled over the events... of that morning... very carefully... my senses sharp.. visualizing in my mind's eye... how I had behaved...

Going over my mannerisms... I recalled the inflection of my voice... my attitude... and the way I held my embarrassing... too tall for my age... gawky body...

And finally coming to the firm... irrevocable conclusion... that I had been innocent... of all wrong-doing... shouted out... into the darkness of my cabin...:

"I am absolutely... definitely... totally INNOCENT!"

Now thoroughly convinced... I reasoned sternly with myself...:

"You... my dear Gra-zi-ella... did not encourage that Frenchman Radio Operator... in any way... shape or form... for him to behave... in that insultingly disgusting way... towards you...!

You are most assuredly... no self-confident... poised woman of the world... no femme fatale... sure of her female power over men...! 

On the contrary... you are an awkward... shy... unsure of herself creature... neither child... nor grown-up woman... terribly self-conscious... about your height - much too tall for a girl your age...!

And what about your budding breasts... which are a perpetual source of excruciatingly... painful embarrassment...? That's why you always hunch your shoulders... to hide them...!

And what about your disgusting... lifelong... nervous habit... of biting your nails... down to the quick...?

And the general outline... of your physical form... is much too skinny... bony... gangly... and mostly all legs... and long monkey arms... and most definitely... not physically alluring... but most unfeminine... and awkwardly unshapely-looking...!

So... you are most assuredly... very uncertain... about your "nowhere" femaleness... You are like a yo-yo... always fluctuating... between being a boisterous tomboy... and a very wobbly... painfully unsure-of-herself... God Knows what...!

So... in summing up your present... peculiar looking self... you could not possibly have given that Radio Operator... any encouragement... whatsoever... unless... of course... it was purely... irrevocably unconsciously...!"

I very carefully weighed everything... Prima had told me... and came to the conclusion... that I had to face the fact that...:

No. 1 :   I did look older than I was... mainly because of my height of now about five feet seven inches plus... in my bare feet... and eight... in my shoes...

No. 2 :   I had a pretty... oval face... translucent-like... alabaster skin... startlingly blue eyes... that were extremely sensitive to sunlight... forcing me to squint... unbecomingly... whenever outdoors...  Also a small Roman nose... and small ears... a sensitive mouth... with a slightly pouty underlip... white... pearly teeth... slightly uneven...

No. 3 : An unusually long neck... with bony shoulders... the left one... slightly lower than the right one... on top of a too skinny body... which was long in the waist...

No. 4 :  Arms as long as a gorilla's... at the end of which... were graceful... long hands... with long tapering fingers... at the end of which... were those ugly... unsightly... often bloody... ragged ridges... supposed to be called nails...

No. 5 :  Exceptionally long thighs... and long legs... that seemed to go on forever... indented hips (a sign of nobility... I had been told once by someone... - actually true!)

No. 6 :  And lastly... my long... crowning glory... which I loved... was like spun... silken gold... reaching wavily down... to below my chest...

I so dearly wanted to wear it free and loose... like Prima wore her gorgeously thick... naturally curly... chestnut hair... with a wide silver... diamond-designed hairband... holding her glorious mass back... off her beautiful face... Longing to feel the ocean breezes... caress my tresses... when I was out... walking on deck... like on that one magical day... when I was destined to meet dear Everett...

But Papa sternly forbid me to... reminding me that... even though I was not in school right now... I was nevertheless... still a schoolgirl... insisting that I continue to keep on wearing my beautiful hair... plaited in loathed braids... for my protection... "from unwelcome advances... of hot-blooded men..."!

Summary:

It had become very obvious to me now... as I lay under my covers... my senses alarmingly full of trepidation... that I could not escape the fact... that there would be all sorts of men... in my future... some of whose unwelcome amorous... or lecherous advances... I would... no doubt... have to learn to protect myself against... judging from what had almost happened to me... that morning... unawares...!

So I turned to the very best... and for me... only Source... that I could... knowing positively... in my innermost being... that He Would Give me the Very Best Advice... in the world... Advice suited... to my own character... and burgeoning personality...: my Beloved Heavenly Father...

I talked very seriously with Him... throughout the long... long night... asking Him... as sincerely as I knew how... To Be Shown a Way... that would be infallible... in dissuading any... and all... unwelcome sexual advances... of all the men... that I would invariably be meeting... in the future... the older and more shapelier... my body became...

I knew I could not escape... the certain inevitability... that there would be men... in my life... men who would be physically attracted... to my particular kind of exceptionally tall beauty...

So that my soul... was in deep conversation... with my Creator... Almighty God... my Heavenly Father...

And it had now become... of vital importance to me... to seek... and get Divine Help... that memorable night... for my future... as a possibly desirable to men... woman... set loose in the dangerous world...!

I talked to Him... as earnestly as I knew how... long into the wee hours... of the morning... until I finally became drowsy...

And... having complete and utter trust... and faith... that He Would Not Let me down... this time either... I went to sleep at last... feeling comforted... that I had confided... in the Best Counselor... I could ever have... knowing that I would have my Divine Answer... very soon...

I now had a thoroughly clear conscience... knowing deep down... in my soul... that my Heavenly Father Was Pleased... that I was taking the matter... so seriously...

Wanting... with every fiber of my being... only to behave... as He would have me behave... as hopefully one of His more favored daughters... in this so often frightening... Created World of His... during this lifetime...

Sure enough... as soon as I opened my eyes... in the morning... alas for once... too late... to see the spectacular sunrise that day... I Was Aware... That A Miraculous Divine Answer... Was Already Printed... Deep Inside Me..!

Very simple... really...

First of all...:  I was never to flagrantly... and deliberately... flaunt my body... in front of men... friends... or strangers... such as by swaying my hips... suggestively... as I walked... or in any way... draw particular attention... to my female form...

Secondly...:  I was always to behave like a lady... in front of them... speaking clearly... in a soft... well-modulated voice... never ever... using foul... or vulgar language...

Thirdly...:  I was always to dress... in good taste... never revealing parts... of my body... that would invariably automatically excite a man's prurient senses... such as exposing my bosom... or my legs... above the knees...

Furthermore... I should preferably keep my upper arms... and shoulders covered... in public... as much as possible... except for bathing suits...

Lastly...:  Every time... I was subjected to unwelcome... amorous... or blatantly sexual advances... by a man... I was to do my utmost... to distract his attention... from noticing me... as a physically desirable woman... by letting him know... in no uncertain terms... that I did not indulge... in casual... sexual liaisons...

And I should make every effort... to engage my would-be seducer... in serious discussions... on any "safe" topic... such as travel... classical literature... music... and so on... (as long as it veered away from sex...)

For there were myriads of subjects... in the world... that interested most men... besides sex... which was always just beneath the surface... of their psyches...

I Was Told... that it Was The Will of God... that the normal male be born... with an innate urge... inside him... to procreate... and therefore... it did not take much... for him to become sexually aroused... especially at the sight of a pretty girl... or beautiful woman...!

And I Was Made to feel... and become aware... of the Spiritual responsibility I had... as a daughter of God... to be most careful... not to carelessly arouse a man's libido... unless... of course... he was my husband...

For it was not fair... to expect the man... who is primarily aroused... by the visual... to always be able to control his easily aroused sexual urges... around a female... all by himself... For she should carry some of the responsibility herself... as well...

I am living proof today... that all of the above Divine Counsel... worked for me... whenever I obeyed... What Was Printed... And Etched... Deep Inside My Soul... that unforgettable night...

However... I am ashamed to say that... there were times when... so desperately starved for affection... longing to feel the safe comfort... of being lovingly cradled... in a strong man’s arms... I would give my heart to him... imagining to myself... that he was the love of my life... although deep inside me... I knew he wasn’t...!

I would tell myself... that I was being a “modern” city girl... looking for love... like all the other young women I knew... especially when a roaring drunk Prima goaded me... on my eighteenth birthday... to let myself go... and sleep with a man... tauntingly calling me Miss Goody Two Shoes... and teasing me... for being so pious...!

And whenever I impulsively kicked over the traces... trying to be as "modern"... as the next girl - and there were quite a few times in my youth - between the ages of 18 and 21... when I willfully disregarded... the Divine Commandments... Printed in my soul... I would Be Made to pay... and pay dearly...

Because... without fail... the romantic liaisons... in which I found myself giving in to... would end in great suffering for me... not only by my lovers hurting me... by unfaithfulness... and deceit... but because I knew... in the deepest part of me... that I had displeased... and disappointed... my Beloved Heavenly Father... greatly...!

Since people... and their psyches... have always fascinated me... no end... now that I was becoming a young woman... there was more... than a tinge of curiosity... to find out what made young men tick...

Although I quickly found out... that I found the older man... far more interesting... than males my own age...!

Becoming a fledgling opera singer... at the age of sixteen... and living in Europe... it was very easy to meet men... of different nationalities...

So... from the age of eighteen... I would have romantic... often platonic liaisons... with some handsome Swede... (usually in love with himself) ... Greek... (very exuberant about life )... Armenian... (gentle of soul)...  German... (too regimented)... English South African... (very poetic)... Italian... (very vocally ardent)... Norwegian... (reticent)... Rumanian... (romantic of heart)... Czechoslovakian... (likewise)... Austrian... (musical)... Spanish... (hot-blooded and proud)... Dane... (intellectual)... Belgian... (broad-minded)... etc... etc...

And yes... even Frenchmen... or any man... with French blood in him...!  They were my greatest weakness... and downfall... for they were the lovers... and husbands... who caused me the most grief of all...!

Because... of all the nationalities... the Frenchman... from the lowliest... to the highest... often fickle... has an infallible... perfect instinct... for knowing how to make a female... feel like the most desirable... most cherished woman... in the world... knows exactly... how to charm her... for his understanding... of the female nature... is very natural to him...!

I was curious to find out... how the men... of different nationalities wooed... and seduced their women... about what kinds of lovers... these men from different countries... would be like... and I discussed the subject... with many of them... without going to bed with them...!

But desperately wanting to be sexually normal... mostly looking for the ONE MAN... whom I had given my heart to... who would unlock my sexual freeze... melt the terrible grip of fear... and revulsion I always had... towards the act of sexual intercourse... no matter how much I was in love with him... and wanted to give myself to him... with every fiber of my being...!

A terrifying vise... that had a stranglehold... over my sensitive vagina... ever since I was brutally... sexually attacked... by a young German POW... when I was an innocent... head in the clouds... dreamer... always with one foot in Heaven... a romantic teenager of 17... living as a student in England...

Yearning to experience the overwhelming heady sensation... of sexual passion... with that ONE MAN... with whom I had fallen in love with... more than anything else...

Although I never did... because the sexual trauma... I was suffering from... went so deep... that it took some 35 years... of worshipping my Beloved Heavenly Father... Allah Almighty God... through the Latihan Kejiwaan of SUBUD... before I was Purified by Him... of that horrendous... soul-shaking experience... of personal... intimate violation... that no female in the world... of whatever age... should ever have to be forced to go through... against her wishes...

And I finally experienced... normal sexual arousal... for the very first time... in my life... when I was about 68...!!!

(The full story... of that terrifying ordeal... and subsequent incredible... Miraculous Revelation... by my lifelong... Guardian Angel Friend... some 35 years later... when He Told me... "That The Purification... Of Your Deep Seated Sexual Trauma... When You Were Seventeen... Living In England... As A Student... Is Now Over...!"... are fully told... in my Spiritual Odyssey... “From Seven Hells... To Seventh Heaven... SUBUD...”)

There were times... when I would champ at the bit...frustratingly annoyed... that I could not be devil-may-care... and free spirited... like my gypsy wild... forever boy crazy... sister Prima... and many of my girl friends... who took their love affairs... so casually... easily flitting... from one man to the next... with no residue of remorse... or much regret... Even having abortions... and going to a cocktail party... right afterwards...!

But I... on the other hand... would always hear that Still Small Voice... inside me... Warning me...!

And becoming rebellious... wanting to be like my sister... and lighthearted girl friends... I would willfully toss my head... in defiance... and ignore What I Was Being Told... inside me...!

And throwing all caution to the winds... I would allow myself... to be seduced by some man... to whom I had given my heart... always with the hope... that he would turn out to be THE ONE... and quickly finding out... that he wasn’t...

And I would inevitably suffer... great remorse... and shame... and always be immediately afflicted... with yet another bout of my plagued... excruciatingly painful... chronic curse... of Cystitis... (yeast infection)...!

Knowing... deep inside me... that my blatant... deliberate... and defiant disobedience... of my Heavenly Father's Perfect Will for me... had earned for me... a great deal of deserved anguish... in my heart... and soul... and body...!

Because I had clearly sinned... against myself... dirtying my sacred body... even though my feeling inside... was always serious... towards the current man... in my life...

Because... in reality... I was so starved for affection... that I romanticized... all those casual liaisons... making them more serious... than they actually were...!

For it was really always enough for me... just to have the affection... of being held closely... in the safety... of a loving man’s strong arms...

And there were more sensitive... sympathetic men... who... understanding my need... for affection... would simply hold me in their arms... through the long... lonely night... without insisting on the dreaded act of sexual intercourse... or have me perform... any other form of sexual gratification... for them... many of them... being kindly homosexuals... of all kinds of professions... including ballet dancer friends... of the opera house...

On the other hand... on those occasions... when I was taken completely by surprise... and attacked physically... while I was earnestly being serious... and obedient to God... and therefore innocent... of any wrong-doing... my Guardian Angel... Would Instantly Come to my rescue...!

Such as during the two years... when I was attacked daily... by my lustful... young Swiss Nazi school teacher... in Zurich... my Protecting Guardian Angel... Would Always Give me that familiar... Super Human Strength... I needed... to fight him off...!

Even though I had disobeyed His Warning... not to wear my pink angora sweater... which showed off my budding breasts... so prettily... to my very first day... in a Swiss school... just after I turned twelve... even arguing with Him... about the great culture of Europe... and the geniuses it had produced... and that surely the Swiss... were not that pettily narrow-minded...!

Thereby my Guardian Angel... Would Protect me... from having to endure the most unwelcome... deeply insulting... horrendous experience... of having my body sexually violated... against my wishes...!

En passant... I would like to add... that the one nationality... I drew the line with... in my sixteen years... of living on the African continent... described in my autobiography... "Seven Hells...”... was the Dutch South African... the die-hard Afrikaaner...

