Chapter 1

The First...:  Strange... Eerie Jessica...!

I have no recollection... as to what the outside of the Breckstein home looked like... but I do remember well... standing in front of quite the tallest... and imposing... large doors... of a private home... I had ever seen in my life... giving me an immediate sense... of being greatly overwhelmed... and greatly overpowered...!

And when one side of the door... was finally opened... after I had tentatively... pressed the doorbell... with my gloved hand... there in front of me... stood a much too thin... tall young girl... in whose long narrow face... were a pair of enormous dark eyes... framed by an abundance... of naturally curly dark hair... who looked slightly familiar to me... 

And she was wearing a long... closely fitting... black dress... that shimmered... and which reached down to her ankles... below which... I could see... that her feet were bare... and that her toes were long... and her toenails... painted blood red...! And there were ropes of long... shiny necklaces... hanging down from around her thin neck...

A ghost of a smile... touched her thin lips... as she beckoned me inside...  And as I stepped across the threshold... into the interior... of her opulent mansion... I was once again overcome... by a sense of vastness of space... eye level... as well as above my head...

And for some unexplainable reason... I suddenly felt a strange kind of unease... creep over me... my skin getting clammy... and realized that Jessica... and her mausoleum... were giving me the jitters...! 

Somehow... it was as if I had stepped into some kind of weird... unfamiliar... vaguely menacing world...! 

We were standing... in a dimly lit... long hallway... and as Jessica greeted me... in the semi- dark... I could not help noticing... how eerily luminous... her enormous dark eyes were...

And when she finally spoke... her voice was uncannily low... and whispery... and had an insinuating edge to it... the disturbingly unpleasant sound of which... made me feel shivery... giving me goose bumps... and making the hair stand up... on the back of my neck...!  

I found myself hoping against hope... that she would lead me... into a brightly lit... cheery room... where her parents... who would look... and sound... more "normal"... were sitting... awaiting my arrival... 

And just as I was about to give voice to my hope... as if reading my thoughts... she said... in that scratchy... whispery voice of hers...:

"By the way... it is going to be just the two of us tonight - my parents have gone out...  Come... give me your coat... and take off your shoes... I want you to feel right at home with me...!"

And quickly whisking off my coat... after I first took off my gloves... and put them in the coat pocket... while I unlaced... and took off my shoes... and disposing of them... in an unusually tall armoire... she cajoled... taking my arm...:

"Come... let me show you around..."

But as soon as I felt her touch... my heart lurched... and I felt a sudden twinge of fear... flood throughout the whole of my body...

And it took every ounce of self-control... not to cringe away from her... get away from her... as quickly as possible...! 

But... she was already gliding down the long hallway... on swift... silent bare feet... clutching my arm firmly... 

And when she came to an abrupt halt... in front of another tall door... she looked at me slyly... and whispered... in that unnerving... scratchy voice of hers... tilting her head sideways... looking at me rather coyly... from under her long eyelashes...:

 "We have all night... to do deliciously naughty things together... in here... the final room... I have to show you...!"

And so saying... she flung the door wide open... with a grand... theatrical flourish...!  

Hearing Jessica’s words... as if she had already shown me the rest of the huge apartment... made it more and more apparent to me... that something was definitely "odd" about her... for her behavior... was becoming increasingly... and alarmingly more peculiar...! 

The fact that I was quite a bit taller than she was... and could probably hold my own... if it came to a real knock down... drag down fight... did little to comfort... and ease my rapidly growing misgivings... 

My heart was beginning to pound... with fear... and I had an overwhelming urge to escape... running away... as fast and as hard... as I possibly could... from this strangely menacing place... and this weird creature... whom I barely knew...!

But... at the same time... being endowed... with a strong Aries nature... which is predominantly that... of a pioneering spirit... which thrives on adventure... and new challenges... I was naturally curious to see... where this strange "adventure" with Jessica... was leading me to...

And as if sensing... that I might bolt... at any second... because of my tense body... she kept a firm grip... on my arm... her long blood red painted fingernails... digging painfully into my flesh...! 

Then she opened the door wider... and stepping back... so that I had a clear view... of the enormous room... put her head close to mine... and whispered suggestively... her dark luminous eyes glinting... with the strangest expression... reminding me of a wolf... about to pounce on her prey...:

"This is my very own private "Treasure Room..."... my sanctuary...!

And this is where I keep all my special treasures...  I've got them hidden.... in my very own cleverly concealed secret compartment... that not another single solitary soul... knows about...!"

And so saying... she gave me a firm push inside...! 

Sweeping in after me... she continued... abruptly changing the subject...:

"You know... Grace... I hope you don't mind me calling you Grace... but your Italian name... is much too complicated... for me to pronounce properly... I knew the moment you saw me... that you didn't really recognize me... which is quite understandable... since being a few years older than you... I was in a higher grade class...  at the ISY... 

But I always wanted to be your friend...  Too bad we left Yokohama... before that could happen...

Oh well... you're here now... so let's have a real good time together... tonight... and make up for all that lost time...!"

I was hardly listening to her... because I was looking all around me... in round-eyed awe...!  I naturally expected to find myself in Jessica's own private bedroom...  and certainly not... of all places... in a bathroom...! ... if one could call this opulent room that...! 

For I had never before... in all my born days... seen what was obviously a bathing room... very richly designed...that must have cost a very lot of money...! 

The closest that I had come to seeing anything resembling it... besides the communal Yuya bathhouse... back in Japan... was at Prima’s Austrian best friend... Emmie Kaiser’s magnificent mansion... on the Bluff... in Yokohama... whose vast... Roman-style bathroom... had boasted jet black tiled walls... and pure gold faucets... fashioned like sea horses... and where I had tasted... my very first pomegranate... from the fruit tree... in her huge... terraced garden...

But this room was unbelievable... in its luxurious poshness... There was soft... plush... purple carpeting... all over the walls... and floor... surrounding the quite large... blue... mosaic-tiled... oval-shaped bath... more like a miniature swimming pool... which was a sunken affair... 

And there were huge mirrored tiles... at intervals... in between the carpeted walls... so that you could see yourself... reflected in them... any which way you turned...! 

And then... as I gaped... and exclaimed... thoroughly overwhelmed... at the mind-boggling sight... in front of me... forgetting all about my earlier trepidation... for a moment... I suddenly detected... a faint exotic-smelling scent... pervading the whole atmosphere...!

And turning around... back to Jessica... to comment about it... and also to express... how impressed I was... with her "Treasure Room"... to my amazement... I saw that she was bent over... turning on the elegant... golden water faucets... also shaped like sea horses... and that... Oh my good gracious... she was in the altogether... as naked as a jaybird...!!! 

Chapter  2  

Learning Brand New Vulgar Words... For The Very First Time...! 

Apparently... while my back was turned... preoccupied with marveling over the incredible bathroom... Jessica had whipped off... all her clothes...! 

Now she was looking back over her shoulders... winking at me... shutting the faucets off... and when she saw the horrified expression... on my face... she laughed in a low... sultry voice... suddenly reminding me.. of how similar it sounded to Hildegard's... our Hitler fanatic... from on board ship... and I wondered briefly... about her current fate...

"Come on... Grace... surely you're not squeamish... I remember overhearing you... talking to some of your school friends... at the ISY... about your trips... to the Japanese communal baths... with your father... and how much you loved going there... every night... admiring all those naked bodies... of the boys and men...!"

And quickly stepping into the steaming hot water... she squatted down... and beckoning to me... in that unnerving... insinuating... scratchy voice of hers... whispered...:

"Come on in and join me... it's absolutely wonderful... to feel the water... trickle all over your stark naked body... in a pool... you remember the sensation of it...?"

 

And she scooped some water... up into her hands... and poured it all over herself... from the top of her head...

And looking at me slyly... from under her long eyelashes... her thoroughly drenched... black-looking hair... now sticking eerily... to her gaunt cheeks... reminding me of an evil witch... she cajoled invitingly...:

"If you join me... I'll teach you all sorts of ways... to make yourself feel happy... nice and hot... and tingly all over..."!

Then hitting her forehead... with her palm... she exclaimed...:

"Silly me... you don't know anything about “sex” yet... or do you?"

... cocking her head slyly... to one side... looking up at me coyly...

But I could not move... all I could do... mesmerized... was stare at the stark... unabashed nakedness... of her white form... noticing that she hardly seemed to have any breasts...!

Then her thin body... became barely visible... through the steamy vapors... as the wisps of mist... curled upwards... where they quickly disappeared... through a vent... in the ceiling...

Listening to Jessica's hypnotic voice... as if eerily coming out of a fog... I was torn... in all kinds of directions... and all sorts of pictures... flashed through my mind...:  

My most recent... scary... "near sex" encounter... with the French Radio Operator... on board the Klipfontein... and how going to Xenia... to ask her... what he had meant... by suggesting the word “sex”...  had been hopeless... but then going to Prima... she explained it to me... so beautifully... so I did know now... what that word meant... beside describing gender...

And then that never-to-be-forgotten... rainy day... when I found that wallet of accordion pleated...  pornographic pictures... and how things had gotten out of hand... with my girl friends... afterwards... 

Part of me... longed to join Jessica... the crystal clear... blue water... looking sooo inviting... for I had always been happiest... when my body... was immersed... in what I had always called... "The Water of Life”...

And there was a part of me... that simply yearned... to abandon myself... to enjoying... without any feelings of guilt... the sheer physical delights... of the human body... with all its nerve endings...and erogenous zones... that my Amahs had taught me about... when I was a tyke...

Although at that age... of course... I did not know those words... to describe the recent... dim awareness of vague... tingling sensations... stirring... in my own nether body... every now and then... very mystifying... to say the least...!

But the other part of me... remembered the stern lectures... and indoctrination... under the strict tutelage... of all those Catholic nuns... at St. Maur's... except for Sister Theresa... and their constant daily reminders... that we were to resist... with all our might... "the sinful temptations of the flesh"... and how giving in to them... would surely "conscript one to Hell and Damnation... forever and ever... for all pleasures of the flesh... are of the devil's domain... and not of God's"!...

And listening to the nuns... I would always find myself disagreeing with them... wondering... since I had been told... that God Had Created His children... body and soul... in His Perfect Image... then surely all the parts of our perfect bodies... the temples of our souls... including our sensitive flesh... which He Had also Created... were for us to freely enjoy... with delight... and without any feelings of guilt... as the nuns were constantly trying to instill in us...

Then Jessica interrupted my whirling thoughts... by calling out out huskily...:

"Watch me Grace...!"

And grasping hold... of something shiny... she pulled it out of the edge of the pool... flicked on a switch... and holding the gleaming object... in her hand... swiftly swam to the other end... perching herself up... on the shallow steps... so that she was submerged now... only from her mid-calves down...

Then she lay back... opened her skinny legs wide... hugely enjoying the look of utter shock... on my face... as through the wisps of misty steam... I saw her wantonly exposing... the bright pink slash... of her secret... hairless shu-shu to me... her direct stare defiant... never leaving my face...!

The intensity of her dark look... compelling me... not to drop my gaze... from a sight... that my eyes had not beheld before... not since my Amah... Suzuki... showed me her secret big shu-shu... comparing it to my tiny one... when I was about four years old... during our special bath time... in my favorite Japanese wooden bathtub... where the water... heated with coals... from below... never got cold...

Then... pressing the strange-looking object... tight against her groin... I watched... dumbfounded... as Jessica relaxed her body completely...

Then... to my utter amazement... I saw water... squirting out of the shiny object... but the too powerful force... of the pressure... made her whole body stiffen... making her flinch with pain...

But then she fiddled with it... and I saw a fine mist of spray... arc into the air... and splash down on the water... in front of her... sending up little sprinkles of bubbles... onto the surface...

"Now I've adjusted the "shower head"... just perfectly... for the best sensation... you could ever imagine... Watch me... Grace...!"... she purred...

And when she was certain... that she had my undivided attention... she gave me a langourous look.. then very slowly... closed her huge... luminous eyes... drifting off into her own fantasyland...

I couldn't help but notice... that Jessica was fairly flat-chested... with narrow bony shoulders... and that she hardly had any hips to speak of... which extended into short-thighed... long bony legs... which were slightly bow-legged...

She kept the "shower head" - a word I had never heard before - pressed firmly... against her naked belly... and soon started emitting... throaty sighs... then soft moans... which grew louder and louder... the longer she kept it held... between her outstretched thighs...! 

Then... as I watched... with sheer fascination... totally spellbound... she started to writhe... more and more violently... then raising her left hand... she cupped her small left breast... alternatively pinching her nipple... and shaking her whole breast... up and down... vigorously... the incongruous sight of which... made my eyes... nearly pop out of my head...

And just when I feared... that she would hurt herself... as she groaned and moaned... thrashing about on the hard tiles... she opened her mouth... and uttered a prolonged wail... in a low guttural voice... at first...

But then... her voice ascended... higher and higher... like a siren... until... arching her back... she let out an abrupt shriek... then slumped over like a rag doll... dropping the instrument... that had given her so much heightened pleasure... into the water... where it now innocently lay... gently bobbing up and down... a little ways away from her...

When she had recovered her composure... after a little while... she looked across the length of the pool at me... and croaked...:

"Now it's your turn... Grace... come on... take off your clothes... and join me...!"

But all I could do... was shake my head No... vehemently... extremely appalled... at what she was suggesting...

"No...? ... Well then... I'm going to show you another one of my secret treasures...!"

And standing up... she bent over... and I saw a portion of the carpet rise up... and saw her retrieve from behind it... what looked like... of all things... from my vantage point... an enormous... bright red banana...!

"Why are you standing way over there...?  Come closer... Grace... so that you can get a real good look... at how I'm going to excite myself now...!"

I was now most curious to see... what Jessica was going to do... with the huge red object... so I gingerly stepped over to where she was... once more sitting perched... on the shallow steps...

When she saw... that she had my undivided attention... once again... she lay back... and opened her legs wide again... as before... only this time... she inserted two of her fingers inside herself... and jiggled them around... cooing...:

"Oh good... I'm nice and wet...!"

But then... to my horror... I saw her pick up the huge red banana... and push it inside herself... with both hands... until it almost disappeared from sight...!

And then she sighed... saying...:

"If I close my eyes... I can pretend that I'm with a man... and his huge “cock” is inside me... “fucking” my juicy "cunt"...!

(I had never in my life... heard the word "fucking..."... or “cunt”... before... and hearing them now... for the very first time... I thought that the very sound of them... meant something dirty... and obnoxious...)

And the sight of wantonly abandoned Jessica... involuntarily conjured up... first... a picture of poor... shu-shu-crazed Pamela... always trying to undo my pajama bottoms... to get her greedy hands inside me... even at the ages of three and four...!

And her young handsome Cook-San... showing her how to train her little dog... Tudor... to dash between her legs... and lick her shu-shu...!

And then I was remembering... some of the explicitly graphic reproductions... I had seen... of men with women... and women with animals...! And even men with little children...!!! ... all of them indiscriminately preoccupied... in frenzied acts... of copulating with one another... in that infamous series... of pornographic pictures... I had found that memorable rainy afternoon... when I was about nine years old...  

Then my attention... was abruptly brought back to Jessica... who... in front of my astonished... bulging eyes... had begun a ritual... of pulling the “banana” out... almost all the way... then pushing it back inside her... almost all the way in...!

Sometimes slowly... sometimes quickly - going through the motions of sighing... moaning... groaning... and writhing... all over again... ending with the prolonged ascending wail... and shriek... and slumping over... again... when she was done...

And all of a sudden... a vague memory... nudged at my consciousness... and as I tried to pursue it... it faded away... just out of reach...!

(Since 2002... I know that it was the deeply repressed memory... of my own babyhood sexual abuse... when various objects... were inserted inside my little body... for the amusement... of the rough Japanese men... who held me helplessly captive...) 

When Jessica threw the pleasure giving banana away from her... much like she had the shower head... I could see that it was - my goodness - an exact replica... of a man's "soseiji”... his “himitsu no kagi” (secret key)...!

And immediately had flash through my mind... the tender scene of myself... and the old O-Baa-San... and my oh so gentle indoctrination... into the mysteries of sexual intimacy... and fidelity... when I was about four and a half...

What I had just witnessed here... was blatantly crude... and vulgar... in the extreme... by comparison... and I felt tears... sting my eyes... overcome with a mixture of revulsion... and sadness... that I could not express to myself... nor put into words...

Then Jessica's voice... broke into my reverie... startling me...:

"Now it's your turn to “diddle” (also a new word for me) yourself... with the “dildo” (another new word) ... and my turn to watch you...  Wait a minute... I don't even know whether your “glidris” (another brand new word... although I heard it wrong)... has developed yet... Tell me... have you already started your “monthlies” (ditto)... yet...?"

Standing there... turned to stone... I felt like a perfect idiot...  for I had no idea... what she was talking about...  I was in an absolute daze... hearing all these words...:

"Shower head"... "fucking"... "cunt"... "dildo"... "diddle"... "glidris" and "monthlies" ... for the very first time in my life... and was far too shy... to let her know... how totally ignorant I was... 

And as for her use of the word "cock"... to describe a man's soseiji... why to me... that word had simply always denoted the term... for a male rooster... and nothing else...!

So I tried my very best... to look intelligent... and nodded my head "Yes"... and shook it "No"... to her probing questions... hoping that my answers were appropriate... and did not give my utter ignorance away... too much...

But then... I became alarmed... when Jessica leapt out of the water... and came towards me... in that strange... sinuous glide of hers... all dripping wet... and when she reached me... she whispered...:

"Come on... Grace... take off your clothes... and let me see your lovely... long body..."

And stretching our her long bony hands... with their blood red long fingernails... she reached for the rows of tiny pearl buttons... down the front of my dress... as I watched her... fascinated...

And as she started to unbutton... the top button... her arm brushed across my chest... and as it did so... as soon as I felt her touch... I experienced the same familiar... unpleasant sensation... as earlier... in the hallway... and instinctively... wanted to cringe away from her...

But at the same time... as I felt her arm... softly brush against the nipple... of my right breast... which I only recently had begun to notice... because my breasts... were often sorely tender... I couldn't help but let out a startled gasp... for I suddenly felt a searing... burning hot sensation... flashing across my "shu-shu"... much stronger... than the other times...!

The steamy hot... perfumed air... was engulfing my senses... and I was lulled into a feeling... of voluptuous languor... and I could only look down... at my tempting tormentor... puzzled... weakly thinking of fleeing... but unable to... caught up in the seductive warm atmosphere... feeling very much like a trapped doe...!

Then I saw a look of understanding... flash across those scary... dark... luminous eyes of hers... 

And as she gazed up deeply... into my own eyes... holding me in her powerful spell... a hint of gloating... in her expression... over how much her touch... had affected me... she reached down... and gently lifted up the hem of my dress... as she sank down to her knees...

"Beautiful... sweet Grace..."... she breathed... begging in that scratchy... unnerving whisper...

"Show me your secret places... please...!"

And looking up at me... almost worshipfully... snaking her tongue over her lips... she slithered her hands... insinuatingly... under my dress... and slowly up my thighs... and reaching my waist... began to pull my panties down...