For no matter... how appealing he might be... in looks... and intelligence... the thought that the man might well... in all probability... be a racist... with a seething... well-camouflaged loathing... for his fellow kindred brother... who was Black... churning around inside him... no doubt well nurtured... by his father... Afrikaaner teachers... and even Reformation preachers... from childhood... would be a deterrent for me...

His hatred for the black South African... whom he derisively refers to... as a “kaffir”... boiling just beneath the surface... of the civilized influence... of his Dutch Reformation Church upbringing... in which the Boer adherents are raised...

Fervently believing that they... and only they... are the Chosen of God... was a convincing enough deterrent for me... from engaging in any form of relationship... whatsoever... with him... sexual dalliance... or otherwise... and I tried to avoid intimate contact with them... like the plague...

Chapter 4
Terror Enters My Life... For The Very First Time... At The Age Of About Four... When Almost Kidnapped... I Hear My Guardian Angel’s Voice... For The Very First Time... In My Life... As He Divinely Delivers Me... From A Fate... Much Worse Than Death...!

The frightening encounter... with the ship's Radio Operator on board... reminded me of the time... when a Daiku-san... had chased my Amah Suzuki and me... through the village streets of Kobe... where we were living at the time... with the intention... of kidnapping me... for the Oriental Sex Slave Market...!

Girls with fair skin... blonde hair and blue eyes... were very rare... in the Far East... and fetched the highest prices...!

And the danger of being abducted... for the sexual indulgence... of wealthy Mandarin slave owners... not to mention... the teeming brothels... of the decadent cities... such as those of Shanghai... and Hong Kong... and Macao... was always prevalent... throughout the Orient... and had been... for many years...!

The day I almost got spirited away... was a day... like any other... when I was about four years old...!

We had recently acquired... a new Amah... and her name was Suzuki... She was a very gentle... modestly retiring... pretty young girl... endearingly dainty and quaint... and always impeccable... in her appearance...

I was thrilled... to have a young... and pretty Amah... for a change... who came from the city of Kobe... because my previous succession... of village Amahs... had been older... and plain looking... and more peasant-like...

I had loved Suzuki... at first sight - she reminded me of a beautiful little bird... especially when I came to notice... that she startled so easily...

In my more mischievous moments... I would love to tease her... playfully... just to watch the funny way... in which her face would "jump"... whenever I pounced upon her unawares... her round red cheeks "popping"... as her pretty little rosebud mouth flew open... exclaiming...: "Eh!"...

It was never my intention... to seriously frighten her... but I couldn't help myself... for her funny facial expressions... afforded me no end of delicious moments of fascination...

On this particularly fateful day... I was at my "tomodachi" (friend) Bokoro's "uchi" (house)... absorbed in the game of "Jan-ken-pon"... with him (the now well-known game of choice of scissors... paper or stone)...

And when Suzuki... came looking for me... to take me home for lunch... instead of being a good little girl... docilely allowing myself... to be led away by her... I suddenly decided to give her a merry chase...!

And flashing her a cheeky grin... I raced away from her... running into the uchi... of my other tomodachi... Nokiroko... right next door...!

Suzuki let out a startled "Eh"... then gave awkward chase... her wooden getas... making it difficult for her... to get up any speed...

Already tall for my age... enjoying myself hugely... I decided... on impulse... that I was not going to make it easy for her... to catch up with me...!

So I kept on dashing in and out... of the uchis... of all my tomodachis... in the village of Kutsu Kake... with poor Suzuki panting after me... her cheeks "popping" ... redder and redder... "Eh-ing" ... every time I managed... to elude her grasp...

All my Japanese tomodachis... called me "Sera-chan"... their version of my name "Graziella"... because of their great difficulty... in pronouncing the "ella" part of my name...  (It is a known fact that... for some strange reason... it is nigh impossible... for the Japanese... to enunciate the letter "L"...!)

Poor Suzuki was soon desperately out of breath... gasping... as she tried to keep after me... in her mincing little steps... her getas click-clacking... imploringly calling out...:

"Sera-chan...! Sera-chan...! Matsu... matsu...!"(wait)

No sooner did she chase after me... into a house... gasping out her funny explosive "Eh"... as she quickly caught up with me... after the customary bows of greeting my hosts... I was already squatting... grabbing some tempting food... off the family dining table... hastily stuffing the tasty morsel... into my mouth... and back up on my feet again... in a flash... and after more bows... dashing off to some other friend's house... on my exceptionally long legs... gleefully repeating the whole exciting adventure of snacking... and running... over and over again...!

It was great fun - poor Suzuki's puffy cheeks... reminding me more and more of Tomo's bottom... in my favorite Japanese storybook... just as pink... and round and puffy...!

No one was ever surprised to see me...  I was always heartily welcomed... in all my tomodachis’ uchis (pronounced “oochis”)... as one of the family... everybody greeting me... with beaming smiles... and the customary ritual of bowing low... reverently...

And I... of course... would always smile... and bow right back... uttering the appropriate words of politeness...:

If it was morning... we would bow to each other... solemnly declaring...:

"Ohayo-gozaimasu..."

If it was afternoon... the greeting would be...:

"Konnichi-wa..."

And if it was the evening... we would politely say... to one another...:

"Komban-wa..."

Customary greetings... would always be followed... by enquiring after the other person's well-being... by asking...:

"Gokigen ikaga desu-ka?"

And the expected reply... would be...:

"Watakushi-wa genki desu" (I am fine)... and hopefully not...: "Watakushi-wa byoki desu..." (I am ill)...

The communal dining table... usually stretched... across the middle of the sparsely furnished... main family room... a striking... intricately carved object... of highly polished dark lacquer... standing about six inches off the floor... either measuring about six feet long... or round... spanning about five feet across... in diameter...

It is customary... to squat around the low table... on one's haunches... But before one partakes... of the array of food... sitting on the gleaming surface... in delicate porcelain plates... and lacquered bowls... of red and black... one is first expected to wait... until the invitation to help oneself to the food is heard... from the elder hosts...:

"Dozo meshi-agatte kudasai..."

The invitation to eat... is uttered... with much bowing of heads...

To which one is supposed to respond... with equal bowing of one's head...and politely responding...:

"Arigato-gozaimasu... Itadakimasu..."

"Thank you... I shall..."

And then... when one has finished dining... one is expected to say that it was delicious...:

 "Gochiso-sama..."

Never ever forgetting... to follow the whole rigmarole of tradition... with the obligatory combination... belch/pleasure sound of...:

"Sh-k-e-e-e desu n-e-e-e-e-e...!”

So that your gracious hosts... would be most pleased... that their culinary offerings... were greatly appreciated - hence faces saved - no dishonor...!

I was enjoying myself hugely... for I had never gone from uchi to uchi before... with my other Amahs... but only one uchi at a time... and only by invitation...

But this time... I was dashing into one tomodchi’s uchi... after another...!

Smiling... and gravely bowing... greeting all the members of the family... as they sat on the tatami... on their haunches... waist-high to the communal dining table...

And being invited to help myself... thanking them... and quickly squatting down... eating little bits of delicacies... of rice... or noodles... with morsels of different vegetables... from small... delicately decorated china plates... and in attractive red and black lacquer bowls... some with lids on them... all deliciously... and flavored differently...

So that picking up... a morsel of food... with one's "hashi" (chopsticks)... one could savor its distinctive taste... before picking up another morsel of food... from another container... to enjoy its different taste...

Then... as Suzuki caught up with me... thanking my gracious hosts... hastily bowing... being sure to remember to belch... and dashing off to my next tomodachi’s uchi... down the road...!

Since I was able... to converse freely... with my tomodachis... in fluent Japanese... I felt very much at home with them... in their humble houses... made of wood and paper...

In fact... I much preferred... by far... squatting on the soft fouton cushion... in front of a low table... eating leisurely... with easy to manage "hashi" (chopsticks)... than sitting at the dining table at home... my delicate buttocks... uncomfortably sensitive... to the hard... wooden chair... beneath them... my baby chin... barely level... with the edge of the rough... high... heavy table... frequently suffering... nasty abrasive scraping...!

For such things... as a high chair... for babies... were not available... in Japan... at that time...

I also... always had the devil of a time... trying to handle... the awkwardly cumbersome array... of silverware... to eat the to me... not very appetizing food...:

Heavy knives... (separate ones for fish and meat... the one for meat... having a sharp edge... and the one for fish... like a slightly bigger butter knife)...

Then there were all those forks... one for meat... with narrow tines... and the one for fish... with broader tines... and one smaller one for salad... and an even smaller one... for fruit... cheese... and cake...

And then there were the spoons... one big one for soup... another smaller one for sweets... and another even smaller... for tea...

And last but not least... a teeny-weeny spoon... to fit the tiny saucer... of the coffee demi-tasse - although I never got to actually use it... since I was never allowed to drink coffee...

Up until the age of three... I usually used my silver “cusher”... for eating all the to me... unappetizing European food... insisting on my very special name... for the pusher... for babies...

And I always thought... that it was such a waste of utensils... when all you really needed... to pick up... and eat... any kind of food... was a single pair of light-as-air hashi... which was usually made of lacquer... beautifully decorated... with inlaid glittering mother of pearl of colorful flowers... or exotic birds...

And if the delectable morsel... happened to be too slippery... for the hashi... why all you had to do was bring your bowl... up to your mouth... and delicately slide all the good stuff up into it... So much more simple... by far... and much less... to wash up...!

Finally... I had run out of uchis... to dash into... and decided... that I had teased my poor Amah... long enough - I had better be a good girl now... and go home with her...

So instead of running away again... when she caught up with me... the next time... at my last tomodachi Ashira's house... I stayed put...

And thanking my hosts... politely... and belching my appreciation... and bowing reverently... to them... I took Suzuki... by her hand... then walked docilely... beside her... out into the bright sunshine... now happily resigned... to head for home...

We had to walk across an open field... to get to our street... and as we crossed it... we saw a group of "Daiku-sans" (construction laborers)... sitting around a small campfire... eating out of their "bentos" (lunchboxes)...

One could always recognize them... because they wore blue bandannas... across their foreheads... tied into a knot... at the back of their heads... and wore loose... balloon-like trousers... tight at the ankles... and loose jackets... called “happis...”... both darkish blue... with white Japanese character lettering... down the sides of the front panels... identifying them... as construction workers...

(Please bear in mind that... at the time of writing this part of my life... I had no memory... of the sexual abuse... I had suffered at the hands of low class "Daiku-sans"... like these men... when I was a baby girl... and cleverly brainwashed... by a succession of village Amahs... into believing... that I was a “Nippon no Koi Mega Mi...”! (Japanese Love Goddess...)

This group of Daiku-sans... about five of them... were talking roughly... in coarse... guttural voices... at the same time gesticulating... whilst noisily slurping rice... or noodles... out of their lacquer bowls... and eating out of their square bento boxes... made of tin...

These bento boxes... are sold by street vendors... and usually contain sushi... sembei (rice crackers)... dumplings... and tofu cakes... and small dried... “moroko sakana” (crispy fish) ... with heads intact - incidentally a delicious Japanese delicacy - and a “tamago” (hard-boiled egg)...

As Suzuki and I approached them... they suddenly noticed our presence... and as if of one accord... they all suddenly stopped their raucous chatter... and gobbling down of their food... and stared at us... the expression in their collective eyes... suddenly hostile... their faces inscrutable...

And for the very first time in my life... that I could remember... I experienced a huge jolt of instinctive terror... of another human being...!

Something inside me... told me that these men meant danger... especially one of them... the youngest... who kept on staring at me... very intently... with his jet black eyes...!

And I instinctively knew... that he was very evil... for I could feel the force... of his malevolence... enveloping my suddenly turned-to-stone body... like a huge heavy cloud...!

Then something inside me... made me shake myself... out of the hypnotic state... he was gripping me in... and I found myself pulling at Suzuki's hand urgently... clutching it tightly... looking up at her... and begging her mutely... to hurry up...

I was so petrified... that I could not utter a single sound...  My heart was in my mouth... pounding with fear... and all I wanted to do... was to run away... as far... and as fast... as my already long legs... could carry me... across the vast... otherwise empty field...

But Suzuki seemed to be rooted to the spot... like a trapped deer... standing there... her whole body gone rigid... with fright...!

And as I frantically looked up at her... wondering why she wasn't moving... I could see to my dismay... and redoubled terror... that she was held there... as if in a trance... standing like a statue... staring back at the group of coarse workmen... with unseeing... blank eyes...!

I finally found my voice... and in sheer desperation... shrieked that we were in danger... yanking hard on her hand... with all my four year old might... one last time...  And that final tug... broke the strange spell... she was under...

Shaking herself... Suzuki gripped my hand tightly in hers... and tugging me along now... with determination... she made a dash for it...

And as I excitedly flew beside her... I saw to my utter dread... and consternation... out of the corner of my eye... that the youngest Daiku-san... had jumped to his feet... and started to race after us..! 

I happen to have been born with long legs... and exceptionally long thighs... and have always been able to run very fast...  I discovered my prowess... at a very early age... when I found out... that I could always outrun everybody else... my age and even older... even in my getas..!

Now here I was... running for my very life... so that I was forced to put on an extra spurt of speed...

But alas... I was slowed down by Suzuki... hindered by her short legs... and mincing steps... in her clacking getas... so that the Daiku-san... could have easily caught up with us... if he had wanted to...

But when I dared to give a fearful backward glance... over my shoulder... to see how far... he had gained up on us... he was nowhere to be seen - he had vanished into thin air...!

I was so relieved... that I let out a great big sigh... But as we rounded the corner... into our street... at the end of which our house stood... we saw the very Daiku-san... I had been so terrified of...!

He was standing... in the middle of the narrow road... with his legs spread out wide... and his arms outstretched... determined to bar our way...!

And as my heart began to pound with fear... I saw that there was an ugly... confident smirk... on his broad... but handsome peasant face... that made my blood run cold... with renewed terror...

Then I noticed a large... wooden two-wheeled cart... standing beside him... and I knew instinctively... that it was meant for me...!

Suddenly recalling the many warning stories I had heard... from my village Amahs... about how little children... were being abducted... in two-wheeled carts... in cities... all over Japan... for the very lucrative... Oriental sex slave trade... something deep inside me... reacted with great indignation... and revolt...!