Seeing her groveling at my feet... and the repulsive way... in which she seemed to be salivating... for my secret place... meant only for my future husband... the old O-Baa-San had told me... and suddenly reminded of sex-tormented Pamela... again... and the thought that Jessica might be yet another sex-crazed female... sickened me to the core... the whole unnaturalness of the scene... becoming utterly revolting to me... 

And when she suddenly stopped fiddling... with my panties... becoming aware... that the elastic waistband on them... was too tight for her... to easily pull down... withdrawing her hands... from under my dress... she reached up to take hold of my hands in hers... drawing them down... to her own puny breasts...!

And at the instant touch... of her revolting... scrawny flesh... her hypnotic spell over me... was suddenly broken... and I pushed her away from me... with a violent shove... shouting out fiercely...:

"NO...!"

And as she toppled backwards... into the pool... with a splash... and a surprised look on her face... summoning every ounce of courage... that was within me... I flung myself away... from that hypnotic bathroom... of unnatural... sinful temptation...

Rushing out pell-mell... into the long... darkened hallway... wanting only to remove myself... from that menacing... evil den of iniquity... as fast as I possibly could... I barely stopped to pick up my coat and shoes...

And running for my very life... I was praying and praying... all the while... that I would not get an instant body weakening heart lurch attack... because of all the unfamiliar excitement... my senses had just been subjected to...

It was only when I was safely out on the street... once more... that I dared to stop... in order to put my coat and shoes back on...

Boiling mad now... with utter indignation... and seething... with a sense of having been evilly violated... full of outrage... as I put my gloves back on... I hardly noticed... that it was freezing cold outside...! 

Chapter  3

The Second Shock...:  A Terrifying... Threatening Episode Of... “Remember Pearl Harbor...!”

Now that I was beyond the reach of Jessica's hypnotic spell... and out of harm’s way... all the way to the subway station... I was in a daze...  What an unexpected sex education... of self gratification... I had just had - utterly mind-boggling...! 

Did Jessica represent... what other people did... in their private moments...?

And as far as behaving... in the self-indulgent... lasciviously crude way... that Jessica had just shown me... I tried to imagine Xenia... or Prima... "diddling" themselves... either with a "shower head"... or with a banana looking thing... and for the life of me... failed to picture them... violating their own bodies... in that same disgusting way...

I already knew... what all those men... and women... and children... and animals... were doing... in that accordion set of very graphic pictures... I had found - the men and the animals... I realized now... not just stuck to each other... but actually “pumping” their "himitsu no maho kagi" (secret magic keys") ... in and out of the women's and little children's "shinseina bashos...” (sacred sanctuaries)...! 

And all the way... to the first subway station... sitting on the practically empty subway train... I went over and over... in my mind... what I had just witnessed... resulting in the usual soul-searching... honest conversation... with myself...:

"Well... Graziella my dear... in all honesty... can you imagine yourself... behaving like Jessica...? Can you see yourself sticking a - what did she call it... oh yes... a "dildo"... inside your own shu-shu...?" I simply refused... to call my precious sanctuary... a "cunt"... which sounded so vulgar...

And answered as honestly as I could...:

"No... I could never carry out such an utterly self-degrading... abusive act... upon my person... I have far too much respect for myself... 

Besides... my Heavenly Father... Would Be Watching me... and I would simply die of shame... if He Saw me behaving... in such a wanton... lewd manner... desecrating the temple of my soul... so vilely..."

And suddenly remembering...:

“Well... there was that time... in Karuizawa... when you were struck down... with a bad case of German Measles... which made you go blind... when you were about eight... and you suddenly gave in to an overpowering... and overwhelming urge... to insert buttons... and Sen... and whatever else you could find... groping around... into your Oshiri...! (backside)...”

(As I write this here... in re-editing this book... for the last time... it is June 26th ... 2008...  And in explanation... I have to say that... of course... at that time... in 1942... I had no memory... of my terribly frightening... helpless babyhood sexual abuse... which Had Been Mercifully Removed from me... by my Heavenly Father... when I was about seven... when I had begged Him... to let this please be my very last incarnation on earth... because my sensitive self... had been subjected... already to far too many shocks... in my as yet very young life...

Since I spoke fluent... high-class Hiragana... without ever having been taught... and was left... in the care of my various Amahs... by an indifferent... absentee mother... I was very cleverly brainwashed... by them... into believing... that I was a "Chiisai no Nippon Koi Mega Mi...!" (Little Japanese Love Goddess) ... born to give delight to all "Nippon no ningen" (Japanese men)... just like the Geishas... whom my Amahs... were forever praising to the skies to me...!

And throughout the village... of Kutsu Kake... the villagers would pay some Yen... to see the very “kisu no sozobutsu” (odd creature) ... an “akamba no shojo” (baby girl)... with white skin... golden hair... and blue eyes... like the sky... who spoke their language... displayed to them... while held in the arms... of her Amah...

And when the “sozobutsu” ... grew too big... to be held... they would sell her little body... to rough... muscular Daikusans... who... very curious about the "sozobutsu"... demanded to “inspect” her...!

And these intrusions... and violations... of her helpless little... two and a half... to four year old body... would take place... in the back rooms... of the little village shops... of Kutsu Kake...!

And the low-class Daiku-Sans... had greatly enjoyed themselves... by inserting all kinds of foreign objects... into her Oshiri... which is an area... of the female anatomy... that fascinates Japanese men... no end...!

And then... becoming sexually aroused... they would negotiate terms... with her Amah... and boldly fornicate with her... right in front of the terrified... trembling little "akamba no shojo"... who feared that she was looking at her own “ummei” (fate) to come... when she was old enough for them...!)   

So perhaps... in that highly feverish... crazy state of illness... in Karuizawa... somewhere in my subconscious... the memory of my babyhood sexual abuse... which... in all honesty... at times... had been pleasurable... as nerve endings... were stimulated... by the men... with their tongues... and fingers... and I had blindly reenacted... what had been done... to my little body...!

The terrible... painful memory... was finally restored... when I was about seventy-two... with the help... of my beloved soul mate... Richard... who had initially been Willed by God... to be the channel... to Inwardly “Open...” and “Awaken...” this trying to be humble to God soul... when she was thirty-one...

And who... subsequently... after his passing... into the Glory of his Afterlife... being one of Almighty God’s more favored sons... who had brought many floundering souls... back to Him... through the SUBUD Way... Was Sent down by Him... to me... on a Special Mission...

My Beloved Richard... Sent Down to me... by Almighty God... to be my catalyst... yet again... with the Divine Mission... that before I left earth... I had to remember... and face... all the important experiences... of my life... that had shaken me... to my very core...!

Including the very bad... which meant my terrifying... babyhood sexual abuse... as well as my sinful act of abortion murder... deeply soul-affecting experiences... which can be read all about... on the newly set up website... "SUBUD STORIES"... in my special... separate recounting... of incredible events... titled “Heavenly Visitations...”... being a supplement... to my Spiritual Odyssey... “From Seven Hells... To Seventh Heaven... SUBUD...”)

Getting back to my serious musing... sitting on the subway train... in New York... in the winter of 1942... on that very first night... of being allowed out... on my very own... turning out to be so shocking... and never what I had expected... I honestly reasoned to myself...

"But what if it makes you feel nice and hot... and tingly... all over... like when Jessica brushed her arm... across your breast...?

And remember how she moaned and groaned... as if she was being transported... to somewhere wonderful...?

Would you not also like to experience... that same kind of tantalizing sensation...?"

And I suddenly had my answer...  I had never liked anything artificial... besides... I was an incurable romantic... and would simply wait... for my future “saiai no Otto-San”... (beloved husband)... who would be the one and only love of my life... when I was an adult...

And he would be The One... to open up my "himitsu no maho no tokoro" ... (secret magic place...)... bringing my body... to experience wonderful tingling sensations... with the ministrations... of his tender touch... just like the old O-Baa-San... had promised... and not a split instant before... I vowed to myself... with all the fervor... that was in my eleven-going-on-twelve breast...

And so resolved... I sat back on my subway seat...  But then a horrifying thought... occurred to me...: 

"What on earth will I say to Papa... when he asks me... whether I had a good time... tonight...?"

 

But just then... my stomach growled in protest... and I realized how hungry I was...  Jessica hadn't even offered me anything to eat... or drink... and I never did get to see... the rest of her opulent mansion...!

And as I got off the train... I said to myself...

"Oh well... I will play it by ear... and keep my fingers crossed... if I have to somewhat embellish my story... about my visit to the Brecksteins tonight... in the hope that my Heavenly Father... Will Surely Understand... and Forgive me...!"

 

I was standing on the platform... in transit... minding my own business... waiting for my transfer train... idly noticing... that there were many more people... than there had been... about two hours earlier...

Mulling over in my mind... the most unexpected... incredibly shocking events... of the past hour... and how narrowly... I had escaped the insinuating tentacles of evil... in the eerie persona of Jessica...!

And as I stood there... waiting for the transfer train to come... I felt a nudge on my arm... and looking around... surprised... saw a decrepit old man... who was carrying a fairly large tray... slung from his neck... on which various items... were on display...

When he saw that he had my attention... he leaned forward... and shoving something shiny... under my nose... wheezed querulously...:

"Remember Pearl Harbor... Missy...?”

I realized that the little old man... obviously wanted to sell me something... and I would have gladly bought anything from him... noticing how pathetic he looked... in his tattered... threadbare clothing... but I had no more money - Papa had only given me enough... for the exact subway fare... and no extras...

So I very demurely... shook my head... and turning away from him... and his tray of wares... politely said...: 

"No thank you..."

But he was a persistent little bugger... determined not to give up... and came after me again... trying to press the shiny round object... into my gloved hand... his voice raised slightly... emphasizing every word...:

"Re-mem-ber Pearl Har-bor... Missy...... only a quarter...!"

To which I once again politely declined his offer... stepping away from him...

But the old man... was not to be put off... Grasping hold of my arm... he swung me around... and squinting up into my face... sneered menacingly...:

"So you don't want to remember Pearl Harbor... eh... not even for just a quarter...?"

And as I shook my head "No"... politely... once again... firmly standing my ground... to my horror... he suddenly shouted out... in a loud voice... attracting the other commuters' attention...:

"Say folks... this here gal... she don't want to remember Pearl Harbor... not even for just a quarter...!"

And when he saw... that he was drawing a lot of attention to himself... he puffed out his chest importantly... and crowed...

"She must be some durn kinda enemy... of these here good ol' United States... Mebbe what we found oursels here... is a no foolin'... real live spy... the genuaine article...!!!"

 

The last was said belligerently... thrusting his face under my chin... with a gleeful glint of hateful malice... in his rheumy eyes... that made my blood run cold... with sudden terror...!

And to my utter dismay... where before there had been people... assembled on the platform... some with their noses... buried in their late edition newspapers... some tapping their feet impatiently... yet others standing around... relaxed... smoking their cigarettes... chatting... all minding their own business...

Now suddenly... everybody's attention... seemed to be focussing on me... to whom the odious old man... was now accusingly pointing a crooked finger at... his gnarled hand shaking...!

And it was as if I was suddenly being confronted... by a sea of threatening faces... all turned towards me...!  And my heart jumped into my mouth... with terror... as... en masse... they steadily began to converge on me... surrounding me with silent... increasing menace...!

And before I realized it... as they relentlessly moved closer and closer... towards me... they were forcing me to step back... little by little... dangerously towards the very edge... of the platform... until I felt the flat heels... of my shoes... teetering over the brink...! 

I was so petrified... that I could not find my voice... to explain my innocence - besides I don't think I could ever have convinced... all these hostile people... some of them smartly decked out... in military uniform... who were all glaring at me... with such accusing... condemning glances...!

They were all regarding me... as if I was a grown up adult... like themselves... and not just an almost twelve year old... who had no extra money... whatsoever... in her pockets...! 

And if I had found my voice... they would have been even more suspicious... when they heard my distinctly foreign accent...!

And as I tried desperately... to keep my balance... my legs shaking... even in my grip of terror... I could feel how the atmosphere around me... had suddenly become thick with mistrust... and hatred... and my heart sinking with dread... I knew... for certain... from the unrelenting... grim expression... on all their faces... that I had but a few short minutes to live...!

For it was clear to see... from the accusing looks of anger... in their collective eyes... that it was their single-minded intention... to push me over... onto the tracks... of the next oncoming train... just as it roared into the station...!

Suddenly... the last hour with Jessica... flashed before my eyes... and I became absolutely certain... that I had found Displeasure... in the Eyes... of my Heavenly Father... and that I Was now Being Punished... for my sin of temptation with her...! 

And I "knew"... within my very being... the very simple truth... that God Was Going To Allow My Life... To Be Cut Short... Right Now... This Very Moment... before it had even reached... the interesting stage of puberty...! 

And at the hands of unfriendly... menacing... distrustful strangers... who were still suffering with shock... over Pearl Harbor...

Letting myself be even slightly tempted... was enough for Him... To End my existence... I Was Informed... inside my being...! 

So... since there was to be no escape for me... I concluded... resigning myself... to my inevitable fate... that I would die with dignity...

Closing my eyes... shutting out the terrifying sight... of the horde of enemies... concentrating only... on stilling the frantic pounding... of my heart... I tried to quell... the inner turmoil... raging inside me... 

Even feeling riddled with guilt... I dared to Send Up a prayer... begging forgiveness... for my sin of temptation... and also that my imminent demise... would be quick... and that I would not have to suffer too much...! 

And taking what I now believed... to be my final breath... I surrendered my sinful self... in my feelings... to the hopefully still Loving... Cradling Arms... of my Heavenly Father... feeling the strange sensation... of my body... actually fading away... from this planet earth... where living upon... had been... so often... such an ordeal for me...!

And just as I was about to lose consciousness... for all time... I heard an indignant... roaring shout...:

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY LITTLE SISTER...!?”

And my eyes flying wide open... for a breathless moment... I thought I was hearing... and seeing things... and rubbed my eyes disbelievingly...

For the ultra handsome... exceptionally tall young man... that I saw materializing... striding towards me... pushing his way easily... through the crowd... looked very much... like my big brother... Remo..!!!

And as he reached my side... and I saw that it was truly him... and not a figment of my imagination... after all... I was so relieved... that I burst into tears...!

Hiccupping out my sad... embarrassing story... incoherently... utterly overwhelmed... by the magnitude... of my close brush with annihilation... I tried my best to fill him in... on how I had come to be in such a predicament... and how I had been unfairly wronged... by the hostile crowd...

Whereupon Remo... quickly sizing up my precarious situation... and becoming livid with rage... shouted out contemptuously...:

"Can't you see that my little sister's just a child...?  Why don't you all pick on someone your own age...?"

And at his righteous wrath... everybody involuntarily took a step backwards... some with red... shame-faced expressions... on their faces... their heads down... unable to look at Remo's blazing green eyes... of wrathful indignation...

But the old man... stubbornly refused to be put off...  Standing his ground... whining... he persisted...:

"...But she don't want to remember Pearl Harbor... not even for just a little quarter...!"

... to which Remo grabbed hold of the small object... the old man was holding out... and shoving some coins at him... angrily growled...: 

"Here... take this... and leave her in peace...!"

And quickly putting the offending shiny object away... in his coat pocket... taking me by my trembling arm... turned our backs... on the nasty... belligerent old man... just as the subway train... came thundering into the station...

Chapter 4 

A Very Rare... Cozy Private Time... With My Big Brother Of A Genius... Remo... After He Rescues Me... From Certain Death... In The Nick Of Time...!

It was only when we were safe... and cozily seated... on the train... together... with me ecstatically marvelling to myself... in awe... how God had actually Sent the Miracle... of my big brother... to that very subway station... at that very precise moment in time... when I needed help so desperately... that I became curious... about the object... I had refused to buy...

And as I sat next to my handsome... Errol Flynn doppelganger... rescuer... full of wide-eyed wonder... that my Heavenly Father... Had Actually Sent Remo... to reprieve my life... from the gaping jaws... of certain death... I reasoned... that my terrible sin of temptation... Had Obviously Been Divinely Forgiven... by Him...

And shyly asking Remo... to show me... what the old man had tried to force me to buy from him... he reluctantly withdrew it from his pocket... and hesitated... saying that he did not want to subject me... to anymore trauma...

And when I reassured him... that I was now perfectly all right... feeling very safe... with him... at my side... he handed me the small object... and I saw... for the first time... what all the dramatic commotion... nearly resulting in grievous bodily harm... to my precious self... had been all about...

All that drama... had been over a cheap... round tin brooch... painted red white and blue... for the stars and stripes... of the American flag... with the simple words... "Remember Pearl Harbor..."... printed across it... commemorating all the lives lost... during the infamous... surprise Japanese air attack... on the Hawaiian island of Oahu... on December 7th 1941... which happened... on our third day out to sea... from Shanghai...!

As we continued our journey... back to the hotel... together... now that Remo and I... were safely seated... on the subway train... I marvelled to him... wide-eyed... over the Miracle... that had brought him to my rescue... from the certain jaws of death... thanking him... aloud... and my Heavenly Father... sotto voce... over and over... in a jumble of breathless words... and he became shy... at my enthusiastic demonstration of gratitude... blushing profusively... 

And when I insisted... that he give me an explanation...as to how... of all the hundreds... maybe even thousands... of subway stations... in New York... he had happened to come to this particular one... at the very same time I had... he smiled sheepishly... shrugging his shoulders... and said...:

"Well... if you must know... kiddo... I was intending to go to Lindy's... to have some of their famous coffee and pastry... I'd heard so much about... after the Benny Goodman Concert...  But this strong kind of urge... kept pushing at me... to go straight home... back to the hotel...!  

Anyway... as things turned out... I suppose my legs marched me over to where you were... regardless... because... it was only when I found myself... at the top of the steps... of that subway station... that I realized I'd been walking in the wrong direction... all along...! 

So I just gave up the idea... of going all the way back to find Lindy's... 

And giving me a roguish... conspiratorial wink... thrilling me all the way down to my toes... he said warmly...:

We now both know why... don't we?"

Remo was grinning affectionately at me now... with a warm glow... in his expressive green eyes... and I suddenly experienced... a stab of shame... unable to look back at him... afraid that he would see the enormity... of my most recent sin... reflected in my eyes...

And I hoped and prayed fervently... feeling a surge of desperation... that he would not ask... how my evening with my school friend had gone...

And soon realized... that I need not have had any qualms... about answering him... because Remo had begun raving to me... about his own evening... his eyes shining... as he enthusiastically described the Benny Goodman Concert... he had just attended... glowingly ranting on and on... about the famous musical genius... and his extraordinary virtuosity... on the clarinet... calling him the maestro of all maestros...!  

And as the train sped into the pitch black night... of the subway tunnel... it suddenly dawned on me... as I sat cozily next to him... all nice and snug and warm... that the last time... we shared a closeness... was about a year ago... when I had sat... for long hours... posing for him... while he painted my portrait... for the Jiugakuen Art Competition... in Japan... which he had won - he must have been about fifteen then...!

And now this sixteen year old big brother of mine... who had been so fiercely protective of me... back at the subway station... and older by about five years... was holding me utterly spellbound... 

And a thrill shot through me... and I sighed with delight... happy to have him all to my whole self... for the second time in my life... for longer than just a few minutes... which had been the usual case... smug in the knowledge... that he would not be able to go anywhere else... for at least the next thirty minutes or so... if not longer...

And as I gazed fondly back at him... listening to his words of admiration... for a fellow musician... full of awe and wonder... he confided to me that... because he had been so impressed... with Benny Goodman's easy going style... in the media of Jazz... he had made up his mind... to trade in his oboe... for a clarinet... on the very next day...!

And he went on... to tell me... how it was his intention... to give up classical music... for a while... and seriously study Modern Jazz... from then on... telling me further... making my chest swell with pride... that I was the very first person... he was confiding his future plans to...!

A part of me wished... our cozy journey... would never end... for it was simply wonderfully exhilarating... to experience this rare moment... of shared intimacy... with my handsome big brother... who looked so much like Errol Flynn... one of my favorite movie idols...

And as I sat there next to him... a most captive audience... raptly drinking in every word of his... I suddenly had an image of him... back in our house... in Yokohama...

Sitting quietly on a chair... in his attic room... oboe in hand... with fingers poised... over the keys... at the ready... his head cocked... listening intently to the recording... of the hauntingly beautiful strains of Rimsky Korsakov's "Scheherezade Suite"... on his gramophone... patiently waiting for the turn of the oboeist... and playing right along with him... 

Clearly... music... up until now... was by far... the most important preoccupation... of his life...

(As a matter of fact... Remo Rau became quite famous... in later years... forming his own jazz band... “Ray Randon & His Hep Cats”... in Zurich... with yours truly... as his vocalist... winning the European Jazz Festival Competition... and even composing a trilogy modern opera... titled “Crista...”... which got rave reviews...!

He even had his very own radio show... explaining... and demonstrating... the media of Jazz... to his many listeners... 

Until he was tragically struck down with tuberculosis... during his compulsory stint... in the Swiss Army... when he was eighteen... eventually necessitating the removal of both his lungs... first one... then a year later... the other...

But being strong of spirit... although no longer able to play... his beloved clarinet... he switched back... to his second favorite instrument... the piano... which he had already mastered playing... at the age of ten... together with his sister Prima... also a piano virtuoso... at an equally early age... with both of them giving many concerts... together... in Japan... becoming quite famous... throughout the Orient... and abroad...)    

Sitting on the train with him... I had a flash of him... with all his pet snakes - there is a saying that... if you have crooked fingers... reptiles will never attack you - and Remo most certainly had bent fingers... through his habit... of rubbing his knuckles... and stretching his fingers... until his joints “popped” ...! 

Harboring the snakes... under his shirt... he would charm the girls... into coming closer to him... 

And when they did... nervously tittering... flattered that this handsome young... tall... Errol Flynn look-alike... was paying them such singular attention... he would put his arms around them... making them thrill all over... until they felt the snakes... slithering underneath his shirt...! 

And they would squeal with fright... squirming and wriggling... to get free of his arms... which would now be holding them tighter and tighter... closer and closer... 

And the more they squirmed... and wriggled... screaming with fear... the more he would laugh his head off... producing his harmless pet snakes... from under his shirt...

As he talked on... I realized that his earnest confiding... of his innermost thoughts to me... was helping to soothe away... the flashes of self-loathing... that would flare up in me... every now and again... reminding me of how utterly craven... and weak... I had been... but only a short hour ago... 

And I found myself foolishly hoping... that this magical... intimate ride of ours... would last forever... that this wonderful... shared time of rare intimacy... with my big brother... would never end... 

Starved for affection... I wanted nothing more... than to be cozily sitting... at his mature for his age side... being his attentive little sister... for the rest of my life...!

And I suddenly recalled his extreme tenderness towards me... in alpine Karuizawa... that time... when I was about nine years old... when becoming interested in photography... he had taken picture... after picture of me... as I rode my brand new bicycle... around the mountains... urging me to wear my long golden tresses... loose... and flowing... for a change... 

And all throughout that day... my hair was "oohed"... and "aahed"... over... by my friends... who took every opportunity... whenever I stopped to pose... for Remo... to run their fingers... through my rich... crowning glory... exclaiming what beautiful hair I had...!

Basking in their admiration... all that magical day... I had gone to bed... that night... happily floating on Cloud Nine...

But when I woke up in the morning... I was startled to see a crowd of girls... barging into my cabin... and crowding around my bed... pointing at my hair... and jeering...!

And sitting up quickly... I saw... to my horror... that my beautiful... golden tresses... were covered all over... with pink bits of chewing gum...! 

Utterly dismayed... that I had been fooled... so maliciously... and thinking... “Pride goeth before a fall”... I sat there... under their barrage of sneering taunts... realizing that... every time they had touched my hair... the day before... in pretended admiration... they had surreptitiously pressed a wad of chewing gum... into the golden strands...!

And it dawned on me... that it was their payback... because I had stopped their wanton fun... of lewd... lascivious acts... towards each other... when they wanted to copy the scenes... depicted in that disgusting... pornographic... accordion wallet... I had come across... that rainy day... about a month earlier...

And just as I was about to explain... that my Guardian Angel... Had Been Instructing me... in how to deal with all of them... that rainy afternoon... Remo was suddenly standing in the doorway... having been drawn to my cabin... by all the noise of jeering... and cat-calling... going on...

And swiftly taking in the scene... of his little sister... being bullied... he roared at the girls... to get out... pointing to the open doorway...

Although only about fourteen... he stood magnificently tall... at six feet... and towering over the girls... menacingly... ignored those more daring ... who coyly looked up at him... flirtatiously... simpering... and soon quickly ran out... some of them shame-faced... and cowering... as his emerald green eyes... pierced them... blazing with outrage...

And once they were all gone... he turned his attention towards me... and seeing that I was now crying... he quickly made a giant leap towards my bed... and was about to ask... what was wrong... when he noticed that my golden hair... flowing over my shoulders... was streaked all over with pink...!

And when he saw all the bits of chewing gum...  he became enraged... snorting his disgust... and then sat down... on my bed... and very tenderly... and carefully... picked up a strand... of my thick hair... and painstakingly went about the process... of gently removing the sticky chewing gum from it...

And all the while... he gently handled my hair... he kept murmuring reassurances to me... so that... feeling greatly soothed... by the tenderness in his voice... I stopped crying...

And over the next two hours... or so... Remo patiently worked on my chewing gum matted hair... being very careful... not to pull the strands... so that it would cause me pain... until every bit of sticky chewing gum... had been removed...

And now... sitting cozily next to him... on the subway train... I marvelled all over again... how lucky I was... to have such a tender-hearted man... for a brother...

And I recalled... full of wonderment... again... how it was he... of the Rau family... who had had the Dream... when an Angel of God... Had Appeared to him... and Told him... That He And His Family... Would Be Leaving Japan... On The Ninth Of November...!

For a wonderful change... Remo was treating me... like an equal... a fellow grown-up... and there was not even the slightest hint... that he might start a barrage... of disparaging... unmerciful teasing... like he used to... jeeringly calling me “Crazyella” ... and “Gasiella...”... and “Featherbrain...”... "Scatterbrain"... as he chased me... all over the house... after we moved in with Papa and Xenia... when the ISY was forced to close down... because of the outbreak of war... Was it only six months ago...?

But... of course... the magical train ride did come to an end... eventually... and as Remo tucked my arm under his... once again... and we strode proudly back... to the hotel... together... with me barely coming up to his mid arm... I chided myself... for being so silly... worrying for nothing... for honestly... what sixteen year old brother... would really be interested... in how his almost twelve year old... little sister... spent her time - I ask you...?

But just as we reached our suite... he suddenly apologized... for having gone on and on... ranting and raving... about the Concert... and Jazz... and looking down at me... from his great height... asked me how my very first night out... all on my little lonesome... had turned out...!

With my heart in my mouth... I extricated myself... from his arm... and waving nonchalantly... as I walked away... called out a cheery...

"I will tell you all about it in the morning...

Goodnig-ht... and thanks once again... for saving my life...!”

Hurrying away... afraid to look back... and see the surprised expression... on his face... and more afraid... that he would call me back... I did not feel safe... until I reached the sanctuary... of my bedroom...

And as I put my head down on my pillow that night... happy to be safely ensconced... in my very own bed... once more... with my crowning glory... nice and loose again... much too tired... to give it its usual hundred brush strokes... I reflected on the events... of that most extraordinary day...

Hoping and praying... that it would not be my Karma... to experience too many more mind-boggling things... one after the other... as I had... in the space... of the past twenty-four hours...:

First the thrill... of being allowed to go out all alone at night... for the very first time in my life... resulting in the totally unexpected consequences... of being introduced... totally unprepared... and so abruptly... and so rudely... to giving oneself sexual pleasure...!  

And then... after barely escaping... from being hypnotically cajoled... into participation... with Jessica... - thank God the elastic of my panties... were too tight... for her to easily pull down... otherwise I shudder to think... what might have happened... - came that frightening encounter... with that horrible old man... and his "Remember Pearl Harbor"... cheap tin brooch...! 

And just as I became drowsy... mulling over the most extraordinary events... of that night... I remembered vaguely hearing somewhere... that all unexpected things... usually troubling situations... came in threes... and sighed... hoping that they were wrong... for I didn't think I could take any more shocks... and of such magnitude... not at my tender age...

And then... for some inexplicable reason... on this night of all nights - for it had been quite a while... since I had thought of my mother... with all the excitement... of the perilous voyage... seeing new parts of the world... for the very first time in my life... except for Italy... my country of birth... and my first two years in Peking... China... both of which... I had no memory... of living in... I found myself... thinking of my precious... adored Mummie...

And I felt the sudden familiar stab of longing for her... and wished that she was right there beside me... tenderly stroking my hair... my heart full of the usual making believe... that... when I was very little... she would hold me... lovingly close... in her tender arms... softly cooing...: 

"...Mia tesora... Mummie's darling little Tzi-Tzi..."

Of course... it was the usual wishful thinking... that I frequently indulged in... for there is no memory... whatsoever... of my adored mother... ever holding me close to her breast... cooing words of love... to her cherished little daughter... 

Nevertheless... the ache for the sound of her voice... and her very presence... so exquisitely beautiful... so regal... so majestic... and always so beautifully dressed... and smelling so sweetly... of expensive perfumes... grew and grew... until the pain of my longing for her... became so overwhelmingly unbearable... that I began sobbing into my pillow... like a little baby...:

"Oh Mummie... how could you ever leave me...? I need you so... and I miss you so much... and oh God... the loss of you... hurts so badly..."

Sometimes... the longing for her... would be so great... and so wrenching... and the tearing grief... in my heart... so agonizing... that I would have to force myself... to stop crying... fearful that I might crack my chest wide open... if I continued expressing my agonizing sorrow... so deeply..!

The ache for my adored Mummie... was always there... just under the surface... and it didn't take much... to have it resurrected... in all its searing torment... as I wondered... for the... I don't know how many times... for I had lost count... was it the millionth (?)... whether I would ever see her beloved face... again... or hear her lilting voice... with its unique... charming European accent...

And as I lay... cozy and warm... under the blankets... in my bed... full of awe... marvelling over the deep... deep attachment... I had to her... I was suddenly reminded... of my sinful evening... and as it flashed into my mind again... I thought that I probably did not deserve her love... because I was such a dirty girl... and I sobbed my heart out... even more... until my pillow... was quite drenched with tears...

And my heart full of anguish... I cried out... into the lonely dark of night...

"Oh God... Why Have You Taken my precious Mummie away from me... Please Tell me... Why...?"

And... just like during all the other times... when I had sobbed my heart out... to my Heavenly Father... in the still... lonely darkness... of the night hours... pleading with Him... to please restore my precious Mummie... back to me...

There Was No Reply... But Just A Vastly Empty... Heavy Silence... Filling The Void...!

And... just like during all those other times... when I had felt broken in two... abandoned... and alone... in my hour of overwhelming sorrow... so did I feel the same way... on this poignant night... just as broken in two... and just as bereft... and alone...

And just as I fell asleep... exhausted... and all cried out... it suddenly dawned on me... that the next day... the 27th... was my beloved mother’s birthday... her 35th... and that somewhere... on the mysterious continent... of deepest... darkest Africa... she would be celebrating her very own special day... with her new husband of now about five years... Uncle Alfred... and their four year old baby son... Hansi...

Dear Uncle Alfred... a wonderfully kind... gentle human being... from Bavaria... who... on those few occasions... when I spent school holidays with them... always treated me... like his very own cherished daughter...

And thinking of him... now... I felt lonelier... than I had ever been before... in my short... love starved life...

(I found out... years later... that he had wanted to legally adopt me... and only me... because... knowing that I was not Papa Rau's real daughter... I would never be a reminder to him... as having his blood... flowing in my veins... as Prima and Remo would... but Mummie had been adamant... that she would only allow it... if he adopted all her children... or none...)

(I deliberately kept that cheap tin brooch... for many many years... always as a reminder to myself... of my near plunge... into a wrongful act... of sexual temptation... with another member... of the same sex... an abomination... in the Eyes of God... where His Will for me... was concerned... I learned that terrible fateful night... of “Jessica...”... and... "Remember Pearl Harbor"...!) 

Chapter 5

The Third Shock...:  An Extremely Cruel Act... Is Perpetrated... Against A Truly Innocent... Ignorant... Sensitive Soul...!

I must have cried myself to sleep... eventually... because the next thing I knew... it was morning...

And as I got out of bed... feeling drained and sluggish... I had no inkling... whatsoever... that I was just about to experience... the third shock... which would be quite the most devastating... for totally unprepared me... to say the least...!

As was my usual custom... second thing every morning - the first was my intimate tete-a-tete... with my Heavenly Father... when I once again... begged for His Forgiveness... for being so weak with Jessica... last night... - I went off to the bathroom...

This was a long narrow affair... of glaring white... at the end of which... stood the commode... also white... and which boasted a fairly long bathtub... also white... above which ran an oblong mirror... along the length of the wall... and opposite it... stood a fair-sized white wash basin... 

Since there was no window... the room was pitch dark... so... as usual... bracing myself... for the blinding fluorescent light... which would bathe the whole white tiled room... in a blaze... I flicked the switch on... keeping my eyes shut tight... until they had become accustomed... to the glare...

Then... needing to relieve myself... of a full bladder... I stepped towards the toilet... lifted up my heavy woollen nightie... sat down... and peed copiously... 

Then... as was my usual custom... upon arising... I reached for some toilet paper... to wipe my "shu-shu" clean with...

(From my earliest memory... my "private parts"... had always been referred to... as "shu-shu"... stemming from the use of the word... by all my succession of Amahs...

Because... always quickly changed from my European play dress... into a kimono... sans panties... as soon as my mother left the house... to go to the YCAC... to play tennis... and my Amahs... took me to the village of "Kutsu Kake"... whenever they tried to coax me to pee... as they... in turn... held me above the ground... over the ditch... running with water... at the side of the village road... gripping me by my thighs... from underneath... spreading my legs wide apart... they would coax...:

  “Sera-Chan... Shu-shu... shu-shu... shu-shu...!"

You may be interested to know... that you will not find the words "penis"... and "vagina"... in a Japanese dictionary...! The private parts of both men and women are referred to... only in poetic terms... such as a "kagi" (key)... to describe the penis... and "himitsu no zaiho" (secret treasure)... to describe the vagina...!

And to me... a man's penis... was always known... as a "soseiji" (sausage) .. the term given to me by Papa... ever since he took me with him... to the Yuya Communal Bathhouse... when I was a tot... and quite used to seeing him... walking around the house... stark naked... with heavy weights... hanging from his "soseiji"... to enlarge it...)

Happening to glance down... on that fateful morning... in Manhattan... just as I was about to flush the soiled paper... down the toilet... I suddenly remembered... again... that it was my beloved mother’s birthday...

And as my heart ached... and longed for her... all over again... I was shocked to see... a smear of bright red... on the snow white toilet paper...!  

Puzzled... because I was feeling no pain... I wondered whether I had somehow scratched myself... down there... during sleep... drawing some blood...!

And satisfied... that that must have been the case... I stood up...  And just as I was about to pull my nightie down... over my body... I was startled at the sensation... of feeling something wet and sticky... on my legs...!

And even more puzzled... I spread my legs apart... to investigate... and became quite alarmed... to see a thin trickle of blood... snaking down my inner thighs... and then down my legs... incongruously thinking... how glad I was... that I hadn’t worn the expensive... red silk Oriental pajamas... to bed last night... that Papa had given me... back from one of his business trips abroad...

The sudden sight of the bright red blood... astounded me... making my heart race... with the beginnings of panic...! 

I knew that the blood... was coming... from my own body... but could not understand... why I was feeling no pain at all - extremely puzzling...! 

I had seen my own blood... many... many times... in the past... whenever I fell down... and scraped my knees... or elbows... or both... whilst... for instance... playing Hopscotch... or jumping rope... 

My scrapes and falls... had often drawn blood... such as the time... when I had fallen out of bed... whilst fast asleep... when I was about three years old... hitting my head on the lit "Senko" coil... a mosquito repellant...

And whilst still fast asleep... had climbed back into the bed... I shared with my big sister... Prima... without even opening my eyes...!

My gashed head was lying... in an ever spreading... pool of blood... drenching the pillow... to such an extent... that it woke nine year old Prima up... screaming...! 

I still have a little bald patch... on the crown of my head... as a memento... of that bloody episode...!

Then there had been the time when... while racing across a construction site... I had tripped... and a huge rusty nail... had embedded itself... deep into my knee... 

And seeing the foreign object... hanging from my knee... where it had no business being... instantly conjured up a scene... of having stinging iodine... dabbed on it... by Mrs. Mendoza... our boarding house housekeeper...

And feeling repugnance... at the very thought... summoning up every ounce of courage... that was within me... and praying for help... I had taken a deep breath... and pulled it out... with a great deal of blood... pouring out of the gaping wound...!

And I talked to my knee... telling it to behave itself... and stop all that bleeding... reminding it... how often I had complimented it... on its unique... most pleasing smell... whenever I sniffed it...! 

And Miraculously... the bleeding stopped instantly... and there were no after-effects... whatsoever... although it did leave a scar... which I still have... to this very day...!

But I had never experienced bleeding... from my "shu-shu" before... and my heart beginning to pound... with mounting trepidation... I tried my best to reassure myself... that nothing was seriously wrong... after all... because I was still feeling no pain...!

And I told myself not to panic... and decided... quite logically... to give my nether body... a more thorough inspection...

Thinking that the best way... to examine myself... was by standing up on the bathtub... so that I could get a better look... at my "shu-shu"... in the long oblong mirror... which ran along its length... above it... I lifted up my heavy nightie... pulled back my long hair... behind my ears... and climbed up onto the narrow edge... without too much difficulty... 

But when I opened myself up... with my fingers... to see why I was bleeding... from inside... I was shocked... to the depths of my soul... when a thick blob... of blackish-red blood... plopped out of my body... onto my fingers...!

Seeing it happening.... before my very eyes... thoroughly... and completely... unnerved me...