And staring defiantly back up... at the insolent... grinning man... in front of me... I vowed and determined fiercely... to myself... that such a shameful fate... was not going to befall me...!

As young as I was... something proud... deep inside my soul... simply refused to become the victim... of this low-class... crude specimen... of an animal-like creature...!

Since our street was the only one... that had a European-style house... built on it... the Daiku-san would have known exactly... what street we were headed for... and had obviously preceded us... by taking a short-cut... across the empty field...!

Suzuki let out a screech of fear... and started to tremble... babbling incoherently... which for some strange reason... made my own dregs of lingering fear... evaporate instantly...!

All of a sudden... I was no longer inside the body... of a four year old girl... I felt much... much older...!

I carefully watched the menacing Daiku-san... standing there... in the deserted street... insolently grinning... very sure of himself... thinking that he had the two frightened females... in front of him... trapped helplessly... for it was the noon hour... when people were in their homes... eating their mid-day meals...

And seeing how much... he was relishing his sense of power... arrogance written all over his confident stance... his arms now crossed across his chest... gloating... almost salivating with anticipation... I began to feel a raging fury... arising from somewhere... deep inside me - the engulfing sensation of it... drowning any fear... I might have felt... only moments ago...!

Then the low-class... uncouth Daiku-san... began to talk to Suzuki... very rapidly... in a coarse dialect... too fast for me to understand... and kept pointing down at me...!

And Suzuki went pale... and started protesting... shaking her head vigorously... from side to side... pleading...: "Iyeh iyeh...!" (no no)... over and over again...!

They were now in a very heated argument... the little girl seemingly forgotten... for the moment...

And as I watched the angry exchange of words between them... fascinated... at how deeply preoccupied... Suzuki and the Daiku-san... now were with each other... I suddenly heard a Voice... Speaking in my right ear...!

And the Voice very calmly Said...:

“Dash Between His Legs...!”

And suddenly feeling... a Strange Kind of Power... Surging throughout my young body... all fear evaporated... I instantly obeyed the Voice...!

And bending down... I streaked like lightning... through a very surprised Daiku-san’s spread legs... running as if the very Jamaika (Satan)... himself... was chasing after me... not daring to glance back... not until I had reached the safety... of our garden gate...

It was only then... that I dared to look back... and saw to my great relief... that the loathsome Daiku-san... was not in hot pursuit after me... but still heatedly preoccupied with Suzuki...!

As for poor Suzuki... she arrived home... hours later... and I was utterly shocked... at her appearance... For never before... had I beheld her... in such an unkempt state...!

Her usually neat... immaculate clothing... was sadly disarranged... her kimono... torn and dirty... and her hair... all mussed up...!

And I could see... that her soft... dark doe eyes... were red and swollen... from weeping... and she kept her head downcast... as if she was filled... with great shame...!

Suzuki's pathetically sorry state... made me feel so guilt-ridden... and horrified... and ashamed of myself... for leaving her behind... that I threw myself into her arms... and looking up at her... with tears streaming from my eyes... begged her to forgive me... pleading over and over...:

"Suzuki... dozo... Gomen-nasai... gomen-nasai...!"

Promising her fervently... that I would never be so naughty again...  At that moment... her forgiving me... was more important to me... than life itself...!

I waited... my heart in my mouth... for her to say something angry... and reproachful to me - she had every right to...

But... to my great relief... she responded... by giving me such a tender smile... through her tears... bowing her head very gracefully... and saying shyly... in a soft voice... that there was nothing to forgive me for...

True to my word... I never teased her again...  And I am happy to say... that a genuine feeling of abiding love and respect for her... was born in me that day...

Chapter 5
On The Very Same Day... Of My Very First Divine Deliverance... I Also Tell My Very First Lie... To Of All People... My Adored... Precious Mummie...!

    

That frightening... yet amazing day... is etched in my memory... not only because of the near kidnapping... and making the acquaintance... of my dear Guardian Angel Friend... for the very first time... in my life... when He Helped me to escape... but furthermore... because I was introduced... for the first time... to the detrimental... powerful trait... in my character... of impulsive foolishness... which in this first case... had caused my dear Suzuki harm...!

But also... because that day... of unusual firsts... also marked the very first time... that I had told a lie... my very first lie... in this lifetime...! And it was... of all people... to my adored... precious Mummie...!

Because... when she asked me... where Suzuki was... and why she had not come home with me... after she had sent her... to fetch me home for lunch... from my Japanese tomodachi... Bokoro’s house... I suddenly felt very vulnerable... and afraid...

And I had answered... that I had no idea... shaking my long... golden curls... vigorously... for emphasis... trying to look her innocently... straight in the eye... with my blue... blue eyes...

And at the same time... terribly afraid... that she would hear the fierce beating... of my heart... which was loudly chanting... inside me...:

"LIAR... LIAR... LIAR...!"

How sick and dirty... I had felt... for the rest... of that terrible day... unable to eat my lunch... or play any of my favorite games...

And even though Suzuki had come back... and had by inference... forgiven me my willful naughtiness... my heart felt... as if there was a huge stone... sitting on it...!

And when nighttime finally came... I was so heavily weighed down... by my sin... that I cried and cried... to my Heavenly Father... begging Him to please... please Forgive His naughty daughter...

And finally... when I had no more tears left to shed... feeling utterly exhausted... with pain and shame...I heard another Voice... this time... Speaking inside me... and for the very first time in my life...!

And the Voice... Was inside my chest... inside the heavy stone...!

And what the Voice Said... Was...:

"I WILL FORGIVE YOU... MY CHILD... IF YOU GO TO YOUR MOTHER... AND TELL HER... THAT YOU LIED TO HER... AND WHY YOU LIED TO HER... WITH TOTAL HONESTY...!"

And lying there... in the darkness... under the warm blankets... I realized... with wide-eyed awe... and wonder... that I had just heard the Voice... of my Heavenly Father... Speaking inside me...! And about Whom nobody... had ever bothered... to tell me about... but Whose Presence... I had always felt inside me... ever since I could remember...!

Longing to be at all times... instantly obedient... to my Heavenly Father... Whom I loved... and adored... with every fiber... of my being... I got out of bed immediately... and went to find my precious Mummie...

Yearning now... with every inch of me... to confess my terrible sin... of lying to her... hoping for her forgiveness... so that the awful weight of the stone... on my heart... Would Be Lifted... by my Beloved Heavenly Father...

For once... my precious... adored Mummie... was at home... instead of at the YCAC... either playing another championship tennis match... in the afternoons... or dancing the night away... in the arms... of one of her many... ardent admirers...

And as my sorry tale... of my naughtiness towards Suzuki... and the terrifying encounter...with the evil Daiku-san... unfolded... the tears of shameful remorse... streaming down my cheeks... my voice hiccupping... naturally... Mummie... standing so high above me... smiled her lovely smile... and readily forgave... her Tzi-Tzi darling... her heart seeming to be full of understanding...

And little Tzi-Tzi hoped... with all her heart... that this time... her adored Mummie... would touch her... even grateful... if she only gave her a reassuring pat... on the top of her curls...

But she still would not touch me... or embrace me... holding her darling Tzi-Tzi... close to her bosom... or even plant a quick kiss on her cheek...!

For unbeknownst to innocent me... I was her unwanted... and despised love child... born in sinful adultery... and ever an embarrassing reminder to her... of her shame... and public disgrace... compounded by her guilty... sinful intention... to destroy me... while still developing in her womb...!

Naturally... at the time... with my heart so utterly captivated... and enchanted... by my exquisitely beautiful... queenly mother... I had no inkling... whatsoever... that I was so hotly repugnant to her... and barely tolerated by her...!

And then... as I wondered sadly... for the umpteenth time... why my adored Mummie... never picked me up... in her arms... or kissed me... Miracle of Miracles... It happened... my heart felt suddenly light and happy again... my brief disappointment... over my adored Mummie's lack of showing me some physical affection... totally forgotten...!!!

When I returned to my bed... that night... as I made a fervent promise... to my Heavenly Father... and myself that... for the rest of my life... I would never... ever... tell a lie again... a sudden thought... occurred to me...

And I found myself wondering... why I had not told my Mummie... about hearing the Voices... of first my Guardian Angel... in my right ear... then my Heavenly Father... inside me... recalling the split second... when my throat had suddenly Closed Up... in a peculiar way... abruptly stopping the words... from coming out of my eager mouth... as I was about to tell her... all about it...!

(As a matter of fact... this particular Way... of Closing Up my throat... thus Conveying... my Heavenly Father... Allah Almighty God's Particular... Perfect Will... for me... was to become my experience... throughout my life... whenever a Revelation... or understanding about something... Given by Him to me... was not to be shared... with anybody else... not even with those closest... and dearest to me... but was strictly for me... and me alone... To Know About...!)

And lying under the cozy... warm blankets... I told myself... that if I did tell a lie... even if accidentally... I hoped that I would always experience... the "Heavy Stone On The Heart"... as a Reminder... to quickly confess... and ask forgiveness... both of my Heavenly Father... and the person... I had happened to lie to...

In fact... throughout out my seventy-nine odd years... of living on this planet... on those rare occasions... that I have told a lie... even “white”... or even just a little fib... or exaggerate a story... I would invariably experience... the "Heavy Stone On The Heart"... that I had asked for... as a Reminder... which Would Be Lifted instantly... only after I had made my appropriate confessions...!

So... in effect... in one single day... at the age of about four... I had experienced some very momentous firsts...:

My unfortunate Aries inborn trait... of rash... thoughtless impulsiveness... very detrimental for me... my very first real terror... of another human being... and telling my very first lie...!

But of course... the two most amazing Experiences... of my four year old life... that Most Incredible... Miraculous Day... were...:

Hearing the Voice of my Guardian Angel... for the very first time in my life... Sent to me... by my Heavenly Father... to Protect me...! Speaking in my right ear... becoming His Way... of Communicating Heavenly Messages... or Dire Warnings to me... at crucial times... in my life...! 

   

And then... on the very same night... hearing the Voice... of my Heavenly Father... Speaking inside me... for the very first time...! And learning from Him... that only total honesty... in all situations... Was Acceptable... to Him... my Beloved Heavenly Father...

The world was becoming vaguely threatening to me... and I was waking up... to its quirky reality... for the very first time...!

Perhaps that momentous day... marked the end... of my innocent babyhood... although... born with a very strong... optimistic... sunny nature... I continued to believe that... basically... all people... by and large... were born good... and not evil...

Chapter 6
My Very Special Relationship... With Dear Suzuki... Who... By Example... Taught Me So Much... About Being Proud... To Be A Female...!

Suzuki and I... became very close friends... with her starting to call me her "Chiisai (little one) Sera-chan... and on those evenings... when my Mummie went out... to the Country Club... after Suzuki had tenderly bathed...and powdered me... I would often spend some precious time... in her room... in the servants' quarters... situated at the back of our house...

We would sit quietly together... and she would serve tea... in the lengthy... traditional Japanese way... and there would always be some tasty delicacy... to go with it...

This room... which she had made distinctive... with her own dainty... personal touch... was her home... and I was always made to feel... like her very special guest...

And it was from her... that I learned all about real feminine gestures... by observing the graceful way... in which she moved... and used her hands... and body...

Later on... when I was older... I marvelled at the fact... that no Caucasian female I saw... at the Yokohama Country Club... or at the International School of Yokohama... whether young or old... could equal... or match... Suzuki's refined... feminine... delicate ways...  Their movements... and gestures... were markedly coarse... and ungainly... by comparison...!

Throughout my lifetime... I have met women... of all nationalities... shapes and sizes... from all walks of life... and backgrounds... East and West... rich and poor...

And I have never... ever... come across any female... that can match the natural... feminine grace... and refinement... of the Japanese woman...  whether she be rich... or poor... beautiful... or ugly...  And it has always been one of those unexplainable... fascinating mysteries... to me...

I never found out... what actually happened to Suzuki... that fateful day... when I heard the Voice of my Guardian Angel Friend... for the very first time in my life... for she never spoke about it...

(In re-editing this book... today on June 6th (D-Day!)... at 3.30 a.m... I can say... since the terrible memory... of my own babyhood sexual abuse... was restored to me... a few years ago... that Suzuki was probably forced to fornicate... with that evil Daiku-san...!

As I had already witnessed seeing often... between his kind... and my succession of village Amahs... during those helpless... terrifying afternoons... spent in the back rooms... of the village shops...

And they would pay my succession of village Amahs... to "kensa suru no" (inspect)... and "kawaigaru" (fondle)... the "yoso no sozobutsu" (strange creature)... and slash at her little body... with their sharp... glittering knives... curious to see... whether the "burondo no chi" (blonde's blood)... flowed as red... as theirs did...!)

(And what I originally wrote... here... some ten years ago... was...:

Of course... I knew nothing about rape... at that tender age... so I imagined... that Suzuki had been attacked... or robbed... in some way... like some of the characters... in the gory Samurai movies... that she had started to take me with her to see... instead of taking me... for an afternoon in the park... as she was supposed to...)

Chapter 7
My “Nippon No Josei No Kaishi...” (Japanese Sex Initiation)... As A Little Girl... Of Only Four And A Half...! 

(In re-editing this volume of work... for the very last time... in 2009... I would like my readers to know that... when I initially wrote this chapter... over ten years ago... I had no memory... of my early babyhood sexual abuse... from the ages... of about two and a half to four...!

Because... when I was about seven years old... and begged my Heavenly Father... to please let me come Home to Him... because I had already suffered... too many shocks... in my as yet very young life... and if not... then to please let this be... my very last reincarnation on earth... He Had Caused a Miracle to Happen...!

Knowing that I carried inside me... the great... heavy weight... of my sexual shame... my Beloved Heavenly Father... Had Mercifully Removed... from my mind... the horrible memory... of all those frightening afternoons... spent helplessly... in the back rooms... of the village shops... when my little body... was sold by my succession of village Amahs... to low class "Daiku-sans"... to be inspected... and fondled... by them...!

And they were only painfully restored... during Miraculous Visitations... from my beloved soul mate... Richard... with his very gentle help... a few years ago... our Miraculous coming together... in Spirit... fully told... under a separate segment... titled... “Heavenly Visitations...”... under the streaming... "Close Encounters... Of The Spiritual Kind..."... on the recently set up website... "SUBUD Stories...")