And now becoming convinced... that I was somehow bleeding to death - maybe as God’s Punishment... for last night’s decadence... with Jessica - I became absolutely terrified...!

And jumping off the tub... I raced out of the bathroom... screaming for help... at the top of my lungs... leaving a trail of blood spots behind me... on the tiled bathroom floor... and on the light colored carpet... of the long hallway...!  

As it so happened... everybody else... had already left for the day... except for Xenia who... for once... had not woken me up... having allowed me to sleep late... after my night out... all on my own...

And when she heard me... yelling for help... petrified out of my wits... she came leisurely... out of her bedroom... into the huge living room... where we came face to face...

And looking me up and down... with a look of utter derision... in her eyes... as I stood shivering... with my heavy woollen nightie... held up to my waist... my eyes filled with tears... pleading mutely with her...

And as the blood... now freely coursed... down my legs... and splotched the beige hotel carpet... with large... bright red spots... she nodded her head curtly... and without uttering a single word... did the most amazing thing... 

Giving me no explanation... whatsoever... she proceeded to go to the huge windows... and reaching up on tiptoe... began drawing the heavy burgundy drapes closed...!

And no sooner had she done so... when the room was instantly and ominously... plunged into darkness... and a heavy silence... filled the air... making it so thick... that I could hardly breathe...

And my lips started to chatter with dread - I had never been so paralyzed with fear... in all my life... not even when I was kidnapped... for the Oriental Sex Slave Market... twice...

Then... still remaining silent... her face totally without expression... of any kind... Xenia beckoned to me to follow her...

And leading me into her huge bedroom... immediately went to all the windows there... and drew their heavy drapes closed... as well... plunging the room... into a kind of eerie semi-darkness... which was extremely unnerving...  

And the terror surged in me... making me tremble... the whole atmosphere in the room... threatening... as I wondered... why on earth... she had done such a peculiar... frightening thing... suddenly transforming the sunny day... into night...!

And while I watched her strange movements... wondering what she was about to do next... standing in the middle of her room... my heavy nightie... still held bunched up... to my waist... shaking and shivering... my blood was now splotching her bedroom beige carpet... bright red... as well...!

Seemingly unconcerned... about the reddening hotel carpet... I watched her calmly going over... to her bureau... and rummaging around... in one of the drawers... withdrawing a strange-looking object... about six inches long... made of some kind of white cloth...! 

Then walking over to me... with it in her hand... she told me... brusquely... to put it between my legs... and hold it there...! 

And as I gingerly took the odd-looking object from her... with trembling fingers... I noticed that it was soft to the touch... padded with cotton... and that it had a fine criss-crossing of shiny threads... running all the way through it...

Then... her voice sounding very stern... she ordered me to sit down... on her backless vanity stool... and as I meekly did her bidding... feeling very exposed... and ashamed of myself... she sat down on her bed... facing me...

And without showing even a hint... of a shred of sympathy... in her beautiful grey eyes... sans glasses... she said... in a stern voice... that I had never heard her use before... during the last two years... I had been living with her and Papa... under the same roof...:

"Grad-zella...! Yu hev bin a verry bet gurl... ent Gott Iss Punishink yu nau...!!!"

And as I started to shiver and tremble... with fear... all over again... wondering how on earth she had found out... about my sinful night with Jessica... at the same time... trying my best... to hold the cotton pad... between my legs... she continued... in an ominous tone of voice... in that heavy Russian accent of hers...:

"Yu vill not stop blidink... until yu hev med oll off yur confesshons to Gott... ent to mie...!

Ent yu vill sit dere... ent not liv dis room... until yu hev confesset... everry one off yur sins... to Gott... ent to mie...!!!"

And as I gaped stupidly at her... stunned to the bottom of my toes... mesmerized... quaking... to the very depths of my being... terrified out of my wits... I asked her... in a quavering voice... stuttering...:

“You you m-mean that God Might Strike me Down D-dead... at any m-moment... or God Is G-going To Let me B-bleed To Death...?!”

She nodded her head... yes... then went on relentlessly... her words hammering at me... like nails being driven... into my skull... which was now beginning to hurt... very badly...

And for the very first time... in my life... I experienced the most excruciating pain... in my head... like an ice pick... relentlessly boring... deeper... and deeper... into my left temple...!

(This was the very beginning... of my regular... monthly... "ancestral purification migraines"... occurring at the time of my periods... and even beyond... after my necessary pan hysterectomy... when I was thirty-seven... lasting through some sixty-three years...!

And about which true purpose of "ancestral purification"... although I always felt a sense of shame... when they occurred... I only learned about... when I was about fifty-one...

When my beloved husband Farlan... had a most incredible Revelation about them... where he was even Taken down... to the very depths of Hell... to see all of them... writhing... all crammed together... in their crates... sitting on a moving conveyor belt... resting in stinking... boiling hot mud... some of them even limbless... and headless...!

That amazing Spiritual Experience of Farlan's... is fully described... elsewhere... in this book... and also in "From Seven Hells... To Seventh Heaven... SUBUD...")

Now in the opulent penthouse suite... in Manhattan... Xenia ruthlessly... continued torturing eleven and three quarters year old me... ominously saying...: 

"Ent afteer oll yur sins... hev bin confesset... ent Gott Vishes it... He Vill Stop de blidink... ent not befuor...!

Then grinning maliciously...:

Or perrheps Not...! Bicoss yur sins arr too bet...!!!"

I could only sit there... as if turned to stone... on her uncomfortably small vanity stool... with no back to lean against... for some modicum of relief... bleeding... and shivering... in a state of shock... my head in pain... as never before in my life...!

And believing her words... I tried very earnestly... to recall all my sins... of the past almost twelve years... which had ultimately brought me... to this sorry plight... in apparent disgrace... in the Eyes of God... my Beloved Heavenly Father...!

I started babbling... about how I had teased Kitty... my fluffy little kitten... and how I had bullied the “Jane” girls... during my short tomboy phase... when I had pretended to be Tarzan... pulling their hair... and locking them up... in the dungeon... 

And I was just about to confess... about that fateful rainy afternoon... when I came across those graphic pictures of naked men... women... girls and animals... and how my school friends and I... had indulged ourselves... copying some of the depictions... and also about how close I had come... to giving in to evil... lascivious acts... with Jessica... last night... when Xenia interrupted me impatiently... shaking her head vigorously...:

"No no no... dos arr not sins - oll gurls du dos tinks... I min yur ril sins... vit boyss...!"

Xenia's grey eyes... magnified by her glasses... were now glittering... with a strange expression... of gleeful malice... in the eerie semi-dark... and pointing to between my legs... making me blush... from head to toe... she said...:

"Yu hev bin a bet gurl vit boyss... Grad-zella... yu hev dun bet tinks vit dem... in det ples...!"

And overcome with shame... at her accusation... I tried to cover my face... with my still long hair... awkwardly... with my left hand... since my right one... was trying to hold the cotton pad... now becoming alarmingly soaked with red... between my trembling legs... so that she could not see the guilty look... in my eyes...

"Aha... I vass rright...!"... she pounced triumphantly...

"Yu masst nau tell mie oll derr nems... ent oll de bet tinks... yu dit vit dem...!"

For the life of me... I did not know what occasion... she was referring to... but she had spoken... with such conviction... so sure that I had been "bet vit boyss"... whatever that meant... that I was doing my utmost... to understand what she was implying... feeling dirtier... and more sinful... by the minute...!

I had never in my life... felt so vulnerable... so exposed... - all I wanted... desperately... was for the horrible bleeding to stop... or for the ground... to swallow me up... to Be Forgiven... - but for what sins... and with what boys...?!

In my innocence... my mind simply never even dreamed up a connection... to grown-ups... engaged in “sexual intercourse"... which two words of description... were still totally unknown to me... anyway...

Nay... I refused even to entertain the possibility... that Xenia might be referring to the lewd acts... such as I had seen in that “filthy dirty wallet"... innocently chancing upon it... one very rainy afternoon... when I was about nine... the sight of which... was both extremely shocking... titillating... and rudely educational... all at the same time...!

But... upon serious contemplation... within my realm of acceptable... limited understanding... what my befuddled mind... could only reasonably grasp... as a possible reason... for Xenia's scathing accusations... were the few romantic interludes... of my short life... 

For instance... had Xenia somehow found out... that I had told my sweetheart... Guido... when I was about eight... that I loved him...?

On a dare from my girl friends... in our secret club...  - it so happened... that I had drawn the card... that forced me to say the words... "I love you"... to my sweetheart... whom I had become head over heels smitten with... when I was only six years old...!

But not having the nerve... to utter my oh so sensitive declaration of love to him... face to face - those three extremely intimate words... were impossible for me to say to him... whilst gazing up... into his limpid brown eyes...

With both of us having become the tallest... in our class... we had recently been singled out... to be partnered together... and leading in folk dancing...

And feeling the joyous thrill of it all... I had wracked my brains... for a way to tell my beloved Guido... "from a safe distance... and still be heard"... 

And came up with the brilliant idea... of having him sit way up high... on the jungle gym... for the purpose...! 

And after some cajoling from me... in order to get him... as far away from me... as possible... I had promised to tell him... a very special secret... if he first climbed up... to the very top... of the jungle gym...! 

He complied reluctantly... his curiosity... as to what the "secret" might be... overriding his sense of feeling ridiculous... 

And when he had reached... the very top of the jungle gym... before my courage could fail me... I had shouted out the three precious... magic words... up to him...:

"I LOVE YOU...!"

My voice was so loud... that it startled me... for it seemed to carry... all over the vast school playground... like an echo...!

And mortified with embarrassment... especially when I saw Guido's confused bewilderment... as he sat way up there... all alone... on the top bar... made me blush... to the roots of my hair...

And I had run away... shaking all the way... down to my toes... with an amused Papa Bear... watching the whole touching scene... from his office window...!

Or perhaps Xenia had somehow found out... about that magical moonlit night... when Guido had kissed my right hand... about a year later... whilst strolling down the beach... alone together...

Surely that had not been a sin... when the imprint... of his warm kiss... on my palm... had floated me up to Cloud Nine... and... Joy oh Joy... I had still felt it... the following morning...?!

And I had not washed that love blessed hand... all that next week... afraid that I would wash away... the magical imprint... of his kiss... which I could still feel... even eight days later...?!

Chapter  6 

My Wonderful Big Sister... Comes... Miraculously... To The Rescue...!

As I continued to sit there... on Xenia’s backless... increasingly uncomfortable... small vanity stool... I was trying my best... to hide my guilt-ridden face from her... with my hair... with my back... beginning to ache... something fierce...

And longing to lie down... shivering... and shaking... more and more... my mind foggily reminded me... that those precious... meaningful episodes... had taken place... while we children... were still living in boarding school... at the ISY...!

So how on earth... had Xenia found out about them... when at those times... she was thousands of miles away... abroad... either traveling... en route to Manila... in the Philippines... or staying in San Francisco... Papa's most favorite city... in the whole wide world... admiring its famous landmark... the Golden Gate Bridge... with him... 

Or maybe they were even basking... on the golden sands of Waikiki Beach... on Honolulu... one of the beautiful... romantic islands of Hawaii... enjoying their second honeymoon... together...

And speaking of boys... the only "dirty" one I had known... until his conversion... to good moral behavior... with the help of us... his greatly concerned classmates... had been lanky Walter... the American... with his straight... straw-colored hair... always falling into his insolent... leering blue eyes...

And his penchant... for sticking his foot out... and tripping up the girls... in the hope of catching a glimpse... of their panties... as they fell down... sprawling...!

And to his great annoyance... he never managed to trip me... nor had I ever allowed him... to entice me to go behind the schoolhouse with him... where I knew he liked to lure the little girls to... with the promise of some candy...! 

The story went... that once he had them there... he would force them... to pull down their panties first... and then jeer at them... telling them he had no candy... after all... and how they were silly little fools... to have believed him...! 

And the poor little girls... would be filled with red-faced shame... and start to cry... which would make him exclaim... in disgust... banishing them from his sight... 

So... all in all... Xenia could not possibly be referring to "Dirty Walter"...

Sitting there on Xenia’s small... thinly padded vanity stool... I was still feeling terribly vulnerable... and exposed... shivering with a mixture of terror... and dread... becoming convinced... that God Was About To Strike me down dead... any second... because I could not come up with any confession... about being a "bet gurl vit boyss"...!

And my lower stomach... all tied up in knots... was now giving me the most awful cramping pain... somewhat like the times... when Xenia had forced a garlic enema on me... making me hold it inside... for a terribly long time... until the pain became almost unbearable...

And my heart was pounding in my head... with the most excruciating pain... as Xenia continued to sit opposite me... on her soft bed... glaring at me... tapping her foot... impatient to hear my confession of sins "vit boyss..."

I wracked my brains... trying to remember... any other occasion... that even hinted... that I had been a "bet gurl vit boyss"... and honestly and sincerely... could not recall... a single other episode...

Well... there had been that time... when the girls wanted to “play doctor..."... and I had agreed...  Until they wanted to play the game... for real... with the boys... which I had flatly and adamantly refused to go along with... spoiling their fun...

Because the very thought... of my beloved sweetheart... finding out... about that naughtily adventurous... side of me... was thoroughly repellant to me... making my heart beat faster... with dread...

Then of course... there was that recent... scary French Radio Operator... on board the "Klipfontein..."... but I had not been "bet" with him... by any stretch of the imagination... quite the contrary...

Then all of a sudden... the face of the handsome... English Navy Officer... Everett Kingston... flashed through my mind... the man who had been my very brief... poignant... shipboard romance... and who had gallantly... kissed the palm of my hand... as we parted... from each other... after only a few short hours...

But I had not been”bet” with him...“in det ples...!”

Which brought me back... again... to my temptation of last night... which... come to think of it... had not been a dirty escapade... with a boy... but it had been rather sinful... so I had better make a clean breast of it... here and now... to God... and to Xenia...

So... taking a deep breath... still feeling very much afraid... I was about to honestly and sincerely tell her... that there had not been one single boy... that I had ever been a "bet gurl" with... in the area... she had been pointing to... but... well... I had been a sort of a participant... in something evil... last night... with a school mate... from the ISY... whom I hardly knew...

...When the bedroom door... suddenly burst open... and my sister... Prima... came barreling in... shouting...:

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING... TO MY PRECIOUS LITTLE SISTER...?!"

And taking in the pathetic scene of her little sister... cowering on the vanity stool... trying her best... to hold the cotton pad between her trembling legs... which by now... was beginning to get soaked through... with her virgin blood... she took one giant stride towards Xenia... and slapped her hard... across her face...!

Then... as I reeled in horror... at the sheer violence... of Prima's vicious assault... against her loathed and despised stepmother... she slapped her again... and yet again... venting all her pent up fury on her...

Not only for how she had been terrorizing her little sister... just now... but also for all the times... when her conniving... and whining... and complaining about her... to Papa... had resulted in her getting undeserved... brutal belt whippings from him...!

The force of Prima's venomous attack... was making Xenia's head snap back... and hearing the staccato sounds... of the slaps... and Xenia's cries of pain... filling the room... I became very much aware... that the atmosphere... was becoming more and more ugly...

And feeling more and more uneasy... the longer it went on... my sensitive nature... became strongly affected... by the intensity... of Prima's uncontrollable rage... 

And I burst into gut-wrenching sobs... unable to keep up a brave front... any longer... unable to keep my shaky composure of dignity...

"Let God Strike me Down Dead...!  Let Him Bleed me to Death...!  I don't care anymore...!"

Then... as Prima continued to relentlessly slap Xenia's face... again and again... which was becoming redder and redder... by the minute... I wished the ground... would swallow me up... for I hated violence... of any kind...

Sitting there helplessly... watching poor Xenia... being so viciously... and relentlessly attacked... through the damp strands of my hair... made my stomach turn - I had never seen Prima... so enraged before - and my heart went out to my poor stepmother... as she cringed on her bed... whimpering... trying to shield her battered face... with her arms...

When I could bear Prima's vehement onslaught on Xenia... no longer... I staggered to my feet... and as I did so... a wave of weakness.. swept throughout my body... making me feel dizzy... in my still excruciatingly painful head...

And as my legs... started to give way... making me realize... with dread... that I was about to keel over... in a dead faint... I despeately begged my Heavenly Father...:

"Oh no... Please Don't Let Me Faint... Not Right Now... and Please Do not Strike me Down Dead... not in front of my dearly beloved sister... I could not bear it...!"

And desperate to stop Prima... from battering poor Xenia's face... any longer... with one super-human effort... I tottered forward... still holding the soaked pad... between my legs... with one hand... and managed to grasp hold of her arm... with my other one... just as she was about to slap Xenia hard... yet again...

And I cried out... my voice hoarse with emotion...:

"Prima...! Please stop it... I can't stand anymore...!"

Prima's back was turned to me... so that I could not see the expression... on her face...  Maybe just as well... because... by the look of Xenia's face... as I looked down at her... cowering on her bed... I saw... up close... how petrified she was of Prima... and the bright red imprints... of her hand... across Xenia's cheeks... were now clearly visible... 

Despite the extremely cruel inquisition... that Xenia had just put me through... I nevertheless felt a wave of infinite compassion for her... sorry that she was so inhibited... and repressed... with such a warped... narrow-minded outlook...

And... as if by magic... the touch of my hand... and my pleading voice... protesting... instantly calmed Prima down... 

She turned around to face me... and with an expression... of the utmost tenderness... in her eyes... she put her arm... around my waist... and gently proceeded to lead me away... from the terrible room of torture... without a backward glance... all the while... murmuring comforting words of reassurances to me...

I went with her meekly... feeling like a lamb... being led to slaughter... still shivering with fear... and weakness... and the most excruciating pain... in my head...

And my heart was devastated... at the very thought... that my most dearly beloved Heavenly Father... Whom I had always loved... and worshipped... fiercely and fervently... with all my heart and soul... and with all the strength... I had in me... Had Removed His Bountiful... Loving Grace... from His daughter... now Holding her... in such utter contempt...! 

And every time I thought about it... as I felt my blood... continue to flow... between my legs... as a constant reminder... of my sinful self... the tears would well up in my eyes... and I would begin sobbing... feeling desolate... and utterly alone... because of His obvious Disgust... and Abandonment...!

Now trying to hold onto the sodden... blood-soaked pad... with both hands... which were also becoming bloody... and as I hobbled beside Prima... my beloved rescuer... my inner thighs... which were tightly closed... were also beginning to chafe painfully...

And as we walked... towards the door... together... with me tottering along... hunched over... I wondered vaguely... why Xenia had made no overtures... to offer me another pad... when it must have been obvious to her... that the original one... she had given me... was getting soaked through...

Then... just as we reached the bedroom door... my terrible thoughts of doom... were interrupted... by hearing Prima's voice say... her body tense... as she turned around... to face Xenia... cowering on her bed... speaking in an icy... deadly calm... menacing voice... enunciating each syllable... for emphasis...:  

"If you ev-er... terror-ize... my little sis-ter like that... a-gain... I... WILL... KILL... YOU...!"

And turning heel... leaving the bedroom door wide open... still holding me tenderly... around my waist... she gently led me down the short hall... to her own bedroom... walking slowly... out of concern... for my awkward gait...

Chapter 7

My Loving... Motherly Sister... Brings Me Back To Sanity...!

Now that I was all alone... with my big sister... who had so often... been like a mother to me... even saving my life... once... when our house... burnt down to the ground... when I was about two... and she was about eight... I began wailing...

Crouched over with pain... looking up at her... with my heart... in my eyes... I lamented in a high-pitched voice of despair...: 

"...Oh Prima... what ever am I going to do...?  I've displeased God... because I've sinned... but never ever with boys... cross my heart... and hope to die...!

Oh dear... I said the word "die"...!

And now I'm in His Disgrace... and for my Punishment... He's Going To Strike Me Down Dead... At Any Moment... Or Let Me Bleed To Death...!"

And as I saw the look of incredulous disbelief... on her face... I insisted vehemently... shaking my head...:

"Yes... yes... it's true... Xenia just told me so...!"

To which she murmured softly...:

"Why... that's sheer... utter nonsense...!"

Then... with a hint of anger... edging her voice...:

"I've never heard anything so utterly ridiculous... in all my life...!

Stopping our walking... for a moment... and lifting my face up to hers... she said... very earnestly...: 

"Listen to me... Graziella... you've been viciously lied to...  I could wring Xenia's neck... for terrorizing you so badly... 

Come with me to my room... and I'll explain everything to you... my precious dear little sister..."

(I thought it odd... to hear her call me... by the name of "Graziella" - she usually called me "Grace" - and I shivered... with a nameless dread... full of renewed foreboding...!)

But once we were inside my big sister's opulent bedroom... closing the door softly behind her... she left my side... going immediately to a bureau... and pulling out a box... labeled "Kotex"... from one of the drawers... opened it... and withdrew an identical pad from it... and something new added...: a kind of narrow belt... with two metal things... hanging from it...!

And when Prima came back to me... with a fresh Kotex pad... and belt in her hands... noticing how I was still shaking... and shivering with trepidation... and fear... holding onto my cramping stomach... with one hand... and the soaked with blood pad... with the other... seeing the huge question mark... in my eyes... she took hold of my upper arms firmly... and looking very earnestly into my frightened... enlarged pupils... assured me... in a very grave voice... speaking slowly... and with conviction...:

“Listen... my dear little sister... there is absolutely nothing... to be afraid of...

God Is Most Certainly... NOT About To Strike You Down Dead... At Any Moment... Nor Is He Going To Let You Bleed To Death... as you have been diabolically led to believe... by Xenia... the most wicked... and evil stepmother... that ever lived...  But first things first...”

And she swiftly issued instructions... speaking in a soft... reassuring voice... showing me how to wear the "sanitation garter belt"... and attach the pad to it... by pulling the ends of it... through the jagged metal loops... suggesting that I carefully wash my private parts first... before using the fresh Kotex pad...

And noticing my face... all scrunched up in pain... she told me to take two tablets of Aspirin... which I would find in the medicine chest... for my cramps... and to dispose of the soiled pad... in the bathroom... in the waste bin... not down the toilet...

And she nearly bowled me over... with her next words... for they were...:

“And after you've done all that... come back... and I'll explain to you... all about why you're still bleeding now...!”

Pacified somewhat... and trusting my big sister... implicitly... although my head... was still killing me... and my stomach was still cramping... something awful... I went to do her bidding...

And when I reemerged... from the bathroom... once again... a little while later... I was all nice and clean... wearing not only a fresh new... soft woollen nightie... and panties... but a "sanitation garter belt..."... and fresh "Kotex pad..." - another five brand new words for me... - as well... and for the very first time... in my life...!

But still very puzzled... about the mysterious... continuing "bleeding"... from my body... I eagerly presented myself... back at her door... still shivering slightly... and still in pain...

And Prima... full of sympathy... for my painful discomfort... gently sat me down on her bed... and in a soft... reassuring voice... began to explain... the mysteries of puberty to me...

She was absolutely wonderful... in her choice of words...  For in language... that I could easily understand... she explained... that I was entering a new phase... in my life... a new cycle... and it regarded my physical growth...

And the most mind-boggling of all... to comprehend... and accept... was when she told me... that all females bled... from their private parts... once a month... and that this was quite a normal process...!!!

My wonderful... motherly... seventeen year old plus sister... enlightened her totally ignorant little... almost twelve year old sister... furthermore... that there was absolutely nothing... to be afraid of... or worried about... and that what I had just begun to experience... was simply the natural process... of ripening... and maturing... into eventual womanhood...!

She very wisely deemed it prudent... not to explain the functions... of the female organs... made no mention... of the womb... or ovaries... nor how babies... were conceived and born - not then - for it was very obvious to her... that I had already been traumatized enough... for one day... 

She felt that it was sufficient... to explain to me... only what absolutely concerned... my immediate situation... which had taken me so completely unawares... and totally unprepared... and decided... very wisely... not to burden my imagination... with too much information... at one time...

When Prima had come to the end... of her explanations... she asked whether I had any questions... and when I asked her why it was... that I had such painful cramps... like when Xenia gave me those dreaded garlic enemas... and why my head seemed to be splitting... with pain... and were these part of the monthly bleeding process... she explained that some girls experienced cramps... but usually... only for the first day... but that my head hurting... was probably due to Xenia’s terrorizing me... so cruelly...

Then... after thinking it over... she asked me to forgive her... for not having already prepared me... in advance... for this momentous occasion... expressing how terribly sorry she was... that I had had to experience... the beginning of my very first "menstruation"... (another new word for me) ... in total ignorance... frightened... and all alone...

And she went on to say that... not having expected me to begin my cycle of menstruation ... so early in life... she had believed... that she still had plenty of time... to explain things to me... when I was much older... and how could I ever forgive her... for letting me down... so badly...

I hastily reassured her... that I was quite all right... now that she had explained things so beautifully to me... and that she had absolutely nothing... to chide herself over - but I was curious about one thing... and asked her...:

“What on earth made you come back to the hotel... exactly in the nick of time... to stop Xenia... from creating more havoc and destruction... to my poor... terrified psyche...?”

"Well... it was quite interesting... really... come to think of it... maybe you could even call it Miraculous..!" 

And as she saw my eyes grow huge with wonder.... at my very favorite word "Miraculous"... she went on...: 

"Well... as I said... there I was... minding my own business... sitting nice and relaxed... in a cafeteria... for breakfast... drinking my cup of coffee... when all of a sudden... I distinctly heard a strange Voice... Calling out my name... and it was like a Command...:

“PRIMA..!”

And as I looked around... startled... wondering if anybody else had heard it... because you see... I was the only customer there...! ... the Voice Spoke again... Saying...:

“PRIMA... GET THEE HENCE... BACK TO THY HOTEL... FOR THY LITTLE SISTER... HATH GREAT NEED OF THEE...!"

And as I breathed in awe... my eyes bulging... listening raptly... to her Miraculous tale... remembering how she was always writing quotes... from the Bible... for daily reminders... in how she should conduct herself... and loved the ancient Biblical language... she went on to tell me... how... when she realized... that it was the Voice of God... Speaking to her... in the familiar language... of the Bible... she had instantly obeyed His Bidding... and raced all the way back to the hotel... covering three blocks... at least...! 

And how... when she had arrived... panting and out of breath... and had seen the darkened hotel suite... she knew instinctively... that something was terribly wrong... 

And when she heard Xenia's voice browbeating me... she had become very angry... feeling suddenly very protective... towards her precious little sister... knowing that God Had Sent her... to rescue me... from the oddly twisted mentality... of our crazy stepmother...

And when she could no longer bear listening... to Xenia’s accusing words... demanding confessions of sinning... with boys... from her little sister... knowing that if she interfered... she would no doubt... be subjected to yet another beating... with Papa’s belt... she had decided that... saving her little sister... from further traumatic damage... was far more important...

(Of course... these were all private thoughts... of my sister’s... for although we had... once again... shared the same bed... during those two plus years... we lived with Papa and Xenia... under the same roof... the War having forced the ISY... to close down... and their globe-trotting... coming to an abrupt halt... not once... was I aware... that Prima often returned to our shared bed... after having been mercilessly beaten... by her father...! 

Although... there were times... when I wondered... why she seemed to be limping... and grimacing in pain... as she slipped under the covers... next to me...!

All her beatings were my fault... because whenever she periodically confided something to me... about herself... Xenia always had an uncanny way of knowing... probably because I looked pleased as punch... that my big sister thought me grown up enough... to share a confidence with me...

And Xenia would zero in on me... and cajolingly extract the damning bit of information... out of her youngest... naive stepdaughter... whom she knew... could never tell a lie...!

Chapter 8    

Prima Really Brings Home To Me... The Realization... That My Young Life... Has Actually Been... Mostly One Of Ordeals... Trials... And Tribulations... Explaining... Why She Had Started To Call Me... “Grace...”...!

Now that I knew... that “God Would Not Be Striking Me Down Dead... Any Moment...”... nor... “Let Me Bleed To Death...”...  I relaxed... for the very first time... since that ultra terrifying... never-to-be-forgotten moment... in the bathroom... on that most amazing... incredible... totally unexpected morning... when I had seen my own blood... coming out of my body... and snaking down my thigh... right after my night... of sinful temptation... with Jessica...!

Although my head was still splitting... with the most excruciating pain... I had ever experienced... in my life...

Then my beautiful sister Prima... startled me... as smiling at me affectionately... with her warm brown eyes... trying her best... to distract me... from my pain and suffering... said...:

"So... tell me all about your first night out... all on your little lonesome - it must have been quite an exciting experience for you... making you feel like a real grown-up...!"

"Oh yes... Prima... it was not only quite the most exciting night of my life... but quite the most frightening... as well...!"

And sitting cozily... and at ease now... with my big sister... lying back... on her big soft bed... in the sanctity... of her plush bedroom... with the glorious sun streaming in... through her large window... I was greatly relieved... that the pain in my head... was beginning to subside... from the two tablets of Aspirin... she had told me to take...

And with the stomach cramps... now also easing... somewhat... I related to her... the previous day's shocking events... although I was far too shy... to go into explicit detail... about the blatant... mind-boggling thing... that Jessica had done to herself... in her bath-pool... when she shocked me... by showing me how to give herself shu shu pleasure...!  

I limited my story... to merely describing her... as a very strange girl... with an eerie... scratchy voice... that was unnerving... making me shiver involuntarily... just like when someone ran their nails... down the glass of a window pane... 

And also how scary... and hypnotic... her huge... luminous dark eyes were... their vaguely menacing expression... reminding me of a snake's eyes... innately evil... making me feel extremely uncomfortable... especially knowing... that the two of us... were all alone... in that great big mausoleum... her parents having gone out... for the evening... 

And then I described... what little I had seen of her home... and how scary... it had made me feel... with its high... vaulted ceilings... and ghostly... dim lighting... 

And when I described... the enormous bathroom... and how the tub was more like a miniature swimming pool... than a bath... my voice involuntarily rose higher... of its own accord... and I suddenly became afraid... that Prima would see the look of guilt... in my eyes... 

And when I saw her frown... my heart sank... dreading the moment... when she would start asking me... some too intimate questions... 

And before I knew it... I was babbling away... how Jessica had thrown off all her clothes... while my back was turned... admiring the incredible opulence... of the room... its soft... plush purple carpeting... and its tiled mirrors... all around the walls... and how the pool had faucets... made of pure gold... elegantly shaped like graceful sea horses... just like the faucets... in her best friend... Emmie Kaiser’s Roman-style bathroom...!

And my voice getting higher and higher... before I knew it... I was honestly describing... how Jessica had jumped into the aquamarine blue...  bath-pool...  and wanted me to take off all my clothes... and join her...! 

And although I knew... that Prima was only too aware... of how Papa had always taken me with him... to the Yuya Communal Bathhouse... every evening... since I was about two and a half... whenever he was back home... from his business trips... and that I was quite used to naturally parading around...  unabashedly naked... just like he did... in front of other men... women and children... from when I was very little... my voice stuck in my throat... unable to say anything more... my heart racing with fear...

And when Prima asked... still frowning...:

"Well... what happened then... did you jump in and join her... like you used to with Papa... at theYuya...?"

All I could do was croak... with my heart in my mouth... stuttering...:

"No-no-thing...  I... I was to-too shy... to t-take all my clothes off... in fr-front of her... be-c-cause she was ac-c-ting s-so ss-strangely... s-so I just wa-watched her swi-swimming around for a bit... then I said it w-was g-getting late... a-and I had to g-go home...!"

For the life of me... I could not look Prima in the face... and could see by the way... in which she was frowning... from the corner of my eye... that she knew I was lying... from the telltale red of my face... and that I had left something crucial out... and that I hadn't told her absolutely everything...

And then I sighed a sigh... of great relief... as she suddenly brightened... saying that she remembered this “Jessica” person... from the ISY... and being in the same Latin class with her...

And how everybody thought... how strange she was... always sidling up insinuatingly close... to the male students... making them feel uncomfortable... and how nobody seemed to befriend her... making it a point... to keep their safe distance from her... because she seemed a bit “tetched...”! 

So glad at Prima’s revelations... about eerie Jessica... and relieved... that I was not the only person... who thought her “strange”... to make up for my omission... I took a deep breath... and my voice sounding more normal again... I went into great detail... about the frightening episode... with the old street vendor... at the subway station... and his "Remember Pearl Harbor"... cheap tin brooch... 

However... when my adventurous story... came to the part... where I surrendered myself... into the Loving Arms... of my Heavenly Father... as I faced certain annihilation... by hostile strangers... I was much too shy... to share that most intimate part... of my experience with her...

Because my special relationship with Him... was something very precious... and private... to me... not to be shared... with anyone else... not even my sister... even though I loved her very much... and knew... that she also loved and worshipped Him... as much as I did...

Besides... I could never quite express... adequately... in words... the depth... and completeness... of how I could always tap... into His Presence... like a Spiritual Radar...!

Nor could I quite describe... the utter feeling of Bliss... inside me... whenever I felt His Loving Approval... as... throughout the hours of my days... and nights... ever since I could remember... I was in the habit... of sharing the moments of my life... with Him...  

But I could easily share... the part of my story... where... just as I was about to become unconscious... from terror... who should come striding through the menacing crowd... pushing his way through... but Remo... my big brother hero... and how Miraculous... his timely arrival had been... just in time... to prevent the hostile crowd... from pushing me over... onto the railway tracks...!

All throughout my breathless narration... Prima's eyes were growing bigger and bigger... with incredulity... and when I finally came to the end... casting me a very sympathetic glance... she clucked... just like a mother hen...:

"My God... you poor... poor thing... to have all those shocking things... happen to you... one after another... all in the space of the past twenty-four hours - and I'm including this morning... as well..."

Then she continued... in a tone of awe... with a slight tinge of breathlessness... in her voice... her dark eyes shining... and running her fingers... through her glorious mane of chestnut... naturally curly hair...:

"First of all... I can just imagine the excitement... you must have felt... when Papa... out of the blue... told you that you could go out alone... last night... saying that he felt you were now quite grown-up enough... to show that you can be trusted... to handle yourself independently... and for the very first time in your life... too...! 

How thrilled... and proud... you must have felt... to hear Papa say... that he had complete confidence in you..."

And as I agreed wholeheartedly with her... nodding my head vigorously... she went on...:

"But then... to have your very first night out... all on your own... turn out so frightening... and so shocking...!

First... by your strange friend... who obviously scared you - and... by the way... I know you left something out... maybe it was too embarrassing to tell me?... Never mind... I understand...  Maybe one day you'll be able to confide in me... more freely ..."... chucking me playfully... under my chin...

"But your horrible experience... with the old street vendor... after you - I'm just guessing - just barely escaped from your friend... with your dignity intact...?"

And as I nodded vehemently... in acquiescence...

"I thought as much...  Well... I can just imagine... how it must have been for you... running for your life... arriving at the subway station... panting and out of breath...

And just as you had calmed yourself down... to be approached... by that nasty old man... who wouldn't stop pestering you... to buy his stupid brooch..."

"And then to be accused by him... of being a spy... an enemy of the United States of America... you... not yet welve...?! 

Absolutely mind-boggling...!

And that nasty old man... who obviously thought you were a grown-up... because you're so tall... and whipping up the crowd... into a hostile... menacing horde...? 

And I can just imagine... how terrified out of your wits... you must have been... when they... becoming suspicious of you... forced you towards the edge of the platform... with all their eyes hating you...!

What a terrible ordeal... that must have been for you... and how utterly abandoned... and all alone... you must have felt...!"

Then... looking at me with a puzzled expression in her eyes...:

"But there's one thing... I find hard to understand... your resigning yourself to dying... and so easily... and at your young... tender age... without even attempting to fight back...!" 

And as she mulled it over in her mind...: 

"Although... come to think of it... picturing myself in your shoes... I can well understand... how petrified you must have felt... your throat probably closed up with fright...?" 

I nodded vehemently... exclaiming...:  

"Oh... Prima... you have no idea... how utterly paralyzed with fear I was - it's a wonder I didn't pee in my pants... right then and there...!

And I knew... that if I opened my mouth... to protest... and they heard my foreign accent... they would have been even more convinced... that I was a Foreign Enemy Agent...!"

Then... sympathizing... with her heart in her eyes... Prima said... surprising me... by calling me by the recent new name... begun on the “Klipfontein...”... after my close call... with the lewd French Radio operator...:

"Oh Grace... how utterly... utterly awful for you... I'm so sorry... people frightened you to death - I wish I'd been there with you... to protect you... 

But then... Remo coming to your rescue... in the way he did... arriving just in the nick of time...! Wow... just like a real Miracle... imagine that...!"

Then looking at me very closely... almost as if really seeing me... for the very first time in her life... she said... almost in a whisper... her voice full of awe...:

"You know... Grace... I hope you don’t mind my calling you by that name... but for some reason... the name came so naturally to me... making you seem... like a very special Grace of God... to your big sister...! 

And now... when I think of all the near escapes you've had... in your comparatively short life... in going over them - starting with when you fell out of bed... onto the Senko... fast asleep... and nearly bled to death... without waking up...!

God... what a scary night that was for me... when I woke up... to see your whole head... lying in a pool of blood...!"

And her eyes grew as big as saucers... as she recalled that shocking scene... in her mind...

"Then how you ever survived... the grueling... early pre-dawn exercises... Papa forced on you... when you were barely three... when... every single morning... after a half hour of weight-lifting... with those special dumbbells... he had made for you... climbing rope... and God knows what else... he made you do... to make a world class champion athlete... out of you...!

Then...

shaking her head in wonderment... she continued...:

Then immediately after... expecting you to climb... all the way to the top... of that mountain... behind our house... with him... and on an empty stomach... too... not even allowing you even a sip of water to drink... beforehand...I'll never know"...

"Then there was the time... shortly after the loathsome witch Xenia... came into his life... I think you were about five... when you almost drowned... when Papa... wanting you to learn how to swim... threw you... without any warning... from the top of his shoulders... head first... straight into the Pacific Ocean... and you somehow survived... even though you sank straight to the bottom... like a stone...!"