My admission... into the realms of the mysteries of "sex"... without actually knowing... the specific name for it... other than “Shu-shu”... happened... when I was a little girl... of about four and a half... not long after... my first terrifying near kidnapping experience... and the memory of that event... is very vivid... and Was Not Erased... by my Heavenly Father... when I was about seven years old...!

It was about two years... after Papa introduced me... to the delightful... nightly Japanese custom... of communal bathing... at the Yuya (Communal Public Baths)...

My new Amah Suzuki... whom I loved... and trusted... with all my heart... and I... had been to see a Samurai movie together... one bright... sunny afternoon... and on the way home... she told me... that we were going to visit... an old O-Baa-san... the individual... usually being the village elder...

I didn't mind in the least... for I had met many O-Baa-sans... in the park... and they were my friends... and I loved them all...

(When the awful memory... of my horrendous babyhood sexual abuse... terrifyingly carried out... on my little helpless body... by rough... muscular Daiku-sans... during the weekday afternoons... was restored to me... I realized that dear Suzuki... came into my life... just after they abruptly ended... when I was about four...!

Suzuki came into my life... just after my horrible sexual abuse abruptly ended... when Papa... noticing how much I had grown... during his absence... already looking as tall as a six year old... suddenly decided to enroll me... in a ballet school... insisting that my mother... take me to my ballet lessons... personally... every weekday afternoon...!

This strict order from him... annoyed her immensely... because it meant... that she would have to forgo her daily tennis playing... at the Country Club...

So that Suzuki... who was not from the village of Kutsu Kake... but from the city of Kobe... knew nothing about what all my village Amahs... had put me through... by cleverly brainwashing... then selling me... ever since I was about two years old...!

And as I walked... into the little village shop... with Suzuki... dressed up in my lovely... bright red... expensive silk kimono... that my adored Papa... had recently given me... when he returned from one of his long business trips abroad... tightly holding onto her hand... my little heart... trusted her completely...

I had no sense of fear... or foreboding... whatsoever... for I had been in many little hole-in-the-wall "kojos" (shops)... with her... and my other Amahs... before her... so this was nothing new to me...

Sometimes Suzuki... who had a very generous nature... would buy her chiisai Sera-chan something... a delicate "sensu" (folding fan) ... with beautiful peacocks... brightly painted on it... or a "chiisana chozo" (little porcelain figurine)... or a red or black "shikki hachi" (lacquer bowl)... exquisitely embossed with a golden dragon... or exotic birds and flowers...

Every New Year's Day... all my Amahs... would buy me a funny... happy-looking... "Daruma ningyo" (roly-poly doll)... to ensure my good fortune... for the coming year...

They always made me laugh with delight... Having no legs... and because its bottom... is weighted and round... it always returns... to its upright position... no matter how much it is pushed around...  I loved to roll them around... from side to side... on their round little bottoms... barely flicking them... with my little finger...

I remember Papa... taking me to the Kitain Temple... in Kawagoe... when I was about five... for the January 3rd Festival... of the famous Daruma Ningyo... who symbolizes buoyancy... and resilience...

And as we gazed up... at the huge replica... of the red... red Daruma... her cheeks all fat and rosy... amidst all the noise of the revellers... he made me promise... to grow up... just like the Daruma... to "always be buoyant... and to always be resilient... to the quirks of life...!"

Suzuki would sometimes also buy me a book of "Nippon no Dowa" (Japanese fairytales) - my favorite was the one about the little boy Tomo... who hatched out of a peach... and had all sorts of exciting adventures... heroically fighting the forces of evil... around him... with his little samurai sword... gripped tightly... in his avenging hand...

And of course... every outing with Suzuki-san... always included... munching on a tasty Sushi... with its exciting secret ingredients inside... not to forget my very favorite "kome keki" (rice cakes)...  These are made of compressed boiled rice... shaped into rounds or squares... with a savory filling inside... eaten cold...

We also often bought squares of seasoned "tofu"... "piinatsu" (peanuts)... and "abutta kuri" (roasted chestnuts)... from the "machi urite" (street vendors)... in their "tabemono no nirin-basha" (little food carts)...

I forewent all the gooey... sticky "kyandii bo" (candy sticks)... which were much too sweet... and always hurt my teeth... a blessing in disguise...  I much preferred the crisp... salty "o-sembei" (rice and sesame seed crackers)... dipped in soy sauce... and wrapped in bands of "nori" (seaweed) strips...

The only thing I loathed... with a passion... after eating all the sumptuous goodies... was having to suffer the indignity... of Amah-san... pulling out the large handkerchief... she always kept tucked away... in the voluminous sleeve... of her kimono... spitting into it with great gusto... and wiping my face vigorously... all over with it...  I hated the smell of her saliva... wanting to vomit... every time she scrubbed my face... with her spittle...

Although... whenever I complained... she would explain... patiently... that “hito no daeki (human saliva)...  made everything clean and pure... that it was good for the “kawa” (skin)... and that I would never get sick from disease... for she was a very firm believer... in its curative powers...

(Curiously enough... except for chicken pox... and German measles... I never suffered any of the common... baby and childhood ailments... such as colic... whooping cough... croup... or mumps... nor the dreaded outbreak of acne... on my face... when I became a teenager...!  Although I did go through a short... six month “baby fat” phase... when I was about fourteen...)

So on this particular afternoon... I thought nothing of it... when the old O-Baa-san emerged... from behind the sparkling bright... glass beaded curtains... of his little shop... smiling... nodding his head... and bowing to us deferentially...

And Suzuki and I... smiled and nodded and bowed... right back at him... politely declaring our "Konnichi-wa" (Good afternoon)...

Although... already as tall as a four year old... at the age of just past two... I had often gone into lots of little "kojos"... in our village of Kutsu Kake before... all equipped with "makus"(curtains)... some of them beaded... with sparkling bright glass balls... or even made of "take" (bamboo)... I had never ever been behind one... and had always been curious to know... what mysteries lay... beyond the intriguing coverings...

And whenever I asked... to be allowed to go and see... I would be told to be patient... and promised... that I would be going through the magical curtains... very soon... any day now... and that when that time came... I would have something wonderful... revealed to me...!

Being born to an indifferent mother... to whom I... her adulterous love child... was a constant source of embarrassing discomfort... she would carelessly leave me... in the care of a succession of village Amahs... throughout the hours of my days...

And speaking fluent high class Hiragana... and being in their company so much... I naturally thought myself to be Nipponese... during the day time... and trusted all my many succession of Amahs... completely and utterly... knowing in my heart of hearts... that they would never ever... lie to me... because I was one of them...!

And Sera-chan decided... to be a very good little girl... waiting patiently... for the day... that would surely come... when she would find out... what all the mystery was about... behind those magical... brightly sparkling... beaded glass curtains...

(Kindly bear in mind... that at the time of this original writing... about ten years ago... I had no memory... of already having been taken... behind those curtains... to have my body “inspected”... and fondled... by low class Daiku-sans...)

But where these afternoon outings... with my Amahs... were concerned... I remember them vividly... but not that when I was finally allowed to go behind the bright... magical curtains... that my keyed up... delicate senses... would be alarmingly assaulted... to see a group of muscular... rough Daiku-sans... sitting in a circle... very curious... waiting for the “yoso no sozobutsu motte burondo no ke...!” (strange white creature with blonde hair...!

With all of them intent on “examining” her little body... her succession of Amahs... selling her to them... after cleverly brainwashing her... into believing... that she was born a “Nippon no Koi Mega Mi...” (Japanese Love Goddess)... born to give delight... to all men... just like the exquisitely beautiful... and accomplished geishas... whom her Amahs were forever praising to the skies... to her...!)

So when the old O-Baa-san... gestured smilingly to Suzuki and me... to follow him... through the "maho no take maku" (magical bamboo curtains)... I got very excited... my heart beating so fast... that I thought it would jump out of my throat...

I thought to myself... feeling awed... and tingly all over...:

"The longed for moment... has finally come...!"

Now I am really going to find out... what mystery... those magical "makus"... are covering...!"

I still had absolutely no sense of danger... and happily anticipated... having the "himitsu no maho" (secret magic) ... revealed to me... at long last...!

Suzuki knew absolutely nothing... about my babyhood sexual abuse... because each village Amah... who all knew each other intimately... upon leaving our house for good... would warn me... not to tell anyone anything... about our secret afternoons... in the village shops... threatening that the "shunembukai genki" (vengeful spirit)... would wreak his wrath upon me... if I did...!

And being petrified... of the fearsome "genki"... I never dared to say anything... to anybody... neither confiding in my adored... precious Mummie... adored Papa... or Suzuki... who was to be my very last... live-in Amah...

When Suzuki and I... quickly took off our "getas" (wooden clogs)... I must have already been regarding myself... as a very special little "Nippon no Koi Mega Mi" (Japanese Love Goddess)... about to receive further instruction... on how to delight men... just like a Geisha...!

It is the custom in Japan... that shoes are never to be worn indoors... by its citizens... for it is their belief... that the forces... amassed during their day... out in the world... are absorbed into their feet... and must be shaken off... back into the earth...  before entering the quiet sanctuary... of their peaceful homes...

But first there was always the loathsome... obligatory ritual... of being forced to rub the fat... protruding... shiny tummy... of the repugnantly obese... grinning "Hotei"... (Bringer of Happiness)... sitting high on his pedestal... of black laquer... with his fat... rosy cheeks... the ugly statue... usually made of porcelain...

And after my reluctantly paying homage... to the "Hotei"... the three of us... shuffled silently... in our "tabis" (specially designed mittens for the feet)... down a short... narrow hallway... single file... entering a fairly large room... at the end of it...

What confronted my eyes... were the usual low dining table... and hibachi... in which I delightedly saw the round... black balls of coal... glowing a bright red...

I had seen hibachis... many times before... in my tomodachis’ uchis... and loved to sit close to them... comfy and cozy... dressed in my kimono... warming my hands and feet... by pressing them against the porcelain sides... especially if it was chilly... and pouring with rain... outside... as during the long "Nubai" season...

Sometimes... I was allowed to rearrange... the glowing coal balls... with a pair of long... steel chop-sticks... and I loved to watch them... get redder and redder... as I picked them up... and stirred them about...

And later... when all the coal was burned up... I loved to put my hand in... and feel the soft... soft texture... of the ashes... while they were still warm...

The old O-Baa-san... drew the "shojii"... (sliding wooden doors with paper panels)... closed behind him... and invited us... with more nodding and bowing... to sit down on the "tatami" (traditional woven straw floor mat)... around the low table... facing each other...

Then the customary... leisurely... "o-cha no gishiki" (tea ceremony) ... was performed by Suzuki... and there were little plates of delicious finger-foods... offered by the old O-Baa-san... as well...

There was very little conversation... while we drank and ate... sitting comfortably... on our haunches... very much at ease with each other... warming our insides... with the delicately flavored... hot cha... the bright green color of which... always fascinated me...  But whenever our glances happened to meet... we would grin broadly... at each other... bobbing our heads up and down...

After we had finished refreshing ourselves... with food and drink... the old O-Baa-san and Suzuki... rose to their feet... and came to sit on either side of me...

Then Suzuki... in a gentle voice... softly whispered in my ear...:

"Now you are going to learn... all about the “himitsu no maho” (secret magic) ... that I promised you...!"

And as she spoke... she very gently undid my gold... brocade "obi" (cummerbund sash)... and told me to sit... on O-Baa-san's lap...

That was easy... because he was sitting... right next to me...

Totally trusting... I moved over onto him... and he gently positioned me... so that my back was to him... holding me around my waist... with his large... gnarled hands...

And I thought happily... to myself...:

"Oh Goody goody..."... we're going to play Horsey-Horsey... like Papa always plays with me...!"

And I expected to be bounced up and down... on the old O-Baa-san's knees... at any moment...

But nothing of the sort happened...

Instead... the old O-Baa-san proceeded... very gently... to lift me up... and open my kimono from behind...  He was looking down at my body... over my shoulder... his grey head cocked comically... to one side... so I giggled... and turned around on his lap... giving him a great big hug...

He laughed... delighted... then turned me around again... with my back to him... once more... and proceeded to open my legs very slowly... gently stroking my long thighs... with both of his big warm hands... at the same time...

And his touch felt so good... that I felt like purring... just like a "neko" (cat)... and said so... 

 Then I felt a pleasant tingling sensation... and saw that his fingers... were very gently... fondling my "shu-shu"... a word that all my Amahs used... to describe the area... where the water came out of me...!

Suzuki had already told me... the very night before... in the privacy of her room... after bathing and powdering my body... all about how sacred... our bodies were... and how there was not a single part of them... that we should not regard... as very precious... since the whole of our bodies... are the temples of our spirits...

And how extra magical... our hidden "shu-shus" were... compared to the ningen (men)... whose "soseiji"... was hanging out... for everybody to see...!

She even showed me hers... explaining how we both had the very same "shu-shu"... although hers was much bigger... than my tiny one...

And she had also already shown me her precious collection... of ban-wa balls... telling me how much pleasure... they gave her... whenever she inserted them inside her "shu-shu"... to make herself specially happy...

Checking my face closely... to see if I was becoming afraid... and seeing that I was happily clapping my hands... and laughing... hugely enjoying... the tickling sensation... of the old O-Baa-san’s fingers... feeling very safe and warm... sitting astraddle... on his lap... he very gently... parted my tiny "shu-shu"... and very slowly and carefully... inserted a finger inside me... immediately giving me... a very pleasant... fullish sensation...

I didn't mind this invasion... of my private parts... one little bit - I loved the old O-Baa-san... and felt happy... to be sitting on his lap... with his loving... gentle finger inside me...

I kept turning around... to give him b-i-g hugs... and each time I did so... I would be delighted... to see him chuckle happily... his fat round cheeks... getting redder and redder...

He reminded me very much... of the pictures I had seen of Santa Claus - just as round... and chubby... and jolly...  There was not the slightest bit of fear in me... not even when he very gently... inserted his little finger... just inside the entrance to my little "oshiri" (anus)... as well...

And when he gently moved his finger around... and wiggled it inside and out... no doubt activating the sensitive nerves... situated there... I felt a most pleasant... and overwhelming "giving" sensation... just like when my Amahs wanted me to "kaka"... (defecate) after eating... and inserted their little fingers... inside me... to induce a bowel movement...

In between all the giggling... and laughing... and wonderful tickling sensations... I was told that the "himitsu no maho" (secret magic)... was inside me... where the O-Baa-san... had inserted his fingers... and that one day... when I was an "otona tsuma" (young adult wife)... I would be loved... by my “otto-san” (husband) ... just like the O-Baa-san... was showing me now...

Also... that the "maho no kagi" (magical key)... to my "himitsu no maho no zaiho" (secret magical treasure)... was not his finger... but something else... also magical... which would give me the same wonderful feeling...

Between the O-Baa-san... and Suzuki... I was told that the "maho no yubi kagi (magical finger-key) ... only opened the first door... like the door to the "kojo"... and that the "maho no kagi"... that opened the door... to my "himitsu no maho no zaiho"... front and back... like the "maku" of the shop... was a "maho no kagi" ... that only O-Baa-sans... and Otto-sans (husbands) had...

Then the old O-Ba-san asked... with a twinkle in his eye...:

"Anata-wa ome ni miru watashi-no maho no kagi...?" (Would you like to see my magical key...?)

And in response... I squealed... clapping my hands with glee...:

"Hai hai... (yes yes)... dozo dozo...!" (please please)

And I began to tug at his arm... impatiently... eager to see his mysterious... "maho no kagi"... 

But when he very gently... put me off his lap... and opened his own kimono... taking out his "soseiji"... and holding it in his hand... I was very disappointed...

For I had already seen many of them... many many times before... at the Yuya... with Papa... where every boy... and every man... whether young or old... had the same kind of "soseiji"... hanging down between his legs... including my Papa...

The old O-Baa-san... noticed my disappointment... but was pleased... that I was not in the least bit alarmed... and presented his "soseiji" to me... by gently laying it... in my little hand... shaping my long fingers around it...

And I gasped... suddenly awed... at the velvety soft texture of it... never ever having touched one... before...

And I whispered... in a hushed voice... thoroughly overcome...:

"Sore wa kanzuru hibachi no toneriko hai...! (It feels just like the hibachi ashes...!"

And thoroughly enchanted... I began to concentrate on touching... stroking... and petting it... loving the soft... velvety feel of it... totally preoccupied... in hugely enjoying myself...

When... to my great surprise... I noticed that his "soseiji"... was getting bigger and bigger... and harder and harder... to the touch... looking more and more... it dawned on me... like his finger...!

Suddenly I knew... in a flash... that this was the "maho no kagi"... to my "himitsu no maho no zaiho"... and I was so happy at my cleverness... that I laughed... and chanting that I knew what the "maho no kagi" was - it was this - I yanked hard on his "soseiji"...!

And the poor old man... let out a yelp of pain... startling me...  It was obvious... that I had hurt him... in my enthusiasm... and I quickly begged his forgiveness... feeling terribly sorry... that my impulsive action... had caused him pain... imploring...:

"Gomen nasai... O-Baa-san... dozo gomen nasai...!"

Instantly... the rigidity of his "soseiji" vanished... and I saw my beautiful "maho no kagi"... shrink... and shrivel away...!

I was a bit startled... at this strange phenomenon... but wanted to feel the soft velvety skin... again... and experience the magic... of seeing it grow bigger and bigger... and harder and harder...!  So I reached out to touch it... once more... but the O-Baa-san... had already quietly closed the kimono... over his legs...

When I asked... why he had put away my "maho no kagi"... begging him to let me touch it... once again... he very gently explained... that it was for his "Okusan" (wife)... his "O-Kaa-san" (old woman) now... only... and not for me...

He had just wanted to show me... what it looked... and felt like... but that it was not really for me to play with... nor was it to open my "himitsu no maho no "zaiho" with...

And the old O-Baa-san promised me that... one day... when I was an "otona tsuma" (young wife)... I would have my own Otto-san... with his own "maho no yubi kagi" (magical finger-key)... and that I could derive much pleasure... from his loving use of it... inside my "shu-shu"... and "oshiri"...

And that his "maho no kagi"... in turn... would be mine alone to play with... to touch... and make bigger... and harder... whenever I wanted to... so that it could open my "himitsu no maho no zaiho" (secret magical treasure)... and make me very very happy...

I understood the old O-Baa-san's explanation... and accepted it... quite naturally... Not at any moment... of my indoctrination... to the mysteries... of the sexual act... was I made to feel the slightest bit fearful... or afraid...  Every gesture towards me... was gentle and loving...

It is customary in Japanese districts... to appoint certain people... for the private sex instruction... of little children...  The person usually chosen... by the villagers... is a kindly... elderly man... of good moral character... who loves children... like a grandfather...  Strangely enough... fathers never instruct their own children... about sex...!

So it is possible... that the old O-Baa-san... who instructed me so gently... and carefully... that never-to-be-forgotten afternoon... was the appointed sex educator... for the district... I happened to be living in...  And I was also most probably... his first Caucasian child... what with my fair skin... blonde hair... and blue eyes... but who... without ever being taught... spoke their language fluently... from my previous Japanese incarnation...!

I have that old man to thank.... for instilling in me... a natural acceptance... of sexual intimacy... with a man... without fear... and by his gentleness... of preparing me... for the sensations... of gentle vaginal... and rectal fondling... and penetration...

Furthermore... his beautiful explanation... describing sexual fidelity (one man to one woman)... struck a chord of response... in my romantic nature...

I sincerely believe that... because of the gentle... and loving way... in which I was taught about sex... that memorable afternoon... I have never had... any sexual hang-ups... of any kind... regarding the ways of sexual pleasure... and gratification...

After that memorable afternoon... for a while... whenever Papa and I went to the Yuya... together... I made it a point... to look closely... at all the "maho no kagis" (magical keys) ... of all the Otto-sans... and fascinated... noticed... for the very first time... that they came in all kinds of different shapes... and sizes...!

Of course... I never took the liberty... of touching any of them... thank God... (imagine the embarrassment... if I had gone around the huge... tiled "okunai suiei puru" (natatorium)... with all its pools of water... yanking on strange mens' penises!)... respectfully accepting the fact... that they did not "belong" to me...

However... whenever I felt a longing... to touch and feel the soft velvety skin... of a "maho no kagi"... I would have to content myself...by feeling the hibachi ashes... more often... closing my eyes... and imagining to myself... that I was lovingly fondling one...!

The combination of Japanese communal bathing... and my subsequent gentle indoctrination... into the mysteries of sex... with my beloved Amah-san... Suzuki... and the old O-Baa-san... was instrumental... in my being very natural... about my naked body... all my life... totally unselfconscious... about being seen... without any clothes on... by anyone... at any time...

For from a very early age... I had become quite used to seeing my Papa... walking around the house... stark naked... with heavy weights... hanging from his "soseiji"... in order to enlarge it...!

Until I had my first real... casual sexual encounter... on a taunting dare... from my tipsy sister... which happened on my eighteenth birthday...

When my handsome lover's eyes... beheld my naked form... and I noticed... for the first time in my life... the way in which a man's eyes... light up with pleasure... as he tenderly expressed... his loving admiration... for my long... long... slender body... a thrilling expression... such as I had never quite seen to such an extent... in a man's eyes before... made me decide... then and there... that from then on... there would be no more casual males... beholding the precious... naked temple of my spirit... ever again... with the exception of male doctors... of course...

That was also the horrendous night... when I discovered... to my enormous horror... and sorrow... that I was still a virgin... and that my prestigious Harley Street psychiatrist doctor... whom I had been seeing... in London... because of frequent fainting fits... after my brutal sexual assault... by a German prisoner of war... when I was seventeen... had lied to me... by telling me that I was no longer a virgin... when I Miraculously still was...!

(Those horrific... soul shaking experiences of Hell... are also fully described... in the sequel to this book... my Spiritual Odyssey... "From Seven Hells... To Seventh Heaven... SUBUD...")

Chapter 8
A Raging Storm At Sea...!  And A Hilarious... Quirky... And Very Rare... Endearing Incident... All Alone With My Strict... Authoritarian Pater...!

True to his word... Mr. Dutton appeared... at our breakfast table... the following morning... and with a gallant bow and a smile... proferred the coveted... rolled up magazine... from under his arm... placing it into my hands... murmuring...:

"As I promised... and a very good morning to you... my dear...!"

And not even Papa's disapproving frown... could spoil the special moment for me... as I... deliriously pleased...basked in the singular attention... of this polite gentleman... with eyes only for me... making me feel... like a very special person... indeed... why even a princess...!

And I beamed happily back up at him... thanking him... with shining stars of gratitude... in my eyes...

And for the rest of that day... I was walking on air... thrilled to the core... that at long last... another stranger grown-up... had truly noticed me... not with romantic interest... like dear Everett had... but with a kind of pleasing respect... for the individuality of my person...

And as I lay in my deck chair... right after breakfast... devouring the contents of the magazine... all about Greta Garbo... in her first comedy role... as the Red Russian agent... "Ninotchka"... starring opposite the charming Melvyn Douglas...(#1109 of the Little Cilandak Video Library)... I could not help but go over and over in my mind... the unexpectedness... of Mr. Dutton's singular behavior... towards me...

Had somebody finally seen through the awkward... outer layers... of my ungainly form...?  Through to my known-only-to-me... real self...?  Had I impressed this polite... courtly man... as a truly caring... intelligent... thinking... feeling human being... after all... and not as some insignificant... gangly pre-adolescent... with nothing but air... in her head... only to be seen... and not heard... and only allowed to speak... when first spoken to...?

Maybe I was finally growing up... into something of definition... a bona fide female... at least I seemed so... to this wonderful Mr. Dutton... and I shivered with delight... at this brand new experience... in my life...

Then came the morning... soon after... when it was gravely announced... over breakfast... that a storm of quite some magnitude... was brewing... out in the ocean... and that... if necessary... all the furniture... might well have to be battened down... and secured... and we... the passengers... would be forced... more or less... to fend for ourselves... the ship's crew having to operate... in make-shift fashion...!

And sure enough... a storm did hit... and on that very afternoon...! 

And what a storm it was... with gigantic... thirty-five foot swells... towering almost perpendicularly... way up above our heads... plunging the ship... into almost total darkness...!

It was a truly incredibly awesome sight... at such close proximity... for the usually quite common occurrence... in my experience... of the terribly devastating effect... of the "tsunami" tidal waves... roaring in... off the Pacific Ocean of Japan... which would literally sweep... whole villages... out to sea... in a blink of an eye... paled by comparison...!

The rolling... pitching... and the abrupt heaving... of the ship... from side to side... as if it were nothing but a plaything... to the giant swells... was a most alarming experience for me... the serious gravity... of our mighty ship's being at the mercy... of the capricious storm... being truly brought home... when I saw the crewmen busily engaged... either bolting down fast... or lashing securely to railings... everything that was moveable...!

  

You would have thought... that with all the tossing about... of the ship... I would have become violently ill... with another nasty bout of "mal de mer"... like on board the “Tjisdane”... sucking on sour lemons... all night... but for some strange reason... I did not... not even in the slightest...!

And... as was my usual custom... before real fear... could grip hold of me... as I saw the white-faced... thinly veiled... panicked eyes... of my fellow passengers - those brave enough... to leave the safety... of their cabins - with all the sincerity... that was in me... I seriously contemplated... fervently asking... my Heavenly Father... within myself... whether everybody on board the majestic "Klipfontein"... including all the passengers... crew and staff... were in any mortal danger... or not...

This would be yet another time... other than my dawn sunrise “bargainings”... with my Heavenly Father... within a month... that I was seeking Divine Reassurance... for people... other than myself...!

And not really knowing... whether I had any "right" to know... might... in fact... be overstepping the Spiritual Boundaries... by asking about the fate of others... besides myself... I hesitated... not wanting to appear too curious... to my Heavenly Father...

And yet... feeling somehow... just as good and right about it... as the first time... I decided to seek Divine Guidance... once again... about the fate of all those... on board our current home...

And finding a quiet... deserted corner... in the Dining Salon... where I noticed a sturdy round pillar... around which I could wrap my long monkey arms.. closing my eyes... I went through the usual process... of clearing my head of all anxious thoughts... stilling the fast beating... of my heart... and emptying... my whole being...

Then... when the whole of me... was nice and quiet... I opened myself up... within... to The Omnipotent Power... of my Creator... my Heavenly Father... Almighty God... and quietly asked...:

"Oh my Heavenly Father... if it is all right to know... Is the "Klipfontein"... and all who are on board her... including passengers... crew... and staff... in any mortal danger... from this imminent raging storm...?"

And waited patiently... to receive the Divine Answer... to my question... within my being... half fearful... that I had no "right" to know... in advance... anything... other than about myself...

And that during the other times... I had asked about other people... besides myself... and received Divine Guidance... had only been a special Grace... because God knew... how sincerely... and deeply... I cared... about my fellow brothers' and sisters' of mankind’s welfare... and was not asking... just out of mere curiosity...

Then to my astonished delight... I Was Answered quite quickly... the Answer Coming... in a Calm Voice... from inside me... almost as fast... as when I only asked... about my own precarious situation... with a Definite...:

"No... The Klipfontein... And All Who Are On Board Her... Are Not In Any Mortal Danger...!"

Happy and relieved... at Not Being Chastised... by my Heavenly Father... and trusting with all my being... that there was to be no real danger... from the storm... I thanked Him fervently... and decided to enjoy the exciting adventure of it... to my heart's content...!

And what with the pitching... tossing... and rolling... never letting up... for an instant... hardly anybody on board... got any real rest to speak of... that night... only being able to doze off fitfully... in spurts and starts...

Then... on the following morning... the ship awoke to an ominous... black sky... and the cheerful announcement... that the storm had not gotten any worse... during the night... as expected...! 

And I couldn't help but wonder... whether my deeply felt concern... for my fellow passengers... and turning to God... had something to do... with the storm not worsening...!

But the giant swells... continued to lash us fiercely... tossing us about... and the winds... continued to howl... and screech... in an eerily deafening way... so that those few... brave enough... to venture forth... from the confinement of their cabins... had to shout... in order to be heard...!

I was far too keyed up... to stay put... in the cabin... and decided to watch the storm... from the huge windows... of the enormous Ballroom... or maybe even from the Dining Salon... and maybe even find a nice... roomy... comfortable easy chair... in the Reading Room... on which I could sit back... and enjoy the delightful experience... of being "rocked"... by the storm...