Now looking at me with awe... continuing to shake her head in disbelief... she said...: 

"And then the ordeal... right after... of being forced to lie in the blazing hot sun all day... as punishment... with no food or drink... getting yourself so horribly sunburned... that you had to be rushed to hospital... where they bandaged you... from head to toe... like an Egyptian mummie... and somehow... you survived even that...!

No wonder Mummie shot him... when she saw the pitiful sight of you... your whole body all lobster red... and shivering with fever...!

"And then... a few years later... when we started living with Papa and Xenia... under the same roof... how you even survived all those nightly... terrifying ordeals... of Papa locking you up... in that small... narrow... downstairs toilet room... I’ll never know...

I know all about his nightly ritual... of first turning on the light... and opening the window... to attract the swarms of the huge... dive-bomb... flying "aburamushis" (cockroaches)... and forcing you to stay in there with them... for hours... on end... to overcome your terror of them...!

And how he often found you... lying on the floor... in a dead faint... your body covered with them... crawling all over you... when he finally opened the door... of that chamber of horrors...

How you endured... all that mindless... horrible terror... without going mad... I'll never know..."

Shaking her head again... her eyes... during the past ten minutes or so... looking at me... with ever more growing respect... and admiration... she continued...:

"And I'm sure you must have had some other hairy experiences... about which I know nothing about... I thought so..."

...as she saw me vehemently nodding my head...

These referred to my close shaves... that I had never told anyone about... ever... involving the times... when I was nearly kidnapped... for the thriving Oriental Sex Slave Trade...!

The very first time “kidnapping”... became my fate... was when I was about four... and it was also... the very first time... in my life... that I heard the Voice... of my Guardian Angel... when He Spoke... into my right ear... Urging me...:

“DASH BETWEEN HIS LEGS...!” 

Referring to my would be captor... an insolent... muscular young Daiku-san... who was standing... in the middle of the village road... with his arms... and legs... outstretched... barring my way home...!

And the second time... when I was actually kidnapped... happened... on the day... before my fifth birthday... when... before I knew what was happening... I was whisked off an unfamiliar street... and swiftly bound and gagged... by some Chinese thugs...!

And it was then... that I saw my Guardian Angel... for the very first time... in my life... when He... a Beautiful Shimmering Being of Light... Rescued me... while I lay... tied... and gagged... on a cold cement floor... in a pitch black... dank room...

And in the blink of an eye... He Had Untied me... and Transported me... in His Cradling Arms... straight back to my house...!

And the third time... was when I was just a little girl of seven... when one of them... whom I had ferociously attacked... in the afternoon... because he had lewdly exposed himself to me... at the garden gate... came back... in the middle of the night... climbed into my bedroom window... and carried me off... fast asleep... up into the mountain... behind Papa and Xenia's new honeymoon house...!

And again... escaping from him... and two of his "tomodachis"... three grown men... and freeing their other captives... as well...!

All with the Help... of my Guardian Angel Friend... Who Gave me the Superhuman Strength I needed... to break free of my rough captors... with the one who had actually kidnapped me... wanting me to eat his feces... before he sold me... to the sex slave traffickers...!

And reminiscing... knowing that those terrifying kidnapping experiences... would be etched in my soul... forever... Prima broke into my reverie... by saying...: 

"But what is hard to fathom... Grace... is that you survived all those scary... monumental episodes... and with the handicap... of having heart problems... as well...! 

Which... on reflection of everything I've just said... has finally led me to the conclusion... that there can be only one explanation... for your having survived... all those horrendous... shocking ordeals...

I'll even go as far as to call them... Miraculous Deliverances... from dangerous situations...!

Because I am thoroughly convinced now... that God Must Have Sent Down To you... your very own special Guardian Angel... Who Has Been Commanded... by Him... to Watch over you... Making Sure... that no real harm... ever befalls you...!"

She said the last words... with conviction... and a note of envy... and then... shaking her head in wonderment... she said... with admiration... in her voice...:

"But you know what is the most amazing thing of all...? Ever since I have known you... when you were barely two years old... and as you were growing up... you were always so cheerful... and good natured... never bad tempered... or complaining... or whining... or throwing tantrums... like other kids... I've known...

And despite all the terrible ordeals... you have gone through... you have always remained sweet-natured... obviously born with a sunny... optimistic disposition... and strong of spirit...!

And as I thrilled... at my sister’s wonderful words... hoping they were true... but not really feeling... as if I deserved... any special attention... from Heavenly Angels... I was reminded... to tell her... about how Remo... had intended to go to Lindy's... for some of their famous coffee and dessert... right after the Benny Goodman Concert... and how his legs... Had Marched him... in the opposite direction... straight towards my subway station... instead... without him ever realizing it...!

And at my words... she whispered in awe... her eyes huge with wonderment...:

"My goodness... it's as if God Was Making your Guardian Angel... Direct Remo... to come to your rescue... gee whiz...! (her latest favorite expression) ...

Tell me... do you still have the "Remember Pearl Harbor" brooch... that caused you so much trouble last night... or did you throw it away...?"

And as I nodded my head... telling her that I still had it... she went on...:

“Well then... are you... in the end... going to get rid of it... after all...?"

"Oh no... Prima..." ... I replied... with great emphasis... getting all emotional...

"I couldn't possibly have the heart... to throw it away... not when it not only symbolizes... remembering all those thousands of lives... senselessly lost... during the infamous... Japanese surprise air attack... on Pearl Harbor... but also a horrendous night of my own... to remember...!"

"Do you mind showing me the famous brooch... then...?" she asked shyly...

"Of course!"... I whooped... delighted...

And jumping off her bed... I ran to my bedroom to retrieve it... completely forgetting... that I was still bleeding... from between my legs...! 

And it was only when I raced back... with the famous brooch... clutched in my hand... that I suddenly realized... that I had been running...!

And stopping dead in my tracks... in Prima's bedroom doorway... it dawned on me... that I might have done myself some injury... by running...! and was about to ask about it... when she... noticing the look of anxiety... on my face... anticipating my question... smiled.... and reassured me... that it was perfectly all right to run... 

In fact... she went on... I was to behave normally... just as usual... except it might be a good idea... not to take a bath... during this time... because the hot water... might induce heavier bleeding... unnecessarily ...

Chapter 9    

Some Very Serious... Sobering Discussions... Between Two Loving Sisters...!

It was so wonderful... to have such a wise... loving... understanding... big sister... who could instantly put me at ease... explaining away... all my misgivings... and so naturally... and I cherished the very rare... precious moments... we were sharing... with one another... sitting on her bed... our heads close together... admiring the cheap metal brooch...

I loved being intimately close to Prima... in this manner... in the privacy... of her inner sanctorum... and I felt quite grown up... which gave me a very pleasant... “uplifting” sensation - aided and abetted... no doubt... by the fact... that I was now wearing a sanitation garter belt... and Kotex pad... for the very first time in my life...!

And my chest expanded with pride... wanting to prolong... for forever... our oh so precious... rare time... all alone... together...

If I had entertained any thoughts... that my sister... was simply whiling away the hours... humoring me... because her current boyfriend... was off at work... they would have been dispelled... making me know indisputably... how sincerely she commiserated with me... when I saw her contemptuously flicking the famous brooch... that had caused me such soul-deep... dismaying terror... as it now lay innocently... on the coverlet... between us...

And I was thrilled to see... as the hours passed by... that Prima never showed any evidence... of getting bored... in my company... nor did she display... any signs of her usual restlessness...! 

And for the rest... of that memorable day... she stayed close to me... never leaving my side... comforting and reassuring me... such as when I suddenly began to experience... the return of the frightening... unfamiliar stabs of painful cramps... in the lower part of my abdomen... from time to time... doing everything in her power... to set my mind at ease...

Prima ordered Room Service... from the hotel... for our lunch... for just the two of us... ignoring Xenia completely... and although... for once... I didn't have much of an appetite... I enjoyed sharing... our very first meal... together... alone with her... for a change...

And I managed to pick... at my very first taste... of a shrimp cocktail... eating some of its delicious preparation... at least... if for no other reason... than to keep my strength up... for I was still feeling... a strange kind of unfamiliar weakness... all over my body...!

And deeply touched... at Prima’s gesture... of introducing her little sister... to a brand new type of prepared seafood... while I happily munched... on our food... together... with her taking small bites... and eating very little... of her salad... sans oil... because of her fear... that her “adolescent baby fat...”... might come back... we suddenly exclaimed... at the same time... that today was Mummie’s birthday...! 

Both of us agreeing... that we should drink a toast... to her continued happiness... with her new husband... of now five years... adorable... teddy bear Alfred... and their cute baby son... Hansi... now about four years old... Prima with her favorite drink of Coca Cola... and me with a glass of sparkling water... with a lemon twist...    

We continued with our light lunch... reminiscing over our times... with our precious Mummie... who had always treated Prima... like a younger sister... rather than a daughter... for she had given birth to her... when she was only seventeen... so that the serious side of Prima... was very mature... for her age... now... of seventeen and a half...

Also... there was the fact... that Prima had spent more years with Mummie... than I had... being already twelve years old... when she divorced Papa... because of his Russian mistress... Xenia... while I was only about six... at the time...

Then... as we leisurely continued... with our lunch... together... as I... from time to time... “felt” the blood... seeping out of my body... it suddenly occurred to me... that men might also possibly experience... the same sort of “monthly menstruation...”... so I asked Prima about it... curious to know about all the details... 

But she surprised me... by telling me that they didn't... and seeing my raised eyebrows... she told me... by way of her explanation... the most famous biblical love story... of all time...!

Chapter  10

The Fascinating... Age Old Love Story... Of Adam And Eve...!

Prima began the intriguing version of her narrative... by saying...

"In The Beginning... After God Created The Land... And The Seas... And The Skies Of Earth... He Created Animals For The Land... Fishes For The Seas... And Birds For The Skies... Taking Only Six Days... To Create The Planet Earth...

And Then God Created A Male... Out Of The Dust On The Ground... In The Garden Of Eden... Breathing Life... Into Him... And Calling Him Adam...

And After A While... Realizing That Adam Was Lonely.. Because He Kept Begging His Father... To Please Let Him Leave Earth... And Return To His Home In Heaven... To Dwell With Him There... While Adam Slept... God Created A Woman... From One Of Adam's Ribs... Calling Her Eve...! 

God Created Adam And Eve... Because He Wanted To Know... How His Great Experiment... Of Creating a Human Being... With A Soul... Who Was To Live Out... His Mortal... Physical Life On Earth... But Whose Soul Would Be Eternal... Would Turn Out... Making Sure... That Adam And Eve... Were In Constant Contact With Their Creator... God... In Heaven..."

I had already read the deeply moving story... of Adam and Eve... in the Bible... many times... utterly fascinated... with the very first chapter of Genesis... in the Old Testament...

Thoroughly awed to read... how our Heavenly Father... The Greatest Genius Of All... Almighty God... In His Omnipotence... And Omniscience... Had Created Darkness And Light... And The Heavens And Earth... Out Of Nothing...!

Almighty God Had Also Populated... All The Land Of The Earth... With Beasts... Of All Kinds... And The Great Oceans... Filling Them With Fish... Of All Kinds... And The Air... With All Kinds of Fowl... All In The Period Of Six Days..! 

And How He Saw... That All That He Had Created... Was All Good... And To His Great Liking... And How He Had Rested... On The Seventh Day...! 

And in my youthful understanding... I realized... that our Heavenly Father... Was Thereby... Setting a Precedent... Forever After... That After He Created Adam... All the Children... of Adam and Eve... Also With Souls... that Directly Connected Them with God... in Heaven... Would Also Be Working for Six Days... and Resting On The Seventh Day... throughout their lives... on earth...! 

But not wanting to burst Prima’s loving... endearing... unique bubble... I let her go on believing..  that I was hearing the story about Adam and Eve... for the very first time... in my life... 

Besides... it would be interesting to hear... about her feelings... and opinions... regarding the famous Biblical Story... about the very first lovers on earth... from whom the rest of the people on earth... were descended...!    

And now my big sister Prima... with great enthusiasm... was continuing her fascinating tale... about the beginning of human life... on earth... thus...:

Adam Was Thrilled... When He Woke Up... To Find That He Was Not Alone... And That There Was A Beautiful Human Being... Standing There Before Him... Who Looked Like Him... In Shape And Form... With A Face Like His... And Hair On Her Head... Like His... Although Hers Was Much Longer... Arms... And Hands... And Fingers... And Legs... And Feet... And Toes... Just Like He Had... But There The Similarity Stopped...!

Because... As He Gazed At Her Chest... He Saw That Her Protuberances... Were Much More Pronounced... Than His... And Quite Pleasing... To His Sight...

And Adam Also Saw... That The Place Between Her Legs... Was Different... Because She Did Not Have What He Had... Hanging Down From There...!

And As He Stared... At Their Differences... A Strange Thing Happened...! The Protuberance Hanging Between His Legs... Started To Grow Bigger... And Became Very Hard...!

And Eve... Seeing What Was Happening... To Her Mate.... Instinctively Knew... What To Do...!

She Lay Down... On The Soft Green Grass... In The Beautiful Garden Of Eden... Smiled Up At Adam... And Opened Her Legs... Beckoning To Him... To Come To Her...!

And Adam... Also Instinctively Knowing What To Do... Went To His Mate... Eve... And Lay Down On The Soft Green Grass... With Her... And United Himself With Her... In A State Of Bliss... Where They Become As One...

Thus Their Blissful Life... In The Beautiful Garden Of Eden... Began...

And God... Who Had Created Both Adam And Eve... Saw How Blissfully Happy... They Were Together... And Was Well Pleased...

His Last Creation... That Of A Man... In His Image... Out Of The Dust... On The Ground... And Then... As An Afterthought... A Woman... From One Of The Man's Ribs... So That The Man Would Not Be Lonely... Dwelling All Alone... In The Magnificent Garden Of Paradise... Had Turned Out... Very Well Indeed...!

However... So That Adam And Eve... Would Acknowledge God... As Their Creator... And Lord And Master... God Had Told Them... That They Could Enjoy... The Whole Of The Garden Of Eden... All The Animals... And All The Fruit... Of The Trees...

But... There Was One Tree... Whose Fruit They Were Forbidden To Eat... And That Was The Fruit... Of The Tree Of Knowledge...! 

But Eve Happened To Have Been Born... With A Nature... That Was Full Of Curiosity... And An Enquiring Mind...

Besides... The Fruit Looked So Enticing... So Red And Juicy... Surely There Could Be No Harm... If She Just Took A Teensy... Weensy Bite... Out Of The Delicious Looking Apple... Hanging From It...?

And God... Seeing How Eve Was Curious... About The Fruit... Of The Tree Of Knowledge... Had Sent Down... A Very Special Serpent...To The Garden Of Eden... To Tempt Curious Eve...!

And The Serpent... Had Beguilingly Coaxed Her... To Bite Into The Forbidden Apple...! 

And When Adam Came Upon Eve... And Saw What She Had Done... He Had Protested... Reminding Her... That She Had Just Partaken... Of “The Forbidden Fruit...”...  From The Very Tree... That God Had Said...:  “Thou Shalt Not Eat...!”

But Then Willful... Impulsive Eve... Had Cajoled Her Love... Adam... Into Taking A Bite... Of The Apple... Also... Telling Him How Delicious It Was... Despite His Weak Protests... That God Had Forbidden Them... To Eat... Of The Fruit... Of The Tree Of Knowledge...

And No Sooner... Had Adam Taken A Bite... Of The Apple... As Well... When They Both Heard The Voice Of God... Their Lord And Master... In Anger... Reprimanding Them... For Disobeying Him...

And Suddenly Becoming Aware... For The Very First Time... In Their Lives... That They Were Both Naked...They Became Ashamed... And Tried To Hide Themselves... From The Wrath Of God...

Then... Because Eve Had Been The First... To Disobey God's Command... Not To Eat... Of The Fruit... Of The Tree of Knowledge... She Had Fallen... Into Disfavor... And Into A State Of Eternal Disgrace...!

And God Had Told Eve... That All Her Descendants... Of The Female Species... Would Henceforth... Suffer Physical Pain... As Punishment... 

And So... Although Adam Had Also Eaten... Of The Forbidden Fruit... Because He Had Not Sinned First... He Was More Favored By God...

Although As Divine Punishment... God Had Banished Both Of Them... Out Of The Garden Of Paradise... Where They Had Lived... Together... In A State Of Perfect Bliss... Telling Them That...

"Henceforth... Thou Shalt Live And Toil... By The Sweat Of Thy Brow...!" ... And...

"Henceforth... Woman Will Bring Forth Her Children... In Pain... And Sorrow...!"

And That... Because God Favored Adam... More Than Eve... Henceforth... All His Male Descendants... Would Likewise... Be More Favored By God... Than His Female Descendants...!"

And my adorable... big sister Prima... ended her enrapturing tale... by explaining that Eve's disobedience... had caused her... and all her female descendants... Ordained by God... to suffer with weekly bleeding... and painful cramps... every thirty days... just like I was now experiencing... and millions of other females like me...!

And that there was no such kind of regular monthly suffering... ordained by God... for Adam... and his male descendants...!

And so it still was... today... on this the twenty-seventh day of February... in the year of 1942... which also happened to be... our beloved mother’s birthday...!

Prima's beautiful version... of the Adam and Eve Love Story... filled me with awe... and her words had a ring of undeniable Truth in them...!

But... as far as Females... Not Having God's Favor... was concerned... that I simply could not believe... unless I was an exception... of one of His female species...!

Because the fact of the matter was... that ever since I could remember... that not a day went by... when I did not Feel the Love of God... my Heavenly Father... Enveloping my entire being...

And the only requirement... needed of me... to instantly experience... His All-Encompassing Love for me... In All Its Glorious Fullness... Enfolding me Warmly... and Tenderly... Like A Fragile Chrysalis... In Its Cocoon... was to still my mind... of all thoughts... and opinions... empty my heart... of all feelings... and desires... and simply open myself...up to Him... in total trust... and faith... to Instantly Receive... His Divine Love... in all its Wondrous Glory...!

So... overcome with the memory... of all the many times... I had felt God's Boundless Love for me... when I was obedient... to His Will for me... all I could do... sitting once more... on my big sister's bed with her... after lunch... was to simply smile shyly at her... unable to express into words... nor explain to her... the very special... unique Inner to Inner... One on One relationship... I had always enjoyed... with my Heavenly Father... hugging His Tender... Loving Approval... of me... secretly to myself...

We spent the rest of the afternoon... discussing different aspects... of the Story Of Adam and Eve...

For instance... how come Adam knew... that there was a “Heaven...”... if he was Created... out of the dust... on the ground... and were he and Eve... the original vegetarians... only living on fruit... or did they kill... and eat... some of the animals... in their Garden of Eden...? 

But then... how would they eat them... for surely they did not know... how to light a fire...!  And certainly would not eat the animal flesh raw...!

And after they realized... that they were naked... what did they use... to cover their bodies... so that they “could toil by the sweat of their brow...”!?  And that surely using only leaves... from the trees... could easily get torn... as they “sweated and toiled...”?  

But most baffling of all... how was it... that they were already able... as soon as they were Created... to be able to communicate... with each other... and who taught them to speak... and in what language... and to what extent... did they actually understand... what a “Tree of Knowledge” was...?!  

Or just maybe... they did not have a language... but communicated with God... their Creator... and each other... soul to soul... feeling to feeling... since Eve had been Created... from a part of Adam’s body... they were connected... so close to each other... as no two souls ever had... nor ever will...!  

And after weighing... all the pros and cons... we both came to the conclusion... between us... that there must have been many aspects... of Adam and Eve’s Story... and communication... between Adam... and his Creator... Adam and his mate... Eve... and Eve and the Serpent... that were either... left out of the Bible... as we knew it... or the original teller... of Adam and Eve’s story... had made up parts of it...!

But... alas... the precious... rare day of closeness... between my beloved sister and myself... did finally come to an end...

And as I lay my head down on my pillow... to sleep... that night... I reflected... in discussing things... with my Heavenly Father... as usual... on all that day's incredible events... especially Xenia’s vicious... consumed with jealousy... payback attack... because Papa Rau... had dared to display... such singular interest... and attention on me... his youngest... secretly “darling Nadia” daughter... was it only last night...?

Wondering whether there was a Spiritual significance... that my very first period of menstruation... occurred on my mother’s birthday... and that the date of the 27th... would serve... as a constant reminder... of her... throughout the coming years... of monthly bleeding...!

And how much I had learned... from my beloved sister... Prima... when I recalled the Story... of Eve's Disgrace... And I Sent Up a silent prayer... fervently asking... that Prima... also... feel His Love... Enveloping her... just as I did...

And that she Would Feel... His very special Favor... for her... adding please... Not To Allow her... to be punished by Papa... because of her furious onslaught... on his beloved Xenia... that morning... a momentous morning... that marked the very definite end... of my childhood... such as it had been... a soul-searing morning... I would never... ever forget... as long as I drew breath...

Then the thought... suddenly hit me... that although Prima and I... not only shared the same bedroom together... but the same bed... in the past two years... when we lived on the Bluff... with Papa and Xenia... not once... did I become aware... that Prima was menstruating...!

And I marvelled... at how carefully she made sure... that I would never see... her box of Kotex... nor that she was bleeding... from between her legs... as she lay in bed... next to me... not wanting to shock my sensitive psyche... at too early an age...!

Today... of course... I know from our Holy Spiritual Beloved Father... of SUBUD... Bapak... that it Was Actually God's Will... all along... that Adam and Eve... eat of The Fruit Of The Tree Of Knowledge...

For in doing so... they became aware... of the difference... between right and wrong... good and evil... Bapak chuckling... and saying... that their honeymoon... was now over...!

And henceforth... throughout all the generations... the descendants... of Adam and Eve... that have followed... being endowed... with free will... within the boundaries... of their destinies... unlike animals... and all the other creatures... of God's Creations... who have not been born with free will... have been given the opportunity... to choose good... which is much harder... over evil... which is much easier...

Well... it so happens... as an Angel of God... Told this soul... once... that we souls... living on earth today... are actually the descendants... of the 19th Adam...!!!

So it appears... that the whole cycle... of Adam and Eve... from the very Beginning... has repeated itself... 19 Times...! 

Try to imagine that... if you can...!

And as far as the female's cycle... of necessary monthly blood letting... is concerned... it is for the purpose... of cleansing of the sins... of her blood line...

And the Spiritual Reason... for a male's circumcision... is for the purpose... of purification of the sexual sins... of his ancestors...!

Chapter  11

The Glorious... Wondrous Miracle... Of SUBUD...!

It is 6.42 a.m. ... on June 19th ... 2008... and whilst re-editing my work... for the very last time... my dearly Beloved Bapak... ever Youthful... Vibrant... and full of Energy... is Visiting this humble... most willing soul... yet once again... urging that she write here... once more... an explanation... about the Miracle Of SUBUD... with Bapak’s helpful prompting... and she most willingly obliges... her Beloved Spiritual Father... Bapak... to whom she is so eternally grateful...

For it is he... one of Almighty God’s more favored sons... and he alone... who made it possible... for this humble to God soul... to Receive Inner Contact... with His Great Holy Life Force... which she constantly Feels... Gently Vibrating inside her...

Ever since that Miraculous Sunday... of February 12th 1961... when... at almost thirty-one... her Inner self... was “Awakened...”... and “Opened...”... into the Wondrous Miracle of SUBUD... through her Beloved soul mate... Richard... as her channel... on his beautiful ranch... in Johannesburg... South Africa...

Thus her Beloved Creator... her Heavenly Father... Brought all her life-long searching... for a True Path.... back to Him... to a Glorious end... by Introducing her... to the very unique... SUBUD Way Of Worshipping Him... 

And now... Bapak dictates... to his most willing SUBUD daughter... the following Holy Words...:

"Throughout the countless eons... and eons of ages... mankind has been taking one step forward... and two steps backward... falling further and further away... from having his Inner Self... which is his Higher Force... be in Contact... with the Divine Grace of God's Great Holy Life Force... Which Perfectly Directs... and Guides him... in all he does...

Because of the fact... that he has been allowing himself... more and more... to be influenced... and ruled... instead... by his lower forces... which are the cleverness... of his mind... and brain... and his proud ego... and the fickle... unreliable emotions of his heart... which always ultimately result... in discontent... in the making of wrong decisions... and creating mistakes... of one kind or another... 

So that his Higher Force... which is his Inner Feeling... has gradually... by and large... become closed off... from that Perfect Inner Contact... with his Creator... his Heavenly Father... Allah Almighty God...

Thus... he has lost contact... with His Perfect Prompting... And Perfect Guidance... And Direction... felt within his Inner Self... Which Arises... From Its Direct Link... to the One... Who Created him... namely Almighty God...

And when God's Created souls strayed... too far afield... from their Divine Contact... with their Creator... through their Inner Selves... their souls... making many mistakes... and becoming more and more unhappy... and miserable... Almighty God... In His Compassionate... Loving Mercy... Would Send Down Prophets... to earth... to help... and guide them... back to their Creator... 

And yet... despite all of them... from Abraham... then Moses... then Jesus... to Mohammed... the children of God... for a while... were content... to have dwelling amongst them... such a Highly Exalted Soul... Exceedingly Blessed by God... a Spiritual Brother... to guide them... and help bring them back to the One Who Created them... through Adam...

The souls of these Holy Men... who had not lost touch... with their Inner Contact with God... and were not influenced... and ruled... by the lower forces... of their hearts and minds... thereby Blessed... with Perfect Inner Links... back to their Beloved Creator... and solely worshipped... Lord and Master... were able to help the lost... floundering... unhappy souls... 

But again... and again... despite all these Magnificent Saints... man... being weak... and easily influenced... by his own heart and mind... would continue to stray... from the Straight and Narrow Path... back to God... soon becoming unhappy... and miserable... once more... 

Since Almighty God... Originally Created a Perfect Soul... mankind has been trying to regain... that Perfection of Inner Contact... with his Creator... within his being... because he is born... with an Inner Awareness... of his original Perfection... 

And Almighty God Still Intends... for mankind... To Become Perfected... as He Ordained... in the Beginning... when there were Noble Souls... of excellent character... who acknowledged their Heavenly Father... as their Lord and Master... and were obedient to Him... following His Perfect Will for them... in utter trust... and faith... and were Blissfully Happy... And Content... with their lives...

But today... in this most unhappy... and discontented... day and age... of anxiety... and fear... and increasing violence...since all those Prophets... did not leave a truly lasting effect... because most of mankind... is still allowing himself... to be influenced... and ruled... by the lower forces... of his heart... and mind... to his detriment... it is as if Almighty God... Himself... Has Stepped Off His Throne... And Given Himself... To Mankind... On Earth... In The Divine Form... Of His Great Holy Life Force...!

Because... in this Miraculous day and age... He Has Granted mankind... a True Way... To Become Perfected... once more... 

And this Way... Is Effected... through the submitting of one's whole self... in sincere... patient... unconditional surrender... to Him... through His Great Holy Life Force... in the Latihan Kejiwaan of SUBUD... with utter trust... and faith in Him...

Unconditional surrender... meaning that the one who sincerely submits himself to God... will neither pray for... nor ask for... nor expect... nor hope... for anything... in particular... for himself... from Him... but will only accept His Perfect Will... Which Will Be Felt... by each Loved Child of God... inside himself... like a Gentle Vibration... and Which Will Be Uniquely Different... for each individual... who sincerely... and patiently... surrenders himself to His Creator...

Thereby... mankind will be experiencing... the Secret Miracle... of God's Divine Grace... their entire beings... of individual character... nature... and personality... Gradually Becoming Re-Shaped... and Re-Molded... Cleansed of sins... and Purified of mistakes... not only of their own... but of their ancestors’... as well... All According To His Perfect Will... for them... and which... He Alone... Has the Power To Bring About...

For God... Who Is Almighty... Knows Every Inch... Of Each One Of His Created Souls... both of What Is Within... And What Is Without Them... Far... Far Better... Than They Know Themselves...

And God Knows Far... Far Better... What Each One Of His Created Souls...Truly Needs... Than They Know Themselves...

For in those of us souls... who are SUBUD... and are patiently... and sincerely... following our Creator... Allah Almighty God’s Perfect Inner Guidance... Which is different... for each individual... as we Receive it... throughout the hours... of our daily lives... we will no longer make mistakes... as He Gradually Transforms us... once more... into becoming noble human beings... of excellent character... as it was In The Beginning...

Being Allowed free rein... to express our free will... but only within the boundaries... of our Karmic destinies... and no further... thus we ultimately achieve lives of Grace... Peace... and Harmony... through obeying... and following... His Perfect Will... Given Differently... to each individual... 

And there is a wonderful Divine Bonus... as we are freed of worry... and anxiety... in feeling the gentle Vibration... of God's Great Holy Life Force... within our beings... Guiding... and Directing our thoughts... feelings... and our actions... Perfectly... according to our unique nature... character... and personality... and to our greatest advantage...

Because... by following that Perfect Guidance... we will look much younger... than our physical age... and look more... like our Spiritual age... from the birthday... of our Inner “Awakening...”... and “Opening...” ... Into The Glorious Miracle... Of The Latihan Kejiwaan Of SUBUD...

Since we will no longer be worried... and fearful... as we experience the reality... of how the hours... of our lives... have greatly improved...

Thus gradually becoming truly noble human beings... of excellent character... men into magnificent human beings of courage... and strength... and women... into gentle... caring human beings... who will become aware... as never before... that we are all truly the Beloved... Blessed Children of God... and therefore truly all brothers... and sisters... to each other... 

And we will all feel... within our Inner Selves... true love... and caring... for one another... regardless of the different races... color... creed... customs... or traditions... or even religions... fully embracing... all our fascinating differences...

And hatred... envy... greed... and all kinds of discord... that has existed... throughout the ages... between human beings... will be no more... 

And there will finally be... upon earth... all peoples... living lives of Grace... Peace... and Harmony... side by side... for all time...

For the True Children Of God... will no longer be living... under the influence... and rule... of their lower forces... but by the Perfect Guidance... and Direction... of God's Great Holy Life Force...

And they will Feel this Powerful Force... within their Inner Selves... their Souls... their Jiwas... as they Progress... Develop... and Grow... individually... through their sincere... patient... unconditional surrender... to their Creator... in the Latihan Kejiwaan... of SUBUD... all According to the Perfect Will... of their Heavenly Father... Allah Almighty God... or by Whatever other Holy Name... they Call Him...

And all this Divine... Miraculous Grace... which Will Bring back true stability... in a troubled soul's turbulent... unhappy life... full of unrest... and anxiety... is available... to every single human being on earth... absolutely free of charge... ... with no membership dues... of any kind... ever... for God Has No Need for money... or other material things...

And without anybody... ever having to give up anything... neither their religion... wealth... or riches... or assets... nor their loved ones... nor their jobs... or careers... since SUBUD... is not a new Religion... nor a Teaching... for all its members to follow... in the same way...

All that you worthy in the Eyes of God... Blessed... Chosen Ones... will have to give up... is yourselves... give yourselves up... into the Hands... and Keeping... of your Loving Creator... with a feeling inside you... of utter trust... and faith in Him... submitting your whole selves to Him... in sincere... patient... unconditional surrender...

As said before... but which bears repeating... Unconditional Surrender... meaning that you will neither want... nor ask for... nor pray for... nor hope for... nor expect anything... in particular... from Him... for yourselves...

For that is The Divine Secret... to Receiving God’s Infinite... Bountiful Blessing... in the form of Receiving Contact... With His Great Holy Life Force... which Will Guide... and Direct... the moments of your lives... Perfectly... in all you think... feel... and do... once your dormant Inner Selves... have become Gloriously “Opened...”... and “Awakened...”... to Receive His Bountiful Grace...Through The Latihan Kejiwaan Of SUBUD...

And you will notice... as your Creator... Allah Almighty God... Gradually Cleanses You... And Transforms You... That That Which Was Coarse In You... Will Become Refined... According To His Perfect Will... For Individual You... And According To Your particular Character... Nature... And Personality... 

So that a Divine Way... for Spiritual Growth... and Development... Will be made available... for each individual... according to his capacity... to Receive God's Continuing Grace... not only for our lives... here on earth... but also in Preparation... for our Glorious... Blissful... Eternal Afterlife... in Paradise... Where We Will Continue to unconditionally surrender ourselves to Him... and His Perfect Will... for us... the SUBUD Way...

For what we take with us... into the Glorious... Eternal Afterlife of Paradise... is only our Spiritual Selves... our Higher Forces... at the degree... of our Spiritual Growth... and Development... achieved through our submitting ourselves... in patient... sincere... unconditional surrender... to our Creator... Almighty God... In The Latihan Kejiwaan Of SUBUD... while we still lived on earth...

We do not take with us... into the Glorious... Eternal Afterlife of Paradise... the cleverness... of our developed minds... our egos... nor the emotions... of our hearts... for they all are only instruments... solely at our disposal... and only to be used... as our servants... not our masters... for coping... with living out our lives... and carrying out our work... whilst living life... down here on earth...

And being our lower forces... therefore... they do not accompany us... into the Higher... Spiritual Afterlife... but remain behind on earth... where they belong...

But what we do take with us... is our Spiritually Developed... Power Of Seeing... Power Of Inner Awareness... And Power Of Feeling... And Power Of Movement... Being Our Higher Forces...

And we will be able to continue uttering Sounds... of Speaking... and Singing... and move our Spiritually Alive Limbs... as we continue submitting ourselves... to our Beloved Creator... In Sincere... Patient... Unconditional Surrender... In Our Glorious Afterlives of Bliss... because our Spiritual Voices... And Spiritual Limbs... Were Brought To Life... By The Power Of God’s Great Holy Life Force... while we lived on earth...

Our Spiritually dormant voices... and limbs... Become Spiritually Activated... during the Latihan Kejiwaan Of Subud... Our Spiritually Alive Bodies... being the counterpart... of our earthly... mortal... physical bodies...

There are many... many Ways... in which man is striving... to reach up to God... with his clever mind... and longing heart... to no real avail... because...:

The Great Secret Truth... To Truly Receiving Divine Grace... From The Omniscient One... Who Originally Created Every Single Soul... through Adam... Is By Submitting Oneself To Him... In Patient... Sincere... unconditional Surrender... Which Means Wanting Nothing... Nor Asking For... Nor Praying For... Nor Expecting... Nor Hoping For Anything... In Particular... For oneself...

But Only To Be Willing... To Accept His Perfect Will... Which Is uniquely Different... For Each Individual... According To His Particular Character... Nature... And Personality... And Follow His Perfect Guidance... And Direction... Whatever It May Be... With A Feeling Inside Oneself... Of Utter Trust... And Faith In Him... 

And This Spiritual Way Of Being... Called SUBUD... Is the Only Spiritual Way... In Which God... Reaches Down To Man... And Touches Him... In his Innermost Place... His Jiwa... His Soul...

Lovingly Cradling... And Tenderly Enveloping Him... regardless Of Whether He Worships Him... With His Heart And Mind... As A Christian... Jew... Muslim... Or Any Other Religious Faith... Or Even No Religious Faith... At all...! 

And Also... Regardless... Of Whether His Beloved Child... Is Physically Impaired... Blind... Deaf... Or Mute... Paralyzed In Body... Whether In Part... Or Wholly... Etc...

For The Power Of God’s Great Holy Life Force... Can Be Received... And Felt... By Every Single Human Being... Within Himself... In Whatever Physical Condition... He Happens To Be In...    

Then The Power Of God’s Great Holy Life Force... Felt inside Oneself... Like A Gentle Vibration... Begins The Gradual Process... Of Re-molding... And Re-shaping... His Beloved Created Soul... Cleansing Him... Of All 6%... Of His... and 94%... of His Ancestors’ Sins... And Mistakes...!

As He... In A State Of Utter Quiet... With His Mind Empty... Of All Thoughts... And The Emotions... Of His Heart Stilled... With His Eyes Closed... And With A Feeling Inside Himself... Of Total Trust... And Faith... Towards His Loving Creator... Submits His Whole Being To Him... In Patient... Sincere... Unconditional Surrender... Like A Lifeless Puppet... Dangling On A string... Waiting Patiently... For Him To Activate... And Move His Strings... according To His Perfect Will... For His Loved Created Child... 

So That... In God’s Time... God’s Child Will Ultimately Become... A Noble Human Being... Of Excellent Character... No Longer Ruled... And Influenced... By The Lower Forces... Of His Clever Mind... His Proud Ego... And Unreliable... Fickle Emotions... Of His Heart... Which Is Never Truly Satisfied...

And The Following Of Which... Ultimately Result... In Painful Let-downs... Causing One Unhappiness... And Even The Making Of Wrong Decisions... Which On A Grander Scale... Even Leads To War...!

But In Becoming Influenced... By His Higher Force... His Jiwa... His Inner Self... Which Is Perfectly Guided... And Directed... By The Great Holy Life Force... Of His Creator... Allah Almighty God... He Will No Longer Make Painful Mistakes... And Wrong Decisions... And Will Ultimately... Live A Contented Life Of Grace... Inner Peace... And Harmony... With All Those Around Him...

And Almighty God... Will Guide... And Direct Our Daily Thoughts... Feelings... and Actions... Perfectly... Such As In Our Intimate Relationships... With Our Spouses... Showing Us How We Should Behave... Towards One Another... Likewise In How We Relate... To Our Children...

Likewise He Will Guide... And Direct Our Actions... Perfectly... In Our Work Situations... Showing How We Should Relate... To Our Co-workers... Or Employees... Or To Our Superiors... In Our Work Place...

And If We Happen To Be A Doctor... He Will Guide... And Direct Us... Perfectly... In How To Treat Each Individual Patient...

Likewise... If We Happen To Be A Lawyer... Or Even A Judge... He Will Guide... And Direct Us... Perfectly... In Our Actions... And In The Carrying Out... Of All Important Decisions... 

And the list goes on... and on... for every walk of life... for every type of career... or profession...