Anticipating the unique fun I would have... I braved the world... outside the safety of our cabin... and ventured forth... holding on to the passageway railings... for dear life... making very slow progress - one tentative step forward... then being lurched back two steps - and finally managed to climb up to the vast... spacious Dining Salon... becoming quite ravenous... from the exertion...

I remembered the announcement... that sandwiches would be served... in the Dining Salon... at all times... throughout the duration... of the storm... and looked forward... to the novel experience of... together with all the other grown-ups there... ordering a plate of sandwiches... all to myself... for the very first time in my life...

And I looked forward eagerly... to the time when... after the food was politely served... by the steward... and he left the room... I could then surreptitiously pounce on my plate... happily devouring every delicious thing on it... in one sitting...

But when I looked through the archway... clutching onto the door frame for support... I saw that there were no other passengers... in the enormous room... at all... and that it seemed vastly and gloomily deserted... and empty... all the tables and chairs... piled and pushed up... against the walls... behind lashings of rope... between the poles... and not a single platter of sandwiches... in sight... anywhere...!

And the unusual sight... of the emptiness... the markedly eerie absence... of the hustle and bustle... of the dexterous waiters... deftly carrying their trays of food... above their shoulders... adroitly weaving in and out... around the closely packed tables... the abandoned chatter of voices... the clatter of dishes... and tinkle of glasses... made me suddenly feel oddly alone... and peculiarly isolated...!

Not liking the feeling... one little bit... and suddenly depressed... I left the Dining Salon... determined to ignore... the growling of my empty stomach... deciding to head for the enormous Ballroom... to watch the storm... from the high windows there...

Using my outstretched... exceptionally long monkey arms... to "walk" me along... by laying out my hands flat... at each side of the walls... of the passageways... taking advantage... of each roll of the ship... to propel me forward... I somehow finally managed... to reach the big double doors... without mishap... except for wobbly legs...

And hanging on to their frames... for dear life... I surveyed the enormous room... noticing that here... too... all the tables and chairs... had been pushed... to the far side of the walls... and lashed together...

Wondering how on earth... I would be able to traverse the seemingly endless... great expanse of the bare... slippery floor... to get to the huge windows... way on the other side... when I had absolutely nothing to hold on to... I took a deep breath... praying for the Help of Courage...

Then... gingerly putting one foot forward... letting go of the door frame... I began zigzagging my way across... skidding on the highly polished teak surface... as the ship pitched... tossed and rolled violently... often tipping me off balance... then throwing me down... as if I weighed no more than a toy doll...!

Suddenly... I became desperate... to catch a glimpse... of God's Firmament... above me... for my customary practice... of looking up skyward... always did two wonderful things for me...

First of all... it gave me the feeling... of being closer... towards my true home... Heaven...  And secondly... whenever I lifted my head up... Heavenward... I would instantly feel... the Divine Love... of my Heavenly Father... Shower down upon me... Filling my entire being... with indescribable... Blissful JOY...!

Hence... raising my head upward... towards the skies... had always had the magical effect... of evaporating any sadness... I might have been feeling... at the time - truly a Wondrous Source... to quickly lift up my briefly sagging spirits...!

But... sad to say... on this stormy occasion... the huge pounding swells... towering way up above the ship... obscured any vision... of the Infinite Canopy... of The One God of the Universe... and I began to feel just as gray... and bleak... as the dark weather outside... where there was no light of day... but the continuing blackness... of the night...!

I turned my back to the storm... feeling utterly despondent... and looked around me... desperately seeking something... anything... to lift me from my rare fit of doldrums...

When who did I catch sight of... but... of all people... Papa...!  He was sitting in one of the chairs... at the far side of the brightly lit room... with his head down... deeply engrossed in a book... perched upon his knee

I sensed that he had not noticed my presence yet... and becoming intrigued... to have caught him... in a private moment... for the very first time... in my life... I sat down on the floor... with my back propped against the wall... and curious to see... how he would behave... when he thought himself all alone... I watched him intently... undetected...

And saw... fascinated... how... the more rapt he became... in his book... the more his right arm... would inch up... curving slowly... until his fingers... were touching his right shoulder...!

And then... as I continued to watch him... utterly engrossed... I saw his right arm go slowly back.. behind his head... come creeping round... to his left ear... and then saw his fingers slowly stretch out... his middle finger resting briefly... on his left eyebrow...!

And throughout all this mesmerizing action... he never once... lifted his head... nor took his eyes off his page... the book propped firmly... on his lap... in his left hand...

And then... as my eyes... riveted on him... as if in a trance... now thoroughly captivated... by his most odd behavior... and the awkward position... of his right arm... I saw that his middle finger... was brushing his eyebrow... very rapidly... in quick... short strokes... from the nose outward...!

And now that he had achieved... the desired result he wanted... there was a look of sublime bliss... on his face...!

And all the while... he remained perfectly still... in that fixed position... his face suffused with pleasure... reading his book... while twiddling his left eyebrow... with his right middle finger... over and over... and periodically... expertly turning the book's pages... with his left hand...!

Watching him... I recalled seeing him making the same kind of peculiar gesture... back in our house... in Yokohama... on the Bluff... while reading a book... before he became enchanted... with nightly playing... the card game of Jass... and no longer sat in his easy chair... after dinner... reading... and before he started torturing me... with the dreaded "aburamushis"... in the "Chamber of Horrors"...!

Papa still had not noticed my presence... believing himself... to be quite alone... so that I could freely enjoy the pleasure... of watching him... quite unnoticed... for a long... long time...  And it was as if the two of us... were frozen still... in an intimate tableau of time...!

And then... before my astonished eyes... from way across the room... I saw his chair lurch slightly... then begin to move...!

And just then... the ship gave a gigantic... almighty heave... and Papa... head down... still bent over... seated in his chair... still stroking his left eyebrow... in that awkward way... completely engrossed in his book... and quite oblivious... to the world around him... came s-a-i-l-i-n-g across the length... of the huge... empty... highly polished... Ballroom floor...!

And as he kept on s-l-o-w-l-y coming... it became clear to me... that he had no idea... whatsoever... that he and his chair... were moving... as he kept reading on... thoroughly engrossed... in his book...!

And it was only when he finally came to an abrupt halt... way at the other side of the room... his chair bumping splat... into a pole... that... with a jolt... he looked around himself... looking very disoriented... and startled...

And when he noticed... that he was not alone... after all... but that his youngest daughter... who was sitting on the floor of the rolling ship... way at the other side of the room... against the wall... under the huge windows... keeping as still... as a church mouse... had probably been a witness... to the whole comical scene... his face turned crimson red... with embarrassment...

And as our eyes glanced sheepishly off each other's... it dawned on us... simultaneously... that we were sharing one of those kinds of quirky... unexplainable... unexpected... intimate moments of life...!

And I could not help but burst into laughter - the comical sight... of my usually in absolute command... distinguished-appearing... impeccably groomed father... was too much for me...

This usually stern patriarch of mine... who was never ever seen... with a single strand of hair... out of place... and who never ever would tolerate... finding himself in a situation... that he had no control over... was only too human... after all...!

And the more I went over the hilarious scene... in my mind... the more I howled... holding onto my stomach... rolling about on the floor... the tears streaming down my cheeks...

And Papa... seeing the humor... began to chuckle... then... unable to help himself... burst into a roar of laughter... such as I had never... ever heard... coming out of his mouth... before... and the tears streamed from his eyes... right alongside mine...!

Having seen this great man... in such a vulnerable situation... this genius of a businessman who... at a comparatively young age... had carved out an impressive business empire... for himself... was an absolute boon to me...

Theodore Rau... whose honorable reputation... had spread far and wide... across the Orient... and Occident... and becoming a Black Belt Master of Judo... being one of the very first Europeans... besides President Teddy Roosevelt... to take up the “Gentle Art” of self defense... and whose very imposing presence... had always struck fearful awe... in my heart...

This normally stern... exacting parent... for the first time in my life... since early babyhood... when he doted on me... now seemed like a very ordinary... prone-to-foibles human being... after all...!

And forever after... recalling that amusing... endearing... intimate scene... in the Ballroom... during that one raging storm... of our long sea voyage... helped in lessening the terror... he would strike in my heart... whenever he became overly authoritarian... in his disciplinary actions towards me...

Mainly because of Xenia’s fierce objections... about his displaying... any kind of affection towards me... her possessive jealousy... always biting... and gnawing... at her pathetic... unnaturally wooden... insecure self...

But that memorable morning... of the ocean storm... remains to this day... one of my most cherished memories... of Papa Rau...

He... who had raised me... as his own... and whom... some twenty-four years later... would be Willed by God... to be Inwardly “Awakened...”... and “Opened...” into the Miracle of SUBUD... with me... his "dumb cluck" daughter... being the channel... for the Wonderful Event... albeit posthumously...!

Truly one of the most amazing Latihan Kejiwaans... that this soul has ever experienced... in this lifetime... the Glorious... Miraculous Event... fully detailed... in her sequel... to this book... as indicated under the Chapter Index listing...

The uproarious incident with Papa... had restored my spirits in full... and as the storm raged around us... all that day... and into the night... with howling... moaning winds... sounding like wailing banshees... I thrilled with the excitement of it all... becoming quite adept... at using my sea legs...

And at one point... after finally tracking down a steward... and demanding the promised sandwiches... and with tummy now full... and happy... as I looked out of the huge Dining Salon windows... from a higher up deck... than where the Ballroom windows were situated... with the lashing rain... spattering against them... thunderously... I stood there... feeling exhilarated...

And making sure I was quite alone... throwing out my arms... in a wide arc... I shouted out... at the top of my lungs... my whole being full of reverence... and awe...:

"Oh Great and Omnipotent Creator... of the Universe...

How Wondrous... are Thy Creations of Storm... Wind... Rain... and Waves... so Gloriously Mighty...!"

And my scrawny chest expanded... with feelings of enormous love... for my Heavenly Father... and at the same time... the awesome enormity... of the raging storm outside... made me feel very small... and very humble...

Nothing further untoward... occurred that day... and when the unnerving winds... finally died down that night... and the mighty seas... became still... and calm once more... you could almost hear... the giant sigh of relief... sweeping throughout the ship... as one by one... the passengers... emerged from their cabins... on wobbly legs... traces of fear... in their wide open eyes... many of them... with their faces turned a pasty greenish white...

Chapter 9
And Yet Another Precious Life Is Saved... By Yours Truly... Once Again...! The First... A Very Old Man... In Shanghai... And The Second... By Complete Contrast... A Little Baby... On Board Ship...!

The weather became noticeably cooler... the further away... we sailed from New Zealand... and as we neared ever closer... to the coast of the South American continent... no exciting events befell us... such as the earlier... unexpected... exciting chance encounter... with the Royal British Navy...

In fact... the mode of life on board ship... resumed its customary pattern... with the Millers... continuing to entertain the passengers nightly... Helga and her entourage of ladies... delighting us anew... with fresh... excitingly imaginative tableaus...

Making it easy... to imagine oneself... dancing the hula... on the soft... white sands of Waikiki Beach... or pertly walking down the fashionable streets of Paris... dressed up in the epitome of French haute couture... in stiletto high heels... with a cute miniature French poodle... on a leash... obediently trotting at one's side...

However... I do remember saving... yet once again... another human being's life...!  This time it was the baby boy... Rainer... of the young Swiss couple... the Behrens... Mr. Behrens... being Papa's right hand man... and therefore obliged to leave Japan... when Papa did...

Papa... Xenia and I... happened to be going past their cabin... on our way to the Dining Salon... for dinner one night... and finding their door wide open... waved a friendly hello to them... in passing... 

Delighted to see us... they insisted we come in... and join them... for an aperitif... while they waited for one of the stewards to arrive... who had been engaged to baby sit their baby son... for that evening...

We were all standing around... the grown-ups with drinks in their hands... and ten month old baby Rainer... standing up in his crib... on his chubby little legs... a happy grin on his face... shaking the bars... with his little hands... and gurgling away...

And his big brown eyes... were shining with excitement... as they lit up... and rested on each one of our faces... for a moment... expectantly... crowing with delight... at the rare sight... of seeing so many big people... all standing together... in his room... at one time...

I started towards the dear little fellow... smiling warmly at him... admiring his cute little nightwear outfit... patterned all over... with romping little teddy bears... dressed in bright reds... and greens... a one piece garment... made of soft flannel... which even covered his little feet...!

I was so glad to see the adorable little baby... and intended to play with him... but Mrs. Behrens stopped me... saying something about not wanting him to get too excited... at bedtime... and to please not draw his attention to myself...

So I very reluctantly... turned my back to him... and just stood at the edge of the grown-up's circle... feeling a little awkward... since it was obvious... that I did not belong there... as I continued to be blatantly ignored by them... as usual...

It was all I could do... to make a pretence... of politely listening... to their bantering conversation... as they... very much at ease with one another... speculated on the evening's forthcoming entertainment... with Mrs. Behrens... for a change... intending to leave their cabin... and be entertained... because it happened to be their third wedding anniversary...!

Besides... I was starving... as usual... and anxious to get to the Dining Salon... since they had not even bothered to include me... when they had ordered their drinks...!

And as I stood there... trying to be inconspicuous... hard put... to curb my impatience... grumbling to myself... that they could have at least ordered a tomato juice cocktail for me... all of a sudden... an icy cold Shudder... Ran through my body... and at the same time... my head whipped around... with all my attention... sharply focussed... on the little baby Rainer...

And then... before I knew it... my never ending legs... of their own volition... had made a Giant Leap towards him... catching him around the waist... just as his body tipped forward... upside down... outside his crib... about to crash to the floor... head first... in danger of getting his tender skull... split wide open...!

And as I leapt forward... and grasped hold of him... just in time... Mr. and Mrs. Behrens... whirled around... in horror... to see me clutching their precious baby... around his waist... face down... outside his crib...!

And when they saw the sight of me... with my arms around a now kicking-and-screaming-with-fright baby... it slowly dawned on them... that I had... in all probability... saved their precious little son's life...!

And the awesome realization... was so overwhelming... that they were too choked up... to voice their gratitude to me... and for the longest moment... it seemed... could only stand rooted to the spot... in a state of shock... their white faces... drained of blood... staring at me... their eyes as wide as saucers... Mr. Behren's Adam's apple... bobbing up and down... as he tried to speak...

Then Mr. Behrens shook himself... out of his frozen state... and with one giant stride... towards the crib... took his red-faced... wailing son tenderly... from my clutching arms... and swept him right side up... holding him close to his chest... cooing to him... with all the love... that was in his heart... tears unashamedly streaming down his cheeks... his soft brown eyes... gravely looking into mine... above the baby's head... with an expression of enormous gratitude in them...

And then Mrs. Behrens... her beautiful brown eyes... just like baby Rainer’s... now full of gratitude... as well... was holding me close... to her bosom... her body trembling... all over...

And I could hear her thanking me... over and over... in a breathless... long drawn out sigh...: 

"Oh danke... danke... susse Graziella...!"

And I... suddenly feeling very good about myself... closed my eyes... and Sent Up a silent prayer of fervent thanks...

As for Papa and Xenia... all they could do... was just stand there... with stupid looks... on their faces... tongue-tied... their eyes filled with disbelief... their mouths gaping in astonishment... that this nobody... this insignificant... useless... “dumb cluck”... brainless daughter of theirs... had actually been instrumental... in such a momentous act... as saving someone else's life... not just once... as with Mr. Ruetli... but now little baby Rainer's life... as well...!

And as I lay in bed that night... shaken to the core... and went over the incredible evening's events... I came to the conclusion... that some kind of Sixth Sense... Sent to me... by Almighty God... Must Have Warned me... that baby Rainer's life... was in mortal danger...!

And that what followed after... quite spontaneously... was simply my Being Made... to instinctively obey... a Divine Command... Felt inside me...!

And... my heart bursting with JOY... I thanked my Heavenly Father... with all my heart... for Allowing me... to be His most willing servant... for that evening's near fateful tragedy...!

And... with all the fervor... that was within me... I offered Him my willingness... to be of service to Him... for whatever purpose... He Chose... and at any time... or any place... for the rest of my life...!

For I knew... that He Was Very Well Aware... that I was the happiest... and felt the most fulfilled... when I could be of service... and help... to others...

Then it dawned on me... that in all probability... baby Rainer... as he grew up... would have no recollection... of his oh so close brush with death... that particular night of his parents' wedding anniversary...!

Furthermore... come to think of it... neither would he ever even be able to recall... ever having sailed... on the majestic... regal ocean liner... named "Klipfontein"...!

And as I went to sleep... that night... looking forward... to yet another nocturnal visit... to my real home... Heaven... where I was certain... of receiving my Heavenly Father's Approval... for having instantly obeyed His Command... I sighed... happy and content... that all was right with my burgeoning world...

Although I was very sorry... that things had been so utterly spoiled for dear... sweet Mrs. Behrens... on the eve of her wedding anniversary... She being such a devoted mother... hardly ever left her cabin at night... And now she was far too shaken up... and upset... to leave her son... to selfishly entertain herself... with her husband... for a very rare change... taking the near tragic event... as a sign from God... that she was not to leave her son... in the care of anybody else...!

Of course... I had no idea... at the time... that... by utter contrast... and strange quirk of fate... about five years later... at the tender age of 17... I would be brutally... sexually attacked... by another male... a young German prisoner of war... who happened to also be named Rainer...!!!

And that the dreadful... terrifying sexual assault... upon my menstruating body... would cause a devastating sexual trauma... which was to last... for some 55 years... before it was finally Purified... by the Power of God... through worshipping Him... the SUBUD Way...!!!

And furthermore... that... some 17 years after that... at the age of 34... I would live through three years of sheer HELL... being married to another male... a bon vivant charmer... the splitting image of the movie heartthrob... Charles Boyer... called Reinier... the French equivalent... of the German name... Rainer... who turned out to be a fiendish... die hard alcoholic... and blatantly unfaithful... active bi-sexual... as well...!!!

Those soul-shattering... horrendous experiences... that no woman should ever have to go through... or endure... let alone a young... sensitive virgin of 17... nor a naive young woman of 34... are fully described... in the sequel to this book... “From Seven Hells... To Seventh Heaven... SUBUD...”

Chapter 10
The Utterly Disbelieving... Horrendous Shock... Of Learning... That There Is A Nazi Spy... On Board The "Klipfontein..."!!!???

The morning finally dawned... when the Captain informed his passengers that... since we would shortly be sailing abreast... of the American continent... it would be most prudent.. to start up the daily Lifeboat Drill exercises... once again...

And that... as a precautionary measure... it would be advisable... for all passengers... to sleep in their clothes... forthwith... starting from that very night... until we docked at New York Harbor... in the United States of America... in about three to four days time...!

Also... as a further precaution... every cabin would be issued... with appropriate black-out curtains... and dark blue light bulbs... which were to be used immediately... in place of the standard white ones... which were to be handed over to the cabin boys... in exchange for the blue ones...!

As Captain Post spoke over the loudspeaker... everybody noticed... that there was a definite undercurrent of graveness... in the quality of his tone of voice... for the first time... since leaving Surabaya Java...!

And it made everybody feel uneasy... and very much aware... once again... that there was a devastating War going on.. and of the very real possibility... of impending danger... whilst sailing up the American Continental coast... in the Atlantic waters...!

And an ominous sense of doom... and palpable gloom... descended over the whole ship... suspended over it... like a densely thick cloud... bringing with it... an absolute certainty... of grim foreboding... in the passengers' unsettled minds...!

And during those tense long days and nights... I was to see many of my co-travellers... the expressions on their faces... showing barely concealed fear... as they talked in hushed whispers... to each other... clearly nervous and on edge... their bodies easily startled... at the slightest unexpected sound...

And not even the charismatic Millers... with their flair for grand showmanship... as they continued to create delightfully amusing... and entertaining shows... minus the young ladies... who were much too nervous... could dispel the heavy pall of depression... that was suddenly hanging over the ship... permeating the length and breadth of it...!

Then it became evident to me... that the passengers' fearful attitude... was becoming infectious... for it was not long... before I too... found myself... starting to become really frightened... and for the first time... since that dreadful... endlessly long... scary night... hiding in the pitch black hold... of the Chinese junk - was it only two months ago...? - where I had felt completely abandoned... by my Heavenly Father... and even by my Guardian Angel Friend...!

And I now began to feel... that the ship was under some kind of an evil spell... being firmly gripped... by some sort of malevolent power... and I... just like everybody else... found myself... being unable to do anything... but also dread the worst...!

And for some unexplainable reason... I was so deeply affected... and swept up into the miasma of doom... that I even forgot completely... about using my usual recourse of stilling... emptying... and opening myself up... inwardly... in order to seek Divine Answers... from my most beloved Heavenly Father...!

And during the daily sessions... of the Lifeboat Drills... I could not help noticing... that everybody appeared to be only going through the motions... like lifeless zombies - gone was the boisterous... exciting challenge... that had accompanied the earlier drills... as they eagerly tried... to beat the clock...!

And then... as if to confirm everyone's certainty... that something terrible... was about to befall the ship... and all those on board her... something incredibly fiendish... and mind-boggling... to say the least... did happen...!

And it occurred... just two nights... before arriving at the ship's final destination... when the shocking news was broadcast... that... of all people... the one passenger... that no single person... would ever have believed... to be a traitor... had... in fact... in an unbelievable about turn... tried to actually attract the attention... of a German U-boot... as their deadly submarines... were called... which was hovering about... just off the coast of the United States of America...!

And when the passengers heard... the astonishing story... on the following morning... the devastating tale... sweeping through the ship... like wildfire... one by one... they gasped their disbelief... nigh incredulous... totally horrified... and appalled... and their outbursts of shock... could be heard at every turn... throughout the ship... like an enormously gigantic... stunning tidal wave...!

The mind-boggling story went that... apparently... late the previous night... a Javanese cabin boy... had felt restless... and unable to sleep... had decided to go up on deck... for some fresh air...

And as he walked along the deck... he happened to glance overboard... in the hope of glimpsing some fascinating flashes of phosphorescence... in the waters below...  And as he did so... he spotted a bright reflection... flickering a little ways out to sea...!

Since all the passengers... had already retired to their cabins for the night... he realized that he was quite alone... and that there was nobody else out on deck... that he could share this very puzzling sight with...!

Becoming quite mystified... and in a quandary... at first... he then ascertained... that the wavy... shimmering light... in the water... could not possibly be the phenomenon of sparkling blue-white phosphorescence... nor the reflection... of the moon... since the sky was devoid of that luminary... and it was also a starless night...!

Then noticing... how distinctly large and round... the shape of the reflected light was... and upon closer inspection... realizing... that it was obviously coming... from a porthole... on the ship...! ... the boy became very alarmed... and raced off to report his alarming discovery... to his superior Officers...

And upon immediately investigating... the cabin boy's excited breathless story... for themselves... the Officers managed to trace the wavering reflection of light... to the cabin of... of all people... none other than the popular... and well loved entertainers... par excellence...: the honeymooners... Bill and Helga Miller...!!!???

Without hesitating for an instant... very aware of the extreme urgency... of the matter... a contingent of the ship's Officers... immediately hastened towards the Miller's cabin suite... where... upon their arrival... they were obliged to knock three times... before they heard Helga's voice ask... in a very puzzled tone of voice... low and huskily sexy... in that fascinating German accent of hers... who was knocking at their door... at so late an hour... and what could they possibly want...

Whereupon the Chief Officer identified himself... demanding that she open the door immediately... and let him in...  And after the longest pause... making him think... that perhaps she had not heard him... about to knock again... she replied... that she could not possibly let him in... making some lame excuse... about her hands being soapy... because she was in the middle of washing her husband's hair...!

To which unsatisfying response... the Officer again demanded... that she open the door at once...!  But she kept on making one excuse... after another... after long... exasperating pauses... until he and his men... became quite annoyed... and frustrated with her obvious lack of cooperation...

And when she still continued to refuse to open the door... they became increasingly infuriated...  And thoroughly fed up with her... by now... the Chief Officer... red in the face... warned her in a threatening voice... that if she did not open the door... by the count of three... he would be forced to break it down... and proceeded to count in a loud commanding voice...:

"ONE... TWO... THREE... ...!"

To which threat... this time... she fell abruptly silent...!

And nothing further... was heard from her... no more silly excuses...

But still maintaining her stubborn silence... from the other side of the door... she made no move... to let the Officers in...!

Meanwhile... the commotion... woke her little dog Schatzi up... and he began yapping away... in a frenzy of high-pitched excitement... sniffing... and scratching... at the cabin door...

Feeling now... as if she was taunting them... and becoming thoroughly exasperated with her... uttering a final warning... they did break the door down...!

And as the men pushed their way in... they were just in time to see Helga... her beautiful body... draped in an elegant... shimmering gold dressing gown... in the process... of putting the white light bulb... back in her purse... having... no doubt... already hastily screwed the blue bulb... back in its socket...!

And when she saw the stern... accusing look of the men... realizing that her surreptitious act... had exposed her... instead of looking sheepish... or showing any sign of contrition... she startled them... by throwing back her beautiful platinum blonde head of loosely flowing... shiny hair... her brilliant blue eyes... glaring at them defiantly...!

And then she stunned them... into open-mouthed gawking... when... raising her right arm up... in the recognized Nazi salute... she suddenly shouted out... in that fascinating... husky low...  Marlene Dietrich voice of hers...:

"HEIL HITLER...!"

Shocked out of their gourds... to see this normally cool... elegant lady... transformed into a cornered wild animal... the pupils of her piercing blue eyes... dilated into twin orbs of blazing hatred... amazed at her ferocious outburst... they stood mesmerized... as if turned to stone... surrounding her... not quite sure... what to do next...!

But now that Helga's treachery... had been exposed... there was no stopping her...  She began screaming epithets at them... in German... becoming quite hysterical... in her patriotic fervor...!

And then... before anybody could stop her... she suddenly reached out her shapely hand... and slapped one of the Officers... hard across his face...!

And the exaggerated sound of it... in the small confines of the cabin... made the ship's Officers jump... startled... finally snapping them out of their spell-bound state...

And as one... they lunged at the by now demented-looking woman... forcibly restraining her...!

And in her uncontrollable frenzy... Helga had become completely unrecognizable... from the soignée... chic... and ultra super sophisticated... beautiful woman of fashion... that she had always presented... to the world...!

And as she spewed forth her curses... spitting and snarling... her fingers and long... blood-red nails... curved into claw-like talons... her face contorted... into a mask of hateful ugliness... her hair now unkempt... and disheveled... she looked very frightening... much like a malevolent witch... who was casting an evil spell...!

The noise in the stifling... confining cabin... was deafening... what with her screaming and shouting... and Schatzi... excited to the extreme... yapping his head off... and nipping at the legs... of the Officers...!

Meanwhile... her husband Bill... upon hearing all the ruckus... had emerged from their bedroom... barely awake... his eyes half closed... and his hair tousled... and just stood in the doorway... his mouth hanging open... for once... his gregarious self... at a loss for words...!

And there was a look of sheer bewilderment... in his round brown eyes eyes... as he stared... in utter disbelief... totally flabbergasted... at the ghastly transformation... in his beautiful wife...!

It was plain to see... that the poor man... was in a state of total shock... for his normally jovial face... had turned a pasty white... completely drained of all blood...!

And noticing her groggy husband... Helga turned on him viciously... and slowly looking him up and down... with a look of utter contempt... on her face... as if he were nothing but revolting vermin... to be stepped on... she tossed her golden head... and snorting... spat in his face...!

And laughing jeeringly... at the thin line of glistening spittle... hanging from his cheek which... in his state of shock... he made no move... to wipe away... tossing her head... defiantly... once more... she made a show of deliberately turning her back on him... as if she was dismissing him from her life... for good... now that he had served his purpose... and was of no further use to her...!

And as the Officers... began to lead her away... she began kicking and screaming... once again... cursing her captors... and everybody on board ship... especially the "verdammte Juden"... calling them "nothing but the dregs of humanity... not fit to live...!"... again shouting something about "my glorious Fuehrer... Adolf Hitler...!"

Then... violently wrenching herself away... from the firm grip the Officers had of her... she turned back once more to her husband... and jeeringly shouted in his face...:

“There will be a superior race of “Ubermensch” Aryans... and they will all be tall... blond and blue-eyed... the ultra ideal... future looking specimens... of humanity... not short... and fat... and swarthy-skinned... like yourself... you dirty Jew...!”