And our Beloved Bapak Reminds Us... Of The Eternal Truth... That... The More We Give Of Ourselves... To Our Creator... Almighty God... With Utter Trust... And Faith... In Him... The More He Will Give Back To Us... And The Less... We Give Of Ourselves To Him... The Less He Will Give Back To Us...

And Bapak Also Reminds Us... That The Practice Of Surrendering Ourselves... To Our Creator... Is Solely For Our Benefit... And Not For God’s Benefit... For He Has No Need... To Have Us Surrender To Him...

Neither Does He Need Us... To Pray To Him... For He Knows Each And Every One... Of His Created Souls... Inside And Out... Far Better Than they Know Themselves... And Knows What They Need... Far Better Than They Do...

But it is we... who need... very much... to remind ourselves... of our Heavenly Creator... so that we do not come under the influence... of the detrimental satanic forces... which actually rule the world today... bringing chaos... and destruction... to the earth...!

Being All-powerful... Almighty God... Can Make Us Surrender To Him... In A Flash... If He Feels That We Need An Extra Dose... Of His Blessing... Apart from Our Regular... Scheduled Thirty Minute Times Of The Latihan Kejiwaan... Which In All Probability... We May Experience... From Time To Time... Throughout Our SUBUD Lives..."

(SUBUD... and the Miraculous... Wondrous SUBUD Way of Life... is more fully explained... in all sorts of ways... through all kinds of experiences... ever since the Inner Self... of this humble to God's soul... Was Gloriously “Awakened...”... and “Opened...”... into SUBUD... over 46 years ago... when she was in her 31st year of life... living in Johannesburg... South Africa...

And you will find it all fully detailed... in her sequel to this book... her Spiritual Odyssey... titled...:  “From Seven Hells... To Seventh Heaven... SUBUD...” ... which is not quite ready... to be put up onto this Website... "SUBUD Stories"... for she is still in the process of re-editing it... for the very last time...)    

And in re-editing this work... in 2004/5/6/7 and 8... for the fifth time... being such a stickler... for perfection... which of course... is nigh impossible... for she is not yet... fully Cleansed... and Purified... of all her... and her noble ancestors’ very evil sins... even of murder... by all those counts and countesses... who greatly abused others... in their avaricious positions of power... over their subjects...

Not even after almost 48 years... of diligently... and patiently... submitting her whole self... in unconditional surrender... with utter trust... and faith... to her Beloved Creator... Her Heavenly Father... Allah Almighty God... as He Lovingly... and Continuously... Blesses her... by Letting her Feel... His Perfect Guidance... and Direction... Through His Great Holy Life Force... gently Vibrating... inside her being... like a Bubbling Fountain of Joy...

And because she neither asks for... nor prays for... nor expects... nor hopes for anything... in particular... for herself... from Him... His Great Holy Life Force... Steadfastly Continues... To Guide the hours of her life... in all she thinks... in all she feels... and in all she does... Perfectly... according to His Will... for her particular nature... character... and personality...

And at the same time... He Has Been gradually Cleansing... Re-Molding... Refining... and Re-Shaping her... over the past over 46 years... into eventually becoming a noble woman... of excellent character...

And in only accepting... and trying to be obedient to... and following His Perfect Will... for her... she has come to enjoy a life of Grace... Inner Peace... and Harmony... with all those around her... for the most part... over the last 32 years... when her detrimental willful... and impulsive Aries nature... following which... always caused her a great deal of pain and sorrow... finally became greatly curbed... by Him...

Although... three years ago... on the 7th of June... 2005... she was Given a Divine Revelation... during her usual early dawn surrender... to her Beloved Creator... Allah Almighty God... In the Latihan Kejiwaan... Of SUBUD...

And it was that her Ancestral Purification... in the form of necessary... regular migraine attacks... which she has been suffering... and enduring... every 25 days... or so... ever since her very first period... when she was almost 12... in fact... in New York... on her mother’s birthday... the 27th of February... 1942... as written all about... in the previous chapter... Praise Be To Allah Almighty God... Are Now... After Some Sixty-three Years... Finally Over... And done With...! 

And she is very pleased to say... that to date... on June 19th 2008... she has not suffered a single one... not even a twinge of one...! 

And she has even Been Given... an added Blessed Bonus... of no longer being painfully affected... in her head... by low pressure... in the atmosphere... due to changes... in the weather...!

In a relevant Chapter... of “Seven Hells...”... this souI... as Muftiah... has shared with her hopefully many millions of seekers... of a very unique One-on-One Relationship... With Their Loving Creator... Almighty God... a most interesting Revelation... in the infernal bowels of Hell... Experienced by her husband... Farlan... regarding her necessary Ancestral Purification Migraine attacks... occurring every month... and lasting for some forty-eight hours... at a time...! 

I am now beyond my mid seventies... and... almost in my 27th year... of suffering numerous hereditary strokes... the first over seven years of which... kept me bed-ridden... and which were created... as a result... of the great evil wrongdoings... of my ancestors... in their positions of power... over their people...

And although no longer bedridden... I am still Commanded... by my Heavenly Father... to Write... about my turbulent life... from time to time... His Command... To “Now Write...!”... Begun... when I was 54... and during my second year... of being bed-ridden... with God Willed Strokes... about which my beloved "itoko" (cousin)... from our last Japanese incarnation... Isnaini... who became Ismana... shortly after... and I... both Received about... in advance... before they actually happened...!

So for the past twelve years... or so... I have been confined... to sitting in my wheelchair... at my computer... still and ever... Being Commanded... by my Beloved Creator... Heavenly Father... Allah Almighty God...:  “Now Write!”... almost daily... except for those times of necessary illness... and even hospitalization... although these days... I can no longer write for ten hours at a time... but lucky... if I can put in three to five hours... at a time...

His Divine Command To Write... began... when I was fifty-two... by longhand... at first... then on my laptop computer... which my beloved husband... Farlan... taught me how to use... confined to my bed... for about seven years...

Only for the past twelve years... or so... I have only been able... to use my left eye... squinting... with my right eye... shut tight... as it has become blurry... and completely useless...!

Furthermore... for years... and years now... there Has Been a constant Divine Reminder... that this trying to be humble to God soul... steadily experiences... in the form of a baseball sensation of pressure... to varying degrees... inside her head... not unlike the swollen sensation... in one's head... while swimming underwater...

And this God-Willed experience... is to Remind this soul... that she is to be ready... in an instant... when He Calls her back Home to Him...

Also... for the past year... she has only been able to use the fingers... of her left hand... due to a nasty fall... causing tendonitis... for the third time... in her life... in her right arm... being a great Karmic Debt... she owes her mother... from their lifetime... in ancient Rome... when they were ardent... mother and daughter Christians...!!!

And today... on June 19th... 2008... this humble to God soul... Has Been Told... once again... by an Angel of God... and by her Beloved Spiritual Father... Bapak... to inform her hopefully millions of God seeking readers... who want an extremely unique...  One-on-One Relationship with Him... apart from their religious beliefs...:

That if you happen to click... onto this newly created... “SUBUD Stories Website... which Bapak has requested... to be set up... and be a part of... you can read the different... fascinating SUBUD Stories... and testimonials... of many SUBUD Brothers and Sisters... throughout the SUBUD World...

Being Blessed... to be reading about their unique... true Spiritual Experiences... from SUBUD Members... of some over 78 countries... people of different cultures... customs and traditions... and some of whom are still following... their different forms of religion... to satisfy their hearts and minds... then you can be assured... that An Angel Of God... Specially Assigned To SUBUD... Has “Tapped” you on your shoulder... Leading you here...!

The establishment of this Holy Website... is greatly Approved of... by our Beloved Spiritual Father... Bapak... because... since his passing... into the Glory of his Afterlife... Bapak has now become the Spiritual Father... of all mankind... and his Divine Mission... to spread SUBUD... throughout the world... to all of mankind... still goes on...!

And since the Internet... today... seems to be the best way... to reach millions of unhappy... searching souls... all over the world... they will now have an opportunity... to read... and hear... all about...:

The Miracle Of SUBUD... And The SUBUD Way Of Life... With The SUBUD Angels Of God... Directing Them All... To Click Onto This Holy Website... Which Has Been Willed... By Allah Almighty God... Through My Beloved Husband Farlan... to Be Set Up... At This time... And Place...

So if you click onto this "SUBUD Stories" Website...  then you should know... that it is not by chance... but that you are being exceedingly Blessed...

For it is a Divine Sign... to you... that it is The Will... of your Creator... by whatever name you call Him... in your various languages... throughout the world... that you now worship him... the SUBUD Way...

And that... by your Angel Guided presence... on this Holy Website... You Are Being Granted... To Receive... The Great Benevolence... Of His Wondrous... Divine Grace... To Have The Wonderful Opportunity... To Learn How To Receive Contact... With His Great Holy Life Force... By Having Your Yearning Inner Self... “Awakened...”... And “Opened...” Into The Glory Of SUBUD...

And All This Wonderfully Unique... Miraculous Blessing... Of A Most Intimate... One-On-One Relationship With Him... Is Freely Yours... For The Taking... And Will Never Cost You... A Single Penny... Or Red Cent... Or Franc... Or Mark... Or Euro Dollar.. Or Pound... Or Rand... Or Ruble... Or Rupee... Or Rial... Or Yen... Or Guilder... Etc... Ever...

Just as it is the Will Of Almighty Allah... Who Has Told His Daughter... Muftiah... that she is doing God's Work... and that she is to offer... all of her writing... to all of mankind... here... on the "SUBUD Stories" Website... absolutely free of charge... as atonement... because she willfully disobeyed... her Guardian Angel’s Warning... at the crucial times... of the crossroads... of her life... she is ashamed to say... not just once... but three times...!

But in truth... her atonement...  does not feel like punishment... because she loves to write... and which she is more than happy to do...

For ever since she can remember... throughout her turbulent... unusual life... she was the happiest... when she was instrumental... in bringing lost... unhappy souls... back to God... either through being a most willing channel... for Divine Healing...  or through sincere... sympathetic... compassionate... loving caring... for her suffering... fellow kindred brother... and or sister... and now... for the past 26 years... through her extensive writing... 

When our Beloved Bapak... was living here on earth... amongst us... he told us... once... that... if only a third of the world... were “Opened...”... and “Awakened...”... into SUBUD... then there would be a reversal... from the terrible... disastrous downward plunge... into darkness... into which it is rapidly spiraling... ever faster... and faster...!

Hence the establishment... today... of the “SUBUD Stories” Website... which will be able to reach... millions of unhappy... bewildered... frightened...searching souls... all over this chaotic... violent world of ours... which for centuries... we did not take proper care of... and which Katie Couric... during her CBS Evening News broadcast... just the other night... so aptly referred to... as "this crazy world of ours..."!

To briefly explain about the word “SUBUD” ... it is an abbreviation... of the three ancient Sanskrit words... “Susila” ... “Budhi”... and “Dharma”... 

"Susila"... denotes those qualities... in man... which give rise to a character... conduct... and actions... which are truly human... and in Accordance... with the Will Of Almighty God...

"Budhi"... means that... in all creatures... including man... there dwells an Inner Force... to draw us towards our proper Path... the Path that leads us back to God...

"Dharma"... signifies sincerity... surrender... and submission to God... which feelings... are Awakened in man... by the Will Of God... Himself...

Belovd Bapak... gave these few examples... of many... as to how the SUBUD Way Of Life... Operates... to his New York SUBUD children... way back in 1959... during one of his World Tours...:

“You need have no apprehension... that your Spiritual Development... in SUBUD... will create obstacles... in life... which will prevent you... from carrying out your obligations...  It will rather remove them...

Suppose that you are a painter... and you meet difficulties in your painting... you Will Receive Indications... From Within... Which Will Guide you... so that mistakes can be corrected...

Or... if you are a medical doctor... and meet difficulties in your treatment of patients... you Will Receive Indications... From Within... Which Will safeguard you... from causing harm to the patient... or lead you into ways... which will harm society...

This is also the case... with other professions... and occupations... such as tradesmen... and all kinds of workers...

Each person Will Receive Indications... And Inner Guidance... as to how to do his work... through which he will find a sense of accomplishment... happiness... and enjoyment... without neglecting his worship of God... in the Latihan Kejiwaan Of SUBUD...”

To explain further... “Latihan Kejiwaan”... means “Exercise in the Spiritual Field”... where during your thirty minutes... of being in a surrendered state... with your mind empty of all busy thoughts... and the emotions of your heart stilled... men and women worshipping... separately... in different rooms... your Creator... Almighty God... Will Gradually Bring To Life... The Spiritual Counterpart... Of Your Physical Body... By Activating Your Arms... Your Hands... Your Legs... And Your Feet... And Your Voice... While You Are Fully Conscious...

Likewise... He Will Also Activate... And Cleanse Out Your Insides... Both Physically... And Psychically... Of The Effects Of Both Your... And your Ancestors’ Sins... And Errors... Which You Have Inherited... And Carry Inside You... Like A Great Weight... Which You Will Feel... Once Your Inner Self... Has Been "Opened"... And "Awakened"... To Receive Almighty God's Great Holy Life Force...

Thus Almighty God... Enables You To Attain Spiritual Growth... And Development... According To Your Unique... Individual Nature... Character... And Personality...

To explain the reason... why men and women... should worship separately... is because the form of Spiritual Growth and Development... differs for men and women... 

Also there is the fact... that during the thirty... Blessed Holy minutes... of surrender... male and female forces... become prevalent... floating around the room...

And it is perfectly harmless... if male forces intermingle with each other... or female forces... intermingle with each other...  But if male and female forces intermingle... then it could become harmful... especially if they are not in true harmony... with each other...

Thus wrong attractions could arise... between men and women... even between men and women... who happen to be married to others...!

To illustrate how seriously one's total... sincere surrender to God... in the Latihan Kejiwaan is... Bapak explained... that although one is fully conscious... during the Process... and has the free will to stop it... at any time... it is better not to... for one single half hour... of surrender... could possibly be the purification... of nine lifetimes... of one's sins... and errors...!

Here is an interesting example... of what can happen... during a Latihan Kejiwaan... if a man and a woman... worship God together...

There was this married couple... who were very happy with each other... and did everything together...

And when they heard... that they could not worship God... together... in the Latihan Kejiwaan... they were very dismayed... and kept pleading with Bapak... explaining how they did everything together... and surely worshipping God together... would prove to Him... the greatest sincerity... of their togetherness...

So Bapak finally relented... with the provision... that he remain in the room with them...

Shortly after their Latihan began... the wife ran screaming... from the room... while her husband and Bapak... continued worshipping Almighty God... together...

When the thirty minutes were up... they rejoined the wife... who was trembling... and very upset...

And when Bapak gently asked her... why she had run screaming... from the room... she exclaimed... that what she had “seen”... was not her dearly beloved husband... but a wild looking man... suddenly being transformed... into a lustful... red-eyed beast... chasing after her...!

And Bapak explained... that what Almighty God... Had Let Her “See”... was her husband’s true self... in the Process... of Being Made by God... to undergo his sexual Purification...

And Bapak told her... that she should go on... loving her husband... as before... happily doing things together... but Not The Latihan... 

This soul has long known... that living on this planet earth... is like attending classes... in the School of Life... a training ground... to make up for one's past lives' mistakes... a place to Grow... and Develop... Spiritually...

So that we will eventually Be Allowed... to go back home to Heaven... our original Home... to dwell there... in the full maturity... of our Spiritual Growth... and Development... for all Glorious Eternity...

And not have to once again... step back on to the infernal merry-go-round... of dreaded reincarnation... forced to return to the hardship... of living on the planet earth... our souls occupying a physical body... once more... which once again... will be susceptible... to all kinds of purifying sicknesses... and diseases... all in order to atone... for one's past life... or lives’ mistakes...

Almighty God's Merciful... Boundless Love... Giving us opportunity... after opportunity... and lifetime... after lifetime... to sincerely endeavor... to wipe the dirty slates... of our lives... clean of our... and our ancestors’ sins... and errors...

So... while you are clicking around... on this Holy Website... take full advantage to read... and absorb... all the Great Spiritual Truths... Revealed to mankind... by our Spiritual Father... Beloved Bapak...

And once your Inner Selves... are Gloriously Blessed... to be “Opened...”... and “Awakened...”... into SUBUD... you will have the opportunity... to read this Holy Man's most important Talks... which were recorded on tape... as he traveled around the world... for many years... to over 75 countries... visiting his many SUBUD children... in their different homelands...

And his SUBUD children... of all nationalities... different cultures... and traditions... were so exceedingly Blessed... to hear the Holy Words... Issuing out of Bapak's mouth... not being his words... but God's Words... Spoken through Bapak's Purified Mouth... as he monitored their Spiritual Progress... in the Latihan Kejiwaan Of SUBUD...

Our Beloved Bapak... who was the very first human being... to Receive the Inner Contact... With The Great Holy Life Force Of Almighty God... in our time...

And it happened... When A Golden Ball... Came Down From Heaven... And Entered Him... Through The Top Of His Head... in the year 1922... when he was a young man... of twenty-two... Transforming Him Completely...!

And for the next 365 days... Bapak Did Not Sleep A Wink...!

But... While Experiencing The Vibration... Of The Great Holy Life Force Of Almighty God... Very Powerfully... Inside Him... He Underwent A Speeded Up Course... Of Spiritual Growth And Development... To Prepare Him... For His Mission On Earth... Which Was To Spread The SUBUD Way Of Worshipping God... To All Those Souls Of Mankind... Who Were Worthy... In The Eyes Of God...  

And The Easy Way... In Which The Contact... With God’s Great Holy Life Force... Is Passed On... From Person To Person... Is Simply By Way Of The Sincere Supplicant... Quietly Standing... With His Eyes Closed... Before One... Who Already Has Been Blessed... To Receive The Contact... Inside Himself...

And As He Submits... His Whole Being... In Unconditional Surrender... To The One... Who Originally Created Him... Through Adam... He Should Have A Feeling Inside Him... Of Sincerity... Patience... And Utter Trust... And Faith... In The One Almighty God... As His Creator “Opens...”... And “Awakens...”... His Inner Self... Thus Giving Him The Great Blessing... Of Inner Contact... With His Great Holy Life Force...

So it is to our Blessed... Holy Spiritual Father... Bapak... to whom we owe this Miraculous Blessing to... as he passed on the Contact... to other worthy souls... in the beginning...

And you can read... how it all came about... in his own fascinating SUBUD Story... “The Coming Of The Latihan...”... which is reproduced here... on the “SUBUD Stories...” Website... which Bapak collaborated on... together with his most willing SUBUD children... Farlan and Muftiah... during one of his many Heavenly Visitations to her... over the past seven years...

So A Hearty Welcome... Is Extended... Herewith... To All You Blessed... Angel Guided “Clickers...”... To This Holy Website... “SUBUD Stories...”

You may be interested to know... that the reason why this soul refers to it... even more... as a Holy Website... is because... besides her wonderful... Spiritual tete a tetes... with her Beloved Bapak... two Angels of God... Appeared to her... Letting her know... that the Website "SUBUD Stories" ..."

"Will Grow... Flower... And Flourish...!"

End Of Part IX-B  -  Eleven Chapters

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