And working herself up further... she sneered disdainfully... and with contempt... her beautiful face contorted with sheer hatred... scornfully said...:

“Your loathsome touch... has always made my skin crawl... but I put up with your revolting caresses... all for my glorious Fuehrer...!”

And looking her husband up and down... once again... as if he was nothing but a revolting bug to be stepped on... she continued with her feverish raving... shouting...:

“The Ubermenschen... will have no flaws... of any kind... for they will be endowed... with perfect physiques... perfect of body... and above all... these wonderful Aryans... will be of superior intelligence...!

And as the Officers... dragged her out of her cabin... for she had become quite hysterical again... she shouted... her blue eyes blazing... with patriotic fervor...:

HEIL HITLER...! I will gladly sacrifice my life... for the noble cause... of the Third Reich... and I am ready to die... for my glorious Fuehrer...!"

When I heard the shocking news... I too was thoroughly stunned... finding it very hard to believe... that our beautiful... impeccably chic Helga... who was so clever and imaginative... with what little was available... for her to use on board ship... could have been so pathetically misguided... as to have become... a what...?  A deluded traitor...?  Albeit a dangerous spy...?  Poor foolish... brainwashed woman...!

And then I found myself thinking... of her bridegroom... jovial... big-hearted Bill... and my heart ached in sympathy for him...  Helga's poor... utterly bewildered... crushed husband... who had been totally captivated... and taken in... by her exquisite... Nordic beauty... and quaint European charm...

And I wondered about the agonies... he must be going through... and how his heart must be breaking... into a million pieces... to find out... ultimately... on his honeymoon... no less... that his beautiful Austrian bride... of barely two months... was... in fact... a Hitler fanatic...!

I wondered how he was coping... with the devastating realization... that his adored wife... in betraying him so cold-heartedly... had been eagerly ready and willing... not only to sacrifice her own husband's life... and the lives... of all those innocent people on board... whose hearts she had won... so easily... but also to sacrifice her own vibrant... beautiful self... as well...!

And for what...?  Nothing... but the horrendously diabolical... megalomaniacal... warped dream... of a madman... whose charismatic charm... unfortunately... had enslaved thousands upon thousands... of his people... to his noble cause...:  the rebirth of the Third Reich...!

A madman... who hated Jews... with an all consuming passion... although... if the truth were known... ironically... he had actually been born half Jewish... himself... and adulterously... on his mother's side... and was actually an Austrian by birth... and not a German... at all...!

Which brought to mind... another megalomaniac... Napoleon Bonaparte... who was a Corsican by birth... and not French... and yet he had blithely declared himself... the "Emperor of France"...!

He also had been charismatic... and influenced thousands of people... to blindly follow... whatever he dictated... as he relentlessly schemed... and plotted... to become the ruler... of the whole world...!

Many years later... our Spiritual SUBUD Father Bapak... explained to his SUBUD children... why it was... that these two outstanding figures... of history... were able to so easily influence people... in the thousands...

And the reason was... because both Napoleon... and Hitler... had reached a very high Spiritual Level... that of the Jasmani... their souls becoming full of instinctual knowledge... in how to easily influence... all those around them...!

And in becoming Jasmani... noticing how charismatic they were... to others... sad to say... in their arrogance... they even believed... that they were as powerful as God...!

And Bapak very wisely counseled... all his SUBUD children... who were from all over the world... and of all different races... practicing their various religions... observing their unique to them... different cultures... and traditions... to never ever forget... that we all come from Almighty God... Who Created every single one of us... and that we all are Divinely Destined... to return to Him... eventually...

So that each... and every one of us... truly are the sons and daughters of God... regardless of the color... of our skins... and therefore... are truly brothers and sisters... to each other...

And that we must always remember... to be ever humble... and obedient... to His Perfect Will for us... and realize... that not a single one of us... can ever be as Powerful... as He Is... for without Him... Guiding the moments of our lives... we are less than nothing...!

Chapter 10
At The Age Of Almost Twelve... I Write My Very First Loving Letter... And Poem... To A Grown-up Man...!

I wanted... with all my heart... to offer my deepest sympathies... to dear Bill Miller... wanted to cradle him... in my arms... and soothe away all his hurt... longing to offer him... my total understanding... and loving compassion...

But then it dawned on me... how he was certain... to actually behold me... in his eyes...  And becoming brutally frank and honest with myself... I took a good look at my naked body... in the mirror...

And came to the inevitable conclusion... that what dear Bill would obviously see... would be nothing more attractive... than a gawky... gangly girl... with never ending... long legs... and long monkey arms... who... because of her already premature height... of now already five feet and eight inches... and no longer seven plus... looked more awkward... than ever before...!

As my big brother Remo... had just recently ascertained... when he... noticing how his little sister... seemed to be growing... in leaps and bounds... measured her long frame... in her stockinged feet...!

So that she now looked like half woman... half child - never mind that she was... to all intents and purposes... supposed to be about three months short... of her twelfth birthday...!

(Although I did not know it then... and would not know the truth... about the real circumstances... of my birth date... until I was well into my forties... when I discovered quite by accident... via my husband’s then wife... Luzilla... who was an expert at casting horoscopes... and also very psychic... two soul-shaking revelations...!

Not only about how I had been lied to... about the real date of my birth... but also the ancient Karmic reason... why my mother had always loved/despised me... and also why she could never quite trust me...!

When... upon looking up her ephemeris... Luzilla revealed to me... that the Holy day of Easter Sunday... when I was supposed to have been Miraculously born... in 1930... fell on the 20th of April... and not the 10th... as I had been always led to believe... for all those years of growing up... which incidentally... I have come to learn... is also the date of Hitler’s birthday...!

Because my inebriated... indifferent mother... had tossed the two dates of 10th... and 17th... at me... one day... glaring at me with hatred... in her jet black eyes... telling me carelessly... that she had chosen the 10th... because the number ten... was easier to remember... but still insisting... that I was born on the Holy day of Easter Sunday...!

Therefore... if I had not been lied to... it is quite possible... that I was actually three months short... of my fifteenth birthday... being born on the Easter Sunday of 17th of April... 1927...!

And all my life-long confusion... was finally settled... by my Beloved Spiritual Father... Bapak... on the incredible night... he took me flying up into the heavens... with him... to visit different planets...!

And upon descending back... down to earth... he showed me a calendar... of the month of April... 1930... and showed me... that the 20th... was indeed... my date of birth...!

The full... shameful story... of my gross betrayal... of my mother in ancient Rome... when we were also mother and daughter... and both fervent Christians... and about to be fed to the lions... at the Colosseum... is told in my Spiritual Odyssey... "From Seven Hells... To Seventh Heaven... SUBUD..."!)

Furthermore... I was still being forced... by Papa... to wear my glorious golden tresses... in infernal pigtails... frustrating as all get-out...

So how on earth... could I picture to myself the possibility... of this peculiar combination... of half child... half woman... offering consolation... to a grown man... and to such an exceedingly charming man... to boot...?

ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE...!

Why... he would probably never be able to look me in the eye again... thoroughly ashamed... that an awkward pre-adolescent... had seen him crying and sobbing... as he lay in her pre-pubescent... comforting arms...!

I realized that the whole idea... of offering my heart-felt sympathy... to Bill... in person... was no good... at all...

Then I got a brilliant idea - I would write to him... anonymously... of course...!

And delighted with myself... I raced over to the Reading Room and... to my own astonishment and delight... found myself able to compose... quite the most beautiful letter... of my life... and to my very first grown-up man...!

Getting quite carried away... I wrote dear Bill a very touching poem... as well... all about human love... and faith... ending it with simple words... about the Tender Bounty... of God's Infinite Love... for all His children... which brought tears to my own eyes... and an unfamiliar... strange flush... to my cheeks and body...!

And I was quite amazed... and surprised... at the adult quality... of my words... when I went over them... and I blushed all over again... as I reread my heartfelt letter... and poem... to dear Bill...

Then... before my courage could fail me... I put my sincere offerings of loving sympathy... into an envelope... signed...:

"From a Loving and Compassionate Friend Who Fully Understands Your Bewildering Grief..."

Then I sealed it... and dashed off to his cabin suite... with it clutched firmly... in my hand...

And as I approached his hastily repaired... crooked cabin door... knowing its number by heart... because of the fact... that he had mentioned it many times... during his flea circus acts... my heart suddenly began to beat wild and fast... and I came to a dead stop... suddenly afraid... to proceed any further...!

Then the thought suddenly struck me... that he was bound to open the door... just as I was bent over... slipping the envelope... containing my precious messages... under it...

And I became totally unnerved... my courage utterly failing me...  And suddenly full of indecision... could only stand there... biting my nails nervously... feeling like a stupid idiot... imagining the walls of the narrow passageway... closing in on me...!

"Oh what am I to do... be brave... and carry through my sympathetic mission... or be a coward... and slink away... with my "tail" between my legs...?"

"NEVER!"...

I cried out loud... with a ringing fervor... startled at the sound of my own voice... which seemed to echo up and down the length... of the long passageway...

So... taking a deep breath... I continued on tiptoe... until I was standing... right in front of Bill Miller's cabin door... facing it...

And with my heart in my mouth... I put my ear... against the thick... smooth surface of wood... half fearful... that Schatzi would pick up my scent... and come bounding towards me... alerting his master... yapping his head off excitedly... sniffing... scratching and leaping up... against the door...

But there was not a sound... whatsoever... not even a snuffle... nor the distinctive sound... of a dog panting... nor even the sound... of anyone breathing...!

So... taking heart once more... I bent down... and was about to slide my precious missive... under his door... when the thought occurred to me... that Helga's little poodle... Schatzi... might be in there... after all... asleep... and waking up... to the sound of the slithering rustle... of the envelope... as it was pushed under the door... might very well see it... and pouncing happily on it... as something new to play with... might very well... in its exuberance... even tear it to illegible pieces...!

Goodbye precious letter and poem... for ever and ever...!

The scenario I had just imagined... made me quickly stand up again... and in a quandary... as to how to get my precious letter and poem... to dear Bill... I stood there... full of uncertainty... trying to wrack my brains... for a good idea...

Then I noticed a thin line... running down the length of the door... and thought... that if I carefully slid the envelope... into the slit of the door jamb... at eye level... there was a very good chance... that Bill would notice the whiteness of it sticking out... as he put his key in the keyhole... to open his cabin door...

Pleased as punch with myself... and at how bright I was... I swiftly slid the precious envelope... and its contents... into the narrow opening... deriving some comfort... from my clever... ingenious act... and turned away... just as a steward... jauntily rounded the corner... deftly balancing a tray of food... over his head...

And when he came abreast of me... calling out a cheerful greeting... my face went as red as a beet...!

And suddenly feeling terribly embarrassed... and guilty... to have been found standing... outside a man's cabin door... for there were still shades of left over nerves... from my scary experience... with the Frenchman in the Radio Room... I bolted... running away... as fast as my legs could carry me... not daring to look back...!

If I had... I would have seen the puzzled expression... on the poor... bewildered steward's face... as he wondered how on earth... his friendly greeting... could have evoked such a startled reaction... from the young miss...

All through dinner that night... I kept surreptitiously glancing across... to the Miller's table... hoping to see a man... somewhat cheered... by my sympthetic letter and poem... but his table remained ominously unoccupied... throughout the whole dinner hour...!

The general conversation... that buzzed around the room... needless to say... was all about Helga... and her stunning treachery... and nobody could quite grasp her reason... for trying to draw the attention... of a German submarine... to our ship... thus endangering our lives... so callously - everybody feeling the sting of personal hurt... and betrayal... for all had freely opened up their hearts to her...

And later on... having been allowed to stay up a little later than usual... I kept looking out for Bill... in the Passengers Lounge... the Game Room... the Reading Room... the Auditorium/Ballroom... and even out on deck...

I searched for him... even in all my very own... "special secret places" ... all over the ship... hoping against hope... that I would find him... perhaps huddled under the canvas cover... of a life boat... or behind one of the funnels... or in the narrow spaces... under gangways - I even gave a quick glance at the catwalk... above the boiler room... but alas... he was nowhere to be seen...!

And when I finally lay my head down on my pillow... that night... my heart was heavy... for I had no idea... whether dear Bill... had ever got my heartfelt sympathy offerings... of letter and poem...  And for the third time in my life... I prayed... with all my heart... for the well-being... of a grown up man... who was not related to me... by blood...!

The very first time... had been for Reverend Pott... my dear Papa Bear... when I asked my Heavenly Father... to Please Watch over him... and Keep him safe from harm... as he made his precarious escape... from Imperial Japan...

And the second time... had been for my charming... romantic... brief... shipboard love... Everett Kingston... praying for his safety...

And now... with a romantic love letter and poem... under my belt... making me feel quite feminine and alluring... asking that God... in His Infinite Loving Mercy... Please Remove... the overwhelming pain... from poor... generous-hearted... greatly deluded Bill Miller's heart... so devastatingly shocked... by his wife's gross betrayal...!

And then... just as my eyes closed... and I felt myself drifting off...I distinctly had the feeling... that Bill Miller was already recovering... from his bewildering... shocking anguish... and no longer... so devastatingly heart-broken...!

With tears of gratitude... springing to my eyes... feeling suddenly light and happy... once again... I smiled to myself... barely managing to say a heartfelt "Thank you..."... to my Heavenly Father... as I snuggled down deeper... into the comforting arms of Morpheus... with blessed sleep... finally overtaking me...

End Of Part  VIII  -  Ten Chapters

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< R E A D   M O R E >

FOREWORD PROLOGUE PART 1 PART I-A PART I-B PART II PART III PART IV PART V PART VI PART VII PART VIII PART IX PART IX-A PART IX-B PART X PART XI PART XII PART XII-A EPILOGUE

Are You Happy... And At Peace... With Your Life...? If Not... You Are Invited... To Visit The MIRACOLO Website... Where You Will Find A Blessed Avenue... Leading To Miraculous Healing... As Well As Spiritual Counsel... Received For Suffering You... By Your Inwardly Loving Sister... Muftiah... Solely Through The Perfect Power... Of Her Creator... Her Beloved Heavenly Father... Allah Almighty God...